I know I am dreadfully behind on my blogging. All I can say is "sorry" to you all who look forward to reading it each day. My mind and my heart have been elsewhere for a while - not because I didn't want to be here but I just couldn't be here.
I couldn't figure out why I didn't want to write anything over the past week or so. At first I just chalked it up to the fact that I had a couple of rough treatments and I was just beyond exhausted. But it wasn't until today that I realized the real reason why. It was because I felt like my cancer was now running my life.
Each of my days are defined by how the cancer is making me feel. They are defined by treatments and medications, doctors appointments - they are defined by the dread of what comes next. This is not what life should be defined by. It should only be defined by God and God alone.
I feel like I have done my very best to see God's wisdom in it all, to trust Him, and to feel His peace. But suddenly all the lines became blurred. I started to feel like the "cancer" had taken over my life and I didn't like it at all. I don't like being sick and tired all of the time. I don't like that my husband and my kids don't like it - I think that is the worst part. I know they are so tired of this and they want their wife and mom back.
I know that things can never go back to the way they were before - I don't want them too. I have learned to much, I have gone too far to just suddenly wish it all away. But I do desire the simple things. I have said before that I don't ever feel I have taken my children for granted - Jason and I have lost too much to ever let that happen. But I did take for granted my role in their lives. This is something I will never do again.
I just had to get away from it for a little while. (At least in my mind.) I had to focus on some other things. Fortunately God has provided me with some great research opportunities that have allowed me to focus on something besides the cancer. And through that reprieve that God provided I was able to refocus on what I really needed to be focused on all along - God.
Today I had my PET Scan. The stuff they gave me knocked me down a bit which is really unfortunate because this is suppose to be my "good week" but I am glad we are to this stage of the game. Now we are just waiting and praying for the results. I am praying that the cancer is gone and that I am in remission. I am praying that I don't need that many more treatments. I would like it to be no more treatments to be really honest with you but I am preparing myself in case that is not my reality. I remind myself that the doctor said originally that I would have to go through 8-12 treatments. I mentally prepared myself for 12 treatments at that time. Anything less than 12 is a miracle.
Blessing to you all,
~Andrea
Follow Me...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Day 48: Family Time
The Monday before my treatment is always a bitter-sweet day for us. It is one of the days that I feel the very best but it is also the last day that I really get to spend some good quality time with my family before treatment again. Monday is Jason's day off before he heads back into the office Tuesday.
This Monday we decided to enjoy a lunch as a family at a BBQ restaurant in town. The food was good, the kids were good, and we just really enjoyed our time together. Kearyn also got to try her first French fry!
She is such a happy baby!
These are the moments that get me through this. These are the moments that God gives me to cling to.
Day 47: Barrel Monkeys & Pipe Cleaners
This has started to become increasingly difficult for my children to handle I am afraid. It is obvious that they are sick and tired of me being sick and tired. I noticed it more after treatment #3. During my "good week" it was like they were inseparable from me. If I was on the couch, they piled all around me on the couch as well. If I was in bed, they were all on the bed with me. It is like I have this heard of followers wherever I go. I obviously don't mind but it does hurt my heart that I can't do all the things I did with them before. I keep telling myself it is just a season but I am increasingly ready for this season to be over.
My life long hearts desire was to be a wife and a mother. However else God chose to use me, I was fine with. But first and foremost, I knew those were my two rolls above all else. It is hard right now to not be the wife and mother that I feel God has called me to be. It is hard for me to lay that down, even if it is just a season.
As I have shared, we have had so many offers of support and love - provided in so many ways - we are truly blessed. But one of my requests was that some of my friends get us some "quiet" activities for the boys to do while I was in bed recovering from my treatments. This way we could still spend time together and they wouldn't be tempted to jump around all over because I am pretty sore after my immunity booster shot. Anyway, several of my dear friends really took some time to get the boys some fun things and for that I am grateful.
One of our friends, Lisa, delivered a great big blue tub of stuff, which has now been dubbed the "activities bucket". The boys know that they can go get something out of the tub and then we can play with it together. Today, the two younger boys each picked something. Creide (who is 3) picked Barrel Monkeys and Ky (who is 5) picked pipe cleansers. I never knew you could have so much fun with Barrel Monkeys and pipe cleaners.
They had me building all kinds of things out of the pipe cleaners - things I didn't even know were possible. Each time I would give them something they would give me a "great job Mom!" and I knew I had done okay.
There is a lot about this cancer and chemo treatment that I would chose to forget if I could. The nausea that I have had to deal with throughout my treatment, the nasty taste that I get in my mouth for days and days, and the intense fatigue I have experienced - but this is a memory I will choose not to forget. Playing with Barrel Monkeys and pipe cleaners with my boys.
My life long hearts desire was to be a wife and a mother. However else God chose to use me, I was fine with. But first and foremost, I knew those were my two rolls above all else. It is hard right now to not be the wife and mother that I feel God has called me to be. It is hard for me to lay that down, even if it is just a season.
As I have shared, we have had so many offers of support and love - provided in so many ways - we are truly blessed. But one of my requests was that some of my friends get us some "quiet" activities for the boys to do while I was in bed recovering from my treatments. This way we could still spend time together and they wouldn't be tempted to jump around all over because I am pretty sore after my immunity booster shot. Anyway, several of my dear friends really took some time to get the boys some fun things and for that I am grateful.
One of our friends, Lisa, delivered a great big blue tub of stuff, which has now been dubbed the "activities bucket". The boys know that they can go get something out of the tub and then we can play with it together. Today, the two younger boys each picked something. Creide (who is 3) picked Barrel Monkeys and Ky (who is 5) picked pipe cleansers. I never knew you could have so much fun with Barrel Monkeys and pipe cleaners.
They had me building all kinds of things out of the pipe cleaners - things I didn't even know were possible. Each time I would give them something they would give me a "great job Mom!" and I knew I had done okay.
There is a lot about this cancer and chemo treatment that I would chose to forget if I could. The nausea that I have had to deal with throughout my treatment, the nasty taste that I get in my mouth for days and days, and the intense fatigue I have experienced - but this is a memory I will choose not to forget. Playing with Barrel Monkeys and pipe cleaners with my boys.
Day 46: I Will Overcome
Saturday I rested a lot. The previous days activities had really worn me out. But, I was determined to go to church. I had not been in 2 weeks. The kids were all sick 2 weeks ago and then I had a rough chemo treatment the week prior- I was definitely missing it. Travis, our Worship Pastor, played a song that I don't listen to often. I have kindly linked it below so you can listen as well. But before that I wanted to give you the lyrics. I was actually really surprised at how close this song described my physical, mental, and spiritual condition. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.
And I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak
I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome
And I know that my heart is hurting, And I know that my soul it aches
And I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome, yeah
Chorus:
O Lord I'm strong in You, O Lord I am wise in You
O Lord I can see in You, so I will overcome
O Lord I'm loved by You, O Lord I am free in you
O Lord I'm complete in You
So I will overcome, I will overcome, I will overcome
Bridge:
God listen to me shout, I'm so far from anywhere and I'm calling out
Lead me, lead me to the rock that is higher than I
You're my breath, You're my breath, You're my very life
Infinite, Holy King meets weak and frail Christ in me
And I will overcome not by my strength but by Your grace and love
And I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak
I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome
And I know that my heart is hurting, And I know that my soul it aches
And I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome, yeah
Chorus:
O Lord I'm strong in You, O Lord I am wise in You
O Lord I can see in You, so I will overcome
O Lord I'm loved by You, O Lord I am free in you
O Lord I'm complete in You
So I will overcome, I will overcome, I will overcome
Bridge:
God listen to me shout, I'm so far from anywhere and I'm calling out
Lead me, lead me to the rock that is higher than I
You're my breath, You're my breath, You're my very life
Infinite, Holy King meets weak and frail Christ in me
And I will overcome not by my strength but by Your grace and love
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Day 45: Dinner and a Hair Cut.....{Part 3}
After my wonderful time getting my hair cut it was time to get ready for the fundraiser my mom had put together for me. My family has deep country roots and so she planned a night of "Dinner & Dancing" with a good ol' country bad.
We first had a baked potato bar with all the fixings. Country music artist Gary Lear performed for us during our dinner. If you haven't had a chance to listen to his music, you need to. You can visit his website here: Gary Lear's Web Site
Here is a quick way to listen to his music. For you country fans - you are going to love it. :-) (For those of you who are getting this delivered via email you are going to have to go to the blog to be able to hear his music. Be sure to mute my background music so you can be sure you can hear his. :-) You can do that if you scroll to the bottom.
After dinner was done people kicked up their heals to the Northfork Country Band. The lead singer being Bill Long.
Jason and I just felt so blessed that so many of our friends and church family came out to see us. It was kind of like a reunion. I saw people there that I haven't seen in years. There were people there that have known me since they were my kids' age and it was just very neat to visit with them all.
There are so many people I need to thank for their time, help, donations for the silent auction, food, and the list goes on an on. Please know that you all are in Jason and I's prayers. Literally - Jason has a notebook that we write everyone who has done anything for us - from meals to money and everything in between - and we pray over those names often.
Thank you again for everyone's love and support for us through this journey. We could not do it without each and every one of you. Love you all and blessing to you.
~Andrea
We first had a baked potato bar with all the fixings. Country music artist Gary Lear performed for us during our dinner. If you haven't had a chance to listen to his music, you need to. You can visit his website here: Gary Lear's Web Site
Here is a quick way to listen to his music. For you country fans - you are going to love it. :-) (For those of you who are getting this delivered via email you are going to have to go to the blog to be able to hear his music. Be sure to mute my background music so you can be sure you can hear his. :-) You can do that if you scroll to the bottom.
After dinner was done people kicked up their heals to the Northfork Country Band. The lead singer being Bill Long.
Jason and I just felt so blessed that so many of our friends and church family came out to see us. It was kind of like a reunion. I saw people there that I haven't seen in years. There were people there that have known me since they were my kids' age and it was just very neat to visit with them all.
There are so many people I need to thank for their time, help, donations for the silent auction, food, and the list goes on an on. Please know that you all are in Jason and I's prayers. Literally - Jason has a notebook that we write everyone who has done anything for us - from meals to money and everything in between - and we pray over those names often.
Thank you again for everyone's love and support for us through this journey. We could not do it without each and every one of you. Love you all and blessing to you.
~Andrea
Day 45: Dinner and a Hair Cut.....{Part 2}
So, as I shared in the "Part 1", Friday was hair cut day. My long time friend, Pam, had offered as soon as she heard I was diagnosed to cut my hair for me, and continue to cut my hair as needed, through the chemo process. I tell you what, the hour I was in her chair was just so relaxing to me. We talked about all kinds of things.
I do have a prayer request for Pam and her husband. They started the process of an international adoption over 3 years ago and they are still waiting for their baby girl to come home. Please, please, please lift this family up in prayer. I know we have to trust God's timing in all of this but I know first hand the power of prayer. I know He can bring this baby girl home to her mommy and daddy who are here waiting.
The second prayer request I have for this family is financial support. Me being me, of course I had to ask Pam if she and her husband would be willing to adopt another baby in the meantime. (Hey I have four kids ;-) In no way was I saying to give up on their little girl - but they have had a homestudy done every year for the past 3 years, their paperwork done countless times, they are this perfectly wonderful couple just waiting to fill their home with children and I know there are children out there waiting for a mommy and daddy.....it seems like such a tragedy to me that they don't have a child yet. She told me that they would be willing to adopt another child in addition to their baby girl but they have invested everything into their first baby girl.
I am determined when I am well and done with my chemo to help them get the financial means they need to bring a baby home. If you are reading this and have a heart to help the orphan and the families who want to bring them home, please email me. Our church has recently started a Faith In Action ministry that is trying to do just that and we can use your help. I know we, as the Body of Christ, can do this! If you have fundraising ideas - let me know.
Anyway, when my friend, Pam and I parted ways she said that she had asked God for the words to encourage me through this time in my life - like she hadn't already done enough - but then she reminded me of something from when I was in high school that brought back a ton of memories that I had actually not thought about in years. I use to run all of the time. Well, I actually played volleyball, basketball, and ran in track. Running wasn't my favorite of these three sports - basketball was hands down - but I like to win and so that kept me going in track. Basically I loved the race but didn't like the training so much. Most of my running career I suffered from severe shin splints. They were so bad at several points that I could barely walk. But I would go down early for practice every day, stick both of my legs in and ice bucket until my legs were numb, let the trainer tape my legs up to just below my knees, and then I would complete my workout. I pretty much did that for all 4 years of my high school running career. It was extremely painful pretty much all of the time. No wonder childbirth wasn't ever that bad for me.
So, God laid it on Pam's heart to remind me of my perseverance through that time. As I thought back on what I did every day I honestly can't tell you why I did it. I just knew that was I had to do to get the job done and so I did it. Kind of like me going through chemo now. I don't know how I really get through it but I know it is my job now to do it so I can be well again and so I do it. I am just so amazed how God taught me all these lessons throughout my life to prepare me for things like battling cancer. I am grateful for the heart He has given me. I am grateful for my fighting spirit, the endurance that He blessed me with. People use to think it was crazy that I was a distance runner and now I know why He did it. So, I could run the distance now.
I am grateful for my friend Pam and for her seeking God for the "perfect" message for me. Through her faithfulness and obedience I was truly blessed - and I got a cute hair cut. :-)
Love you all and wish you a very blessed day!
~Andrea
I do have a prayer request for Pam and her husband. They started the process of an international adoption over 3 years ago and they are still waiting for their baby girl to come home. Please, please, please lift this family up in prayer. I know we have to trust God's timing in all of this but I know first hand the power of prayer. I know He can bring this baby girl home to her mommy and daddy who are here waiting.
The second prayer request I have for this family is financial support. Me being me, of course I had to ask Pam if she and her husband would be willing to adopt another baby in the meantime. (Hey I have four kids ;-) In no way was I saying to give up on their little girl - but they have had a homestudy done every year for the past 3 years, their paperwork done countless times, they are this perfectly wonderful couple just waiting to fill their home with children and I know there are children out there waiting for a mommy and daddy.....it seems like such a tragedy to me that they don't have a child yet. She told me that they would be willing to adopt another child in addition to their baby girl but they have invested everything into their first baby girl.
I am determined when I am well and done with my chemo to help them get the financial means they need to bring a baby home. If you are reading this and have a heart to help the orphan and the families who want to bring them home, please email me. Our church has recently started a Faith In Action ministry that is trying to do just that and we can use your help. I know we, as the Body of Christ, can do this! If you have fundraising ideas - let me know.
Anyway, when my friend, Pam and I parted ways she said that she had asked God for the words to encourage me through this time in my life - like she hadn't already done enough - but then she reminded me of something from when I was in high school that brought back a ton of memories that I had actually not thought about in years. I use to run all of the time. Well, I actually played volleyball, basketball, and ran in track. Running wasn't my favorite of these three sports - basketball was hands down - but I like to win and so that kept me going in track. Basically I loved the race but didn't like the training so much. Most of my running career I suffered from severe shin splints. They were so bad at several points that I could barely walk. But I would go down early for practice every day, stick both of my legs in and ice bucket until my legs were numb, let the trainer tape my legs up to just below my knees, and then I would complete my workout. I pretty much did that for all 4 years of my high school running career. It was extremely painful pretty much all of the time. No wonder childbirth wasn't ever that bad for me.
So, God laid it on Pam's heart to remind me of my perseverance through that time. As I thought back on what I did every day I honestly can't tell you why I did it. I just knew that was I had to do to get the job done and so I did it. Kind of like me going through chemo now. I don't know how I really get through it but I know it is my job now to do it so I can be well again and so I do it. I am just so amazed how God taught me all these lessons throughout my life to prepare me for things like battling cancer. I am grateful for the heart He has given me. I am grateful for my fighting spirit, the endurance that He blessed me with. People use to think it was crazy that I was a distance runner and now I know why He did it. So, I could run the distance now.
I am grateful for my friend Pam and for her seeking God for the "perfect" message for me. Through her faithfulness and obedience I was truly blessed - and I got a cute hair cut. :-)
Love you all and wish you a very blessed day!
~Andrea
Attention: For Those Who Have Boys........{Boys (Lesson One) - Jars of Clay}
My friend Leah and I were able to see a Jars of Clay concert 2 years or so ago (wow, it didn't seem to be that long ago.) This is one, if not the, favorite song of the night for me. At the time we did not have Kearyn and so I was exclusively a "boys mom" and proud of it. :-) I heard this song and it just touched my heart. I want so badly for my boys to learn these lessons in life. For all of you who have boys - I think you will enjoy it. For all of you who have raised your boys - maybe it will be a way for you to look back fondly at the years you were able to teach these lessons. Regardless, I hope you enjoy.
For those of you who are receiving this by email, once again you will have to go the the blog to listen. I hope it is worth it.
For those of you who are receiving this by email, once again you will have to go the the blog to listen. I hope it is worth it.
Cancer Awareness Alert
Hello All,
As a current cancer patient and a soon to be survivor, I have very called to - even during my treatment - to advocate for as many other cancer patients as I possibly can. God has used this blog to create quite the venue to spread information and for that I feel very blessed and I plan on using it as much as God allows me to in order to continue to spread the messages that He wants me to spread.
About 6 months ago I started praying a simple prayer, "God, break my heart for what breaks yours." I would read of how so many of our actions just truly break God's heart and the thought of that brought a great deal of sadness to me. I wanted to gain a greater awareness with regards to what really broke God's heart instead of just what I thought broke God's heart. He has been faithful in revealing these things to me and it hasn't been easy. Sometimes my heart just aches and tears stream from my eyes because of what is going on in this world. I am getting off on a tangent and I feel another blog post in the making. For now I will refocus on to what this post was suppose to be about.
Since my own diagnosis, I have heard of so many stories of other diagnosis of cancer. It seems like this occurs on a daily basis - I hear of someone else being diagnosed with some sort of cancer. I know this is partially due to the fact that I have cancer and I am far more aware, and others now know I have cancer and want to share more with me because they definitely know I can sympathize and I that I will pray. It is also very obvious to me that we are losing the battle on cancer right now. Although the treatments are there - there needs to be far more done on the prevention end of things. I know there are many people out there dedicating their lives to battling this disease and it is my sincere hope that you join me in prayer to lift these people up. I pray that God gives them the wisdom they need to make treatment more efficient and less painful for all patients, and more importantly, that God provides a way that we can prevent cancer before treatment is ever needed.
Today I received an email from my mother-in-law regarding a new type of breast cancer. It is called Paget's Disease and it actually starts with a rash on your breast. Not that I want anyone to freak out but just have an awareness if you develop this symptom that you need to get it checked out and be persistent in finding a diagnosis as this obviously isn't a typical breast cancer symptom. I know with Hodgkin's Lymphoma that there were all kinds of symptoms that you would never guess had anything to do with the Hodgkin's but after being diagnosed and doing research they were.
Now I don't want everyone out there to start panicking or lose sleep over this, just have an awareness of it and so you can use it to educate other people.
Again, please lift all of the cancer patients, cancer survivors, and all of those in the medical field up in prayer. Blessings ~Andrea
Paget's
As a current cancer patient and a soon to be survivor, I have very called to - even during my treatment - to advocate for as many other cancer patients as I possibly can. God has used this blog to create quite the venue to spread information and for that I feel very blessed and I plan on using it as much as God allows me to in order to continue to spread the messages that He wants me to spread.
About 6 months ago I started praying a simple prayer, "God, break my heart for what breaks yours." I would read of how so many of our actions just truly break God's heart and the thought of that brought a great deal of sadness to me. I wanted to gain a greater awareness with regards to what really broke God's heart instead of just what I thought broke God's heart. He has been faithful in revealing these things to me and it hasn't been easy. Sometimes my heart just aches and tears stream from my eyes because of what is going on in this world. I am getting off on a tangent and I feel another blog post in the making. For now I will refocus on to what this post was suppose to be about.
Since my own diagnosis, I have heard of so many stories of other diagnosis of cancer. It seems like this occurs on a daily basis - I hear of someone else being diagnosed with some sort of cancer. I know this is partially due to the fact that I have cancer and I am far more aware, and others now know I have cancer and want to share more with me because they definitely know I can sympathize and I that I will pray. It is also very obvious to me that we are losing the battle on cancer right now. Although the treatments are there - there needs to be far more done on the prevention end of things. I know there are many people out there dedicating their lives to battling this disease and it is my sincere hope that you join me in prayer to lift these people up. I pray that God gives them the wisdom they need to make treatment more efficient and less painful for all patients, and more importantly, that God provides a way that we can prevent cancer before treatment is ever needed.
Today I received an email from my mother-in-law regarding a new type of breast cancer. It is called Paget's Disease and it actually starts with a rash on your breast. Not that I want anyone to freak out but just have an awareness if you develop this symptom that you need to get it checked out and be persistent in finding a diagnosis as this obviously isn't a typical breast cancer symptom. I know with Hodgkin's Lymphoma that there were all kinds of symptoms that you would never guess had anything to do with the Hodgkin's but after being diagnosed and doing research they were.
Now I don't want everyone out there to start panicking or lose sleep over this, just have an awareness of it and so you can use it to educate other people.
Again, please lift all of the cancer patients, cancer survivors, and all of those in the medical field up in prayer. Blessings ~Andrea
Paget's
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Missing In Action
I know I have been MIA for a few days? Have you missed me? :-)
The truth is that I was approached by a website that I do some writing for about doing and extensive research project for them (yes, I am one of the crazy people out there the like to do research) and so I took the opportunity to do that for them. However, with have chemo today I was cramming like crazy to get it done for them prior to the treatment.
I have a lot to catch you up on but I didn't want to go to bed without giving you all some kind of update as it is "chemo day".
I did much, much, much better this time. The new medication combination seems to working much better. I only had a tiny bit of discomfort when I woke up this evening after my nap and felt some nausea. I took one of my med's and had a milkshake that my mom brought over and it made it all better. :-)
Thank you all for your prayers. I will update you more tomorrow on what has been going on the past few days.
Blessings,
Andrea
The truth is that I was approached by a website that I do some writing for about doing and extensive research project for them (yes, I am one of the crazy people out there the like to do research) and so I took the opportunity to do that for them. However, with have chemo today I was cramming like crazy to get it done for them prior to the treatment.
I have a lot to catch you up on but I didn't want to go to bed without giving you all some kind of update as it is "chemo day".
I did much, much, much better this time. The new medication combination seems to working much better. I only had a tiny bit of discomfort when I woke up this evening after my nap and felt some nausea. I took one of my med's and had a milkshake that my mom brought over and it made it all better. :-)
Thank you all for your prayers. I will update you more tomorrow on what has been going on the past few days.
Blessings,
Andrea
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Day 45: Dinner and a Hair Cut.....{Part 1}
So yesterday, Friday, was way too eventful for one post so I am dividing it into 2.
I know many have been wondering if I have started losing my hair yet. Most people don't ask me and opt to ask my husband instead. The funny thing is that it actually bothers him more than it bothers me. I don't want anyone to feel bad if you are reading this and have asked my husband about my hair because, if you haven't noticed, my hubby is a pretty tough guy and he has the wonderful ability to let things go easily.
Back to my hair.... I have been losing my hair for a little while now. I haven't even really noticed that it has thinned that much because I really have a ton of hair. (Ironically this always annoyed me in the past but now seems to be a good thing, who knew.) A couple of people have said they can see how it has thinned, and so maybe it has, but because I see it multiple times a day I don't notice it as much.
Anyway, the past week or so it has gotten worse and it was just time to get it cut. My friend, Pam, who I have known since I was like 10 (literally) had offered to cut it for me when I was first diagnosed. She has gone through this process with several other cancer patients and so she is totally aware of how this stuff progresses. I was relieved because that meant at least one of us knew. I find that I am all together clueless about a lot of this stuff and because there are so many different kinds of cancer out there - and subsequently that many different types of treatment - every situation is quite unique.
So, she cut my hair into a cute A-line. I am really happy with it as it will be a lot easier for me to take care of than my long hair. I am also always up for a change - change is good - at least when it come to my hair. I can tell you I will never ever never ever never ever be one of those that has the same hairdo for 2 decades. (Yes, I meant to use that many "never ever's".) I just get bored too quickly with things to let that happen. I hear so many people say that they "look good" with that particular hairstyle. Well, how do you know that you won't look even better with another hairstyle until you try it? And after all, it is only hair and it will grow back. At least mine always has.
The hair loss is a big deal for some and I don't really know why it isn't for me. It just isn't though. I do have my suspicions on why. I think it comes down to my perspective. As I have said before, losing my hair is such a small price to pay in order to get to see my kids grow up. Really it is and I can't speak for everyone out there but I think if you were given that choice - lose your hair and get to see your children grow up or keep your hair and don't - I am pretty sure you would say goodbye to your hair in a heartbeat, at least I know I would.
Also, I don't fear change. I know for me personally when fear begins to creep in it is because of the unknown but that is very different than change for me. An example of an unknown that I have feared before was like when I didn't know how far the cancer had spread through my body but then God gave me a peace that He was in control of that "unknown" and it didn't need to be feared any longer and so I didn't.
But I have never feared change. That is probably why I didn't mind moving around the country like we did. I just viewed it as an adventure. Getting my hair cut is like a scaled down version of that. You get the change without the packing Which is great because I hate packing. Anyway, if you get a hair cut what is the worst that can happen? You don't like it for a couple of months until it grows out. In the scope of life that is pretty small.
I also have my suspicions on why it bothers those around me so much that I am losing my hair - such as my tough guy husband. It bothers others because it is one of the few things that they can see that represents what the reality of the situation is. No one knows how bad I feel physically. Jason gets to witness this the most obviously, but he still doesn't know fully. I try to put it into words for him so he can have an idea every once in a while - like you know when you had your ingrown toe removed, well imagine having that done over and over again for about a week straight - or something like that. He then cringes in agony but he never really knows because he isn't the one going through it. Not that I would ever want him too but my point is that he sees my hair falling out and it is a visual for him of how bad the situation really is. Or maybe he just really liked my hair, I don't know. I am just talking out loud here.
I have felt so blessed to have all of you in my life who have encouraged me through this and tell me how cute my hair looks. That is definitely what I need to hear instead of something like....Wow, you got a hair cut.......and she sure did cut it didn't she....wow, looky there....it sure is short... Yeah, that just tends to be discouraging. Thankfully no one has reacted like that yet, at least not in words. I am sure there were a few thinking it. You know who you are. :-) Just kidding.
Anyway, I will blog tomorrow more about this day as it is getting late now. I wish you all a very blessed day.
~Andrea
I know many have been wondering if I have started losing my hair yet. Most people don't ask me and opt to ask my husband instead. The funny thing is that it actually bothers him more than it bothers me. I don't want anyone to feel bad if you are reading this and have asked my husband about my hair because, if you haven't noticed, my hubby is a pretty tough guy and he has the wonderful ability to let things go easily.
Back to my hair.... I have been losing my hair for a little while now. I haven't even really noticed that it has thinned that much because I really have a ton of hair. (Ironically this always annoyed me in the past but now seems to be a good thing, who knew.) A couple of people have said they can see how it has thinned, and so maybe it has, but because I see it multiple times a day I don't notice it as much.
Anyway, the past week or so it has gotten worse and it was just time to get it cut. My friend, Pam, who I have known since I was like 10 (literally) had offered to cut it for me when I was first diagnosed. She has gone through this process with several other cancer patients and so she is totally aware of how this stuff progresses. I was relieved because that meant at least one of us knew. I find that I am all together clueless about a lot of this stuff and because there are so many different kinds of cancer out there - and subsequently that many different types of treatment - every situation is quite unique.
So, she cut my hair into a cute A-line. I am really happy with it as it will be a lot easier for me to take care of than my long hair. I am also always up for a change - change is good - at least when it come to my hair. I can tell you I will never ever never ever never ever be one of those that has the same hairdo for 2 decades. (Yes, I meant to use that many "never ever's".) I just get bored too quickly with things to let that happen. I hear so many people say that they "look good" with that particular hairstyle. Well, how do you know that you won't look even better with another hairstyle until you try it? And after all, it is only hair and it will grow back. At least mine always has.
The hair loss is a big deal for some and I don't really know why it isn't for me. It just isn't though. I do have my suspicions on why. I think it comes down to my perspective. As I have said before, losing my hair is such a small price to pay in order to get to see my kids grow up. Really it is and I can't speak for everyone out there but I think if you were given that choice - lose your hair and get to see your children grow up or keep your hair and don't - I am pretty sure you would say goodbye to your hair in a heartbeat, at least I know I would.
Also, I don't fear change. I know for me personally when fear begins to creep in it is because of the unknown but that is very different than change for me. An example of an unknown that I have feared before was like when I didn't know how far the cancer had spread through my body but then God gave me a peace that He was in control of that "unknown" and it didn't need to be feared any longer and so I didn't.
But I have never feared change. That is probably why I didn't mind moving around the country like we did. I just viewed it as an adventure. Getting my hair cut is like a scaled down version of that. You get the change without the packing Which is great because I hate packing. Anyway, if you get a hair cut what is the worst that can happen? You don't like it for a couple of months until it grows out. In the scope of life that is pretty small.
I also have my suspicions on why it bothers those around me so much that I am losing my hair - such as my tough guy husband. It bothers others because it is one of the few things that they can see that represents what the reality of the situation is. No one knows how bad I feel physically. Jason gets to witness this the most obviously, but he still doesn't know fully. I try to put it into words for him so he can have an idea every once in a while - like you know when you had your ingrown toe removed, well imagine having that done over and over again for about a week straight - or something like that. He then cringes in agony but he never really knows because he isn't the one going through it. Not that I would ever want him too but my point is that he sees my hair falling out and it is a visual for him of how bad the situation really is. Or maybe he just really liked my hair, I don't know. I am just talking out loud here.
I have felt so blessed to have all of you in my life who have encouraged me through this and tell me how cute my hair looks. That is definitely what I need to hear instead of something like....Wow, you got a hair cut.......and she sure did cut it didn't she....wow, looky there....it sure is short... Yeah, that just tends to be discouraging. Thankfully no one has reacted like that yet, at least not in words. I am sure there were a few thinking it. You know who you are. :-) Just kidding.
Anyway, I will blog tomorrow more about this day as it is getting late now. I wish you all a very blessed day.
~Andrea
Day 44: My Little Men
One of the greatest joys of my life are my children. I am pretty sure you have all pretty much picked up on that by now as I talk about them continually. I know that in my life I was called to be a wife and a mother. These two rolls are my first ministry. I am grateful for the opportunity to be both.
Back to my children... tonight Jason had a worship night planned at the church so I stayed home with the kids. At one point I got pretty tired and decided to lay down for a minute to regain my strength. I asked Cale and Ky to play with their sister for a few minutes so I could do that. All three boys are just so good with her but especially the older two. They really adore her. Cale says all the time how much he is going to miss her when he leaves home.....(in 7 more years - he is definitely my one who plans ahead).
Anyway, I could hear them playing with her. Cale kept coming in to check on me and I began to suspect that something else was going on. Finally, he came in and said that whenever I was ready I could come out and see a surprise for me. When I went out into the living room they had picked up all the toys for me and straightened up. He then had gone through the fridge and found stuff to put together as a dinner. We had ham and potatoes. He and his brother had set the table and got everything ready for me. It was so sweet and I couldn't help but to think what wonderful husbands they will make someday. How blessed am I to have these little men in my life.
Back to my children... tonight Jason had a worship night planned at the church so I stayed home with the kids. At one point I got pretty tired and decided to lay down for a minute to regain my strength. I asked Cale and Ky to play with their sister for a few minutes so I could do that. All three boys are just so good with her but especially the older two. They really adore her. Cale says all the time how much he is going to miss her when he leaves home.....(in 7 more years - he is definitely my one who plans ahead).
Anyway, I could hear them playing with her. Cale kept coming in to check on me and I began to suspect that something else was going on. Finally, he came in and said that whenever I was ready I could come out and see a surprise for me. When I went out into the living room they had picked up all the toys for me and straightened up. He then had gone through the fridge and found stuff to put together as a dinner. We had ham and potatoes. He and his brother had set the table and got everything ready for me. It was so sweet and I couldn't help but to think what wonderful husbands they will make someday. How blessed am I to have these little men in my life.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Little Things About Me....{Part 1}
Some of you have known me my whole life, (Mom I am referring to you on this one) and some of you only know me from the words that I write here on this blog. Many of you lie somewhere in between that thirty-one year spectrum. I was thinking, pondering I like to call it, today about some different posts I can write as I feel like I have been short changing you guys a bit lately. (Don't worry, I don't lie awake stressing about my blog. I don't want a bunch of you to email me telling me how I should not be stressing about my blog when I am in the condition that I am in. You can email me, just don't email me about that ;-)
Anyway, I was thinking about things that are in my life that you may or may not be surprised to know about me besides what you read everyday on my blog. This was partially inspired by a list that my friend Georgia placed on our family help blog (jchelpinghands.blogspot.com).
So, here it goes. I hope I don't live to regret this. My reader count may drop drastically once you all start to get to know me better. LOL
I actually love politics. Many are surprised to hear this I know because I don't really talk about it "in public" that often. But for example, did you all realize that the 2012 Presidential Election is only 20 months away? I know, I know - there is no hope for me.
One of my favorite things to do is talk politics with my dad. He is like the Yoda of all politics. You can ask him about any politician and he will start quoting statistics and where they stand on this or that. It is really quite impressive and I just really enjoy it. (He would be so mad knowing I was talking about him like this. He is also a very humble man. Hey, I have cancer and am going through chemo. Maybe he won't get too upset with me.:-)
Anyway, I know I inherited the political bug from him. As I said, I just don't talk about it in public a lot, unless asked. Then I will gently state my opinion. I was told a long time ago that if you want to maintain friendships you need to avoid religion and politics - well the first one kind of went out the window when Jason became a pastor - occupational hazard you can call it :-) but the second I try to hang on to.
Anyone surprised by this?
Anyway, I was thinking about things that are in my life that you may or may not be surprised to know about me besides what you read everyday on my blog. This was partially inspired by a list that my friend Georgia placed on our family help blog (jchelpinghands.blogspot.com).
So, here it goes. I hope I don't live to regret this. My reader count may drop drastically once you all start to get to know me better. LOL
I actually love politics. Many are surprised to hear this I know because I don't really talk about it "in public" that often. But for example, did you all realize that the 2012 Presidential Election is only 20 months away? I know, I know - there is no hope for me.
One of my favorite things to do is talk politics with my dad. He is like the Yoda of all politics. You can ask him about any politician and he will start quoting statistics and where they stand on this or that. It is really quite impressive and I just really enjoy it. (He would be so mad knowing I was talking about him like this. He is also a very humble man. Hey, I have cancer and am going through chemo. Maybe he won't get too upset with me.:-)
Anyway, I know I inherited the political bug from him. As I said, I just don't talk about it in public a lot, unless asked. Then I will gently state my opinion. I was told a long time ago that if you want to maintain friendships you need to avoid religion and politics - well the first one kind of went out the window when Jason became a pastor - occupational hazard you can call it :-) but the second I try to hang on to.
Anyone surprised by this?
It's Okay to Struggle
It's okay to struggle. Did you know that? I have to remind myself of that quite often. I had to remind myself of that today in fact. It isn't that I don't want to appear weak - I know I am weak and only God provides my strength. It is that I hate to bother anyone. I think that if I admit that I am struggling that I might bother someone because they may want to help me. How silly is that? Of course we are suppose to help one another. We are the body of Christ.
Yesterday I was struggling deeply. Finally I thought to myself how silly it was for me to be worrying and struggling all by myself like that (Jason was at work) and so I called my dear friend, Maryann. I said, "Hey, Maryann, I am struggling and just need someone to talk to about it." She was happy to do so - just listen to me and let me get things out in the light so God can do His thing. She asked me a couple of questions and gave me Godly advise and then guess what - she prayed for me. It was so refreshing. I spent all of those hours worrying and stressing over these things - most of which I cannot control - and in one phone call to a friend, things were in perspective and I could cope again.
Do you have a friend like that? I pray you do. God has blessed me with people in my life, like Maryann, that I know will be there for me when I need them and sometimes, even when I don't know that I need them. I was thankful for my friend Maryann today because of her insight and her prayers, I feel like that is also why I am doing so well today. God used her to bless me in a time when I needed it most.
God bless you all!
~Andrea
Yesterday I was struggling deeply. Finally I thought to myself how silly it was for me to be worrying and struggling all by myself like that (Jason was at work) and so I called my dear friend, Maryann. I said, "Hey, Maryann, I am struggling and just need someone to talk to about it." She was happy to do so - just listen to me and let me get things out in the light so God can do His thing. She asked me a couple of questions and gave me Godly advise and then guess what - she prayed for me. It was so refreshing. I spent all of those hours worrying and stressing over these things - most of which I cannot control - and in one phone call to a friend, things were in perspective and I could cope again.
Do you have a friend like that? I pray you do. God has blessed me with people in my life, like Maryann, that I know will be there for me when I need them and sometimes, even when I don't know that I need them. I was thankful for my friend Maryann today because of her insight and her prayers, I feel like that is also why I am doing so well today. God used her to bless me in a time when I needed it most.
God bless you all!
~Andrea
Day 43: Doctor's Appointment Update
Hello Family and Friends,
I feel like I should just call you all family. Would that be okay? After all we have been through together - I know this is just as tough on you as it is on me. I may be the one that is going through chemo but you are the ones that are having to watch me go through it. You are also the ones that have to listen to me whine so maybe it is worse on you. :-)
I feel like I have been MIA but I am happy to report that today I am finally feeling much better. I went to the doctor too, which made me feel even better. I have another treatment next Wednesday and then the following another PET Scan in GJ. I then go back to my doctor on Thursday and they will tell me how many more treatments I will have. On that same day I will meet with the radiation doctor. He will then tell me how long I will have to have radiation. My doctor today thought it would be 5 days a week for 3-4 weeks. So why am I so happy about all of this you may be wondering.....
Because we are planning the end of treatment. The focus has now shifted from just chemo alone to the next stage. I don't know when it is going to begin or how long that is going to last and that all doesn't matter - it just matters that we are planning the end of my treatment. It gives me hope. It gives me energy. It gives me the strength that I so desperately need to finish what has been started. This probably makes no sense and I don't even know if I am describing it well but the energy is there and that is all that matters.
Some of you may be cringing about the radiation but don't. My doctor says that compared to chemo - it is a piece of cake. Plus I will be in town everyday which means that I get to have lots of lunches with all my friends. Anyone interested? We might be eating peanut butter sandwiches at the park but it can be great fellowship all the same.
What else can I tell you - oh, I also got to visit with my pastor today. That was really nice. I hadn't been able to catch up with him recently because of the kids being sick and then me being sick - I pray all of you have a wonderful pastor like I do. If you go to my church then I know you do but, just the same, I pray that you take the time to get to know him if you don't know him well. He is just an amazing man of God, and Jason and I are so blessed to have him for our boss and pastor. There are no words. And his wife is amazing as well. She took care of Kearyn for us the other day when Kearyn wasn't feeling good and we were just so blessed to have our baby girl in her loving hands.
Anyway, I think I could write forever tonight. I am sure you are getting tired of reading. I will talk to you all later. ~Andrea
P.S. I wanted to give a special thanks to Kathy. Thank you for being so faithful in your reading and in your friendship. I always read you emails and I am so encouraged. Maybe one of these days we can get together for coffee and you can share what God is doing in your life with me. I would love to hear all about it. Thanks again Kathy, you have touched my heart. ~Andrea
I feel like I should just call you all family. Would that be okay? After all we have been through together - I know this is just as tough on you as it is on me. I may be the one that is going through chemo but you are the ones that are having to watch me go through it. You are also the ones that have to listen to me whine so maybe it is worse on you. :-)
I feel like I have been MIA but I am happy to report that today I am finally feeling much better. I went to the doctor too, which made me feel even better. I have another treatment next Wednesday and then the following another PET Scan in GJ. I then go back to my doctor on Thursday and they will tell me how many more treatments I will have. On that same day I will meet with the radiation doctor. He will then tell me how long I will have to have radiation. My doctor today thought it would be 5 days a week for 3-4 weeks. So why am I so happy about all of this you may be wondering.....
Because we are planning the end of treatment. The focus has now shifted from just chemo alone to the next stage. I don't know when it is going to begin or how long that is going to last and that all doesn't matter - it just matters that we are planning the end of my treatment. It gives me hope. It gives me energy. It gives me the strength that I so desperately need to finish what has been started. This probably makes no sense and I don't even know if I am describing it well but the energy is there and that is all that matters.
Some of you may be cringing about the radiation but don't. My doctor says that compared to chemo - it is a piece of cake. Plus I will be in town everyday which means that I get to have lots of lunches with all my friends. Anyone interested? We might be eating peanut butter sandwiches at the park but it can be great fellowship all the same.
What else can I tell you - oh, I also got to visit with my pastor today. That was really nice. I hadn't been able to catch up with him recently because of the kids being sick and then me being sick - I pray all of you have a wonderful pastor like I do. If you go to my church then I know you do but, just the same, I pray that you take the time to get to know him if you don't know him well. He is just an amazing man of God, and Jason and I are so blessed to have him for our boss and pastor. There are no words. And his wife is amazing as well. She took care of Kearyn for us the other day when Kearyn wasn't feeling good and we were just so blessed to have our baby girl in her loving hands.
Anyway, I think I could write forever tonight. I am sure you are getting tired of reading. I will talk to you all later. ~Andrea
P.S. I wanted to give a special thanks to Kathy. Thank you for being so faithful in your reading and in your friendship. I always read you emails and I am so encouraged. Maybe one of these days we can get together for coffee and you can share what God is doing in your life with me. I would love to hear all about it. Thanks again Kathy, you have touched my heart. ~Andrea
Day 42: Is there another word for tired?
I feel like I have used all of the words that have the meaning of "tired" up and yet, I am still tired. I didn't post this last night as I went to bed so early. I am also still feeling a bit nauseated as well. I am really looking forward to that going away.
I still feel like I am in a very dark and isolated place. I realized today that I have not done anything creative in a while and that is probably why I am feeling so blah. My creativity is such an avenue of expression for me and I realize quickly that when I don't use my creativity for something, I start to get grumpy. My writing hasn't even worked. I have an account that I have to turn in an article each morning and I feel like I am barely getting through them.
I keep seeking God in this and I keep asking for His mercy - His relief in all of this. I have faith that He will answer....I just hope it is soon.
I still feel like I am in a very dark and isolated place. I realized today that I have not done anything creative in a while and that is probably why I am feeling so blah. My creativity is such an avenue of expression for me and I realize quickly that when I don't use my creativity for something, I start to get grumpy. My writing hasn't even worked. I have an account that I have to turn in an article each morning and I feel like I am barely getting through them.
I keep seeking God in this and I keep asking for His mercy - His relief in all of this. I have faith that He will answer....I just hope it is soon.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Day 41: Dreams
I was still very tired today. My bones are also very achy from my booster shot on Thursday. My head seems to be clearing a bit which is nice. I hate living with the chemo brain fog. My taste buds seem to have returned and the metallic taste is gone. My mouth is no longer sore from the mouth sores. So all-in-all, I am feeling better despite the fatigue and the soreness.
I think everyone is finally getting healthy in the family as well. Kearyn is the last one with a cough but she is in good spirits which is nice. It wasn't that she was ever really that fussy, she just wanted to be held all of the time and didn't want to play or anything. It is so hard when your baby is sick.
I had not left the house in several days and I just really felt that I needed to get out. My sister and her husband graciously agreed to watch the kids for us while Jason and I went to dinner which was sponsored by some dear friends of ours.
This was the first time in a long, long time that we have had time for just the two of us and we cherished every minute of it. We even had dessert. :-)
These are the moments that I cling to. We had good conversation about things that didn't remotely relate to cancer or cancer treatment. It was just like old times or new times, however you want to look at it.
I am excited to get past this. I am excited to start a new chapter in my life. I am excited to not burden my family with this any longer. These are the things I dream of.
I think everyone is finally getting healthy in the family as well. Kearyn is the last one with a cough but she is in good spirits which is nice. It wasn't that she was ever really that fussy, she just wanted to be held all of the time and didn't want to play or anything. It is so hard when your baby is sick.
I had not left the house in several days and I just really felt that I needed to get out. My sister and her husband graciously agreed to watch the kids for us while Jason and I went to dinner which was sponsored by some dear friends of ours.
This was the first time in a long, long time that we have had time for just the two of us and we cherished every minute of it. We even had dessert. :-)
These are the moments that I cling to. We had good conversation about things that didn't remotely relate to cancer or cancer treatment. It was just like old times or new times, however you want to look at it.
I am excited to get past this. I am excited to start a new chapter in my life. I am excited to not burden my family with this any longer. These are the things I dream of.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Day 40: Praise You In This Storm
(For you receiving this by email, to hear the song you will need to actually go to the blog to do so. It is also helpful if you "mute" my background music once you get there which is located all the way at the bottom of the blog. I hope this is helpful.)
I was listening to my music today and I heard this song, which is one of my favorites, and a flood of memories washed over me. I have always really liked this song. To me, it is the ultimate worship of God, praising Him in a storm. Isn't it so much easier to praise Him when things are going "just right"? At least for me it always has been.
Although I have listened to this song many times, the first time I really heard this song happened in a car ride shortly after we lost our baby boy in April of 2009. I remember so vividly - it came on the radio and I just started crying. The pain was still so very fresh and I just felt like God was telling me this was what I needed to do. Praise HIM in this storm.
Since that time, I have rarely been able to listen to this song without at least tearing up. I think of my son in Heaven, waiting for me with his 4 other brothers and sisters. I think of the pain of that time in my life and how I never knew if I would fully recover or not.
Well, I have never fully recovered and I know I never will. But I can also say that I don't know if I want to. No longer feeling that pain would mean that I would somehow forget and I never want to forget the baby that I only got to hold one time. I am a different person for what I went through then and I am a different person for what I am going through now. But despite it all, I am still praising God in this storm as I praised Him in the last.
I know many of your are in "storms" right now. Some of you have recently had or have a family member who has had a miscarriage, like Jason and I endured so many times. Some of you, like me, were just diagnosed with an illness or are battling some sort of injury. Some of you are having trouble in a relationship - marriage or otherwise. Some of you are having financial struggles. It doesn't really matter what the "storm" is - it is still a storm in your life and therefore it is meaningful to not only you but to God as well.
You see, through all of this, I have never doubted God's love for me. I have been certain of that, if nothing else, continually. I have so many things before me to remind me of His love. I have my husband and my four beautiful children. I have my family and friends that remind me of His love through your kind words and loving gestures. These are the things that I cling to during the storm.
I pray that if you are listening to this song for the first time that it touches your heart as it has touched mine. I pray that if you have listened to this song before that you will be able to "hear" it on an entirely different level now. I pray that no matter what storm you are in right now - large or small - that you continue to feel God's love and are able to praise Him in the storm. God bless you all. ~Andrea
I was listening to my music today and I heard this song, which is one of my favorites, and a flood of memories washed over me. I have always really liked this song. To me, it is the ultimate worship of God, praising Him in a storm. Isn't it so much easier to praise Him when things are going "just right"? At least for me it always has been.
Although I have listened to this song many times, the first time I really heard this song happened in a car ride shortly after we lost our baby boy in April of 2009. I remember so vividly - it came on the radio and I just started crying. The pain was still so very fresh and I just felt like God was telling me this was what I needed to do. Praise HIM in this storm.
Since that time, I have rarely been able to listen to this song without at least tearing up. I think of my son in Heaven, waiting for me with his 4 other brothers and sisters. I think of the pain of that time in my life and how I never knew if I would fully recover or not.
Well, I have never fully recovered and I know I never will. But I can also say that I don't know if I want to. No longer feeling that pain would mean that I would somehow forget and I never want to forget the baby that I only got to hold one time. I am a different person for what I went through then and I am a different person for what I am going through now. But despite it all, I am still praising God in this storm as I praised Him in the last.
I know many of your are in "storms" right now. Some of you have recently had or have a family member who has had a miscarriage, like Jason and I endured so many times. Some of you, like me, were just diagnosed with an illness or are battling some sort of injury. Some of you are having trouble in a relationship - marriage or otherwise. Some of you are having financial struggles. It doesn't really matter what the "storm" is - it is still a storm in your life and therefore it is meaningful to not only you but to God as well.
You see, through all of this, I have never doubted God's love for me. I have been certain of that, if nothing else, continually. I have so many things before me to remind me of His love. I have my husband and my four beautiful children. I have my family and friends that remind me of His love through your kind words and loving gestures. These are the things that I cling to during the storm.
I pray that if you are listening to this song for the first time that it touches your heart as it has touched mine. I pray that if you have listened to this song before that you will be able to "hear" it on an entirely different level now. I pray that no matter what storm you are in right now - large or small - that you continue to feel God's love and are able to praise Him in the storm. God bless you all. ~Andrea
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Day 39: Weak
Hello my dear friends. I just wanted to say thank you for reading this. Thank you for continuing on this journey with my family and me. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for your prayers and just believing in me that I can do this. Thank you for your offers of help. It has been overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time.
The only word I could think of to describe today was "weak". My body, mind, and spirit have all been pushed to the limit over the past few days and I definitely feel the fatigue. How easy it is to stay in the pit when you are already there but I am determined to get out of it.
I actually feel like I have recovered the most spiritually. Just seeking God over and over has brought me a great deal of comfort and peace. Although I know I am weak and I am not going to disguise it or hide it - the important thing here is that He is here with me and that is all I can ask for.
Mentally, I am battling. The sounds of my children keep me going. I hate the silence. I love to hear the chatter of the boys and the cooing of the baby. As Kearyn sits with me on the bed and loving crawls into my arms and just loves me as her mama, there is no greater reminder as to why I am doing this - why I am enduring. I love how my little men come in separately and check on me in their own little way. I think to myself what wonderful husbands they are all three going to make someday. I know without a doubt that in the end it will all be worth it.
My husband, it is probably the hardest on him. "Mr. Fix-it", as I affectionately like to call him, feels like he can't "fix" this. But he has no idea how much God uses him to bring so much comfort and peace to me. I see how he sacrifices his own comfort continually to make sure I am as comfortable as I can be. He is at my beck-and-call, getting me anything and everything that he thinks might make it a little bit better. I know he has not slept a full night since the diagnosis, yet he keeps on going. I know the worry for him is extensive as I can see it in his eyes and I know, without a doubt, he would take this for me if he could.
I do think he realized how bad this was on me today when I loving told him......you remember the whole "labor and delivery" scene we visited together several times (granted we are light-weights compared to some of our friends :-).......well that is nothing compared to going through chemo. His eyes just kind of got big and his mouth dropped open slightly. There were no words.
Anyway, today started out rough and I just felt so incredibly weak. I rested as much as I could clear into the evening. My mom came over and helped with the kids while Jason went to work and that was nice for the kids to have some grandma time. When Jason came home he brought all kinds of goodies that our friends had blessed us with - paper plates, forks/spoons, cups, paper-towels, and napkins. Someone even brought me flowers! They are beautiful. Whoever brought them didn't sign the card so I can't thank them personally but just know that they really did brighten my day. Thank you.
I am looking forward to tomorrow. Each day marks a new beginning. One of my dear friends sent me words of encouragement that referenced to how God's grace started fresh each day. (She was so much more eloquent in the way she put it.)
For now, I am going to say goodnight and continue to rest so that my body, mind, and soul can be strengthened and restored. God bless you all.
~Andrea
The only word I could think of to describe today was "weak". My body, mind, and spirit have all been pushed to the limit over the past few days and I definitely feel the fatigue. How easy it is to stay in the pit when you are already there but I am determined to get out of it.
I actually feel like I have recovered the most spiritually. Just seeking God over and over has brought me a great deal of comfort and peace. Although I know I am weak and I am not going to disguise it or hide it - the important thing here is that He is here with me and that is all I can ask for.
Mentally, I am battling. The sounds of my children keep me going. I hate the silence. I love to hear the chatter of the boys and the cooing of the baby. As Kearyn sits with me on the bed and loving crawls into my arms and just loves me as her mama, there is no greater reminder as to why I am doing this - why I am enduring. I love how my little men come in separately and check on me in their own little way. I think to myself what wonderful husbands they are all three going to make someday. I know without a doubt that in the end it will all be worth it.
My husband, it is probably the hardest on him. "Mr. Fix-it", as I affectionately like to call him, feels like he can't "fix" this. But he has no idea how much God uses him to bring so much comfort and peace to me. I see how he sacrifices his own comfort continually to make sure I am as comfortable as I can be. He is at my beck-and-call, getting me anything and everything that he thinks might make it a little bit better. I know he has not slept a full night since the diagnosis, yet he keeps on going. I know the worry for him is extensive as I can see it in his eyes and I know, without a doubt, he would take this for me if he could.
I do think he realized how bad this was on me today when I loving told him......you remember the whole "labor and delivery" scene we visited together several times (granted we are light-weights compared to some of our friends :-).......well that is nothing compared to going through chemo. His eyes just kind of got big and his mouth dropped open slightly. There were no words.
Anyway, today started out rough and I just felt so incredibly weak. I rested as much as I could clear into the evening. My mom came over and helped with the kids while Jason went to work and that was nice for the kids to have some grandma time. When Jason came home he brought all kinds of goodies that our friends had blessed us with - paper plates, forks/spoons, cups, paper-towels, and napkins. Someone even brought me flowers! They are beautiful. Whoever brought them didn't sign the card so I can't thank them personally but just know that they really did brighten my day. Thank you.
I am looking forward to tomorrow. Each day marks a new beginning. One of my dear friends sent me words of encouragement that referenced to how God's grace started fresh each day. (She was so much more eloquent in the way she put it.)
For now, I am going to say goodnight and continue to rest so that my body, mind, and soul can be strengthened and restored. God bless you all.
~Andrea
Friday, March 11, 2011
Day 38: Battling
I am just posting a quick note tonight as I am still feeling quite sick and don't have much energy right now. I woke up pretty rough and kept trying every option that I have available to me here at the house. By 11:30am or so I was feeling better. I slept until about 4pm and then things started to get rough again. I have been battling since then.
I will update you tomorrow on how I am doing. Thanks for the prayers.
I will update you tomorrow on how I am doing. Thanks for the prayers.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Day 37: Post Chemo 3 (2nd Worst Day Yet)
Today was a bad day. I felt terrible all day and then had to force myself to get up and go to my doctor's appointment to get a shot that I knew would make me feel worse.
Then when I got there, I had to face some additional issues that concerned our financial standing with the hospital, and let's just say it did not go over well. I cannot give any specifics because I do not want to bring more turmoil to an already highly upsetting situation to all who were involved but I can tell you that I did not necessarily react in a Christ-like manner. Now I am riddled with guilt and desperately seeking God for guidance in the way I need to go about making this situation right - at least on my end. Although I did not feel that I was the cause of it and I felt very much attacked personally through the situation, I had no right to react that way I did.
This is especially disheartening to me because I have felt so convicted to witness to all that I come across through this journey and I feel like I did just the opposite in this situation. I feel like I have damaged The Kingdom in a way that I had no right to do. For that my heart is aching tonight. We, as Christians, have such an important role. We have to guard our every word, as each of our words hold so much power, and we do not want to ever use our words to do damage - not to our family, not to our friends, and not to strangers.
I feel as if this is the second worst day, only to the day I was diagnosed, since this all began.
There are so many issues that a family goes through when someone is diagnosed with cancer, or any long term or life threatening illness for that matter, and I just feel more convicted than ever to be a voice for all of those who have, who will, or who are enduring one of these situations. The financial issues can be as overwhelming and as stressful as the actual disease itself. The stress that it causes is debilitating in itself, not to mention trying to deal with it while going through treatment.
I will not make excuses for what I did. I can tell you that I simply reacted on the emotion in the moment and I did not seek Christ at that crucial time. Oh, how I was so swiftly reminded how we all fall so short of the glory of God. I always ask my oldest son one question - which he absolutely hates - whenever he has reacted to a situation. I ask, "Did you honor God, or did you honor the enemy?" He does not like it because the answer is really black and white yet we live is a society that always tries to makes things gray. It is really hard to say that you honored the enemy when you love God with all your heart. Well, this time I did not honor God. I honored the enemy, and as much as that turns my stomach, I know that God's forgiveness is there for the taking. I only have to accept it and then the truly hard part - move on.
Then when I got there, I had to face some additional issues that concerned our financial standing with the hospital, and let's just say it did not go over well. I cannot give any specifics because I do not want to bring more turmoil to an already highly upsetting situation to all who were involved but I can tell you that I did not necessarily react in a Christ-like manner. Now I am riddled with guilt and desperately seeking God for guidance in the way I need to go about making this situation right - at least on my end. Although I did not feel that I was the cause of it and I felt very much attacked personally through the situation, I had no right to react that way I did.
This is especially disheartening to me because I have felt so convicted to witness to all that I come across through this journey and I feel like I did just the opposite in this situation. I feel like I have damaged The Kingdom in a way that I had no right to do. For that my heart is aching tonight. We, as Christians, have such an important role. We have to guard our every word, as each of our words hold so much power, and we do not want to ever use our words to do damage - not to our family, not to our friends, and not to strangers.
I feel as if this is the second worst day, only to the day I was diagnosed, since this all began.
There are so many issues that a family goes through when someone is diagnosed with cancer, or any long term or life threatening illness for that matter, and I just feel more convicted than ever to be a voice for all of those who have, who will, or who are enduring one of these situations. The financial issues can be as overwhelming and as stressful as the actual disease itself. The stress that it causes is debilitating in itself, not to mention trying to deal with it while going through treatment.
I will not make excuses for what I did. I can tell you that I simply reacted on the emotion in the moment and I did not seek Christ at that crucial time. Oh, how I was so swiftly reminded how we all fall so short of the glory of God. I always ask my oldest son one question - which he absolutely hates - whenever he has reacted to a situation. I ask, "Did you honor God, or did you honor the enemy?" He does not like it because the answer is really black and white yet we live is a society that always tries to makes things gray. It is really hard to say that you honored the enemy when you love God with all your heart. Well, this time I did not honor God. I honored the enemy, and as much as that turns my stomach, I know that God's forgiveness is there for the taking. I only have to accept it and then the truly hard part - move on.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Believe in God
I just had to share this. This is one of the dear sweet girls that we have gotten to know through the youth group. She actually wrote this song for Jason and me.
I am not going to lie, I cried like a baby when I heard it. It is so encouraging to me to see how these kids that Jason and I love so very much have reached out to us in their own way. We have received cards, scripture, letters, others have blogged about us on their own blogs, we received a video that one of the girls made for us, some of the boys shaved their heads, lots of hugs, one young man texts Jason at least twice a week to check on me (and he is only 15), and Nikki wrote a song for us. I know the list goes on and on.
I just want you all to know these things and be so encouraged at what this next generation is doing. Jason and I see it each and every day and if that doesn't give you hope, I don't know what will. I know I have talked about child-like faith before and these young people demonstrate it every single day and I could not be more proud and I know God is too.
For those of you who have subscribed to this and are reading this via email, I think you will have to go to the actual blog to watch the video. You will also want to pause my music playing in the background too. You can do this by scrolling all the way to the bottom and pushing the pause button on the little music player thing.
Love you all!
Andrea
I am not going to lie, I cried like a baby when I heard it. It is so encouraging to me to see how these kids that Jason and I love so very much have reached out to us in their own way. We have received cards, scripture, letters, others have blogged about us on their own blogs, we received a video that one of the girls made for us, some of the boys shaved their heads, lots of hugs, one young man texts Jason at least twice a week to check on me (and he is only 15), and Nikki wrote a song for us. I know the list goes on and on.
I just want you all to know these things and be so encouraged at what this next generation is doing. Jason and I see it each and every day and if that doesn't give you hope, I don't know what will. I know I have talked about child-like faith before and these young people demonstrate it every single day and I could not be more proud and I know God is too.
For those of you who have subscribed to this and are reading this via email, I think you will have to go to the actual blog to watch the video. You will also want to pause my music playing in the background too. You can do this by scrolling all the way to the bottom and pushing the pause button on the little music player thing.
Love you all!
Andrea
Day 36: Chemo 3 (Prayers Please)
Today chemo started out fine but just as I was finishing up things went south. The $365/pill meds they put me on this time evidently ran out just after 3 hours. For those of you who are like me and always have to break things down that is $121.67/hour or $2.03 a minute.
I ended up getting sick there in the cancer center which was actually a good thing because I still had my i.v. in and so they quickly treated me with the "Cadillac" drug that they gave me last time and pumped me full of more fluids. This did help tremendously but now I am home and battling again. I am taking the meds that I have here at home in order to try to feel better. So, if you can pray that something, anything, works I would be grateful. And don't worry, if I don't feel better tomorrow, I will call the doctors office again. (I know there are a few of you nurses out there that are keeping tabs on me :-)
Despite the crummy end to my treatment, there were lots of good things that happened during my treatment. First, my nurse was a lady that I have known since I was like 7. She is an amazing Christian lady and it was really fun to reconnect with her. Plus, when I got sick, she took great care of me.
Also during my treatment, a couple came in. The man, I will refer to him as R. as I don't want to violate his privacy, looked like he wasn't feeling well at all. I guess he has been battling his cancer for 10 years now. His dear wife, J., was really having a hard time seeing her dear hubby struggle so much. I was in the corner in my chair most of the time but at one point got up for something and on my way back I couldn't help it any longer. This lady was hurting. So, I asked her if I could pray for her. She almost started crying and so did I but I got through it with God's leading. They didn't stay much longer as I think they took him over to the hospital. I will continue to pray for him.
I met a lot of other people today too. I had a few visitors come and see me which was very nice. The staff there is so great, I just have really enjoyed meeting all of them as well. They are some of the most caring people I have ever met. We are so blessed to have such a nice facility in our community.
Anyway, I am going to lay down again and see if I can't sleep this stuff off. I will check in with you all tomorrow.
I have some great things in the works for you guys. I don't want to give you too much information right now but I am really excited about what God is doing right now. I am hoping this will help to spread His word even farther. Take care all, and thanks for the prayers in advance.
I ended up getting sick there in the cancer center which was actually a good thing because I still had my i.v. in and so they quickly treated me with the "Cadillac" drug that they gave me last time and pumped me full of more fluids. This did help tremendously but now I am home and battling again. I am taking the meds that I have here at home in order to try to feel better. So, if you can pray that something, anything, works I would be grateful. And don't worry, if I don't feel better tomorrow, I will call the doctors office again. (I know there are a few of you nurses out there that are keeping tabs on me :-)
Despite the crummy end to my treatment, there were lots of good things that happened during my treatment. First, my nurse was a lady that I have known since I was like 7. She is an amazing Christian lady and it was really fun to reconnect with her. Plus, when I got sick, she took great care of me.
Also during my treatment, a couple came in. The man, I will refer to him as R. as I don't want to violate his privacy, looked like he wasn't feeling well at all. I guess he has been battling his cancer for 10 years now. His dear wife, J., was really having a hard time seeing her dear hubby struggle so much. I was in the corner in my chair most of the time but at one point got up for something and on my way back I couldn't help it any longer. This lady was hurting. So, I asked her if I could pray for her. She almost started crying and so did I but I got through it with God's leading. They didn't stay much longer as I think they took him over to the hospital. I will continue to pray for him.
I met a lot of other people today too. I had a few visitors come and see me which was very nice. The staff there is so great, I just have really enjoyed meeting all of them as well. They are some of the most caring people I have ever met. We are so blessed to have such a nice facility in our community.
Anyway, I am going to lay down again and see if I can't sleep this stuff off. I will check in with you all tomorrow.
I have some great things in the works for you guys. I don't want to give you too much information right now but I am really excited about what God is doing right now. I am hoping this will help to spread His word even farther. Take care all, and thanks for the prayers in advance.
Day 35: Determination
Tuesday, Kearyn was still really sick. I only got a couple of hours of sleep but the good news is that she finally cut one of her top teethe so hopefully things will get better.
My heart is doing better today on being more prepared for chemo. It feels like I still have a lot to do today to be prepared in every other way - laying out stuff for the kids to make things easier on Jason, etc. It is not that Jason isn't extremely capable, I just do better knowing that I have done what I can to at least contribute when I am down and out.
Reading scripture today I found this one and wanted to share:
But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, ~1 Peter 3:15
I really feel like this is what God has calling me to do during this whole process. I truly want people to see the joy in my heart that Jesus has put there and when they ask me about it my answer will be: Jesus.
My heart is doing better today on being more prepared for chemo. It feels like I still have a lot to do today to be prepared in every other way - laying out stuff for the kids to make things easier on Jason, etc. It is not that Jason isn't extremely capable, I just do better knowing that I have done what I can to at least contribute when I am down and out.
Reading scripture today I found this one and wanted to share:
But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, ~1 Peter 3:15
I really feel like this is what God has calling me to do during this whole process. I truly want people to see the joy in my heart that Jesus has put there and when they ask me about it my answer will be: Jesus.
Day 34: Heart Condition
Monday was a long day. Kearyn was really sick and it is just so hard to see your little ones not feel good. She would only sleep in my arms and I didn't mind at all but I really just wanted her to feel better. She got the cold that the boys had AND is teething all at the same time so it is not fun in her world.
I have really been struggling with the idea of my chemo this week. I just don't feel prepared. Yesterday I felt like I had a really bad attitude towards it and I have been asking God to change it. I asked God to change my heart and change my mind.
This is one area that I know I have changed a lot in my life. I use to pray that I wouldn't have to go through things because I think I was afraid I wasn't strong enough to go through it. And I was right. I wasn't. But that was because I was trying to stand on my own strength and not on God's. But now I know that I am going to have to go through it whether I want to or not and it is critical that I stand on God's strength and hand it all over to him. So now I just ask God to prepare my heart condition and my mind condition in order to get through it the way I need to.
I can already tell that He is working on me in this way. I am starting to feel a bit better about it. I am excited that it is my 3rd treatment. As that means that I am getting closer to the end. It is actually going by fairly fast for me and that is so surprising. Usually when you go through something like this it seems to go on and on with no end in sight. I can see God working in so many ways.
For now, I am going to keep praying for a prepared heart.
I have really been struggling with the idea of my chemo this week. I just don't feel prepared. Yesterday I felt like I had a really bad attitude towards it and I have been asking God to change it. I asked God to change my heart and change my mind.
This is one area that I know I have changed a lot in my life. I use to pray that I wouldn't have to go through things because I think I was afraid I wasn't strong enough to go through it. And I was right. I wasn't. But that was because I was trying to stand on my own strength and not on God's. But now I know that I am going to have to go through it whether I want to or not and it is critical that I stand on God's strength and hand it all over to him. So now I just ask God to prepare my heart condition and my mind condition in order to get through it the way I need to.
I can already tell that He is working on me in this way. I am starting to feel a bit better about it. I am excited that it is my 3rd treatment. As that means that I am getting closer to the end. It is actually going by fairly fast for me and that is so surprising. Usually when you go through something like this it seems to go on and on with no end in sight. I can see God working in so many ways.
For now, I am going to keep praying for a prepared heart.
Frugal Find
If you know me, you know I love all things frugal. Sometimes I go a little overboard and drive Jason crazy but he deals with me well. This particular frugal find he absolutely loved. It is a recipe for homemade Gatorade. He loves that stuff but I don't love the prices. So, I found this recipe. He is happy because he loves the stuff, I am happy because we save money. It is a win-win! :-) It is also really easy to make. Does that make it a win-win-win? I don't know.
Anyway, here is the recipe. Take it, make it, and enjoy!
1 Kool-aid Packet — Pick your favorite!
9 tbs. Sugar —
3/8 tsp Salt Substitute – You may be asking why? Because I asked this question myself - apparently it is because this is what provides the electrolyte thingy's that Gatorade is so famous for.
2 liters (approx) water –
Jason thought it was a great treat that I let him pick out all his own flavors at the store. Now if it were always that inexpensive to make him happy. :-)
You then take all the stuff home and put it together.
I warmed about a half a cup or so of water in a mug and mixed the sugar, salt substitute, and Kool-aid packet in there first as the warm water made it dissolve. (Great little homeschool lesson here if you are so inclined.) I then took that and poured it into a big pitcher and added the cold water to that. You stir and then you are done. You may have to adjust the salt and sugar slightly based upon which flavor you choose and your own personal taste but it will only be minor adjustments.
Enjoy!
Anyway, here is the recipe. Take it, make it, and enjoy!
1 Kool-aid Packet — Pick your favorite!
9 tbs. Sugar —
3/8 tsp Salt Substitute – You may be asking why? Because I asked this question myself - apparently it is because this is what provides the electrolyte thingy's that Gatorade is so famous for.
2 liters (approx) water –
Jason thought it was a great treat that I let him pick out all his own flavors at the store. Now if it were always that inexpensive to make him happy. :-)
You then take all the stuff home and put it together.
I warmed about a half a cup or so of water in a mug and mixed the sugar, salt substitute, and Kool-aid packet in there first as the warm water made it dissolve. (Great little homeschool lesson here if you are so inclined.) I then took that and poured it into a big pitcher and added the cold water to that. You stir and then you are done. You may have to adjust the salt and sugar slightly based upon which flavor you choose and your own personal taste but it will only be minor adjustments.
Enjoy!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Day 33: Friendship
Well Sunday, Day 33, was a very busy day for us. I went with Jason to youth group, which I haven't been able to go in ages. It was so nice to see all of the kids. It doesn't seem to matter how long I am away, things just fall right back into place whenever I go back. I love those "youf gwoop" kids as Ky and Creide affectionately call them.
It is so neat to see them growing in the Lord like they are. I know some of them have been really worried about me, so it was nice for them to see me in the flesh. Oh, while I was there, 4 of the boys shaved their heads for me. So sweet! And a couple of them were pretty attached to their lovely locks so it was a big sacrifice. The other two sport a shorter look already but it was still a very touching gesture and I love them all for it.
After that, we headed over to the worship night. It was really good. I did well all the way through it until my dear friend D. came over and gave me a hug and offered Jason and I communion. I pretty much lost it. She is a very special lady to us both (and especially to Baby Kearyn who has taken a liking to her) and she really just touched both of our hearts in a way that I can't even describe.
After that, we headed over to a fund raiser that my friend Sarah helped coordinate for me and another man here in town. His name is Steve and he desperately needs our prayers as well. It has been so amazing how God has worked through all of this. Evidently Steve and I were diagnosed at the same time. However, what Steve was diagnosed with was my worst fear. He has stage 4 Lymphoma. We went to a restaurant 2 days after my first treatment (which was crazy for us to even go because I did not feel well at all) and I saw his picture hanging up in the window with a little bio of what was going on. My heart just broke for him and his family. I remember telling Jason to look, that was what our situation could have been. I think I even blogged about it that night. Every since then I have been praying for him. When my friend Sarah said she was planning a fund raiser for Steve and wanted us to join as well, I just couldn't help but to realize that God had his hand on this whole situation as well. The last update that I received on Sunday was that Steve is in the hospital due to some complications from his chemo so please pray, pray, pray for Steve and his family.
We had a wonderful time a Domiano's. If you haven't dined there yet, you need to go. Anthony and Lisa are wonderful people and opened up their restaurant with open arms - literally, the first thing Lisa did was give me a hug when I arrived. Their food was amazing, that atmosphere is amazing, Jason and I definitely will be back for our next date night. :-)
Thank you to all who participated in the fundraiser. Thank you Sarah and Chris from the bottom of my heart for putting it all together and getting all of the silent auction donations. Sarah, I know you spent many hours away from that baby girl of yours to pour into us and it will never be forgotten.
Jason and I joked that by the time we got there after the concert it was like we had the restaurant all to ourselves with some of our very closest church family and friends. All of it was overwhelmingly wonderful. I also wanted to thank Randy and Wendy at Looney Bean. They donated so much stuff and on top of that came to the dinner to support us. We love you guys so much and if you are in Looney Bean, and you should be as often as you possibly can, tell them thank you for what they did for us.
So, on to what I wanted to write about tonight. I am hoping this isn't too long that it bores you but no guarantees.
One thing that God is really revealing to me during this process is my friendships. If you would have asked me 6 months ago, what was the one area I was weakest in my life, it would have been friendships. Not that I didn't have a lot of friends, it is just that I have always consumed myself with Jason and my children that I didn't feel like I am very good at maintaining them. I felt like I always fell short in doing what I needed to do to be a good friend. About six months ago I could really tell God was working on my heart in this area. It was like He was making me open up. I have always been a private person as I have shared before, but I know I have been through a lot of trial in my life. Each time I would go through something I felt like God would tell me, someday you are going to be able to help someone because you went through this. Finally, about 6 months ago, I felt like He was saying, okay, it's time - you need to start using the things you have gone through to help people now. Little did I know what He had planned.
In the past 6 months God has brought a lot of very lovely people into my life and He has also brought a lot of wonderful people from my past back into my life. I have started crossing paths with people I went to school with years ago and the list just goes on and on. So, here I am, fast forward to 6 months later, and I am surrounded by all of these wonderful friends. I can literally feel the love from so many of you. I know I have countless people praying for me everyday and it is the most wonderful feeling. I told Jason that I am going to be a walking testimony to the power of prayer.
But back to my point on friendships - I know God isn't done teaching me yet in this area. I do know that he has taught me a lot though in this area and I wanted to share these things with you.
It is so neat to see them growing in the Lord like they are. I know some of them have been really worried about me, so it was nice for them to see me in the flesh. Oh, while I was there, 4 of the boys shaved their heads for me. So sweet! And a couple of them were pretty attached to their lovely locks so it was a big sacrifice. The other two sport a shorter look already but it was still a very touching gesture and I love them all for it.
After that, we headed over to the worship night. It was really good. I did well all the way through it until my dear friend D. came over and gave me a hug and offered Jason and I communion. I pretty much lost it. She is a very special lady to us both (and especially to Baby Kearyn who has taken a liking to her) and she really just touched both of our hearts in a way that I can't even describe.
After that, we headed over to a fund raiser that my friend Sarah helped coordinate for me and another man here in town. His name is Steve and he desperately needs our prayers as well. It has been so amazing how God has worked through all of this. Evidently Steve and I were diagnosed at the same time. However, what Steve was diagnosed with was my worst fear. He has stage 4 Lymphoma. We went to a restaurant 2 days after my first treatment (which was crazy for us to even go because I did not feel well at all) and I saw his picture hanging up in the window with a little bio of what was going on. My heart just broke for him and his family. I remember telling Jason to look, that was what our situation could have been. I think I even blogged about it that night. Every since then I have been praying for him. When my friend Sarah said she was planning a fund raiser for Steve and wanted us to join as well, I just couldn't help but to realize that God had his hand on this whole situation as well. The last update that I received on Sunday was that Steve is in the hospital due to some complications from his chemo so please pray, pray, pray for Steve and his family.
We had a wonderful time a Domiano's. If you haven't dined there yet, you need to go. Anthony and Lisa are wonderful people and opened up their restaurant with open arms - literally, the first thing Lisa did was give me a hug when I arrived. Their food was amazing, that atmosphere is amazing, Jason and I definitely will be back for our next date night. :-)
Thank you to all who participated in the fundraiser. Thank you Sarah and Chris from the bottom of my heart for putting it all together and getting all of the silent auction donations. Sarah, I know you spent many hours away from that baby girl of yours to pour into us and it will never be forgotten.
Jason and I joked that by the time we got there after the concert it was like we had the restaurant all to ourselves with some of our very closest church family and friends. All of it was overwhelmingly wonderful. I also wanted to thank Randy and Wendy at Looney Bean. They donated so much stuff and on top of that came to the dinner to support us. We love you guys so much and if you are in Looney Bean, and you should be as often as you possibly can, tell them thank you for what they did for us.
So, on to what I wanted to write about tonight. I am hoping this isn't too long that it bores you but no guarantees.
One thing that God is really revealing to me during this process is my friendships. If you would have asked me 6 months ago, what was the one area I was weakest in my life, it would have been friendships. Not that I didn't have a lot of friends, it is just that I have always consumed myself with Jason and my children that I didn't feel like I am very good at maintaining them. I felt like I always fell short in doing what I needed to do to be a good friend. About six months ago I could really tell God was working on my heart in this area. It was like He was making me open up. I have always been a private person as I have shared before, but I know I have been through a lot of trial in my life. Each time I would go through something I felt like God would tell me, someday you are going to be able to help someone because you went through this. Finally, about 6 months ago, I felt like He was saying, okay, it's time - you need to start using the things you have gone through to help people now. Little did I know what He had planned.
In the past 6 months God has brought a lot of very lovely people into my life and He has also brought a lot of wonderful people from my past back into my life. I have started crossing paths with people I went to school with years ago and the list just goes on and on. So, here I am, fast forward to 6 months later, and I am surrounded by all of these wonderful friends. I can literally feel the love from so many of you. I know I have countless people praying for me everyday and it is the most wonderful feeling. I told Jason that I am going to be a walking testimony to the power of prayer.
But back to my point on friendships - I know God isn't done teaching me yet in this area. I do know that he has taught me a lot though in this area and I wanted to share these things with you.
- It isn't about the amount of time you spend with a friend, it is about the quality of the time you spend with that friend.
- A true friendship doesn't keep score.
- A true friendship can take off right where it leaves off no matter how long it is between conversations.
- You can be totally real and they will love you anyway.
- The difference between a deep and meaningful friendship and a superficial friendship is you.
- It is okay to tell your friends you love them and you need to do it often. Don't let words go unspoken as life is too short.
- True friends forgive.
- People can change if you let them.
- If there is a friendship there that needs mending - mend it. Again, life is too short and you never know, they just might need you more than you need them.
Like I said, I think God is just scratching the surface here with me on this subject. I am excited to revisit this topic at a future date(s) and I will continue to share what He is doing in this area of my life as well.
God bless you all. Thank you for you wonderful love and support. Oh, and thanks for your friendships. I couldn't do it without you.
A Mom's Worst Nightmare
I was browsing through some pictures recently for an article I am working on and I ran across this one. I literally cringed when I read it. This is definitely a mom's worst nightmare.
Another Song Close to My Heart..........MADAGASCAR 2 'BIG AND CHUNKY' VIDEO WITH LYRICS
This is a song that I have been meaning to share with you for a while as it is one that we often sing around our house. I finally just had to do it because randomly Ky broke out in song only he sings the line as "I like them FUNKY". It is so darn cute! For all of you who know Ky and his big blue eyes, imagine him singing "I like them big, I like them round, I like them funky....." and doing a little dance all the while. If that doesn't make you laugh, I don't know what will.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Days 31 & 32: Sickness
So, I am know I am a bit behind on my blogging. Sorry for that. I was joking yesterday with a friend that some of you would start sending me hate mail because I wasn't keeping up on things. LOL! Up until now, we have had 3 sick kids and a teething baby. Just when we thought we were on the mend, the baby is now sick and the boys all have coughs again. As these things usually go, they just end up passing it around the loop again. We are praying that isn't the case and that they can finally get well sooner than later.
Jason has avoided getting sick so far and although I have felt a few symptoms, I have avoided getting the full blown stuff the kids have gotten. Jason said if I don't get it - it would truly be a miracle. Let's pray for a miracle.
I am grateful for being able to feel better right now and have the energy to take care of my children. This is something I no longer take for granted. I love being able to be there for them, even to wipe their little noses. My baby girl has fallen asleep in my arms several times and I just can't put her down. I find myself sitting there staring at her with awe and wonder. God is so good. Of course, I haven't been getting everything done that I need to get done (hence the reason I am behind on my blogging) but that is okay. I feel like we are constantly watching the clock, constantly making check lists and when we get the first list done it is time to make the next check list. I have clearly realized that I don't want to live like that. I know we all have responsibilities but isn't our first responsibility to God. When I think of how many times I have shoved Him to the side or worse yet, I didn't acknowledge Him at all, because of some check list, it really sickens me.
I knew this journey would change me from the first moment I heard the word "cancer" uttered. But why does it have to take something life threatening to change us? I have heard so many people ask why this has had to happen to us and I can honestly say that I can't tell you why, only God can. But perhaps He was wanting me to move away from the "checklist" and closer to Him. Maybe He knew I needed to give myself permission to just sit and hold my baby girl and not worry about the thousand things I need to get done that day. I have found going through this that there is a whole new simplicity to life. I read and hear all the time that we need to rejoice in all the things that God has given us and I couldn't agree more. But how about the most basic one, how about life? How about each breath? Each heartbeat? How about the fact that we were even born?
There are so many bad things happening in the world right now, people really struggling, and sometimes it is hard to be thankful for our lives in those situations but I know if God wouldn't have given me life the world wouldn't be as good as it is now. I know this because I can look at my children and see it. I see the goodness He has put in each of their little hearts. I hear their love for God as they pray their little prayers that only make sense to God's ears. I feel it each time they give me a hug or fall asleep in my arms. I know it when I look at them as see the reflection of Christ.
So now I have a new checklist and there really is only one thing on it. Here it is below:
Jason has avoided getting sick so far and although I have felt a few symptoms, I have avoided getting the full blown stuff the kids have gotten. Jason said if I don't get it - it would truly be a miracle. Let's pray for a miracle.
I am grateful for being able to feel better right now and have the energy to take care of my children. This is something I no longer take for granted. I love being able to be there for them, even to wipe their little noses. My baby girl has fallen asleep in my arms several times and I just can't put her down. I find myself sitting there staring at her with awe and wonder. God is so good. Of course, I haven't been getting everything done that I need to get done (hence the reason I am behind on my blogging) but that is okay. I feel like we are constantly watching the clock, constantly making check lists and when we get the first list done it is time to make the next check list. I have clearly realized that I don't want to live like that. I know we all have responsibilities but isn't our first responsibility to God. When I think of how many times I have shoved Him to the side or worse yet, I didn't acknowledge Him at all, because of some check list, it really sickens me.
I knew this journey would change me from the first moment I heard the word "cancer" uttered. But why does it have to take something life threatening to change us? I have heard so many people ask why this has had to happen to us and I can honestly say that I can't tell you why, only God can. But perhaps He was wanting me to move away from the "checklist" and closer to Him. Maybe He knew I needed to give myself permission to just sit and hold my baby girl and not worry about the thousand things I need to get done that day. I have found going through this that there is a whole new simplicity to life. I read and hear all the time that we need to rejoice in all the things that God has given us and I couldn't agree more. But how about the most basic one, how about life? How about each breath? Each heartbeat? How about the fact that we were even born?
There are so many bad things happening in the world right now, people really struggling, and sometimes it is hard to be thankful for our lives in those situations but I know if God wouldn't have given me life the world wouldn't be as good as it is now. I know this because I can look at my children and see it. I see the goodness He has put in each of their little hearts. I hear their love for God as they pray their little prayers that only make sense to God's ears. I feel it each time they give me a hug or fall asleep in my arms. I know it when I look at them as see the reflection of Christ.
So now I have a new checklist and there really is only one thing on it. Here it is below:
Andrea's Checklist
1.) Serve God today.
That is my checklist and in all that I do or say, if it serves God, then I know I am okay. This can't be predetermined as God will present different assignments to me throughout the day. My job is to make the most of these assignments (even if it is wiping noses) and....you guessed it....serve God.
But be very careful to keep the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD gave you: to love the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to keep his commands, to hold fast to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.” ~ Joshua 22:5
I just marvel in how God works. We I started writing, I just thought I would be writing about how my kids have been sick.....
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Song for the Soul.........."Hope Now" by Addison Road
As I posted yesterday, music has always been incredibly important to me in my life. When I am down, it lifts me up. When I rejoice, it is there to help me do that to.
It has been on my heart for a while to share some of the songs that have touch my heart and why. The first one I wanted to start with is one I have loved for a very long time. If you were at church this last weekend you probably heard Erin sing this so beautifully for us. Erin, if you are reading this, you did such a wonderful job! It definitely brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart. Thank you for using the gift God has given you to bless us all so much.
The song is "Hope Now" by Addison Road. If you have never heard it before, or if you just love it like I do, take a minute to listen to it now.
I just love this song. Even before I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's, this song always touched my heart, but now...wow! I usually can't make it through the song without getting teared up.
Here are the lyrics:
(VERSE 1)
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours
(PRE-CHORUS)
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(VERSE 2)
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter my from the storm
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(PRE-CHORUS)
I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(CHORUS 2)
You've become my hearts desires
I will sing Your praises higher
Your love sets me free
(Your love sets me free)
Your love sets me free
(You love sets me free)
Your love sets me free
Just as the song says, how quickly we forget that we are God's and not our own. He has truly sheltered me from so many storms and is continuing to shelter me from this storm and His love truly has set me free. I could go on forever on how many ways this song touches my soul. How about you? Does this song touch yours? I would love to hear about it if it does. :-)
It has been on my heart for a while to share some of the songs that have touch my heart and why. The first one I wanted to start with is one I have loved for a very long time. If you were at church this last weekend you probably heard Erin sing this so beautifully for us. Erin, if you are reading this, you did such a wonderful job! It definitely brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart. Thank you for using the gift God has given you to bless us all so much.
The song is "Hope Now" by Addison Road. If you have never heard it before, or if you just love it like I do, take a minute to listen to it now.
I just love this song. Even before I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's, this song always touched my heart, but now...wow! I usually can't make it through the song without getting teared up.
Here are the lyrics:
(VERSE 1)
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours
(PRE-CHORUS)
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(VERSE 2)
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter my from the storm
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(PRE-CHORUS)
I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(CHORUS 2)
You've become my hearts desires
I will sing Your praises higher
Your love sets me free
(Your love sets me free)
Your love sets me free
(You love sets me free)
Your love sets me free
Just as the song says, how quickly we forget that we are God's and not our own. He has truly sheltered me from so many storms and is continuing to shelter me from this storm and His love truly has set me free. I could go on forever on how many ways this song touches my soul. How about you? Does this song touch yours? I would love to hear about it if it does. :-)
Friday, March 4, 2011
The Music
I love to listen to music. When I am at my lowest, I find that a certain song can lift my heart in a way that no words can. I am huge on the lyrics of a song. Many of you have commented about the music you hear playing when you read this blog. I actually robbed the idea from my friend, Jess Pollard, when I visited her blog.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that when you listen to the music on here, please know that I have hand picked each of the songs that play on here for a specific reason. God has spoken to me so much through these different songs (and many more) and it is my hope that He can speak to you through some of these songs as well.
Happy Listening! May you be blessed as God has blessed me through the sound of His worship.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that when you listen to the music on here, please know that I have hand picked each of the songs that play on here for a specific reason. God has spoken to me so much through these different songs (and many more) and it is my hope that He can speak to you through some of these songs as well.
Happy Listening! May you be blessed as God has blessed me through the sound of His worship.
Day 30: Reflection
So, I am a bit late posting this. Yesterday just seemed to be really busy and by the time I sat down to write this it was late and I figured no one would read it until this morning anyway.... so you will just have to forgive me for posting late.
Anyway, it is so hard to believe that it has been 30 days since all of this began. In some ways, just like a marriage, it seems like it has flown by and in other ways it seems to have been a whole lifetime ago. Of course I would not be referencing my own marriage in this analogy. ;-) (Just giving the hubby a hard time.) I adore him more each and every second I have the privilege of sharing my life with him.
Back to the point at hand.... I really wanted to use this post as a reflection of what the last month has entailed for me. For those of you who are just reading for the first time here is what has happened in a nutshell:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; ~ Proverbs 3:5
Anyway, it is so hard to believe that it has been 30 days since all of this began. In some ways, just like a marriage, it seems like it has flown by and in other ways it seems to have been a whole lifetime ago. Of course I would not be referencing my own marriage in this analogy. ;-) (Just giving the hubby a hard time.) I adore him more each and every second I have the privilege of sharing my life with him.
Back to the point at hand.... I really wanted to use this post as a reflection of what the last month has entailed for me. For those of you who are just reading for the first time here is what has happened in a nutshell:
God has changed my life.
That is it - in one sentence. You see, it is much less important to me to express through what I have endured to go through the changes God is making in me as I think when I focus on those things I have the tendency to let those things define me. My focus is totally and completely on what HE IS doing. He IS changing my life and I am doing my best to embrace it every step of the way.
Here are the ways that He has totally and completely changed my life and my family's as well.
1.) I have experienced the greatest and most complete PEACE that I have ever experienced in my life.
It is beyond all understanding to even myself who is experiencing it. I have a peace from the most basic thing to the biggest things. I have a huge peace with the treatment plan that He has laid before me and the medical staff He has blessed me with. He provides an everyday peace to help me get through whatever physical or mental obstacles I may have. I absolutely cherish this peace and am so thankful for it as I could not imagine waking through this with fear or bitterness of any kind each and every day of this long road ahead of me.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. ~John 14:27
2.) He has been ever so FAITHFUL.
There was a time where we did not know what the future would hold , and we still don't really, but God has been faithful every step of the way in order to, once again, give us the peace we need to walk each day out as needed. When we didn't know what type of Lymphoma I had for sure and didn't know how far it had spread throughout my body - we were very fearful that I would not see my baby girl's first birthday.I was terrified that I would not see my boys grow up and leave them here on this Earth without a mother. God has been so faithful in continually reminding us of his promise and sparing me of a future that didn't look so bright.
God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. ~ 1 Cor 1:9
3.) He has given us HOPE.
He has given me so much hope along the way. The hope that I will indeed be here to raise my children. I will indeed be here to grow old with my husband. I will indeed be here to continue to have relationships with the family and friends I cherish so much. He has placed this hope so clearly in my heart and I rejoice in it. When I think of it something wells up inside of me and I feel like I am going to explode with excitement for I have hope for a future.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
4.) He has allowed us to SURRENDER it all to Him.
How comforting does that even sound - "Surrendering it all to Him". He wants our burdens but so often we don't give them to Him. Why? Why do we want to hold onto such things that tear us down and make our walk so much heavier. He is there, he is willing, all we have to do is give it over and how often is it that we don't. I can tell you that I would not be able to walk one step of the journey on my own without His strength. People tell me all of the time how I am so strong. I have news for everyone and I am announcing it here, publicly for all to read- I am weak. I am frail. I am powerless. I am broken. It is only through Jesus Christ that I am able to get through one single second of this. He so graciously allowed me to give this all over to Him and I did.
5.) He has allowed us to SHARE our journey with others.
One of things that has kept me going through this journey is to continually strive to glorify God throughout everything. As I said above, I would not make it one second on my own. It is only because of God that I am able to get through any of this. The fact that I have been able to share that with others has been huge for me. It is my heart that others experience God's love in the way that I have. I am humbled that He has given me the opportunity to share with you all in such a candid and real manner. You all, in turn, have blessed me greatly by your continued pray, support, and love. It has truly been amazing to watch the body of Christ work. You all have been such blessings to us and we want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly. ~Psalm 40:10
I could literally write for hours on all that God has and is doing in our lives right now in order to change us and I know for every one thing I realize that He is doing, there are probably hundreds more that I don't have a clue about. I can tell you that even though it isn't an easy journey that I am excited to see what the end result will look like. I know that this has changed me so drastically that I will never be the same - nor would I want to. As a friend of mine so eloquently put it - there is a life before cancer and a life after cancer and through the process God is creating a new life in me.
I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly. ~Psalm 40:10
I could literally write for hours on all that God has and is doing in our lives right now in order to change us and I know for every one thing I realize that He is doing, there are probably hundreds more that I don't have a clue about. I can tell you that even though it isn't an easy journey that I am excited to see what the end result will look like. I know that this has changed me so drastically that I will never be the same - nor would I want to. As a friend of mine so eloquently put it - there is a life before cancer and a life after cancer and through the process God is creating a new life in me.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Fundraiser
Hi Everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know that a dear friend of mine has graciously set up a fundraiser for us along with another man in the community that was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma. I have had some friends asking for the specifics on this event and so I just wanted to give you all the details.
What: They are calling it a "Spaghetti Western". There is $20 charge for all you can eat salad, pasta, and non-alcoholic beverage along with a silent auction.
When: Sunday, March 6, 2011 from 6pm until whenever people stop coming.
Where: Domiano's on Main St.
There is also the "Night of Worship" going on the same night at our church which we will be attending as a family and then we will head over to the dinner. The worship event tarts at 6pm as well and the price of admission are 2 non-perishable food items. We would love to see you at either location and thank you so much for support.
Many Blessings,
Andrea
What: They are calling it a "Spaghetti Western". There is $20 charge for all you can eat salad, pasta, and non-alcoholic beverage along with a silent auction.
When: Sunday, March 6, 2011 from 6pm until whenever people stop coming.
Where: Domiano's on Main St.
There is also the "Night of Worship" going on the same night at our church which we will be attending as a family and then we will head over to the dinner. The worship event tarts at 6pm as well and the price of admission are 2 non-perishable food items. We would love to see you at either location and thank you so much for support.
Many Blessings,
Andrea
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Day 29: Encouraged
I am a little bit late in posting this tonight. I have been busy writing about a bazillion other things today. This is the first time I have really felt like writing in several days and it was good to get back into it.
I had a doctors appointment today, like every Wednesday, and several things happened that just left me so encouraged. While in with the doctor I made a comment that I was really hoping that I was 1/4 of the way done with my treatments (in the case that I would only need 8 treatments) and he replied by saying that was the way he was leaning as well. Now, this isn't a concrete statement and I will still have to wait another month to have my scan to really find out what the story is but I just left feeling so very encouraged. I have been praying about this very thing for several days now and I just felt God used that moment today to really confirm to me that I was on the right track in my thinking. These are the times when that Christian hope and faith kick in. Believing in something that you can't see and having a certainty about it that only God can give. Even now when I write about it I just want to jump up and down.
If I only have to have the 8 treatments, I would get done two weeks before my baby girl's first birthday. If I have to go the 12 treatments, I will have my last treatment the day after my 32nd birthday. It was so funny because just yesterday my oldest asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told him, "not to have cancer anymore." At this moment I am truly overwhelmed with emotion at the thought of that. What a great birthday present that would be for both Kearyn and I! Yes, you will all be invited to come and rejoice with us!
The other encouraging thing was that my blood testing stuff all looked good as well. I don't know all of the technical terms yet but they said they looked really good and that is good enough for me. With me being sick the last couple of days I was kind of worried about that.
The last piece that I wanted to share with you was not encouraging. It was actually very humbling. There was a man in the waiting room and I struck up a conversation with him briefly as we both waited to go our respective ways. I asked him how long he had been having treatment for and he responded since 2004. My heart sank for him. 7 years of treatment.....it made me so embarrassed that I have even complained one bit about this whole process. I will have to have treatment for a fraction of the time compared to him yet here he was still pressing on knowing that there is still a lot worth living for here on this Earth. I pray that if I were faced with such adversity that I would be able to press on as that man has. I don't know if he was a believer or not, we didn't get that far into our conversation before he was called away, but I have to believe that there was an inner strength that was responsible for it all that only God could provide, whether the man realized it or not. May we all find that inner strength.
I have been overwhelmed once again by God's love for me. Every time I have gone to the doctors office he has set someone in my path to encourage me or motivate me in just the way I needed that day. It has been so amazing to walk this journey with God right there with me every step of the way and when I stumble he is there to help me up once again.
I just feel very compelled by the Lord to write this next part. I have been blogging about this journey in my life one day shy of a month now and there have been over 4,600 visits to this blog from 8 different countries. I know God is doing a mighty work through what is going on in my life right now and it is only because of His glory that I am able to do any of this. If it were up to my own strength I wouldn't have made it past day 1. He gives me the words and the inspiration to write every single post on here. I know out of that many people visiting there is someone out there that doesn't have a relationship with Christ and desperately needs it. As I am writing this the tears are literally streaming down my face as I just feel God so deliberately pressing this upon my heart. If anyone out there has not given their life to Christ or needs to recommit their life to Christ, do so today. Do it this second. I can tell you first hand that we do not know what the future holds.We don't know if we have 20 more years to live or 20 more minutes and there is no reason to live a minute longer without your Heavenly Father by your side. I cannot promise you life will be easy as a follower of Christ, you can see what my family and I are going through right now. But it is His strength that gets us through and it is because of Him and Him alone that I will be here to watch my children grow up.
I know there are a lot of you out there that have asked why this has happened to us. Some of you are even angry. Don't question, don't be angry. Just believe. We do and I don't regret any of this. Yes, it is hard and I don't like being sick but I do like seeing God change lives and I know He is doing that here.
If you have given your life recently or know of someone who has, I would love to pray for you or them. You can always contact me by emailing me at andreagressman@gmail.com If you know of someone who needs to hear this message, please don't hesitate to forward this onto them. God is good all the time and it is my heart to glorify Him through all of this and show others the love that He has shown me every step of the way. God bless you all.
In Christ,
Andrea
I had a doctors appointment today, like every Wednesday, and several things happened that just left me so encouraged. While in with the doctor I made a comment that I was really hoping that I was 1/4 of the way done with my treatments (in the case that I would only need 8 treatments) and he replied by saying that was the way he was leaning as well. Now, this isn't a concrete statement and I will still have to wait another month to have my scan to really find out what the story is but I just left feeling so very encouraged. I have been praying about this very thing for several days now and I just felt God used that moment today to really confirm to me that I was on the right track in my thinking. These are the times when that Christian hope and faith kick in. Believing in something that you can't see and having a certainty about it that only God can give. Even now when I write about it I just want to jump up and down.
If I only have to have the 8 treatments, I would get done two weeks before my baby girl's first birthday. If I have to go the 12 treatments, I will have my last treatment the day after my 32nd birthday. It was so funny because just yesterday my oldest asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told him, "not to have cancer anymore." At this moment I am truly overwhelmed with emotion at the thought of that. What a great birthday present that would be for both Kearyn and I! Yes, you will all be invited to come and rejoice with us!
The other encouraging thing was that my blood testing stuff all looked good as well. I don't know all of the technical terms yet but they said they looked really good and that is good enough for me. With me being sick the last couple of days I was kind of worried about that.
The last piece that I wanted to share with you was not encouraging. It was actually very humbling. There was a man in the waiting room and I struck up a conversation with him briefly as we both waited to go our respective ways. I asked him how long he had been having treatment for and he responded since 2004. My heart sank for him. 7 years of treatment.....it made me so embarrassed that I have even complained one bit about this whole process. I will have to have treatment for a fraction of the time compared to him yet here he was still pressing on knowing that there is still a lot worth living for here on this Earth. I pray that if I were faced with such adversity that I would be able to press on as that man has. I don't know if he was a believer or not, we didn't get that far into our conversation before he was called away, but I have to believe that there was an inner strength that was responsible for it all that only God could provide, whether the man realized it or not. May we all find that inner strength.
I have been overwhelmed once again by God's love for me. Every time I have gone to the doctors office he has set someone in my path to encourage me or motivate me in just the way I needed that day. It has been so amazing to walk this journey with God right there with me every step of the way and when I stumble he is there to help me up once again.
I just feel very compelled by the Lord to write this next part. I have been blogging about this journey in my life one day shy of a month now and there have been over 4,600 visits to this blog from 8 different countries. I know God is doing a mighty work through what is going on in my life right now and it is only because of His glory that I am able to do any of this. If it were up to my own strength I wouldn't have made it past day 1. He gives me the words and the inspiration to write every single post on here. I know out of that many people visiting there is someone out there that doesn't have a relationship with Christ and desperately needs it. As I am writing this the tears are literally streaming down my face as I just feel God so deliberately pressing this upon my heart. If anyone out there has not given their life to Christ or needs to recommit their life to Christ, do so today. Do it this second. I can tell you first hand that we do not know what the future holds.We don't know if we have 20 more years to live or 20 more minutes and there is no reason to live a minute longer without your Heavenly Father by your side. I cannot promise you life will be easy as a follower of Christ, you can see what my family and I are going through right now. But it is His strength that gets us through and it is because of Him and Him alone that I will be here to watch my children grow up.
I know there are a lot of you out there that have asked why this has happened to us. Some of you are even angry. Don't question, don't be angry. Just believe. We do and I don't regret any of this. Yes, it is hard and I don't like being sick but I do like seeing God change lives and I know He is doing that here.
If you have given your life recently or know of someone who has, I would love to pray for you or them. You can always contact me by emailing me at andreagressman@gmail.com If you know of someone who needs to hear this message, please don't hesitate to forward this onto them. God is good all the time and it is my heart to glorify Him through all of this and show others the love that He has shown me every step of the way. God bless you all.
In Christ,
Andrea
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Day 28: The Image
This morning I woke up and felt like the cold I was battling yesterday had gotten worse. This was very disappointing to me as I feel like it is robbing me of my "good days" before my next chemo treatment. Jason gave me some, what I thought was Dayquil, which actually was Nyquil. I was sure glad my sister and brother-in-law were here because if I even sniff a Nyquil bottle I am out like a light.
My sister took great care of the baby and my brother-in-law, well, he got stuck with the boys. I always feel bad because they love him dearly and like to climb all over him. But he is patient with them and I appreciate that.
As I started to write this I thought to myself, I really don't have anything to write about. This is amazing in itself because I always have something to write about but for whatever the reason, I just didn't feel like I had anything worthy to say tonight. Then I started thinking about my day and I realized that maybe I don't have something to say, but God does......
I thought about how another dear friend of mine came over today and we always have a great discussion about God. I always learn so much from her and today was no different. We were talking about what I have gone through so far and I mentioned that one of the first images that God brought to my mind when this all started was the crucifixion of Jesus. I literally could see him being beaten and battered, his blood spilling, the crown of thorns being pressed upon his head, and then Jesus himself carrying his own cross as he staggered towards calvary. I could see it all so vividly as if I were there. As I think of it now I cannot help but to cry. He did nothing wrong, he lived a perfect life, and out of love he went through this for us.
When I told her of this image, she just smiled at me. She said yes, that makes total sense for God to show me that one because He was saying that He could understand my pain. He could understand what I was going to have to go through. He too had suffered. Tonight as I cry out to Him and tell him that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired He can say with love that He understands my pain and that it is going to be okay and I believe him.
I don't know if this helps anyone out there but it certainly helped me to place myself back in the loving arms of my Father in Heaven. When times get tough it is so easy to try to separate ourselves from Him and just feel sorry for ourselves but that isn't what He wants. He wants us to cling to Him.
Prayer Request:
If you could pray for my health to be restored as well as the health of my children I would really appreciate it.
Praise Report:
The little girl that I had requested prayer for earlier has received a clean bill of health. Nothing at all is wrong with her, praise God!!!
Thank you all for continuing to read this, even on my "not-so-good days". Love you all!
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