I am Keeping a Secret....

I have a secret.
No.
I'm not pregnant.
I know someone out there went there.
Yeah, you know who you are.
(Jason, you can start breathing again. :-)

Anyway....
I have a secret and I want to tell you so badly.
But I can't.
Not yet.
But soon.

I am so excited about this new adventure in my life.
It may not be that exciting to some but to me...
Well, it is a pretty big deal.
I have been planning this for over a year.
Probably longer if I really thought about it as the past 2 years have been kind of a blur.

But, I just wanted to plant this little seed...
And because I am just so excited... I wanted to share my excitement.
Even though I can't tell you what it is.
Yet.
:-)

So, keep checking back.
Oh, my blog has been banned from Facebook again.
For the SECOND time.

Evidently, my blog posts are just too hard core for the average person on Facebook to take.
I know, I know.
I need to tone it down.
But what can you do...

Anyway, if you want to keep up...
and if you were following my blog through Facebook...
you will have to pick a different method.

You can follow by email - look to the right over there (but don't forget to confirm - lots of people enter their email address and then don't confirm so it just sits there inactivated. How sad. :-(
-or- you can hit the little follow button. :-)

Anywhooo.......
Happy Wednesday!

Oh, because I feel kind of bad about not telling you my secret yet, I posted this super cute photo of my boy to enjoy. Love this little man! This is a sneak peek of my next post. :-)

Why I Believe in God - A Miracle

Periodically I am asked why I believe it God.
Sometimes this question comes from people that are searching for their own beliefs.
Sometimes this questions comes from people who are steadfast in their belief that there is no God.
Regardless of who is asking the question, I always have the same answer.

How can I not?

For what God has done in my life there is no way that I cannot believe in Him.
And that is just me personally.
That does not even come close to describing what I have seen Him do in other lives.

Sure I face criticism for my beliefs.
I had someone tell me that it was natural for me to believe what I do when I have gone through something like I have (meaning the cancer) because it is the human tendency to try to cling to something that could possibly give me the outcome that I desired.
Um... okay...
One important note though - I believed in God before I was diagnosed too....

Anyway, I am not here to debate my belief.
People are entitled to their beliefs just as I am entitled to mine.
But I do want to share one of the many many ways I have seen God in my life.

Jason and I have actually had people ask us, even our Christian friends, how we can believe in Jesus after what we have gone through... the cancer... the multiple miscarriages... and other things that we won't get into.

Again, our answer... how can we not?

One way I saw God's provisions... God's miracle... was actually through my cancer.

What some of you may not know is that I found my first cancer symptom when my daughter was just 2 weeks old.
It was not there before and then suddenly the day she was 2 weeks old I found what I would later learn was a tumor in my neck.

Why is this a miracle?
Some people may say it is the opposite....

Because I didn't find that tumor during my pregnancy.
Can you even fathom the timing of it all?
I STILL struggle with the magnitude of how powerful this is in my life.

I am pregnant with my daughter.
A pregnancy that I white knuckled the entire time because of the loss of our son the year before...
But I am able to go through my entire pregnancy with the cancer growing in my body and still deliver this healthy baby girl.
Then 2 weeks later I find my first cancer symptom.

I see women all of the time that have been diagnosed with cancer during their pregnancies and then have to make those critical decisions.
I was actually there once myself but that is a story for another blog post.
But I cannot imagine having to make those decisions being pregnant with her after we had endured such a loss just one year, one month, and ten days before she was born.
I know God knew that I could not take that.
And he spared me from it.

I am also grateful that he allowed me to carry her full-term and that she was perfectly healthy despite the cancer growing inside me at the very same time.
A miracle.
My miracle.
One of many.

But God is not a God of just miracles.
He is a God of the everyday things.
Each day I walk it out with Him and each day I know how lost I would be without Him.
And I am grateful.
Grateful for it all.

I know that this may not seem like a big deal to some but it is a huge deal to me.
And to my last breath on this earth I will rejoice for the gifts that He has given me.
2 weeks.
He gave me 2 weeks.
And it made all the difference for this mamma.
And one very special baby girl.

My Compulsion: {Editing} (I Know, Crazy Right?)

So, I kind of feel like writing tonight.
For fun.
Not for work.
I end up writing around 5,000 words day right now for my work and so it is such a release for me to be able to come on here and just write.
And not edit.
Well, okay, edit a little.
Who am I kidding?
I edit almost everything.
Including the marquee signs as I am driving by.
I can just see it now....

Officer: Ma'am, can you tell me again why you hit the tree?
Me: Well Sir, they used the wrong from of "their". They said "there" and they needed to use "their". I mean, [insert nervous laugh] who does that?
Officer: Well, THERE you go. Your ticket for careless driving and a $250 fine.
That would not be awesome.

Oh.
But I never edit emails from my friends. ;-)
Or Facebook messages.
Or Facebook posts for that matter.
Or my blog comments.
Or texts.
(I was on my way to never getting another email or any other form of communication from my friends again there for a second.)
Whew. That was close.

However, I am one of those freaky people that capitalize correctly AND uses correct punctuation when I am texting.
And I did it before my phone did it for me and if my phone messes up now I will go back and fix it before I send it.
Don't judge me.

Okay, I. Am. Hopeless....

Some of you may be wondering if I am so edit crazy why do I write in fragment sentences all the time.
Well.
That is my way of rebelling against my editing compulsion I guess.
I know.
Such a rebel.

The funniest thing is when I go back and re-read my chemo posts.
I will be like, wow, someone needed to spell check.
Or, how many commas can you miss in one paragraph?
It doesn't matter that I am talking about the fact that I feel like I am going to die or that I was in a chemo induced coma.
No excuses, right?

So, what are you compulsive about?
Oh, and I promise, I won't edit your comments. ;-)

Thanks for reading and giving me a little release tonight.
Now you know my secret shame.

{37 Pounds Down}

This is something I have not shared on.
Not sure why.
Just seems like it was one more thing I was battling.
And it seemed like a long time before I could see the hope of victory.
Not sure if that makes sense or not.

Finally, I had to let down my perfectionistic ways (no, that is not a word - I made it up).
And realize that just because I hadn't met my goal 100% does not mean that I have not experienced a victory in this area.
That it was still and achievement that should be celebrated.
And maybe, just maybe, it might inspire someone else.
You know I am all about that.

Enough rambling.

So, since I have finished my cancer treatment, I have now lost 37 pounds.
I am pretty excited about that fact.
I have had a number of people ask how I did it.

The answer.
Old fashioned diet and exercise.
More diet than exercise at this point because until the last couple of months I struggled so immensely with my energy level.
When I struggled to just make my kids breakfast there was no way I was going to have the energy to take a walk.
I know that sounds extreme but that was where I was at.

I also have the added bonus of no longer being in treatment.
No longer being pumped full of steroids - that is always a perk to anyone's weight loss plan right there.

Now I am not bashing the other diet and nutrition plans out there.
I have many friends that have used a variety of those and have had a great deal of success.
In my opinion, you need to use what works as long as it is nutritionally sound.

For me, our budget was a huge obstacle.
With as much as we owe in medical bills I just could not afford many of those options.
However, I cannot afford to be unhealthy either.
So, I had to work something out.

Here I am, 37 pounds lighter and pretty happy about that.

I will share some other helpful tips I found a long the way.
But today, I just wanted to take a moment and celebrate this achievement.

Are you on a weight loss journey?
Do you want to be on a weight loss journey?
Join me in mine!

What's Next for {Our} Family?

Yesterday we made our announcement "blog official".
And I didn't realize I would leave so many people hanging about our future plans.
Sorry about that. :-)
It was just a lot to get through that blog alone.

But here we are.
Switching gears.
Again, the bitter/sweet.

For a year or so now we have felt God tugging at our hearts to possibly plant a new church.
We prayed, prayed, and prayed some more because this is something way beyond anything we ever thought we would do.
Jason was pretty clear that he didn't feel like God was asking us to move to another state.
But maybe another town.

We literally started praying over town after town.
It was a pretty awesome process actually.
There were towns I felt okay about.
And towns that J felt okay about.
But there were only two that we both felt good about.
So, we prayed some more.
Then some things happened this summer and we thought everything was going to be put on hold for longer than what we expected.
But a couple of months back God really started pressing on our hearts again.
And eventually it became clear that this was a leap of faith that we needed to take.

So, we were down between the two different towns.
One is only about 10 minutes away from our home.
(Closer than the church we go to now, which is 30 minutes away.)
The other would be about an hour and would require us to move.
We were okay with either.

Finally, God faithfully gave us the exact confirmation that we needed to know this was the right decision.
But, here was our big plan...

We feel like God is calling us to plant a church.
And we have it narrowed down between two towns.

Yeah, that's all we had.
But we knew we had to be obedient to this.
God has already got us through so much.
We knew he would get us through this as well.

So, we took the leap of faith and J turned in his resignation.
That was a Tuesday.
Our prayer - close the doors that we aren't supposed to go through and open the one that we are.
Pretty simple right. ;-)

Two days later he received a call from a pastor.
He actually lives in one of the towns that we were considering.
And it was the town that we only live 10 minutes away from so we wouldn't have to move.

So, after J's conversation with this pastor over the phone it was left that if we wanted to start a church in this particular town he would consider letting us use his church on Saturday evenings to do so.
(Keep in mind, we had never met this pastor before.)

Wow.
A building.

So, we met with him and J laid out his ministry vision.
And he loved it.
The funny thing is that we were really freaked out because everything was going so fast.
We just honestly did not expect everything to fall into place like it was.
And that is when the pastor told us...
He had been praying for 9 years for God to bring him the right people to start this church.

Wow.
The answer to our own prayer was also the answer to someone else's prayer.
And he had been praying for a lot longer then we had.

So, we went and prayed some more.
J went on his shoot and it was so amazing because he planned this shoot like 7 or 8 months ago and it could not have come at a more perfect time.

He was able to have fun, get away, relax, and unwind.
Just what he needed.
When he came home he felt like taking this new church offer was indeed what God wanted him to do.

We have spent a great deal of time praying about what our ministry would look like if we were to ever get there.
So, J shared all of our own ideas that we have been praying about even before we realized that this call on our lives was going to be sooner than later.
And the pastor loved them - all.

Wow.
So much support.
So much encouragement.
We are in awe and overwhelmed by what God has done.

The craziest part -
My hubby is going to start as the senior pastor at this new church in 11 days.
That's right - November 17th at 6pm.

And we are just having so much fun with this.
We really are.

We will be at Grace until the end of the year.
So, J will do his normal duties at Grace and then just the Saturday night service until we are finished up there.

Then we will be off and running at the new church. :-)
And once the congregation is big enough we will branch out and find our own building and be able to offer a Sunday service.

So, that is the plan right now.
We would love your prayers as we go through this transition.
Both our roles will be changing significantly but we know God will work it all out.
Look at how much he has already done in 3 weeks!

Blessings to you all.
Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement and just the tremendous amount of love and support you have provided our family throughout it all.
We couldn't have done it without you.

Now, back to the election.

Making it Blog Official - {We are Leaving Grace} -

Well, I haven't blogged in a while and I hate to start off with an announcement like this but it is time to make it "blog official". It was announced at church this past weekend so I felt it was appropriate that I finally talk about it on here.

But you read it right, we are leaving Grace - our home church of almost 7 years, and where my husband has served as youth pastor for over 4 years. I also worked there for over 3 years, until I was diagnosed with cancer. So, we have lots and lots of deep, deep relationships there.

This has not been an easy decision by any means. We have been praying about this for almost a year now. About 9 months ago Jason started seeking counsel form a number of his mentors. They began to lay down a path of confirmation. However, it took many more months for us to see the full plan that God has laid out before us and receive the final confirmation that we needed to know exactly what we were called to do.

There were many difficult parts to this equation but one of them was that I was still so sick for the first half of this year. It was hard to imagine that we were being called in another direction when I felt so lousy all of the time. But God's timing is perfect and I felt like he gave us just enough time to get my feet under me so that I can be the helpmate my husband needs in this next stage of ministry.

Still, even though we knew in our hearts God was calling us to another ministry and I had started feeling better, this was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do. We have so many cherished relationships and even though we plan on carrying those with us wherever we go, it is still going to change things and change is often a scary thing.

Telling our youth group kids was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do in our lives. We love them dearly and as we watched tears stream down many of their faces it literally broke our hearts.

Anyway, I am very relieved now to have all of the "telling" done. It is hard to see disappointment on peoples faces over and over again. Even though they respect our decision and they are happy because we are listening to what God has called us to do, there is still sadness.

It is all just bitter/sweet.

So, if you are one of the ones that felt the bitter/sweet for us, know that we love you. We appreciate your support more than you will ever know. We will do our very best to keep in touch and we just want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being who you are in our lives. (Even if you are one who may not know us well and just read my blog, I still appreciate you greatly.) We would not have the cherished memories that we do without you. Blessings to you all.

The Gressman Family

P.S. I will share more about what exactly God has called to do here very soon. :-)

[five] years of creide + a letter to my [boy]

Two and a half weeks ago, on September 11th, our little Creide turned the [big 5].
Can you believe it?
Where does the time go?

This little man is super special.
I love his little heart so much.
His care for others.
His constant encouragement.
His joy for life.
His ability to make you laugh - constantly.

I will share more about his actual birthday day soon.
But for now I wanted to share some photos.
[five] years of having this little man in our lives.
[five] years of this joy.
Looking at them makes my heart swell with love.
But also brings a tear to my eye.

I will so miss my little Creide.
My Creidey-Bear.
My baby boy.

But I have joy in the Creide I have today.
I will do my best to soak up each day like a ray of sunshine.
My mama moments.

  

  

 

Despite how this may look - he DOES have a diaper on. :-)

        

  

\

~My Dearest Creide~

You are loved more than you will ever know.
You fill my heart with such joy every day.
Your sweet smile and fun loving spirit bring such a brightness to this world.
A brightness that this world so desperately needs.

You were born on such a special day.
September 11th.
And on that day you brought hope.
Each day since then you have lived that out.

I would not be surprised one bit if this becomes the theme of your life.
Bringing hope to those who need it most.
I can't wait to watch from the sidelines.
I will be your biggest fan.
[Okay, maybe I will share with your daddy.]
And I will cheer you on every step of the way.

You constantly make me laugh.
The things you say.
The things you do.
They belong only to you for you are truly one of a kind.

I love how you still enjoy cuddling with your mama.
Please don't grow out of that too quickly.
I remember when I was sick from my chemo and I would be sleeping -
I would wake up to you in my arms.

You were "quiet like a ninja" and would sneak in to cuddle with me.
You will never know how much that fueled my soul to keep fighting on.

I know my time with you is such a precious gift.
And when you read this on your own someday.
I hope.
- No matter what -
That you can look back on these growing up years.
And feel only love.

Keep on keeping on my little Creide.
The world needs more of you.

With all my love,
Your Mama

What is Love?

I was recently on StumbleUpon - another little internet addiction I am developing.
I saw this post where some experts asked little ones to define what love is.
Here are some of my favorite answers:

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." ~ Terri - age 4 

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."  ~ Danny - age 7 

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."  ~Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." 

~ Nikka - age 6 

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." ~ Tommy - age 6  

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." ~ Elaine - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." ~ Chris - age 7 

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." ~ Mark - age 6 

[sorry, this might be TMI but it made me laugh so I had to share.]

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." ~ Jessica - age 8 

What a beautiful pictures these little ones create. 

It is my hearts desire to create the same picture for my own children. 

I am determined that they know how much they are loved and how much their father is loved.

That is why I started this blog. 

That is why I continued as regularly as I could when I was going through treatment. 

I didn't know what was going to happen. 

I couldn't predict the future. 

But I could do something about today.

And I could leave bits and pieces of me. 

Bits and pieces of my love for them to find later on. 

Life is so precious my friends. 

I cannot remember for the life of me where I heard it. 

If you know maybe you can give me a shout so I can update this. 

But the other day I heard something along the lines of:

{It is a privileged to be able to grow old with someone.}

I could not agree more.

Yet so many of us take this for granted.

One final story from this same site:

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. 

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. 

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. 

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 

"Nothing, I just helped him cry." 

To read the full article go to: "What Does Love Mean?" See How 4-8 Year-Old Kids Describe Love"

{Photo of the Day}: Flower Series [no.1]

I have a slight obsession with taking photos of flowers.
And food.
Weird.

Anyway, I have been snapping away all summer and I wanted to share some of them with you.
This is my feeble at hanging onto summer.

Which one is your favorite?

 

{She Makes Me Smile}

I take LOTS of photos of my children.
Probably 90% of them never make it on here because I simply do not have time to post them all.
And, you probably wouldn't want to look at that many photos anyway.

Anyway, as I take their photos you never really know what you are going to get.
Sometimes you think they will turn out great to find that something funky happened at the exact same moment that you took the photo.
Then there are times that you are thoroughly surprised when you finally get to look at them.
It is like a little extra present.

This was one of those times.
I shared with you some of our Ouray pictures and then promised more.
These are of my sweet girl, Kearyn.
She just has this way of making me smile.

This day she had such a great smile on her face.
So bright.
So happy.
I just love these photos.

                        

Who Forgets They Have a Tattoo?

Sadly, that would be me.

This is a very random post but one I just couldn't forget about.
I have an idea that I might laugh at this someday and I am always up for a good laugh.
Especially at myself.

The other day I suddenly remembered that I have a tattoo.
3 of them to be exact.
So, that would technically be... I have tattoooossss.
Plural.
For those of you keeping track that is.
And I completely forgot that I had them.

Okay, to be fair to myself they aren't the type of tattoos that you go and pick out, selecting something that you like, or I would hope you would like it - at least at the time.
Then sit there in the tattoo chair and voluntarily endure the process.

Oh no.
Mine were from when I had radiation.
Mine were a lot less glamorous.
And have no cool story behind them.

I mean, it would not sound cool for me to say, "Hey, you want to check out my tattoos? Yeah, they marked the places where they had to shine the little radiation lasers at me. Yeah, I know. Pretty cool, right?"
Yeah, no.

But still.
Who forgets they have tattoos?
Again, me.
I need to stop asking that question.

They are about the size of a pin drop.
Except the one on my chest - they had to do it twice so it is technically two pin drops.
Living wild I know.
Couldn't just go for one pin drop tattoo - had to be two.

The two on my sides I have actually never seen.
I hope they did a good job.
It would be awful if they would have messed those babies up.
How humiliating.

You messed up my pin drop tattoos!
How dare you.

I still can't get over the fact that I forgot that I had them.
Who does that?!?

Do you think I have to check those boxes where they ask if you have any tattoos?
I would be lying if I said no.
But can you imagine me trying to describe them???
And worse yet, them trying to find them???

Ma'am, can you please describe your tattoos?
They are pin drops.
Rain drops?
No, pin drops.
What are "pin drops?"
You know, when you drop a pin and it makes a mark. That is what my tattoos look like.
But why would anyone get "pin drop" tattoos?
I don't know, just in case I ever want to play connect the dots or tick-tat-toe. They give me a good place to start.

Nooooo thank you!

:-)

Have a great week!

Being Intentional and Intentionally Being

Being intentional is something I have really been convicted of lately.
And when I say "lately" I really mean the last 20 months.

I thought I was good about this before.
But it has been redefined for me.
For that I am grateful.

None of us know how much time we have here on this earth.
We never know if the words we speak to our spouse, our children, family, and friends will be the last they ever hear from us.
In that light, we need to make them count.
We need to leave a heart impression every chance we get.

We get opportunities every day to make a difference in peoples lives.
Are we taking them?

Are we building relationships?
Are we caring for people the way we need to be?
Or just being too busy.
Or perhaps it doesn't fit into our own "vision".

I continually ask myself these questions.
What will my children remember from today.
What will my husband take away from this moment.

I am not perfect in this.
Far from it.

But in my heart of hearts I know that each of these moments are truly a gift.
They should be celebrated
Soaked up.
Taken in.
Cherished forever.

So, I wanted to share with you one of my "Being Intentional" moments....

I am a thrifter.
I drive my husband nuts.

But I have a few shops that if I ever get a "mommy moment" I will definitely take advantage and see what they have to offer.

I was at one re-use shop the other day and spied a treasure.
Then I spied the price - half price.
A sale at a re-use shop is like "happy birthday to me!"
You can tell I get a bit excited.

So, I found this delightful little tea set.
For.
Wait for it.
$2.50.
Can you believe it?



The special thing about this tea set is that it wasn't super girly.
It is black - about as manly as you can get there.
No handles - so big fingers can't get stuck.
Maybe you can see where I am going with this....

I actually bought it for my husband.
Some of you might be chuckling when you think of my big, broad, 6'4" husband being the proud owner of a tea set.
Okay, maybe that is worth a giggle.
Or two.

But hear me out.

My hubby and I don't drink a lot of coffee.
I only drink it, at the most, once a month.
Not that I don't like it.
So, don't start boycotting me or anything like that.

But sadly, I cannot drink it black.
That yummy vanilla cream is just so good!
However, I don't need it.
I am currently trying to live (and eat) as healthy as possible.
And coffee just sends me in the opposite direction.

So, we drink A LOT of tea.
Unsweetened.
Plain goodness.


I know someone out there will now send me an email about how too much tea isn't good for me either.
But I will tell you what I tell my doctors.
I don't drink coffee, I don't drink soda - please don't take my tea away from me too!


Anyway, back to my tea pot.
Or Jason's tea pot I should say....





We have a special area in our bedroom with a small table and two chairs.
Perfect for your morning coffee tea.
Perfect for a couple to spend a few quiet moments hearing about their schedule for the day.
Perfect for reconnecting.
Perfect for being intentional.

That is why I got the tea set.
To be a visual reminder to always be intentional.

And it works.

We kind of take turns preparing the tea.
The other will come out and see it sitting there and then we will sit.
And talk.
About everything.
About nothing.

Because what matters most is that we are together.
And that we are being intentional.

{$22,000}

I have rarely talked about the financial burden cancer creates for a family.
It is not that it isn't always there.
There are constant reminders of the mounting debt that the disease is causing you to incur.

But it is kind of like... what can you really do about it?
It is not like I had another option.
My children needed their mother.
And my husband needed his wife.

The time for me to worry about my medical bills was not when I was fighting for my life.
(Although you don't ever really not worry about them.)

However, during the last several months this burden has weighed heavier and heavier on my heart.
Struggling with fatigue made it worse.
I couldn't go back to work and it almost felt hopeless.

Was I ever going to start feeling better?
How am I ever going to get these paid off if I don't have the energy to work?
It was awful.

And my husband is a youth pastor and we definitely live on a pastor's salary.
I am not complaining but it is just a reality of our situation.

Do not get me wrong.
We have have had support from our family and friends along the way.
Without you all I have no idea what we would have done.  

People held a couple of fundraisers for us and that was huge.
And others offered to hold fundraisers but, sadly, I just didn't even have the energy for that at the time.

A few weeks ago we sat down and laid out the massive pile of bills.
And with the help of my mom, thanks mom, we figured out as close as we could how much we still owe.

Right now we owe around $22,000.
That may not sound like a big number to some.
But it is one that I would like to do away with as soon as possible.

I am not asking for you to give us money.
That is not at all the point in this blog.
But I cannot sit around and do nothing and expect them to pay themselves.
I can't go to our big money tree in our backyard, unfortunately.
And the last time I checked winning the lotto was a long shot and actually required you to play it in the first place - which I don't.

So, I am going to start selling some of the little things I make here and there.
All of the profits will go to my cancer bills.
And, hopefully, we can get them knocked down just a little bit.

The reason why I am telling you...
Well, I do plan on advertising on here.
And I don't want you to be offended.
You have all been so faithful to follow me through this journey and that is the last thing I want to do.

However, if you would like to help please feel free to forward my blog to anyone you feel might be interested in purchasing the things that I will be offering. (More on that to come.)
God has been so faithful throughout all of this.
I know He will be here too.
And in the scope of life I do know what matters most.
But I would just really like to be rid of this $22,000 sooner than later.

Thank you again for all of your love and support.

Blessings,
Andrea

My 9/11...

Like every American.
We remember 9/11.
However, we also remember it for a very different reason.
It is our third little man's birthday.

The funny thing is that we have actually had people give us condolences because our son was born on 9.11.07.
My response.
Don't be sad for us.
We aren't.
We rejoice on that day.

Please do not get me wrong.
We deeply respect and honor those who lost their lives in the terrible tragedy.
And those who gave their lives trying to save others.
Our hearts ache for their loved ones.

In this household you will always find respect and honor for those who serve and protect our country.
Period.

It does not matter if they are here on American soil or defending our country in a foreign land - they are thought of often and prayed for often in our home.
It does not matter if they are in a branch of the military or if they are in law enforcement protecting our cities and towns.
Our home will always show them the respect that they deserve.

But we still rejoice
The birth of our son on 09/11, we believe, is what so many of those brave men and women give their lives for.

Hope.

The hope of a future.
The hope that there is something better yet to come.

Our son represents this hope, and so much more, to us.

He is like the rainbow after the flood.
A sign.
A sign of new life.
Our future.
A sign of love.

So, each year for the past 5 (can you believe he is 5! - We'll discuss that more later) we have celebrated on 9/11 without hesitation.
Full hearted.
Rejoicing.

Thank you God for giving us this little man on such a special day to be a reminder to us of the HOPE you have given.

the blur of life: {Broken arms, birthdays, and sickness}

I can't believe how fast this last week has gone by.
And I tell you my emotions have been all over the board.
I went from the elation of getting good scan results.
To the pit in just over a 48 hour period.

It would not be appropriate for me to discuss the details of our struggles right now.
I know that is tough for some of you to take because you are so sweet to us and it is tough for me not to be open and share.
To bare my heart as you have all allowed me to do time and time again on here.
But I just can't.
Just please know that it is not cancer related - so don't panic there.
And yes, we will take your prayers.:-)

For wisdom.
Guidance.
Strength.
Clarity.
Healing.
Protection.
And anything else you want to throw in there.
You won't hear any complaints from me.

Anyway, our week was such a blur and I really don't like that because I feel like I can't soak up every minute of life.
And that is really all I want to do.
Life is precious.

First, God has really blessed me with some extra work right now.
For those of you who don't know - I am actually grinding it out as a freelance writer.
(Not a big surprise for some but probably a huge surprise for others.)
The typical response I get is, "You can actually make money writing?"

For those of you who have done freelance work or who work for themselves, you know how it goes.
You take the work when you can get it.
But I love it.
I get to do what I love.
And I get to stay home with my babies.
Which I love even more.
I am blessed.

I have had some frustration along the way of course.
Mainly because I had my client list going pretty well and then cancer decided to come along.
I worked for as long as I could.
Until I honestly had nothing left.
And then I had to say goodbye to most of my clients.
Some of them, miraculously, stood by patiently until I was able to return to work - which really only happened a couple of months ago.
Even then, I had to start out very small.
Only working a tiny bit each day or the fatigue was just too much.

For any of you who know me you can imagine how well that went over.
It didn't.
My whole life if I have wanted to do something I have just done it.
Cancer was different.
I couldn't will my way through it.
And the harder I tried, the worse it was for me.

Anyway, that was a rabbit hole and I definitely chased it.

I have been blessed with some new clients lately and it has just been a scheduling adjustment.
But I don't dare turn it down.

So, we were trying to go away for hunting camp so I had to work extra to get caught up enough to leave.
You know how that goes.

But here is a glimpse of all the other stuff that happened along the way.

Wednesday: 
Received the super cool news that I am still cancer free.
Creide fell off the trampoline even though we have a enclosure thing, which will be relevant here shortly.

Thursday:
I was supposed to decorate a wedding about an hour away. (For those of you who don't know, I used to decorate weddings before I was diagnosed.) Got to site to decorate and the manager of the location didn't let the construction people know about the wedding and so there was construction stuff everywhere. Glad I did not have either of those peoples jobs. Needless to say, I was unable to decorate.

Also discovered that the swelling from Creide's arm has not gone away and we begin to think he may have broke his arm. (The second broken arm for him in less than 3 years and he was only 4 at the time.) I take him to the ER. They do x-rays. Creide charms the ER staff and gets about 100 stickers because of it and they release us saying that it is good to go.

Friday: 
Get ready to go back to the wedding site that morning and receive a call that they were able to get it done the night before so I can scratch that off my to do list.

Get a call from the ER doctor saying we need to come back in for more X-rays. Upon closer examination of the first X-rays there appears to be swelling in the elbow.

Go back to the hospital and get more X-rays. They were all super cool by the way. Still could not tell if there was a break in the elbow but there was definitely fluid, so they decided to treat it as a break.

Continue to pack for trip.

Go to my oldest son's first volleyball game of the season. Oh, I forgot to mention that I co-coach his team as well.

Go home and continue to prepare for our trip.

Saturday:
Leave for trip.
Arrive safely.

Sunday:
I wake up sick with the head cold my kiddos had a couple of weeks ago.

Monday:
Even sicker

Tuesday:
Creide's birthday.

I manage to drag myself out of the camper to celebrate with him. Make a rockin' awesome batch of Peach French Toast for breakfast. Homemade mac n' cheese for lunch with pork chops, french fries, and mini-corndogs... all on a campfire. (Thanks to my hubby for all his help.) These were all Creide's favorites.

Wednesday:
Get up super early and leave to come home so Cale and I can make it back in time for volleyball practice.
Hubby has to work that night.
I have to take the two little boys their soccer practices.

Thursday:
Oldest boy has another vball game in a town about an hour away.

Oh yeah, I am still sick.
It is no wonder I am so tired.

That was like a marathon blog post.
Thanks for enduring if you made it this far. :-)

Blessings.



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Scan Results Part 2 - {The Details}

Okay, so this is a little blog catch up time. 
I actually wrote this last week on the day of my scan and for whatever reason I never posted it. 
But now I am going to. 
I like when things are fresh. 
They seem more real to me. 
Deeper. 
Raw. 
Even just a week later I read this and have already forgotten most of it. 
Anyway, here you go. 
Maybe it will be valuable to someone out there. 

{9.5.12}

Oh wow.
What a day.
I am literally exhausted but I cannot turn my brain off yet to go to sleep.

This morning was pretty rough.
I literally felt sick to my stomach.
And that is pretty unusual for me.

I wanted to believe so badly that everything was going to be okay.
And this is where it gets hard to explain.

I wanted to believe that everything was good.
That I was still cancer free.
But I couldn't 100% let my guard down.
I couldn't let myself get blindsided - just in case I received the news that I did not want to hear.
I had to be able to maintain my composure and my strength for my family.
I couldn't fall apart in front of my children.
I had to be strong for them and reassure them that it was all going to be okay no matter what.
That is all I could think about.
Them. Them. Them.

As we drove into town I was thankful for our long drive.
The beautiful morning.
Our mountains.
And our radio station.
Some incredible music played and really put my heart at ease.

We arrived and I said my hellos to the many familiar faces.
They have to be some of the nicest people on the planet that work at the cancer center.
How they do it day in an day out I do not know.

They called me back to the room.
They took my blood pressure.
137/86 - not so good.
And I was trying to stay calm.

Soon after Dr. O came in.
He is so awesome.
He knows we are believers and openly talks to us about that.
He is just a nice man all around.
He asks about my kids each and every time.
Then he shares about his own kids.
If I weren't there for the reason that I am, it would almost seem fun.

Then he gets to my scan results.

You are stable - he said.

That, my friends, is a very good thing in the cancer world.
Later on he mentioned that the spot in my chest (an enlarged lymph node) that they are watching actually appears to be getting smaller.
That is the second scan where they have found that to be true.
Thank you God!

We talked some more about this and that.
I just really felt so much joy.
So much relief.
There are just not words.

From there I went to doctor #2.
Said my hellos in that office.
They took my blood pressure again.
(Not even an hour later.)
119/72
Ummm..... yeah... just a wee bit stressed before.

I received a confirmation from this doc's office on the scan results.
And they set me up for my next round.

Blood work in 3 months.
Full body scan in 6 months.
That is when I will have to drink the liquid chalk. Yum.
But we will worry about that in 6 months.
Not today.

I will then have two more scans after that 6 months apart and then we will hopefully "graduate" to the once a year gig.
That would be nice.

As I left the docs office J and the kids were in the parking lot waiting for me.
They had the windows down and I could hear them cheering for their mama.
Brings tears to my eyes even now.
Even my baby girl was cheering.

How sweet they are.
They got caught up in all this ugly mess and had to watch their mom go through the lowest of lows.
Yet, they keep cheering me on.
That is why I fought to hard.
That is why I continue to fight.
My husband and my children are my purpose.
And I will continue to fight for them until my last breath.

I am so thankful for them and the way they stood by my side.

Cancer Update: Scan Results

I haven't even left the doc's office yet. But I wanted to give you all an update.

I am still cancer free.
Still a survivor.
Still in remission.

I am elated.
Beyond grateful.

I received an email update from a friend who is currently battling cancer. Her husband said it best...

God has given me the gift of more time.

Thank you God.

I will write more later but I just wanted you all to know for now that things are good.

Blessings.

Secretly On the Side of Hope

When I was in high school I had a secret admirer. 

To this day I don't know who he was. The only reason that I ever knew he existed was because at one point he sent me a red rose. 

Attached to it was a note.

I don't remember it exactly. 

But it said something like:

I am trapped between fear and hope. 

But secretly I am on the side of hope. 

I had not thought of that in years. 

In fact, I don't even know if I ever told my husband about it. (He obviously knows now :-) 

But as I was preparing for this mornings results, that line popped into my head.

Secretly I am on the side of hope. 

I know what is at stake today. 

I know all too well. 

Yet, secretly I am on the side of hope. 

Hope of a long and prosperous life. 

One of health, free from this dreadful disease. 

Hope that God will give me the gift of more time.

Time to live out my dreams. 

Yes, secretly I am on the side of hope. 

I am grateful for this hope.

As I cannot imagine my life without it. 

The emptiness 

The despair. 

So, I will cling to this hope today and always. 

As it is a precious gift. 

My Latest Scan Documented: [The Uncut Version]

I have one last post that I wanted to make tonight before tomorrow.
I know once I get the news tomorrow I won't want to share this one.
One, I will either be too excited about my news to think backwards.
Or, two, I will be coping with other things.
Definitely praying for the first option.

But anyway... carrying on.

I mentioned in my last post that I documented my last scan.
So, here you go.
Just in case you ever want to know what one of these is like.
Of course you don't - but here it is anyway.

First, I shared the registration fiasco.
But once I got to the radiology dept. things moved pretty quickly.
Probably because it was 4:45pm and those people wanted to go home.
I don't blame them.

Anyway, I get there and my person calls me back.
Except it is not my normal person.
That threw me off right there.
Julie.
That's her name.
She has done all of my scans here locally.
We have been through a lot together.
She was the one who did the scan when I was diagnosed.
She was expecting then.
Then later on when they did the scan that showed the cancer wasn't completely gone.
Yep, she was there.
Finally, the one that showed I was clear.
Again, Julie was at the wheel.

I don't know Julie.
Other than when she does my scans.
But it is strange.
You just get used to a person and it just kind of throws you off when someone else does it.

The new guy, Daniel, was just as capable.
But I still missed Julie.

It's like the guy who does my pulmonary stuff.
That guy gets so excited about those pulmonary tests.
And thank goodness he does because there is not much there to get excited about and you need all of the encouragement you can get.
He is good at what he does.
And I am used to him.

Back to Julie.
If any of you at the hospital know who I am talking about - tell her she was missed.

On to the scan...
The first thing you have to do is change into your gown.
Thank goodness I get to keep my pants on.
Otherwise it would be even more awkward.

Me.
Looking super happy to have my scan.

    

Me. Again. Waiting in my gown in the hallway for the world to see. Or at least whoever walks down that hallway. Better than last time. There were about 20 guys waiting for some sort of testing for some sort of job. Awesome. Nothing like walking down the hall trying to hold your gown closed in the back. Awk.Ward. 

But there were pretty flowers in the waiting room.
That was nice.

And yes. I had to take pictures of them.
A little side note here.
My grandpa's favorite flower was the sunflower.
He passed away the day before my birthday 10 years ago.
From cancer.

I was also born in the sunflower state.

Perhaps these were a sign.
A sign of love.
A sign of peace.
A sign of hope.

I can only hope.

    
Me. Again. Laying in the scan thing. Super comfortable as you can tell. And this is my view. You have to pay a lot of money to get a view like that.

At least where I get my PET scans they have leaf impression things in the roof. Those are interesting for about the first 2 minutes at least.

When the scan starts a man's voice comes on and says, "Don't breath and don't swallow."
Somehow he always times this for when I have just exhaled and I have the shear desire to breath and swallow.
Why is it that when someone tells you NOT to do something it just makes you want to do it that s much more?
And then there is just the whole desire to breathe thing.

Oh, and one last thing. Don't wear bobby pins in your hair.
Had to pull about 20 of those bad boys out of my hair before we could begin.



This is the lovely machine that makes me feel yucky.

Two injections of iodine.
(That is also the stuff that makes you feel like you are peeing your pants - just in case you missed that post.)

Then I am done.

Pretty exciting huh.

Well, I am off to bed to get some sleep.
Hopefully you enjoyed this latest lesson in cancer 101.


Blessings.