My Hubby is Packing - Should I Be Packing Too?

So, we are so very blessed to have a night away for our anniversary.
And I am sitting here blogging while my hubby is packing.
(For himself of course, not for me too or that would be just rude - and strange.)
Anyway, I just couldn't help but to write about this topic.

We are definitely on the opposite side of the packing spectrum.

J is what you would call a "proactive packer".
I am sure he has a list somewhere - laminated.
One for every occasion.

Let's see...
We have the anniversary getaway list.

The very manly, stranded in the wilderness list.

The youth pastor taking your youth group on a retreat list. (This one always seems to include stuff like Mentos and Diet Coke - just in case  you need to blow something up.)

The, I don't really know what might happen, I just need to be prepared for everything list. (He seriously has this list. And he revises it regularly....Not sure of the word I would use to describe that one....)

I am being serious when I say the MAN IS PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING!

Everything is also color coordinated, alphabetized, and calculated according to size, shape, and popularity.

When my 6 year old is feeling down do you know what he and his father do.... They reorganize their survival backpacks. No. I am not kidding. They lay everything out. Talk about their items and then repack them. Evidently this makes everything all better. It totally cracks me up.

I am envious of the "proactive packer" because I am not one.

I am what you would call the "procrastinating packer".
Which means I usually wait until the day I have to leave and go to the closet (or the dryer) and pull  out a whole bunch of stuff - hoping I have enough outfits to accomplish whatever we need to accomplish.

Hey, I am not proud here.
Just being "real".
Can I get an amen.
Seriously.
I am the only one out there who does this?
I feel so alone.

However, I know what my issue is. (No, there is not just one but those are for another day.)
I try to cram too much stuff in right before we leave.
I always have these massive lists to accomplish and, of course, one more blog to write ;-) before we leave.

So, this is something I am promising now that I am going to work on.
I am going to put down the keyboard and walk away.
And I am going to pack something...
Anything!

What kind of packer are you?
Are there other types of packers out there?
Besides Green Bay?
Ha Ha.
Sorry, I thought it was funny.
Maybe not.

feeling yucky.

I had my scan today.
Barely.
Something about a change in the system and needing to be authorized - which takes 4 days.
Which I wasn't.

Thought for a minute there it was going to be rescheduled.
Again.

But some very dedicated and kind ladies went above and beyond and made it happen.
They. Are. Awesome!

But now I feel totally yucky because of the iodine they inject you with.
Gross.

They have to do it twice for me.
(I am such an over achiever.)

Basically my scans are far enough a part that I forget about how bad it makes me feel.
So, the first time you are like - wow, that wasn't so good.
But then...
Then you get to lay there and anticipate the second injection.
Did I say gross already?

It's awful.
Plus, you feel like you are peeing your pants.
Awesome.
Didn't know if you knew that or not - or even wanted to know that.
But now you do.

No, I am not joking.
As the iodine travels through your body it totally makes you feel like you are just a peeing a way.
TMI?

Thank goodness they warned me about it the first time I had one of these done or it would have been even more awkward.
Can you imagine?
Um... excuse me... I think I just peed all over and I have no idea why.

Alright, I will get off that topic.
Oh, the tales of cancer.

Anyway, back to me feeling yucky :-)
So, we've established I feel yucky.

The other day a lady sent me a note.
She was having a really bad day.
And I told her when I have days like that I just start to think of all the blessings I have in my life and it makes me feel better.
So, I am going to follow my own advise.

I am blessed that I even woke up this morning and was even able to take another breath.
I am blessed to have the wonderful husband that I have.
That we will be celebrating another anniversary tomorrow.
I am blessed to have the four beautiful children that I have.
That they love their mama the way they do.
I am blessed to have the rest of the family that I have.
My forever friends too.
I am blessed to have the energy that I have.
To be able to do what I love every day.
I am so blessed by the continual grace that God gives me - even though I don't deserve it.

The simple fact remains that I would choose to feel like this every minute of every day if it meant that I could watch my children grow up and grow old with my husband.

This is but a grain of sand in a sandy beach of eternal life but I plan on experiencing as much of this grain of sand that I possibly can.

So, I am going to put my big girl boots on, suck it up and stop whining.

Thanks for reading.

life with him.

This is going to be difficult to get through.

I am already crying.

He has a way of bringing that out in me.

Tomorrow is a special day for us.

It is the anniversary of our wedding day.

We have lots of special days.

And he never forgets any of them. 

But I thought I would take a few minutes to reflect upon my life with him. 

Share.

Remember.

{Love.}

Life with him is pure joy.

Sure, we have had our share of trials.

(You have been here for many of them.)

But they have always been things that happened to us - not things between us.

(I hope that makes sense.)

Loving this man is so easy.

I delight in it each day.

And, in turn, I feel so loved by him.

There are no words to describe it. 

I wake up every morning and thank the Lord that he chose me.

Our life has been messy.

4 kids has a tendency to make life interesting anyway. 

But then there was more. 

Multiple job transfers.

Lots of moving. 

Many miscarriages.

Cancer.

And the list can go on and on. 

Anyone of those things could have been enough to take our marriage down.

But instead...

We have drawn closer.

Steadfast.

Unwavering.

And through all of this messiness I believe we have truly achieved the oneness that God speaks of. 

When I was diagnosed the thought of leaving this man was beyond heartbreaking. 

I knew he would make it through it. 

It would be hard - especially with the kids.

But he is strong.

He is faithful.

But I never want him to hurt.

And.

I had made a promise.

I promised him I would grow old with him.

Sure, it was made when we were young and thought we would live 100 years.

But it was still a promise.

Until that moment it never occurred to me that it could be any different. 

Questions would race through my mind.

Did he know how much I really loved him?

Did I love him well enough?

Did I love him enough to get him through the time we would be apart if I did leave this world so soon?

Did I honor him as I have been called to do?

Did I show my children the depth of my love for their father?

Did I model the love of a devoted wife so my daughter would know how to love her husband someday?

Did I receive his love the way I was supposed to so my son's would know how to love their wives someday?

I know these questions may not make sense to some.

Or may seem obsessive. 

But when I thought of not being here much longer I just wanted to make sure I was leaving those that I love with what they needed from me. 

Nothing else mattered. 

Not me. 

Not the pain I went through.

Just them.

Just him.

As we celebrate tomorrow I can honestly say....

There is no place I would rather be.

Next to him.

Loved by him.

Doing this life together. 

Serving One as One.

J - I love you so dearly. I delight in being your wife. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for choosing this. Thank you for raising our children with me. Thank you for being the man you are - for leading our household the way you do. Thank you for always standing firm for what is right and continually shining the light of Jesus for me, our children, and all those around us. In the dark nights you have been my light - reminding me of how much Jesus loves me through your love. Thank you for cherishing me and nourishing me the way you do and for always showering me with the word of the Lord through your words, actions, and love. 

Your loving wife. 

A Bunch of Sickies...

We have a pile of sickies at the Gressman house.
Last night was tough.
I was so thankful for Jason.

We did what is commonly referred to in the world of parenting as "the divide and conquer method".
Those of you with more than one child know what I am talking about here.

For those of you who don't know....
This is where one parent takes one child and the other takes the other child.
And you hope you didn't draw the short straw. :-)
Just kidding.

Anyway, Jason took Creide.
And I took Kearyn.

Ky is also sick but he is pretty tough about it.
He only has a bad caugh.
And isn't doing the fever, throwing up thing too.

Boy, I will be glad when we get past this one...

Hope you all are staying healthy...

Blessings.

{amg}

Cancer Tests Around the Corner: {Please Pray}

Yikes! God was super tricky on this one...

My scan was scheduled for Monday. (Yes, Labor Day.)
It was scheduled so long ago that I guess no one noticed it was a holiday.
Until yesterday.

I received a call saying they wanted to move it.
So, they moved it to tomorrow!
It really just hit me.
I have not had my normal prep time to pray, freak out and hyperventilate (just kidding - I honestly don't do that.)

But I didn't realize how much of a routine I have when it comes to these things. Here is a bit of a rundown:

1.) Ignore it.
Honestly, this is the only way to describe what I do. I really just don't think about it that much.
I have described it before as like waking up from a bad dream. You have to think about whether or not it really happened or not because it is all such a blur. That is me. I feel like I am just waking up but instead of saying, "Oh, that was just a dream..." I get to say, "Oh, that really did happen."

2.) Start praying about it.
About 2 weeks before, I do start to think of it just a little and every time I do think about it I just pray. My worry level is still very very low at this point.

3.) Pray more.
About 2-3 days before, I have to start praying more as I do start to think about it more. I do get those butterflies a bit and I just have to pray through it.

I honestly feel like I keep my worry in check pretty well. Of course, I am human. but as I have shared before, I feel like worrying about it is a giant waste of time. It does nothing for tomorrow and only robs my joy of today.

If, in fact, I had to go back into treatment do I really want my last days before going into treatment worrying about whether or not I will have to go back into treatment or not? That was a lot to just write - I can't imagine it continually swirling around uncontrollably in my brain.

The answer.
No.
Absolutely not.

I refuse to let cancer rob any more of my joy. I know I am stuck on this roller-coaster for a while but I can choose if I am going to enjoy the ride or scream out in fear the whole time.
It isn't always easy but it is still my choice.
And this is the way I am choosing to walk it out.

But...
I still wouldn't mind your prayers. :-)
Or thoughts.
Or whatever you do.
Just as long as it's nice. :-)

Thank you all for your continual love and support through this "roller-coaster ride". It means a lot that you still pray, still read, still care.

Blessings.

Photo of the Day: {Pretty Posy}

I haven't posted a "Photo of the Day" for a while. I couldn't resist this one.

 

This was taken the other night at a BBQ we went to at our friend Andy's house. 

I will be posting more on that later. :-) 

But I couldn't resit posting this one. 

I think it is PREEEETTTTYYYY! 

She Makes My Heart Skip a Beat....

This girl...
Wow.
Sometimes there are just no words.





I can't come close to describing my love for her.
My daughter.

I really never thought I would have a girl.
I wasn't even sure if I wanted one.

I was afraid.
Afraid I wouldn't be the right kind of mom for her.
I still do fear that....sometimes.






I was a boys mom.
I was in a groove.
Then God rocked my world.
And gave me this precious baby girl.

Our life hasn't been the same since.
And what I think gets me most...
Is how close we came to not having her.






I have shared openly about our many miscarriages.
And how we lost our little boy 11 months and 10 days before my girl was born.

We came so close to giving up.
To throwing in the towel.
We almost let the fear rule our hearts.
And not try again.





We prayed.
God answered.




She is our thing of beauty in this sometimes dark world.
She keeps us going.
And she definitely keeps us on our toes.

Thank.You.God.

So, How Did Your Week Go?

How did my week go?

Thanks for asking...

Well, that's an interesting question... 

Normally I kind of prefer a pass/fail kind of evaluation.

But I really don't know if I my heart can take that kind of rejection right now.

However, there is a glass half full/glass half empty scenario I could easily apply here. 

For example, if emails were an indication of my success or failure in my week it would scream fail to most.

I currently have 316 unread emails in my inbox.. oh wait, 317. Please, no one else email me until I finish this blog! 

And that is just the unread ones, I am too ashamed to tell you how many "read" emails I have that still need some sort of "action" on my behalf. {sigh}

Yeah, I don't even want to hear from any of you who have like 5 whole emails in your inbox, alphabetized and starred accordingly. Or those who say, I never go to bed with anything in my inbox. 

I know you are out there. 

Back to my cup half full scenario. At some point in the week - can't tell you which day because it is really all one giant blurrrrrrr - but there were over 500 emails just sitting their patiently waiting to be read. So, I think I battled back quite nicely because I get at least 100 emails a day - usually more. (Glass half full!!! ;-)

Wait, you don't get 100 emails a day? 

How do you get on that list?

How did I get on this email tangent?

Don't answer that. 

Back to my week...

First, homeschooling a whatever-grade-my-oldest-son-is-in. 

(This is homeschool language for when your child is like doing 6 different grade levels or when your child is smarter than you - not going to reveal which one this situation applies to.)

My first grader. 

My pre-kindergarten/kindergartner (more homeschool talk for when a mom isn't quite ready to accept that her 4 year old [to be 5 in 3 weeks] is doing kindergarten schoolwork). 

All with a precious two year old - who constantly loves to explore her boundaries right now -little girl. (Translation - she constantly tries to test her mother and quickly throws a temper tantrum any time her boundaries and mommies boundaries don't get along.) 

And that was just the first day....

My oldest is playing volleyball and I am also coaching - which I love - don't get me wrong. 

I truly love having that special time with him.  

But it always amazes me how much energy it takes to coach. 

One plus - I don't have to work out on volleyball days because I totally get my work out in while I am there. (Glass half full!!! ;-)

God has also decided to bless me with some work right now. Awesome! I think...

No, in all seriousness... Things are good. 

However, it is a new season. 

One of adjustment.

Change.

Adaptation.

And. Joy.

The joy of the new milestones we are accomplishing as a family.

The joy of me being here to witness and be apart of these milestones. 

The joy of just being alive...

So what if I have 317 emails, err 320 emails. 

So what if I don't do everything perfectly.

Or don't get everything crossed of my checklist. 

I know in my life those aren't the things that matters most....

This is...

And I wouldn't trade {THIS} for anything.
Thank.You.God.

As a lady once told me - relationships are the only thing you can take with you.

Where ever you are in life and however the week for you... I hope that it was half full for you too.

Blessings.

"Slap me silly & call me cowboy!"

This delightful little quote was from my youngest boy - obviously the joker of our family.

He is constantly coming up with the funniest things.

I have no idea where he got this one from. 

A movie most likely.

Or he took a movie quote and altered it to suit his little Creidey-bear needs. (That's what we call him - Creidey-bear. ;-) 

But the funny thing about my little Creide is that he has the best timing. 

That is what makes it so funny. 

The delivery. 

I am so thankful for this boy and his sweet heart. 

His quick wit does his mamma good. 

So, the next time you hear someone say, "Slap me silly & call me cowboy!" - think of my little Creide and I am sure he will bring an even bigger smile to your face. 

Here are some pics I found from one year ago this month where he was a "cowboy". 

It is actually a ladies hat that he found in some high end tourist shop in Ouray. 

But I couldn't resist snapping a couple of shots before I made him put it back JUST where he found it completely unharmed. :-) 

Bad Cancer Day...

My lack of blogging in the last couple of weeks had not been due to bad things.
It has actually been the opposite.

We have been trying to soak up every last minute of summer before we start school.
But more of that later.

Today, however, was not the best day I have ever had.
I am not sharing this because I want to sound selfish in any way.
This is not about me.
This is about sharing my heart every step of this journey to help others.
Even on my bad days when I would prefer to remain quiet.

I feel called to do this to give those who may not have the words a voice to represent what they are gong through.

I feel called to do this to give those who might be looking for a way to help someone in my situation some perspective on some of the things the person they are trying to help may be dealing with.

So, what made this day so difficult? Here is a rundown...

It started with me going to church.
I ran into a friend that I actually went through radiation with.
She gave me the news that her cancer was back.
I tried desperately  to fight back the tears for her.
I failed.

I know her heart.
I know her desire to stay here on this earth to raise her little girl.
I know her fear.
I would do anything to make it all better for her and I can't.
All I can do is pray.

This hit me hard.
It hit me hard for her.
It hit me hard for me.

First, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to know you have to go back into treatment again.
The first time around is hard enough.
But the one thing you do have is ignorance.
Ignorance to the fact of how hard it is really going to be.
The second time around you don't have that anymore.
You know.
And you have to do it anyway.

She is the 4th or 5th person that I was in treatment with that their cancer has come back.
I would be lying if I said that this does not cause me fear for my own cancer journey.
And, this always seems to happen right before I go in for my own scans.

My next scan is only a couple of weeks away.
The battle of the mind began today.
I am praying diligently that I can get it in control again quickly.

Next, our church had a concert tonight where Audrey Assad was the performer.
She shared that last September her husband was diagnosed with cancer.
Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
The same cancer I had.

Then, she shares that she has a friend who is dying this week.
Yes, from cancer.
She has two small children she will be leaving behind.
Even now my tears flow.

My heart just hurts so badly for that family.
My heart also screams, "No, please don't let this happen to me!"
Please God, allow me to stay here.

I just want to raise my children.
I just want to be a wife to my husband.

Finally, we were driving home...
I was just about to ask Jason about his thoughts on all this mention of cancer.
Just at that moment a mom came on the radio and started talking about her 3 year old having cancer.

So, my heart is heavy with so many things tonight.
Sadness.
Worry.
Fear.

Yet, all I can do is remain hopeful.
Keep my faith.
Know that God has already gone before me.
Pray.

And as my husband so gently reminded me of a couple of different times today....

Don't limit God.

More Funnies....

I haven't posted any "funnies" lately. So, I thought I would post a couple....

~{**}~

Creide: Mom, can you reach that for me? Because I am just a little dude.

~{**}~

Creide: Awe Mom. I only weigh 3 pounds. Still little. (Followed by a sad face.)

Mom: You mean 30 pounds?

Creide: 30 pounds? Really? Wow, I'm big! (Followed by jumping up and down in delight.)

~{**}~

Creide: Mom, if anyone messes with my sister, I am going to mess with them back.

(Unless he is the doing the "messing" of course.)

~{**}~

While attending youth group this past Sunday I was at the back of the building reminding my two noisy little boys to be quiet because they were about to start worship. 

Kearyn turns around from the front of the building and says, "Mom, pray!". 

I evidently missed that they had started praying. 

Thanks Kearyn for bringing that to my attention - and everyone else's as well.

~{**}~

Cale started telling me about some astonishing fact he had just learned in some book he was reading and then he suddenly stops. 

Cale: Mom, you don't really care about this do you.

Me: No son, I do care. I just have no idea what you are talking about. 

(Just one of many humbling moments that I frequently experience with my son.)

I hope you are having a great week and lots of "funnies" are happening to you as well! 

Photo of the Day: {daddy's hand}

[kearyn & daddy]

When I see pictures like this my heart can't help but to skip a beat.
For I know the time we have with our daughter as a 'little' is ever so brief.

It convicts my heart even more to cherish each day.
And to never, not even one second of it, wish my days away.

Photo of the Day: {Pink Beauty}

Scripture Sunday: {Psalm 147:5}

How great is our Lord! His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension!

~ Psalm 147:5, NLT

Lesson's From My Children: {Being Intentional}

For me, one of the best things about being a mom is seeing the individual gifts that God has given each of my children. They are all so very different and Jason and I enjoy the challenge of helping them grow these gifts. 

As I was going through some of my many photos I found these of my middle boy, Ky. He is 6 and is gifted in so many ways. 

One of my favorite gifts that my boy has been abundantly blessed with is how intentional he is with everything in life.

He loves deeply.

He protects fully. 

He is deliberate.

Patient.

Steadfast. 

He goes out of his way to help his baby sister. 

Just after she was born he saw her for the first time in the hospital and he said, "Mom, I'm her 'tector." (meaning protector)

At the age of four he made that promise and he lives it out everyday.

He is also extremely patient with both his little brother and his little sister.

Sure, he does reach his limit from time to time but overall he does really well. 

He also values your time and openly shows his appreciation for it. 

No matter what the activity - whether it is helping me cook, doing "man stuff" with his dad, ory even curling up and watching a movie - he deeply values the time you are spending with him. 

He often says, "I just want to spend time with you."

Ky is a great son and such a blessing to our family. 

I am constantly amazed by the lessons that I learn on a daily basis from my children. And Ky's continual lesson to me is to always be intentional. 

Be intentional with your time. 

With your relationships. 

With your passions. 

And with your promises. 

I love that. 

And I love you Ky James for always being my reminder. 

Hello August - You Have Some Big Shoes to Fill!

Yesterday I blogged about July and what a great month it was for our family. 

It was the first month that I would say that I felt halfway normal in a long, long time and I loved every minute of it. 

It is so wonderful not having to struggle to just get out of bed every morning. 

That was my reality for so long...

And if you know me, if you know me at all, you know that COMPLETELY goes against my personality. 

I have always done a million things. One person said it well when he said that I am a "high achiever". That makes me laugh but he was certainly right.

So, when everything is stripped away from you and you struggle day after day, week after week, and month after month - well, it can take its toll. 

But, there is another way of looking at it. If I wouldn't have experienced that depth of fatigue I would not appreciate the energy I have today as much as I do. 

Anyway, back to August...

August, you have some big shoes to fill my friend. However, I think you have a chance. For August represents two of the most precious days in my life. 

The first one to come up is a day I am grateful for and celebrate to the deepest depth of my heart. 

It happened 13 years ago. 

13.

Can you believe it? 

My oldest son will turn [13] in 8 days. 

It is like a dagger in my heart in so many way. The time has flown by and I am counting down the years, months, weeks, days, and minutes I have left with him. Then he will be off to explore the world on his own. 

I am praying it is enough. That we have taught him enough. That we have prepared him enough. But I know it won't be and that is where God comes in. That is where my faith is enough. 

For now, all I can do is cherish. 

Cherish the time. 

Cherish the relationship. 

Cherish the young man that God so graciously blessed our lives with. 

Just cherish him. 

Awe, the emotion of just thinking and writing about it are almost too much! 

The 2nd big day is a day of pure joy. 

August also means an anniversary for J and I. 

So blessed that he chose me. :-) 

I am excited to live life with this man everyday. 

I would choose no other. 

As a homeschool family, we will be back to it at the end of this month. I am truly so excited for this school year. The last two years have been tough with treatment and my low energy level. I am so excited for this year, the curriculum, classes, and other activities. Even though I will be teaching 3 this year with a two year old in tow. :-) 

For now, we are going to soak up what is left of summer. I have to get enough to sustain me through the winter. :-) I may be a Colorado girl but I don't love the cold. 

This means....

More trips to the lake.

More carload drive-in runs.

More BBQ's. 

Really, anything where we can all be together is good with me. And maybe we will see you there too. If so, stop by and say hi. We would love to catch up. 

Wishing you the very best August ever. 

Blessings,

Andrea