Happy Birthday Jason!!!

Today is Jason's birthday. We are so grateful to be able to call this man {husband} and {daddy}. :-)

There are no words to describe the {heart} that this man has. If you know him, you just can't help but to want to know him better. If you don't know him, you don't know what you are missing out on.

For those of you who don't know {our} story.... Jason and I actually went to the same daycare together. I was 7 and he was 8. I remember him doing things like bouncing his little brother off of the trampoline and giving him a bloody nose. But I also remember him doing things like taking the food that his brother didn't like so his little brother wouldn't get in trouble for not eating it. (Hey, that is sweet when your 8 years old.)

I remember him in middle school and junior high - he was SOOO much taller than the other boys - how could you miss him! People ask if we dated in high school. The answer... Jason would have had to talk to me in order for us to date. You see, Jason was one of the shyest people I have ever met. He definitely didn't talk to girls and since I was a girl - he didn't talk to me. Although, there is a lovely story about him having to run a lap on the baseball field because of me. :-) (Jason - you should have been paying attention to your coach instead of the track girls running behind the backstop. :-) You all can ask him about that the next time you see him. LOL!

The truth is, I was actually the one that had to ask Jason on our first date. (The one and only time I ever asked a boy on a date, thank goodness - and he really wasn't a boy anymore, we were in our early 20's.) What can I say - desperate times called for desperate measures. (Remember the shyness thing...I always say that if I would have waited for him to ask me out on a date then our children still would not have been born.) :-) Needless to say, things worked out. ;-)

The one thing that you have to know about J is that he has always been a good person. He has always been a gentleman. You never heard him say high school boy things (yeah, we don't even need to go there) and to all the youth group high school boys that happen to be reading this (yes, the 1) I, of course, know that you would never say anything like what I am referring to. ;-)

Anyway, J is the most amazing husband and I should know because I have thoroughly tested him. This past year he has taken amazing care of me and our children when I could not even take care of myself - let alone 4 kids! When I was going through chemo he had to be both mom and dad and thank goodness my chemo didn't last any longer because he did such an amazing job I think I was about ready to lose my job. :-)

Here are just a few things that I will continually be thankful to Jason for....

Thank you, Jason, for saying yes to that nervous phone call all those many years ago. (Heck no, I didn't ask him in person - I am WAY too chicken for that.)
Thank you, Jason, for choosing me.
Thank you, Jason, for the sacrifices you have made for us.
Thank you, Jason, for putting up with me. (That in itself is a full-time job.)
Thank you, Jason, for taking care of me in sickness and in health.
Thank you, Jason, for taking care of my children when I could not.
Thank you, Jason, for being that type of daddy that you are.
Thank you, Jason, for modeling what a Godly man is supposed to be for my boys and what a Godly husband is supposed to look like for my daughter - even though she is never going to find a man that will live up to your standards... it is still a nice "theory".
Thank you, Jason, for loving us the way you do.
Thank you, Jason, for just being you.

We are so grateful for you each and everyday. As I was looking back through the pictures, so many memories came flooding back. I have loved every minute of our life together (even though there were some moments I didn't like so much - namely chemo and radiation). I would redo every second of it all over again just so I could be with you.

South Dakota days.

Alaska days.

Ky turning {one}.

Coming back from our camping trip. Creide sporting his new hat that the sheriff's deputy gave him because he felt bad for pulling us over - falsely suspecting that we had stole our camper. (This stuff only happens to us :-)

Our special day.

{us}

Thank you for the memories. We love you dearly.

My Boy is Sick Today

Last night our youngest son started getting sick.... and kept getting sick all through the night. He was still sick this morning but seems to feeling a little better now. This morning he said it is the "worst day ever" and I did not blame him one bit.

It is miserable watching your child struggle. I wish I could take it away from him and be sick myself instead. But I couldn't of course. All you can do is hold them, love them, and do your very best to make them feel better.

Praying my boy makes a full and speedy recovery.... 

{Thankfulness}....6 Things I Am Truly {Thankful} For

For those who know me best - you have probably noticed that I have not written about being {thankful} yet, despite it being the theme for this wonderful month. I honestly have been trying... I have started several posts. But I have so many things to be thankful for that it seemed impossible to do this subject any justice.

So, here is a feeble attempt to cover some of the things that I am so thankful for. I know I will not be able to cover it all but it is at least a start...

1. {God.} 

For those of you who are reading this - I have no idea if you believe in God or not. But for me, there is no other way but the way of the Lord. He has blessed me so abundantly - even when I did not deserve it (which is most of the time :-). I would not have survived all that I have in my life if it weren't for His grace, mercy and love.

     2.  {My Husband.} 

One of the greatest blessings that God has given me is the man that I call my husband.  He has seen me at my absolute worst and still loves me anyway. He has continually put himself last time and time again to take care of me, our children, his ministry, and everything else God has called him to do.

There are no words to describe how this man has loved me so well. He has held me when my body has hurt so badly I thought I would crawl out of my skin. He has sat by my side as I have gotten sick time and time again. He has rubbed my feet and hands for hours because he knew it made me feel just a little bit better. My husband has not just loved me with words, he has loved me with is actions, his selflessness and unconditional giving. I am so truly thankful for him each and every day. If I could choose all over again - I would DEFINITELY choose him. :-)

     3.  {My Children.} 

There are no words to describe how much I love my children and how thankful I am for them. I could literally write a book just about my kids. Probably 4 of them - one for each of them. :-) I am overwhelmed that God chose me to be their mother. I am truly honored.

Each of my children are so different and I am thankful for that as well. I love witnessing how uniquely God has made each of them. I love watching their gifts and their talents grow and develop and I can't wait to see how God ends up using each of them.

I am thankful for each day, each hour, each minute, and each second with them. One of the most heartbreaking parts of my diagnosis was not knowing how many of these I would have left. In all honesty - none of us know how much time we have left and I am determined not to squander mine on things that do not matter. My children matter.

 When each of them give me those special hugs throughout the day I find myself squeezing them for another second - soaking up the cherished moment. There is no place I would rather be. :-)

     4.  {Our Family.}

We are very blessed to live so close to so much of our family. They are there in a moments notice. They have definitely filled the gaps these last few months where we fell short. Their love for us is amazing and we are so thankful for it.

They are key fixtures in my children's lives. The time they get to spend with them is truly precious. The things that they learn from each of them and the memories that they are able to create are priceless and I know they will carry them with them for all of their days.

     5.   {My Friends.} 

Wow. Where do I begin? Thank you to my friends who have loved me even when I was unlovable. Thank you to my friends who stood by my side no matter what. Some of you came to my house and scrubbed my floors. Some of you sat there by my side while they injected me with my chemo cocktail. You called and left messages even though you knew I was too weak to return them. You sent emails even though you knew I was too tired to reply. You cooked for my family when I could not. You took care of my children when I had no energy to do so. You listened to me when I complained and felt sorry for myself. You read my blog. :-) You gave me grace. You were my friend even though I couldn't be your friend back. I am SO thankful for you. You are a true treasure. (You know who you are.)

     5.   {Our Church Body.}

There are no words to describe the love and support that our church family and friends have given us. They have stood by our sides through loss and sickness, through broken arms and ER visits. They have met us on this road called life countless times and they have helped us to keep moving forward, closer to the cross all the while growing closer to our Lord Jesus.

     6.    {Our Community.} 

The support we have received from our community has been overwhelming. People that I do not even know personally will stop me and ask me my name. They will then say something like, "I have been praying for you," or "I have been reading your blog." They hear our story from a variety of ways - our family, our friends, friends of friends. They take time out of their lives to follow our journey and truly care and for that I will be forever grateful.

So, I have to tell you this was not an easy one to write. It was very emotional for me to think of these  and try to put into words how I feel about each of them. This is only a small piece of all that I am thankful for and, like I said, I could go on and on but I will spare you from that.

I am thankful for you - all who read this as well. You have allowed me to process all of the emotions and feelings that I could have so easily stuffed down deep somewhere. You have supported me and I am grateful.

Blessings,
Andrea

What's Next with the Cancer Treatment Plan

I have been getting the question...."What's next?" quite a lot lately. I realized that I had not given a "formal" update on what the next steps are for me and my cancer treatment. So here you go...

They do not do any type of testing of any kind for a minimum of two months after radiation.  Evidently they need to make sure that all of the swelling and stuff has gone away or that can make the results come back wonky. (Yes, wonky is a technical term - at least in my world.)

So, my scan is scheduled for December 28th and they will be doing a PET scan then. I then have my doctors' appointments on January 4th where I will meet with both my chemo and radiation oncologists. That is when we are hopeful (and when I say hopeful I really mean HOPEFUL) that I will get a clear report.

If I get a clear report I will then see my main oncologist every 3 months with a scan every 6 months. They will gradually move my check-ups further and further apart as I get clear resutls. If I can hit the 2 year mark without it coming back then my risk factor goes way down - at least for the Hodgkin's. If I can hit 5 years without it coming back then it goes way, way, way down!

If for some unforeseen reason my scan does not come back clear on the 4th of January - I have no idea what will happen. They really don't discuss those types of things with you in advance. Really, there is no point because you would then just worry about it and you don't need that.

How am I doing with it all? FANTASTIC! I am so ecstatic to be done with treatment right now - life truly could not be any better. I am just adoring all of this time that I have with my family and I am soaking up every second of it. I just feel truly blessed.

Some have asked how I am doing with the wait for my results and honestly I don't even think about it. It is what it is and there isn't anything I can do about it - so why worry about it?

I think when you go through stuff like this you just get so use to all of the testing and waiting that you don't pay that much attention to it anymore. You enjoy the times that you aren't in a doctors office or aren't being tested for something so much and you realize that is what is important. It seems pointless to take these precious minutes of life that I have been given and spend them worrying. Life is too short for that.

So, there you have it. I won't find out anything until January 4th. We are praying that God will bless us with a clean bill of health in 2012! (All prayers are welcome!)

Blessings and Love to All!
Andrea

Family Fun: {The Corn Maze & The Pumpkin Patch}

A couple of weeks ago we made a family trip to the corn maze and pumpkin patch. We met up with some good friends and the boys had a ton of fun navigating their way through the 6 mile corn maze.

We then made our way to the pumpkin patch. It was so fun watching the boys select their "perfect" pumpkins. We must have examined nearly every pumpkin there. Ky was especially determined to find "just the right one" which meant that it didn't even have dirt on it. I kept telling him that we could wash any dirt off but he kept at it until he found the one he wanted.

Thank goodness Jason was there to cart our treasures back to the vehicle from clear across the field.

I was just as bad though. I spotted Kearyn's blue pumpkin clear across the field as well and couldn't resist claiming it as our own despite the distance.

I am so thankful for days like this.

Email Subscription is Back!

My email subscription has been down for a couple of months but I am happy to say that I finally got it fixed. (Don't ask me how - some complicated inner workings of cyber world.) :-)

Anyway, for those of you who have already subscribed - you will now receive the email updates once again.

For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about but would like to receive email updates of my blog just look to the left and enter your email address there. Don't forget to confirm your subscription.

For those of you who have already subscribed but have NEVER received an email update - it is because you didn't confirm your subscription. If you need help with that, contact me and we will get it worked out.

Since my email updates have not been going out I thought I would do a recap of the past couple of months just so you can get caught up if you haven't visited in a while.

I did a couple of quick highlights of my favorite September moments. You can read about those:

Favorite September Moments.... {part 1}

&

Favorite September Moments.....{Part 2} 

September was also Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month. You can read that post here:

September: Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month

I found out that I would indeed have to have radiation. You can read all about that as well as the preparation process of that here:

My Cancer Journey is Not Over...

Got My Tattoos & I Am Ready to Go!

The month of October I really cut back on pretty much everything so that I could get through radiation so I only had time for a quick blog about 2 of my boys. You can read that here:

{brotherly love}

In the month of November I have been able to write a bit more and you can read those posts here:

My Silence is Broken!

I am a Superstar!

Now What?

{All the Poor & Powerless}

{rad-i-a-tion} 

It is JUST Plain Hard....

So, that will pretty much catch you up to now. :-) Thank you so much for continuing to follow me on this journey. May you be blessed today and always. 

Blessings,

Andrea

It is JUST Plain Hard....

I was going to write a word of encouragement for a special someone that is going through a difficult time right now and I thought I would just post it here in the hopes that it would help some others as well.

It seems like there are so many people who are struggling right now and it is truly heartbreaking. If I could ease the burden for all of you - I would in a heartbeat,  but the reality is that I know there is very little I can do to make anything better for anyone. All I can do is share the love that God has so abundantly given me and pray for you. Both I will gladly and eagerly do.

I have spent a great deal of time in the "pit" myself. I know what it is like to claw your way out of the "pit" and then run into someone who says something like.... "You should just be grateful that you are in the pit at all". What? Grateful to be in the pit?!? Are you kidding me? All I want to do is to get out of this dark hole that I am in and you are telling me I should be happy to be here? No. Way!

Later, when you are finally out of the "pit", you then can understand what that person was saying. There are so many lessons to be learned in the "pit". There is so much growth that happens in the "pit" but when you are living it, when you are up close and personal to it, it is hard to see the blessings that are taking place.

I have struggled with this myself more times than I can remember. I vividly recall a particular battle of the mind occurring when I was about half way through my chemo treatments. I was struggling in a bad way. I was cranky and that whole "grace and peace" thing was pretty much non-existent in my world. I was at a very low point physically. Mentally and emotionally I was shot. (Not proud of all of the above.)

A friend of mine ended up coming over and told me that I should feel grateful to be getting chemo at all. That started an additional battle of the mind. Was I not grateful? Did people perceive me as not being grateful? That was never my intention at all. I did not want one person to feel like I was not grateful for every morsel of life I was being given. But I was sick and I hurt so badly - there were not words to describe how awful I felt.

Finally, another friend of mine, one who I had actually gone through treatment with for the same type of cancer (she had finished her treatment before I did). Anyway, she always has this perfect timing. She will send me a text or stop by and see me when I am struggling the most. I shared with her my struggles and she gave me true words of wisdom that I ended up clinging to - well, to this very day.

She said, "It's not that you aren't grateful. It is just hard." (I know. She is brilliant isn't she.)

Being grateful for something does not mean that you can't admit that something is hard. So many times we feel like when we are going through hard times we need to radiate this positive attitude and act like that it is all just rainbows and lollipops. (A term that Jason and I like to use a lot.) It is not rainbows and lollipops. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is... well, it is JUST plain hard.

And on the other hand, just because something is hard doesn't mean that we aren't going to receive blessings for it or aren't receiving blessings for it this very moment that we don't even realize.

When you are going through a trial (or are in the "pit" as I like to call it) it is impossible to see the big picture. Actually, we won't see the "big picture" until we finally meet Jesus. But we can't lose faith. In fact, that is the very definition of faith. Believing in what we can't see.

I know for those of you who are struggling this means very little. But perhaps, just perhaps, there is a tiny bread crumb of hope that you can cling to. It's not that you aren't grateful, it is just hard.

Blessings,
Andrea

{rad-i-a-tion}

Tomorrow marks the 3rd week since I have been done with my treatment and I have been tinkering with this blog post for about 2 weeks. I am not quite sure why I haven't finished it by now. Maybe because I was just happy not to be thinking about radiation, treatment in general, and most importantly - cancer.

Whenever you are diagnosed with something like cancer (or really anything major along the same lines) it becomes so much a part of your life - whether you like it or not. It also becomes a part of who you are. It becomes a part of your testimony. But where the true battle comes in is not letting it take over and define who you are.

Yes, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Yes, I went through 6 months of chemotherapy. Yes, I went through a month of radiation. But I am not those things. They are a part of what I have done but they don't define me.

I am certain that there are many of you who can relate to what I am saying. You have these big things that happen to you, they may even change who you are completely, but they don't take over your identity. Or at least you fight like crazy to no let them.

Anyway, I don't quite know why I got off on that little tangent but I will refocus....

October meant a month of radiation for me. 20 treatments to be exact.

Prior to being diagnosed with cancer I was rather clueless as to what most of these treatment terms really meant. Honesty, I had no idea what Hodgkin's Lymphoma (or "Hodgkin's Disease" as so many are use to calling it) really was. Boy, has that changed.

I had heard of  chemo and I knew chemo was not good. EVERYONE knows chemo is not good. But I really had no idea  exactly what chemo entailed. I knew even less about radiation - so I had no idea what to expect. (With the exception of sitting next to a little old lady in a waiting room one time where she informed me that I should be SO grateful that I only had to go through chemo [this was before I knew I had to have radiation] because radiation was SO much worse than chemo. At this point I made up my mind that I never never never wanted to have radiation because if chemo was kicking my tail as badly as it was.... there was no way I could survive radiation. (Hmmm.... this may be the explanation of why I had such issues going into radiation....)

So, obviously I know a lot more about radiation now that I have gone through it myself.

Here is where I always like to include my legal disclaimer..... All cancers are different. Therefore, all cancer treatments are different. And to even complicate things further - we all react differently to our own cancer treatments. So, when I tell you how it was for me that does not mean that it will be this way for the next person. Okay, that is the end of my disclaimer....

I always like to share my experiences - not because I want sympathy for myself - but because I want people to perhaps have a bit more compassion for the next person they encounter that is battling cancer.

I know when any of us hear about someone being diagnosed with the "big C" our hearts always sink. We know the treatment isn't going to be pretty and the road is going to be long and hard but do we really know what the road looks like for them? No. And you aren't going to know from my story either. But you can know what questions to ask. You might just know a little more than you did before and for me, that is what this is all about. Informing one another so that we are better equipped to help one another.

If one person is loved on just a bit more because of what I have gone through - well then it makes it that much better for everyone involved now doesn't it.

So, back to radiation. First of all, I only received a little over half of what someone with say breast cancer would receive. So in that regard, mine was a lot easier. There were several things that concerned me about radiation and I shared many of those on here before. Namely, because of my age, it increases my risk of a secondary cancer. But after spending some time on my knees - okay, let's be honest, a great deal of time on my knees I have surrendered that to God and moved on. Really, what can I do about it? If I can't beat the first cancer, it does me no good to worry about a second one.

However, when I went in to do my "dry run" (yes, they actually do "radiation practice" before they start the real thing) they drew this thing that was the size of Texas on my chest and neck. They had said that it was going to be "spot" radiation. The only place this sucker could have been considered a "spot" is if it was on a horse.

So, again, I had to return to my knees for a great deal of prayer time. Finally I was able to surrender that over to God as well. (Are we picking up on a common theme here? Lots of knee time, lots of surrendering. The story of my life it seems.)

When you go for radiation you have to go everyday (except for weekends). So my treatments took 4 weeks. That was probably the biggest pain of it all. Trying to re-arrange my family's entire schedule just so I could have radiation each day.

At first, I noticed nothing. Then after a few days I began to feel a lump in my throat when I would try to swallow. It wasn't painful - I just had to work a little harder to get the food down. Then it started to really hurt. So, of course when you know it is going to hurt to eat you pretty much lose your appetite. For those of you who are thinking - she should of just cranked up the milk shakes - it hurt to swallow liquids too. Darn it.

However, you cannot lose more than 5 pounds when you are going through radiation or they start to get super cranky at you. Prior to starting radiation they make a mold thingy (I use terms like "thingy" when I don't know what they are really called) that you have to lay in when you get zapped (don't know the technical term here either) and so if you lose weight then you don't fit into your "mold thingy" anymore. Talk about getting stressed out every week when it was "weigh-in day". I ended up losing  6 pounds but they didn't yell at me too much.

It also burns your skin. Mine did not burn too badly. I did break out in blisters about a week or two after I was done. (The side effects of radiation continue to get worse after you are done for a few weeks before they get better - isn't that nice.) But my side effects where no where near what many go through. There was a dear sweet lady that was going through radiation for breast cancer right after me and her skin was literally purple she was burned so bad. It hurt me just looking at her and to this day I still hurt for her.

Finally, there is the fatigue. And that is what I am still dealing with. With the chemo/radiation combo it is going to just take some time for me to be back to my old self again. They guesstimated 6-8 months. So, we will see how it goes.

Sorry this one is so long. Talk to you soon!

Andrea

{All the Poor & Powerless}

I just wanted to share...

(If you watch it here on my blog you will want to scroll to the bottom and "mute" my other music. :-)

Now What?

One of the things that I am struggling with the most lately is with the question - now what? My diagnosis happened 9 months ago and I have been in treatment most of that time (with the exception of the small break I got between chemo and radiation) and my life is definitely not the same as it was 9 months ago. I am also definitely not the same person as well.

I let go of all of my ministry activities. I stopped every hobby that I enjoyed. I could no longer maintain friendships like I did before. I have described it as looking at my life and it is in all of these pieces. Yet, I don't even know where to begin to start picking these pieces up to put them back together.

I know that even if I tried I would never be able to turn things back to the way they were before and I am not saying that I even want to. However, it is like I am starting my life all over again.

For now, I am just soaking it all in. I hug my children a million times a day and just savor each and every moment with them. I am so grateful to be alive. I am so grateful to have this time with them. It is truly a joy and I wouldn't trade even one second of it. It will be interesting though to see what God does with me from here.

I am a Superstar!

One of the things I missed so very much when I was going through my treatment was actually cooking for my family. I had a wonderful network of friends that totally stepped into our lives and made sure my family had meal after meal covered for us. It was overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time and I will be forever grateful.

However, after 6 months of chemo every other week, I can tell that I really did miss cooking for my family. So, now that my treatment is behind me - I have just submerged myself back into being a wife and a mother  - and it. feels. wonderful!

Tonight I made homemade pizza which is one of my boys' all-time fav's. I make the crust from scratch and the whole nine yards. Part of the process of my baking and cooking is that my boys always help me. I think that is probably what I missed most about the cooking thing. It doesn't matter what I am making I will eventually hear the sound of my dining room chairs being brought in the kitchen. Before long, I will have all of them in there with me and I do my very best to come up with "jobs" that each of my boys can do. It never bothers me to have them in there with me - and I don't even mind the mess. :-)

It has always been my determination that by the time my boys leave home that they will be able to proficiently cook for themselves. I also feel like I will make some young lady extremely happy someday when she chooses to marry one of my sons to find out that he indeed knows his way around the kitchen. Back to the pizza....

So, tonight I made individual pan pizzas and they each got to create their own. They were loving it as they always do. My hubby asked the boys if they liked their pizza and they literally started hooping and hollering like they were at a rock concert. It was so funny - I started to laugh but then it got really funny.... my oldest, out of the blue, yells out, "She looked at me!" He sounded just like someone at some concert or event where the star actually looks at some fan in the audience. We all started laughing so hard because it was just so random and so funny all at the same time.

I was so grateful for the moment and I realized that I am a superstar - at least I am in my own home. Despite all my imperfections and shortcomings as a wife and a mother there are still four little people and one big person that looks at me and loves me just for who I am - their wife and mother. I am grateful for all that I have and I am grateful to be that "superstar" (even if it IS just over pizza) of my home because there is truly nowhere else I would rather be.

My Silence is Broken!

Most of you noticed that I have not blogged in a month and 2 days. Most of you also know that the month of October I was going through radiation. After one day of treatment it was abundantly clear that in order for me to make it through the month in one piece I would need to conserve in every way possible. So, my blogging was one of the things that needed to be placed on the back burner until I could get through my treatment.

I will tell you more about all of that later. But for now I just wanted to let you know that I am still alive and kicking. I am now done with my radiation and have been for about a week and a half. I am healing up nicely and ready to resume life in the fullest way possible.

Thank you for all of your prayers, thoughts, and well-wishes even though I wasn't keeping up on my updates. I am, and will be, forever grateful.

Blessings,
Andrea