10,000 Prayers... And Now He is Here

It is funny how life can change for you so quickly.
One minute you are are walking along one path and you look up to discover it has turned into a completely different path.
Like when you are a mom of 4 and then suddenly you realize that you are now a mom of 5.

On 8.7.14 we welcomed our newest addition to our family.

Caysen Johnse or as we call him, "Cayse".

He is amazing.

He came by complete surprise to us. Normally I don't care for surprises but he is by far the best one I have ever received... and I find myself just staring at him in awe.

He is 3 weeks old today - which have gone by in a blink of an eye despite my best efforts to soak up every moment.

I find myself kissing his little head over and over again.
As I did this a day or two ago I thought to myself, "I have probably kissed him 1,000 since he has been born."
Then I started thinking of how many prayers I said for this little boy before he finally arrived.
At first I thought that I had probably said 1,000 prayers as well... then, being the math geek that I am, I roughly counted the number of days since that winter day when I realized that I was pregnant... no... 1,000 wouldn't even come close to the number of times I prayed for this boy.

My prayer was often very simple.

Please God, keep him safe and healthy, safe and healthy, safe and healthy. Please God.

I would say that same thing over and over again countless times each day.

I don't know exactly how many times I prayed for him certainly but I am sure God does.
I am so abundantly thankful that he heard my prayers and answered by giving us this perfect little boy.

Welcome to the world sweet boy. You are so very loved.

Scan Results Part 2 - {The Details}

Okay, so this is a little blog catch up time. 
I actually wrote this last week on the day of my scan and for whatever reason I never posted it. 
But now I am going to. 
I like when things are fresh. 
They seem more real to me. 
Deeper. 
Raw. 
Even just a week later I read this and have already forgotten most of it. 
Anyway, here you go. 
Maybe it will be valuable to someone out there. 

{9.5.12}

Oh wow.
What a day.
I am literally exhausted but I cannot turn my brain off yet to go to sleep.

This morning was pretty rough.
I literally felt sick to my stomach.
And that is pretty unusual for me.

I wanted to believe so badly that everything was going to be okay.
And this is where it gets hard to explain.

I wanted to believe that everything was good.
That I was still cancer free.
But I couldn't 100% let my guard down.
I couldn't let myself get blindsided - just in case I received the news that I did not want to hear.
I had to be able to maintain my composure and my strength for my family.
I couldn't fall apart in front of my children.
I had to be strong for them and reassure them that it was all going to be okay no matter what.
That is all I could think about.
Them. Them. Them.

As we drove into town I was thankful for our long drive.
The beautiful morning.
Our mountains.
And our radio station.
Some incredible music played and really put my heart at ease.

We arrived and I said my hellos to the many familiar faces.
They have to be some of the nicest people on the planet that work at the cancer center.
How they do it day in an day out I do not know.

They called me back to the room.
They took my blood pressure.
137/86 - not so good.
And I was trying to stay calm.

Soon after Dr. O came in.
He is so awesome.
He knows we are believers and openly talks to us about that.
He is just a nice man all around.
He asks about my kids each and every time.
Then he shares about his own kids.
If I weren't there for the reason that I am, it would almost seem fun.

Then he gets to my scan results.

You are stable - he said.

That, my friends, is a very good thing in the cancer world.
Later on he mentioned that the spot in my chest (an enlarged lymph node) that they are watching actually appears to be getting smaller.
That is the second scan where they have found that to be true.
Thank you God!

We talked some more about this and that.
I just really felt so much joy.
So much relief.
There are just not words.

From there I went to doctor #2.
Said my hellos in that office.
They took my blood pressure again.
(Not even an hour later.)
119/72
Ummm..... yeah... just a wee bit stressed before.

I received a confirmation from this doc's office on the scan results.
And they set me up for my next round.

Blood work in 3 months.
Full body scan in 6 months.
That is when I will have to drink the liquid chalk. Yum.
But we will worry about that in 6 months.
Not today.

I will then have two more scans after that 6 months apart and then we will hopefully "graduate" to the once a year gig.
That would be nice.

As I left the docs office J and the kids were in the parking lot waiting for me.
They had the windows down and I could hear them cheering for their mama.
Brings tears to my eyes even now.
Even my baby girl was cheering.

How sweet they are.
They got caught up in all this ugly mess and had to watch their mom go through the lowest of lows.
Yet, they keep cheering me on.
That is why I fought to hard.
That is why I continue to fight.
My husband and my children are my purpose.
And I will continue to fight for them until my last breath.

I am so thankful for them and the way they stood by my side.

feeling yucky.

I had my scan today.
Barely.
Something about a change in the system and needing to be authorized - which takes 4 days.
Which I wasn't.

Thought for a minute there it was going to be rescheduled.
Again.

But some very dedicated and kind ladies went above and beyond and made it happen.
They. Are. Awesome!

But now I feel totally yucky because of the iodine they inject you with.
Gross.

They have to do it twice for me.
(I am such an over achiever.)

Basically my scans are far enough a part that I forget about how bad it makes me feel.
So, the first time you are like - wow, that wasn't so good.
But then...
Then you get to lay there and anticipate the second injection.
Did I say gross already?

It's awful.
Plus, you feel like you are peeing your pants.
Awesome.
Didn't know if you knew that or not - or even wanted to know that.
But now you do.

No, I am not joking.
As the iodine travels through your body it totally makes you feel like you are just a peeing a way.
TMI?

Thank goodness they warned me about it the first time I had one of these done or it would have been even more awkward.
Can you imagine?
Um... excuse me... I think I just peed all over and I have no idea why.

Alright, I will get off that topic.
Oh, the tales of cancer.

Anyway, back to me feeling yucky :-)
So, we've established I feel yucky.

The other day a lady sent me a note.
She was having a really bad day.
And I told her when I have days like that I just start to think of all the blessings I have in my life and it makes me feel better.
So, I am going to follow my own advise.

I am blessed that I even woke up this morning and was even able to take another breath.
I am blessed to have the wonderful husband that I have.
That we will be celebrating another anniversary tomorrow.
I am blessed to have the four beautiful children that I have.
That they love their mama the way they do.
I am blessed to have the rest of the family that I have.
My forever friends too.
I am blessed to have the energy that I have.
To be able to do what I love every day.
I am so blessed by the continual grace that God gives me - even though I don't deserve it.

The simple fact remains that I would choose to feel like this every minute of every day if it meant that I could watch my children grow up and grow old with my husband.

This is but a grain of sand in a sandy beach of eternal life but I plan on experiencing as much of this grain of sand that I possibly can.

So, I am going to put my big girl boots on, suck it up and stop whining.

Thanks for reading.

So, How Did Your Week Go?

How did my week go?

Thanks for asking...

Well, that's an interesting question... 

Normally I kind of prefer a pass/fail kind of evaluation.

But I really don't know if I my heart can take that kind of rejection right now.

However, there is a glass half full/glass half empty scenario I could easily apply here. 

For example, if emails were an indication of my success or failure in my week it would scream fail to most.

I currently have 316 unread emails in my inbox.. oh wait, 317. Please, no one else email me until I finish this blog! 

And that is just the unread ones, I am too ashamed to tell you how many "read" emails I have that still need some sort of "action" on my behalf. {sigh}

Yeah, I don't even want to hear from any of you who have like 5 whole emails in your inbox, alphabetized and starred accordingly. Or those who say, I never go to bed with anything in my inbox. 

I know you are out there. 

Back to my cup half full scenario. At some point in the week - can't tell you which day because it is really all one giant blurrrrrrr - but there were over 500 emails just sitting their patiently waiting to be read. So, I think I battled back quite nicely because I get at least 100 emails a day - usually more. (Glass half full!!! ;-)

Wait, you don't get 100 emails a day? 

How do you get on that list?

How did I get on this email tangent?

Don't answer that. 

Back to my week...

First, homeschooling a whatever-grade-my-oldest-son-is-in. 

(This is homeschool language for when your child is like doing 6 different grade levels or when your child is smarter than you - not going to reveal which one this situation applies to.)

My first grader. 

My pre-kindergarten/kindergartner (more homeschool talk for when a mom isn't quite ready to accept that her 4 year old [to be 5 in 3 weeks] is doing kindergarten schoolwork). 

All with a precious two year old - who constantly loves to explore her boundaries right now -little girl. (Translation - she constantly tries to test her mother and quickly throws a temper tantrum any time her boundaries and mommies boundaries don't get along.) 

And that was just the first day....

My oldest is playing volleyball and I am also coaching - which I love - don't get me wrong. 

I truly love having that special time with him.  

But it always amazes me how much energy it takes to coach. 

One plus - I don't have to work out on volleyball days because I totally get my work out in while I am there. (Glass half full!!! ;-)

God has also decided to bless me with some work right now. Awesome! I think...

No, in all seriousness... Things are good. 

However, it is a new season. 

One of adjustment.

Change.

Adaptation.

And. Joy.

The joy of the new milestones we are accomplishing as a family.

The joy of me being here to witness and be apart of these milestones. 

The joy of just being alive...

So what if I have 317 emails, err 320 emails. 

So what if I don't do everything perfectly.

Or don't get everything crossed of my checklist. 

I know in my life those aren't the things that matters most....

This is...

And I wouldn't trade {THIS} for anything.
Thank.You.God.

As a lady once told me - relationships are the only thing you can take with you.

Where ever you are in life and however the week for you... I hope that it was half full for you too.

Blessings.

Farewell July - You Will Be Missed!

I can't believe that we are already through July.
Over halfway through 2012.
Over halfway through the summer.

It seems like you just blink and the days are gone.

July was good for us.
July was good for me.

July marked the first month I have had any energy at all since my diagnosis 18 months ago.
July marked our Independence Day as a nation.
But Independence Day also marked 6 months of remission for me.

July marked my 33rd birthday.
A birthday I feel so blessed to have been here for.
The day after my birthday also marked my one year anniversary since my last chemo treatment. 

July also meant family trips to the lake and carload nights at the drive-in.
Good times on a budget - my favorite.

July meant rain, which our state so desperately needed.
And watching my boys play in it without a care in the world.

July meant service and sacrifice as my hubby and oldest set out on a mission trip.

Sadly, July also meant tragedy in the state I call home.
First with the wildfires in Colorado Springs.
Then with the Aurora shooting.
Our hearts continually go out to all those who have been affected.

July meant memories and lots of them.

I am grateful for this July and more importantly, the blessing that God provided in it for my family.
I am continually humbled by his goodness and grace in my life.

~{***}~

I hope your July was just as good as mine was. If you get a minute, drop me a note and let me know about your month.

Blessings,
Andrea

The Blessing of Friends

I am blessed to be married to my very best friend. I know that sadly not everyone can say that and so it makes me cherish this relationship even more. There is no one else I would rather spend my time with than my husband. He is the one that knows me inside and out and the one person that I can always be completely honest with and I know he will never judge me or stop loving me. I thank God for him and our relationship each and every day.

However, there are times when you need other friends too. The past few weeks have been filled with one heart breaking situation after another. It seems like there were only a couple of days in there that we didn't get a call due to another crisis. I can't even begin to tell you all of the issues we were dealing with (and by "we" I mean mostly Jason and my very small supporting roll). But I could see the toll that these issues were taking on my husband. He loves the kids that he works with so much that it literally breaks his heart to see them hurting and going through such hard things. Normally he handles these things really well - far better than I ever could that is for sure. But when there are so many things happening at once it is hard for even him to bounce back over and over again.

Yesterday was his day off and I remember asking him how long it was going to be before we would "get him back". By that I mean that his mind could truly be in the moment and not off thinking of the many different problems he is dealing with. Don't get me wrong, I hurt for these situations too but for me to continue to press on during the week without my husband I really need to have some time with my husband on his day off.

I knew he was trying really hard but I also knew that this situation needed some extra help. So, I reached out to one of his friends and I asked if he would take my hubby shooting. For those of you who don't know J he LOVES to shoot. He shot competition for a number of years and it is a huge release for him. His friend was more than willing to take him and so that is what they did for 2 hours yesterday - they had "man time". Did they talk about the issues that J has been dealing with - no. They probably didn't even talk much at all knowing them. But that isn't what J needed.

Isn't it funny how different guys are from girls. Us girls have to talk about EVERYTHING. Process. Process. Process. Guys - not so much.

Anyway, I am so thankful for the blessing of good friends in our life. For the people we can call in a moments notice and know that they will be there for us. They are truly gifts from God and we treasure each and every one of you.

{I thank my God every time I remember you.} 

Philippians 1:3

Resentment...

As you have probably noticed, I have been quiet on here lately. It has been nearly 2 weeks since my last post. I know there have been a few reasons why....

1.) I was just tired of writing about cancer. I was tired of thinking about it - even in a positive light of being past it and being cancer-free. And I kind of feel like you might be tired of reading about it too. I could be wrong.

It has been a year since this disease entered my life and it is definitely something that I want to put behind me completely. Yes, I will use the knowledge, compassion, and experience I have gained from it and do my best to help others. I acknowledge that I will never ever be the same - but beyond that, I do not want it to be the focus of my life.

I hear so often people say that they are grateful they had cancer. I am not one of those people. I think, "good for them" if it transformed their life in such a way. If they found salvation because they went through cancer then praise God for that. If their life was impacted in such a positive way that they can live by that statement - then I am honestly happy for them. I am just not one of those people.

I could have gone through my entire life without the experience of cancer and been perfectly happy. I do have resentment of what the cancer took from me. The precious time with my children, my "normal" life, my energy... but then I realize that is a very dangerous place to live. When we let that resentment camp out in our hearts it can be more destructive than we can possibly imagine. So, then I have to shift the paradigm of my thinking to what I know is real...

I know that it is real that there were blessings throughout my treatment. For example, I have met so many wonderful people and I will be able to cherish their friendship for the rest of my life. In fact, I was at a worship night at our church last night and one sweet girl that I met and have grown close to because of my cancer was there. She gave me a hug and told me that she loved me. My heart immediately went into a condition of thankfulness - yes, for the cancer. For if I would have not gone through that I would not have this delightful person in my life today. And there are countless people that fall into that category.

I have been able to reconnect with old friends from years and years gone by. Who knows why we fall out of touch and really who cares. The important thing is that we are able to draw near to those in our life, lift each other up, and just love one another no matter where we are at in our own lives.

I could really go on and on. No, I am not thankful for the cancer. I don't have a pillow with the saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and a purple ribbon sitting on my bed. What I do have is a grateful heart that even though I went through the darkest time of my life - God never left me and even more amazingly - HE BLESSED ME!

He didn't just get me through it - he gave me gifts of love and provisions beyond my wildest dreams. He gave me family, friends, a church family, and a community that tenderly cared for me when I could not care for myself. No, I am not grateful for the cancer. But I am grateful for what God gave me in the midst of it. Those things I will cherish always.

I know I said there were other reasons I have been absent lately but I think this is enough for today. I am teary eyed upon my reflections and that is always a good place to stop. I will write more about this later... and I will try to make that sooner than later.

Blessings,
Andrea

{inspired'11}: Day 2 - What is my highlight of 2011?

{inspired'11}


day.2

{My Prompt Response}


l {What was the highlight of your 2011 and why was it so great?} l

I am not going to lie…. 2011 has been a very hard year for our family. I think I can comfortably say that it has been the hardest year in fact. However, on a rainy day it is impossible to miss the rainbow that God so beautifully displays for us all to see. It serves as a constant reminder of his promise that indeed everything will be okay.

As I battled this year for the most basic thing….to live…. I too could not miss the MANY rainbows that God placed before me. To pick just one highlight for 2011 would be impossible. I think that 2011, in fact, was the highlight itself - perhaps the highlight of my entire existence here on earth thus far.

The ministry that God personally completed in my own heart was astounding. I find myself more focused than ever. I find myself knowing exactly what God has called me to do. I find myself with a certainty of what my purpose is in this world. I find myself with sheer and defining convictions that are no longer muddied by the world’s expectations.

I also watched amazing things happen within my family. I watched my boys bond to an even greater level. I watched them mature and grow in their own faith. I had the privilege of a front row seat as God extended their wisdom, grace, and love. I watched how they helped take care of one another and how they doddled over their baby sister. I guarantee there is no greater joy in this mother’s heart than to witness these changes in her own children.

Yes, things were so hard. They were beyond words hard. I remember telling Jason that I could really imagine what dying felt like because I hurt that bad. I am beyond grateful to God for giving me the will to live for without that I would have given up long ago.

I remember feeling such elated joy as I finished chemo and then even more so upon finishing radiation. It was like I could finally exhale the breath I had been holding for 9 months and say – It. Is. Finished. I also quickly realized that I would have never felt that ecstatic joy if I wouldn’t have gone through the trial itself.

What was your highlight of 2011?

You can post your comments below (even anonymously) or you can email them to me at andreagressman (at) gmail.com  

To view the other {inspired'11} prompts check below:

day.1

{Thankfulness}....6 Things I Am Truly {Thankful} For

For those who know me best - you have probably noticed that I have not written about being {thankful} yet, despite it being the theme for this wonderful month. I honestly have been trying... I have started several posts. But I have so many things to be thankful for that it seemed impossible to do this subject any justice.

So, here is a feeble attempt to cover some of the things that I am so thankful for. I know I will not be able to cover it all but it is at least a start...

1. {God.} 

For those of you who are reading this - I have no idea if you believe in God or not. But for me, there is no other way but the way of the Lord. He has blessed me so abundantly - even when I did not deserve it (which is most of the time :-). I would not have survived all that I have in my life if it weren't for His grace, mercy and love.

     2.  {My Husband.} 

One of the greatest blessings that God has given me is the man that I call my husband.  He has seen me at my absolute worst and still loves me anyway. He has continually put himself last time and time again to take care of me, our children, his ministry, and everything else God has called him to do.

There are no words to describe how this man has loved me so well. He has held me when my body has hurt so badly I thought I would crawl out of my skin. He has sat by my side as I have gotten sick time and time again. He has rubbed my feet and hands for hours because he knew it made me feel just a little bit better. My husband has not just loved me with words, he has loved me with is actions, his selflessness and unconditional giving. I am so truly thankful for him each and every day. If I could choose all over again - I would DEFINITELY choose him. :-)

     3.  {My Children.} 

There are no words to describe how much I love my children and how thankful I am for them. I could literally write a book just about my kids. Probably 4 of them - one for each of them. :-) I am overwhelmed that God chose me to be their mother. I am truly honored.

Each of my children are so different and I am thankful for that as well. I love witnessing how uniquely God has made each of them. I love watching their gifts and their talents grow and develop and I can't wait to see how God ends up using each of them.

I am thankful for each day, each hour, each minute, and each second with them. One of the most heartbreaking parts of my diagnosis was not knowing how many of these I would have left. In all honesty - none of us know how much time we have left and I am determined not to squander mine on things that do not matter. My children matter.

 When each of them give me those special hugs throughout the day I find myself squeezing them for another second - soaking up the cherished moment. There is no place I would rather be. :-)

     4.  {Our Family.}

We are very blessed to live so close to so much of our family. They are there in a moments notice. They have definitely filled the gaps these last few months where we fell short. Their love for us is amazing and we are so thankful for it.

They are key fixtures in my children's lives. The time they get to spend with them is truly precious. The things that they learn from each of them and the memories that they are able to create are priceless and I know they will carry them with them for all of their days.

     5.   {My Friends.} 

Wow. Where do I begin? Thank you to my friends who have loved me even when I was unlovable. Thank you to my friends who stood by my side no matter what. Some of you came to my house and scrubbed my floors. Some of you sat there by my side while they injected me with my chemo cocktail. You called and left messages even though you knew I was too weak to return them. You sent emails even though you knew I was too tired to reply. You cooked for my family when I could not. You took care of my children when I had no energy to do so. You listened to me when I complained and felt sorry for myself. You read my blog. :-) You gave me grace. You were my friend even though I couldn't be your friend back. I am SO thankful for you. You are a true treasure. (You know who you are.)

     5.   {Our Church Body.}

There are no words to describe the love and support that our church family and friends have given us. They have stood by our sides through loss and sickness, through broken arms and ER visits. They have met us on this road called life countless times and they have helped us to keep moving forward, closer to the cross all the while growing closer to our Lord Jesus.

     6.    {Our Community.} 

The support we have received from our community has been overwhelming. People that I do not even know personally will stop me and ask me my name. They will then say something like, "I have been praying for you," or "I have been reading your blog." They hear our story from a variety of ways - our family, our friends, friends of friends. They take time out of their lives to follow our journey and truly care and for that I will be forever grateful.

So, I have to tell you this was not an easy one to write. It was very emotional for me to think of these  and try to put into words how I feel about each of them. This is only a small piece of all that I am thankful for and, like I said, I could go on and on but I will spare you from that.

I am thankful for you - all who read this as well. You have allowed me to process all of the emotions and feelings that I could have so easily stuffed down deep somewhere. You have supported me and I am grateful.

Blessings,
Andrea

Now What?

One of the things that I am struggling with the most lately is with the question - now what? My diagnosis happened 9 months ago and I have been in treatment most of that time (with the exception of the small break I got between chemo and radiation) and my life is definitely not the same as it was 9 months ago. I am also definitely not the same person as well.

I let go of all of my ministry activities. I stopped every hobby that I enjoyed. I could no longer maintain friendships like I did before. I have described it as looking at my life and it is in all of these pieces. Yet, I don't even know where to begin to start picking these pieces up to put them back together.

I know that even if I tried I would never be able to turn things back to the way they were before and I am not saying that I even want to. However, it is like I am starting my life all over again.

For now, I am just soaking it all in. I hug my children a million times a day and just savor each and every moment with them. I am so grateful to be alive. I am so grateful to have this time with them. It is truly a joy and I wouldn't trade even one second of it. It will be interesting though to see what God does with me from here.

{My Birthday...}

My  birthday was wonderful. It was so awesome to just spend time with my family. I love watching my boys when they give me their gifts - their faces are priceless. My boys took me to breakfast at one of our favorite little breakfast stops and then my hubby took me to a quiet lunch just him and I! 

Then it was on to the park where Jason had a lovely feast of BBQ chicken, sweet corn, and all of the fixin's planned. However, we do live in Colorado so things don't always go as planned. 

Jason was able to get this photo of me....

And I had time to take this picture which I think is so cute!

And then this hit.....

(No, this wasn't edited in any way....)

And we had about 30 seconds to get everything packed up and out of there before the downpour hit!

We didn't make it.

If it would have been any other birthday we would have rain-checked the whole thing but because it was my last good day before my chemo treatment the next day I wasn't about to give up so easily.

So, being the super flexible, go-with-the-flow people we are... we moved it to a restaurant.

The Deitch Haus is really the only restaurant that I can think of that can accommodate a family of our size as my parents, Jason's parents, my grandparents, Jason's grandma, my brother and sisters were all going. :-) (Hopefully I didn't forget anyone - sorry if I did.) Then you have all our kids.....LOL! The  Deitch Haus is amazing! I would eat there everyday for lunch if I could.
They have THE. BEST. SALAD BAR. EVER!
It is definitely the best salad bar in the Montrose/Delta area anyway.

And these are just a few of the {memories} that we created...

 

I am so {blessed}.

Emotions are Running High!

This past week has been super emotional for me. Every time I sat down to blog I would start getting teary eyed and just not wanting to face the emotion of it all I would find myself wondering off to do something else. The emotion is not bad - what we have gone through is very emotional. I have had times where I have laughed and times that I have cried - and I am so thankful that I am alive to do both. But when you have a husband and 3 boys who are very tuned into their wife and mother - if they see me crying they immediately want to rush in a fix what is wrong and this isn't something that can be fixed.

I can't even tell you why I am so emotional. Maybe because I am at the end and I have been waiting and dreaming of this all to be over for nearly 6 long months. Maybe it is because I am scared that this next chemo treatment will be worse than the last one and I don't want to go through that again - EVER! Maybe it is because I am afraid the cancer really isn't gone and they will deliver me the news that I will need more treatments - or worse. I find myself thinking about that and holding my breath slightly - hoping for the best but still fearing the worst.

Anyway, I am also super emotional because my friend Autumn came over on Thursday and dropped off meals galore to get us through this next chemo treatment (Wednesday). She had called in the troops and they filled our freezer with the most amazing meals. That probably makes me the most emotional. Despite the fact that I usually can't eat that much during my treatments and my taste-buds are completely dead.... my friends are taking care of my family while I can't and that brings so much joy to my heart it is truly overwhelming. It is overwhelming because they know my heart is for my family and they know that if they are taken care of that I will rest easier which will allow my recovery to come much sooner. Through that I feel so loved....thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all you have done to love on me but more importantly for loving on my family.

I really feel like God is just clearly reminding me how very blessed I am. As I watched the fireworks - one of my very favorite holidays - I just soaked it all up. I was so thankful to be able to experience that once again with my family. As I have my birthday coming up tomorrow for the first time since my early twenties I am truly grateful to be turning another year older. (Yeah, I never thought that would happen.) And for those of you who are secretly wondering how old I am and are just too polite to ask (for all of you who aren't my Facebook friends where it is so glaringly displayed) I will be 32 and I am very very proud of it. (Here I go again with the tears...)

{14 Days}....and Counting!

First of all I need to share some blessings of mine today. I had many. Some very good friends stopped by and saw me at the cancer center. I always feel so blessed the people take time out of their schedules to come see me. It just means so much and it makes the 6 hours I spend there go by much faster too!

Then, my dear sweet friend Autumn brought our family dinner for tonight while I was at the center and she made me (yes, I am using the term "me" - I haven't all together decided whether or not I will share this with the rest of the fam or not) this incredible strawberry shortcake dessert. In fact, I am eating right now and it is so good. I can actually taste it. Nothing can perk you up from chemo like strawberry shortcake! Thanks Autumn!

I was also blessed because my kids were able to go to my friend Georgia's house today which they have been missing like crazy. They got to play with their 3 little friends and Georgia was able to play with the baby. I don't know who has more fun - the kids or Georgia playing with the baby. I just feel so blessed to have friends and family (and the friends who have turned into family) that we have. I love you all. 

I even think my little eye spied Miss Rissa there. (She is the babysitter that Georgia and I share.) Technically she is our babysitter first because we found her.... just kidding. Miss Rissa has a big enough heart to love us all - and there is no doubt in my mind that she does love us and we love her dearly too! 

Anyway, I feel abundantly blessed today even though I have chemo on the brain and my body is super tired. 14 days and counting until my last treatment! And then, as Autumn so frequently reminds me... we are going to party like it is 1999! Yes, you are now going to have that song stuck in your head all night....:-) 

Happy Birthday Grandad!

Yesterday was my Grandad's birthday. I have been so blessed because I have been able to spend so much time around my grandparents my whole life! In fact, from the time I was about 13 to when I left home I actually lived right across the road from them. I loved that so much and cherish those memories.

I have so many great memories of my grandparents and just their unconditional love and support. One of my favorite memories of my grandad was during my senior year in high school. He loved to watch me play any kind of sport but especially basketball. Not only did he make every single game (no matter what town it was in) he also made every single practice! Now that is true love when you sit in a stinky gym 2 hours a day every single night!

I also remember a time that we went to play in Denver and he told me that he wasn't going to be able to make it over. I am warming up for the game and all of the sudden I see him walk into the gym. He just couldn't stay home so he caught a ride with one of the other parents. Isn't that the sweetest thing ever!

His support meant so much to me then and it still means so much to me now. On Sundays Jason usually leaves by 7am to go to work and usually doesn't get home until around 9:30-10:00pm after youth group. On the Sundays after my chemo treatments my grandparents usually come out for part of the day to help me with the kids. I know it is very hard for them to see me go through this - I can see it in their eyes. Parents and grandparents think they are sneaky and can hide things from their kids/grandkids - but that only works when the kids/grandkids are young. I can see their pain but yet - they come anyway.

Happy Birthday Grandad! I love you dearly and just feel so blessed to be your grandaughter. Thank you for always being so wonderful.

Day 44: My Little Men

One of the greatest joys of my life are my children. I am pretty sure you have all pretty much picked up on that by now as I talk about them continually. I know that in my life I was called to be a wife and a mother. These two rolls are my first ministry. I am grateful for the opportunity to be both.

Back to my children... tonight Jason had a worship night planned at the church so I stayed home with the kids. At one point I got pretty tired and decided to lay down for a minute to regain my strength. I asked Cale and Ky to play with their sister for a few minutes so I could do that. All three boys are just so good with her but especially the older two. They really adore her. Cale says all the time how much he is going to miss her when he leaves home.....(in 7 more years - he is definitely my one who plans ahead).

Anyway, I could hear them playing with her. Cale kept coming in to check on me and I began to suspect that something else was going on. Finally, he came in and said that whenever I was ready I could come out and see a surprise for me. When I went out into the living room they had picked up all the toys for me and straightened up. He then had gone through the fridge and found stuff to put together as a dinner. We had ham and potatoes. He and his brother had set the table and got everything ready for me. It was so sweet and I couldn't help but to think what wonderful husbands they will make someday. How blessed am I to have these little men in my life.

Day 12: Remembering God

So, we went to church yesterday for Saturday night service and our pastor was so funny. He was talking about how he journaled like a "dude" using bullet points in his "man book". I can't help but to laugh even now thinking about it. I realized from his sermon that as much as he "journals" like a "dude", I very much blog like a chick. :-)

Anyway, he went on to talk about a lot of other good stuff. He talked about "remembering God" and what God has done for you in the past to get you through trials in the future. I just had to pause for a moment because that is exactly what has gotten me through this so far. I have lost a great deal in my life. I am not saying it is more or less than the next person but it has still left its mark on my heart.

I have been very open about our struggles to have our children, losing 5 babies in the process. Yet, God was faithful in giving us each of our children that we get to hold in our arms today. Each of them, their own puzzle piece to my heart, completely unique and completely irreplaceable. I can tell you in the time of each loss though I didn't understand, very much like how I don't understand why I have cancer today. I don't ask why I have cancer, I just don't understand the big picture yet, I hope that makes sense.

At the time of each loss, all I felt was the pain at first and then moment by moment God continued to reveal and remind me of His love. Finally, I would understand. For example, if we would have had our baby boy in 2009, we would have never had Kearyn. That is a certainty, as it would have been physically impossible. At the time, there isn't anything that would have caused me to give up my baby boy, even the promise of Kearyn. But now, I can't imagine it being any different as she has truly completed our family and not because she is a girl but because she is Kearyn.  

As I said before, I don't know why I am going through cancer at 31 years of age with four little ones at home. I don't know why I will have to go through chemo for 4-6 months and feel yucky more often than not. But I do know God has the big picture all mapped out. It is my job to be obedient in my faith putting one foot in front of the other even on the hard days.

I would like to think that maybe someone will be led to Christ through my story or perhaps someone's faith becomes deeper or more real to them. The thoughts of those things help me get through the tough moments as well. Ultimately, I realize those things aren't up to me. It is my job to teach and plant the seeds that God calls me to, it is His job to save, and that person's job to believe. We all must do our part in order for the big picture to become visible.

How I Feel:
I felt pretty good today. I just get tired easily and have to take frequent naps. I am thankful that I have so much help and support right now to keep all the pieces of our family going. We are truly blessed.

Prayer Request:
Please continue to pray for the health of our family.

Funny of the Day:
This will probably only make sense if you have or had little ones... Jason was feeding the baby and doing the classic airplane thing with the spoon to get her to take her final bites. (You pretend the spoon is an airplane and make the little noises and pretend to "fly" into the baby's mouth.) Later on, Creide was eating and he started doing the airplane spoon to himself. It was so funny! I guess maybe you had to be there.