{14 Days}....and Counting!

First of all I need to share some blessings of mine today. I had many. Some very good friends stopped by and saw me at the cancer center. I always feel so blessed the people take time out of their schedules to come see me. It just means so much and it makes the 6 hours I spend there go by much faster too!

Then, my dear sweet friend Autumn brought our family dinner for tonight while I was at the center and she made me (yes, I am using the term "me" - I haven't all together decided whether or not I will share this with the rest of the fam or not) this incredible strawberry shortcake dessert. In fact, I am eating right now and it is so good. I can actually taste it. Nothing can perk you up from chemo like strawberry shortcake! Thanks Autumn!

I was also blessed because my kids were able to go to my friend Georgia's house today which they have been missing like crazy. They got to play with their 3 little friends and Georgia was able to play with the baby. I don't know who has more fun - the kids or Georgia playing with the baby. I just feel so blessed to have friends and family (and the friends who have turned into family) that we have. I love you all. 

I even think my little eye spied Miss Rissa there. (She is the babysitter that Georgia and I share.) Technically she is our babysitter first because we found her.... just kidding. Miss Rissa has a big enough heart to love us all - and there is no doubt in my mind that she does love us and we love her dearly too! 

Anyway, I feel abundantly blessed today even though I have chemo on the brain and my body is super tired. 14 days and counting until my last treatment! And then, as Autumn so frequently reminds me... we are going to party like it is 1999! Yes, you are now going to have that song stuck in your head all night....:-) 

Chemo #11....Plus a Funny of the Day

So, I am laying here (literally) after having my 11th treatment today. I feel quite haggard to be very honest with you. After coming home I ended up sleeping for several hours. Then when I woke up I was so weak that I could barely lift my arms and legs. I also started suffering from nausea and acid reflux that makes all my pregnancies look like a picnic at the park.

I took all my medication - one to cover one symptom and then others to cover the side-effects of that pill and that goes on and on it seems. Prior to this I rarely took pills of any kind - even a Tylenol for a headache. Look at me now! Soon it will be over and the pills will hopefully be gone for good.

The next 3 days will be rough. I get my immunity booster shot tomorrow and it will take me out for at least 24 hours. Sunday or Monday I should be feeling better (hopefully).

This is my 2nd to the last one. So close to the end. I am so determined to get this done and over with. I want my life back.  :-)

Thanks for all your prayers and support.

Blessings!
Andrea

P.S. Okay, I have a "Funny of the Day" for you..... My 11-year-old is a book-aholic. He reads every minute that he can. So, we were going to the store recently to get diapers and other things to prepare for my down week and my son asks, "Can I take my book in and read while we are walking around?" Yes, he was dead serious and for those of you who know him I am sure you are not surprised. I got such a kick out of this.

Together Again...

Sorry I have not posted in a few days. This past week was a bit different for our family. Jason was on a mission trip (which went amazingly well I have to add) and the boys were busy doing their thing and so it was just the baby and I for a bit - which was amazing as well. 

But as we all came back together again we really tried to soak up the family time before my next treatment.....the second to last.... It seems like I am so close to being done. 

2 weeks and 1 day until my last treatment. 2 weeks and 1 day... It seems like such a short amount of time but my body will have so much work to do between now and then. Don't get me wrong, I know I can do it and I know I will do it. Now it is just a matter of walking it out. 

Anyway, I will post more a little later. I have had many revelations in the past week or so that I want to share. God has been doing a mighty work in my own heart and that has been exciting. 

Hope you all are having a delightful summer so far and I will talk to you soon!

Blessings

Children: Planting Seed & Plucking Weeds

Who knew being a parent would be so exhausting! Now before I start hearing hoops and hollers from the grandparents out there telling me "I told you so!"....or "Now you see what we went through!" I actually did know parenting was exhausting. You see, I was 12 before my first sister was born and so I had a birds eye view of exactly what my parents went through in those early years. And you should have seen my sister! (Just kidding Audra.) She was a tad bit of a handful - not very nice to our little brother at all. I use to take her everywhere though. I just adored her - in fact, people actually thought she was my baby which I became highly offended at that suggestion.

Anyway, by the time I had my first child I had no false illusions to what parenthood would be like. I knew about the sleepless nights and all of that business. God did throw me a curve ball when he blessed me with a special needs baby. My oldest son was born with a condition called Pierre-Robin Sequence. It is a lot to explain for this blog but the main element at that time was that he couldn't breath on his own so at 5 days old they had to put a tracheotomy tube in so he could actually breath. He had that for 14 months. During those 14 months he also had 3 more surgeries. (He has had 6 total as of now.)

Those of you who know my oldest son and didn't know about his early struggles are probably sitting there with jaws dropped open. If you saw him today you would never know that he had any issues except for a faded scar just above his shirt neckline. He is a brilliant boy who just announced a few weeks ago that he feels God is calling him to be a biblical historian. Yeah, he is 11 and I am pretty sure he is smarter than me but please don't tell him that. :-)

Anyway, my oldest - despite his medical issues, was a wonderful baby and toddler. He was so good and sweet, I hardly had to discipline him and I usually just had to explain to him why something was wrong and that was all it took. This is a child who told Jason when he was 3, "Dad, can I have a conversation with you?" Yeah, talk about intimidating for Jason!

Then my second son came along. From the very beginning he was a bit more of a handful. You would ask him to hand you something and he would throw it at you. And it wasn't some light toss. He has definitely inherited his dad's baseball arm and wasn't afraid to use it. He was a pretty chunky little thing and the doctor told me, "Oh, he won't roll or crawl on time." Yeah, he started rolling at 3 months, sat up by 5 months, crawled at 6 months, took his first steps at 7 months, and was running by 11 months. Then we hit the 2's and 3's and I did not think I would survive. Our 2nd and 3rd boy are 22 months apart and I often joke that if they wouldn't have been so close together that we would not have had our #3 or #4 child. Thank God for his wisdom!

Anyway, I have several friends that are a bit further along in their parenting journey that I really look at as mentors for how I want to parent my children. It was one of these dear sweet friends who told me "you're plucking weeds and planting seeds - just keep bringing him back to the cross and he will eventually get it." And she was right - he did. In fact, it was like it happened overnight. He just mellowed. Shortly after this I took him to my mom's house for a bit and when I picked him up I asked if she noticed how mellow he was. She said yes - she thought he was sick. Other family members asked us for 3 months if he was sick or not because "he just did not act himself." Now, he is the sweetest boy and wouldn't think of chucking something at me just to be spiteful. I no longer worry about him being arrested before he is 12. He is so sweet with his baby sister and I know he is going to make some lucky girl very happy someday. He will be a wonderful husband and father.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately on my journey as a mom. I adore my kids so much and even on the hard days I wouldn't trade it for anything. Especially on the chemo days and the days after when I don't feel like I am even being a mom, I wouldn't trade it - because at least I can see what I am fighting for. God has used my children in so many ways - they have truly been such an inspiration to me. There isn't a minute that goes by where I don't thank God for allowing me to be a mom and especially to these four little people who call me mommy.

As I go into these last 2 treatments I am already praying for strength. I know they will be tough but as I hear my children's voices echo through our house they will make it bearable and I will endure. And suddenly I realize that all along my children have also been planting seeds and plucking weeds in my own heart as well.

I thank you God for my 4 beautiful children - each of them so uniquely made by you. Thank you for choosing me to be their mommy. I feel so very blessed and just in awe of the gifts that you have given me. I pray for all of the other mommies and daddies out there right now who may be going through a tough time. Whether it is a toddler going through his 2's or a teenager going through their own set of struggles I pray that you provide them the wisdom and strength to get through it. Please encourage them in their journey and reassure them that they are plucking weeds and planting seeds. ~ Amen

Our Impromptu Father's Day

The thing we have discovered on this journey is that you can't take anything for granted. Each chemo treatment has been so different for me. Sometimes I can get out of bed on Saturday (treatment is always on Wednesday), sometimes that doesn't happen until Monday. For the most part now I know what to expect and when to expect it. I know that if I push too fast I will pay for it the next day. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how badly I want to do something my body just won't let me. So, we don't plan much on my treatment weeks - which come around like clockwork every other week. This past week was a chemo week as well as Father's Day and we didn't plan anything. However, when Jason got home from church that afternoon I had a burst of energy. We decided to grab a bite to eat at a local diner about 10 minutes from our house. 

This diner happens to be my grandad's favorite hangout. On most afternoons you can find him there having coffee with his buddies. Even in his 70's he is super social. This is totally off the subject but my mom told me a story the other day of a man showing my grandad photos of some gold that he had found panning or something like that. Grandad, in fine form, whips out his own cell phone and starts showing pictures of Kearyn. That's right - she is more precious that any amount of gold. :-) 

Anyway, we went to this diner and had a cheeseburger and our favorite - iced tea. No, it is not sweetened (sorry to disappoint my readers from the south) - Jason and I gave up the sugar a few years back. (I know, I know, it seemed impossible at the time too!) We had a delightful time and in the midst of it I snapped these photos with my iPhone (explains the quality but if you want to know a secret almost all my photos are taken with my iPhone because I always have it with me!) Anyway, I just wanted to share this moment with you. We cherish each and every one of them. 

Happy Father's Day to my husband - the best dad ever! 

Happy Father's Day Daddy!

Dear Daddy,
The four Gressman kids would sincerely like to wish you a Happy Daddy's Day!
We love you so much and thank God that you are our daddy every day!

We know we can be rowdy and a rambunctious bunch -
We make messes faster than you and mom can clean them up -
We also get into things we are not suppose to from time to time -
But at the end of the day - we know you still love us. :-)
Because honestly, what is not to love!

Here is a message from each of your precious four!

Cale (age 11): Have a Happy Father's Day! Thank you for being our dad. You are a great father to us. You have always been able to get us through hard times. Thank you for being our dad. Happy Father's Day!

Ky (age 5): Happy Father's Day! I want to go camping and swimming. :-)

Creide (age 3): Happy Father's Day! Can you take me fishing? :-)

Kearyn (age 1): Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! (Screeching noise....) Da-da-da-da-da-da!
(I am sure she was saying something like: Daddy, I love you! Can you take me shopping? - Just a rough interpretation. :-)

From your loving wife:
J - You are the best husband and father a girl can ask for. It is so amazing to watch you each and every day with our children. You are truly raising up our boys to be Godly men and our little girl - well, she will definitely be well protected. I see your love for them each and every moment and that gives my heart so much joy. Thanks for all you do - each and every day for our family and so many others. It is such an honor to be your wife. With all my love, A.

From the Mailbag:....The #1 Question I Get Asked...

Hands down this is the #1 question I get asked....

Why have I not lost all my hair?

No,I am not kidding.

Here is the answer - I don't know.

I do know that I don't get as high of a dose of the medication that causes you to lose your hair as say something with breast cancer does but I also know that I am getting more treatments more often than the average breast cancer patient that gets the 6 treatments every 3 weeks. I am on treatment #10 and I get mine every other week.

I did really expect it to be gone by now but it is holding on. During treatment #6 when they told me I would need 6 more I really just wanted to shave it off and be done with it but Jason asked me to hold on a bit longer. So, I did. I know the thought of losing my hair has always been harder on him than it has been on me. As I have said before - losing my hair was a small price to pay for keeping my life.

But.... here I am over 5 months down the road. I still have a good portion of my hair, I have my eyebrows and all my eyelashes (although it has lightened them a bit - which is kind of weird for me) and I STILL have to shave my legs. Could have lived without that for a while I must say.

Anyway, I get asked the "Why haven't you lost all your hair?" question at least once a day if not more. So, I am sure that there are even more people out there wondering the same thing. Now you know!

Chemo #10......{Come Undone}

I have always loved this song - even before I was diagnosed. Pretty crazy how things turn out sometimes. I haven't posted a new song in a while and this one has been on my heart for a long time. Finally, tonight I just really felt called to post it. It seems to describe what I am going through {tonight especially} fairly well.

I hope you enjoy it.





As I come in and out of the "chemo coma" as I call it in the most affectionate way possible I don't really have the strength for a long post - I apologize for that. You may just see "baby posts" for the next couple of days if I have the strength. (Some of you are probably cheering right now as you are tired of my long ramblings. :-)

The treatments are becoming increasingly harder. My body is weak and I have to rely on Jason to even get me out of bed right now.

My spirits are good though... I just feel like there is so much work to be done. In fact, I started crying today because I want to get on with the work I am feeling like I am being called to do and yet I am stuck in bed. Jason saw me crying and Jason asked me what was wrong and so I told him. His extremely loving and supportive answer just touched my heart.....

Jason: "So, what are you doing just laying there?"

You have to love this man. I do. He made me laugh.

I know God has his timing in all things and he wants me to fully recover. In the beginning I felt this peace about it being 4-6 months and then I would be well again. I still believe that. It is just hard when you see so much work to be done and so many people to help. But God does have the perfect timing and so I will wait as patiently as possible for him to finally tell me to "go" and I will go. (Hey, that is another song...)

Talk to you soon my friends. Love you all!

~Andrea

Prepping My {Heart} for Chemo #10

Today was a good day. I was able to have lunch with one of my closest friends and we were able to just catch up. We haven't been able to do that in quite a while and it was just nice. While having lunch our babysitter who hasn't watched the kids in a while due to the upheaval in our schedule was able to watch the kids and they just enjoyed it immensely. They have missed her so much.

Then I came home and prepped a fun oriental chicken salad dinner for the discipleship team from the youth group. (I will post a couple of pictures here soon.) We played fun youth group games and it was just so nice to be able to reconnect with them. Since my diagnosis I have not been able to be as involved as I was before and I miss them.

 Now I am sitting in front of my computer as I so often do in the evenings and I am trying to wrap my mind around my thoughts for tomorrow. I have been praying for strength lately. My body is fatigued. The last 2 treatments have been harder than the previous treatments - I know that is hard to believe as they are all just bad. During that 5 days or so I can now barely lift my head off the pillow.

I know I will get through it - God is here with me - I really do know that. But the chemo takes you right up to this line and for a while there you think that you might just fall right over the cliff. In desperation you almost start to grasp at anything you can to save yourself from going over the edge and then you have to remind yourself that the only thing strong enough to hold you is God himself. His grace is enough.

I don't have the deep since of dread that I had before last treatment. It feels like just something that I have to do - like going into labor. Although I know going through labor was much easier for me than chemo.

Anyway, I still haven't really identified how I feel about this next treatment. Maybe determination....I just want to get through it and get it over with.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. They mean so much to me. Love to all!

Andrea

From the Mailbag: {Please Join Me in Prayer}

Moments ago I just received this comment and I just had to post it and request prayer immediately....

"I have just started reading your blog. I am only up to the part where you are requesting devotionals. I just have to tell you that my daughter in law has recently been diagnosed with T Cell lymphoma. It is also located in her upper chest area. She is the mother of three young children. I have sent her the address for your blog. I thought the two of you could get in touch with each other. Her name is Jeslyn."


I have to tell you that upon reading this I just started crying. I read it to Jason and I couldn't even get through it all. I am praying so hard for this mama.... please join me. Please raise her up as well as her sweet family. I remember that time so vividly - the unknowing, the fear... I pray that God gives her a peace beyond all understanding and that she and her family can feel God's love more now than ever. I pray that God gives her doctors the wisdom to know exactly what treatment she needs. I pray for God to heal her. I pray for the protection over her children - please God protect them. Just give them all the strength and wisdom that they need to get through this time.

In Jesus' precious name,
Amen

Please keep this family lifted in prayer.

Happy Birthday Grandad!

Yesterday was my Grandad's birthday. I have been so blessed because I have been able to spend so much time around my grandparents my whole life! In fact, from the time I was about 13 to when I left home I actually lived right across the road from them. I loved that so much and cherish those memories.

I have so many great memories of my grandparents and just their unconditional love and support. One of my favorite memories of my grandad was during my senior year in high school. He loved to watch me play any kind of sport but especially basketball. Not only did he make every single game (no matter what town it was in) he also made every single practice! Now that is true love when you sit in a stinky gym 2 hours a day every single night!

I also remember a time that we went to play in Denver and he told me that he wasn't going to be able to make it over. I am warming up for the game and all of the sudden I see him walk into the gym. He just couldn't stay home so he caught a ride with one of the other parents. Isn't that the sweetest thing ever!

His support meant so much to me then and it still means so much to me now. On Sundays Jason usually leaves by 7am to go to work and usually doesn't get home until around 9:30-10:00pm after youth group. On the Sundays after my chemo treatments my grandparents usually come out for part of the day to help me with the kids. I know it is very hard for them to see me go through this - I can see it in their eyes. Parents and grandparents think they are sneaky and can hide things from their kids/grandkids - but that only works when the kids/grandkids are young. I can see their pain but yet - they come anyway.

Happy Birthday Grandad! I love you dearly and just feel so blessed to be your grandaughter. Thank you for always being so wonderful.

Funny of The Day

So, I don't know exactly what Jason and I were doing to start this little event.... I think we were playfully deciding upon who was going to change a diaper or something because the wet wipe package was actually involved. He tossed it up in the air and it actually hit our ceiling fan and then went flying right by my head. Jason howled with laughter. I immediately went into mom mode...."Jason, what would have happened if that would have poked my eye out?" (Imagine hands on hips giving him my best mom look....) Without skipping a beat he said......"I wouldn't have laughed quite so hard...."

What do you say to that?

You gotta love him! :-)

My New Struggle: {Doubt}

Like I need a new struggle.... but I have one.... It is....

{Doubt}

This past week I have really struggled with this. The doubts just start creeping in and I have to literally stop whatever I am doing and pray it/them away. Some of your remember my post from February 19th, {Faith & Fear} - I tell you what, I just went back and re-read that post and talk about ministering to myself. There I was - only 2 weeks past being diagnosed and I was honestly in a better a place than I am in now. 

A few things have happened since that time... namely 9 more chemo treatments.... falsely thinking I would be done with chemo nearly a month ago... and I definitely wasn't so tired. Those are no excuses though... my focus should be on the cross no matter what. 

When I went back and read that {Faith & Fear} post I remembered mentioning having a fear of the "unknown" - well I think the "What if's" can be classified right along with the "unknown" category. 

What if ...... the cancer is not gone?

What if....... the chemo is not working?

What if....... I have to go through more treatments?

What if....... I get another type of cancer?

What if....... there is nothing they can do, I die anyway, and leave my husband with 4 small children to raise? You see, it isn't the death I fear - I know where I am going - it is the pain my family will have to endure if I do die. That is the thought that stings the most. 

I can go on forever. But I have to just completely stop myself. I have to pray, pray, pray and realize that once again this is not about me - it is about God and his will. And by playing the "what-if" game - I am not honoring him and I am not bringing glory to him. The chemo doesn't heal me - God does. The doctors aren't the ones that will keep me here - God will. If I have to go through more treatments....God will give me the strength. And if he does decide to take me home....He will never leave or forsake my husband or my children. He is in control and he has it all planned out - and he makes all things good....

Yes, it is easy to have faith when rainbows and lollipops are falling from the sky - it is much harder when life's adversities emerge. But as my pastor told me not so long ago... God is doing a work in my heart right now...... it is just up to me to let him do it. 

I know I am not the only one who has struggles at this time. I talk to people nearly everyday that have something just as big - and even bigger - than my cancer. My prayer for you is that you don't let the doubt creep in... pray it away just as quickly as it arrives. God is in control and he loves you just as he loves me. God is good - all the time. 

30 Days & Counting.....{Take 2}

Some of you may remember this post that I posted on April 18th. It was 30 Days & Counting when I thought I only had 30 days left until my last treatment....

Today marks my new 30 day mark. 30 days from now {God willing} I will have my last treatment..... I feel this nervous excitement. Like I want to believe it but I am scared to believe. I have been battling with doubts for about a week now... The "what-if's" start creeping in and it takes a great deal of focus and prayer to get them out. I will post more about how I am dealing with that a little later.

But, here we go again.... 30 day & Counting.... {Take 2}

Creide's Prayer...

I could not help but to share Creide's prayer last night at the dinner table. I really wish I had a tape recorder....

At dinner time the boys love to do what they call "circle prayers". We all hold hands in a circle and we take turns saying a prayer. This works really well as it prevents them from fighting over who gets to pray. Yes, this does happen in our household.

Anyway, Creide started his little prayer....

"Dear God, thank you for this day... thank you for all our food... thank you for this day... I pray for my mommy's sickness to go away... and I pray that you don't let my brother's go to college....don't let Cale go to college... don't let Ky go to college.... because I don't want them to leave .... thank you God.. Amen."

It always amazes me at what they think about.

Can You Believe it? ~ Nearly 10,000 Pageviews!....+ Giveaway!

So, I was looking over the blog today and saw that we are very close to having 10,000 total pageviews.... I just checked it like  2 seconds ago and it was sitting at 9,900 so we should be hitting the 10,000 mark here very soon - unless you all decide to boycott the blog and then you could leave me stuck at 9,999. And just so you know, that would drive the "Monk" in me absolutely crazy!

Anyway, I wanted to find a way to celebrate this little milestone for the blog. So, I am going to do my first giveaway! I was going to wait a bit longer to let you all know what I have been working on in between my chemo treatments but I might as well let the cat out of the bag. I have been working on a series of devotionals that you will actually be able to download from here and use in your own personal study time. The first couple I am working on are like 7-day devotionals and then we will see where it goes from there. Once they get done and I get them listed on here it will probably make more sense.

But as a way to celebrate I am going to give the 10,000th person a sneak peek at my newest 7-day devotional. No one has ever read it - not even Jason! So, all you have to do is take a peek to the right when you visit and if you are the 10,000th visitor leave a comment below and I will send you the devotional. It is as easy as that. Oh, and I lifted all of the pesky log-in requirements to leave a comment so it should be super easy. I have never offered a give-a-way before and I may never do it again (LOL) depending on how this goes. :-) You all may be saying "thanks but no thanks" right about now. We shall see....

Anyway, thanks to all of you who keep supporting and keep reading. I am very excited to see what direction this blog takes me in. It has already been a huge blessing to just be a part of and I have loved every minute of it. Thanks everyone and I can't wait to hear from the 10,000th pageviewer!

Funny of The Day

So, it has been a while since I have posted a funny of the day. It isn't like they haven't been happening.... are you kidding we are the Gressman's.... something is always happening around our house. Usually Creide is the  one generating all of the funnies lately. Cale being 11...excuse me...almost 12....is far too cool to do anything that anyone could possible laugh at him for. It is like living with a professor....Beuller...Beuller... Okay, so I couldn't resist.

(Sorry for the poor picture quality but this was the only one I could find that had the entire scene but wasn't ridiculously long either.)

I know, I know, it is so mean of me to tease my 11 year old...I mean almost 12 year old like that but if I can't get a little enjoyment out of these "pre-teen" years then what's the point?

Anyway, Ky is like his dad....only wants to talk about "Vivor Man" - aka "Survivor Man" or "Man vs. Wild" and then he makes these things out of objects he finds around the house, around the yard, really anywhere. I am constantly finding these little spears all over - basically a stick with something taped to the end of it - like a fork, or some other sharp object that he shouldn't be playing with. Yesterday he was carting around this homemade bow and arrow. I didn't think anything of it until Jason said, "Uh, that works." What do you mean it works? How does my 5 year old know how to make a bow and arrow that works!....... Jason!!!!

I do always just want to ask Ky if he really gets lost in the wilderness if he would actually have tape with him but then he would just give me one of those looks with those big blue eyes. You know the one that says, "Silly Mom, whatever are you talking about....of course I would have duct tape...who doesn't have duct tape," and then you, as the adult, feel totally ridiculous for even brining it up. Maybe that only happens in my household.

This is pretty much the look I would get. 

Followed by this look....

....as he casually takes a drink to rub in my silliness for asking such questions.

Anyway, back to the funny of the day....

Creide was telling me that he felt his cat needed a change. The conversation went something like this....

Creide: "Mom, I think my cat needs a change."

Mom: "Oh really, what kind of change would that be?"

Creide: "Well, I think she needs to be more boy-like."

Mom: "But she is a girl."

Creide: "Yeah, but I want her to be a boy."

Mom (realizing the boy vs. girl argument was pointless with a 3 year old at this point): "So, how are you going to make Piper (the cat) more 'boy-like'?"

Creide: "I am going to paint her green. Green is a boy color." 

Mom: "But cats don't like to be painted green."

Creide: "She does."

Don't worry - we stopped him before he could actually paint the cat green. ***No animals were hurt in the making of this blog.***

Kearyn 9: I Love This Surprise!

So, I just had to share. I happened to go on FB (for those of you who aren't up on the lingo FB=Facebook) and found this lovely picture of my hubby and my daughter on there. I love it! One of our youth group kids took it when we just happened to be at the park at the same time a couple of weeks ago and I didn't even know it. It is just so good - they both are so happy! I love it! It gives my heart so much joy. Thanks for taking and sharing this photo Hannah!



Daddy and Kearyn Girl (almost 1 in this photo)

I am...

...a believer who loves the Lord with all my heart.

...a wife that is still very much in-love with my husband.

...a mother who simply adores my children.

...a daughter that is grateful for her parents.

...a granddaughter who cherishes my grandparents and all the time I have been able to spend with them.

...a sister who is patiently waiting to become an aunt. Oh, I love being your sister too.

...a friend who cherishes these relationships that God has blessed me with.

...a church member who is grateful for the church family God has given me.

...a writer who relies on my words to tell my story.

...a crafter who relies on my creativity as my release in life.

...a survivor. (There are no words.)

{I am me.} 

Who are you?

Choosing God...

This past weekend my husband gave a sermon at church on "holiness" - being set-apart from the world. In his message he made the point that choosing to be "holy" is a choice - one that you have to make each and every day in your actions, your thoughts, and the things that you say. He talked about how he himself has had to make that choice time and again and especially since I was diagnosed with cancer.

There are times when it has been so hard and yet we have kept choosing God. In a time where it would be easy to be angry and question why - we have both made the choice to glorify God to the best of our abilities throughout. Now this isn't easy and there are days that I personally feel like I fail miserably but because of God's grace, love, and mercy you can get up the next day and try to do better.

After the third service a man approached us with tears streaming down his face. He told us that he had just lost his wife to cancer. I could just see this man's pain - yet he was still choosing God. He said that he and his wife were best friends - not just husband and wife - and that they had chose God in their life together. He said now that she was gone that was the only thing that was keeping him going - choosing God.

As quickly as he had approached us he was gone again - like a whisper from God himself - leaving me to my own tears and my husband to his. But his message went deeper than the tears - it was a confirmation to my heart that now when I am weaker than ever, when the mass quantities of medications are taking their toll not only on me physically but mentally and emotionally that it is more critical than ever to keep choosing God. For when I am weak He is my strength.

I feel like I am coming to the end of the pain and suffering that I have had to endure to be well again and yet it is so hard to keep pressing on - but I must. When my thoughts start to turn to selfish ones - I need to refocus on the cross and what Jesus did for me there. When my words aren't as loving as they should be - I need to force myself to speak kindness and love as God is calling me to do. When my actions and attitude aren't the way they should be - I need to adjust them to be more like Christ. This isn't easy to do but it is what I am called to do.

I am called to choose God in all that I do - not just when I feel like it.

Say What You Need to Say

As I was praying about what to write about today I just kept hearing these words, "Say what you need to say," over and over in my head. That is generally a pretty good indication when I need to write about something - because it doesn't ever seem to go away until I do.

So, I started to think about what that phrase means to me....then I started to remember why I started blogging so regularly when I was diagnosed to begin with. It was a scary time for me. I didn't know what my diagnosis meant. But I did know that if something happened to me - if I didn't make it - I wanted my children to know and hear my voice through the things that I wrote. I am sure I have said this a hundred times but it was (and is) so important to me that they know how much I love them, how much I love their dad, and how much I love God - even through the yucky stuff. This blog has been a huge blessing to me because I have been able to "say what I have needed to say" in each moment I was experiencing and then some...

I have always been a fairly private person. That may seem contradictory as I feel I have been pretty open and honest on here for the world to read but that is not the way I normally operate. It is so much easier for me to help others than it is to receive help myself. Needless to say, relying on others as I have had to during the last few months has been another lesson for me entirely.

My heart has changed in many ways since my diagnosis. I don't hesitate to tell a friend that I love them - something I would have felt awkward about even a year ago (except for with the youth group kids - strangely I have never had a hard time telling one of the kids that I love them - but I know that is a God thing.)

But even though my heart has been opened up some since my diagnosis - I realize I still have a long way to go. There are still words that I need to say to those that mean the most to me. There are still words that I need to say to my husband and my children because I know that I can never tell them that I love them enough. They are truly why I am going through all of this - my love for them is strong enough for me to go through the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life time and time again just so I can see my kids grow up, just so I can grow old with my husband, just so I can hold my grandkids someday. As much as I hate it - as much as I dread it with ever fiber in my body - they are the reason why in 1 week and 2 days I will go through it all over again, and then again, and then again - until I am done.

I am so grateful that God gave me my family and friends. I am so grateful that He has allowed me to love so deeply and for them to love me in return. What a lonely life it would be without them all.

So, my question to you....are you saying what you need to say? Have you told those around you how much they mean to you? You may think they know but they can always hear it again. Say what you need to say....to who you need to say it to.

From the Mailbag: Lamentations 3:20-23 NKJV

My dear friend Sarah sent me this scripture in response to my "Dread" post and I wanted to share.

"My soul still remembers and sinks within me. This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope: Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness."
`Lamentations 3:20-23 NKJV

Kearyn 8: Looking Up

I just love this photo of Kearyn. To most it probably doesn't mean much - quality wise it isn't even that great for several reasons - 1. It was taken with my phone. 2. There is some funky lighting coming through the window. :-) But I love it anyway because of the memories it brings back.

This was taken on my birthday. We went to Grand Junction for the day and this was our last stop. We stopped at the park and Jason took the boys to run off some of that boy-energy (for all of you moms of boys you know what I am talking about). Kearyn needed to be fed so I stayed in the car. After she ate I started snapping some photos of her and then Jason came back to the car and snapped a few more for me.

I love this one because I know she is looking up at me - her mommy. Her little eyes so big and bright and she just looks happy.

Kearyn 6: Moments to Cherish

With 4 children, a wonderful husband, a great family, and the best friends a girl can ask for (you know who I am talking about) there are just so many cherished memories stored up in my heart. One of my favorite things to do is to go back and look at past photos and then just let the stream of memories come forth. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry - but most importantly - I just remember.

One of the funnest things about this blog is that I not only get to relive these moments but I also get to share them as well.

These little gems were taken when Kearyn was just 1 day old. I will never forget this moment. I was laying in the hospital bed just watching her sleep. I could barely take my eyes off of her. She was finally here - my little Kearyn Jaedance. I studied her face - memorizing her. Soaking every moment of this miracle up. Wow, what a moment.

She, of course, was completely unaware. Her only concern being that she was snuggled up in her mommy's arms listening to my heartbeat - such a familiar sound to her. I looked at the clock - 9am on the dot. She was exactly 24 hours old. I reached out to the bedside table and with the very tips of my fingers I could reach my phone without disturbing her precious nap. I took these three photos to capture that moment in time forever. Thank God for the convenience of the camera phone.

I will never ever forget that moment and thanks to these pictures I can reflect on that moment often. I do have to say - and I know I am suppose to because I am her mommy - but what a beautiful baby is she!

!

~Pictures by Andrea Gressman~ 

I love this Man!

My hubbie is gone for a few days and I am missing him so dearly.

Don't get me wrong - I am glad that he went. He has been planning this mission trip with this very special group of teenagers for months. He is doing a discipleship program over the summer this year and he has literally been praying and planning this summer of events for so long it is so fun to finally see it here and unfolding so that these young people can continue to grow in Christ.

But I still miss him. He has always has a way of making me feel better.


 

I love you J.

From the Mailbag: Depression

I have decided to address some of the many questions that I am continually asked either through face-to-face conversation, phone calls, or emails. It seems that many of you wonder the same things and so I thought on here would be a great way to address these issues for all to read. 

One of the things that I am frequently asked about is if I struggle with depression or not. Thankfully I can say no to this question. I do have my down moments - don't get me wrong. But fortunately God carries me through those times relatively quickly. 

However, that isn't to say that I won't struggle with it in the future. One thing that I have learned from going through this month after month (and don't get me wrong - I know my treatment is a drop in the bucket to what many face) that one day you will be doing fine and then something will happen and you are suddenly struggling. There are so many factors that take place (including how your medications affect you) that it really is hard to predict. 

I know many that battle cancer do battle depression. Cancer is a lonely disease and the treatment for it is often lonely as well. Fortunately, I have a husband that I can communicate these things with and he listens. I also have some amazing people in my life who continually reach out to me and do their best to lift me up. And most importantly - I have God. I see so many people going through treatment right along with me and it breaks my heart when I see someone who doesn't believe. They seem so empty and without hope. 

So, for all of you wondering out there whether or not depression has been a huge factor for me - now you have your answer. Please keep the questions coming and I will do my best to answer them. 

Blessings to All! 

Andrea