Today was a bad day. I felt terrible all day and then had to force myself to get up and go to my doctor's appointment to get a shot that I knew would make me feel worse.
Then when I got there, I had to face some additional issues that concerned our financial standing with the hospital, and let's just say it did not go over well. I cannot give any specifics because I do not want to bring more turmoil to an already highly upsetting situation to all who were involved but I can tell you that I did not necessarily react in a Christ-like manner. Now I am riddled with guilt and desperately seeking God for guidance in the way I need to go about making this situation right - at least on my end. Although I did not feel that I was the cause of it and I felt very much attacked personally through the situation, I had no right to react that way I did.
This is especially disheartening to me because I have felt so convicted to witness to all that I come across through this journey and I feel like I did just the opposite in this situation. I feel like I have damaged The Kingdom in a way that I had no right to do. For that my heart is aching tonight. We, as Christians, have such an important role. We have to guard our every word, as each of our words hold so much power, and we do not want to ever use our words to do damage - not to our family, not to our friends, and not to strangers.
I feel as if this is the second worst day, only to the day I was diagnosed, since this all began.
There are so many issues that a family goes through when someone is diagnosed with cancer, or any long term or life threatening illness for that matter, and I just feel more convicted than ever to be a voice for all of those who have, who will, or who are enduring one of these situations. The financial issues can be as overwhelming and as stressful as the actual disease itself. The stress that it causes is debilitating in itself, not to mention trying to deal with it while going through treatment.
I will not make excuses for what I did. I can tell you that I simply reacted on the emotion in the moment and I did not seek Christ at that crucial time. Oh, how I was so swiftly reminded how we all fall so short of the glory of God. I always ask my oldest son one question - which he absolutely hates - whenever he has reacted to a situation. I ask, "Did you honor God, or did you honor the enemy?" He does not like it because the answer is really black and white yet we live is a society that always tries to makes things gray. It is really hard to say that you honored the enemy when you love God with all your heart. Well, this time I did not honor God. I honored the enemy, and as much as that turns my stomach, I know that God's forgiveness is there for the taking. I only have to accept it and then the truly hard part - move on.
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