10,000 Prayers... And Now He is Here

It is funny how life can change for you so quickly.
One minute you are are walking along one path and you look up to discover it has turned into a completely different path.
Like when you are a mom of 4 and then suddenly you realize that you are now a mom of 5.

On 8.7.14 we welcomed our newest addition to our family.

Caysen Johnse or as we call him, "Cayse".

He is amazing.

He came by complete surprise to us. Normally I don't care for surprises but he is by far the best one I have ever received... and I find myself just staring at him in awe.

He is 3 weeks old today - which have gone by in a blink of an eye despite my best efforts to soak up every moment.

I find myself kissing his little head over and over again.
As I did this a day or two ago I thought to myself, "I have probably kissed him 1,000 since he has been born."
Then I started thinking of how many prayers I said for this little boy before he finally arrived.
At first I thought that I had probably said 1,000 prayers as well... then, being the math geek that I am, I roughly counted the number of days since that winter day when I realized that I was pregnant... no... 1,000 wouldn't even come close to the number of times I prayed for this boy.

My prayer was often very simple.

Please God, keep him safe and healthy, safe and healthy, safe and healthy. Please God.

I would say that same thing over and over again countless times each day.

I don't know exactly how many times I prayed for him certainly but I am sure God does.
I am so abundantly thankful that he heard my prayers and answered by giving us this perfect little boy.

Welcome to the world sweet boy. You are so very loved.

What is Love?

I was recently on StumbleUpon - another little internet addiction I am developing.
I saw this post where some experts asked little ones to define what love is.
Here are some of my favorite answers:

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." ~ Terri - age 4 

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."  ~ Danny - age 7 

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."  ~Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." 

~ Nikka - age 6 

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." ~ Tommy - age 6  

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." ~ Elaine - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." ~ Chris - age 7 

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." ~ Mark - age 6 

[sorry, this might be TMI but it made me laugh so I had to share.]

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." ~ Jessica - age 8 

What a beautiful pictures these little ones create. 

It is my hearts desire to create the same picture for my own children. 

I am determined that they know how much they are loved and how much their father is loved.

That is why I started this blog. 

That is why I continued as regularly as I could when I was going through treatment. 

I didn't know what was going to happen. 

I couldn't predict the future. 

But I could do something about today.

And I could leave bits and pieces of me. 

Bits and pieces of my love for them to find later on. 

Life is so precious my friends. 

I cannot remember for the life of me where I heard it. 

If you know maybe you can give me a shout so I can update this. 

But the other day I heard something along the lines of:

{It is a privileged to be able to grow old with someone.}

I could not agree more.

Yet so many of us take this for granted.

One final story from this same site:

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. 

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. 

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. 

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 

"Nothing, I just helped him cry." 

To read the full article go to: "What Does Love Mean?" See How 4-8 Year-Old Kids Describe Love"

time.

If you have been reading along you will know that in less than 24 hours we receive some big news.
I have been doing a lot off processing.
A lot of coping.
A lot of praying.

But I have been trying my best not to make that my sole focus.
So, I ask my self questions.
Like, if this was the last day before I find out I have to go back into treatment - how do I want to spend it?
Or, how would I want to remember this day by?
It really puts things in perspective for me and forces me into a different mode.
One of living.
Not one of fear.

So, yesterday we spent a little time in Ouray.
We watched the fish.
Played on the playground.
Walked the streets.
Ate yummy food.
Ate ice cream.
Had great company.

It was wonderful.
Yes, win, lose, or draw, I can look back on that day with no regrets.
Because we simply had time.
Time with each other.
Time with friends.
Time doing something fun.
Time making memories.

Honestly, I could not ask for more.

So, I wanted to share some of the memories we made.
Enjoy as we enjoyed.

   

  

More to come....

[13]

13.
It seems so much bigger than 12.
Another milestone.
Another bitter/sweet moment.

My oldest boy turned 13 this last month.
And although I am a little late with this post.
I still wanted to take a minute to reflect on my boy young man.

He is just a sweet kid.
We are so blessed.

He is smart.
Funny.
He loves God.
And just loves life.

I cannot imagine my life without him.
And boy, has he been through some stuff.

When he was born he couldn't breath on his own.
It took them 6 hours to get a breathing tube in him.
During that time he stopped breathing countless times.
Each time he would fight back in order to stay in this world.
For that, I am beyond words grateful.

He was little.
Only 5 pounds 15 ounces.
But his strength was indescribable.
To this day.
13 years later.
I am still left in awe.

He has shown me so much about myself.
About being a mom.
About being strong.
How you keep fighting.
No matter what.

He has had 6 surgeries.
A trach for the first 14 months of his life.
Countless doctors appointments.
Therapy of every kind.
He has been misdiagnosed 5 different times.
Yet, he presses on.
No matter what.
And if you look at him now you would never guess that he has had to endure so much.
He is just so solid.

Until now I have never really talked about this openly.
Not because I am ashamed.
I am actually the opposite.
Not because it was hard.
It was hard but God did so much through it.
But because I never wanted it to define who he was.
Not as a boy and not as the man he is growing into.
I never wanted people to expect any less of him because they knew he had some challenges in the beginning.
I wanted that God given internal strength to shine through no matter what.
And it does.




I will never forget the day he was born.
After taking hours to stabilize him they took him to another hospital that had a NICU.
I had to stay behind.
It was one of the hardest nights of my life.
I just wanted to hold my boy and I couldn't.

It was about 11pm.
His doctor called from the NICU.
He told me that he was stabilized and doing okay.
But that is when he said it.
He said, "This boy is going to be a smart one."
He said he could see it in his eyes.
How right that man was.

He is brilliant.
Wise beyond his years.
And he truly loves to learn.

I am so excited to see how God uses him.
Right now he thinks he may want to be a historian.
A professor somewhere perhaps.
Perhaps a biblical historian.

Whatever he does.
I know he is going to be amazing.
Because he already is amazing.
Each day I thank the Lord for him.
And celebrate these bitter/sweet moments.

Each day he is one step closer to heading out on his own to truly embrace what God has for him.
For that I am so excited.
I am so excited for him.
But I know it will be hard when he is not under the same roof.
It is all just bitter/sweet.

For today I will cherish.
As I know tomorrow will come sooner than I want it to.
And then tomorrow I will rejoice.
For I know I was deliberate in the way I cherished today.

A Bunch of Sickies...

We have a pile of sickies at the Gressman house.
Last night was tough.
I was so thankful for Jason.

We did what is commonly referred to in the world of parenting as "the divide and conquer method".
Those of you with more than one child know what I am talking about here.

For those of you who don't know....
This is where one parent takes one child and the other takes the other child.
And you hope you didn't draw the short straw. :-)
Just kidding.

Anyway, Jason took Creide.
And I took Kearyn.

Ky is also sick but he is pretty tough about it.
He only has a bad caugh.
And isn't doing the fever, throwing up thing too.

Boy, I will be glad when we get past this one...

Hope you all are staying healthy...

Blessings.

{amg}

So, How Did Your Week Go?

How did my week go?

Thanks for asking...

Well, that's an interesting question... 

Normally I kind of prefer a pass/fail kind of evaluation.

But I really don't know if I my heart can take that kind of rejection right now.

However, there is a glass half full/glass half empty scenario I could easily apply here. 

For example, if emails were an indication of my success or failure in my week it would scream fail to most.

I currently have 316 unread emails in my inbox.. oh wait, 317. Please, no one else email me until I finish this blog! 

And that is just the unread ones, I am too ashamed to tell you how many "read" emails I have that still need some sort of "action" on my behalf. {sigh}

Yeah, I don't even want to hear from any of you who have like 5 whole emails in your inbox, alphabetized and starred accordingly. Or those who say, I never go to bed with anything in my inbox. 

I know you are out there. 

Back to my cup half full scenario. At some point in the week - can't tell you which day because it is really all one giant blurrrrrrr - but there were over 500 emails just sitting their patiently waiting to be read. So, I think I battled back quite nicely because I get at least 100 emails a day - usually more. (Glass half full!!! ;-)

Wait, you don't get 100 emails a day? 

How do you get on that list?

How did I get on this email tangent?

Don't answer that. 

Back to my week...

First, homeschooling a whatever-grade-my-oldest-son-is-in. 

(This is homeschool language for when your child is like doing 6 different grade levels or when your child is smarter than you - not going to reveal which one this situation applies to.)

My first grader. 

My pre-kindergarten/kindergartner (more homeschool talk for when a mom isn't quite ready to accept that her 4 year old [to be 5 in 3 weeks] is doing kindergarten schoolwork). 

All with a precious two year old - who constantly loves to explore her boundaries right now -little girl. (Translation - she constantly tries to test her mother and quickly throws a temper tantrum any time her boundaries and mommies boundaries don't get along.) 

And that was just the first day....

My oldest is playing volleyball and I am also coaching - which I love - don't get me wrong. 

I truly love having that special time with him.  

But it always amazes me how much energy it takes to coach. 

One plus - I don't have to work out on volleyball days because I totally get my work out in while I am there. (Glass half full!!! ;-)

God has also decided to bless me with some work right now. Awesome! I think...

No, in all seriousness... Things are good. 

However, it is a new season. 

One of adjustment.

Change.

Adaptation.

And. Joy.

The joy of the new milestones we are accomplishing as a family.

The joy of me being here to witness and be apart of these milestones. 

The joy of just being alive...

So what if I have 317 emails, err 320 emails. 

So what if I don't do everything perfectly.

Or don't get everything crossed of my checklist. 

I know in my life those aren't the things that matters most....

This is...

And I wouldn't trade {THIS} for anything.
Thank.You.God.

As a lady once told me - relationships are the only thing you can take with you.

Where ever you are in life and however the week for you... I hope that it was half full for you too.

Blessings.

"Slap me silly & call me cowboy!"

This delightful little quote was from my youngest boy - obviously the joker of our family.

He is constantly coming up with the funniest things.

I have no idea where he got this one from. 

A movie most likely.

Or he took a movie quote and altered it to suit his little Creidey-bear needs. (That's what we call him - Creidey-bear. ;-) 

But the funny thing about my little Creide is that he has the best timing. 

That is what makes it so funny. 

The delivery. 

I am so thankful for this boy and his sweet heart. 

His quick wit does his mamma good. 

So, the next time you hear someone say, "Slap me silly & call me cowboy!" - think of my little Creide and I am sure he will bring an even bigger smile to your face. 

Here are some pics I found from one year ago this month where he was a "cowboy". 

It is actually a ladies hat that he found in some high end tourist shop in Ouray. 

But I couldn't resist snapping a couple of shots before I made him put it back JUST where he found it completely unharmed. :-) 

More Funnies....

I haven't posted any "funnies" lately. So, I thought I would post a couple....

~{**}~

Creide: Mom, can you reach that for me? Because I am just a little dude.

~{**}~

Creide: Awe Mom. I only weigh 3 pounds. Still little. (Followed by a sad face.)

Mom: You mean 30 pounds?

Creide: 30 pounds? Really? Wow, I'm big! (Followed by jumping up and down in delight.)

~{**}~

Creide: Mom, if anyone messes with my sister, I am going to mess with them back.

(Unless he is the doing the "messing" of course.)

~{**}~

While attending youth group this past Sunday I was at the back of the building reminding my two noisy little boys to be quiet because they were about to start worship. 

Kearyn turns around from the front of the building and says, "Mom, pray!". 

I evidently missed that they had started praying. 

Thanks Kearyn for bringing that to my attention - and everyone else's as well.

~{**}~

Cale started telling me about some astonishing fact he had just learned in some book he was reading and then he suddenly stops. 

Cale: Mom, you don't really care about this do you.

Me: No son, I do care. I just have no idea what you are talking about. 

(Just one of many humbling moments that I frequently experience with my son.)

I hope you are having a great week and lots of "funnies" are happening to you as well! 

Lesson's From My Children: {Being Intentional}

For me, one of the best things about being a mom is seeing the individual gifts that God has given each of my children. They are all so very different and Jason and I enjoy the challenge of helping them grow these gifts. 

As I was going through some of my many photos I found these of my middle boy, Ky. He is 6 and is gifted in so many ways. 

One of my favorite gifts that my boy has been abundantly blessed with is how intentional he is with everything in life.

He loves deeply.

He protects fully. 

He is deliberate.

Patient.

Steadfast. 

He goes out of his way to help his baby sister. 

Just after she was born he saw her for the first time in the hospital and he said, "Mom, I'm her 'tector." (meaning protector)

At the age of four he made that promise and he lives it out everyday.

He is also extremely patient with both his little brother and his little sister.

Sure, he does reach his limit from time to time but overall he does really well. 

He also values your time and openly shows his appreciation for it. 

No matter what the activity - whether it is helping me cook, doing "man stuff" with his dad, ory even curling up and watching a movie - he deeply values the time you are spending with him. 

He often says, "I just want to spend time with you."

Ky is a great son and such a blessing to our family. 

I am constantly amazed by the lessons that I learn on a daily basis from my children. And Ky's continual lesson to me is to always be intentional. 

Be intentional with your time. 

With your relationships. 

With your passions. 

And with your promises. 

I love that. 

And I love you Ky James for always being my reminder. 

Photo of the Day: {birth order}

{birth.order.6.2012}

My children constantly make me laugh. If I would have tried to intentionally get them to walk this way there is no way it would have worked out.

Someone would have been complaining about how it is not fair that they were born after another person and would have wanted to petition God for a "re-do". Ultimately, at least one of them would have ended up in tears.

Yet, I look up and there they are. In their birth order. Perfectly spaced. Not one complaint. Not one tear.

Photo of the Day: {Frog Boots}

[creide's frog boots 2012]

These babies are kind of a staple around our house. This is actually Creide's 3rd pair. He loves them. First, his favorite color is green, so that made them an instant hit. Second, I think he likes how easy they are for him to put on and go. And that is what this kid does...go.go.go.

He would {and has} worn them everywhere. I think even to church. I know some of you are probably disgusted right now. How dare I let my child wear something so inappropriate in the house of the Lord? That is one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is that we are supposed to give our best to the Lord. In Creide's mind - these are his best. This is the best pair of shoes he has to offer. But that is just another perspective.

My perspective. Life is too short. I am going to pick my battles and this is just not one of them. I am just happy that the kid has made it out of the house with shoes on. (Yes, we have actually left the house without shoes before - but that is a whole other blog.)

I found this pair at the thrift store with the Target tags still on them. Not bad for $3. :-)

Photo of the Day: {The Foot of the Cross}

 I have to be honest...I love this photo - my daughter playing at the foot of the cross. It is this mama's prayer that each of my children are always able to find their way here and receive the comfort that it brings.

Happy Sunday.

Weekly Rant: Let's Just Lock Our Kids in Closets

Recently I received an email and, like many, it just left me shaking my head. Apparently in Denver, CO there is a community that wants to ban sidewalk chalk. Really. Really? It is sidewalk chalk. In a day when more and more kids are being constantly entertained by video games, movies, and other media outlets we should be rejoicing at the sight of sidewalk chalk. That means that they are doing something other than sitting in front of the television.

Anyway, after briefly reading the write-up on the sidewalk chalk ban that the neighborhood is pursuing the first thought that entered my mind is - why don't we just lock our children in closets so that we won't run the risk of them making the world a more colorful place and a better place at that. Better yet, we can set them on shelves and treat them like the little Chia pets. Feed them, water them, and watch them grow!  

My goodness. I am going to say it again because it just keeps floating around in my own head - it is sidewalk chalk! Are there not bigger issues to tackle than sidewalk chalk? Next they will be banning bicycles and outdoor toys!

Just in case you wanted to read the same little right up I read... here you go:

http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/06202012neighborhood-considers-ban-on-sidewalk-chalk/?scid=bcToday

And for all your rebels out there, evidently like me, here is a tutorial on how to make sidewalk chalk yourself. You know, just in case they ban it from the super market shelves. ;-p

Source: ohmyhandmade.com via the ghost factory on Pinterest

Photo of the Day: {My Girl}

6 Months Past Treatment

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I am actually 6 months past treatment. Man, that has really gone by fast. I thought it would be a nice time to give an update on how I am feeling.

Physically

Physically I am probably doing as well as could be expected. I do struggle daily with my energy level but I think I am getting better at not overdoing it and acknowledging when I do overdo it that it is just going to take me time to recover. I don't let the expectations of others dictate my level of activity and I have gotten better at being honest and just saying, "I am tired," or "I am going to be too tired to do that." Basically I am just learning to give myself more grace.

My diet is a critical component to my energy level. I get lax on it every once in a while and then I am like, "Why am I feeling so bad lately?" Then that little voice says, "Have you checked out what you have been eating lately?" Oh yeah. Then I get back to where I need to be or at least closer to where I need to be.

Right now is a very busy season in our lives (now that I think about it, is there ever a slow season?) and keeping up with my kids takes pretty much everything out of me but I am just so grateful that I am here to even have that struggle.

I don't really have any other physical symptoms other than the fatigue to worry about. About 50% of my hair has grown back. I don't know if it will ever be like it was before but I don't even worry about that. I have always had a ton of hair and it is actually kind of nice not to have to blow dry it for two hours just to get it dry. :-)

Emotionally

Emotionally I think I handle things really well. I rarely worry about the cancer coming back. I find that a day or two before any testing I do get some butterflies in my stomach and then a day or two before I get the results the same thing happens. It takes a conscious effort to keep the fear in check when those moments come but I think overall I do a pretty good job at it.

My personal philosophy on this is that I do not know how many days God has given me. So, if I spend half of them or even all of them worrying about when that day is going to come it is a complete waste of those precious days. Worrying does nothing for today and it will not change tomorrow so why get caught up in that hamster wheel?

There was a lady that was diagnosed shortly before I was last year. She went through treatment last year and they recently found a couple of more spots indicating that she will most likely have to go back in treatment. When I hear of these situations my heart always breaks for that person. Treatment is nasty no matter how you look at it and if I could have my way no one would ever have to endure it. My heart breaks for them because I know the fear and uncertainty that they are undoubtedly facing - then there is their family and what they are going through as well. But after I get through all of that there is a tinge in my own heart - what if that is me? But then again, you just cannot let yourself go there...

Spiritually

This is kind of a hard one to explain. In many ways I feel stronger than ever but in other ways I feel a bit lost. It is kind of like I had this huge build-up of adrenaline for the past year and now it is over and I need to find my normal spiritual routine again.

For the last year I felt like I was white knuckling the cross - hanging on so tight and if I let go for even one second I would be lost forever. Now it is different. Maybe instead of white knuckling it I have my arms wrapped around it as I am completely out of energy and it alone is giving me the strength and energy to keep standing. I told you it was hard to explain. :-)

I just finished two book studies with two different groups of ladies and they were amazing. I am so glad I did each of them as it was a really good way to fellowship and just reconnect with the world again. I also learned a lot about myself and the person that I am today which is much different than the person I was a year ago.

Ultimately I am still just grateful to be done with treatment. It is the little things that continually remind me of this. Right now we are frequenting the field for baseball practices and games and I keep thinking of how hard it was last year to drag myself to the different sporting events my kids had. (Don't get me wrong - I am so glad I did and would do it all over again if I had to but it was still just hard.) My daughter's birthday is coming up in a month (a whole different post) but it is so nice to not have to plan her party around my chemo treatments. Like I said, it really is the little things.

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there and reading my rambles. I appreciate you more than you know. Praying you all have a very blessed week and here is to more days of being cancer free! (Saying that still gives me chills and makes me smile. :-)

Accomplishments: #2 {Sibling Harmony}

The other day I was standing at my kitchen window watching my three younger children play outside and I could not believe my eyes. They all three were actually getting along! Have you ever had one of those moments where you just have to run for the camera and take a picture to document the moment? This was one of those moments.

It is not a rarity for two of my children to get along at the same time.... but three...well that is truly something special. The most incredible thing about this situation is that Creide and Kearyn were actually getting along. He was actually pushing her on the swing and she was loving it. :-)

We call Creide the "equalizer" in our family and we are actually very thankful for that. You see, Cale and Ky will stop the world to make their baby sister happy. What Kearyn wants, Kearyn gets. But Creide is different. He still doesn't see what is so special about this little girl. All he knows is that he used to be the baby of the family and now he is not. There is no special favor deserved for such a betrayal.

But this particular afternoon was different.... As I look at these pictures I feel so much joy in my heart. I see joy on my children's faces and once again I realize how blessed they are to have each other. How blessed is this little girl to be able to grow up with her three big brothers watching over her? God is good.

Accomplishments: {Ready, Set, Swing!}

Do you remember when you learned to swing? I do not remember the exact moment but I do remember the freedom I felt once I did achieve this accomplishment.

I no longer had to rely on the generosity of others to give me a push. I could swing for as long and as high as I wanted to. I remember closing my eyes and pretending I was flying - the cool summer breeze hitting my face as I moved back and forth. I loved to swing.

Ky accomplished the art of swinging solo this past week and as I watched him move back and forth pumping his legs I imagined that he too was feeling some of the same things that I felt when I was his age.

I watched the intensity on his face - intensity mixed with joy and pride. He had done it. He mastered the swing.


 

Friday's Funny of the Day

This morning Creide reported that he had a bad dream last night. When J asked him what his dream was about he said...

Daddy, it was about werewolves, lions, and kangaroos. And those kangaroos were wild!!!


I hope you all have a very blessed Friday and a great weekend!

{Funny of the Day}

This is another {Funny of the Day} brought to you by my little Creide. At 4 he is constantly cracking us up. So here it is...

Creide: My brain is having hiccups.

Me: ??????

Seriously, what do you say to that? And the deeper question - has this been my problem all along and it finally took a 4 year old to identify it? Very interesting. 

Funny of the Day

It's me again! Sorry for the lack of contact - in response to the question one of my friends always asks me when I go underground - no, I have not been abducted by aliens. I am still just trying to figure out how to do this recover from cancer with four kids thing... Just when I think I am starting to get some stuff figured out something rocks the Gressman boat and I feel like I have to start over. I am not complaining (or meaning to sound "complainy") it has just been a process.

Anywhoo... I do have a funny of the day for you that I could not resist sharing. It is actually from my 6 year old. He is my quiet one and most like his daddy. Thoughtful, sweet, and definitely a protector. Yep, sounds just like my hubs through and through. 

He wants to be a soldier when he grows up and he loves policemen, although when he sees them in public he gets really shy. We were in a nearby town a few months back eating at a Subway and a couple of them came in to eat as well. He stared at them for the longest time and finally my hubby took him over there to introduce him. They ended up letting him sit in both of their cars and run the lights and all. They did draw the line when he started asking about their shotgun that was installed in the front seat. He actually asked them if it was their rocket launcher. LOL. It was a cool experience for him nonetheless. 

He is amazing with his baby sister. I know I have shared the story of when she was born and he said, "I am her 'tector." He will stop in his tracks to help her in some way. The other day I heard him say to his little brother, "We don't let Kearyn (baby sister) cry. Whatever she wants - give it to her." Lord have mercy. 

Anyway, for this "funny of the day" I have to share my secret shame. I have a slight obsession with shows like Forensic Files, Cold Cases, etc. In fact, if God wouldn't have called me to be a wife and a mother that is probably what I would be doing but I like where He put me instead. 

So, I was watching an all new type of forensics show that I found on Netflix (yay me!). My 6 year old came in at the end and heard that the bad man was sentenced to 100 years in prison. My boy's eyes got wide and he said, "100 years, wow mom, that is a long time. Will he even live that long?" I explained the situation and said no, that he would just serve the remainder of his life in prison. He said, "Well, do they feed them or do they starve." I said no, they feed them. He said, "Do they feed them broccoli?" I couldn't help but to laugh at that one. In a 6 year old's mind there is not greater punishment than going to jail AND having to eat broccoli.

Happy Friday!

Andrea