My Heart Check Moment

Today I was just kind of feeling blah. It wasn't that it was a bad day, but I just felt unfocused and uninspired. My heart was definitely not in it. I wasn't going to even blog tonight because who wants a unfocused and uninspiring blog? No one. I wasn't excited to write and you wouldn't be excited to read. But something just kept tugging at my heart. Tug. Tug. Tug. You know that type when you just cannot let it go and you know you either do it now or you are going to do it at 2 a.m. Your choice. Some choice.

So, I started to think about what to write about in my unfocused and uninspired mood. Maybe I should finish one of the couple hundred blogs I have started and not finished. (No, I am not exaggerating. There are a bunch.) No. That didn't sound exciting.

I thought of going on Pinterest and finding something interesting to share with you there. Pinterest always inspires me. But no. That wasn't appropriate for tonight either. Finally, a thought. For this I was grateful.

{What was I doing a year ago today?} 

Well by golly, let's look back through the ol' blog. I knew this things was good for something. So, I tracked it down and boy... did I have a heart check moment or what! Of all the days. Of all the things I could be feeling today compared to what I was feeling one year ago today.

Well, here it is: {Day 22: Chemo 2} You can read it for yourself and I really encourage you to do so if you have time and the interest. It is complete with my very own {life scripture} which I don't blog about very often because my {life scripture} was given to me at a very painful time in my life.

So, as a rundown - one year ago today I am blogging from my chemo chair. I was going through my 2nd chemo treatment. Talk about being cut to the core with your very own words and even feeling disappointment in myself that I didn't cherish today more like I should have. You see, it isn't about me being inspired. It isn't about what I am going through. Just as I wrote about a year ago - it is about me seeing the opportunities to help and inspire others. And I came so very close to missing that today.

Yes, I know I am human. I am swiftly reminded of that each and every day that I fall so short of where I should be. But that is no longer an excuse I can use as a crutch. I have been sharply shown what the alternative could be. Yes, I am a believer and yes, I know that I will meet Jesus when my days are up here in this world. But not now. Not yet. Not with my children so young. No, I still have too much to do.

Thank you God for using the very words you gave ME one year ago today to get me focused and inspired once again. I will do my best not to let you down.

Oh, and to add insult to injury (LOL) - I actually blogged a part 2 on this day one year ago as well. Here it is: {Day 22: Chemo 2 Part 2.... My Inspiration} As the title indicates, it is on {inspiration} just in case you need a little of that today.

Blessings and Love,
Andrea

How Quickly We Forget...

I had my scan on Monday, some of you knew that and some of you didn't because of my lack of blogging lately. If this one comes back clear then I can get my port out. For those of you who don't know what a port is, you can go here and read more about it. This was actually inserted in my chest 1 year and 5 days ago and God willing within the next month I will have it out.

Of all of the stuff I have gone through, the port has been one of the most irritating. I know... sounds weird since I went through chemo and radiation to complain about such a small thing (and no, I should not be complaining at all) but my daughter has no concept of the discomfort she can cause when she crawls all over me and puts her full pressure on "the port". You want to see me instantly go to my knees and cry like a little girl - she can definitely make me go there in a second. Okay, I don't REALLY cry, its like a whimper. I don't want you all to think I am going soft or anything like that. :-)

Anyway, as I went for my scan and they injected me with the junk that supposedly makes me glow on the inside, I was instantly reminded of my "patient days" and how crummy it makes you feel. After the scan and then lunch to celebrate my FIL's bday, I came home and slept for several hours. Again, I was reminded of how much this stuff takes it out of me.

Then, another thought occurred to me (you know I couldn't just leave it there) - how quickly I forgot what it was like to be that full-time patient and how that is such a blessing. It is a lot like child birth. God obviously gave me a very short term memory there because we have 4 and 3 were in less than 5 years. Maybe that isn't short term memory and just craziness - who really knows. Just kidding. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Anyway, I just found myself becoming even more grateful that God has allowed me to forget the discomfort of treatment so quickly. It is truly a gift.

Anyway, I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone else out there. Maybe, just maybe, you too have experienced God's grace in this way before as well.

Blessings,
Andrea

Resentment...

As you have probably noticed, I have been quiet on here lately. It has been nearly 2 weeks since my last post. I know there have been a few reasons why....

1.) I was just tired of writing about cancer. I was tired of thinking about it - even in a positive light of being past it and being cancer-free. And I kind of feel like you might be tired of reading about it too. I could be wrong.

It has been a year since this disease entered my life and it is definitely something that I want to put behind me completely. Yes, I will use the knowledge, compassion, and experience I have gained from it and do my best to help others. I acknowledge that I will never ever be the same - but beyond that, I do not want it to be the focus of my life.

I hear so often people say that they are grateful they had cancer. I am not one of those people. I think, "good for them" if it transformed their life in such a way. If they found salvation because they went through cancer then praise God for that. If their life was impacted in such a positive way that they can live by that statement - then I am honestly happy for them. I am just not one of those people.

I could have gone through my entire life without the experience of cancer and been perfectly happy. I do have resentment of what the cancer took from me. The precious time with my children, my "normal" life, my energy... but then I realize that is a very dangerous place to live. When we let that resentment camp out in our hearts it can be more destructive than we can possibly imagine. So, then I have to shift the paradigm of my thinking to what I know is real...

I know that it is real that there were blessings throughout my treatment. For example, I have met so many wonderful people and I will be able to cherish their friendship for the rest of my life. In fact, I was at a worship night at our church last night and one sweet girl that I met and have grown close to because of my cancer was there. She gave me a hug and told me that she loved me. My heart immediately went into a condition of thankfulness - yes, for the cancer. For if I would have not gone through that I would not have this delightful person in my life today. And there are countless people that fall into that category.

I have been able to reconnect with old friends from years and years gone by. Who knows why we fall out of touch and really who cares. The important thing is that we are able to draw near to those in our life, lift each other up, and just love one another no matter where we are at in our own lives.

I could really go on and on. No, I am not thankful for the cancer. I don't have a pillow with the saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and a purple ribbon sitting on my bed. What I do have is a grateful heart that even though I went through the darkest time of my life - God never left me and even more amazingly - HE BLESSED ME!

He didn't just get me through it - he gave me gifts of love and provisions beyond my wildest dreams. He gave me family, friends, a church family, and a community that tenderly cared for me when I could not care for myself. No, I am not grateful for the cancer. But I am grateful for what God gave me in the midst of it. Those things I will cherish always.

I know I said there were other reasons I have been absent lately but I think this is enough for today. I am teary eyed upon my reflections and that is always a good place to stop. I will write more about this later... and I will try to make that sooner than later.

Blessings,
Andrea

1 Year Ago Today: The Worst Day Ever!

One year ago today was one of the worst days of my life. If you have been following my story, you know it was the day that I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It is amazing how those few words, "We think you have Lymphoma," can turn your entire world upside down in an instant.

I think this past year was the longest year, yet the fastest year of my life. I know that probably doesn't make any sense. But while I was in it, things just seemed to crawl by but now that it is over it seems like it happened in a flash.

It is hard to believe that in one year that I could have such ultimate devastation and in that same year experience such victory.

One thing is for sure, I will never be the same. It has changed me in a way that I never knew possible and I don't even think I have even become aware of the most of these changes yet.

It has also given me a whole new platform to minister from and for that I am grateful.

So, as I look on this past year I feel relief that it is over. I feel joy that I was able to get through it. I feel some sadness at the time that I feel I lost and I feel conviction to make the most of the time I have from here on out. But most of all, I just feel thankful.

I feel thankful to God for being right there with me and for keeping me here for my family. I feel thankful for the amazing husband I have that truly stood by my side and completely lived out that "in sickness and in health" thing. I am so thankful for the hearts that my children have and how they handled "mommy being sick" for so long. I am grateful to my family and friends and for all you did for us this past year. I am thankful for the strangers who have also supported us. It has been truly inspiring. I am thankful for the countless prayers that have been said on our behalf.

I am truly just grateful for life.

As I watch in amazement and wonder how this journey has changed my family, I reflect on my favorite moments from the past year. Here are just a few of them:

1.) When my friends and family surprised me outside of the cancer center after my last chemo treatment.
2.) The staff at the doctor's office throwing confetti and playing a funny song after my radiation was complete.
3.) Hearing the news that I was finally cancer free. Going to lunch with my hubby to celebrate and just sitting there sobbing at the table when it finally hit me - It. Was. Finished.
4.) The prayers from my children throughout the journey - "Please God, make mommy's sickness go away."
5.) The prayers of my children after it was finished, "God, thank you for making mommy's cancer go away."
6.) Connecting with friends from long ago.
7.) Making some new friends along the way.
8.) Being able to share my thoughts, feelings, heartache, joy, and everything else along the way on here with you. :-)

Thank you for reading.

Blessings,
Andrea

If you are interested in reading about my journey starting on this day one year ago, here are the links for the first week. I still can't make it through them as it is so very emotional each time I start to read them. Maybe you will have better luck. :-)

Prayer Request
Day 1: The Shock
Day 2: A Day of Rest
Day 3: A Peace Beyond All Understanding
Day 4: Being "Normal"
Update!
Come Rejoice With Me!!!
Day 5&6: The Whirlwind
Day 7: Fatigue

Happy Reading!