So, How Did Your Week Go?

How did my week go?

Thanks for asking...

Well, that's an interesting question... 

Normally I kind of prefer a pass/fail kind of evaluation.

But I really don't know if I my heart can take that kind of rejection right now.

However, there is a glass half full/glass half empty scenario I could easily apply here. 

For example, if emails were an indication of my success or failure in my week it would scream fail to most.

I currently have 316 unread emails in my inbox.. oh wait, 317. Please, no one else email me until I finish this blog! 

And that is just the unread ones, I am too ashamed to tell you how many "read" emails I have that still need some sort of "action" on my behalf. {sigh}

Yeah, I don't even want to hear from any of you who have like 5 whole emails in your inbox, alphabetized and starred accordingly. Or those who say, I never go to bed with anything in my inbox. 

I know you are out there. 

Back to my cup half full scenario. At some point in the week - can't tell you which day because it is really all one giant blurrrrrrr - but there were over 500 emails just sitting their patiently waiting to be read. So, I think I battled back quite nicely because I get at least 100 emails a day - usually more. (Glass half full!!! ;-)

Wait, you don't get 100 emails a day? 

How do you get on that list?

How did I get on this email tangent?

Don't answer that. 

Back to my week...

First, homeschooling a whatever-grade-my-oldest-son-is-in. 

(This is homeschool language for when your child is like doing 6 different grade levels or when your child is smarter than you - not going to reveal which one this situation applies to.)

My first grader. 

My pre-kindergarten/kindergartner (more homeschool talk for when a mom isn't quite ready to accept that her 4 year old [to be 5 in 3 weeks] is doing kindergarten schoolwork). 

All with a precious two year old - who constantly loves to explore her boundaries right now -little girl. (Translation - she constantly tries to test her mother and quickly throws a temper tantrum any time her boundaries and mommies boundaries don't get along.) 

And that was just the first day....

My oldest is playing volleyball and I am also coaching - which I love - don't get me wrong. 

I truly love having that special time with him.  

But it always amazes me how much energy it takes to coach. 

One plus - I don't have to work out on volleyball days because I totally get my work out in while I am there. (Glass half full!!! ;-)

God has also decided to bless me with some work right now. Awesome! I think...

No, in all seriousness... Things are good. 

However, it is a new season. 

One of adjustment.

Change.

Adaptation.

And. Joy.

The joy of the new milestones we are accomplishing as a family.

The joy of me being here to witness and be apart of these milestones. 

The joy of just being alive...

So what if I have 317 emails, err 320 emails. 

So what if I don't do everything perfectly.

Or don't get everything crossed of my checklist. 

I know in my life those aren't the things that matters most....

This is...

And I wouldn't trade {THIS} for anything.
Thank.You.God.

As a lady once told me - relationships are the only thing you can take with you.

Where ever you are in life and however the week for you... I hope that it was half full for you too.

Blessings.

{mitch+audra} ~ est. 7.31.2010

Today is my little sister and brother-in-laws 2 year anniversary. 

It is hard to believe that it has been 2 years already.

I love seeing their happiness and joy....

....as they build their life together. 

Happy Anniversary Mitch and Audra.  

Love you two. 

My [Other] Birthday Today

Yesterday was my birthday and it was amazing. I will share more about that later. But today is another big day for me....

One year ago today I received my last chemo treatment. 

Wow. 1 year has gone by? Really?

I have a ton of emotions today. I am so grateful first of all. There are just really no words that will do this justice. I am grateful that I am still here. I am grateful that I am not in treatment anymore. I am grateful to be a survivor.

I feel an excitement that this is REALLY behind me. Sometimes it is hard to believe that I am really past this and sometimes I am scared to believe it. Like if I really believe it and then I find out it isn't real I don't know if I can withstand the heartbreak. But, that is where faith comes in.

I also feel sick to my stomach when I think about one year ago today and what I was doing. I really do. I honestly hate thinking about it because it brings back how awful I felt. I can even smell and taste how it felt - yes, chemo has a taste - and it is terrible. So, I really try not to go back there for long. However, it does enhance my joy and appreciation of today to do so.

Anyway, I know that many of you have walked along this journey with me. Some in the flesh and others by reading my blog. I appreciate you all. For if it weren't for your prayers and support I know that today could have been very different. And not just for me - but for the four little precious people who call me mama and the one big precious person that calls me wife.

I think I rejoice mostly for them.

{My Independence Day}

This year 4^th of July represented a lot for me. Not only were we able to celebrate the freedoms we enjoy in this country – like that we have the right to own a bible (and read it whenever we  want), we have the right to speak freely about our beliefs and non-beliefs - and the list can go on and on. But it had a great deal of personal meaning as well.

One of those things was that it marked the 6 month anniversary for me being in remission. 6 months. Can you believe it? There are moments I still can’t believe that the whole thing happened. I feel like I just woke up from a nightmare.

Anyway, we had a great day (without fireworks due to the high risk of fire in our state) but fun nonetheless. Here is a glimpse…

We were so blessed to have such a wonderful day together. I hope your 4th of July was just as special.

***Just so you know who's who in the picture collage: 1.) My hubby (upper left) 2.) Cale (oldest son - upper right) 3.) Creide (green boots - age 4) and Ky (age 6) 4.) One of the lakes at Grand Mesa in Colorado 5.) Kearyn (my baby girl - age 2) and Audra (my little sister) 6.) Ky and our pup Gauge 7.) Hubby and Creide 8.) Creide and Gauge

Our New Addition

We have a new addition to the {g} family and we couldn't be more excited.

This is Gauge.

He is 17 weeks old and we have had him since the day before Easter.

He is truly the sweetest thing and he absolutely loves the kids. 

Welcome, Gauge, to {The Gressman Family}!

May you have a long and happy life with us. 

A Heartbreaking Story....

As I wrote earlier tonight, I am preparing for my news tomorrow and admittedly I was feeling a little bit "blah" getting ready to face another day of the post-cancer life. I was surfing through the blogs I keep up on tonight passing the time before my brain would finally be ready to turn off and welcome sleep. I went to a blog of a girl who is currently going through chemo right now. You can find her at Little Blue Boo . Even though I can feel every single thing she is going through right now to the very core of my body, she has an amazing attitude about it and I love it.

However, today she had a little blurb about another family that she is doing a fund-raiser for. I just could not resist reading about them even though I knew it was going to be sad. It became a sharp reminder that no matter how bad things are for you - someone else is always going through something worse. You can read more about the family here.

The mama was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in January 2011 (I was diagnosed Feb. 2011). But here is the kicker - their baby girl was diagnosed with another type of cancer in May of 2011 at 11 months old (she was just a few weeks younger than my baby girl). Their baby girl passed away in Dec. 2011 at 18 months old. My heart literally breaks for them. I cannot imagine what they have or are going through.

I remember standing in my kitchen just a few days after my diagnosis staring off into nothingness. That is when it hit me - I was so grateful it was me and not one of my children. I literally thanked God in that very moment.

You see, I remember what it was like going through all of the surgeries and medical stuff with my oldest boy, Cale. I remember sitting in a rocking chair, holding his tiny little body, and praying that God would give me his pain. He and I did that for the first 14 months of his life (4 surgeries and a tracheotomy tube for those 14 months) and then 2 more surgeries later on and it was the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced in my life. As a mom I was supposed to make things better for him and I couldn't. All I could do was hold him and love him...

12 years later it still takes my breath away and I am so grateful that he made it through it. I cannot imagine life without him.

Anyway, I just felt convicted to share a little bit about this other family. I will be lifting them up in prayer and thought maybe you could too.

Blessings,
Andrea

Resentment...

As you have probably noticed, I have been quiet on here lately. It has been nearly 2 weeks since my last post. I know there have been a few reasons why....

1.) I was just tired of writing about cancer. I was tired of thinking about it - even in a positive light of being past it and being cancer-free. And I kind of feel like you might be tired of reading about it too. I could be wrong.

It has been a year since this disease entered my life and it is definitely something that I want to put behind me completely. Yes, I will use the knowledge, compassion, and experience I have gained from it and do my best to help others. I acknowledge that I will never ever be the same - but beyond that, I do not want it to be the focus of my life.

I hear so often people say that they are grateful they had cancer. I am not one of those people. I think, "good for them" if it transformed their life in such a way. If they found salvation because they went through cancer then praise God for that. If their life was impacted in such a positive way that they can live by that statement - then I am honestly happy for them. I am just not one of those people.

I could have gone through my entire life without the experience of cancer and been perfectly happy. I do have resentment of what the cancer took from me. The precious time with my children, my "normal" life, my energy... but then I realize that is a very dangerous place to live. When we let that resentment camp out in our hearts it can be more destructive than we can possibly imagine. So, then I have to shift the paradigm of my thinking to what I know is real...

I know that it is real that there were blessings throughout my treatment. For example, I have met so many wonderful people and I will be able to cherish their friendship for the rest of my life. In fact, I was at a worship night at our church last night and one sweet girl that I met and have grown close to because of my cancer was there. She gave me a hug and told me that she loved me. My heart immediately went into a condition of thankfulness - yes, for the cancer. For if I would have not gone through that I would not have this delightful person in my life today. And there are countless people that fall into that category.

I have been able to reconnect with old friends from years and years gone by. Who knows why we fall out of touch and really who cares. The important thing is that we are able to draw near to those in our life, lift each other up, and just love one another no matter where we are at in our own lives.

I could really go on and on. No, I am not thankful for the cancer. I don't have a pillow with the saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and a purple ribbon sitting on my bed. What I do have is a grateful heart that even though I went through the darkest time of my life - God never left me and even more amazingly - HE BLESSED ME!

He didn't just get me through it - he gave me gifts of love and provisions beyond my wildest dreams. He gave me family, friends, a church family, and a community that tenderly cared for me when I could not care for myself. No, I am not grateful for the cancer. But I am grateful for what God gave me in the midst of it. Those things I will cherish always.

I know I said there were other reasons I have been absent lately but I think this is enough for today. I am teary eyed upon my reflections and that is always a good place to stop. I will write more about this later... and I will try to make that sooner than later.

Blessings,
Andrea

What NOT to Do #1: Don't Tell Someone to Slap Their Child...[Yes, this happened to me!]

This little blog post has been rolling around in my head for a couple of days because I honestly didn't know how to approach it. So, I decided to start a series of what NOT to do. As things come up in life - I will add to it.

Yes, this really happened to me.... Someone told me I should slap my 18-month-old daughter. A complete stranger. In public. To me, that is wrong on SO many levels but before I get to all of that I will give you the situation. :-)

We were having a birthday lunch for Jason (yes, it made it even worse because it was a celebration) and Kearyn was getting restless. So, like most 18-month-old's do (or I guess I should say at least my kids do) she throws a fit. Now I will be honest - she let out a scream and Jason and I were mortified.

1. We are not used to these girl screams. I mean, come on! They come close to being at the level where only dogs can hear!
2. We expect our children to behave (obviously as all parents do) and so this stage of the game -when your kids are learning what is expected of them - is always a bit stressful for us.

You see, Jason and I are not pro-tantrum. We are actually anti-tantrum. We work really hard to get our kids through this stage as quickly as possible and I think we have had a bit of success with our methods. Let's examine: 2 out of the 4 children we have no longer throw fits at all (success!) and our youngest son gets dramatic every once and a while but we do what we did with our other two - we correct him - and these situations are happening less and less (partial success with an optimistic future!).

So, my baby girl lets out a scream and I hear this "Oh My ____" from the next table. It is important to note at this time that there was a partition that separated us from this table and I could hear this lady over my daughters high octave screech.

Jason and I are continuing to try to address the situation - first telling her "no-no, we don't act like this", etc., etc. I then hear it....

Lady: You need to just smack that child!
Me: (Biting tongue.)
Lady: It is hard for me to believe children act like that since I raised 2 of my own.
Me: (Still biting tongue, sitting on hands, eye-lid twitching, rocking back and forth.)

At this point the lady keeps sputtering on and Jason finally says, "Is she talking about us?"

Me: Yeppppp!

Kearyn is quiet by this point but this lady is not. I can no longer stand it... so I say something. I know, I know... all of my friends and mentors who are reading this are cringing right now saying "No Andrea, No!" But when you have a conflict with someone you are suppose to go to them, right? So, I went to her.  Here is a rundown of the conversation...

Me: Excuse me... I just wanted to apologize for my daughter making so much noise and disturbing your lunch.
Lady: Yeah, don't you know that there are actually other people in the restaurant.
Me: Yes ma'am we are but she is only 18-months-old and we are doing our best to teach her how to behave. But I am just going to tell you that I am not going to smack my daughter. I just don't believe in that.
Lady: (Deer-in-headlights look) Oh, well I wouldn't expect you to do that.
Me: Really? Well, I thought I heard you tell me that I should smack her.
Lady: Well, I just meant that is what I would have done if my children would have ever acted that way - which they didn't. Well, maybe once.
Me: Really? Wow! Because all 4 of my children have acted this way at one time.
Lady: You have four children....???? (Note shock in her voice.)
Me: Yes, the other three are sitting over here too, you probably haven't heard a peep out of them have you.
Lady: (She says nothing).
Me: Well, I just wanted to apologize for the disruption and I hope you enjoy the remainder of your lunch.
Lady: (After I sit back down.) Well, that was rude.
Lady's grown daughter who had been sitting next to her the whole time: No it wasn't.

So, why do I have such issue with this....

1.) I am the parent. I am dealing with the situation. It wasn't like we had just let her scream for 10 minutes straight. We were addressing it. It is already stressful enough for the parent - why make it worse!

2.) Why would a complete stranger feel like they can speak into my life on this level. Discipline is a very personal thing that couples have to put a great deal of prayer and thought into. So do you really think I am going to take the advise of someone I don't even know who is yelling this advise over a partition in a restaurant  Um.... no!

3.) Even if I did believe in smacking my child (Note - there is a difference between smacking and spanking. I am not talking about whether I agree with spanking or not.) that would have only made the situation 5000 times worse!

I am usually a super patient person. But when it comes to my kids - obviously the mama bear comes out. It is my pet peeve when other people discipline my children. Don't get me wrong, if I am not there and they are about ready to run into the road, by all means - tell them to stay out of the road! But then come tell me and then my husband and I will address it.

It really bugs me when I am starting to correct my child and someone jumps in and corrects them over the top of me. I want to say so badly - I am handling it and your are not helping!

It bothers me even more if they do this to my husband. My husband is supposed to be the leader of our family. When someone steps in like that they are undermining the paradigm that God has established for us. My children see this and this could potentially affect the way my 3 sons lead their households or how my daughter allows her husband to lead her household.

Anyway, I just had to share this story. Hopefully you had a good laugh and just in case you didn't know.... Don't tell someone to slap their child.  ;-)




 

{inspired'11}: Day 1 - 30 Days to Live....

{inspired'11}

day.1


{My Prompt Response}

I remember, (Wow! It was actually 10 months ago from today!) when I was first diagnosed that the thought that I was going to die in the near future was very real to me. So, as I think about this question - if I only had 30 days to live, how would I spend it? - I would most likely do the very same things that I did when I was first diagnosed with cancer – only even more deliberate.

I remember that it was very difficult for those who were closest to me to see me plan for the worst. Many would tell me that I needed to be optimistic - they would reassure me time and time again that I was going to be fine - they would tell me to keep my faith. It wasn't that I was not optimistic - that I didn't believe with all my heart that I was going to be fine - or that I didn't have faith…. What was going through my mind at that time was that you never know what is going to happen. I wanted to hope for the best but be prepared just in case.  

I am sure that nearly everyone else out there that is diagnosed with one form of cancer or another (or any other potentially life-threatening disease) do not actually believe that they are going to die. But the fact remains, that sadly some of them do. I knew that even though I hoped and prayed to the very core of my soul that it wouldn't be me - it could be…. I also knew that if it were me - I had a duty and a responsibility to my husband and my children to leave as much of "me" behind as I possibly could. 

The first thing I started doing was writing on {here} as much as possible. I wanted my children to know my voice and if I wasn’t going to be here so they could verbally hear me then at least they would have my written word. I wanted them to know my journey – even the struggles. I wanted them to know how hard I fought for them to stay here as long as I possibly could. How I didn’t go easily. I wanted them to know my love for them and their daddy. How it was an honor to be Jason’s wife and Cale, Ky, Creide, and Kearyn’s mama.

Most importantly – I wanted them to know how much I love God. Despite it all – I love the Lord with all my heart and I wanted them to know that I wasn’t angry at Him, I didn’t blame Him, all I had was love. Even though I had cancer and was going through the hardest time of my life – I knew God was right there with me and without Him I wouldn’t have any of it…. Not even the good things that I cherish so much.

The next thing I did was have our family pictures taken. My friend, Jess (you can see her work {here}), graciously agreed to take them for us and I will truly be forever grateful for her heart of willingness. She did an amazing job and was able to truly capture the personality of our family. I will treasure those memories forever. 

It was important for me to have these done right away. I didn’t want them done 6 months down the road with my hair gone and me looking awful because of the months of drugs that had been pumped into my body. I wanted my husband and my children to remember me as healthy as they possibly could.

When the pictures were taken I had actually already gone through one chemo treatment. I remember the thought of cancelling went through my mind because I didn’t feel very well at all but I am so grateful that I didn’t.

Another thing that I did was I arranged a potluck and invited all of our friends and family. I knew that the next few months were going to be tough and that I wouldn’t be able to see them very much. I wanted one last time where we could get together and celebrate life together.

If I knew that I only had 30 days to live… after I did all of the things listed above I would spend every second possible with my husband and my children. I would ask my husband to take off as much time from work as possible and I would create as many memories as I could with them. I would document everything – both in writing and with photos. I would write letters to each of them and make sure that I was right with God….

How would you spend your last 30 days?

You can post your comments below (even anonymously) or you can email them to me at andreagressman (at) gmail.com  

This is a {prompt-response} for the {inspired'11} series I am doing for the month of December. If you would like to participate, check back daily for the writing prompt. It is as simple as that! 

Happy Birthday Jason!!!

Today is Jason's birthday. We are so grateful to be able to call this man {husband} and {daddy}. :-)

There are no words to describe the {heart} that this man has. If you know him, you just can't help but to want to know him better. If you don't know him, you don't know what you are missing out on.

For those of you who don't know {our} story.... Jason and I actually went to the same daycare together. I was 7 and he was 8. I remember him doing things like bouncing his little brother off of the trampoline and giving him a bloody nose. But I also remember him doing things like taking the food that his brother didn't like so his little brother wouldn't get in trouble for not eating it. (Hey, that is sweet when your 8 years old.)

I remember him in middle school and junior high - he was SOOO much taller than the other boys - how could you miss him! People ask if we dated in high school. The answer... Jason would have had to talk to me in order for us to date. You see, Jason was one of the shyest people I have ever met. He definitely didn't talk to girls and since I was a girl - he didn't talk to me. Although, there is a lovely story about him having to run a lap on the baseball field because of me. :-) (Jason - you should have been paying attention to your coach instead of the track girls running behind the backstop. :-) You all can ask him about that the next time you see him. LOL!

The truth is, I was actually the one that had to ask Jason on our first date. (The one and only time I ever asked a boy on a date, thank goodness - and he really wasn't a boy anymore, we were in our early 20's.) What can I say - desperate times called for desperate measures. (Remember the shyness thing...I always say that if I would have waited for him to ask me out on a date then our children still would not have been born.) :-) Needless to say, things worked out. ;-)

The one thing that you have to know about J is that he has always been a good person. He has always been a gentleman. You never heard him say high school boy things (yeah, we don't even need to go there) and to all the youth group high school boys that happen to be reading this (yes, the 1) I, of course, know that you would never say anything like what I am referring to. ;-)

Anyway, J is the most amazing husband and I should know because I have thoroughly tested him. This past year he has taken amazing care of me and our children when I could not even take care of myself - let alone 4 kids! When I was going through chemo he had to be both mom and dad and thank goodness my chemo didn't last any longer because he did such an amazing job I think I was about ready to lose my job. :-)

Here are just a few things that I will continually be thankful to Jason for....

Thank you, Jason, for saying yes to that nervous phone call all those many years ago. (Heck no, I didn't ask him in person - I am WAY too chicken for that.)
Thank you, Jason, for choosing me.
Thank you, Jason, for the sacrifices you have made for us.
Thank you, Jason, for putting up with me. (That in itself is a full-time job.)
Thank you, Jason, for taking care of me in sickness and in health.
Thank you, Jason, for taking care of my children when I could not.
Thank you, Jason, for being that type of daddy that you are.
Thank you, Jason, for modeling what a Godly man is supposed to be for my boys and what a Godly husband is supposed to look like for my daughter - even though she is never going to find a man that will live up to your standards... it is still a nice "theory".
Thank you, Jason, for loving us the way you do.
Thank you, Jason, for just being you.

We are so grateful for you each and everyday. As I was looking back through the pictures, so many memories came flooding back. I have loved every minute of our life together (even though there were some moments I didn't like so much - namely chemo and radiation). I would redo every second of it all over again just so I could be with you.

South Dakota days.

Alaska days.

Ky turning {one}.

Coming back from our camping trip. Creide sporting his new hat that the sheriff's deputy gave him because he felt bad for pulling us over - falsely suspecting that we had stole our camper. (This stuff only happens to us :-)

Our special day.

{us}

Thank you for the memories. We love you dearly.

{Thankfulness}....6 Things I Am Truly {Thankful} For

For those who know me best - you have probably noticed that I have not written about being {thankful} yet, despite it being the theme for this wonderful month. I honestly have been trying... I have started several posts. But I have so many things to be thankful for that it seemed impossible to do this subject any justice.

So, here is a feeble attempt to cover some of the things that I am so thankful for. I know I will not be able to cover it all but it is at least a start...

1. {God.} 

For those of you who are reading this - I have no idea if you believe in God or not. But for me, there is no other way but the way of the Lord. He has blessed me so abundantly - even when I did not deserve it (which is most of the time :-). I would not have survived all that I have in my life if it weren't for His grace, mercy and love.

     2.  {My Husband.} 

One of the greatest blessings that God has given me is the man that I call my husband.  He has seen me at my absolute worst and still loves me anyway. He has continually put himself last time and time again to take care of me, our children, his ministry, and everything else God has called him to do.

There are no words to describe how this man has loved me so well. He has held me when my body has hurt so badly I thought I would crawl out of my skin. He has sat by my side as I have gotten sick time and time again. He has rubbed my feet and hands for hours because he knew it made me feel just a little bit better. My husband has not just loved me with words, he has loved me with is actions, his selflessness and unconditional giving. I am so truly thankful for him each and every day. If I could choose all over again - I would DEFINITELY choose him. :-)

     3.  {My Children.} 

There are no words to describe how much I love my children and how thankful I am for them. I could literally write a book just about my kids. Probably 4 of them - one for each of them. :-) I am overwhelmed that God chose me to be their mother. I am truly honored.

Each of my children are so different and I am thankful for that as well. I love witnessing how uniquely God has made each of them. I love watching their gifts and their talents grow and develop and I can't wait to see how God ends up using each of them.

I am thankful for each day, each hour, each minute, and each second with them. One of the most heartbreaking parts of my diagnosis was not knowing how many of these I would have left. In all honesty - none of us know how much time we have left and I am determined not to squander mine on things that do not matter. My children matter.

 When each of them give me those special hugs throughout the day I find myself squeezing them for another second - soaking up the cherished moment. There is no place I would rather be. :-)

     4.  {Our Family.}

We are very blessed to live so close to so much of our family. They are there in a moments notice. They have definitely filled the gaps these last few months where we fell short. Their love for us is amazing and we are so thankful for it.

They are key fixtures in my children's lives. The time they get to spend with them is truly precious. The things that they learn from each of them and the memories that they are able to create are priceless and I know they will carry them with them for all of their days.

     5.   {My Friends.} 

Wow. Where do I begin? Thank you to my friends who have loved me even when I was unlovable. Thank you to my friends who stood by my side no matter what. Some of you came to my house and scrubbed my floors. Some of you sat there by my side while they injected me with my chemo cocktail. You called and left messages even though you knew I was too weak to return them. You sent emails even though you knew I was too tired to reply. You cooked for my family when I could not. You took care of my children when I had no energy to do so. You listened to me when I complained and felt sorry for myself. You read my blog. :-) You gave me grace. You were my friend even though I couldn't be your friend back. I am SO thankful for you. You are a true treasure. (You know who you are.)

     5.   {Our Church Body.}

There are no words to describe the love and support that our church family and friends have given us. They have stood by our sides through loss and sickness, through broken arms and ER visits. They have met us on this road called life countless times and they have helped us to keep moving forward, closer to the cross all the while growing closer to our Lord Jesus.

     6.    {Our Community.} 

The support we have received from our community has been overwhelming. People that I do not even know personally will stop me and ask me my name. They will then say something like, "I have been praying for you," or "I have been reading your blog." They hear our story from a variety of ways - our family, our friends, friends of friends. They take time out of their lives to follow our journey and truly care and for that I will be forever grateful.

So, I have to tell you this was not an easy one to write. It was very emotional for me to think of these  and try to put into words how I feel about each of them. This is only a small piece of all that I am thankful for and, like I said, I could go on and on but I will spare you from that.

I am thankful for you - all who read this as well. You have allowed me to process all of the emotions and feelings that I could have so easily stuffed down deep somewhere. You have supported me and I am grateful.

Blessings,
Andrea

Family Fun: {The Corn Maze & The Pumpkin Patch}

A couple of weeks ago we made a family trip to the corn maze and pumpkin patch. We met up with some good friends and the boys had a ton of fun navigating their way through the 6 mile corn maze.

We then made our way to the pumpkin patch. It was so fun watching the boys select their "perfect" pumpkins. We must have examined nearly every pumpkin there. Ky was especially determined to find "just the right one" which meant that it didn't even have dirt on it. I kept telling him that we could wash any dirt off but he kept at it until he found the one he wanted.

Thank goodness Jason was there to cart our treasures back to the vehicle from clear across the field.

I was just as bad though. I spotted Kearyn's blue pumpkin clear across the field as well and couldn't resist claiming it as our own despite the distance.

I am so thankful for days like this.

I am a Superstar!

One of the things I missed so very much when I was going through my treatment was actually cooking for my family. I had a wonderful network of friends that totally stepped into our lives and made sure my family had meal after meal covered for us. It was overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time and I will be forever grateful.

However, after 6 months of chemo every other week, I can tell that I really did miss cooking for my family. So, now that my treatment is behind me - I have just submerged myself back into being a wife and a mother  - and it. feels. wonderful!

Tonight I made homemade pizza which is one of my boys' all-time fav's. I make the crust from scratch and the whole nine yards. Part of the process of my baking and cooking is that my boys always help me. I think that is probably what I missed most about the cooking thing. It doesn't matter what I am making I will eventually hear the sound of my dining room chairs being brought in the kitchen. Before long, I will have all of them in there with me and I do my very best to come up with "jobs" that each of my boys can do. It never bothers me to have them in there with me - and I don't even mind the mess. :-)

It has always been my determination that by the time my boys leave home that they will be able to proficiently cook for themselves. I also feel like I will make some young lady extremely happy someday when she chooses to marry one of my sons to find out that he indeed knows his way around the kitchen. Back to the pizza....

So, tonight I made individual pan pizzas and they each got to create their own. They were loving it as they always do. My hubby asked the boys if they liked their pizza and they literally started hooping and hollering like they were at a rock concert. It was so funny - I started to laugh but then it got really funny.... my oldest, out of the blue, yells out, "She looked at me!" He sounded just like someone at some concert or event where the star actually looks at some fan in the audience. We all started laughing so hard because it was just so random and so funny all at the same time.

I was so grateful for the moment and I realized that I am a superstar - at least I am in my own home. Despite all my imperfections and shortcomings as a wife and a mother there are still four little people and one big person that looks at me and loves me just for who I am - their wife and mother. I am grateful for all that I have and I am grateful to be that "superstar" (even if it IS just over pizza) of my home because there is truly nowhere else I would rather be.

Favorite September Moments.... {part 1}

It seems like September has just flown by! I cannot believe that it is almost over. I did not do much blogging in this month. We really just tried to take some time to hunker down and enjoy the calm before the storm so-to-speak.

There have been some wonderfully amazing moments throughout this month and I just wanted to share a few of them with you...

1.{School}

As some of you know we homeschool our children. I prayed about this decision more this year than ever before for obvious reasons. But each time I really started to try to think about another option I just felt God saying It's going to be okay.... 

I was nervous for a couple of reasons.... 1.) I have cancer. Okay, so there isn't a lot of discussion needed there. 2.) I have a Kindergartner again. 3.) This Kindergartner has a very different learning style than my first Kindergartner. 4.) My first Kindergartner hasn't been in Kindergarten for many years now. 

But I have really tried to do everything I can do throughout my cancer to keep things as normal as possible and doing school at home is normal for us. I also found myself some awesome new curriculum (thanks to Mrs. B., Cale's writing class teacher) and this program has a nice, tidy little schedule so I didn't have to worry about doing that this year and I also have a rockin' husband who really does a wonderful job teaching the kids as well. I am blessed.

So, we started school and soon my nervousness melted away and I realized all over again why I do this, how much I love it, how much the kids love it, and once again.... I am blessed. I just feel so blessed that God has graciously given me the strength to do this only 2 months post chemo. It really is a miracle. And I just wanted to share our first completed project of Kindergarten 2011. 

A is for......

Thank you Ky for being such a wonderful student. It has already been such a joy to be your teacher. No only 25 more letters to go. 

Chemo #12....{Hopefully My Last}

Chemo #12 was pretty rough. It was rough right out of the gate - far worse than any other treatment. I was very weak even before I left the cancer center. I am always weak when I am done with my treatments but this time I was even more so.

Upon leaving the cancer center......I was surprised by this.

These are the the friends and family that decided to surprise me outside the cancer treatment center to celebrate my last treatment {hopefully}. The crazy thing is that it was like a million degrees out there and my treatment ran late so they all waited like 45 minutes in the blazing heat! I feel so loved.

They brought me balloons, flowers, even cupcakes! I was overwhelmed of course at the thought of all of these people taking time out of their busy day to wait for me. Thank you and I love you all! It was such a blessing to have you all there.

After my treatment I was pretty much bed-ridden for the next 5 days. I couldn't hold my eyes open with toothpicks I was so exhausted. At least I wasn't throwing up though. I would much rather sleep for 5 days than throw up.

Now, I am still recovering. They told me it would take 6-8 months. I feel like I have had to dedicate so much time to this stupid disease but I know God has a plan.

So now I have to wait for the next set of tests to determine whether or not my cancer is gone and I am truly in remission. In the meantime I am enjoying the time that I have regardless. I refuse to sit and think the worst all of the time and waste my days away. Whether I need more treatments or not these days are still gifts from God and I intend to enjoy them to the fullest.
Love you all and thanks for reading.

~Andrea

Together Again...

Sorry I have not posted in a few days. This past week was a bit different for our family. Jason was on a mission trip (which went amazingly well I have to add) and the boys were busy doing their thing and so it was just the baby and I for a bit - which was amazing as well. 

But as we all came back together again we really tried to soak up the family time before my next treatment.....the second to last.... It seems like I am so close to being done. 

2 weeks and 1 day until my last treatment. 2 weeks and 1 day... It seems like such a short amount of time but my body will have so much work to do between now and then. Don't get me wrong, I know I can do it and I know I will do it. Now it is just a matter of walking it out. 

Anyway, I will post more a little later. I have had many revelations in the past week or so that I want to share. God has been doing a mighty work in my own heart and that has been exciting. 

Hope you all are having a delightful summer so far and I will talk to you soon!

Blessings

Happy Birthday Grandad!

Yesterday was my Grandad's birthday. I have been so blessed because I have been able to spend so much time around my grandparents my whole life! In fact, from the time I was about 13 to when I left home I actually lived right across the road from them. I loved that so much and cherish those memories.

I have so many great memories of my grandparents and just their unconditional love and support. One of my favorite memories of my grandad was during my senior year in high school. He loved to watch me play any kind of sport but especially basketball. Not only did he make every single game (no matter what town it was in) he also made every single practice! Now that is true love when you sit in a stinky gym 2 hours a day every single night!

I also remember a time that we went to play in Denver and he told me that he wasn't going to be able to make it over. I am warming up for the game and all of the sudden I see him walk into the gym. He just couldn't stay home so he caught a ride with one of the other parents. Isn't that the sweetest thing ever!

His support meant so much to me then and it still means so much to me now. On Sundays Jason usually leaves by 7am to go to work and usually doesn't get home until around 9:30-10:00pm after youth group. On the Sundays after my chemo treatments my grandparents usually come out for part of the day to help me with the kids. I know it is very hard for them to see me go through this - I can see it in their eyes. Parents and grandparents think they are sneaky and can hide things from their kids/grandkids - but that only works when the kids/grandkids are young. I can see their pain but yet - they come anyway.

Happy Birthday Grandad! I love you dearly and just feel so blessed to be your grandaughter. Thank you for always being so wonderful.

Day 48: Family Time

The Monday before my treatment is always a bitter-sweet day for us. It is one of the days that I feel the very best but it is also the last day that I really get to spend some good quality time with my family before treatment again. Monday is Jason's day off before he heads back into the office Tuesday.

This Monday we decided to enjoy a lunch as a family at a BBQ restaurant in town. The food was good, the kids were good, and we just really enjoyed our time together. Kearyn also got to try her first French fry! 

She is such a happy baby! 

These are the moments that get me through this. These are the moments that God gives me to cling to. 

Little Brother's Birthday!!!

So, today my (not so)little brother turned 17. (He is now way taller than I am. Not hard to do, I know.) I can remember when he was born and I just cannot believe that he is 17! I wanted to take a minute to say a few things about my liitle brother...

Today is kind of a bitter-sweet day. I know I have made a lot of references to that this year...the "bitter-sweets". I am overjoyed that we get to celebrate this birthday with him but I am sad because I know he only has one more year at home with my parents and then he will stretch his wings and fly off to some distant land. Sounds a bit dramatic or cliche but I really believe that he is going to travel the world (or at least the United States) before he settles down somewhere. He just likes adventure and travel too much to stay put in one place for long, at least right now anyway. I can tell you that I will miss him dearly.

Cole is my only brother and has always been different than my two sisters and I. It is hard to explain and if he reads this he will probably be totally mad at me but he was always more sensitive. (Not in a girly sort of way, just a caring sort of way.) To this day, there isn't a time that I see him that he doesn't give me a hug.

He is also so funny! He loves to make people laugh and he is just fun to be around. He has been teaching himself to play the guitar for the past couple of years and he is so talented! I love to hear him play. He is a great uncle to my kids. They just adore him and can't wait for their Uncle Co-Co (as they affectionately call him) to come over again and play with him. I know he will be a wonderful dad someday.

I pray for my brother all the time. That God gives him wisdom and the courage to pursue what God has planned for him. I know God has amazing things planned for him and I can't wait to see him live those out even if it does mean that he is a little further away from us then I would like.

So, I just want to say that I love you Brother and I wish you a very Happy Birthday!

This picture collage generated with Smilebox

Kearyn's Story....Part 2

For those of you just reading for the first time or at least reading about Kearyn for the first time I just wanted to give you a little background. Kearyn is our 6 month old little girl. Up until now, I have not posted much about her. There is just so much emotion that comes forward when I try to put what a blessing she has been to our family into words. I am now making the attempt with anticipation of falling very short. If you would like to read the first two posts you can select the links below:

Kearyn's Story....

Kearyn's Story....Part 1

Kearyn's Story....Part 2

Previously I shared the events that happened for us to make the decision to try for another baby. After the loss of our son this was not an easy decision and one that required a great deal of prayer. Finally my husband and I agreed that this was indeed what God wanted for us. 

It didn't take long for us to conceive. I remember reading the pregnancy test and I actually had this sinking feeling in my heart. Can I really do this? What if I lose this baby too? I know the saying well, "God will never give you more than you can handle," but that was not real to me at the time. I just knew I could not survive anymore loss. I was still grieving for my son and to lose another one would have been more than I could bare.

Walking through her pregnancy was difficult. In fact, I actually don't remember a lot of it. It was kind of a blur as I really was just going through the motions of life. I just couldn't wait to get to the next stage or the next milestone, and because of that I never really enjoyed the current one that I was in. I couldn't wait until I could feel her move. Each kick, roll, and back-flip I would relish because that meant she was okay. At least for that moment I knew she was okay and that is what would get me through to the next moment. 

Even though this should have been a time of joy for me, there was actually a lot of darkness. There were days that I would just spend the entire day in prayer begging God to keep her safe. I repeatedly asked for His protection over her and to keep her from any harm. I begged him to just keep her here with me. 

I felt like I could barely function normally. Of course, I never communicated my struggles with anyone else with exception to my husband and I don't even know if he realized how much I was struggling. Maybe he did, I don't know. This made things even harder. Everyone expected me to be "normal" and in some ways, beyond normal. They expected me to have that "pregnancy glow" about me. After all, what did I have to be sad about. I was expecting baby, what more did I want. They had no idea the day-to-day agony that I went through just waiting for my baby girl to arrive. 

With each doctor's visit I would hold my breath while they found her heartbeat. With each ultrasound I would anxiously search for her heartbeat. Thank God that I had a very patient doctor and his staff was equally wonderful. If it weren't for their reassurances and just openness for me to come in whenever I needed to I don't know what I would have done. 

About half way through our pregnancy we did find out that we were expecting a baby girl. It seemed like everyone's focus shifted to the fact that we were finally having a girl after three boys. I can tell you though that I really didn't care whether she was a boy or a girl as long as she was going to be in my arms and healthy. 

Finally, I came to the end of my pregnancy. I wasn't due until June 11, 2010 but I knew she would come early as all of my children have. As time ticked on we still had some trials ahead of us. I ended up getting very sick the beginning of May and ended up in the hospital. Then a week or so later my husband got extremely ill as well. This was only two weeks before her birth. We were desperately trying to finish things up in preparation for her arrival as we had just purchased a new home a couple of months before. With Jason being as sick as he was for as long as he was it did add a lot of stress to the mix. It was so close to her birth that I was wondering if he would in fact be better by the time that she was born. He ended up losing 25 pounds in 9 days but God graciously placed a hand of healing over my husband and he did get well in time for Kearyn's birth. The birth of our precious baby girl. To hear about that stay tuned for more of her story. Kearyn's story....