Why I Believe in God - A Miracle

Periodically I am asked why I believe it God.
Sometimes this question comes from people that are searching for their own beliefs.
Sometimes this questions comes from people who are steadfast in their belief that there is no God.
Regardless of who is asking the question, I always have the same answer.

How can I not?

For what God has done in my life there is no way that I cannot believe in Him.
And that is just me personally.
That does not even come close to describing what I have seen Him do in other lives.

Sure I face criticism for my beliefs.
I had someone tell me that it was natural for me to believe what I do when I have gone through something like I have (meaning the cancer) because it is the human tendency to try to cling to something that could possibly give me the outcome that I desired.
Um... okay...
One important note though - I believed in God before I was diagnosed too....

Anyway, I am not here to debate my belief.
People are entitled to their beliefs just as I am entitled to mine.
But I do want to share one of the many many ways I have seen God in my life.

Jason and I have actually had people ask us, even our Christian friends, how we can believe in Jesus after what we have gone through... the cancer... the multiple miscarriages... and other things that we won't get into.

Again, our answer... how can we not?

One way I saw God's provisions... God's miracle... was actually through my cancer.

What some of you may not know is that I found my first cancer symptom when my daughter was just 2 weeks old.
It was not there before and then suddenly the day she was 2 weeks old I found what I would later learn was a tumor in my neck.

Why is this a miracle?
Some people may say it is the opposite....

Because I didn't find that tumor during my pregnancy.
Can you even fathom the timing of it all?
I STILL struggle with the magnitude of how powerful this is in my life.

I am pregnant with my daughter.
A pregnancy that I white knuckled the entire time because of the loss of our son the year before...
But I am able to go through my entire pregnancy with the cancer growing in my body and still deliver this healthy baby girl.
Then 2 weeks later I find my first cancer symptom.

I see women all of the time that have been diagnosed with cancer during their pregnancies and then have to make those critical decisions.
I was actually there once myself but that is a story for another blog post.
But I cannot imagine having to make those decisions being pregnant with her after we had endured such a loss just one year, one month, and ten days before she was born.
I know God knew that I could not take that.
And he spared me from it.

I am also grateful that he allowed me to carry her full-term and that she was perfectly healthy despite the cancer growing inside me at the very same time.
A miracle.
My miracle.
One of many.

But God is not a God of just miracles.
He is a God of the everyday things.
Each day I walk it out with Him and each day I know how lost I would be without Him.
And I am grateful.
Grateful for it all.

I know that this may not seem like a big deal to some but it is a huge deal to me.
And to my last breath on this earth I will rejoice for the gifts that He has given me.
2 weeks.
He gave me 2 weeks.
And it made all the difference for this mamma.
And one very special baby girl.

What's Next for {Our} Family?

Yesterday we made our announcement "blog official".
And I didn't realize I would leave so many people hanging about our future plans.
Sorry about that. :-)
It was just a lot to get through that blog alone.

But here we are.
Switching gears.
Again, the bitter/sweet.

For a year or so now we have felt God tugging at our hearts to possibly plant a new church.
We prayed, prayed, and prayed some more because this is something way beyond anything we ever thought we would do.
Jason was pretty clear that he didn't feel like God was asking us to move to another state.
But maybe another town.

We literally started praying over town after town.
It was a pretty awesome process actually.
There were towns I felt okay about.
And towns that J felt okay about.
But there were only two that we both felt good about.
So, we prayed some more.
Then some things happened this summer and we thought everything was going to be put on hold for longer than what we expected.
But a couple of months back God really started pressing on our hearts again.
And eventually it became clear that this was a leap of faith that we needed to take.

So, we were down between the two different towns.
One is only about 10 minutes away from our home.
(Closer than the church we go to now, which is 30 minutes away.)
The other would be about an hour and would require us to move.
We were okay with either.

Finally, God faithfully gave us the exact confirmation that we needed to know this was the right decision.
But, here was our big plan...

We feel like God is calling us to plant a church.
And we have it narrowed down between two towns.

Yeah, that's all we had.
But we knew we had to be obedient to this.
God has already got us through so much.
We knew he would get us through this as well.

So, we took the leap of faith and J turned in his resignation.
That was a Tuesday.
Our prayer - close the doors that we aren't supposed to go through and open the one that we are.
Pretty simple right. ;-)

Two days later he received a call from a pastor.
He actually lives in one of the towns that we were considering.
And it was the town that we only live 10 minutes away from so we wouldn't have to move.

So, after J's conversation with this pastor over the phone it was left that if we wanted to start a church in this particular town he would consider letting us use his church on Saturday evenings to do so.
(Keep in mind, we had never met this pastor before.)

Wow.
A building.

So, we met with him and J laid out his ministry vision.
And he loved it.
The funny thing is that we were really freaked out because everything was going so fast.
We just honestly did not expect everything to fall into place like it was.
And that is when the pastor told us...
He had been praying for 9 years for God to bring him the right people to start this church.

Wow.
The answer to our own prayer was also the answer to someone else's prayer.
And he had been praying for a lot longer then we had.

So, we went and prayed some more.
J went on his shoot and it was so amazing because he planned this shoot like 7 or 8 months ago and it could not have come at a more perfect time.

He was able to have fun, get away, relax, and unwind.
Just what he needed.
When he came home he felt like taking this new church offer was indeed what God wanted him to do.

We have spent a great deal of time praying about what our ministry would look like if we were to ever get there.
So, J shared all of our own ideas that we have been praying about even before we realized that this call on our lives was going to be sooner than later.
And the pastor loved them - all.

Wow.
So much support.
So much encouragement.
We are in awe and overwhelmed by what God has done.

The craziest part -
My hubby is going to start as the senior pastor at this new church in 11 days.
That's right - November 17th at 6pm.

And we are just having so much fun with this.
We really are.

We will be at Grace until the end of the year.
So, J will do his normal duties at Grace and then just the Saturday night service until we are finished up there.

Then we will be off and running at the new church. :-)
And once the congregation is big enough we will branch out and find our own building and be able to offer a Sunday service.

So, that is the plan right now.
We would love your prayers as we go through this transition.
Both our roles will be changing significantly but we know God will work it all out.
Look at how much he has already done in 3 weeks!

Blessings to you all.
Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement and just the tremendous amount of love and support you have provided our family throughout it all.
We couldn't have done it without you.

Now, back to the election.

My 9/11...

Like every American.
We remember 9/11.
However, we also remember it for a very different reason.
It is our third little man's birthday.

The funny thing is that we have actually had people give us condolences because our son was born on 9.11.07.
My response.
Don't be sad for us.
We aren't.
We rejoice on that day.

Please do not get me wrong.
We deeply respect and honor those who lost their lives in the terrible tragedy.
And those who gave their lives trying to save others.
Our hearts ache for their loved ones.

In this household you will always find respect and honor for those who serve and protect our country.
Period.

It does not matter if they are here on American soil or defending our country in a foreign land - they are thought of often and prayed for often in our home.
It does not matter if they are in a branch of the military or if they are in law enforcement protecting our cities and towns.
Our home will always show them the respect that they deserve.

But we still rejoice
The birth of our son on 09/11, we believe, is what so many of those brave men and women give their lives for.

Hope.

The hope of a future.
The hope that there is something better yet to come.

Our son represents this hope, and so much more, to us.

He is like the rainbow after the flood.
A sign.
A sign of new life.
Our future.
A sign of love.

So, each year for the past 5 (can you believe he is 5! - We'll discuss that more later) we have celebrated on 9/11 without hesitation.
Full hearted.
Rejoicing.

Thank you God for giving us this little man on such a special day to be a reminder to us of the HOPE you have given.

Scan Results Part 2 - {The Details}

Okay, so this is a little blog catch up time. 
I actually wrote this last week on the day of my scan and for whatever reason I never posted it. 
But now I am going to. 
I like when things are fresh. 
They seem more real to me. 
Deeper. 
Raw. 
Even just a week later I read this and have already forgotten most of it. 
Anyway, here you go. 
Maybe it will be valuable to someone out there. 

{9.5.12}

Oh wow.
What a day.
I am literally exhausted but I cannot turn my brain off yet to go to sleep.

This morning was pretty rough.
I literally felt sick to my stomach.
And that is pretty unusual for me.

I wanted to believe so badly that everything was going to be okay.
And this is where it gets hard to explain.

I wanted to believe that everything was good.
That I was still cancer free.
But I couldn't 100% let my guard down.
I couldn't let myself get blindsided - just in case I received the news that I did not want to hear.
I had to be able to maintain my composure and my strength for my family.
I couldn't fall apart in front of my children.
I had to be strong for them and reassure them that it was all going to be okay no matter what.
That is all I could think about.
Them. Them. Them.

As we drove into town I was thankful for our long drive.
The beautiful morning.
Our mountains.
And our radio station.
Some incredible music played and really put my heart at ease.

We arrived and I said my hellos to the many familiar faces.
They have to be some of the nicest people on the planet that work at the cancer center.
How they do it day in an day out I do not know.

They called me back to the room.
They took my blood pressure.
137/86 - not so good.
And I was trying to stay calm.

Soon after Dr. O came in.
He is so awesome.
He knows we are believers and openly talks to us about that.
He is just a nice man all around.
He asks about my kids each and every time.
Then he shares about his own kids.
If I weren't there for the reason that I am, it would almost seem fun.

Then he gets to my scan results.

You are stable - he said.

That, my friends, is a very good thing in the cancer world.
Later on he mentioned that the spot in my chest (an enlarged lymph node) that they are watching actually appears to be getting smaller.
That is the second scan where they have found that to be true.
Thank you God!

We talked some more about this and that.
I just really felt so much joy.
So much relief.
There are just not words.

From there I went to doctor #2.
Said my hellos in that office.
They took my blood pressure again.
(Not even an hour later.)
119/72
Ummm..... yeah... just a wee bit stressed before.

I received a confirmation from this doc's office on the scan results.
And they set me up for my next round.

Blood work in 3 months.
Full body scan in 6 months.
That is when I will have to drink the liquid chalk. Yum.
But we will worry about that in 6 months.
Not today.

I will then have two more scans after that 6 months apart and then we will hopefully "graduate" to the once a year gig.
That would be nice.

As I left the docs office J and the kids were in the parking lot waiting for me.
They had the windows down and I could hear them cheering for their mama.
Brings tears to my eyes even now.
Even my baby girl was cheering.

How sweet they are.
They got caught up in all this ugly mess and had to watch their mom go through the lowest of lows.
Yet, they keep cheering me on.
That is why I fought to hard.
That is why I continue to fight.
My husband and my children are my purpose.
And I will continue to fight for them until my last breath.

I am so thankful for them and the way they stood by my side.

Cancer Update: Scan Results

I haven't even left the doc's office yet. But I wanted to give you all an update.

I am still cancer free.
Still a survivor.
Still in remission.

I am elated.
Beyond grateful.

I received an email update from a friend who is currently battling cancer. Her husband said it best...

God has given me the gift of more time.

Thank you God.

I will write more later but I just wanted you all to know for now that things are good.

Blessings.

Coping with Fear

I like to document the tough stuff as I am going through it.
This is not easy as it forces me to be very vulnerable.
However, I feel that this is what God wants me to do.
So, I do it.

First, I want to help others.
And it is so much easier for someone to relate to me if they are reading my words as I am going through something.
Not days or even weeks later as I am trying to remember how I was feeling.
They can say - yeah, I feel exactly the same way.
Or, that is a different perspective.
And maybe even the occasional - wow, she's crazy.
But whatever their reaction, they can see that I am coming from a very real and honest place.
And that is important to me.

Second, this helps me greatly to process what I am going through.
It forces me to look at the real issues behind whatever I am facing.
Deal with them.
Pray about them.
And.
Hopefully.
Experience healing.

Help for others.
Healing for me.
Those are good things and when you deal with cancer you need all the good things your can get.

So, the issue.
I have been dealing with fear lately.
Namely - the fear that the cancer is back.

This is a common fear I know.
Nearly every person that has battled cancer has shared the same fear at one point or another.
This fear also accompanies the fear of dying.
At least for me it does.
I don't want to speak for anyone else.

Honestly, I am just not ready to die.
Pure and simple.
That is as honest as I can be right there.
But I do realize how little control I have over that...

Anyway, I have been dealing with this fear thing.
And I wanted to share how I really cope with it.
What works for me and maybe even what doesn't.
Not sure where this is going really.

I have identified my fear as the fear of the unknown.
I don't know if the cancer is still gone or if it is back.
If it is back, will I die?
Might as well cut to the chase and be brutally honest.
Otherwise, what's the point?

Strangely, I don't fear treatment.
Treatment stinks.
In fact, if I were to ever choose a time to use stronger language that would be entirely inappropriate - this would probably be that time.
But I will refrain.
I know, such a rebel.

But I honestly can go through any treatment that is thrown at me...
As long as I live.
That is my heart right there.

I want to see my babies grow up.
I want to see them graduate.
I want to see them get married.
I want to be a grandma.
I want to have old people problems.
Whatever those are.
I want them.
I want to see my husband's hair turn gray.
I want to hold his wrinkled hand.
I want to have piles and piles of precious memories.
And when I finally get to the end of my days my family can celebrate because I lived enough.
Right now I just don't feel like I have lived enough yet.

Yes, I am crying.
So, if you are crying too then we will just cry together.

I have a few more days before I officially find out my results.
(Wednesday, for those of you who are wondering.)

So, I have a choice.
I can spend those days consumed by fear, crying non-stop.
Thinking of the "what-if's" and "unknowns".
Isolating myself from the world - and maybe even my family.

But, honestly, what good is that going to do?
None.

So, how do I get control of it?
Here is what I do...

For me, I focus on the known.
1.) I just had my blood work done in June and it looked good. There was no cause of concern then.
2.) We were prayerful and thoughtful about my treatment. God gave us a peace about it and I walked it out 100%.
3.) Just because I know people who are going back into treatment does not mean I will have to go back into treatment. Everyone is different. Every case is unique. Each cancer is different.
4.) The cure rate for the cancer I had is very high. Almost the best you can get when it comes to cancer.
5.) Even if the cancer is back that does not automatically mean that I am going to die. (This is a big one here.)
6.) Ultimately God is in control. Whether the cancer is still gone or it is back - God will give me the strength I need to get through it and do what I need to do. 

It is important to realize that because I am struggling with this issue does not mean that I am having a crisis in faith.
I say that because when you are standing on this end and you receive people's reactions - it feels like that is sometimes implied.
I know God's goodness.
Even today.

What this does mean is that I am human.
It does mean that I understand that God's will may be different than my will.
It means that I respect that just because I am a Christian that does not mean that my life is going to be rainbows and lollipops.
I am going to go through hard things.
Life is going to be hard sometimes.
After all, look at what Jesus endured.
Without sin.
He died for our sin.
The ultimate.
If He went through that, what makes me think that I won't have to go through hard things too.
After all, He was the son of God.

Yes, I cling to my faith.
I cling to my hope.
And God gives me the courage.

I pray for peace.
And I know I will find it.
Sometimes it just takes a little time.
And focusing on what I KNOW.

And what I know is...
That God is Good.
All the Time.

Thanks for reading.

Scripture Sunday: {Psalm 147:5}

How great is our Lord! His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension!

~ Psalm 147:5, NLT

Sunday Scripture: {Philippians 1:6}

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

~ Philippians 1:6, NLT

Sunday Scripture: {Psalm 40:16}

But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, "The Lord is great!"

~ Psalm 40:16, NLT

Photo of the Day: {Beautiful Reflection}

I love this little girl.

Of course, as her mama, I think she is beautiful.

Inside and out.

I love her joy.

It radiates from her. 

A reflection of her {Creator}. 

Sunday Scripture: {1 Peter 2:24b}

By his wounds you have been healed.

~ 1 Peter 2:24b, NLT

Photo of the Day: {Frog Boots}

[creide's frog boots 2012]

These babies are kind of a staple around our house. This is actually Creide's 3rd pair. He loves them. First, his favorite color is green, so that made them an instant hit. Second, I think he likes how easy they are for him to put on and go. And that is what this kid does...go.go.go.

He would {and has} worn them everywhere. I think even to church. I know some of you are probably disgusted right now. How dare I let my child wear something so inappropriate in the house of the Lord? That is one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is that we are supposed to give our best to the Lord. In Creide's mind - these are his best. This is the best pair of shoes he has to offer. But that is just another perspective.

My perspective. Life is too short. I am going to pick my battles and this is just not one of them. I am just happy that the kid has made it out of the house with shoes on. (Yes, we have actually left the house without shoes before - but that is a whole other blog.)

I found this pair at the thrift store with the Target tags still on them. Not bad for $3. :-)

Perspective

One of the blessings that cancer has given me is perspective. I feel like I have always cherished the important things in life and I am a very sentimental person by nature. But when I thought there was a chance I was going to die – and if I am being honest, there were many moments that it more than crossed my mind – it changed everything. It was the game changer of all game changers in my life.

I thought of things like - what is my husband going to say at my funeral? Or, what is my husband going to say to my daughter on her wedding day if I am not here to show her my love and support too. Or, how can I shower my kids with enough love right now to last them a life time. But honestly, we should all be asking ourselves those questions, not just when we are facing cancer or some other life-threatening illness or situation.

The question I ask myself - if something happened to me tomorrow – did I get it right? I am not talking about perfection because I know there is no way I am going to hit that. But did I tell and show my husband I loved him totally and completely? Did I do the same for my kids? Did I show my kids how much I loved their father and what a good marriage looks like so that they can later apply those lessons to their own marriages? Did I put God first?

Don’t get me wrong, I do not think you should consume yourself with worry about these things. First of all, we are not supposed to worry {phil 4:6} but also because then there is a chance you will become immobilized by fear and worry. Besides, worry isn’t going to fix any of these issues anyway. Only action will.

Jason and I have been blessed with the opportunity several times now to share our perspective fresh from the trenches so to speak. It is something we cherish. As heart breaking as it is to relive those moments in our life, we cling to one another’s hands with tears streaming down our faces, we remember and we are beyond grateful that we are both here to share this perspective because we came so close to it being a different story entirely.

The other day I was talking with a girl about my perspective and she said, “I hope I do not have to go through what you did to have the perspective that you have.” That summed up my heart condition in a nutshell. I want to share and inspire people to make the changes that they need to make before it is too late, so that when they get to that final moment the can say, “Yes, I got it right.” 

Blessings,

Andrea

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. {Philippians 4:6 NLT}

Photo of the Day: {Downtown Cross}

Sunday Scripture: {1 Corinthians 16:13}

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.

~ 1 Corinthians 16:13, NLT

Photo of the Day: {The Foot of the Cross}

 I have to be honest...I love this photo - my daughter playing at the foot of the cross. It is this mama's prayer that each of my children are always able to find their way here and receive the comfort that it brings.

Happy Sunday.

Sunday Scripture: {Psalm 106:1}

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.

~ Psalm 106:1, NLT

One Day I Will Shine Again

Have you ever had a blog all written out in your head but when you go to write it thing turns out completely different? If you are not a blogger perhaps you can relate with something else. Anyway, that is totally what happened today. I had it all planned out and then God went and had to change it -and in the process He totally brought me to my knees.

I honestly hesitate to share this with you just because it is forcing me to be so very open but I know that when you all email me or make comments the number one comment is how you appreciate my honesty. So there is that and then there is the fact that this may help someone else out there so how can I not share?

Basically I had this update planned in my head... that the Shingles were nearly gone, my daughter was nearly better (for those of you who don't know she has been super sick with the cough, fever, etc. since about Thursday - and this has been a rough one), and that my port removal wounds were nearly healed.

Then I was going to go on and talk about how I felt like I was basically having to start over again with my energy level and how it seems that anytime I start to make some progress I get knocked down again and have to claw my way back up.

That is when this Toby Mac song popped into my head. I like Toby Mac. I like how upbeat his music is, oh, and of course that he is a Christian performer. My son's also like him and I have some very fun memories of Toby Mac songs playing in our home and watching all of them dance in our living room. Okay, so I danced too since we are being honest here - how can you not dance to Toby Mac?. :-)

Anyway, I went to find the lyrics for the song - Get Back Up Again by Toby Mac - because there was a very specific line I was thinking of... "You may be knocked down, But not out forever" but that is when it happened. I started reading the entire lyrics to the song as it played and I just started crying. Yes, I cried at a Toby Mac song. It was like it took me right back to the beginning when I had just been diagnosed and took me all the way through my battle to where I am today.  I posted the lyrics here below so you can read them for yourself.....

You turned away when I looked you in the eye, 

And hesitated when I asked if you were alright, 

Seems like you're fighting for you life, 

But why? oh why? 

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare, 

You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where, 

And there's always scars 

When you fall back far 

We lose our way, 

We get back up again 

It's never too late to get back up again, 

{One day you will shine again,} 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever, 

Lose our way, 

We get back up again, 

So get up, get up, 

{You gonna shine again,} 

Never too late to get back up again, 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever 

(May be knocked down but not out forever) 

You're rolled out at the dawning of the day 

Heart racin' as you made you little get away, 

It feels like you've been runnin' all your life 

But, why? Oh why? 

So you've pulled away from the love that would've been there, 

You start believin' that your situation's unfair 

But there's always scars, 

When you fall back far 

We lose our way, 

We get back up again 

Never too late to get back up again, 

{One day, you gonna shine again,} 

You may be knocked down but not out forever, 

Lose our way, we get back up again, 

So get up, get up 

{You gonna shine again} 

It's never too late, to get back up again 

You may be knocked down, but not out forever, 

May be knocked down, but not out forever! 

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken, 

This is love callin'. 

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken 

This is love callin'. 

This is love callin', love callin', 

I am so broken 

This is love callin' love callin 

Lose our way, (way way way ay ay ay) 

We get back up, (get back up again) 

It's never too late (late late late ate ate ate) 

You may be knocked down but not out forever! 

 Lose our way, 

We get back up again, 

So get up get up 

{You gonna shine again} 

Never too late to get back up again 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever, 

This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (get back up again) 

To the broken 

This is love (never too late) callin' (may be knocked down but not out forever) 

This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (we get back up again) 

To the broken 

This is love (never too late) callin' (may be knocked down but not out forever) 

This is love callin' love callin' 

Out to the broken, 

This is love callin'....

I put some of the lines that really stuck in my heart in bold and as you can see there was one that really hit me.... 

{One day, you gonna shine again,} 

I feel that is what I have not been able to do since I was diagnosed - shine. Shine for Jesus. It took every ounce of energy I had to get through treatment and now it takes every ounce of energy I have to get up in the morning and take care of my kids that I have forgotten what it is like to truly shine. 

Please don't get me wrong - this is not a crisis of my faith. My faith was solid going into cancer and it was solid coming out of cancer. In fact, the other day I had a realization that I did not discover my faith through cancer as so many do, I discovered myself and who God truly wants me to be. Now it is all about living that out and finishing the discovery.

To me, the lyrics of this song was a message of hope that I so desperately needed and the crazy thing is that I didn't even realize I needed it. It is a promise to me that things will be okay and even though it will take time and I may be knocked down 1000 more times.....One day, I will shine again. 

Be careful the next time you listen to a Toby Mac song - you never know what may happen. May you all be blessed and encouraged in the Lord today and always.

Blessings,

Andrea

A Heartbreaking Story....

As I wrote earlier tonight, I am preparing for my news tomorrow and admittedly I was feeling a little bit "blah" getting ready to face another day of the post-cancer life. I was surfing through the blogs I keep up on tonight passing the time before my brain would finally be ready to turn off and welcome sleep. I went to a blog of a girl who is currently going through chemo right now. You can find her at Little Blue Boo . Even though I can feel every single thing she is going through right now to the very core of my body, she has an amazing attitude about it and I love it.

However, today she had a little blurb about another family that she is doing a fund-raiser for. I just could not resist reading about them even though I knew it was going to be sad. It became a sharp reminder that no matter how bad things are for you - someone else is always going through something worse. You can read more about the family here.

The mama was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in January 2011 (I was diagnosed Feb. 2011). But here is the kicker - their baby girl was diagnosed with another type of cancer in May of 2011 at 11 months old (she was just a few weeks younger than my baby girl). Their baby girl passed away in Dec. 2011 at 18 months old. My heart literally breaks for them. I cannot imagine what they have or are going through.

I remember standing in my kitchen just a few days after my diagnosis staring off into nothingness. That is when it hit me - I was so grateful it was me and not one of my children. I literally thanked God in that very moment.

You see, I remember what it was like going through all of the surgeries and medical stuff with my oldest boy, Cale. I remember sitting in a rocking chair, holding his tiny little body, and praying that God would give me his pain. He and I did that for the first 14 months of his life (4 surgeries and a tracheotomy tube for those 14 months) and then 2 more surgeries later on and it was the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced in my life. As a mom I was supposed to make things better for him and I couldn't. All I could do was hold him and love him...

12 years later it still takes my breath away and I am so grateful that he made it through it. I cannot imagine life without him.

Anyway, I just felt convicted to share a little bit about this other family. I will be lifting them up in prayer and thought maybe you could too.

Blessings,
Andrea

My Heart Check Moment

Today I was just kind of feeling blah. It wasn't that it was a bad day, but I just felt unfocused and uninspired. My heart was definitely not in it. I wasn't going to even blog tonight because who wants a unfocused and uninspiring blog? No one. I wasn't excited to write and you wouldn't be excited to read. But something just kept tugging at my heart. Tug. Tug. Tug. You know that type when you just cannot let it go and you know you either do it now or you are going to do it at 2 a.m. Your choice. Some choice.

So, I started to think about what to write about in my unfocused and uninspired mood. Maybe I should finish one of the couple hundred blogs I have started and not finished. (No, I am not exaggerating. There are a bunch.) No. That didn't sound exciting.

I thought of going on Pinterest and finding something interesting to share with you there. Pinterest always inspires me. But no. That wasn't appropriate for tonight either. Finally, a thought. For this I was grateful.

{What was I doing a year ago today?} 

Well by golly, let's look back through the ol' blog. I knew this things was good for something. So, I tracked it down and boy... did I have a heart check moment or what! Of all the days. Of all the things I could be feeling today compared to what I was feeling one year ago today.

Well, here it is: {Day 22: Chemo 2} You can read it for yourself and I really encourage you to do so if you have time and the interest. It is complete with my very own {life scripture} which I don't blog about very often because my {life scripture} was given to me at a very painful time in my life.

So, as a rundown - one year ago today I am blogging from my chemo chair. I was going through my 2nd chemo treatment. Talk about being cut to the core with your very own words and even feeling disappointment in myself that I didn't cherish today more like I should have. You see, it isn't about me being inspired. It isn't about what I am going through. Just as I wrote about a year ago - it is about me seeing the opportunities to help and inspire others. And I came so very close to missing that today.

Yes, I know I am human. I am swiftly reminded of that each and every day that I fall so short of where I should be. But that is no longer an excuse I can use as a crutch. I have been sharply shown what the alternative could be. Yes, I am a believer and yes, I know that I will meet Jesus when my days are up here in this world. But not now. Not yet. Not with my children so young. No, I still have too much to do.

Thank you God for using the very words you gave ME one year ago today to get me focused and inspired once again. I will do my best not to let you down.

Oh, and to add insult to injury (LOL) - I actually blogged a part 2 on this day one year ago as well. Here it is: {Day 22: Chemo 2 Part 2.... My Inspiration} As the title indicates, it is on {inspiration} just in case you need a little of that today.

Blessings and Love,
Andrea