Day 39: Weak

Hello my dear friends. I just wanted to say thank you for reading this. Thank you for continuing on this journey with my family and me. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for your prayers and just believing in me that I can do this. Thank you for your offers of help. It has been overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time.

The only word I could think of to describe today was "weak". My body, mind, and spirit have all been pushed to the limit over the past few days and I definitely feel the fatigue. How easy it is to stay in the pit when you are already there but I am determined to get out of it.

I actually feel like I have recovered the most spiritually. Just seeking God over and over has brought me a great deal of comfort and peace. Although I know I am weak and I am not going to disguise it or hide it - the important thing here is that He is here with me and that is all I can ask for.

Mentally, I am battling. The sounds of my children keep me going. I hate the silence. I love to hear the chatter of the boys and the cooing of the baby. As Kearyn sits with me on the bed and loving crawls into my arms and just loves me as her mama, there is no greater reminder as to why I am doing this - why I am enduring. I love how my little men come in separately and check on me in their own little way. I think to myself what wonderful husbands they are all three going to make someday. I know without a doubt that in the end it will all be worth it.

My husband, it is probably the hardest on him. "Mr. Fix-it", as I affectionately like to call him, feels like he can't "fix" this. But he has no idea how much God uses him to bring so much comfort and peace to me. I see how he sacrifices his own comfort continually to make sure I am as comfortable as I can be. He is at my beck-and-call, getting me anything and everything that he thinks might make it a little bit better. I know he has not slept a full night since the diagnosis, yet he keeps on going. I know the worry for him is extensive as I can see it in his eyes and I know, without a doubt, he would take this for me if he could.

I do think he realized how bad this was on me today when I loving told him......you remember the whole "labor and delivery" scene we visited together several times (granted we are light-weights compared to some of our friends :-).......well that is nothing compared to going through chemo. His eyes just kind of got big and his mouth dropped open slightly. There were no words.

Anyway, today started out rough and I just felt so incredibly weak. I rested as much as I could clear into the evening. My mom came over and helped with the kids while Jason went to work and that was nice for the kids to have some grandma time. When Jason came home he brought all kinds of goodies that our friends had blessed us with - paper plates, forks/spoons, cups, paper-towels, and napkins. Someone even brought me flowers! They are beautiful. Whoever brought them didn't sign the card so I can't thank them personally but just know that they really did brighten my day. Thank you.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. Each day marks a new beginning. One of my dear friends sent me words of encouragement that referenced to how God's grace started fresh each day. (She was so much more eloquent in the way she put it.)

For now, I am going to say goodnight and continue to rest so that my body, mind, and soul can be strengthened and restored. God bless you all.

~Andrea