I actually try not to do that much research about my cancer which is very difficult for me because I am kind of a research junkie. I know, I know... weird. I love to learn about new things and I like to be informed as much as possible - especially when it comes to the health of my family. But with the cancer stuff it just gets to be depressing and the once vibrant ray of hope starts to fade as you read all these other stories of what people have had to go through - and when you are going through something like this you can't afford for that to happen.
Today, however, I could not resist and started reading some other "cancer blogs". It was then that I saw a lady who also has Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I think she was about my age and she had two children. But this is what broke my heart... she was 26 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child.... I felt like my heart stopped for a second when I read this.
Can you imagine that being your situation? This sweet mama being over half-way through her pregnancy and being diagnosed with cancer. She also stated that she was starting chemo that very next week and my heart stopped again. At that moment I praised God that he had spared me from having to make that decision because that very well could have been me.
When I was pregnant with my second son they found cancer cells and thought that I had cervical cancer. The one doctor told me that I would need to start treatment immediately. When I asked her what would happen to my baby - she said I would most likely lose him. This was just a thought I could not bare. I had lost four babies prior to finally getting pregnant with this baby and now they were expecting me to do this! I felt like they were asking me to choose between my two children - the one I had and the one that I was carrying inside me.
I quickly sought a second opinion and the second doctor said that they would just monitor me carefully throughout my pregnancy and as long as it didn't start spreading I would be fine - and I was. We now have our five year old son Ky and I can't imagine life without him. As tough as this situation was for me at the time - I cannot imagine what it would be like to be pregnant and diagnosed with something like Hodgkin's.
For those of you who are wondering what happened to the cervical cancer thing - well that was a God thing too. After I had Ky, they still found the cancer cells. In fact, for over a year every time I went in they found them. So what do I do.... I decided I wanted another baby. My fear was that if they did decide to treat me I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. So, I got pregnant with our third son and I fully expected to go through this whole thing all over again. But I went in and there were no cancer cells to be found. Perhaps that explains my shear belief this time around that God is going to heal me from this cancer too. He did it once - I know he can do it again.
I am sure I have shared this with you but I found my first symptom of Hodgkin's when my baby girl was just 2 weeks old. The next day I went into the doctor and they ran some tests and said that the lump (what we later found out was a tumor) in my neck was just a cyst. But the point is that my baby girl was only 2 weeks old. If we moved all of this up even a few months I would have been faced with this very similar situation.
My heart just ached for this mom. She only made one post and her last words were, "I am hoping and praying for the best possible outcome...." I don't know this lady's name, I don't know where she lives, but I am praying that same prayer for her as well. I am praying that same prayer for all of us who are facing cancer or anyone else who is facing tough a situation. And I am just grateful to God that this was not my own reality.
Follow Me...
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Emotions...
For the past 7 months - every since I was diagnosed - I have just been super emotional every time I have gone to church. I am not a "crier" by definition - or at least I didn't use to be.
I remember the very first movie I ever cried at... "My Girl". For those of you who have seen it - you know what I am talking about - you would have to be made of Teflon not to cry at a movie like that. (And for all you youth group kids reading this I don't even want to hear about how you have never heard of such and ancient movie. No Googling it and making comments on how it is SO OLD and absolutely NO COMMENTS on my age. I have worked hard for my 32 years and I am proud of them! LOL) Anyway, I still remember my friend Tanya and I seeing it together and both crying during the movie and then pretending like we didn't cry afterwards. Why - I don't know. Ha! I still laugh when I think about that.
I remember my emotions really kicking up a notch when I became a mom and I think with each child I have become more emotional... and then the cancer, well that has put me over the top. I am not emotional out of sadness - it is just like I feel so loved. I feel grateful. I feel overwhelmed. Sure there are times where I get scared - I am human of course. There are times when the doubt starts to creep in and I don't know if I am really doing the right thing - if I am really hearing God's voice but then I just pray some more and God brings me back to where I need to be. Once again I find that peace and I just know he is going to heal me.
Emotions use to scare me but they don't any more. I am grateful that I have them and that I get to experience a love that is so great that there are sometimes no words - only tears. I am grateful for a God that knows what I need even though I cannot explain it but instead only cry out to him.
If I could tell you one thing that I have been able to learn time and time again, it would be... don't be afraid to cry out to God. Wherever you are at... He will meet you there.
I remember the very first movie I ever cried at... "My Girl". For those of you who have seen it - you know what I am talking about - you would have to be made of Teflon not to cry at a movie like that. (And for all you youth group kids reading this I don't even want to hear about how you have never heard of such and ancient movie. No Googling it and making comments on how it is SO OLD and absolutely NO COMMENTS on my age. I have worked hard for my 32 years and I am proud of them! LOL) Anyway, I still remember my friend Tanya and I seeing it together and both crying during the movie and then pretending like we didn't cry afterwards. Why - I don't know. Ha! I still laugh when I think about that.
I remember my emotions really kicking up a notch when I became a mom and I think with each child I have become more emotional... and then the cancer, well that has put me over the top. I am not emotional out of sadness - it is just like I feel so loved. I feel grateful. I feel overwhelmed. Sure there are times where I get scared - I am human of course. There are times when the doubt starts to creep in and I don't know if I am really doing the right thing - if I am really hearing God's voice but then I just pray some more and God brings me back to where I need to be. Once again I find that peace and I just know he is going to heal me.
Emotions use to scare me but they don't any more. I am grateful that I have them and that I get to experience a love that is so great that there are sometimes no words - only tears. I am grateful for a God that knows what I need even though I cannot explain it but instead only cry out to him.
If I could tell you one thing that I have been able to learn time and time again, it would be... don't be afraid to cry out to God. Wherever you are at... He will meet you there.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Update....
Well, we met with the doctors today and we still really don't have all of the answers - plus it is just kind of difficult to explain but I will do my best because if I don't I think there are a large majority of you who are going to show up at my house tomorrow and demand an explanation anyway... so here it goes.
Way back when, February 4, 2011 to be exact (seems like a lifetime ago) when I had my first PET Scan my SUV level was a 25. And no, I am not referring to my vehicle rating (is there even such a thing?) Anyway....unless you have been through the cancer scene yourself or are in the medical field this probably means nothing to you so I thought I would provide a little explanation of what it does mean....
You are probably aware that cancerous cells multiply at a faster rate than normal cells making them more active - and of course more dangerous because they like to take over all the good stuff. Anyway, when I go for a PET scan it shows what the cells activity rate is and it measures the value in SUV's or standardized uptake value (just in case you were interested). So the PET scan will determine the SUV of one spot in comparison to everywhere else in the body. The baseline for a person without cancer is usually a 1 (one) and they start to worry if a person is between 3 to 5 - remember, mine was a 25 which was not good - obviously - hence the chemo thing for the past 6 months, etc. etc.
So, here is where the tricky part comes in. In my last PET scan (last Thursday) it was determined that I have a spot in my neck that is still showing a reading of 3.3 SUV's. It is wonderfully amazing that I have gone from a 25 all the way down to a 3.3 but it still puts me in that area of "concern". They can't really tell me if it is still the cancer or not and they don't think it can be ignored. I know... it is a bummer.
Basically we have options coming out of our ears. Some of them are not good options - like the one I have to sell all of my worldly belongings and live out my days on a beach somewhere - but nonetheless, they are still options and now it is time for Jason and I to really seek the Lord and find out what His will is for us at this time.
The first thing that they want to do is take a biopsy of the lymph node that is causing the issue here. This would be a surgical procedure and they would take the whole lymph node for examination. The one thing that may prevent this from happening is the location of the lymph node that needs to be biopsied. There are all kinds of arteries, tendons, etc. that I am really pretty attached to and would like to keep in one piece for obvious reasons. I will meet with the surgeon next week to see if the biopsy is even a possibility and if it is - well that will be the first of many decisions we have to make.
We are praying for large neon lit, billboard sized signs from God right now. I think the hardest thing is really just praying through every option and listening for God's voice to say, "Yep, that is the one!" But we are being very diligent through this process and know that God will do his thing when he is ready.
As for how I am doing with all of this? I am actually doing well. I had a peace going into this and I have that same peace now. It is so hard to explain but I just know God is going to heal me. I feel like I have already faced the lion on this one - 7 tumors in my neck, cancer in 3 different places in my body - so one little spot in my neck in the scope of life is just that.... one little spot. Yes, it needs to be addressed and we will walk it out as God calls us to but I do feel like I have faced a lot worse. Hopefully that makes sense.
So, that is the update for now... Thanks so much for all of the prayers!
Blessings and Love!
Andrea
Way back when, February 4, 2011 to be exact (seems like a lifetime ago) when I had my first PET Scan my SUV level was a 25. And no, I am not referring to my vehicle rating (is there even such a thing?) Anyway....unless you have been through the cancer scene yourself or are in the medical field this probably means nothing to you so I thought I would provide a little explanation of what it does mean....
You are probably aware that cancerous cells multiply at a faster rate than normal cells making them more active - and of course more dangerous because they like to take over all the good stuff. Anyway, when I go for a PET scan it shows what the cells activity rate is and it measures the value in SUV's or standardized uptake value (just in case you were interested). So the PET scan will determine the SUV of one spot in comparison to everywhere else in the body. The baseline for a person without cancer is usually a 1 (one) and they start to worry if a person is between 3 to 5 - remember, mine was a 25 which was not good - obviously - hence the chemo thing for the past 6 months, etc. etc.
So, here is where the tricky part comes in. In my last PET scan (last Thursday) it was determined that I have a spot in my neck that is still showing a reading of 3.3 SUV's. It is wonderfully amazing that I have gone from a 25 all the way down to a 3.3 but it still puts me in that area of "concern". They can't really tell me if it is still the cancer or not and they don't think it can be ignored. I know... it is a bummer.
Basically we have options coming out of our ears. Some of them are not good options - like the one I have to sell all of my worldly belongings and live out my days on a beach somewhere - but nonetheless, they are still options and now it is time for Jason and I to really seek the Lord and find out what His will is for us at this time.
The first thing that they want to do is take a biopsy of the lymph node that is causing the issue here. This would be a surgical procedure and they would take the whole lymph node for examination. The one thing that may prevent this from happening is the location of the lymph node that needs to be biopsied. There are all kinds of arteries, tendons, etc. that I am really pretty attached to and would like to keep in one piece for obvious reasons. I will meet with the surgeon next week to see if the biopsy is even a possibility and if it is - well that will be the first of many decisions we have to make.
We are praying for large neon lit, billboard sized signs from God right now. I think the hardest thing is really just praying through every option and listening for God's voice to say, "Yep, that is the one!" But we are being very diligent through this process and know that God will do his thing when he is ready.
As for how I am doing with all of this? I am actually doing well. I had a peace going into this and I have that same peace now. It is so hard to explain but I just know God is going to heal me. I feel like I have already faced the lion on this one - 7 tumors in my neck, cancer in 3 different places in my body - so one little spot in my neck in the scope of life is just that.... one little spot. Yes, it needs to be addressed and we will walk it out as God calls us to but I do feel like I have faced a lot worse. Hopefully that makes sense.
So, that is the update for now... Thanks so much for all of the prayers!
Blessings and Love!
Andrea
Sunday, August 21, 2011
The Waiting...
So, most of you know I had my scan about 2 weeks ago and my doctor called me to tell me that there was still a spot in my neck and they couldn't tell what it was with that scan so I had to go in for a PET Scan this past Thursday.
For all of you hold your breath we still don't have the results. Oh, you can stop holding your breath too because you will probably pass out before I get the results. :-)
Anyway, it has become clear to me that the waiting is very hard on you all. I think it is harder on you than it is for Jason and me. This does however make me feel very loved knowing that you all care so much. But really, I am doing really well. I am at peace with everything (even if I get results that are not exactly what we hoped for.)
I know God is going to heal me. It is this overwhelming feeling I feel in my chest - it is so great that it makes me feel like my chest is going to explode actually. I don't know how he is going to heal me. I don't know when he is going to heal me. I just know that he will - and maybe he already has.
Thank you for reading and God bless you all!
For all of you hold your breath we still don't have the results. Oh, you can stop holding your breath too because you will probably pass out before I get the results. :-)
Anyway, it has become clear to me that the waiting is very hard on you all. I think it is harder on you than it is for Jason and me. This does however make me feel very loved knowing that you all care so much. But really, I am doing really well. I am at peace with everything (even if I get results that are not exactly what we hoped for.)
I know God is going to heal me. It is this overwhelming feeling I feel in my chest - it is so great that it makes me feel like my chest is going to explode actually. I don't know how he is going to heal me. I don't know when he is going to heal me. I just know that he will - and maybe he already has.
Thank you for reading and God bless you all!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Trip to Ouray... {Creide}
We took advantage of Jason's day off this week by taking a quick trip to Ouray. This time we didn't swim - instead just checked out a couple of the shops and treated the boys to ice cream. It was a great time - perfect wheather and very relaxing. I was able to get these pictures of Creide - our third son. He is definitely "all boy" and when I found the boy banner hanging on the side of a building I couldn't help but to get a picture of it as I thought of him. Whether he is playing guns with his brothers, hanging upside down, trying on silly hats, or giving me that Creidey-bear smile - he just makes me happy. He is so darn funny too! I am always in stitches when he is around and he is only 3!
Okay, so I haven't shared a "funny of the day" recently so here is one for you.... Creide is a bean poll just like his oldest brother. But don't let the fool you - he can put away a half a pizza without batting and eye. He held the pancake eatting record at 9 pancakes before Cale was so embarrassed that his baby brother could eat more than he could that one day he ate 11 (giving himself 1 extra for a cushion just in case). Just to clarify- we don't sit around encouraging our boys to have eating contest. I am assuming that this must be a boy thing because I am certain my friends and I never sat around having eating contests.
Anyway, Creide - just like Cale use to - can rarely make it through the night without having to get something to eat. And we aren't talking the "I just don't want to go back to bed" kind of hungry - we are talking full blown "Mom, I am going to starve to death" kind of hungry. So, a couple of nights ago he wakes me up STARVING. So, I am getting him whatever he said he wanted and he says, "Mom, you have to hurry really bad." I asked him why. "He says because if you don't hurry I am going to starve to death and God does't want me to die!" Like I said, he always keeps us in stitches.
I love this boy.
Okay, so I haven't shared a "funny of the day" recently so here is one for you.... Creide is a bean poll just like his oldest brother. But don't let the fool you - he can put away a half a pizza without batting and eye. He held the pancake eatting record at 9 pancakes before Cale was so embarrassed that his baby brother could eat more than he could that one day he ate 11 (giving himself 1 extra for a cushion just in case). Just to clarify- we don't sit around encouraging our boys to have eating contest. I am assuming that this must be a boy thing because I am certain my friends and I never sat around having eating contests.
Anyway, Creide - just like Cale use to - can rarely make it through the night without having to get something to eat. And we aren't talking the "I just don't want to go back to bed" kind of hungry - we are talking full blown "Mom, I am going to starve to death" kind of hungry. So, a couple of nights ago he wakes me up STARVING. So, I am getting him whatever he said he wanted and he says, "Mom, you have to hurry really bad." I asked him why. "He says because if you don't hurry I am going to starve to death and God does't want me to die!" Like I said, he always keeps us in stitches.
I love this boy.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Swimming in Ouray....{Part 2}
As we were finishing our time up at the pool Kearyn found a floaty and I was able to take these photos of her. I just LOVE taking pictures of this girl. These are quite possibly some of my favorites. How could these not make you happy!
Swimming in Ouray.....{Part 1}
A couple of weeks ago Jason took some of the GCC Youth Group kids to Ouray for a fun swim day after a long week of serving at several different locations throughout our community. The kids and I were able to tag along. We enjoyed our time at the Ouray Hot Springs and just feel so blessed that we live in an area that offers so many things to do in such a short distance.
These are just a few pictures I was able to snap of Jason, Creide, and Kearyn playing in the water. Boy, do they love playing in the water - especially Jason, he is like a big fish and you can barely get him out of the water without throwing a fit. (For those of you who don't know - Jason is the one with the facial hair ;-) I better stop now - he does read the blog. Love you Jason!)
These are just a few pictures I was able to snap of Jason, Creide, and Kearyn playing in the water. Boy, do they love playing in the water - especially Jason, he is like a big fish and you can barely get him out of the water without throwing a fit. (For those of you who don't know - Jason is the one with the facial hair ;-) I better stop now - he does read the blog. Love you Jason!)
Kearyn says: Check out my new swimming suit! Thank you Miss Jeanette!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Update.....{Prayers Needed}
I have to tell you that I have really enjoyed this past month. It was 1 month ago yesterday that I had my last chemo treatment and I have really just tried to take some time to just refresh and refuel. It has been a very busy time as well - I feel like I am finally able to reintegrate myself into the world again. It is like I have been out of the loop for the last 6 months. I do still get very tired in the afternoons and this is something that I am not use to - I have never been very good a pacing myself. But it is a lesson that I am definitely learning now.
We also celebrated our oldest son's 12th birthday - no, I can't believe I have a 12-year-old! He had a great day, or week I should say. It seems like he has been celebrating all week. Isn't it great to be a kid. :-) I will be posting some pictures of his celebration here soon.
Anyway, I have received an update and I do require some extra prayer. I had my scan this past Wednesday and they did find a spot in my neck that they are concerned about. It took me a few days to even process this news and to even get to a place where I could post this information. It is the spot that I was concerned about myself - I can't remember if I mentioned it on here or not - so I can tell you that I wasn't that surprised but I was still disappointed. I don't even know if that makes sense.
Jason and I were blessed this past week with the opportunity to go to a leadership conference and we just loaded up on all kinds of information. Anyway, there was one quote that just seemed to be so perfect to describe what I feel right now. Here it goes...
We also celebrated our oldest son's 12th birthday - no, I can't believe I have a 12-year-old! He had a great day, or week I should say. It seems like he has been celebrating all week. Isn't it great to be a kid. :-) I will be posting some pictures of his celebration here soon.
Anyway, I have received an update and I do require some extra prayer. I had my scan this past Wednesday and they did find a spot in my neck that they are concerned about. It took me a few days to even process this news and to even get to a place where I could post this information. It is the spot that I was concerned about myself - I can't remember if I mentioned it on here or not - so I can tell you that I wasn't that surprised but I was still disappointed. I don't even know if that makes sense.
Jason and I were blessed this past week with the opportunity to go to a leadership conference and we just loaded up on all kinds of information. Anyway, there was one quote that just seemed to be so perfect to describe what I feel right now. Here it goes...
"I believe that God is good.....even when life isn't."
So, as some of you hear this news that I am sharing with you and feel the same disappointment that we are feeling right now - please remember that. God is good. He will be glorified through all of this. He has already gone before us and has this all planned out. I feel personally that I just must press the fear and the doubt out of my heart that so easily creeps in and I pray you can do the same.
Please do not be angry with Him in any way.This is just another reminder that He is in absolute control - not me, not the doctors, not the chemo or the other treatments... God and God alone reigns this day and everyday.
I do have a prayer request..... Please pray that this is absolutely nothing. Pray that the cancer is out of my body and gone for good. Pray for my family as they too have to walk this very long road with me. Cancer doesn't just affect the person who has it... it is a journey for all.
Anyway, for my friends and family who so diligently read this and continually pray for me... I am forever grateful and I love you all.
~Andrea
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
6 Months Ago Today....
Have you ever tried to think about where you were six months ago? Well, today I put a lot of thought into where I was. Six months ago today I had just been diagnosed with what they thought was Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I will never forget those words..."We think it's Lymphoma." Oddly enough I had never even heard of Lymphoma or if I had I had never paid any attention to it before that moment. Now, it is a completely different story. I have battled for the past 6 months not only for my life but for the life that I do have not to be defined by that word....Lymphoma.
No, it is critical that my life not be defined by that but instead by what it was intended to be defined by.... God.
I have walked this path for six months now - stumbling more times than I can count. But each time I got up and kept going - not because of my own strength....no, God definitely deserves all of the glory that is for sure. If would have been up to me I think that I would have been curled up in the fetal position in the corner somewhere. Here I am though, six months later and I am still here, still alive, and still kicking. That is an accomplishment in itself and one that I am pretty happy about to say the least.
Is my journey over - not even close. My body has endured quite the beating and it will take time to allow it to heal. It will take patience - which is harder for me than I thought it would be. It annoys me that I have to lay down and take a nap everyday. I use to dream of such luxuries but now I long for the day that it doesn't have to be.
It was six months ago today - almost to this hour that I sobbed in my husbands arms. Fear gripped me and the only thing I could think of at that moment was that I didn't want to die. It was then that my husband whispered in my ear....."Don't limit God." Those words have stayed with me every since.
Who knows what the next six months will bring. I can't imagine that it would be any harder - I pray that it isn't anyway. But all you can really do is let go and let God - enjoy each day to its fullest and never miss an opportunity to tell those that mean the most to you that you love them. God bless you all.
Love,
Andrea
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