[13]

13.
It seems so much bigger than 12.
Another milestone.
Another bitter/sweet moment.

My oldest boy turned 13 this last month.
And although I am a little late with this post.
I still wanted to take a minute to reflect on my boy young man.

He is just a sweet kid.
We are so blessed.

He is smart.
Funny.
He loves God.
And just loves life.

I cannot imagine my life without him.
And boy, has he been through some stuff.

When he was born he couldn't breath on his own.
It took them 6 hours to get a breathing tube in him.
During that time he stopped breathing countless times.
Each time he would fight back in order to stay in this world.
For that, I am beyond words grateful.

He was little.
Only 5 pounds 15 ounces.
But his strength was indescribable.
To this day.
13 years later.
I am still left in awe.

He has shown me so much about myself.
About being a mom.
About being strong.
How you keep fighting.
No matter what.

He has had 6 surgeries.
A trach for the first 14 months of his life.
Countless doctors appointments.
Therapy of every kind.
He has been misdiagnosed 5 different times.
Yet, he presses on.
No matter what.
And if you look at him now you would never guess that he has had to endure so much.
He is just so solid.

Until now I have never really talked about this openly.
Not because I am ashamed.
I am actually the opposite.
Not because it was hard.
It was hard but God did so much through it.
But because I never wanted it to define who he was.
Not as a boy and not as the man he is growing into.
I never wanted people to expect any less of him because they knew he had some challenges in the beginning.
I wanted that God given internal strength to shine through no matter what.
And it does.




I will never forget the day he was born.
After taking hours to stabilize him they took him to another hospital that had a NICU.
I had to stay behind.
It was one of the hardest nights of my life.
I just wanted to hold my boy and I couldn't.

It was about 11pm.
His doctor called from the NICU.
He told me that he was stabilized and doing okay.
But that is when he said it.
He said, "This boy is going to be a smart one."
He said he could see it in his eyes.
How right that man was.

He is brilliant.
Wise beyond his years.
And he truly loves to learn.

I am so excited to see how God uses him.
Right now he thinks he may want to be a historian.
A professor somewhere perhaps.
Perhaps a biblical historian.

Whatever he does.
I know he is going to be amazing.
Because he already is amazing.
Each day I thank the Lord for him.
And celebrate these bitter/sweet moments.

Each day he is one step closer to heading out on his own to truly embrace what God has for him.
For that I am so excited.
I am so excited for him.
But I know it will be hard when he is not under the same roof.
It is all just bitter/sweet.

For today I will cherish.
As I know tomorrow will come sooner than I want it to.
And then tomorrow I will rejoice.
For I know I was deliberate in the way I cherished today.

Hello August - You Have Some Big Shoes to Fill!

Yesterday I blogged about July and what a great month it was for our family. 

It was the first month that I would say that I felt halfway normal in a long, long time and I loved every minute of it. 

It is so wonderful not having to struggle to just get out of bed every morning. 

That was my reality for so long...

And if you know me, if you know me at all, you know that COMPLETELY goes against my personality. 

I have always done a million things. One person said it well when he said that I am a "high achiever". That makes me laugh but he was certainly right.

So, when everything is stripped away from you and you struggle day after day, week after week, and month after month - well, it can take its toll. 

But, there is another way of looking at it. If I wouldn't have experienced that depth of fatigue I would not appreciate the energy I have today as much as I do. 

Anyway, back to August...

August, you have some big shoes to fill my friend. However, I think you have a chance. For August represents two of the most precious days in my life. 

The first one to come up is a day I am grateful for and celebrate to the deepest depth of my heart. 

It happened 13 years ago. 

13.

Can you believe it? 

My oldest son will turn [13] in 8 days. 

It is like a dagger in my heart in so many way. The time has flown by and I am counting down the years, months, weeks, days, and minutes I have left with him. Then he will be off to explore the world on his own. 

I am praying it is enough. That we have taught him enough. That we have prepared him enough. But I know it won't be and that is where God comes in. That is where my faith is enough. 

For now, all I can do is cherish. 

Cherish the time. 

Cherish the relationship. 

Cherish the young man that God so graciously blessed our lives with. 

Just cherish him. 

Awe, the emotion of just thinking and writing about it are almost too much! 

The 2nd big day is a day of pure joy. 

August also means an anniversary for J and I. 

So blessed that he chose me. :-) 

I am excited to live life with this man everyday. 

I would choose no other. 

As a homeschool family, we will be back to it at the end of this month. I am truly so excited for this school year. The last two years have been tough with treatment and my low energy level. I am so excited for this year, the curriculum, classes, and other activities. Even though I will be teaching 3 this year with a two year old in tow. :-) 

For now, we are going to soak up what is left of summer. I have to get enough to sustain me through the winter. :-) I may be a Colorado girl but I don't love the cold. 

This means....

More trips to the lake.

More carload drive-in runs.

More BBQ's. 

Really, anything where we can all be together is good with me. And maybe we will see you there too. If so, stop by and say hi. We would love to catch up. 

Wishing you the very best August ever. 

Blessings,

Andrea

A Heartbreaking Story....

As I wrote earlier tonight, I am preparing for my news tomorrow and admittedly I was feeling a little bit "blah" getting ready to face another day of the post-cancer life. I was surfing through the blogs I keep up on tonight passing the time before my brain would finally be ready to turn off and welcome sleep. I went to a blog of a girl who is currently going through chemo right now. You can find her at Little Blue Boo . Even though I can feel every single thing she is going through right now to the very core of my body, she has an amazing attitude about it and I love it.

However, today she had a little blurb about another family that she is doing a fund-raiser for. I just could not resist reading about them even though I knew it was going to be sad. It became a sharp reminder that no matter how bad things are for you - someone else is always going through something worse. You can read more about the family here.

The mama was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in January 2011 (I was diagnosed Feb. 2011). But here is the kicker - their baby girl was diagnosed with another type of cancer in May of 2011 at 11 months old (she was just a few weeks younger than my baby girl). Their baby girl passed away in Dec. 2011 at 18 months old. My heart literally breaks for them. I cannot imagine what they have or are going through.

I remember standing in my kitchen just a few days after my diagnosis staring off into nothingness. That is when it hit me - I was so grateful it was me and not one of my children. I literally thanked God in that very moment.

You see, I remember what it was like going through all of the surgeries and medical stuff with my oldest boy, Cale. I remember sitting in a rocking chair, holding his tiny little body, and praying that God would give me his pain. He and I did that for the first 14 months of his life (4 surgeries and a tracheotomy tube for those 14 months) and then 2 more surgeries later on and it was the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced in my life. As a mom I was supposed to make things better for him and I couldn't. All I could do was hold him and love him...

12 years later it still takes my breath away and I am so grateful that he made it through it. I cannot imagine life without him.

Anyway, I just felt convicted to share a little bit about this other family. I will be lifting them up in prayer and thought maybe you could too.

Blessings,
Andrea

Things That Make Me Happy..... Part 4

My oldest boy... He is starting to leave his "boyhood" behind and is now becoming quite the "young man". There are so many amazing things about him that just bring me so much joy to my heart. He has such a love for God and he - even at such a young age - seeks God with all his heart. He has this intensity about him and a focus that you don't find in a lot of adults. He can carry on the most in-depth conversations....sometimes I have to stop him so he can explain what he is talking about. LOL! Yes,  my son brings a great deal of happiness to my life and each day with him in it is a good day.


Look at that handsome face...if that doesn't make you happy - I don't know what will! 

Funny of The Day

So, it has been a while since I have posted a funny of the day. It isn't like they haven't been happening.... are you kidding we are the Gressman's.... something is always happening around our house. Usually Creide is the  one generating all of the funnies lately. Cale being 11...excuse me...almost 12....is far too cool to do anything that anyone could possible laugh at him for. It is like living with a professor....Beuller...Beuller... Okay, so I couldn't resist.

(Sorry for the poor picture quality but this was the only one I could find that had the entire scene but wasn't ridiculously long either.)

I know, I know, it is so mean of me to tease my 11 year old...I mean almost 12 year old like that but if I can't get a little enjoyment out of these "pre-teen" years then what's the point?

Anyway, Ky is like his dad....only wants to talk about "Vivor Man" - aka "Survivor Man" or "Man vs. Wild" and then he makes these things out of objects he finds around the house, around the yard, really anywhere. I am constantly finding these little spears all over - basically a stick with something taped to the end of it - like a fork, or some other sharp object that he shouldn't be playing with. Yesterday he was carting around this homemade bow and arrow. I didn't think anything of it until Jason said, "Uh, that works." What do you mean it works? How does my 5 year old know how to make a bow and arrow that works!....... Jason!!!!

I do always just want to ask Ky if he really gets lost in the wilderness if he would actually have tape with him but then he would just give me one of those looks with those big blue eyes. You know the one that says, "Silly Mom, whatever are you talking about....of course I would have duct tape...who doesn't have duct tape," and then you, as the adult, feel totally ridiculous for even brining it up. Maybe that only happens in my household.

This is pretty much the look I would get. 

Followed by this look....

....as he casually takes a drink to rub in my silliness for asking such questions.

Anyway, back to the funny of the day....

Creide was telling me that he felt his cat needed a change. The conversation went something like this....

Creide: "Mom, I think my cat needs a change."

Mom: "Oh really, what kind of change would that be?"

Creide: "Well, I think she needs to be more boy-like."

Mom: "But she is a girl."

Creide: "Yeah, but I want her to be a boy."

Mom (realizing the boy vs. girl argument was pointless with a 3 year old at this point): "So, how are you going to make Piper (the cat) more 'boy-like'?"

Creide: "I am going to paint her green. Green is a boy color." 

Mom: "But cats don't like to be painted green."

Creide: "She does."

Don't worry - we stopped him before he could actually paint the cat green. ***No animals were hurt in the making of this blog.***

Through a Child's Eyes.......by Cale

I asked my 11 year old son to write a blog of his own today about how he has felt during this situation. Here are his words....

The news came one afternoon when I was at my great-grandma's house when my mom and dad appeared at the door. I heard that she had cancer and I was in tears. [Later] when they told me she had Hodgkin's and that it could be cured I had hope that she would be okay. It is because of God that she is going to be okay. I still pray for her but I have hope.

-Cale

It makes tears come to your eyes doesn't it. I am so proud of my son and I think he is a future writer in the making, don't you?

Love him.

Another wonderful photo by Jess Pollard. 

If you want to check out more of Jess' work you can check out her web site at http://www.jesspollardphotography.com/

Happy Birthday Jason.....

Yesterday was Jason's birthday. I have to tell you that I had so much fun planning his special day. I love birthdays so much because it is just a great opportunity to show that person how much they mean to you and this was no exception.

We love Jason dearly as he is the most amazing husband and father that we could have ever asked for. God truly blesses us every day with his presence in our lives and our home. I was just telling Cale the other day as we were having one of our "heart to hearts" that if he grew up to be just like his dad he would be just fine in life. :-)

Jason does an incredible job of modeling to our boys what a Godly man, loving husband, and engaged father is suppose to look like. He is just amazing and there are no words to describe how much we love him.

With that being said I wanted to create a special birthday present for Jason. Something that would combine the things that he loved and most importantly something that couldn't be purchased in a store. So, I put this together in a frame for him that will soon find its home in his office. (If you happen to stop by there you can take a look.)

This is Jason's favorite scripture by the way. If you are one of his youth group kids you already know that! :-)

the gressman four....

I think there is a point with the addition of each child that I have said to myself...."Wow, I have X number of kids now..." You just get so use to taking care of one child, then two, then three that when you add another one there is a bit of an adjustment period. These are the first pictures I remember taking of all four of my children together. And let me tell you it was quite interesting as you can probably tell from the pictures! ;-) (And these are only about half of the pictures taken! :-)

I have always dreamed of having four children. I believe that it was a promise placed in my heart long ago by God himself. This promise was what got me through all of the hard times and all of the losses. Don't get me wrong, there were several times when I did just want to give up but as I stare at the faces of my four beautiful children I thank God with all that I am that I did NOT give up. I can't imagine living my life not knowing each of these precious little ones that God has so graciously blessed me with. Thank you God for my Cale, my Ky, my Creide, and my Kearyn.

Free collage customized with Smilebox

Stay tuned for more conversation on the adjustment to having four children....

Cale's 11th Birthday...

So, I am a bit behind on my pictures but here are some from Cale's birthday. Enjoy!

This free digital collage made with Smilebox

Gressman Family Fun...

One of the things that we love to do as a family is go for walks and hikes as a family. It is great to get outside, stretch our legs and discover great treasures that the boys always seem to discover. The boys are so much fun to watch when they are doing their thing. Here are a few casual pictures Jason took on one of our walks/hikes.

This free digital collage made with Smilebox

Good times!

Gressman Boys - 2010

These were taken just after we moved into our new house. :-)

This collage generated with Smilebox

Cale & Creide

Being that it is getting close to the holidays I have been going through a ton of pictures. I love looking at pictures. It brings back so many wonderful memories. Here are just a couple of candid shots that I found of Cale and Creide that I wanted to share. Love my boys so very much!

Make your own digital collage

Stay tuned for more.... :-)

We Can Just Be Cool….

My 11 year old has always provided me great insight on many things in life. It has always made me laugh, here I am the mom and suppose to be guiding my son through the treachery of life and yet more often then not I find myself thoughtfully jotting down what he has said so that I can pray and reflect on it later. This is something I got use to early as I saw how gifted God had made him and laying down my own pride I just embraced it.

Anyway, we were talking about different “religions” and what makes a “religion” and what makes a "relationship" with Christ and why we should truly seek a "relationship" over a "religion". He started to tell me how much he enjoyed his “relationship” compared to what he knew about other “religions.” He goes on to explain that he likes his own “relationship with Christ” because he can, “just be cool and worship God how he wanted to.” At the time this made me
chuckle a bit but as I went on to ponder this 11 year old wisdom I realized how right he was. It instantly made me think of the following scripture...."Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30 - NIV) Or maybe an 11 year olds interpretation.... "Come to me and just be cool." What an amazing concept and how many of us adults miss that….

It gives my heart so much joy to watch our youth group worship the Lord. It is so inspiring and more than once it as moved me to tears. The purity that they have about them is breathtaking. The way they hold their hands high, eyes closed tightly, offering the Lord their whole heart. In that moment, despite what life has dropped on their door step, nothing else matters. It is just them and God and they can "just be cool."

I was in my late 20’s when I finally got the concept of coming to the Lord as I am, arms held high, offering him my entire heart. I encourage you, if you have not worshiped in such a free manner to give it a try. Close your eyes tightly, forget about everyone else around you, raise your hands to your Heavenly Father, and worship him for all that you are. It may very well change your life. I know it has changed mine.

Cale....

I wanted to write a little something about each of our children. Being that Cale is our oldest and because we also celebrated his birthday this week I thought it would make sense to start with him. However, I have been attempting to write about him this entire week and it has been very difficult. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why, as words usually come easily to me especially when it comes to my family. Finally it hit me. There is just so much to say.... I could literally write a novel about this child and the circumstances of his life without skipping a beat and probably still wouldn't get everything in there. The crazy thing is that he is only 11 years old!

I could tell you about the miracle of his birth and how hard he had to fight to even be here with us today. I could tell you about his stay in the NICU, how he had to have a tracheotomy tube put in at 5 days old which he had for the first 14 months of his life or how he has had six surgeries so far. I could tell you the fancy names of his diagnosis'. I could go on and on about the many times he has proven different doctors and health care providers wrong but as I think of all of those things now they just don't seem to matter as much as they once did.

Sure, those things are all apart of his life and always will be. Sure, we are still dealing with some of the medical issues that he was born with and will continue to deal with those for the next several year. It just seems like such an injustice to let ourselves be consumed by all those things when those are not the things that represent Cale. Those are just things that have happened to Cale, that is not who Cale is.

My goal as a mom is that when you look at my son you see what a fine young man he is growing into. That you see how caring and polite that he is. When you talk to him you immediately realize how brilliant he is as he can definitely carry on an intelligent conversation with the best of them. Most of all, I hope that when you see Cale you also see Christ because at the very core of Cale you will find that his faith and his deep belief in God are what matter most to him. If you see that in our son then Jason and I have been successful parents. Most importantly we have honored God in how He has called us to raise him. There is nothing else we could ask for as parents or nothing else that could bring us greater joy.

When I think of Cale the following scripture comes to mind. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. I know many of you are familiar with this scripture as it is a popular one, especially around graduation time. But as I think of Cale this scripture takes on a whole new meaning. The things that Cale has had to go through have been difficult to say the least but from the moment that child was born I knew that he was in God's hands. Now, eleven years later he is living that out. We cannot wait to see what the future holds for him or how God decides to use him and we just thank God for "prospering" him.

We are the Gressman's.....

We are the Gressman's....Jason-31, Andrea-31, Cale-10, Kylind "Ky"-4, Creide-2, and Kearyn-2 months. Yes, we are a family of 6 which from the reactions I get in the grocery store seems to be something of a rarity these days.

The first thing and most important thing we can say about our family is that we absolutely love the Lord. We do our best to serve as a family whenever we can. Our family motto: "Serve One as one." The story of how God revealed that to us will be told at another time.

Jason is a youth pastor and I work part-time for the church as an event coordinator. We love both positions. The kids that God brings into our lives each week on either a Wednesday or Thursday night for youth group are absolutely amazing. We do our best to love them as Christ loves us. This task is easy and challenging all at the same time but we embrace it as we know God has called us to do this.

Our children are amazing as well. Truly miracles from God and each and everyday I look at them and I am overwhelmed that God would entrust them to me. I am so grateful that God chose me to be their mom. I am truly left speechless and overwhelmed. Each and everyday I feel so blessed to have the husband that I have, the three handsome boys that I call "my sons" and my beautiful baby girl. Yes indeed, I am blessed.

We are the Gressman's.....