{rad-i-a-tion}

Tomorrow marks the 3rd week since I have been done with my treatment and I have been tinkering with this blog post for about 2 weeks. I am not quite sure why I haven't finished it by now. Maybe because I was just happy not to be thinking about radiation, treatment in general, and most importantly - cancer.

Whenever you are diagnosed with something like cancer (or really anything major along the same lines) it becomes so much a part of your life - whether you like it or not. It also becomes a part of who you are. It becomes a part of your testimony. But where the true battle comes in is not letting it take over and define who you are.

Yes, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Yes, I went through 6 months of chemotherapy. Yes, I went through a month of radiation. But I am not those things. They are a part of what I have done but they don't define me.

I am certain that there are many of you who can relate to what I am saying. You have these big things that happen to you, they may even change who you are completely, but they don't take over your identity. Or at least you fight like crazy to no let them.

Anyway, I don't quite know why I got off on that little tangent but I will refocus....

October meant a month of radiation for me. 20 treatments to be exact.

Prior to being diagnosed with cancer I was rather clueless as to what most of these treatment terms really meant. Honesty, I had no idea what Hodgkin's Lymphoma (or "Hodgkin's Disease" as so many are use to calling it) really was. Boy, has that changed.

I had heard of  chemo and I knew chemo was not good. EVERYONE knows chemo is not good. But I really had no idea  exactly what chemo entailed. I knew even less about radiation - so I had no idea what to expect. (With the exception of sitting next to a little old lady in a waiting room one time where she informed me that I should be SO grateful that I only had to go through chemo [this was before I knew I had to have radiation] because radiation was SO much worse than chemo. At this point I made up my mind that I never never never wanted to have radiation because if chemo was kicking my tail as badly as it was.... there was no way I could survive radiation. (Hmmm.... this may be the explanation of why I had such issues going into radiation....)

So, obviously I know a lot more about radiation now that I have gone through it myself.

Here is where I always like to include my legal disclaimer..... All cancers are different. Therefore, all cancer treatments are different. And to even complicate things further - we all react differently to our own cancer treatments. So, when I tell you how it was for me that does not mean that it will be this way for the next person. Okay, that is the end of my disclaimer....

I always like to share my experiences - not because I want sympathy for myself - but because I want people to perhaps have a bit more compassion for the next person they encounter that is battling cancer.

I know when any of us hear about someone being diagnosed with the "big C" our hearts always sink. We know the treatment isn't going to be pretty and the road is going to be long and hard but do we really know what the road looks like for them? No. And you aren't going to know from my story either. But you can know what questions to ask. You might just know a little more than you did before and for me, that is what this is all about. Informing one another so that we are better equipped to help one another.

If one person is loved on just a bit more because of what I have gone through - well then it makes it that much better for everyone involved now doesn't it.

So, back to radiation. First of all, I only received a little over half of what someone with say breast cancer would receive. So in that regard, mine was a lot easier. There were several things that concerned me about radiation and I shared many of those on here before. Namely, because of my age, it increases my risk of a secondary cancer. But after spending some time on my knees - okay, let's be honest, a great deal of time on my knees I have surrendered that to God and moved on. Really, what can I do about it? If I can't beat the first cancer, it does me no good to worry about a second one.

However, when I went in to do my "dry run" (yes, they actually do "radiation practice" before they start the real thing) they drew this thing that was the size of Texas on my chest and neck. They had said that it was going to be "spot" radiation. The only place this sucker could have been considered a "spot" is if it was on a horse.

So, again, I had to return to my knees for a great deal of prayer time. Finally I was able to surrender that over to God as well. (Are we picking up on a common theme here? Lots of knee time, lots of surrendering. The story of my life it seems.)

When you go for radiation you have to go everyday (except for weekends). So my treatments took 4 weeks. That was probably the biggest pain of it all. Trying to re-arrange my family's entire schedule just so I could have radiation each day.

At first, I noticed nothing. Then after a few days I began to feel a lump in my throat when I would try to swallow. It wasn't painful - I just had to work a little harder to get the food down. Then it started to really hurt. So, of course when you know it is going to hurt to eat you pretty much lose your appetite. For those of you who are thinking - she should of just cranked up the milk shakes - it hurt to swallow liquids too. Darn it.

However, you cannot lose more than 5 pounds when you are going through radiation or they start to get super cranky at you. Prior to starting radiation they make a mold thingy (I use terms like "thingy" when I don't know what they are really called) that you have to lay in when you get zapped (don't know the technical term here either) and so if you lose weight then you don't fit into your "mold thingy" anymore. Talk about getting stressed out every week when it was "weigh-in day". I ended up losing  6 pounds but they didn't yell at me too much.

It also burns your skin. Mine did not burn too badly. I did break out in blisters about a week or two after I was done. (The side effects of radiation continue to get worse after you are done for a few weeks before they get better - isn't that nice.) But my side effects where no where near what many go through. There was a dear sweet lady that was going through radiation for breast cancer right after me and her skin was literally purple she was burned so bad. It hurt me just looking at her and to this day I still hurt for her.

Finally, there is the fatigue. And that is what I am still dealing with. With the chemo/radiation combo it is going to just take some time for me to be back to my old self again. They guesstimated 6-8 months. So, we will see how it goes.

Sorry this one is so long. Talk to you soon!

Andrea

Got My Tattoos & I Am Ready to Go!

This week marked more preparation for my radiation. And for those of you who are wondering what in the world the whole "tattoo" comment is about - no, I am not getting sleeved. They actually have to tattoo you for radiation. Yes, I know. Strange.

But, the machine has to hit the exact same spots every single time and I guess the only way they can do that is by actually tattooing the spots. It is nothing exciting - just 3 tiny dots. 1 on each of my sides and one on my chest. However, one of my pastors (Calvin) said that I could play connect the dots later on. Of course he would say that. :-)

Anyway, evidently I go through a "dry run" tomorrow where I get to lay there why they practice and draw all over me with a purple sharpie. How come I am now having done to me everything I have told my children not to? "No tattoos while you live under my roof." (When I told Kearyn this she was not happy but is dealing with it.) "Don't draw on yourself - especially with purple sharpies." (This one made Cale mad.) "And most importantly - don't play around with radiation." Okay, so I have never said that particular statement but it IS important nonetheless.

I will officially start my radiation on Monday. I will go everyday - 5 days a week. They say they give me weekends off but I really think this is because the doctors don't want to work. Not that I am complaining.

I will go for 3.5 to 4 weeks. I guess I will find that out on Monday for sure.

There are a slew of risks that go along with the radiation that I have discussed here before. However, I feel that it is not the time to focus on those but instead - hand them over to God. I will walk through this hand-in-hand with Him. There is no other place I would rather be.

My Cancer Journey is Not Over...

Many of you have been emailing, texting, calling, etc. wondering what in the world is going on with my cancer. I am sorry for the delay but it just took some time to get everything figured out and prayed about. We also took some time away where we did just that - had time away.

As I started meeting with my doctors at the end of August I was just very adamant that I needed this time away with my family before we could proceed with anything. They (a couple of them reluctantly) agreed to let me have that time and I. am. grateful! I will be posting some pictures about that soon and telling some fun stories as well. But for now... on with the update...

Here is the situation.... they can't tell me for sure if the cancer is there but evidently when you get a result like I have, that is a strong indication that the cancer is not gone.

Jason and I have spent hours praying for what my best option is right now. We have also been praying diligently for God to give the doctors the wisdom needed to make the best recommendations for my situation and so this is what has been decided as a result of all of that...

The biopsy that they wanted to do initially... that is out now. We are not doing it. After meeting with the surgeon and talking with him for over an hour we did not have a good feeling about this - which I think I can say the surgeon felt as well. I don't want to put words in his mouth or anything but he did say, "Well, you aren't going to make it easy on me are you...." It may just be me, but when surgeon says that... it doesn't give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside and you don't just automatically say, "Oh yes please, cut me open." Especially for something like I was going to have. Basically they were going to have to go in the front of my neck, miss the carotid artery, the nerve that keeps me breathing and my heart beating, the nerve to my voice box and then behind my thyroid to get to it.... So, after my multi-doctor team got together, they agreed that it is too risky and too invasive for the results that they were going to get from it. So .... the biopsy is out.

However, radiation is now in. I think many of you remember this post (Bad News Good News) where we initially decided not to go through the radiation and I ended up going through 12 treatments of chemo to try to avoid it. Well, that didn't completely work and so we need to do what we need to do in order to make sure we get this all taken care of the first time around. The risk is still there for secondary cancers, heart damage, lung damage, etc. However, we are just praying for God's protection against those things.

Moving right along to chemo.... There are actually only 4 more treatments that the doctor can give me of this particular chemo treatment and after discussing the possibility of using these yesterday with my doc he is not convinced that using these at this time is the best option. I have to tell you that I am not sad about that in the slightest. I would do it if it was necessary but I am relieved to not have to go that route - right now at least.

So, how I am doing... well I feel mentally exhausted. I find that it takes a great deal of mental energy to take all of the information in, ask the questions that need to be asked, and then process it all. Then you have to take all of that and seek God.

When I was first diagnosed....(you  remember Day 1: Shock) the decision was SOOOO easy. I like to call it a PASS/FAIL type of situation. God clearly provided the path and it was like you need to do this or your going to die. So we did it because that was a pretty simple decision to make when you are doing all you can do to stay here for your husband and your children.

Now, it is much different - much harder. There are so many more things that have to be considered and I feel a bit like I am walking a tight rope. You are thinking about the fact that you haven't had enough treatment to get rid of this cancer and what can potentially happen there, then you think about getting too much treatment and getting a secondary cancer that could be even worse. All the while you are desperately trying to hear God's voice in it all so you can truly follow His will. Finally, you just have to release it all... surrender it all to the Lord and say God, I have no idea what I am suppose to do here or if I am even hearing you correctly right now. But I do know that if I am not hearing you correctly that you will have grace for me because that is who you are.

He is ultimately in control of all of this..... radiation or no radiation, chemo or no chemo, cancer or no cancer. And as hard as it is to realize sometimes... if He wants me here He will keep me here and if He wants to take me home - well then He will take me home... All you can do is trust Him and love Him regardless.

Please just keep praying. I hear everyday from people on how they are praying for me and I am just so grateful for that. I am encouraged and amazed at the network of fellow believers that God has so faithfully surrounded me with. Blessings to you all.

~Andrea

September: Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month

September is Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month and so I changed up the blog look accordingly. However, I saw a t-shirt the other day that really defined this well. It said:

September Hodgkin's Awareness Month

For my family Hodgkin's Awareness Month is also:

January

February 

March

April

May

June

July

August

October

November

December

That sums it up pretty well I think. 

I made up this banner below and it will spend the majority of its time this month as my Facebook profile picture. (The only time it will come down is for my son's 4th birthday this month.) I would love if you would all join me in pasting this banner as your FB profile - even if it is just for a day. 

I found my first symptom of Hodgkin's Lymphoma 8 months before I was officially diagnosed. When I went to the doctor I was told that lump was a cyst. Please do not get me wrong - I am not angry about this in any way. I know that I was diagnosed according to God's timing and I am totally at peace with that. However, I do know that by getting the word out about my story and the symptoms of Hodgkin's that perhaps someone else will be diagnosed that much sooner - and that just may save someone's life.

Thank you all for continuing to read my blog and for support in prayer and love.

Blessings,
Andrea

(In order to use the banner for you FB profile or wherever else you would like to use it just right-click and select "save picture as".)

Could it be any worse?

I actually try not to do that much research about my cancer which is very difficult for me because I am kind of a research junkie. I know, I know... weird. I love to learn about new things and I like to be informed as much as possible - especially when it comes to the health of my family. But with the cancer stuff it just gets to be depressing and the once vibrant ray of hope starts to fade as you read all these other stories of what people have had to go through - and when you are going through something like this you can't afford for that to happen.

Today, however, I could not resist and started reading some other "cancer blogs". It was then that I saw a lady who also has Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I think she was about my age and she had two children. But this is what broke my heart... she was 26 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child.... I felt like my heart stopped for a second when I read this.

Can you imagine that being your situation? This sweet mama being over half-way through her pregnancy and being diagnosed with cancer. She also stated that she was starting chemo that very next week and my heart stopped again. At that moment I praised God that he had spared me from having to make that decision because that very well could have been me.

When I was pregnant with my second son they found cancer cells and thought that I had cervical cancer. The one doctor told me that I would need to start treatment immediately. When I asked her what would happen to my baby - she said I would most likely lose him. This was just a thought I could not bare. I had lost four babies prior to finally getting pregnant with this baby and now they were expecting me to do this! I felt like they were asking me to choose between my two children - the one I had and the one that I was carrying inside me.

I quickly sought a second opinion and the second doctor said that they would just monitor me carefully throughout my pregnancy and as long as it didn't start spreading I would be fine - and I was. We now have our five year old son Ky and I can't imagine life without him. As tough as this situation was for me at the time - I cannot imagine what it would be like to be pregnant and diagnosed with something like Hodgkin's.

For those of you who are wondering what happened to the cervical cancer thing - well that was a God thing too. After I had Ky, they still found the cancer cells. In fact, for over a year every time I went in they found them. So what do I do.... I decided I wanted another baby. My fear was that if they did decide to treat me I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. So, I got pregnant with our third son and I fully expected to go through this whole thing all over again. But I went in and there were no cancer cells to be found. Perhaps that explains my shear belief this time around that God is going to heal me from this cancer too. He did it once - I know he can do it again.

I am sure I have shared this with you but I found my first symptom of Hodgkin's when my baby girl was just 2 weeks old. The next day I went into the doctor and they ran some tests and said that the lump (what we later found out was a tumor) in my neck was just a cyst. But the point is that my baby girl was only 2 weeks old. If we moved all of this up even a few months I would have been faced with this very similar situation.

My heart just ached for this mom. She only made one post and her last words were, "I am hoping and praying for the best possible outcome...." I don't know this lady's name, I don't know where she lives, but I am praying that same prayer for her as well. I am praying that same prayer for all of us who are facing cancer or anyone else who is facing tough a situation. And I am just grateful to God that this was not my own reality.

Update....

Well, we met with the doctors today and we still really don't have all of the answers - plus it is just kind of difficult to explain but I will do my best because if I don't I think there are a large majority of you who are going to show up at my house tomorrow and demand an explanation anyway... so here it goes.

Way back when, February 4, 2011 to be exact (seems like a lifetime ago) when I had my first PET Scan my SUV level was a 25. And no, I am not referring to my vehicle rating (is there even such a thing?) Anyway....unless you have been through the cancer scene yourself or are in the medical field this probably means nothing to you so I thought I would provide a little explanation of what it does mean....

You are probably aware that cancerous cells multiply at a faster rate than normal cells making them more active - and of course more dangerous because they like to take over all the good stuff. Anyway, when I go for a PET scan it shows what the cells activity rate is and it measures the value in SUV's or standardized uptake value (just in case you were interested). So the PET scan will determine the SUV of one spot in comparison to everywhere else in the body. The baseline for a person without cancer is usually a 1 (one) and they start to worry if a person is between 3 to 5 - remember, mine was a 25 which was not good - obviously -  hence the chemo thing for the past 6 months, etc. etc.

So, here is where the tricky part comes in. In my last PET scan (last Thursday) it was determined that I have a spot in my neck that is still showing a reading of 3.3 SUV's. It is wonderfully amazing that I have gone from a 25 all the way down to a 3.3 but it still puts me in that area of "concern". They can't really tell me if it is still the cancer or not and they don't think it can be ignored. I know... it is a bummer.

Basically we have options coming out of our ears. Some of them are not good options - like the one I have to sell all of my worldly belongings and live out my days on a beach somewhere - but nonetheless, they are still options and now it is time for Jason and I to really seek the Lord and find out what His will is for us at this time.

The first thing that they want to do is take a biopsy of the lymph node that is causing the issue here. This would be a surgical procedure and they would take the whole lymph node for examination. The one thing that may prevent this from happening is the location of the lymph node that needs to be biopsied. There are all kinds of arteries, tendons, etc. that I am really pretty attached to and would like to keep in one piece for obvious reasons. I will meet with the surgeon next week to see if the biopsy is even a possibility and if it is - well that will be the first of many decisions we have to make.

We are praying for large neon lit, billboard sized signs from God right now. I think the hardest thing is really just praying through every option and listening for God's voice to say, "Yep, that is the one!" But we are being very diligent through this process and know that God will do his thing when he is ready.

As for how I am doing  with all of this?  I am actually doing well. I had a peace going into this and I have that same peace now. It is so hard to explain but I just know God is going to heal me. I feel like I have already faced the lion on this one - 7 tumors in my neck, cancer in 3 different places in my body - so one little spot in my neck in the scope of life is just that.... one little spot. Yes, it needs to be addressed and we will walk it out as God calls us to but I do feel like I have faced a lot worse. Hopefully that makes sense.

So, that is the update for now... Thanks so much for all of the prayers!

Blessings and Love!
Andrea

Chemo #8

So, today I had treatment #8...... the funny thing is - like there is something funny about chemo - but I keep forgetting how many treatments I have had. I have to keep reminding myself. That is a clear sign that you have had too many treatments. LOL!

There are four more to go. Four seems so much more manageable than 5 doesn't it? Maybe it is just me.

I pretty much crashed when I got home today. I usually do okay on my treatment day and have a real hard time the Thursday, Friday, and Saturday after treatment but this treatment seems to be different. What am I saying? They have all been different. Not one has been the same.

Don't get me wrong, I am doing okay. Hey, I'm alive! That is good news right there - just super tired and trying to get a handle on the side effects.

I know I am dreadfully behind on my blogging but God has just been doing so many amazing things right now. First the Laundry Love Project this past week and then He has just been presenting ministry opportunity after ministry opportunity. I am doing my best to pay attention and trying to keep up!

I will keep you all updated over the next few days on how I am doing. I appreciate all of your prayers. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I do see it. It is starting to burn brighter now and before you know it we will be there.

Love to all!
Andrea

Chemo #7.....Blah

On Wednesday I had my 7th chemo treatment. It is hard for me to believe that I have been through this 7 times now. I think it is kind of been a blur...obviously a gift from God to minimize all of the pain I have endured.

I had someone ask me the other day what chemo was like and I was really caught of guard by that. At the time I had gone through 6 treatments and that was honestly the first time someone had asked me that question. I was totally unprepared and ended up giving a terrible answer I am sure but the question has been swirling around in my mind every since. I would love to find a way to describe what it is like so that people can have a real sympathy for it - not for me - but for your neighbor, friend, and family member. Everyone seems to know someone close to them that has cancer, gone through cancer, or will go through cancer and I continually pray that the Lord will use my experience to help others. That He will use my words to articulate what it is all about so that maybe you have just a little clearer picture on what that special person in your life is going through and you can be there to support them in a way that maybe you didn't know possible before.

So what is chemo like? Now I am going to throw a wrench in the whole works and not give a direct answer - It is different for everyone. :-) I know, I know, how is THAT suppose to help you help anyone. Well, it doesn't. But let me go on......My chemo rolls around every other week which does not give me a whole lot of time to recover. I feel like I finally get to feeling well again and try to cram everything I need to do in just a few days and then it is time for another treatment. Others have chemo every three weeks, every week, once a month, and so on and so forth. It just depends on what type of cancer you have and what stage you are at.

Also, there are many different types of chemo. Evidently there are people who can just take a pill (where can you sign up for that option I would sure like to know) but for others it is done through an i.v. My chemo is pumped into me with an i.v. and as I have shared before, I have a port that creates easy access and saves my veins.

I get several drugs pumped into me during each chemo treatment. There is of course the pre-chemo cocktail as I like to call it. For everyone else in the planet it puts them into a nice nap. For me - not so much. I sit there wide awake while they continue to give me the 4 drugs that make up my chemo concoction. My plan is called the "ABVD" - (sounds like a new investment plan - I wish) and cleverly each of the letters represents one of the drugs. This is suppose to be the good stuff when it comes to kicking the Hodgkin's tail. I sure hope so.

As they inject my body with all of the stuff I don't really feel much most of the time. Sometimes I feel a bit nauseated for a few moments but that is generally something that last just for a few moments. I have had stomach cramps in the past and other funky side effects but those aren't the norm. I do know after sitting for several hours when I try to stand up my legs feel heavy and I do feel weak and that is the standard for me for the next few days.

My dear hubby kindly loads me up after chemo, takes me home, and puts me to bed. I don't feel good but I don't feel terrible at that point....just blah. Sometimes I have nausea in the evenings. I have to constantly keep something in my stomach or it gets worse. My palate is pretty limited on what sounds good now. I seem to associate everything that I use to like with the nausea and - you guessed it - the thought of that particular item makes me nauseous all over again and so it must be avoided.

I think I struggle with the nausea more than most do. You aren't really suppose to have nausea with chemo now-a-days. But I am on about 4 or 5 different nausea meds and I still struggle with it. Thursday morning is about the same as Wednesday. I just feel blah. I may be having hot flashes, etc.  but I am still able to cope pretty well. The hard part for me comes Thursday afternoon. 24 hours after chemo they give me a booster shot to help my immunity. I have heard that this can cause severe pain in people. It does cause me some discomfort but mostly it just completely knocks me out and I need to sleep a lot for the next few days. I do get some aches and pains along with it but to actually feel those I have to be coherent and most of the time after my shot I am not. I struggle with this for the next few days - usually Saturday, Sunday, and on into Monday. The times I am awake I feel uncomfortable pretty much all the time. I feel like my G.I. system is just completely shot. Everything burns when it goes down and everything causes me heartburn making it even worse. Pepto and Pepcid are close friends of mine now and they do an okay job of making the discomfort bearable.

I have done a great deal of research regarding chemo for Hodgkin's Lymphoma patients - for those who know me I know you are not surprised by this. I research everything. Anyway,  I have read multiple times that Hodgkin's Lymphoma patients should expect to feel tire 1-2 days a month - the days of their chemo. Anytime I read this I generally want to write whoever decided to put that little tid-bit of incorrect info a letter explaining what really happens and ask them where they got such information. And it isn't just me - I did consider the fact that I might just be a big baby about the whole chemo thing, I really did consider that - but I do know other patients with HL and even though they all do handle it differently and it doesn't affect us all the same, they are a bit more fatigued than just 1-2 days a month. So, if you happen to ever read that in all of the research I know you are doing on HL - just throw that concept out the window. I can tell you it is not true.

Anyway, that is my chemo in a nutshell. I am 3 days past now - dealing with heavy fatigue, the gross feeling of nausea on an off, and the feeling that my entire G.I. system is on fire but I am getting through it. For those of you who have been dying to know what my chemo is like (I am laying the sarcasm on super thick here) now you have finally found the answer and can cross that one off the list. You can move onto much more exciting things like how hang nails form or why men have the ability to actually think of "nothing".

Praying this finds all of you happy, healthy, and blessed,

~Andrea

Chemo #5

Yesterday I received my fifth chemo treatment. I did pretty well until evening hit and then I became incredibly fatigued. It was also a rough night as I suffered a tremendous amount of acid reflux type stuff. Once I finally got that under control, I was able to sleep pretty well.

I woke up to find that 3 of my 4 children had climbed in bed with me. Thank goodness we have a king sized bed. I didn't mind. It just reminded me once again of the struggles they are having with all of this and their desire to be close and around their mom like things use to be. Although it is hard on me to see them struggle with this - it forces me to keep pressing on. I know that no matter what I should be on the downhill slide of my treatments. That is so refreshing in itself.

I am having some issues with my next treatment already. I will share those in my next post. It really is just a constant battle of the ups and downs of this process.

Hope all is well with each of you and that the blessings of God are abundantly yours.

~Andrea

Day 45: Dinner and a Hair Cut.....{Part 1}

So yesterday, Friday, was way too eventful for one post so I am dividing it into 2.

I know many have been wondering if I have started losing my hair yet. Most people don't ask me and opt to ask my husband instead. The funny thing is that it actually bothers him more than it bothers me. I don't want anyone to feel bad if you are reading this and have asked my husband about my hair because, if you haven't noticed, my hubby is a pretty tough guy and he has the wonderful ability to let things go easily.

Back to my hair.... I have been losing my hair for a little while now. I haven't even really noticed that it has thinned that much because I really have a ton of hair. (Ironically this always annoyed me in the past but now seems to be a good thing, who knew.)  A couple of people have said they can see how it has thinned, and so maybe it has, but because I see it multiple times a day I don't notice it as much.

Anyway, the past week or so it has gotten worse and it was just time to get it cut. My friend, Pam, who I have known since I was like 10 (literally) had offered to cut it for me when I was first diagnosed. She has gone through this process with several other cancer patients and so she is totally aware of how this stuff progresses. I was relieved because that meant at least one of us knew. I find that I am all together clueless about a lot of this stuff and because there are so many different kinds of cancer out there - and subsequently that many different types of treatment - every situation is quite unique.

So, she cut my hair into a cute A-line. I am really happy with it as it will be a lot easier for me to take care of than my long hair. I am also always up for a change - change is good - at least when it come to my hair. I can tell you I will never ever never ever never ever be one of those that has the same hairdo for 2 decades. (Yes, I meant to use that many "never ever's".) I just get bored too quickly with things to let that happen. I hear so many people say that they "look good" with that particular hairstyle. Well, how do you know that you won't look even better with another hairstyle until you try it? And after all, it is only hair and it will grow back. At least mine always has.

The hair loss is a big deal for some and I don't really know why it isn't for me. It just isn't though. I do have my suspicions on why.  I think it comes down to my perspective. As I have said before, losing my hair is such a small price to pay in order to get to see my kids grow up. Really it is and I can't speak for everyone out there but I think if you were given that choice - lose your hair and get to see your children grow up or keep your hair and don't - I am pretty sure you would say goodbye to your hair in a heartbeat, at least I know I would.

Also, I don't fear change. I know for me personally when fear begins to creep in it is because of the unknown but that is very different than change for me. An example of an unknown that I have feared before was like when I didn't know how far the cancer had spread through my body but then God gave me a peace that He was in control of that "unknown" and it didn't need to be feared any longer and so I didn't.

But I have never feared change. That is probably why I didn't mind moving around the country like we did. I just viewed it as an adventure. Getting my hair cut is like a scaled down version of that. You get the change without the packing Which is great because I hate packing. Anyway, if you get a hair cut what is the worst that can happen? You don't like it for a couple of months until it grows out. In the scope of life that is pretty small.

I also have my suspicions on why it bothers those around me so much that I am losing my hair - such as my tough guy husband. It bothers others because it is one of the few things that they can see that represents what the reality of the situation is. No one knows how bad I feel physically. Jason gets to witness this the most obviously, but he still doesn't know fully. I try to put it into words for him so he can have an idea every once in a while - like you know when you had your ingrown toe removed, well imagine having that done over and over again for about a week straight - or something like that. He then cringes in agony but he never really knows because he isn't the one going through it. Not that I would ever want him too but my point is that he sees my hair falling out and it is a visual for him of how bad the situation really is. Or maybe he just really liked my hair, I don't know. I am just talking out loud here.

I have felt so blessed to have all of you in my life who have encouraged me through this and tell me how cute my hair looks. That is definitely what I need to hear instead of  something like....Wow, you got a hair cut.......and she sure did cut it didn't she....wow, looky there....it sure is short...  Yeah, that just tends to be discouraging. Thankfully no one has reacted like that yet, at least not in words. I am sure there were a few thinking it. You know who you are. :-) Just kidding.

Anyway, I will blog tomorrow more about this day as it is getting late now. I wish you all a very blessed day.

~Andrea

Day 43: Doctor's Appointment Update

Hello Family and Friends,

I feel like I should just call you all family. Would that be okay? After all we have been through together - I know this is just as tough on you as it is on me. I may be the one that is going through chemo but you are the ones that are having to watch me go through it. You are also the ones that have to listen to me whine so maybe it is worse on you. :-)

I feel like I have been MIA but I am happy to report that today I am finally feeling much better. I went to the doctor too, which made me feel even better. I have another treatment next Wednesday and then the following another PET Scan in GJ. I then go back to my doctor on Thursday and they will tell me how many more treatments I will have. On that same day I will meet with the radiation doctor. He will then tell me how long I will have to have radiation. My doctor today thought it would be 5 days a week for 3-4 weeks. So why am I so happy about all of this you may be wondering.....

Because we are planning the end of treatment. The focus has now shifted from just chemo alone to the next stage. I don't know when it is going to begin or how long that is going to last and that all doesn't matter - it just matters that we are planning the end of my treatment. It gives me hope. It gives me energy. It gives me the strength that I so desperately need to finish what has been started. This probably makes no sense and I don't even know if I am describing it well but the energy is there and that is all that matters.

Some of you may be cringing about the radiation but don't. My doctor says that compared to chemo - it is a piece of cake. Plus I will be in town everyday which means that I get to have lots of lunches with all my friends. Anyone interested? We might be eating peanut butter sandwiches at the park but it can be great fellowship all the same.

What else can I tell you - oh, I also got to visit with my pastor today. That was really nice. I hadn't been able to catch up with him recently because of the kids being sick and then me being sick - I pray all of you have a wonderful pastor like I do. If you go to my church then I know you do but, just the same, I pray that you take the time to get to know him if you don't know him well. He is just an amazing man of God, and Jason and I are so blessed to have him for our boss and pastor. There are no words. And his wife is amazing as well. She took care of Kearyn for us the other day when Kearyn wasn't feeling good and we were just so blessed to have our baby girl in her loving hands.

Anyway, I think I could write forever tonight. I am sure you are getting tired of reading. I will talk to you all later. ~Andrea

P.S. I wanted to give a special thanks to Kathy. Thank you for being so faithful in your reading and in your friendship. I always read you emails and I am so encouraged. Maybe one of these days we can get together for coffee and you can share what God is doing in your life with me. I would love to hear all about it. Thanks again Kathy, you have touched my heart. ~Andrea

Day 39: Weak

Hello my dear friends. I just wanted to say thank you for reading this. Thank you for continuing on this journey with my family and me. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for your prayers and just believing in me that I can do this. Thank you for your offers of help. It has been overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time.

The only word I could think of to describe today was "weak". My body, mind, and spirit have all been pushed to the limit over the past few days and I definitely feel the fatigue. How easy it is to stay in the pit when you are already there but I am determined to get out of it.

I actually feel like I have recovered the most spiritually. Just seeking God over and over has brought me a great deal of comfort and peace. Although I know I am weak and I am not going to disguise it or hide it - the important thing here is that He is here with me and that is all I can ask for.

Mentally, I am battling. The sounds of my children keep me going. I hate the silence. I love to hear the chatter of the boys and the cooing of the baby. As Kearyn sits with me on the bed and loving crawls into my arms and just loves me as her mama, there is no greater reminder as to why I am doing this - why I am enduring. I love how my little men come in separately and check on me in their own little way. I think to myself what wonderful husbands they are all three going to make someday. I know without a doubt that in the end it will all be worth it.

My husband, it is probably the hardest on him. "Mr. Fix-it", as I affectionately like to call him, feels like he can't "fix" this. But he has no idea how much God uses him to bring so much comfort and peace to me. I see how he sacrifices his own comfort continually to make sure I am as comfortable as I can be. He is at my beck-and-call, getting me anything and everything that he thinks might make it a little bit better. I know he has not slept a full night since the diagnosis, yet he keeps on going. I know the worry for him is extensive as I can see it in his eyes and I know, without a doubt, he would take this for me if he could.

I do think he realized how bad this was on me today when I loving told him......you remember the whole "labor and delivery" scene we visited together several times (granted we are light-weights compared to some of our friends :-).......well that is nothing compared to going through chemo. His eyes just kind of got big and his mouth dropped open slightly. There were no words.

Anyway, today started out rough and I just felt so incredibly weak. I rested as much as I could clear into the evening. My mom came over and helped with the kids while Jason went to work and that was nice for the kids to have some grandma time. When Jason came home he brought all kinds of goodies that our friends had blessed us with - paper plates, forks/spoons, cups, paper-towels, and napkins. Someone even brought me flowers! They are beautiful. Whoever brought them didn't sign the card so I can't thank them personally but just know that they really did brighten my day. Thank you.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. Each day marks a new beginning. One of my dear friends sent me words of encouragement that referenced to how God's grace started fresh each day. (She was so much more eloquent in the way she put it.)

For now, I am going to say goodnight and continue to rest so that my body, mind, and soul can be strengthened and restored. God bless you all.

~Andrea

Day 36: Chemo 3 (Prayers Please)

Today chemo started out fine but just as I was finishing up things went south. The $365/pill meds they put me on this time evidently ran out just after 3 hours. For those of you who are like me and always have to break things down that is $121.67/hour or $2.03 a minute.

I ended up getting sick there in the cancer center which was actually a good thing because I still had my i.v. in and so they quickly treated me with the "Cadillac" drug that they gave me last time and pumped me full of more fluids. This did help tremendously but now I am home and battling again. I am taking the meds that I have here at home in order to try to feel better. So, if you can pray that something, anything, works I would be grateful. And don't worry, if I don't feel better tomorrow, I will call the doctors office again. (I know there are a few of you nurses out there that are keeping tabs on me :-)

Despite the crummy end to my treatment, there were lots of good things that happened during my treatment. First, my nurse was a lady that I have known since I was like 7. She is an amazing Christian lady and it was really fun to reconnect with her. Plus, when I got sick, she took great care of me.

Also during my treatment, a couple came in. The man, I will refer to him as R. as I don't want to violate his privacy, looked like he wasn't feeling well at all. I guess he has been battling his cancer for 10 years now. His dear wife, J., was really having a hard time seeing her dear hubby struggle so much. I was in the corner in my chair most of the time but at one point got up for something and on my way back I couldn't help it any longer. This lady was hurting. So, I asked her if I could pray for her. She almost started crying and so did I but I got through it with God's leading. They didn't stay much longer as I think they took him over to the hospital. I will continue to pray for him.

I met a lot of other people today too. I had a few visitors come and see me which was very nice. The staff there is so great, I just have really enjoyed meeting all of them as well. They are some of the most caring people I have ever met. We are so blessed to have such a nice facility in our community.

Anyway, I am going to lay down again and see if I can't sleep this stuff off. I will check in with you all tomorrow.

I have some great things in the works for you guys. I don't want to give you too much information right now but I am really excited about what God is doing right now. I am hoping this will help to spread His word even farther. Take care all, and thanks for the prayers in advance.

Day 34: Heart Condition

Monday was a long day. Kearyn was really sick and it is just so hard to see your little ones not feel good. She would only sleep in my arms and I didn't mind at all but I really just wanted her to feel better. She got the cold that the boys had AND is teething all at the same time so it is not fun in her world.

I have really been struggling with the idea of my chemo this week. I just don't feel prepared. Yesterday I felt like I had a really bad attitude towards it and I have been asking God to change it. I asked God to change my heart and change my mind.

This is one area that I know I have changed a lot in my life. I use to pray that I wouldn't have to go through things because I think I was afraid I wasn't strong enough to go through it. And I was right. I wasn't. But that was because I was trying to stand on my own strength and not on God's. But now I know that I am going to have to go through it whether I want to or not and it is critical that I stand on God's strength and hand it all over to him. So now I just ask God to prepare my heart condition and my mind condition in order to get through it the way I need to.

I can already tell that He is working on me in this way. I am starting to feel a bit better about it. I am excited that it is my 3rd treatment. As that means that I am getting closer to the end. It is actually going by fairly fast for me and that is so surprising. Usually when you go through something like this it seems to go on and on with no end in sight. I can see God working in so many ways.

For now, I am going to keep praying for a prepared heart.

Day 30: Reflection

So, I am a bit late posting this. Yesterday just seemed to be really busy and by the time I sat down to write this it was late and I figured no one would read it until this morning anyway.... so you will just have to forgive me for posting late.

Anyway, it is so hard to believe that it has been 30 days since all of this began. In some ways, just like a marriage, it seems like it has flown by and in other ways it seems to have been a whole lifetime ago. Of course I would not be referencing my own marriage in this analogy. ;-) (Just giving the hubby a hard time.) I adore him more each and every second I have the privilege of sharing my life with him.

Back to the point at hand.... I  really wanted to use this post as a reflection of what the last month has entailed for me. For those of you who are just reading for the first time here is what has happened in a nutshell:

God has changed my life. 

That is it - in one sentence. You see, it is much less important to me to express through what I have endured to go through the changes God is making in me as I think when I focus on those things I  have the tendency to let those things define me. My focus is totally and completely on what HE IS doing. He IS changing my life and I am doing my best to embrace it every step of the way. 

Here are the ways that He has totally and completely changed my life and my family's as well.

1.) I have experienced the greatest and most complete PEACE that I have ever experienced in my life. 

It is beyond all understanding to even myself who is experiencing it. I have a peace from the most basic thing to the biggest things. I have a huge peace with the treatment plan that He has laid before me and the medical staff He has blessed me with. He provides an everyday peace to help me get through whatever physical or mental obstacles I may have. I absolutely cherish this peace and am so thankful for it as I could not imagine waking through this with fear or bitterness of any kind each and every day of this long road ahead of me. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. ~John 14:27

2.) He has been ever so FAITHFUL.

There was a time where we did not know what the future would hold , and we still don't really, but God has been faithful every step of the way in order to, once again, give us the peace we need to walk each day out as needed. When we didn't know what type of Lymphoma I had for sure and didn't know how far it had spread throughout my body - we were very fearful that I would not see my baby girl's first birthday.I was terrified that I would not see my boys grow up and leave them here on this Earth without a mother. God has been so faithful in continually reminding us of his promise and sparing me of a future that didn't look so bright. 

God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. ~ 1 Cor 1:9

3.) He has given us HOPE.

He has given me so much hope along the way. The hope that I will indeed be here to raise my children. I will indeed be here to grow old with my husband. I will indeed be here to continue to have relationships with the family and friends I cherish so much. He has placed this hope so clearly in my heart and I rejoice in it. When I think of it something wells up inside of me and I feel like I am going to explode with excitement for I have hope for a future. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

4.) He has allowed us to SURRENDER it all to Him.

How comforting does that even sound -  "Surrendering it all to Him". He wants our burdens but so often we don't give them to Him. Why? Why do we want to hold onto such things that tear us down and make our walk so much heavier. He is there, he is willing, all we have to do is give it over and how often is it that we don't. I can tell you that I would not be able to walk one step of the journey on my own without His strength. People tell me all of the time how I am so strong. I have news for everyone and I am announcing it here, publicly for all to read- I am weak. I am frail. I am powerless. I am broken. It is only through Jesus Christ that I am able to get through one single second of this. He so graciously allowed me to give this all over to Him and I did. 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; ~ Proverbs 3:5

5.) He has allowed us to SHARE our journey with others.

One of things that has kept me going through this journey is to continually strive to glorify God throughout everything. As I said above, I would not make it one second on my own. It is only because of God that I am able to get through any of this. The fact that I have been able to share that with others has been huge for me. It is my heart that others experience God's love in the way that I have. I am humbled that He has given me the opportunity to share with you all in such a candid and real manner. You all, in turn, have blessed me greatly by your continued pray, support, and love. It has truly been amazing to watch the body of Christ work. You all have been such blessings to us and we want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;  I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly. ~Psalm 40:10

I could literally write for hours on all that God has and is doing in our lives right now in order to change us and I know for every one thing I realize that He is doing, there are probably hundreds more that I don't have a clue about. I can tell you that even though it isn't an easy journey that I am excited to see what the end result will look like. I know that this has changed me so drastically that I will never be the same - nor would I want to. As a friend of mine so eloquently put it - there is a life before cancer and a life after cancer and through the process God is creating a new life in me.

Day 24: A Day of Rest

I didn't do much of anything today. Last night was pretty tough, probably the worst so far since treatment started. The nausea was not too bad but I had a severe stomach ache that would just not go away. I don't think I have ever consumed so much Pepto in my life. But I got through it and then slept most of the day trying to recover.

Cale had a basketball game tonight and I opted not to go. It was the first game of his that I have ever missed and so that was kind of tough to say no to but I just really feel that the more rest I can give my body right now the sooner the good days will come again. Of course, this is totally against my normal tendencies. Normally I would just press on, make myself go no matter how I feel, but God has me in a very different place right now. I am having to learn new lessons.

I am so thankful that my husband does such a wonderful job taking care of me and that my children are here with me to brighten my day. My favorite part of this day was each time one of children came into see me, even if it was just for a few seconds. I adore my family so much and through them God is giving me the strength and endurance to battle as I need to.

Sorry this is so brief but I am off to continue to rest some more. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and hoping only another day or two of this and then the sun will be shining brightly once again. May God Bless you all!

~Andrea

Day 23: Post Chemo 2

Today I went in for more meds. They are giving me some extra stuff for my nausea as well as my booster shot. The booster shot is synonymous with nap time for Andrea. I sleep a great deal after getting it.

My stomach is doing better than the last round of chemo largely in part to a new drug they gave me. They referred to it as a "Cadillac drug". I thought my self esteem would improve more with being administered such a fancy drug but so far that hasn't happened. Although my stomach is better it is still giving me some fits. I know that it is going to be over soon and so I hang onto that.

My taste buds were absolutely fried yesterday and I had the awful metallic taste in my mouth that the chemo meds cause, which there are no words to describe but that is slowly getting better now. This is where the pudding comes in.

I do get feverish and then cold quite a bit. Jason has a heck of a time trying to keep up with me. But that isn't anything new. :-)

I will keep you posted on how things are going tomorrow. Thanks so much for your prayers. They are so appreciated. Love you all!

A Guy After My Own Heart...

I like reading other people's blogs to begin with and since my recent diagnosis of Hodgkin's Lymphoma I have now switched to reading people's blogs who have HL for an added twist. I ran across a guy's blog and he was hilarious. I would post the link and give him total credit for his work but he used a small amount of inappropriate language which I cannot endorse. So, I am just sharing part of his blog. Hopefully he won't sue me and if he does hopefully I get an understanding judge who doesn't like cursing either. :-)

If you haven't noticed, I am determined to laugh my way through this as much as I possibly can. I feel like a positive attitude and laughter are great doses of "medicine" that will help me get through this. I know not everyone "gets" my sense of humor. Please know that it is not my heart to make "light" of the situation, offend anyone else that may be going through this, or has a loved one going through this. It sincerely is just me trying to make the most of each situation and get through it the best way I know how.

Anyway..... this guy was talking about the wonderful med's he was taking post chemo to help him with all of the side effects. I have never been known to take a lot of med's myself. (Jason jokes with me all the time that I can sniff a Nyquill bottle and wake up 2 days later.) So this whole med thing, to me, is a lot. To be honest, I am terrible at it. Keeping track of what I have to take, when I have to take it, and how much I have to take...please!

So, this is a little dialog regarding how the drugs get their names because as we all know, we can't pronounce any of them....I was ROFL (for those who are not up on the lingo that means ROLLING ON FLOOR LAUGHING :-) after I read this and just had to share:

Scientist: "We've discovered a powerful new anti sickness drug that will greatly improve the lives of lymphoma patients undergoing chemotherapy."

Marketing: "Great. We will make lots of money now. What is it called?"

Scientist: "(RS)-9-methyl-3-[(2-methyl-1H-imidazol-1-yl)methyl]-2,3-dihydro-1H-carbazol-4(9H)-one"

Marketing: "Needs a catchier name. What is the target market for cancer these days?"

Scientist: "Hodgkin's lymphoma often strikes young adults, between the ages of 18-35."

Marketing: "Perfect. The kids these days are into dance music. We'll called it Ondance."

Scientist: "I think dance is spelled with an 's'. Also, if you add tron to the end we can tap into that 80's retro movie vibe."

          Marketing: "Killer."

Day 10: When the Road Gets Tough...

It seems crazy to think that only 10 days have passed since the initial diagnosis. In that 10 days many tests have been ran (I have lost count), the diagnosis was confirmed, and chemo has started. I can't imagine living in limbo for several weeks wondering what the future might bring. I am so grateful that my family and I did not have to endure that.

Today was probably the hardest day I have had yet with regards to my treatment. That is not saying much because we are barely into this journey. I woke feeling pretty rough and I am still trying to learn how to manage the nausea. I also slept a lot today.

My three year old is still sick and the baby is either teething again or not responding well to her new formula. Maybe a combination of both, I am not sure. Jason is definitely being kept on his toes. He is very good at taking care of us all and I am so grateful that he is the man God chose for me. I do not know what I would do without him.

I did start to feel slightly sorry for myself this morning when I felt so icky and then God brought me my baby girl via Jason's arms. I looked at her precious baby face and remembered instantly what it's all for. It is for the future that God has planned for my family and I. One in which we will prosper. This was not a promise that things will always be easy but it is a promise of hope and His undying love for us.

Another swift reminder came by means of a simple piece of paper taped to a restaurant window. It was of a man needing help as he was just diagnosed with stage 4 Lymphoma. I whispered to Jason, "This could have been me." It is so sobering and humbling all at the same time. So, in the midst of the new dynamic our family is facing, trying to figure out how to do this all over again, I am continually grateful for all that I have. Including the promise and the hope of a prosperous future.   

Day 9: Post Chemo

So, my day was marked by more tests today and then a follow-up shot to the chemo which put me to sleep soundly for 2 hours. By soundly I mean I didn't move and when Jason woke me up it was one of those situations where I didn't know where I was or what day it was..... I am pretty sure I haven't slept that hard since before I had my first child!

 I feel like I have been doing pretty well all things considering. The nausea has been on the horizon but I find if I snack on crackers and stuff it seems to help keep it away. Basically like when you are battling morning sickness, or at least me anyway. It is more annoying than anything else.

I have found a few things that consistently sound good to my tummy. Pudding is good. :-) That always perks me up and makes my tummy feel better for a bit. Who doesn't like pudding though! (Don't answer that if you don't like it, I am enjoying the moment.)

There are all kinds of things about chemo that I never ever knew before. It makes me feel bad for all of the people in my life that have gone through chemo and I was totally unaware of all it entailed. For example, you lose your taste buds! What a bum deal is that! Today I had a salmon salad and thank goodness for the Italian dressing because I really couldn't taste anything else.

If you could be praying for the overall health of our family I would be grateful. Both of the two little boys have coughs and I am not suppose to be around anyone who is sick, which is impossible because with a family of 6 someone always seems to be sick. So, prayers on that would be appreciated.

I am just feeling so blessed today to have all that I have in this world. Thank you to my family and friends for  being so willing to share this journey with me.

Love to all,
Andrea