Waiting & Praying

I know I am dreadfully behind on my blogging. All I can say is "sorry" to you all who look forward to reading it each day. My mind and my heart have been elsewhere for a while - not because I didn't want to be here but I just couldn't be here.

I couldn't figure out why I didn't want to write anything over the past week or so. At first I just chalked it up to the fact that I had a couple of rough treatments and I was just beyond exhausted. But it wasn't until today that I realized the real reason why. It was because I felt like my cancer was now running my life.

Each of my days are defined by how the cancer is making me feel. They are defined by treatments and medications, doctors appointments - they are defined by the dread of what comes next. This is not what life should be defined by. It should only be defined by God and God alone.

I feel like I have done my very best to see God's wisdom in it all, to trust Him, and to feel His peace. But suddenly all the lines became blurred. I started to feel like the "cancer" had taken over my life and I didn't like it at all. I don't like being sick and tired all of the time. I don't like that my husband and my kids don't like it - I think that is the worst part. I know they are so tired of this and they want their wife and mom back.

I know that things can never go back to the way they were before - I don't want them too. I have learned to much, I have gone too far to just suddenly wish it all away. But I do desire the simple things. I have said before that I don't ever feel I have taken my children for granted - Jason and I have lost too much to ever let that happen. But I did take for granted my role in their lives. This is something I will never do again.

I just had to get away from it for a little while. (At least in my mind.) I had to focus on some other things. Fortunately God has provided me with some great research opportunities that have allowed me to focus on something besides the cancer. And through that reprieve that God provided I was able to refocus on what I really needed to be focused on all along - God.

Today I had my PET Scan. The stuff they gave me knocked me down a bit which is really unfortunate because this is suppose to be my "good week" but I am glad we are to this stage of the game. Now we are just waiting and praying for the results. I am praying that the cancer is gone and that I am in remission. I am praying that I don't need that many more treatments. I would like it to be no more treatments to be really honest with you but I am preparing myself in case that is not my reality. I remind myself that the doctor said originally that I would have to go through 8-12 treatments. I mentally prepared myself for 12 treatments at that time. Anything less than 12 is a miracle.

Blessing to you all,
~Andrea