Monday was a long day. Kearyn was really sick and it is just so hard to see your little ones not feel good. She would only sleep in my arms and I didn't mind at all but I really just wanted her to feel better. She got the cold that the boys had AND is teething all at the same time so it is not fun in her world.
I have really been struggling with the idea of my chemo this week. I just don't feel prepared. Yesterday I felt like I had a really bad attitude towards it and I have been asking God to change it. I asked God to change my heart and change my mind.
This is one area that I know I have changed a lot in my life. I use to pray that I wouldn't have to go through things because I think I was afraid I wasn't strong enough to go through it. And I was right. I wasn't. But that was because I was trying to stand on my own strength and not on God's. But now I know that I am going to have to go through it whether I want to or not and it is critical that I stand on God's strength and hand it all over to him. So now I just ask God to prepare my heart condition and my mind condition in order to get through it the way I need to.
I can already tell that He is working on me in this way. I am starting to feel a bit better about it. I am excited that it is my 3rd treatment. As that means that I am getting closer to the end. It is actually going by fairly fast for me and that is so surprising. Usually when you go through something like this it seems to go on and on with no end in sight. I can see God working in so many ways.
For now, I am going to keep praying for a prepared heart.
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