So I Survived Cancer, Now What?.... A Book Perhaps?

This is something that has been on my heart since I was still going through treatment. I just didn't know the story that God wanted me to tell until about a month ago. That is when it was laid on my heart to write a book directed at other young mothers who have been diagnosed with cancer.

I remember feeling so many emotions when I was diagnosed. One of which was a lot of confusion. How was I going to get through this with four children? How was I going to be a wife and mother and STILL make it through my treatments? It was questions like that that formed the theme of my book.

I am very excited about it but I do need a lot of prayer. I feel like this is the last element to my personal healing and it is definitely challenging me in a new way that I am enjoying immensely. But with my lack of energy it is easy to put this project on the back burner to all of the other obligations that I have right now.

So, if you could be praying for the energy I need to complete this. Also, that it is what God wants me to say to these mama's in such a desperate and lonely time and that I can provide them hope if nothing else. Again, I am very excited about it and can't wait to keep giving you updates...:-)

Blessings,
Andrea

Grateful for the Little Things....{part.1}

I have always thought I was a very grateful person. But cancer gave me a whole knew meaning on the word "grateful".

I wanted to make a list of the little things I am grateful for. This obviously has to be a running list because there are just too many things to list in one post.

Nice Cashiers at Stores - nothing can change your mood faster than a cashier it seems. You get a nice one....your mood improves. You get one that is in a bad mood... your mood goes south right along with his or hers. I am so grateful for the nice cashiers of the world. I know they have a difficult job.

My Washer and Dryer - I know I have shared this with you all before but Jason and I have participated in the Laundry Love Project (you can read more about that here). This program is where you actually do the laundry for the homeless or for those who are struggling financially to the point where paying for their laundry to be done at the laundry mat is a severe financial burden. So, every time I put my clothes in my washing machine I literally thank God for it.

My Laptop and WiFi - there were so many days where I did not even have the strength to get out of bed. But because I had a laptop (and WiFi) I could still blog. This form of expression has been amazing for me. There are so many emotions that I was able to process just because of this media and I am grateful for it.

Old Photos - I have always loved photos but I have discovered a new found appreciation for them. I forgot so much of this past year because of the chemo but I can go back through the photos we took and it helps me remember all of the good times too....not just the icky stuff.

Sweaters - There is just something about a nice sweater on a cold winter day. :-)

Naps - I never used to take naps. I always had too much to do. Well, now my body forces me to shut down for a certain amount of time during the day to "recharge". Now it has become one of my favorite times because I lay down when my baby girl lays down. She snuggles up to me and it has become this wonderful time for us. Something I know I will cherish forever.

There is nothing like thinking of these things on a day when you are feeling down or gloomy. As I start filling my life with all that I have to be thankful for it just makes me smile.

May your life be filled with blessings and moments that you too can be grateful for.

~Andrea

Beware of the {Joy} Robbers!

I feel like I am pretty joyful in my life. After all, I have a lot to be joyful about. Hey, I woke up this morning - it is a good day! :-) That is pretty much my perspective after what I just went through.
But, I am a mom of four kids - five if your count Jason. (Just kidding - kind of.) So sometimes I just feel like the joyful juice just seems to run out. Anyone with me? Probably not - I am sure I am the ONLY person who goes through this.

Right now I have the "pre-teen". Don't get me wrong - my "pre-teen" is a really good kid. We are so very blessed to have him for a son and I know that my issues with him are really pretty mild compared to what a lot of parents deal with. After all, my husband is a youth pastor so we are aware. I will just leave it at that.

Our issues with Cale are like - stop reading so much. I'm serious. The child would read 24 hours a day if he could and I love the fact that he loves to read so much. But there are other things in life that must happen. Like showers and eating. We do get the occasional "pre-teen" attitude from time-to-time but most of the time he is an excellent kid.

Then I have the 6 year old, the 4 year old, and the 19 month old. That is where things start to get a little busier.... (understatement)

Most of the time things are what they are. We go with the flow. Not life or death obviously. But then there are these moments... I call them the "joy robbers". For example, every time we go to leave our home I feel like there is an invasion of the "joy robbers". I will get Kearyn (19 months) ready to go and go to find the 4 year old. I will look over every square inch of the house to only find him a half an hour later hiding in a cupboard that only a mouse could fit into. (Small exaggeration but you know what I mean.)

Then, I turn around to find the the 19 month old has completely undressed herself - tights, dress, hair bow, and yes, even the diaper from time-to-time, completely gone!

That is when I feel it. My blood pressure goes up a notch. I just want to sit down bury my head in my hands and tell them that mommy doesn't want to play this game anymore... stop hiding in cupboards and keep your close on. Please! And that is only 2 of the 4 children I have.

However, as I have recently felt the "joy robber" invasion I have decided to do things differently. It is basically the equivalent of "stop-drop-and roll" - you know what the firemen told us to do as a kid... Well, mine is STOP - THINK - CHOOSE. (Hey, I have to keep it simple or I will never remember it. Then  my blood pressure would go up another notch for not remembering.)

I stop whatever it is that I am doing in that moment. (Even if it is being curled up in the fetal position and crying in the corner.) I think about what it is happening. Someone is trying to rob my joy in this moment. Then I make a different choice. I choose to see the joy in that moment and I choose to keep my joy. I refuse to let the "joy robbers" steal it from me.

Sometimes I just have to laugh at the moment. Or I find something to be grateful for in that moment - like the fact that my 4 year old son is so creative that he even thought of that cupboard as a hiding place. Or that my daughter is even here with me in this moment at all. When I fill my thoughts and my heart with gratefulness my perspective changes almost instantly. The blood pressure goes down and I can resume whatever it is that I am doing with joy in my heart.

How are the "joy robbers" treating you lately?


The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~ John 10:10

Road to Recover: Step 2 {FASTING!}

Today we started our fast. By "we" I mean Jason and yours truly. Here's the short story...

I went on a fast about 2 weeks after I finished chemo. After about 5 days I got a lot of my energy back. Not all of it of course but I at least could go for walks and stuff. It was really nice after feeling so bad for so long.

I had these blister things on my fingers that I started to get about half way through my chemo treatments. They were awful. They hurt so bad and then they would itch too. I couldn't even turn the key to start the car without it hurting. But after about a week and a half of being on this fast all of those went away. Also, all of the numbness in my finger tips from the chemo went away.

Anyway, for just having gone through 12 rounds of chemo, I felt pretty good. But then they told me I had to have radiation. And one of the side effects of the fast is that you will lose weight (not complaining) but when you go through radiation you can't lose any weight so I had to stop the fast.

So, after having the radiation I have not been able to recover since - which is not abnormal. It is just that hard on you. I am tired all of the time. I wake up tired.

For example, today Jason and I went to the store. I had to chase Kearyn twice and Jason said he could tell I was "done for". Don't get me wrong - I am not telling you all of this because I want you to feel sorry for me. It is what it is and I am grateful for life. Period. However, I feel that it is important to document what I am going through so that people can have compassion towards others going through something similar.

The biggest thing I hear is that I "look fine." Well, I have said it many times - my insides don't match my outside. And how often does this happen in life. Everything looks fine on the outside and then we find out something and we are like, "Wow, I never knew. They looked totally fine on the outside." It doesn't even have anything to do with cancer. I think this has been a sharp reminder to me that I can never take that for granted in another person ever again.

We are all broken in some way. We are all dealing with something and sometimes we just need someone to understand and not take for granted that we look like everything is as it should be on the outside.

Being in this situation has forced me to be honest in a way that I struggle with. The "I'm doing fine," line just doesn't cut it. I have had to guard myself in a way that has required a brutal honesty on my part and then I pray that the person that I am telling listens. This has given me such a compassion for what others are going through - a lesson that I am glad I am learning, even if it is hard on me to learn it.

Back to the fast... I knew that I needed to go back to it but it isn't the easiest thing I have ever done. So, I have been praying for the strength and conviction to do it. That is when my hubby stepped forward and said he would do it with me and for this I am so grateful!

So, we started today. It is basically no white flour, no white rice, and no sugar of any kind. No big deal. ;-) The white rice and the white flour really isn't a big deal. But there is sugar in everything. Even you season salt has sugar in it. Then we can only eat chicken or fish. :-) There are also some supplements that you take as well, like lots of vitamin B, etc.

I know I need to do this. I cannot remain this tired for the next several months like they are telling me is the norm. I have a husband that wants his wife back and four children that want their mom back. I know that if I do what I need to on my part that God will bless me with the strength and energy that I need to be the type of wife and mother HE wants me to be.

I will keep you posted on how it goes...

Road to Recovery: 1 Step Forward - 2 Steps Back

As I mentioned yesterday, I was referred to a physical therapist - which I went to yesterday. It wasn't as productive as I had hoped but it did confirm that I am not crazy - at least regarding my physical condition.

Basically the PT said that is was very early on to be starting anything like this. He said that he would look more to 6 months past treatment. (I am not even at 2.5 months yet.)  He went on to say that he would give me a couple of stretches to implement into my day-to-day routine but he cautioned me that I should not expect much from my body at this point.

This is good and bad.

Good: It confirmed that I am still very early on in the recovery stage and even though I feel like I should be able to do a lot more, that I simply need more time and I need to give myself that time. It confirmed that the fact that I am so darn tired each and every day is not in my head either. That it is very normal for someone in my situation to feel this way. So, those are good things.

Bad: I want to feel better already! I feel like I have already given a year of my life over to this cancer stuff and I don't want to give anymore time to it. But, we can't always have what we want. God does provide what we need and he has been faithful in that every step of the way.

So, there is the low down. I am going to start PT a couple of times a week for the next couple of weeks and then they will let me work on that stuff for about a month. Then, they will reassess the situation and figure out what I need to do from there.

I am learning a great lesson of patience here....

Road to Recovery: Step 1

Now that I know I won't need anymore treatment, my mind has shifted to the road of recovery. This has become very important to me. Not only do I need to get my physical condition back to where I was before I diagnosed - but it actually needs to be even better.

There is a lot riding on this. My risk for a secondary cancer is definitely a factor. No, I cannot let that worry consume my thoughts but I do need do my part to reduce this risk factor wherever I can.

So, today I will start physical therapy. This was a recommendation from my oncologist and one that I am grateful for. I hope that they will be the first step that I need in order for me to get my strength back. I am pretty much at zero right  now and it just can't be that way. I need to be strong once again so I can take care of my family and my self.

I will let you know how it goes and let you know about some other things that I will be implementing in the next few weeks.

I hope you all are having a very blessed week.

Andrea

Moving Forward...5 Tips on How to Get Going

I was actually writing about something else today and this topic was just laid very heavy on my heart so I switched gears.

I feel very much like I am starting over in life. Now this is both good and bad. It wasn't like my life was bad before. I loved my life. But obviously that season needed to come to an end for me so a new season could begin. (scripture reference: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

This can happen for many reasons - not just because of an illness. We see this happen when people go through a divorce, a death of a loved one, a career change, maybe when your children grow up and leave home... the reason isn't so much of the focus here but more of what happens next.

I feel like I just woke up from a long sleep and everything is different now. The schedule that I had once lived by is non-existent. I had to let go of all the activities and groups that I was apart of before as well. My kids are different for this has changed them too. My relationship is different with my husband, my other family members, as well as my friends. Again, different doesn't necessarily mean bad... it is just that...different. And it all takes time to adjust.

But in the midst of all of these changes you can feel a bit overwhelmed. You wonder how you even begin to move forward. You look around your house, you look at your relationships, and you look at all you need to do -  and it can be very intimidating.

As I was processing this today, I thought of how easy it could be to do nothing. Just retreat. Just say that it is too big and give up allowing the illness, divorce, loss, relationship change, career status, or whatever else that may be causing this to consume you - to become your identity.

It would be so easy to isolate yourself and never become the new person God is calling you to be and never enjoy the fruits of the new season you are being called to live in.

So, how do you move forward? How do you re-prioritize, re-establish, re-commit to things in this new season. Here are a few steps that I have come up with for myself that may help you as well if you find you are in the same situation I am in.

1. Pray. 

Ask God to give you the wisdom to know how you need to move forward. Ask him for the strength to do it. It is so easy to jump back into the "old life" and there are probably aspects of that old life that you will go back to but there may be some things that you were meant to let go of too.

I remember our old pastor giving a sermon one time on the things you do. He said just because God called you to do them 2 years ago does not mean he is calling you to do them today. That is so true and we must be prayerful about each and every thing before we place it back into our lives. Just because it was there before does not mean that it is meant to be there now.

2. Prioritize.

So after you pray, then God will help you set the priorities that you need to have. With my situation, I am dealing with a limited amount of energy. So, I can't have the list of priorities that I once had. I will share my list of priorities with you now and how I am currently addressing them.

My Faith - I know for a fact that I cannot let this slip one bit. I need to be continually seeking and growing in this area. How am I going to work on this - church, bible study, and actually writing believe it or not. I feel like my writing is a very strong form of worship in my life and it definitely keeps me centered and focused on the cross.

My Family - This is where things start to get more complicated for me. I want to pour into my family but I start to run out of energy very quickly. So, it has become more about the quality of time I spend with them right now and not necessarily the quantity of time. Now, don't get me wrong. I am with my children all of the time as they are at home with me so that equates to a lot of time being under the same roof as they are. But ultimately, if the quality is not there then that is just what it is - time under the same roof.

My goal is to make the moments I spend with my children as meaningful as possible. So, that means that I really engage with my oldest son when he has one of his conversations with me about ancient history, how some battle was fought and with what kind of weapons they used. Instead of thinking of other things, my focus is on him.

The same goes for my husband. Even if I only get 15 minutes with him before one of us has fallen asleep at night then that 15 minutes needs to be as meaningful as possible.

My Friends - Ultimately I know that I have not been a very good friend this past year. The thing about friendships is that they take some degree of energy and investment on both sides. When I was unable to make that investment some of my friendships weakened or were even lost. It doesn't make it easy by any means.

Because this is such a difficult area it is tempting to just throw myself back into these relationships full force. But once again I remind myself that I am still operating on a very limited level of energy and I must ease my way back into things. That leads me to my next tip....

3. Baby-steps.

As I mentioned before, it is very easy to become overwhelmed and then not want to do anything. You freeze-up because you just don't even know where to begin. The key here is to just start somewhere. Anywhere. And move forward with baby-steps. You don't have to be 100% overnight.

This doesn't even have to relate to a major event in your life. Perhaps you have just slipped a bit or wake up one day and don't like the choices you have made but are unsure of how to get back to where you need to be. Just make one baby-step in the direction you need to go. Maybe this means that you get back into the word a certain amount of time each day. If you are like me and are needing to reorganize your house - well, just start with one small section and go from there. Again, it is important to just move forward - not necessarily how much you move forward.

4. Grace.

Be sure to have grace for others as well as for yourself. I have found that people rarely understand the trial that you are in unless they have been there first hand themselves. But this doesn't mean that they don't want to understand.

Each time I share some of my experiences with a friend and they realize truly how hard chemo was and how badly it affected me - their perspective changes. They provide me the grace I need not to be expected to jump back into everything overnight.

You also need to have grace for yourself. I talked a great deal about this in a post I wrote a couple of days ago. (You can read that here.) You cannot have unreasonable expectations for yourself and if you fall short, then it is even more critical to have grace for yourself in those times as well.

5. Enjoy.

This is critical for me personally. I do miss different aspects of my life before all of this but I have so much to be joyful for in this new season as well. Any time I start to feel a bit overwhelmed I just think back to how far I have come, the victories I have seen, and the many things I have to be grateful for now.

So, if you are in a similar boat as I am in - maybe this post can be meaningful to you. Moving forward isn't always easy but definitely worth it.

A Time for Everything {Ecclesiastes 3:1-8}

A Time for Everything

 ¹ There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under heaven:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

New International Version 1984

{Christmas Theme 2011}

I have been wanting to do some posts on our December. I just feel like I was so distracted with everything that I couldn't even get to it....until now...so hang on to your boots. Here we go!

Anyway, I always do a different theme each Christmas. It's a lot of fun for me. Up until Kearyn was born I lived in a house full of boys so they didn't really much care. If I would have done my decorations in camo or something like that they probably would have sat up and taken notice.

I feel like I am a pretty good boys mom. I do the whole camping/hunting/shooting thing. I embrace it. After all, I did marry Jason. It isn't like I didn't know what I was getting into. But you have to draw the line somewhere and my line happens to occur somewhere before the Christmas decorations. So they tolerate me well.

Another aspect of the whole changing of the theme is that it has to be done on the cheap. I cannot justify spending a whole bunch of money each year on new ornaments when I have perfectly good ones already. So, that makes it an even better challenge for me because if you know me at all you know I like to do things frugal. I seriously like the challenge.

This year I am proud to report that I spent $7. $2 on the supplies to make my new ornaments and $5 on ribbon from the dollar store and I am sure I will reuse that year after year because it was in red. So, it was more like an investment ;-).

Moving on... My inspiration this year was this....

That's right. Book pages! Love them. However, this pose a huge problem in our house.... My oldest son is absolutely in love with books. He reads, reads, reads. Which we love of course. But when mama wants to do a craft out of old book pages it stirs up quite the controversy. I start seeing picket signs and he starts doing sit-ins and chanting things like, "save.the.books....save.the.books...."

For the record, I purchased ONE dictionary at the thrift store for $2 (half off of course) that was printed in the 80's and had a broken spine. It wasn't even vintage. Again... it was a dictionary AND It was from the 80's! We don't even need to talk about the 80's let alone that it was a dictionary. And this book will complete all of my book page needs probably for the rest of my life.

However, despite the above mentioned facts my son was still not happy with me. Then he continues to rat me out to all of the other book lovers he knows and then they just sit around and glare at me. Sheesh.

I also solicited his help to create the ornaments. I thought he would appreciate seeing something beautiful emerge from an old dictionary. Big mistake. He read every page before he would "authorize" me to use it. And yes, there were some that he said I couldn't use! When he got to a list of the signers of the Constitution he refused it and instead filed it away for safe keeping. I tried to explain that he could simply "Google" that information and he said it wasn't the same....

But we made it through all of that and actually got enough ornaments done to decorate the tree. Here are a few of the things we ended up making...

{The whirly-gig looking thing, the star looking thing, and the paper rose were all things I just made up. (All of that child-hood paper folding did serve a purpose after all.) The bird idea I got off of Pinterest and you can take a peek at the tutorial here. I will be doing a tutorial on that paper rose technique because it is just a lot of fun and everyone needs to know how to make a paper rose. Why? - I don't know, it is just cool and you never know when you will need to make one.} 





This is a picture of the things I made to hang in front of the windows as window garland. 

I also like to do my wrapping in a coordinating theme as well. I know, I know, my husband gives me grief all of the time. But it is just a thing with me. I wish I would have taken a picture of our packages too but I did get this one of the gift bag version. 

These were a lot of fun because I just took the plain brown paper bag and the brown paper for the gift wrapping. I "dressed them up" by making an extra bird ornament for them and attached it with fuzzy red yarn. I even made the gift tags from the book paper too. 

Anyway, that was our Christmas theme for 2011! :-) 

The "Official" Cancer Update & Prayer Request

So, we were so overjoyed at the news that I am now a "cancer survivor" that I realized I never did a complete update on my situation. I know there are some of you who are wanting to know what is going on exactly so here it is...

As far as the PET scan is concerned I am at what they call a "complete response" - which meas that there is not any cancer being detected.

I do, however, have a spot in my chest. Evidently it is an enlarged lymph node and I guess this is common for the type of Hodgkin's Lymphoma that I had. So, they will basically just watch this spot until it goes away or if it doesn't go away I guess they will just keep watching it for the rest of my life.

I have my next CT scan on 2/20 and then meet with my oncologist a week or so after that. If I get a clear scan then, my oncologist will let me get my port out. That will be a happy day because this thing honestly drives me crazy.

From there I will see my oncologist every 3 month with a scan every 6 months. Once I hit the 2 year mark my risk for the HL to come back goes down significantly. When I hit 5 years it goes down even more. In 8 years they will start watching me closely for breast cancer as my risk for that is up due to the radiation.

So, if you would like to continue to pray for me I would of course appreciate that. Please pray that my scans continue to be clear and that the spot in my chest just goes away so we don't have to worry about that.

Anyway, that is the situation for now. It really does feel so good to know that I won't have to have anymore treatment. I really don't know what to do with myself right now but I am sure I will figure something out. As of now, I am just trying to give myself the rest that I need. They say that it takes just as long to recover as it did to go through treatment so I am looking at another 8 months or so in order to get back to normal.

Thanks again for all of the prayers and other support so many of you have offered over this past year. We couldn't have done this without you and, of course, without God. For He receives all of the glory for giving me the strength and will to get to this point and for placing so many wonderful people in my life to help us in our time of need. I am truly grateful for each and every second HE has given me. They are a precious gift.

Blessings and Love,
Andrea

Lesson of Today: Keep Your Sense of Humor and God Will Provide [Even Toilet Paper]

I could not help but to blog about this today. It was just one of those moments. Let me explain...

So, Jason and I were having some prayer time this morning. This is always a struggle in our house. Mainly it is the baby who does not like that she cannot have access to everyone she wants to have access to. Her brothers do a great job of trying to distract her long enough for us to get through this process but you still get the occasional door knock with a little 19-month-old girl on the other side saying, "Ma-ma, Da-da, Ma-ma, Da-da..... Da-da-da-da-da-da.....Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma..." you get the point.

Anyway, we were pressing on trying to focus regardless of the distractions and then it comes to our quiet time..... The house was actually relatively quiet and it was very refreshing. Then I hear screaming. I am trying to make out the words of our four year old and I finally hear...."Somebody help me please... I need toilet paper!" What do you do with that? I mean really?!!?

So, I do what a lot of Christians do in that moment and take away the lesson that God is providing.... My lesson.... always keep your sense of humor and God will always provide for you... even if it is toilet paper.

Wherever you are today I hope that you too are able to keep your sense of humor... and that you have toilet paper too.

Have a great day!

Andrea

Learning to Have {Grace} for Me

Even I, even now, with so much to be grateful for, get frustrated. Mainly I get frustrated with myself. I just can't do all the things I want to. I feel like I am operating at 10% of full capacity and it just irritates me to no end.

The other day we were talking to some friends and this topic came up. He referred to me as a "high achiever". I had never thought of myself that way before. I just do what I do. But I do have to admit that he is probably right.

I will blame my parents. Just kidding. It sounded like a funny thing to say and so often in our society we end up blaming others for our issues but that is a whole other blog. Just for the record - I do not blame my parents nor anyone else. I completely own this issue as my own.

Anyway, they (meaning the cancer treatment staff) warned me against this. They said that when I finished my treatment that I would be expected to just jump back into life full force even though my body had just gone through the wash and rinse cycle over and over again for months on end. They were right. But it isn't everyone else that puts these expectations on me - or at least they don't verbalize it. I have found that it is actually me! (For those of you who know me well - I know you are probably not surprised. I am sure you are saying something like, "Um yeah, of course you are!" But for myself - this is a painful realization.)

You see, I have never been a very good patient (you can ask my beloved husband - I irritate him to no end). If he has a headache, he takes a couple of pain relievers and lays down for a bit. As for me - I forget to take the pain relievers (until he reminds me) and end up cleaning my kitchen because laying there in pain absolutely drives me nuts. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying my husband is a wimpy guy. I mean, just look at him! He is the strongest man I know and I have plenty of stories to back this up as a factual statement. However, he gets very embarrassed when I start breaking those out so I will save those for later ;-). What I am saying is that my behavior is not always "normal" in these types of situations.

Even after I had each of my children, I was up and ready to go two hours after I had them. That is just the way I operate. So, why would now be any different...

But now, I look around my house and see that it needs to be cleaned. So I clean it. Then I can barely get out of bed for three days. I repeat this behavior time and time again. Instead, I should do a little at a time... but nooooo.... I just don't seem to learn that lesson.

I have these expectations of myself and they are totally unrealistic for what I have just gone through - yet I still have them and I still get so frustrated when I fall short - even though I know I am going to fall short. It is a viscous, never-ending cycle. My expectations just continually exceed my ability at this time.

So, I am learning how to be grateful for the things I can do and to not beat myself up for the things I can't. I am learning that no matter how badly I want to do something - sometimes I just don't have the energy to do them. I am definitely learning how to prioritize in a major way. I am also learning that it is okay to allow myself the time I need to recover and baby-step my way back into this thing called life.  Ultimately, I am learning how to have grace for me.... something I am realizing that I have never had much of in the past.

A Different Kind of Joy

One thing that some people would never associate with cancer is joy. But as I have walked through this journey I have noticed some very distinctive times where I experience shear joy. Perhaps you become more aware of these moments because there are so many struggles along the way and when you feel joy it is more enhanced because of those hard times. 

I remember the first time I felt this joy.... it was July 13, 2011. It was the day I finished my chemo treatments. Now keep in mind, this was kind of a clouded joy as I had just spent the last 6 hours being pumped full of drugs. But I still felt joy. As my friends and family surrounded me outside the cancer center and offered me gifts of flowers and balloons to help me celebrate... I felt joy. 

The next time I remember feeling this joy was the day I finished radiation. This joy was even more powerful than the joy I felt after chemo. (A lot of this probably had to do with the fact that I was not pumped full of drugs that day.) But I really felt joy in that moment. I did it. I had endured a month of radiation every single day. As the staff played music and through confetti in my hair... I felt joy. 

The next time I felt this type of joy was 2 days ago. It was the oddest thing - I met with my first doctor and he gave me the news, yet, I held my heart back. I then went to the second doctor and he confirmed the news, yet, I still held back for some reason - like I was too afraid to believe it. It wasn't until he said the words, "You are now a cancer survivor," that it really hit me. That shear joy. I had done it. I had made it to the end. I had battled for my life and I had won. I felt joy. 

Today I woke up and had that joy as well. It was just a beautiful joy-filled day. (I am sure yesterday was the same I was just too tired to realize it.) But anyway, all I have right now is joy. 

The crazy thing is that I would have never chosen this for myself. If God would have given me a menu of "growth opportunities", there is no way I would have selected the "cancer" box. But if I wouldn't have gone through all of this I would have never felt this different kind of joy I am experiencing today. 

Would I do it again? Umm.... probably not. (Just being honest here.) But it is just a beautiful reminder of God's love for us. Not only will he walk through the valley with us but while we are standing on the mountain top he will show us the rainbow. I am on the mountain top right now and I can tell you... the view is beautiful. 

Blessing and Love,

Andrea

{exhausted}

Today..... I.am.exhausted.... It always amazes me how much energy this has taken to get through. And it is not just physical. It is mental, emotional, and especially spiritual exhaustion.

This has been my focus for so long - the finish line and it feels like I have had to use every ounce of my strength to get here. 

It is still very surreal. I don't think it has taken full effect yet. I just find myself thinking in my mind...I am cancer-free. I am cancer-free. I am cancer-free - over and over again. 

It is good to be free. 

{Rejoicing Today} I am Cancer Free!

For those of you who have been keeping up on my blog you know that today was a big day for us. Today I found out if I needed more treatment or if my scan was clear....

I am so joyfully overwhelmed to announce that I am now a cancer survivor. It has a nice ring to it doesn't it... cancer survivor, cancer survivor, cancer survivor. Okay, I will stop now. 

I do think that I am a bit in denial still because it just doesn't seem real yet....

11 months and 2 days ago was one of the hardest days of my life. It was my "d-day" (diagnosis day). It was something that I certainly never expected to happen at 31 years of age. 

Throughout the last 11 months there have been many hard days. Days that I was so weak I couldn't even get out of bed. Days where I couldn't keep one ounce of food down. Days where every ounce of my body ached so badly that I almost couldn't stand it....but not today. 

After thousands upon thousands of prayers said on my behalf from countless different locations across the world - our prayers have been answered. I am cancer free. 

I was trying to think of a way to describe my feelings at this moment. Then I thought of a roller-coaster ride. There are the ups and the downs and being yanked from side-to-side and then you climb the big mountain. You are fearful with anticipation and then you get to the top where your fear peaks.... then you stop just for a moment and there is that moment where gravity hasn't taken affect yet and you just have joy.... That is where I am right now. Floating. Joyful. Rejoicing. 

This is not the end of my ride by any means. I have many months ahead of me of tests, observations, and gaining my strength back day-by-day. But for now I am just going to sit back and enjoy the rest of this ride. It has been a long one. 

All glory goes to God for without him I would not be here today. He gave me the strength and courage to walk this out day-by-day, moment-by-moment. He never left my side and I am truly grateful that he gave me this gift of life. That he has allowed me to stay here with my husband and children. I can do nothing else but weep with joy. 

After we left the doctor's office I just sat and cried. It was like I had so much emotion pinned up inside of me and it just came flowing out. I told Jason that this journey began with tears and ended with tears... but I definitely prefer these kinds of tears. 

My children are filled with joy today as well. I told them and my six-year-old asked me... "Can I say a cheer mommy?" Sure, why not! They chanted... Mommy's cancer free, mommy's cancer free. I am so grateful for them. I am so grateful to be their mother. I am just grateful!

Anyway, I can go on and on but I will finish this up for now. Just know that the Gressman house is definitely rejoicing tonight! 

Blessings and love to all!

Andrea

God's Faithfulness...

So, I just had to share... as we were driving into town today I couldn't help but to be in awe of the beautiful mountains and the blue sky. There was a hot-air balloon even and it made me smile. I felt the warmth of the sun and that is when it happened... I felt the most intense peace once again. I have shared about that before...a peace beyond all understanding. It was 9:12 a.m.

And I just know everything will be okay.

My next blog will be the results of today. I am currently sitting in the doctor's office awaiting the results....

Struggles of Today....

It is important to me that I document the emotions that I am going through as we go along. I find that it is impossible to describe them accurately later on. So, here we go.

I am battling. I am battling between the peace that God is giving me and the fear that the enemy is trying to plant. It takes constant effort to keep my focus on the cross and I realize once again how exhausting it is mentally, emotionally, and most of all spiritually.

There is a lot at stake today and many of the issues I haven't even articulated yet. They just float around in my mind. But I will do my best to articulate them now.

Basically it comes down to this - they have given me the first line of defense when it comes to Hodgkin's Lymphoma. They can only give me four more treatments of this particular type of chemo and the doctor said last time that he wasn't even sure that if they would work. Evidently, the cancer cells can be resistant to chemo - which we see all the time when treatment doesn't work for certain people. It is hard to believe that as bad as it makes you feel that it wouldn't be able to kill every last thing.

Anyway, so what I struggle with is the fact that if this line of treatment doesn't work then I will be relying on a second line of treatment and there is a reason that it is the second line - it isn't as effective.

That is what I am struggling with right now. Not the idea of going through more treatment. I will go through whatever I need to in order to get even one more minute with my husband and my children.... it is the even bigger pictures. So, with each and every moment, each and every prayer, I am continually laying those thoughts down and clinging to the peace that God is providing me.

My Difficult Day

This has been a difficult day. I wrote my blog post earlier to only find that I was being blocked from sharing the link on Facebook. Evidently someone had flagged my blog as "abusive and/or spammy". I have to tell you that this really hurt my feelings more than anything else, so if that was what the person was going for - well then they succeeded.

As I have written each word on here I have literally poured out my heart. I have been as authentic as I could possibly be - in a way that wasn't always comfortable. It has definitely gotten me "out of my box" that is for sure.

Most of you probably won't believe this but I am actually a very private person. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve and generally Jason is the only one who can really tell if I am upset by something. God has worked on me a bit in all of those areas to say the least and from the very beginning I knew this was something I had to do. I had to share. I had to share for all of those who couldn't, for all of those who were about to go through the same journey I have been on, and for those who love someone going through something similar as to what I am going through.

People have to know how hard it is and for those who are going through something difficult - they have to know that they aren't alone. If God can use me to do those things then it is worth it to me to go through such struggles. So, to have someone classify this as "abusive or spammy" was tough for me.

I have moved past that (and got it worked out with Facebook). I just realized that it was the enemy trying to keep me from doing what I do and we all know that it isn't going to stop me from writing. It is too much of who I am. I would be lost without this form of expression.

So, now on to the rest of my day... we do what we call a "circle prayer" at dinner time. We join hands and each person at the table prays. My children love this.

For the last 11 months I have listened to my children pray for me over and over. "Please God, make my mommy's sickness go away." I tried so hard to protect them from all of this but even at their young ages they knew what was at stake without us even having to tell them.

After my scan on Wednesday, the following day my 6-year-old asked me if I would need any more treatment or if my sickness had gone away. I didn't even realize that he knew I was having a scan done.

Tonight though, it was my 12-year-old. He said that his only prayer was for me to be cancer-free. He prayed so hard and so passionately for me. I know that if I don't get the results that we are hoping for tomorrow that it isn't just going to affect me.... and I think that is the hardest of all. I want them to have their life back too. I want them to have their mom back. I don't want them to have to say these types of prayers anymore. But I have no control over any of that.

Tonight as everyone sleeps - I am still awake. Wondering... and yes, worrying a bit. (I have to be honest.) I remember our former pastor giving a sermon one time and he said that, "worrying is temporary atheism." And he is right. He explained that when we are worrying we are doubting that God is in control. So, each time I start to worry, that pops in my head and it is like being stabbed in the heart. I love God so much and I know He has got this. He has gone before me and is with me now. It is not God that I doubt. It is me. Can I really do this? Can I really go through more treatment if I have to?....

The answer is yes. All you have to do is look at the top of this page and see those four beautiful faces. That is all the inspiration I need. I will do what I need to do. I will fight until my last breath. No matter what tomorrow brings - it will not mean defeat. There will be victory as God will be glorified no matter what.

So, tonight there is a great deal of prayer in my future and once again - like I have done a thousand times before - I will be surrendering it all.

Thank you for reading. I bet you had no idea that you would be reading something so offensive that it would be banned from Facebook because we all know what kind of things can appear on Facebook. I know, I am such a trouble-maker. ;-)

Blessings,
Andrea

Tomorrow: Test Result Day

As I hold my sleeping daughter, I am experiencing all kinds of emotions about tomorrow. Tomorrow will decide a lot of things. Tomorrow will mean that I either get my life back and can once again establish a normal routine for living or I will continue on as a patient with more treatment. I am obviously routing for the first option.

In the meantime, I have been spending as much time with my husband and children as possible. One thing that I have realized through all of this is that so many times we focus on a certain event in time - whether it is the wedding day, the due date, the birthday,..... or the test result day..... whatever it is... we focus on that day so much that we miss all of the joy in the days leading up to that moment. For the past 11 months I have been very deliberate in not doing this.

If I would have spent the last two months worrying about tomorrow - I would have missed so many incredible moments. I would have just been existing and not really living.

So, tomorrow can go one of two ways and I have done my best to prepare my heart for both. I know some of you will think that my preparing for either result may be a reflection of a lack of faith. However, this is not a faith issue at all. I have faith in God and that has never wavered. It is just about being realistic.

Of course I have hope that God has healed me through the treatment I have already received. I hope that with all my heart. But I am also realistic that God may not have that in store for me just yet and I need to be obedient in whatever he calls me to do. And I will. 


In the meantime I dream of a joy that I have never experienced before. A cancer-free joy. For until you walk through the valley you can never experience the joy of the mountain top.

Blessings and love to all who read this.

Andrea