Why I Believe in God - A Miracle

Periodically I am asked why I believe it God.
Sometimes this question comes from people that are searching for their own beliefs.
Sometimes this questions comes from people who are steadfast in their belief that there is no God.
Regardless of who is asking the question, I always have the same answer.

How can I not?

For what God has done in my life there is no way that I cannot believe in Him.
And that is just me personally.
That does not even come close to describing what I have seen Him do in other lives.

Sure I face criticism for my beliefs.
I had someone tell me that it was natural for me to believe what I do when I have gone through something like I have (meaning the cancer) because it is the human tendency to try to cling to something that could possibly give me the outcome that I desired.
Um... okay...
One important note though - I believed in God before I was diagnosed too....

Anyway, I am not here to debate my belief.
People are entitled to their beliefs just as I am entitled to mine.
But I do want to share one of the many many ways I have seen God in my life.

Jason and I have actually had people ask us, even our Christian friends, how we can believe in Jesus after what we have gone through... the cancer... the multiple miscarriages... and other things that we won't get into.

Again, our answer... how can we not?

One way I saw God's provisions... God's miracle... was actually through my cancer.

What some of you may not know is that I found my first cancer symptom when my daughter was just 2 weeks old.
It was not there before and then suddenly the day she was 2 weeks old I found what I would later learn was a tumor in my neck.

Why is this a miracle?
Some people may say it is the opposite....

Because I didn't find that tumor during my pregnancy.
Can you even fathom the timing of it all?
I STILL struggle with the magnitude of how powerful this is in my life.

I am pregnant with my daughter.
A pregnancy that I white knuckled the entire time because of the loss of our son the year before...
But I am able to go through my entire pregnancy with the cancer growing in my body and still deliver this healthy baby girl.
Then 2 weeks later I find my first cancer symptom.

I see women all of the time that have been diagnosed with cancer during their pregnancies and then have to make those critical decisions.
I was actually there once myself but that is a story for another blog post.
But I cannot imagine having to make those decisions being pregnant with her after we had endured such a loss just one year, one month, and ten days before she was born.
I know God knew that I could not take that.
And he spared me from it.

I am also grateful that he allowed me to carry her full-term and that she was perfectly healthy despite the cancer growing inside me at the very same time.
A miracle.
My miracle.
One of many.

But God is not a God of just miracles.
He is a God of the everyday things.
Each day I walk it out with Him and each day I know how lost I would be without Him.
And I am grateful.
Grateful for it all.

I know that this may not seem like a big deal to some but it is a huge deal to me.
And to my last breath on this earth I will rejoice for the gifts that He has given me.
2 weeks.
He gave me 2 weeks.
And it made all the difference for this mamma.
And one very special baby girl.

[13]

13.
It seems so much bigger than 12.
Another milestone.
Another bitter/sweet moment.

My oldest boy turned 13 this last month.
And although I am a little late with this post.
I still wanted to take a minute to reflect on my boy young man.

He is just a sweet kid.
We are so blessed.

He is smart.
Funny.
He loves God.
And just loves life.

I cannot imagine my life without him.
And boy, has he been through some stuff.

When he was born he couldn't breath on his own.
It took them 6 hours to get a breathing tube in him.
During that time he stopped breathing countless times.
Each time he would fight back in order to stay in this world.
For that, I am beyond words grateful.

He was little.
Only 5 pounds 15 ounces.
But his strength was indescribable.
To this day.
13 years later.
I am still left in awe.

He has shown me so much about myself.
About being a mom.
About being strong.
How you keep fighting.
No matter what.

He has had 6 surgeries.
A trach for the first 14 months of his life.
Countless doctors appointments.
Therapy of every kind.
He has been misdiagnosed 5 different times.
Yet, he presses on.
No matter what.
And if you look at him now you would never guess that he has had to endure so much.
He is just so solid.

Until now I have never really talked about this openly.
Not because I am ashamed.
I am actually the opposite.
Not because it was hard.
It was hard but God did so much through it.
But because I never wanted it to define who he was.
Not as a boy and not as the man he is growing into.
I never wanted people to expect any less of him because they knew he had some challenges in the beginning.
I wanted that God given internal strength to shine through no matter what.
And it does.




I will never forget the day he was born.
After taking hours to stabilize him they took him to another hospital that had a NICU.
I had to stay behind.
It was one of the hardest nights of my life.
I just wanted to hold my boy and I couldn't.

It was about 11pm.
His doctor called from the NICU.
He told me that he was stabilized and doing okay.
But that is when he said it.
He said, "This boy is going to be a smart one."
He said he could see it in his eyes.
How right that man was.

He is brilliant.
Wise beyond his years.
And he truly loves to learn.

I am so excited to see how God uses him.
Right now he thinks he may want to be a historian.
A professor somewhere perhaps.
Perhaps a biblical historian.

Whatever he does.
I know he is going to be amazing.
Because he already is amazing.
Each day I thank the Lord for him.
And celebrate these bitter/sweet moments.

Each day he is one step closer to heading out on his own to truly embrace what God has for him.
For that I am so excited.
I am so excited for him.
But I know it will be hard when he is not under the same roof.
It is all just bitter/sweet.

For today I will cherish.
As I know tomorrow will come sooner than I want it to.
And then tomorrow I will rejoice.
For I know I was deliberate in the way I cherished today.

She Makes My Heart Skip a Beat....

This girl...
Wow.
Sometimes there are just no words.





I can't come close to describing my love for her.
My daughter.

I really never thought I would have a girl.
I wasn't even sure if I wanted one.

I was afraid.
Afraid I wouldn't be the right kind of mom for her.
I still do fear that....sometimes.






I was a boys mom.
I was in a groove.
Then God rocked my world.
And gave me this precious baby girl.

Our life hasn't been the same since.
And what I think gets me most...
Is how close we came to not having her.






I have shared openly about our many miscarriages.
And how we lost our little boy 11 months and 10 days before my girl was born.

We came so close to giving up.
To throwing in the towel.
We almost let the fear rule our hearts.
And not try again.





We prayed.
God answered.




She is our thing of beauty in this sometimes dark world.
She keeps us going.
And she definitely keeps us on our toes.

Thank.You.God.

Farewell July - You Will Be Missed!

I can't believe that we are already through July.
Over halfway through 2012.
Over halfway through the summer.

It seems like you just blink and the days are gone.

July was good for us.
July was good for me.

July marked the first month I have had any energy at all since my diagnosis 18 months ago.
July marked our Independence Day as a nation.
But Independence Day also marked 6 months of remission for me.

July marked my 33rd birthday.
A birthday I feel so blessed to have been here for.
The day after my birthday also marked my one year anniversary since my last chemo treatment. 

July also meant family trips to the lake and carload nights at the drive-in.
Good times on a budget - my favorite.

July meant rain, which our state so desperately needed.
And watching my boys play in it without a care in the world.

July meant service and sacrifice as my hubby and oldest set out on a mission trip.

Sadly, July also meant tragedy in the state I call home.
First with the wildfires in Colorado Springs.
Then with the Aurora shooting.
Our hearts continually go out to all those who have been affected.

July meant memories and lots of them.

I am grateful for this July and more importantly, the blessing that God provided in it for my family.
I am continually humbled by his goodness and grace in my life.

~{***}~

I hope your July was just as good as mine was. If you get a minute, drop me a note and let me know about your month.

Blessings,
Andrea

Fall in Love with Your Life

I have been on a sabbatical from the blog lately and honestly it was because I have just been so exhausted. But we were able to sneak away (more about that later) and just get some rest. It was awesome. And it is funny because when you finally get some good rest the fog kind of lifts from your brain and then the creative juices start to flow properly again. At least for me they do.

There have been many things on my heart to share for the past few months - I just didn’t have the energy to do so. So, I thought I would just start there….

The other day I was looking through some archives on a blog I read regularly. It was just one line. There was nothing else – maybe a picture but there were no other words. It said:

Fall in love with your life.

It just stopped me in my tracks because for some reason I had never thought of it that way. I then asked myself the question – am I truly in love with my life? (We’ll get to my answer later.) But I started thinking of all the messages we receive today. That we can’t be happy if we don’t earn a certain income, have a certain house, certain hobbies, friends or even a certain number of kids. But what if all that is stripped away? Are you still going to love your life?

My answer, even after facing all that Jason and I have faced together, is yes. I simply adore the life I have been given. Although I would have not signed up for each and every thing that has happened, I have witnessed firsthand the goodness of God all the way through. This is the life He has given me and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Praying that you too are in love with the life God has given you.

Blessings,

Andrea

The Blessing of Friends

I am blessed to be married to my very best friend. I know that sadly not everyone can say that and so it makes me cherish this relationship even more. There is no one else I would rather spend my time with than my husband. He is the one that knows me inside and out and the one person that I can always be completely honest with and I know he will never judge me or stop loving me. I thank God for him and our relationship each and every day.

However, there are times when you need other friends too. The past few weeks have been filled with one heart breaking situation after another. It seems like there were only a couple of days in there that we didn't get a call due to another crisis. I can't even begin to tell you all of the issues we were dealing with (and by "we" I mean mostly Jason and my very small supporting roll). But I could see the toll that these issues were taking on my husband. He loves the kids that he works with so much that it literally breaks his heart to see them hurting and going through such hard things. Normally he handles these things really well - far better than I ever could that is for sure. But when there are so many things happening at once it is hard for even him to bounce back over and over again.

Yesterday was his day off and I remember asking him how long it was going to be before we would "get him back". By that I mean that his mind could truly be in the moment and not off thinking of the many different problems he is dealing with. Don't get me wrong, I hurt for these situations too but for me to continue to press on during the week without my husband I really need to have some time with my husband on his day off.

I knew he was trying really hard but I also knew that this situation needed some extra help. So, I reached out to one of his friends and I asked if he would take my hubby shooting. For those of you who don't know J he LOVES to shoot. He shot competition for a number of years and it is a huge release for him. His friend was more than willing to take him and so that is what they did for 2 hours yesterday - they had "man time". Did they talk about the issues that J has been dealing with - no. They probably didn't even talk much at all knowing them. But that isn't what J needed.

Isn't it funny how different guys are from girls. Us girls have to talk about EVERYTHING. Process. Process. Process. Guys - not so much.

Anyway, I am so thankful for the blessing of good friends in our life. For the people we can call in a moments notice and know that they will be there for us. They are truly gifts from God and we treasure each and every one of you.

{I thank my God every time I remember you.} 

Philippians 1:3

How Quickly We Forget...

I had my scan on Monday, some of you knew that and some of you didn't because of my lack of blogging lately. If this one comes back clear then I can get my port out. For those of you who don't know what a port is, you can go here and read more about it. This was actually inserted in my chest 1 year and 5 days ago and God willing within the next month I will have it out.

Of all of the stuff I have gone through, the port has been one of the most irritating. I know... sounds weird since I went through chemo and radiation to complain about such a small thing (and no, I should not be complaining at all) but my daughter has no concept of the discomfort she can cause when she crawls all over me and puts her full pressure on "the port". You want to see me instantly go to my knees and cry like a little girl - she can definitely make me go there in a second. Okay, I don't REALLY cry, its like a whimper. I don't want you all to think I am going soft or anything like that. :-)

Anyway, as I went for my scan and they injected me with the junk that supposedly makes me glow on the inside, I was instantly reminded of my "patient days" and how crummy it makes you feel. After the scan and then lunch to celebrate my FIL's bday, I came home and slept for several hours. Again, I was reminded of how much this stuff takes it out of me.

Then, another thought occurred to me (you know I couldn't just leave it there) - how quickly I forgot what it was like to be that full-time patient and how that is such a blessing. It is a lot like child birth. God obviously gave me a very short term memory there because we have 4 and 3 were in less than 5 years. Maybe that isn't short term memory and just craziness - who really knows. Just kidding. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Anyway, I just found myself becoming even more grateful that God has allowed me to forget the discomfort of treatment so quickly. It is truly a gift.

Anyway, I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone else out there. Maybe, just maybe, you too have experienced God's grace in this way before as well.

Blessings,
Andrea

Beware of the {Joy} Robbers!

I feel like I am pretty joyful in my life. After all, I have a lot to be joyful about. Hey, I woke up this morning - it is a good day! :-) That is pretty much my perspective after what I just went through.
But, I am a mom of four kids - five if your count Jason. (Just kidding - kind of.) So sometimes I just feel like the joyful juice just seems to run out. Anyone with me? Probably not - I am sure I am the ONLY person who goes through this.

Right now I have the "pre-teen". Don't get me wrong - my "pre-teen" is a really good kid. We are so very blessed to have him for a son and I know that my issues with him are really pretty mild compared to what a lot of parents deal with. After all, my husband is a youth pastor so we are aware. I will just leave it at that.

Our issues with Cale are like - stop reading so much. I'm serious. The child would read 24 hours a day if he could and I love the fact that he loves to read so much. But there are other things in life that must happen. Like showers and eating. We do get the occasional "pre-teen" attitude from time-to-time but most of the time he is an excellent kid.

Then I have the 6 year old, the 4 year old, and the 19 month old. That is where things start to get a little busier.... (understatement)

Most of the time things are what they are. We go with the flow. Not life or death obviously. But then there are these moments... I call them the "joy robbers". For example, every time we go to leave our home I feel like there is an invasion of the "joy robbers". I will get Kearyn (19 months) ready to go and go to find the 4 year old. I will look over every square inch of the house to only find him a half an hour later hiding in a cupboard that only a mouse could fit into. (Small exaggeration but you know what I mean.)

Then, I turn around to find the the 19 month old has completely undressed herself - tights, dress, hair bow, and yes, even the diaper from time-to-time, completely gone!

That is when I feel it. My blood pressure goes up a notch. I just want to sit down bury my head in my hands and tell them that mommy doesn't want to play this game anymore... stop hiding in cupboards and keep your close on. Please! And that is only 2 of the 4 children I have.

However, as I have recently felt the "joy robber" invasion I have decided to do things differently. It is basically the equivalent of "stop-drop-and roll" - you know what the firemen told us to do as a kid... Well, mine is STOP - THINK - CHOOSE. (Hey, I have to keep it simple or I will never remember it. Then  my blood pressure would go up another notch for not remembering.)

I stop whatever it is that I am doing in that moment. (Even if it is being curled up in the fetal position and crying in the corner.) I think about what it is happening. Someone is trying to rob my joy in this moment. Then I make a different choice. I choose to see the joy in that moment and I choose to keep my joy. I refuse to let the "joy robbers" steal it from me.

Sometimes I just have to laugh at the moment. Or I find something to be grateful for in that moment - like the fact that my 4 year old son is so creative that he even thought of that cupboard as a hiding place. Or that my daughter is even here with me in this moment at all. When I fill my thoughts and my heart with gratefulness my perspective changes almost instantly. The blood pressure goes down and I can resume whatever it is that I am doing with joy in my heart.

How are the "joy robbers" treating you lately?


The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~ John 10:10

Road to Recover: Step 2 {FASTING!}

Today we started our fast. By "we" I mean Jason and yours truly. Here's the short story...

I went on a fast about 2 weeks after I finished chemo. After about 5 days I got a lot of my energy back. Not all of it of course but I at least could go for walks and stuff. It was really nice after feeling so bad for so long.

I had these blister things on my fingers that I started to get about half way through my chemo treatments. They were awful. They hurt so bad and then they would itch too. I couldn't even turn the key to start the car without it hurting. But after about a week and a half of being on this fast all of those went away. Also, all of the numbness in my finger tips from the chemo went away.

Anyway, for just having gone through 12 rounds of chemo, I felt pretty good. But then they told me I had to have radiation. And one of the side effects of the fast is that you will lose weight (not complaining) but when you go through radiation you can't lose any weight so I had to stop the fast.

So, after having the radiation I have not been able to recover since - which is not abnormal. It is just that hard on you. I am tired all of the time. I wake up tired.

For example, today Jason and I went to the store. I had to chase Kearyn twice and Jason said he could tell I was "done for". Don't get me wrong - I am not telling you all of this because I want you to feel sorry for me. It is what it is and I am grateful for life. Period. However, I feel that it is important to document what I am going through so that people can have compassion towards others going through something similar.

The biggest thing I hear is that I "look fine." Well, I have said it many times - my insides don't match my outside. And how often does this happen in life. Everything looks fine on the outside and then we find out something and we are like, "Wow, I never knew. They looked totally fine on the outside." It doesn't even have anything to do with cancer. I think this has been a sharp reminder to me that I can never take that for granted in another person ever again.

We are all broken in some way. We are all dealing with something and sometimes we just need someone to understand and not take for granted that we look like everything is as it should be on the outside.

Being in this situation has forced me to be honest in a way that I struggle with. The "I'm doing fine," line just doesn't cut it. I have had to guard myself in a way that has required a brutal honesty on my part and then I pray that the person that I am telling listens. This has given me such a compassion for what others are going through - a lesson that I am glad I am learning, even if it is hard on me to learn it.

Back to the fast... I knew that I needed to go back to it but it isn't the easiest thing I have ever done. So, I have been praying for the strength and conviction to do it. That is when my hubby stepped forward and said he would do it with me and for this I am so grateful!

So, we started today. It is basically no white flour, no white rice, and no sugar of any kind. No big deal. ;-) The white rice and the white flour really isn't a big deal. But there is sugar in everything. Even you season salt has sugar in it. Then we can only eat chicken or fish. :-) There are also some supplements that you take as well, like lots of vitamin B, etc.

I know I need to do this. I cannot remain this tired for the next several months like they are telling me is the norm. I have a husband that wants his wife back and four children that want their mom back. I know that if I do what I need to on my part that God will bless me with the strength and energy that I need to be the type of wife and mother HE wants me to be.

I will keep you posted on how it goes...

I am a Superstar!

One of the things I missed so very much when I was going through my treatment was actually cooking for my family. I had a wonderful network of friends that totally stepped into our lives and made sure my family had meal after meal covered for us. It was overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time and I will be forever grateful.

However, after 6 months of chemo every other week, I can tell that I really did miss cooking for my family. So, now that my treatment is behind me - I have just submerged myself back into being a wife and a mother  - and it. feels. wonderful!

Tonight I made homemade pizza which is one of my boys' all-time fav's. I make the crust from scratch and the whole nine yards. Part of the process of my baking and cooking is that my boys always help me. I think that is probably what I missed most about the cooking thing. It doesn't matter what I am making I will eventually hear the sound of my dining room chairs being brought in the kitchen. Before long, I will have all of them in there with me and I do my very best to come up with "jobs" that each of my boys can do. It never bothers me to have them in there with me - and I don't even mind the mess. :-)

It has always been my determination that by the time my boys leave home that they will be able to proficiently cook for themselves. I also feel like I will make some young lady extremely happy someday when she chooses to marry one of my sons to find out that he indeed knows his way around the kitchen. Back to the pizza....

So, tonight I made individual pan pizzas and they each got to create their own. They were loving it as they always do. My hubby asked the boys if they liked their pizza and they literally started hooping and hollering like they were at a rock concert. It was so funny - I started to laugh but then it got really funny.... my oldest, out of the blue, yells out, "She looked at me!" He sounded just like someone at some concert or event where the star actually looks at some fan in the audience. We all started laughing so hard because it was just so random and so funny all at the same time.

I was so grateful for the moment and I realized that I am a superstar - at least I am in my own home. Despite all my imperfections and shortcomings as a wife and a mother there are still four little people and one big person that looks at me and loves me just for who I am - their wife and mother. I am grateful for all that I have and I am grateful to be that "superstar" (even if it IS just over pizza) of my home because there is truly nowhere else I would rather be.

A Month of Kearyn.....Day 3

What can you say about a little girl that I never thought I would have. I continually hear comments like "you finally got your girl" or "your dream finally came true". Neither of these statements are accurate. Jason and I did not just keep trying until we finally had a girl and I didn't lay awake at night dreaming about what it would be like to FINALLY have a little girl. I really didn't think about this at all to be honest with you. I personally think if I would have just laid around lamenting about not having a girl I would have been doing a huge injustice to my boys. God blessed me 3 wonderful boys and I celebrate that every day.

You see, I knew I always wanted four children. That had been laid on my heart long ago by the big guy upstairs. Beyond that I didn't care if I had 4 boys or 4 girls or 2 boys and 2 girls or any other combination that you can fit in there. I just wanted 4 children and I trusted God's wisdom to give me what He - and only He - knew our family needed. There is also another factor that contributed to this as well.....we have lost 5 babies due to miscarriage. After my first loss I stopped caring about whether or not I would have a boy or a girl and the desire to simply have a baby cradled in my arms only compounded with each and ever loss.

Am I glad God gave me a girl? I think the more appropriate response would be that I am grateful that God gave me Kearyn. He gave us the exact baby that needed to be in our family and she happens to be a girl. It is so amazing to think of how He so thoughtfully pieced our family together - it was like a puzzle and each of my children provided a key piece to that puzzle. Without one of them - the puzzle wouldn't be complete but together they have created a beautiful masterpiece - a reflection of Christ.

{Andrea & Kearyn ~ 5 weeks old}

A Month of Kearyn.....Day 1

It is hard to believe that my baby girl is going to be ONE this month. On May 31, 2010 God blessed us with the sweetest and most precious baby girl that I could have ever asked for. She has changed each of us in such a significant way that it is painful to look back and even think of life without her. There was definitely a place in my heart that only she could fill and it was God's infinite wisdom who knew that and it was because of His divine love for us that he gave her to us to fill that void in our lives making our family complete. 

I have watched her with each of her brothers with awe and wonder. She has given them gifts that will bless not only each of them as individuals but also their future wives and children. She has taught them patients and a new kind of love. My rough and tough boys actually had to learn how to be gentle. A certain chivalry has come about each of them as they literally protect their baby sister at all cost. These are just a few things that I will talk about this month. Stay tuned to learn more about our baby girl and to help us celebrate our precious Kearyn.