Yesterday and today mark very sad days for us. 3 years ago yesterday we found out that our little boy no longer had a heartbeat and as much as I prayed for a miracle it was not my miracle to be had. 3 years ago today marks the one an only time I got to hold him before I had to say goodbye.
This year is very different for me and I feel like I am grieving in a whole new way. 1 year after we lost our little boy I was a month and 10 days away from delivering my baby girl. Her pregnancy was filled with anxiety for me as I was so afraid something was going to happen to her as well. I spent many days in almost constant prayer in order to deal with my anxiety. So when one year rolled around it was as if I was white knuckling it - afraid to let myself feel the full impact of the sadness in fear that it might hurt my baby girl. I know that probably does not make any sense but it was where I was at the time.
Last year, year 2, was equally complicated and hard. I actually had to have my 6th chemo treatment. I can tell you that the last thing I wanted to do on this day was go through chemo. Going through chemo always took so much focus for me. It took a great deal of positive thinking as well and how can you think positively when you are grieving? It was also the day that I received the news that I would not be receiving the 8 treatments like we had thought. No, instead I would now need 12. This just compounded my grief for the day to say the least.
Today though, it is different. In a way I am grateful because I can just feel sad for my boy. I am grateful because it isn't so complicated. I can think of him and just cry my tears. Sure, I still have to be mom to my other four and we even have a baseball game that we will go to and we will cheer our 2nd son on with all of our hearts. But I am just thankful for an easier year where the grief isn't so complicated and hard.
I would just like to take a moment and remember all of the babies that have been lost due to miscarriage. Having lost 5 myself I know the pain and heartache that goes along with this type of loss all too well.
Everyone handles the grief differently. For me the pain was always very deep and long. I watched others who seemed to handle it much better than I. The important thing to remember is that grieving is a very personal thing and a miscarriage is still a loss no matter how far along you were. It still hurts.
Blessings to those who have experienced a loss of any kind. May God shower you abundantly with love and mercy.
Follow Me...
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Happy Birthday Baby Boy
Two years ago today was the day that I delivered our 4th baby boy. The day before we found out that he no longer had a heartbeat. I ended up going into labor at home much earlier than the doctor expected and it went so fast that I did not make it to the hospital in time to have him.
He was so tiny that he fit into one hand from fingers to palm and was perfectly formed. I held him as long as I could before I had to say goodbye. His daddy took him from me, carefully wrapped him up, and that was the last that I saw of him until I finally see him in Heaven again someday.
We named him John Andrew Gressman. John is after Jason's grandpa and Andrew is after me. My heart continues to ache for him.
I was telling my nurse yesterday about him and I made mention that I know he is in Heaven and I know people think I should just let it go now and move on. Her answer: "It is completely natural for a mother to love her baby." So, I am no longer going to try to justify my grief. The babies I have lost in the past will forever be etched on my heart. Because of my love for them - they will never be forgotten.
Today is a tough one. I don't feel well at all from my chemo yesterday and in a few hours I will get a shot that will make me sleep for the next few days. Thank you for allowing me to share this about my baby boy now and allowing me to honor him in this little way.
He was so tiny that he fit into one hand from fingers to palm and was perfectly formed. I held him as long as I could before I had to say goodbye. His daddy took him from me, carefully wrapped him up, and that was the last that I saw of him until I finally see him in Heaven again someday.
We named him John Andrew Gressman. John is after Jason's grandpa and Andrew is after me. My heart continues to ache for him.
I was telling my nurse yesterday about him and I made mention that I know he is in Heaven and I know people think I should just let it go now and move on. Her answer: "It is completely natural for a mother to love her baby." So, I am no longer going to try to justify my grief. The babies I have lost in the past will forever be etched on my heart. Because of my love for them - they will never be forgotten.
Today is a tough one. I don't feel well at all from my chemo yesterday and in a few hours I will get a shot that will make me sleep for the next few days. Thank you for allowing me to share this about my baby boy now and allowing me to honor him in this little way.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Grief
So, I brought it up a couple of posts ago and then again in my last post - I am desperately struggling to prepare myself mentally for this next treatment. It takes so much prayer and positive thinking to get me through each of these treatments and the fact that I can't do that right now is going to make it very difficult for me to get through this one.
April 20, 2009 Jason and I made the trip to the doctor's office for my monthly check-up to only find out that our baby boy no longer had a heartbeat. I can tell you that day was one of the worst days of my life - definitely comparable to the day I was diagnosed with Lymphoma.
I was well past the first trimester, well past the stage where I had lost my other babies, well past the stage of worry. I had truly let my guard down and I was truly devastated. I will never forget that moment - staring at an ultrasound screen where there should have been a heartbeat, yet there wasn't one.
I remember talking to God at that moment telling Him that I knew He could restart my baby boy's heart. I remember asking Him, then begging Him through the silent sobs of my heart, and then finally telling Him that I would love Him even if He didn't start my baby's heart again. Those were some of the hardest words I have ever said to my Father in Heaven. Ironically, nearly two years later my dear husband said those same words to God about me. "If you take my wife - I will love you anyway."
I can tell you personally that these are words that I never thought I could say in a moment like that but it was in that moment that I knew I had to the most. I just felt like there was a fork in the road before me and I had to make a choice to either let that moment separate me from God or allow God to draw me in closer to Him. By telling Him that I would love Him no matter what I was confirming that I intended to stay on the path that lead to God and nowhere else. As I think back to that moment I think that was probably the easy part - the choice. Living it out was much harder.
I won't get into the whole story now - honestly thinking about it really is too upsetting even two years later. The memory that floods back the most is the one and only time that I got to hold my son. I still relive that moment over and over again and it still hurts deeply. I can see his little toes and his little fingers. I can see his blue eyes....
Who knew that two years later I would be having my sixth chemo treatment on the same day. How do I prepare my heart to get through the chemo when my heart is experiencing so much sadness for our loss? It seems impossible to do both but I must find a way. I know some would say that I need to look at all I have to be grateful for - and I do. I see my husband and my four children and I thank God profusely for them but that doesn't mean that I can forget about my son or the other babies that I have lost either. I remember and grieve for each of them on their own special days - I have just never had to face chemo on one of those days as well.
I guess I am writing about this for several reasons. First, it is what I do - write. Second, I can desperately use the prayers. Third, I never know when something I am experiencing or have experienced is going to touch someone else's life. Just maybe this is one of those situations.
April 20, 2009 Jason and I made the trip to the doctor's office for my monthly check-up to only find out that our baby boy no longer had a heartbeat. I can tell you that day was one of the worst days of my life - definitely comparable to the day I was diagnosed with Lymphoma.
I was well past the first trimester, well past the stage where I had lost my other babies, well past the stage of worry. I had truly let my guard down and I was truly devastated. I will never forget that moment - staring at an ultrasound screen where there should have been a heartbeat, yet there wasn't one.
I remember talking to God at that moment telling Him that I knew He could restart my baby boy's heart. I remember asking Him, then begging Him through the silent sobs of my heart, and then finally telling Him that I would love Him even if He didn't start my baby's heart again. Those were some of the hardest words I have ever said to my Father in Heaven. Ironically, nearly two years later my dear husband said those same words to God about me. "If you take my wife - I will love you anyway."
I can tell you personally that these are words that I never thought I could say in a moment like that but it was in that moment that I knew I had to the most. I just felt like there was a fork in the road before me and I had to make a choice to either let that moment separate me from God or allow God to draw me in closer to Him. By telling Him that I would love Him no matter what I was confirming that I intended to stay on the path that lead to God and nowhere else. As I think back to that moment I think that was probably the easy part - the choice. Living it out was much harder.
I won't get into the whole story now - honestly thinking about it really is too upsetting even two years later. The memory that floods back the most is the one and only time that I got to hold my son. I still relive that moment over and over again and it still hurts deeply. I can see his little toes and his little fingers. I can see his blue eyes....
Who knew that two years later I would be having my sixth chemo treatment on the same day. How do I prepare my heart to get through the chemo when my heart is experiencing so much sadness for our loss? It seems impossible to do both but I must find a way. I know some would say that I need to look at all I have to be grateful for - and I do. I see my husband and my four children and I thank God profusely for them but that doesn't mean that I can forget about my son or the other babies that I have lost either. I remember and grieve for each of them on their own special days - I have just never had to face chemo on one of those days as well.
I guess I am writing about this for several reasons. First, it is what I do - write. Second, I can desperately use the prayers. Third, I never know when something I am experiencing or have experienced is going to touch someone else's life. Just maybe this is one of those situations.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Kearyn's Story....Part 1
Most of our friends and family know the struggles that we have gone through having our four children. I have not hid the fact that we have lost 5 babies due to miscarriage and the pain that we have experienced through those losses. Many of you were there when we lost our little boy last year half way through my pregnancy and witnessed and even experienced some of the heartache that we went through. Many of you may be asking yourself at this very moment what this has to do with Kearyn as this is suppose to be her story. A story of joy and laughter not one of such heartache. My answer to you....everything.
I am often asked why we didn't give up on having our children. Why we didn't stop trying after our second, third or fourth miscarriage. My answer....God didn't let me. I tried to give up, I really did. There was a point where I said that I could not take anymore heartache and that I was done. I remember having that very conversation with Jason, my husband, as if it were yesterday. I told him that we were very blessed to have ours son, Cale, and that he would probably be the most spoiled child on the planet but he was our blessing and I was going to cherish every minute that I could with him. A few months later I surprisingly found out I was expecting Ky, our second son. Twenty-two months after Ky was born we had Creide, our third son.
When I found out I was expecting our fourth son in February 2009 our heads were spinning a little but we had a great deal of joy in our hearts. When we lost him my world was rocked to say the least. I found myself in such a dark place of grief and sadness. A despair that I had never known before. I had let my guard down. We were well past the first trimester. I had allowed myself to fall deeply in love with this baby and then so suddenly he was gone....
To make things even worse I had physical complications that went along with the loss and it was the only time in my life where I truly wondered if I was going to make it. I remember praying to God over and over that he keep me here for my boys. God was faithful and kept me here for my boys. It took me four months to recover physically but much longer to recover emotionally. (I am not sure if that is a journey that I will ever actually complete to be honest with you.)
Then there was that whisper I began to hear once again. A whisper from deep in my heart. A promise that God had placed there years and years before. A promise that I would have four children. As we read in Isaiah 7 about the promise of the birth of Jesus it was like He wrote his promise to me to have my four children just as clearly in my heart. I just kept feeling this tug to try again, try again, try again. But every time I would talk to my husband about this he was not so agreeable. You see, he was the one that had to scoop me up that night and rush me to the hospital. He was the one left waiting in the waiting room as they took me back to the operating room. As I was put under he was very much awake. He not only lost his baby that night but he had so nearly lost his wife as well and he did not want to risk that again.
But as time went on God spoke into his heart as well and he agreed to try one more time. That was only the beginning of this journey. The beginning of this story. Kearyn's story.....
Stay tuned for Part 2 of our precious baby girl's story....
I am often asked why we didn't give up on having our children. Why we didn't stop trying after our second, third or fourth miscarriage. My answer....God didn't let me. I tried to give up, I really did. There was a point where I said that I could not take anymore heartache and that I was done. I remember having that very conversation with Jason, my husband, as if it were yesterday. I told him that we were very blessed to have ours son, Cale, and that he would probably be the most spoiled child on the planet but he was our blessing and I was going to cherish every minute that I could with him. A few months later I surprisingly found out I was expecting Ky, our second son. Twenty-two months after Ky was born we had Creide, our third son.
When I found out I was expecting our fourth son in February 2009 our heads were spinning a little but we had a great deal of joy in our hearts. When we lost him my world was rocked to say the least. I found myself in such a dark place of grief and sadness. A despair that I had never known before. I had let my guard down. We were well past the first trimester. I had allowed myself to fall deeply in love with this baby and then so suddenly he was gone....
To make things even worse I had physical complications that went along with the loss and it was the only time in my life where I truly wondered if I was going to make it. I remember praying to God over and over that he keep me here for my boys. God was faithful and kept me here for my boys. It took me four months to recover physically but much longer to recover emotionally. (I am not sure if that is a journey that I will ever actually complete to be honest with you.)
Then there was that whisper I began to hear once again. A whisper from deep in my heart. A promise that God had placed there years and years before. A promise that I would have four children. As we read in Isaiah 7 about the promise of the birth of Jesus it was like He wrote his promise to me to have my four children just as clearly in my heart. I just kept feeling this tug to try again, try again, try again. But every time I would talk to my husband about this he was not so agreeable. You see, he was the one that had to scoop me up that night and rush me to the hospital. He was the one left waiting in the waiting room as they took me back to the operating room. As I was put under he was very much awake. He not only lost his baby that night but he had so nearly lost his wife as well and he did not want to risk that again.
But as time went on God spoke into his heart as well and he agreed to try one more time. That was only the beginning of this journey. The beginning of this story. Kearyn's story.....
Stay tuned for Part 2 of our precious baby girl's story....
Kearyn Jaedance Gressman
May 31, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day - October 15, 2010
October 15, 2010 marked the annual Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was asked by a dear sweet lady to participate in this event by sharing my story and some of my poetry that I wrote at the first candlelight ceremony held in our community in honor of this event. This is something that I felt and still feel very called to do. This experience was completely overwhelming for me and truly humbling. I am so thankful for the opportunity that I was given.
My husband and I have experienced a tremendous amount of heartache in this area of our lives and it is my heart to reach out and be there for others that may be walking through something like this themselves. I have lost 5 babies due to miscarriage. I know all too well the heartache that goes along with this. How you feel like your hopes and dreams are being shattered and the helplessness you feel because there is nothing you can do to stop it. I know what it feels like to want to give up, to finally give up, and then...somehow....someway you find the strength to go on. You find the courage to walk by faith once again. I know what it is like to not understand why and ask the question, "Why me?"
I look back now and often wonder how I got through it. It was definitely not on my own that is for sure. Then I think of that wonderful poem, "Footprints in the Sand" and I realize that this was truly when God was carrying me.
My heart goes out to all of those who have walked or may be walking through something like this now. I pray for you all continually. It is my prayer that you never give up hope and continually seek our Heavenly Father. God bless you all and the little ones that are no longer with us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)