The End of 2011...

With the end of 2011 happening in 6 minutes and my husband already asleep beside me  - it felt appropriate to write one last blog for 2011. I haven't written in a few weeks which is a great frustration for me. I had such high hopes for December..... {sigh}

The truth is that I am struggling daily with fatigue. I know most of you will say that I look "fine" on the outside but I can honestly say that my outsides evidently don't match my insides. Really, I feel like that has been the way it has been for this entire year. I also think that people are just being nice because I have seen pictures of myself when I was going through treatment and they were frightening.

Anyway, when I have a normal day of just taking care of my kids I do okay. But when I start adding things, that is when caution has to come in. It is like I get one extracurricular activity every 3-4 days and then it takes me the next 3-4 days to recover.

I know this is completely "normal" after all my body has been put through but just because it is normal doesn't mean that I have to be happy about it. I want to be back to normal so badly but it just doesn't matter how much I will my body to get there - it definitely has a mind of its own. 

They tell me that it will take at least as long as my treatment took for me to feel okay again. 10 months. Yuck. I don't have time to wait 10 months. Well, once again, this is evidently not on my time table. (You think I would be use to this by now.)

So, each day I have to take each and every item that I want to complete into consideration. I cannot just plow through things like I once did. It is frustrating.... but I do have to admit that there is a valuable lesson in this. (When I figure it out I will share it with you all... just kidding.)

I too am having to learn how to have grace for myself. I seem to overflow with grace for others but when it comes to myself... it just seems to be a different story. (I am just overflowing with life lessons lately aren't I.) 

So, with literally one minute to go before I ring in the new year with some farewell words to 2011 - I have to quickly say that I know 2011 will be a year I will never forget for obvious reasons. I would love to say that I will forever remember 2011 for..... {insert 10 lovely events here}... however that is most likely not going to be realistic. Most likely I am going to forever look back on 2011 and say that it was the year I battled cancer.

Here is hoping and praying that 2012 will be the year that I get my life back.

Happy New Year everyone. May it overflow with love, peace, and blessings from above.

~Andrea

Keeping {Christ} in Christmas.... {idea.2}

As I shared earlier {here}, I absolutely love Christmas. I love the gift giving and the decorations - but it is so important for me to remember the "reason of the season" and even more important that I pass this down to my children. I wanted to share some ideas that I either use in my own family or ideas that I plan to use. Here is another idea...

{idea.2}

[the.nativity]

                                                                                    Source: Uploaded by user via Andrea on Pinterest

I love nativities. Even before I really had a relationship with Christ - I still loved nativities. Evidently that was just another way that God was tugging at my heart strings.

I think a nativity is a wonderful reminder of what Christmas is about. It doesn't matter what one looks like or how often I see one -  I just can't help but to imagine that holy night in my mind. I think of how Mary must have felt and how Joseph must have felt. It takes me back to when each of my children were born. How wonderful each of those precious moments were... How much joy Mary must have had and then to know that she just gave birth to the savior! Wow!

There are so many different nativities out there and I wanted to share a few that I found...

I love the simplicity of this one...

Source: learning-to-b-me.blogspot.com via Andrea on Pinterest

I love this super sweet ornament. This would totally fit in with my theme this year and would be a great way to recycle a pretty Christmas card for next year.

Source: ipic.su via Andrea on Pinterest

For those who don't have room for a traditional nativity scene on the mantel - how about a sign. Love this combination of colors.

Source: eighteen25.blogspot.com via Andrea on Pinterest

How about an outdoor sign? What a great way to spread the message of Jesus' love for all to see.

Source: makeandtake.blogspot.com via Andrea on Pinterest

Another sign.

Source: poppiesatplay.blogspot.com via Andrea on Pinterest

Can't resist the black and red combo.

Source: makeit-loveit.com via Andrea on Pinterest

Check out this card... cute enough to frame...

Source: tinyprints.com via Andrea on Pinterest

{inspired'11}... Day 12

{inspired'11}

day.12


l
{Describe one person you look up to and why you look up to them.}
l

Previous writing prompts are listed below:

day.1
day.2
day.3
day.4
day.5
day.6
day.7 & 8
day.9
day.10
day.11

14 Days & 21 Days From Today.... {Prayer Request}

I have enjoyed the last 6 weeks tremendously. Really, there are no words to describe my enjoyment. I have only had one doctor's appointment in that time and no treatments of any kind. It has been spectacular.

For the month of November I did very little. I basically hung out with my kids and my hubby as much as possible and just really enjoyed the normalcy of life again. I cleaned a lot too. Oh, and cooked. I really like cooking. I also had to established a "new normal" which I will talk about in a later post.

But today, it hit me.... my next PET scan is 14 days from today and then 7 days after that I will get the results. I started feeling those butterflies in my stomach. I started having that feeling of uncertainty in my heart. The "what if's" start creeping in my mind. And yes, since I am being truly honest here... even fear.

The fear of the cancer not really being gone. The fear of having to go back into treatment again - can I really endure any more? The fear, the fear, the fear.

I have heard from a few different people that fear means False Evidence Appearing Real. Well, 99% of the time I agree with that statement but when you are dealing with something like cancer I think it becomes different. Or at least it is different for me right now where I am at.

You see, I haven't received that clean slate yet. I haven't been given the good news that I am all clear. We are still in the "hoping" stage. I have also been down this road before. In August after I had finished all of my chemo and went in for my scan.... they fully anticipated me being clear then.... but I wasn't. Again, they are fully anticipating me being clear now... but...that is when the "what if's" creep in.

I struggle greatly with staying grounded enough to face reality. My reality. The reality of my situation. But also clinging to the hope and even allowing myself to dream a bit. To dream of the elation I will feel when I hear those words... the cancer is gone. It. Is. Finished. Do I dare let myself dream? Do I dare let my mind hope such a big hope. Yes, I believe all things are possible. I have faith that God can heal me if that is his plan. But it seems so much harder to pick yourself up off the floor when you have let yourself dream so big - doesn't it? But by guarding my heart am I having true faith?

But... that is also where God meets me and is meeting me this very moment as I write this. The fact remains that even if I don't get the news that I want he will still be right here with me. The fact remains that if I do have to go in for more treatment... I'm going to do it. I have too many reasons to keep pressing on. The fact remains that he will give me the strength I need when I need it.

I remember having a conversation with another lady who had been battling cancer for many years - her boys are young too. And she made the comment that we won't ever give up because we are moms. Even if we are getting sick non-stop (okay, so she said puking - let's not sugar coat things here) that we would press on for our kids. She is right. I will press in whatever my reality will be in 21 days. But until then - I will continue to hope and maybe even allow myself to dream a bit.

God bless you all in this wonderful season. If you wouldn't mind saying an extra prayer or two over the next few weeks for me and, of course, my family I would greatly appreciate it.

Blessings and Love,
Andrea

{inspired'11}... Day 11

{inspired'11}

day.11


l
{Do you have more grace for others than you do for yourself? Do you need to have more grace for others? Do you need to have more grace for yourself?}
l

Previous writing prompts are listed below:

day.1
day.2
day.3
day.4
day.5
day.6
day.7 & 8
day.9
day.10

{inspired'11}... Day 10

{inspired'11}

day.10


l
{What is your favorite Christmas tradition and why? Are there any new traditions you have started this year or want to start this year? If you haven't started it yet - what is stopping you?}
l

Previous writing prompts are listed below:

day.1
day.2
day.3
day.4
day.5
day.6
day.7 & 8
day.9

{inspired'11}... Day 9

{inspired'11}

day.9


l
{If you could be any superhero of your choosing.... which one would you be and why?}
l

Previous writing prompts are listed below:

day.1
day.2
day.3
day.4
day.5
day.6
day.7 & 8

{inspired'11}... Day 7 & 8

{inspired'11}

day.7 & 8


l
{day.7}
{Pick one word that describes 2011 for you.}

{day.8}
{Pick one word that you want to describe 2012.}
l

Previous writing prompts are listed below:

day.1
day.2
day.3
day.4
day.5
day.6

{inspired'11}... Day 6

{inspired'11}

day.6


l
{  What is one goal you have for 2012 and how do you plan to achieve it? Was there a goal that you had for 2011 that you were able to achieve?}
l

Previous writing prompts are listed below:

day.1
day.2
day.3
day.4
day.5

{inspired'11}... Day 5

{inspired'11}

day.5


l
If you had to pick one way to inspire someone else this next year – what would you do and who would you chose to inspire?}
l

Previous writing prompts are listed below:

day.1
day.2
day.3
day.4

Keeping {Christ} in Christmas.... {idea.1}

I love Christmas. And I mean I REALLY LOVE Christmas and I always have. I love buying/making/giving gifts to my friends and family who do so much for my family throughout the year. I love giving to those who are less fortunate. All-in-all, I just love giving. 

I love trying to come up with the perfect gift that combines functionality and enjoyment or creating a special keepsake that the recipient will hopefully treasure. I also enjoy the challenge of doing all of this on a budget. It is definitely a fill for me that is for sure. 

Each year though, as my Christian faith continues to grow, I find myself wanting to challenge myself (and my family) in another area that is even more important than any gift that I could possibly give. I find myself trying to find more creative, meaningful, and powerful ways to keep Christ in Christmas. 

It is so easy to get caught up in the hub-bub of it all - just trying to get everyone checked off the list and make sure we attend all of the major functions that we are obligated to attend that sometimes these things seem more like a burden than anything else and the real meaning of Christmas is not at the forefront of our thoughts as it should be. 

So, I decided to start this series. Ideas on how our family is keeping the "reason for the season" front and center. Check back for additional ideas as the month goes on. If you have a suggestion - by all means pass it on. I would love to hear about the different traditions your family takes part in each year. 

{idea.1} 

Read the Christmas Story and the Birth of Jesus

It doesn't matter how many times I read about this in the bible.... I am still left in awe and the only thing better is sharing this with my children. For our family, we always start with the very basics and there isn't anything much more basic than how we all got here to begin with. 

Here are a couple of links for quick reference...

Mary finds out she is expecting Jesus.

The birth of Jesus foretold.

The Birth of Jesus

Matthew 2:1-12

I hope each of you are having a very blessed Christmas season so far. :-)

~Andrea

{inspired'11}... Day 4

{inspired'11}

day.4

l {What is your favorite Christmas memory and why is it your favorite?} l
Previous writing prompts are listed below:

day.1
day.2
day.3

{inspired'11}: Day 3 - One Thing I Have Always Wanted to Do....

{inspired'11}

day.3


{Prompt Response}

l {What is one thing you have always wanted to do but haven't?} l

To be honest this was a very difficult question for me to answer. You see, if I were to die tomorrow (God forbid) there wouldn’t be anything that I would say, “Boy, I wish I would have really gone here or I wish I would have really done this…” That just doesn’t go through my mind right now.

Sure, I would like to do more traveling – but I have already been blessed with some great travel opportunities. Sure, I would someday like to take an art class with one of my children just for the heck of it but that isn’t a “deal breaker” in life for me.

For me, it isn’t about the “thing” I am doing - it is about the “someone(s)” I am doing it with, the time I get to spend with them, and the memories that I get to create. So, to be very honest, it doesn’t matter if we are curled up for a movie or learning underwater basket weaving – it is just good and that is what my heart desires.  

To see my previous responses check below:

day.1

day.2

{inspired'11}... Day 3

{inspired'11}

day.3

l {What is one thing you have always wanted to do but haven't?} l

{inspired'11}: Day 2 - What is my highlight of 2011?

{inspired'11}


day.2

{My Prompt Response}


l {What was the highlight of your 2011 and why was it so great?} l

I am not going to lie…. 2011 has been a very hard year for our family. I think I can comfortably say that it has been the hardest year in fact. However, on a rainy day it is impossible to miss the rainbow that God so beautifully displays for us all to see. It serves as a constant reminder of his promise that indeed everything will be okay.

As I battled this year for the most basic thing….to live…. I too could not miss the MANY rainbows that God placed before me. To pick just one highlight for 2011 would be impossible. I think that 2011, in fact, was the highlight itself - perhaps the highlight of my entire existence here on earth thus far.

The ministry that God personally completed in my own heart was astounding. I find myself more focused than ever. I find myself knowing exactly what God has called me to do. I find myself with a certainty of what my purpose is in this world. I find myself with sheer and defining convictions that are no longer muddied by the world’s expectations.

I also watched amazing things happen within my family. I watched my boys bond to an even greater level. I watched them mature and grow in their own faith. I had the privilege of a front row seat as God extended their wisdom, grace, and love. I watched how they helped take care of one another and how they doddled over their baby sister. I guarantee there is no greater joy in this mother’s heart than to witness these changes in her own children.

Yes, things were so hard. They were beyond words hard. I remember telling Jason that I could really imagine what dying felt like because I hurt that bad. I am beyond grateful to God for giving me the will to live for without that I would have given up long ago.

I remember feeling such elated joy as I finished chemo and then even more so upon finishing radiation. It was like I could finally exhale the breath I had been holding for 9 months and say – It. Is. Finished. I also quickly realized that I would have never felt that ecstatic joy if I wouldn’t have gone through the trial itself.

What was your highlight of 2011?

You can post your comments below (even anonymously) or you can email them to me at andreagressman (at) gmail.com  

To view the other {inspired'11} prompts check below:

day.1

{inspired'11}... Day 2

{inspired'11}

day.2

l {What was the highlight of your 2011 and why was it so great?} l


To learn more about what {inspired'11} is go here.

What NOT to Do #1: Don't Tell Someone to Slap Their Child...[Yes, this happened to me!]

This little blog post has been rolling around in my head for a couple of days because I honestly didn't know how to approach it. So, I decided to start a series of what NOT to do. As things come up in life - I will add to it.

Yes, this really happened to me.... Someone told me I should slap my 18-month-old daughter. A complete stranger. In public. To me, that is wrong on SO many levels but before I get to all of that I will give you the situation. :-)

We were having a birthday lunch for Jason (yes, it made it even worse because it was a celebration) and Kearyn was getting restless. So, like most 18-month-old's do (or I guess I should say at least my kids do) she throws a fit. Now I will be honest - she let out a scream and Jason and I were mortified.

1. We are not used to these girl screams. I mean, come on! They come close to being at the level where only dogs can hear!
2. We expect our children to behave (obviously as all parents do) and so this stage of the game -when your kids are learning what is expected of them - is always a bit stressful for us.

You see, Jason and I are not pro-tantrum. We are actually anti-tantrum. We work really hard to get our kids through this stage as quickly as possible and I think we have had a bit of success with our methods. Let's examine: 2 out of the 4 children we have no longer throw fits at all (success!) and our youngest son gets dramatic every once and a while but we do what we did with our other two - we correct him - and these situations are happening less and less (partial success with an optimistic future!).

So, my baby girl lets out a scream and I hear this "Oh My ____" from the next table. It is important to note at this time that there was a partition that separated us from this table and I could hear this lady over my daughters high octave screech.

Jason and I are continuing to try to address the situation - first telling her "no-no, we don't act like this", etc., etc. I then hear it....

Lady: You need to just smack that child!
Me: (Biting tongue.)
Lady: It is hard for me to believe children act like that since I raised 2 of my own.
Me: (Still biting tongue, sitting on hands, eye-lid twitching, rocking back and forth.)

At this point the lady keeps sputtering on and Jason finally says, "Is she talking about us?"

Me: Yeppppp!

Kearyn is quiet by this point but this lady is not. I can no longer stand it... so I say something. I know, I know... all of my friends and mentors who are reading this are cringing right now saying "No Andrea, No!" But when you have a conflict with someone you are suppose to go to them, right? So, I went to her.  Here is a rundown of the conversation...

Me: Excuse me... I just wanted to apologize for my daughter making so much noise and disturbing your lunch.
Lady: Yeah, don't you know that there are actually other people in the restaurant.
Me: Yes ma'am we are but she is only 18-months-old and we are doing our best to teach her how to behave. But I am just going to tell you that I am not going to smack my daughter. I just don't believe in that.
Lady: (Deer-in-headlights look) Oh, well I wouldn't expect you to do that.
Me: Really? Well, I thought I heard you tell me that I should smack her.
Lady: Well, I just meant that is what I would have done if my children would have ever acted that way - which they didn't. Well, maybe once.
Me: Really? Wow! Because all 4 of my children have acted this way at one time.
Lady: You have four children....???? (Note shock in her voice.)
Me: Yes, the other three are sitting over here too, you probably haven't heard a peep out of them have you.
Lady: (She says nothing).
Me: Well, I just wanted to apologize for the disruption and I hope you enjoy the remainder of your lunch.
Lady: (After I sit back down.) Well, that was rude.
Lady's grown daughter who had been sitting next to her the whole time: No it wasn't.

So, why do I have such issue with this....

1.) I am the parent. I am dealing with the situation. It wasn't like we had just let her scream for 10 minutes straight. We were addressing it. It is already stressful enough for the parent - why make it worse!

2.) Why would a complete stranger feel like they can speak into my life on this level. Discipline is a very personal thing that couples have to put a great deal of prayer and thought into. So do you really think I am going to take the advise of someone I don't even know who is yelling this advise over a partition in a restaurant  Um.... no!

3.) Even if I did believe in smacking my child (Note - there is a difference between smacking and spanking. I am not talking about whether I agree with spanking or not.) that would have only made the situation 5000 times worse!

I am usually a super patient person. But when it comes to my kids - obviously the mama bear comes out. It is my pet peeve when other people discipline my children. Don't get me wrong, if I am not there and they are about ready to run into the road, by all means - tell them to stay out of the road! But then come tell me and then my husband and I will address it.

It really bugs me when I am starting to correct my child and someone jumps in and corrects them over the top of me. I want to say so badly - I am handling it and your are not helping!

It bothers me even more if they do this to my husband. My husband is supposed to be the leader of our family. When someone steps in like that they are undermining the paradigm that God has established for us. My children see this and this could potentially affect the way my 3 sons lead their households or how my daughter allows her husband to lead her household.

Anyway, I just had to share this story. Hopefully you had a good laugh and just in case you didn't know.... Don't tell someone to slap their child.  ;-)




 

{inspired'11}: Day 1 - 30 Days to Live....

{inspired'11}

day.1


{My Prompt Response}

I remember, (Wow! It was actually 10 months ago from today!) when I was first diagnosed that the thought that I was going to die in the near future was very real to me. So, as I think about this question - if I only had 30 days to live, how would I spend it? - I would most likely do the very same things that I did when I was first diagnosed with cancer – only even more deliberate.

I remember that it was very difficult for those who were closest to me to see me plan for the worst. Many would tell me that I needed to be optimistic - they would reassure me time and time again that I was going to be fine - they would tell me to keep my faith. It wasn't that I was not optimistic - that I didn't believe with all my heart that I was going to be fine - or that I didn't have faith…. What was going through my mind at that time was that you never know what is going to happen. I wanted to hope for the best but be prepared just in case.  

I am sure that nearly everyone else out there that is diagnosed with one form of cancer or another (or any other potentially life-threatening disease) do not actually believe that they are going to die. But the fact remains, that sadly some of them do. I knew that even though I hoped and prayed to the very core of my soul that it wouldn't be me - it could be…. I also knew that if it were me - I had a duty and a responsibility to my husband and my children to leave as much of "me" behind as I possibly could. 

The first thing I started doing was writing on {here} as much as possible. I wanted my children to know my voice and if I wasn’t going to be here so they could verbally hear me then at least they would have my written word. I wanted them to know my journey – even the struggles. I wanted them to know how hard I fought for them to stay here as long as I possibly could. How I didn’t go easily. I wanted them to know my love for them and their daddy. How it was an honor to be Jason’s wife and Cale, Ky, Creide, and Kearyn’s mama.

Most importantly – I wanted them to know how much I love God. Despite it all – I love the Lord with all my heart and I wanted them to know that I wasn’t angry at Him, I didn’t blame Him, all I had was love. Even though I had cancer and was going through the hardest time of my life – I knew God was right there with me and without Him I wouldn’t have any of it…. Not even the good things that I cherish so much.

The next thing I did was have our family pictures taken. My friend, Jess (you can see her work {here}), graciously agreed to take them for us and I will truly be forever grateful for her heart of willingness. She did an amazing job and was able to truly capture the personality of our family. I will treasure those memories forever. 

It was important for me to have these done right away. I didn’t want them done 6 months down the road with my hair gone and me looking awful because of the months of drugs that had been pumped into my body. I wanted my husband and my children to remember me as healthy as they possibly could.

When the pictures were taken I had actually already gone through one chemo treatment. I remember the thought of cancelling went through my mind because I didn’t feel very well at all but I am so grateful that I didn’t.

Another thing that I did was I arranged a potluck and invited all of our friends and family. I knew that the next few months were going to be tough and that I wouldn’t be able to see them very much. I wanted one last time where we could get together and celebrate life together.

If I knew that I only had 30 days to live… after I did all of the things listed above I would spend every second possible with my husband and my children. I would ask my husband to take off as much time from work as possible and I would create as many memories as I could with them. I would document everything – both in writing and with photos. I would write letters to each of them and make sure that I was right with God….

How would you spend your last 30 days?

You can post your comments below (even anonymously) or you can email them to me at andreagressman (at) gmail.com  

This is a {prompt-response} for the {inspired'11} series I am doing for the month of December. If you would like to participate, check back daily for the writing prompt. It is as simple as that! 

{inspired'11}... Day 1

{inspired'11}

day.1

l {If you only had 30 days to live, how would you spend it?} l

If 

Something Totally {New} & a Little Bit {Crazy}!....{inspired'11}

It is absolutely remarkable. A miracle if you will. But for the last year I have felt so totally and completely inspired. Yes, even going through cancer treatment. I have wanted to do SO much. There are literally projects upon projects saved in my email inbox, on my hard drive, in my phone, and across my desk. However, for most of it, I sadly have not had the energy (or the time as I was literally a full-time patient). I was barely hanging on to the things that I desperately needed to at the time and even my own blogging took a backseat from time to time. But no more!

I am inspired and I want to inspire. But how, you might ask? Great question! Well, I thought of the one thing that I am continually inspired to do myself. Write. I know there are so many of you out there that are "closet writers" too - like I was for many years. Have no fear - you can remain in the closet if you want to. I will not be asking you to send in your work. I mean, you can if you would like. I would LOVE to read it. But it is not a requirement to participate. 

You also don't technically have to be a "writer" to participate either. Maybe you have always wanted to write but have never had anything to write about. Perhaps you want to photograph your responses.  Maybe you are like my pastor and do what he calls "man-journaling". (What is "man-journaling" you ask?) Well, it is when you journal in bullet points of course!) Maybe you have a weekly coffee with someone and need a good conversation starter - whatever. But I am getting ahead of myself. I haven't even told you what it is yet! So here it goes...

Each day from today (Dec. 2) to Dec. 31 I am going to list a prompt here on my blog. You can then write about the topic, discuss the topic with others, or whatever! Maybe you don't want to do anything with it and you just want to come here and see what crazy ideas I have for 30 days - or if I can even do it for the 30 days. Whatever you want to do is fine with me. :-)

I am calling this... okay, there has VERY little originality here.... {inspired'11}

I, of course, will be writing about each prompt here on my own blog. So, there is going to be lots of writing here going on (at least for me anyway - hopefully you too!) 

Here is what you need to do..... Just check back here everyday and then it is up to you on how you want to go from there. I would love to hear from you if you do decide to participate. You can send me a note at andreagressman (at) gmail.com If you could please put {inspired'11) in the subject line that would be helpful. You can also select "follow" in order to follow my blog and see when things are updated and probably the best way to ensure that you don't miss a prompt - you can subscribe for email updates. :-) If you decide to post your {prompt-responses} on your own blog, please send me the link and I can post them on here as well. 

Anyway, that is it for now! I am so super excited. I hope there are some of you out there who are excited too! Day 1 - here we come! 

~Andrea

Happy Birthday Jason!!!

Today is Jason's birthday. We are so grateful to be able to call this man {husband} and {daddy}. :-)

There are no words to describe the {heart} that this man has. If you know him, you just can't help but to want to know him better. If you don't know him, you don't know what you are missing out on.

For those of you who don't know {our} story.... Jason and I actually went to the same daycare together. I was 7 and he was 8. I remember him doing things like bouncing his little brother off of the trampoline and giving him a bloody nose. But I also remember him doing things like taking the food that his brother didn't like so his little brother wouldn't get in trouble for not eating it. (Hey, that is sweet when your 8 years old.)

I remember him in middle school and junior high - he was SOOO much taller than the other boys - how could you miss him! People ask if we dated in high school. The answer... Jason would have had to talk to me in order for us to date. You see, Jason was one of the shyest people I have ever met. He definitely didn't talk to girls and since I was a girl - he didn't talk to me. Although, there is a lovely story about him having to run a lap on the baseball field because of me. :-) (Jason - you should have been paying attention to your coach instead of the track girls running behind the backstop. :-) You all can ask him about that the next time you see him. LOL!

The truth is, I was actually the one that had to ask Jason on our first date. (The one and only time I ever asked a boy on a date, thank goodness - and he really wasn't a boy anymore, we were in our early 20's.) What can I say - desperate times called for desperate measures. (Remember the shyness thing...I always say that if I would have waited for him to ask me out on a date then our children still would not have been born.) :-) Needless to say, things worked out. ;-)

The one thing that you have to know about J is that he has always been a good person. He has always been a gentleman. You never heard him say high school boy things (yeah, we don't even need to go there) and to all the youth group high school boys that happen to be reading this (yes, the 1) I, of course, know that you would never say anything like what I am referring to. ;-)

Anyway, J is the most amazing husband and I should know because I have thoroughly tested him. This past year he has taken amazing care of me and our children when I could not even take care of myself - let alone 4 kids! When I was going through chemo he had to be both mom and dad and thank goodness my chemo didn't last any longer because he did such an amazing job I think I was about ready to lose my job. :-)

Here are just a few things that I will continually be thankful to Jason for....

Thank you, Jason, for saying yes to that nervous phone call all those many years ago. (Heck no, I didn't ask him in person - I am WAY too chicken for that.)
Thank you, Jason, for choosing me.
Thank you, Jason, for the sacrifices you have made for us.
Thank you, Jason, for putting up with me. (That in itself is a full-time job.)
Thank you, Jason, for taking care of me in sickness and in health.
Thank you, Jason, for taking care of my children when I could not.
Thank you, Jason, for being that type of daddy that you are.
Thank you, Jason, for modeling what a Godly man is supposed to be for my boys and what a Godly husband is supposed to look like for my daughter - even though she is never going to find a man that will live up to your standards... it is still a nice "theory".
Thank you, Jason, for loving us the way you do.
Thank you, Jason, for just being you.

We are so grateful for you each and everyday. As I was looking back through the pictures, so many memories came flooding back. I have loved every minute of our life together (even though there were some moments I didn't like so much - namely chemo and radiation). I would redo every second of it all over again just so I could be with you.

South Dakota days.

Alaska days.

Ky turning {one}.

Coming back from our camping trip. Creide sporting his new hat that the sheriff's deputy gave him because he felt bad for pulling us over - falsely suspecting that we had stole our camper. (This stuff only happens to us :-)

Our special day.

{us}

Thank you for the memories. We love you dearly.

My Boy is Sick Today

Last night our youngest son started getting sick.... and kept getting sick all through the night. He was still sick this morning but seems to feeling a little better now. This morning he said it is the "worst day ever" and I did not blame him one bit.

It is miserable watching your child struggle. I wish I could take it away from him and be sick myself instead. But I couldn't of course. All you can do is hold them, love them, and do your very best to make them feel better.

Praying my boy makes a full and speedy recovery.... 

{Thankfulness}....6 Things I Am Truly {Thankful} For

For those who know me best - you have probably noticed that I have not written about being {thankful} yet, despite it being the theme for this wonderful month. I honestly have been trying... I have started several posts. But I have so many things to be thankful for that it seemed impossible to do this subject any justice.

So, here is a feeble attempt to cover some of the things that I am so thankful for. I know I will not be able to cover it all but it is at least a start...

1. {God.} 

For those of you who are reading this - I have no idea if you believe in God or not. But for me, there is no other way but the way of the Lord. He has blessed me so abundantly - even when I did not deserve it (which is most of the time :-). I would not have survived all that I have in my life if it weren't for His grace, mercy and love.

     2.  {My Husband.} 

One of the greatest blessings that God has given me is the man that I call my husband.  He has seen me at my absolute worst and still loves me anyway. He has continually put himself last time and time again to take care of me, our children, his ministry, and everything else God has called him to do.

There are no words to describe how this man has loved me so well. He has held me when my body has hurt so badly I thought I would crawl out of my skin. He has sat by my side as I have gotten sick time and time again. He has rubbed my feet and hands for hours because he knew it made me feel just a little bit better. My husband has not just loved me with words, he has loved me with is actions, his selflessness and unconditional giving. I am so truly thankful for him each and every day. If I could choose all over again - I would DEFINITELY choose him. :-)

     3.  {My Children.} 

There are no words to describe how much I love my children and how thankful I am for them. I could literally write a book just about my kids. Probably 4 of them - one for each of them. :-) I am overwhelmed that God chose me to be their mother. I am truly honored.

Each of my children are so different and I am thankful for that as well. I love witnessing how uniquely God has made each of them. I love watching their gifts and their talents grow and develop and I can't wait to see how God ends up using each of them.

I am thankful for each day, each hour, each minute, and each second with them. One of the most heartbreaking parts of my diagnosis was not knowing how many of these I would have left. In all honesty - none of us know how much time we have left and I am determined not to squander mine on things that do not matter. My children matter.

 When each of them give me those special hugs throughout the day I find myself squeezing them for another second - soaking up the cherished moment. There is no place I would rather be. :-)

     4.  {Our Family.}

We are very blessed to live so close to so much of our family. They are there in a moments notice. They have definitely filled the gaps these last few months where we fell short. Their love for us is amazing and we are so thankful for it.

They are key fixtures in my children's lives. The time they get to spend with them is truly precious. The things that they learn from each of them and the memories that they are able to create are priceless and I know they will carry them with them for all of their days.

     5.   {My Friends.} 

Wow. Where do I begin? Thank you to my friends who have loved me even when I was unlovable. Thank you to my friends who stood by my side no matter what. Some of you came to my house and scrubbed my floors. Some of you sat there by my side while they injected me with my chemo cocktail. You called and left messages even though you knew I was too weak to return them. You sent emails even though you knew I was too tired to reply. You cooked for my family when I could not. You took care of my children when I had no energy to do so. You listened to me when I complained and felt sorry for myself. You read my blog. :-) You gave me grace. You were my friend even though I couldn't be your friend back. I am SO thankful for you. You are a true treasure. (You know who you are.)

     5.   {Our Church Body.}

There are no words to describe the love and support that our church family and friends have given us. They have stood by our sides through loss and sickness, through broken arms and ER visits. They have met us on this road called life countless times and they have helped us to keep moving forward, closer to the cross all the while growing closer to our Lord Jesus.

     6.    {Our Community.} 

The support we have received from our community has been overwhelming. People that I do not even know personally will stop me and ask me my name. They will then say something like, "I have been praying for you," or "I have been reading your blog." They hear our story from a variety of ways - our family, our friends, friends of friends. They take time out of their lives to follow our journey and truly care and for that I will be forever grateful.

So, I have to tell you this was not an easy one to write. It was very emotional for me to think of these  and try to put into words how I feel about each of them. This is only a small piece of all that I am thankful for and, like I said, I could go on and on but I will spare you from that.

I am thankful for you - all who read this as well. You have allowed me to process all of the emotions and feelings that I could have so easily stuffed down deep somewhere. You have supported me and I am grateful.

Blessings,
Andrea

What's Next with the Cancer Treatment Plan

I have been getting the question...."What's next?" quite a lot lately. I realized that I had not given a "formal" update on what the next steps are for me and my cancer treatment. So here you go...

They do not do any type of testing of any kind for a minimum of two months after radiation.  Evidently they need to make sure that all of the swelling and stuff has gone away or that can make the results come back wonky. (Yes, wonky is a technical term - at least in my world.)

So, my scan is scheduled for December 28th and they will be doing a PET scan then. I then have my doctors' appointments on January 4th where I will meet with both my chemo and radiation oncologists. That is when we are hopeful (and when I say hopeful I really mean HOPEFUL) that I will get a clear report.

If I get a clear report I will then see my main oncologist every 3 months with a scan every 6 months. They will gradually move my check-ups further and further apart as I get clear resutls. If I can hit the 2 year mark without it coming back then my risk factor goes way down - at least for the Hodgkin's. If I can hit 5 years without it coming back then it goes way, way, way down!

If for some unforeseen reason my scan does not come back clear on the 4th of January - I have no idea what will happen. They really don't discuss those types of things with you in advance. Really, there is no point because you would then just worry about it and you don't need that.

How am I doing with it all? FANTASTIC! I am so ecstatic to be done with treatment right now - life truly could not be any better. I am just adoring all of this time that I have with my family and I am soaking up every second of it. I just feel truly blessed.

Some have asked how I am doing with the wait for my results and honestly I don't even think about it. It is what it is and there isn't anything I can do about it - so why worry about it?

I think when you go through stuff like this you just get so use to all of the testing and waiting that you don't pay that much attention to it anymore. You enjoy the times that you aren't in a doctors office or aren't being tested for something so much and you realize that is what is important. It seems pointless to take these precious minutes of life that I have been given and spend them worrying. Life is too short for that.

So, there you have it. I won't find out anything until January 4th. We are praying that God will bless us with a clean bill of health in 2012! (All prayers are welcome!)

Blessings and Love to All!
Andrea

Family Fun: {The Corn Maze & The Pumpkin Patch}

A couple of weeks ago we made a family trip to the corn maze and pumpkin patch. We met up with some good friends and the boys had a ton of fun navigating their way through the 6 mile corn maze.

We then made our way to the pumpkin patch. It was so fun watching the boys select their "perfect" pumpkins. We must have examined nearly every pumpkin there. Ky was especially determined to find "just the right one" which meant that it didn't even have dirt on it. I kept telling him that we could wash any dirt off but he kept at it until he found the one he wanted.

Thank goodness Jason was there to cart our treasures back to the vehicle from clear across the field.

I was just as bad though. I spotted Kearyn's blue pumpkin clear across the field as well and couldn't resist claiming it as our own despite the distance.

I am so thankful for days like this.

Email Subscription is Back!

My email subscription has been down for a couple of months but I am happy to say that I finally got it fixed. (Don't ask me how - some complicated inner workings of cyber world.) :-)

Anyway, for those of you who have already subscribed - you will now receive the email updates once again.

For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about but would like to receive email updates of my blog just look to the left and enter your email address there. Don't forget to confirm your subscription.

For those of you who have already subscribed but have NEVER received an email update - it is because you didn't confirm your subscription. If you need help with that, contact me and we will get it worked out.

Since my email updates have not been going out I thought I would do a recap of the past couple of months just so you can get caught up if you haven't visited in a while.

I did a couple of quick highlights of my favorite September moments. You can read about those:

Favorite September Moments.... {part 1}

&

Favorite September Moments.....{Part 2} 

September was also Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month. You can read that post here:

September: Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month

I found out that I would indeed have to have radiation. You can read all about that as well as the preparation process of that here:

My Cancer Journey is Not Over...

Got My Tattoos & I Am Ready to Go!

The month of October I really cut back on pretty much everything so that I could get through radiation so I only had time for a quick blog about 2 of my boys. You can read that here:

{brotherly love}

In the month of November I have been able to write a bit more and you can read those posts here:

My Silence is Broken!

I am a Superstar!

Now What?

{All the Poor & Powerless}

{rad-i-a-tion} 

It is JUST Plain Hard....

So, that will pretty much catch you up to now. :-) Thank you so much for continuing to follow me on this journey. May you be blessed today and always. 

Blessings,

Andrea

It is JUST Plain Hard....

I was going to write a word of encouragement for a special someone that is going through a difficult time right now and I thought I would just post it here in the hopes that it would help some others as well.

It seems like there are so many people who are struggling right now and it is truly heartbreaking. If I could ease the burden for all of you - I would in a heartbeat,  but the reality is that I know there is very little I can do to make anything better for anyone. All I can do is share the love that God has so abundantly given me and pray for you. Both I will gladly and eagerly do.

I have spent a great deal of time in the "pit" myself. I know what it is like to claw your way out of the "pit" and then run into someone who says something like.... "You should just be grateful that you are in the pit at all". What? Grateful to be in the pit?!? Are you kidding me? All I want to do is to get out of this dark hole that I am in and you are telling me I should be happy to be here? No. Way!

Later, when you are finally out of the "pit", you then can understand what that person was saying. There are so many lessons to be learned in the "pit". There is so much growth that happens in the "pit" but when you are living it, when you are up close and personal to it, it is hard to see the blessings that are taking place.

I have struggled with this myself more times than I can remember. I vividly recall a particular battle of the mind occurring when I was about half way through my chemo treatments. I was struggling in a bad way. I was cranky and that whole "grace and peace" thing was pretty much non-existent in my world. I was at a very low point physically. Mentally and emotionally I was shot. (Not proud of all of the above.)

A friend of mine ended up coming over and told me that I should feel grateful to be getting chemo at all. That started an additional battle of the mind. Was I not grateful? Did people perceive me as not being grateful? That was never my intention at all. I did not want one person to feel like I was not grateful for every morsel of life I was being given. But I was sick and I hurt so badly - there were not words to describe how awful I felt.

Finally, another friend of mine, one who I had actually gone through treatment with for the same type of cancer (she had finished her treatment before I did). Anyway, she always has this perfect timing. She will send me a text or stop by and see me when I am struggling the most. I shared with her my struggles and she gave me true words of wisdom that I ended up clinging to - well, to this very day.

She said, "It's not that you aren't grateful. It is just hard." (I know. She is brilliant isn't she.)

Being grateful for something does not mean that you can't admit that something is hard. So many times we feel like when we are going through hard times we need to radiate this positive attitude and act like that it is all just rainbows and lollipops. (A term that Jason and I like to use a lot.) It is not rainbows and lollipops. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is... well, it is JUST plain hard.

And on the other hand, just because something is hard doesn't mean that we aren't going to receive blessings for it or aren't receiving blessings for it this very moment that we don't even realize.

When you are going through a trial (or are in the "pit" as I like to call it) it is impossible to see the big picture. Actually, we won't see the "big picture" until we finally meet Jesus. But we can't lose faith. In fact, that is the very definition of faith. Believing in what we can't see.

I know for those of you who are struggling this means very little. But perhaps, just perhaps, there is a tiny bread crumb of hope that you can cling to. It's not that you aren't grateful, it is just hard.

Blessings,
Andrea

{rad-i-a-tion}

Tomorrow marks the 3rd week since I have been done with my treatment and I have been tinkering with this blog post for about 2 weeks. I am not quite sure why I haven't finished it by now. Maybe because I was just happy not to be thinking about radiation, treatment in general, and most importantly - cancer.

Whenever you are diagnosed with something like cancer (or really anything major along the same lines) it becomes so much a part of your life - whether you like it or not. It also becomes a part of who you are. It becomes a part of your testimony. But where the true battle comes in is not letting it take over and define who you are.

Yes, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Yes, I went through 6 months of chemotherapy. Yes, I went through a month of radiation. But I am not those things. They are a part of what I have done but they don't define me.

I am certain that there are many of you who can relate to what I am saying. You have these big things that happen to you, they may even change who you are completely, but they don't take over your identity. Or at least you fight like crazy to no let them.

Anyway, I don't quite know why I got off on that little tangent but I will refocus....

October meant a month of radiation for me. 20 treatments to be exact.

Prior to being diagnosed with cancer I was rather clueless as to what most of these treatment terms really meant. Honesty, I had no idea what Hodgkin's Lymphoma (or "Hodgkin's Disease" as so many are use to calling it) really was. Boy, has that changed.

I had heard of  chemo and I knew chemo was not good. EVERYONE knows chemo is not good. But I really had no idea  exactly what chemo entailed. I knew even less about radiation - so I had no idea what to expect. (With the exception of sitting next to a little old lady in a waiting room one time where she informed me that I should be SO grateful that I only had to go through chemo [this was before I knew I had to have radiation] because radiation was SO much worse than chemo. At this point I made up my mind that I never never never wanted to have radiation because if chemo was kicking my tail as badly as it was.... there was no way I could survive radiation. (Hmmm.... this may be the explanation of why I had such issues going into radiation....)

So, obviously I know a lot more about radiation now that I have gone through it myself.

Here is where I always like to include my legal disclaimer..... All cancers are different. Therefore, all cancer treatments are different. And to even complicate things further - we all react differently to our own cancer treatments. So, when I tell you how it was for me that does not mean that it will be this way for the next person. Okay, that is the end of my disclaimer....

I always like to share my experiences - not because I want sympathy for myself - but because I want people to perhaps have a bit more compassion for the next person they encounter that is battling cancer.

I know when any of us hear about someone being diagnosed with the "big C" our hearts always sink. We know the treatment isn't going to be pretty and the road is going to be long and hard but do we really know what the road looks like for them? No. And you aren't going to know from my story either. But you can know what questions to ask. You might just know a little more than you did before and for me, that is what this is all about. Informing one another so that we are better equipped to help one another.

If one person is loved on just a bit more because of what I have gone through - well then it makes it that much better for everyone involved now doesn't it.

So, back to radiation. First of all, I only received a little over half of what someone with say breast cancer would receive. So in that regard, mine was a lot easier. There were several things that concerned me about radiation and I shared many of those on here before. Namely, because of my age, it increases my risk of a secondary cancer. But after spending some time on my knees - okay, let's be honest, a great deal of time on my knees I have surrendered that to God and moved on. Really, what can I do about it? If I can't beat the first cancer, it does me no good to worry about a second one.

However, when I went in to do my "dry run" (yes, they actually do "radiation practice" before they start the real thing) they drew this thing that was the size of Texas on my chest and neck. They had said that it was going to be "spot" radiation. The only place this sucker could have been considered a "spot" is if it was on a horse.

So, again, I had to return to my knees for a great deal of prayer time. Finally I was able to surrender that over to God as well. (Are we picking up on a common theme here? Lots of knee time, lots of surrendering. The story of my life it seems.)

When you go for radiation you have to go everyday (except for weekends). So my treatments took 4 weeks. That was probably the biggest pain of it all. Trying to re-arrange my family's entire schedule just so I could have radiation each day.

At first, I noticed nothing. Then after a few days I began to feel a lump in my throat when I would try to swallow. It wasn't painful - I just had to work a little harder to get the food down. Then it started to really hurt. So, of course when you know it is going to hurt to eat you pretty much lose your appetite. For those of you who are thinking - she should of just cranked up the milk shakes - it hurt to swallow liquids too. Darn it.

However, you cannot lose more than 5 pounds when you are going through radiation or they start to get super cranky at you. Prior to starting radiation they make a mold thingy (I use terms like "thingy" when I don't know what they are really called) that you have to lay in when you get zapped (don't know the technical term here either) and so if you lose weight then you don't fit into your "mold thingy" anymore. Talk about getting stressed out every week when it was "weigh-in day". I ended up losing  6 pounds but they didn't yell at me too much.

It also burns your skin. Mine did not burn too badly. I did break out in blisters about a week or two after I was done. (The side effects of radiation continue to get worse after you are done for a few weeks before they get better - isn't that nice.) But my side effects where no where near what many go through. There was a dear sweet lady that was going through radiation for breast cancer right after me and her skin was literally purple she was burned so bad. It hurt me just looking at her and to this day I still hurt for her.

Finally, there is the fatigue. And that is what I am still dealing with. With the chemo/radiation combo it is going to just take some time for me to be back to my old self again. They guesstimated 6-8 months. So, we will see how it goes.

Sorry this one is so long. Talk to you soon!

Andrea