What is Love?

I was recently on StumbleUpon - another little internet addiction I am developing.
I saw this post where some experts asked little ones to define what love is.
Here are some of my favorite answers:

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." ~ Terri - age 4 

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."  ~ Danny - age 7 

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."  ~Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." 

~ Nikka - age 6 

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." ~ Tommy - age 6  

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." ~ Elaine - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." ~ Chris - age 7 

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." ~ Mark - age 6 

[sorry, this might be TMI but it made me laugh so I had to share.]

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." ~ Jessica - age 8 

What a beautiful pictures these little ones create. 

It is my hearts desire to create the same picture for my own children. 

I am determined that they know how much they are loved and how much their father is loved.

That is why I started this blog. 

That is why I continued as regularly as I could when I was going through treatment. 

I didn't know what was going to happen. 

I couldn't predict the future. 

But I could do something about today.

And I could leave bits and pieces of me. 

Bits and pieces of my love for them to find later on. 

Life is so precious my friends. 

I cannot remember for the life of me where I heard it. 

If you know maybe you can give me a shout so I can update this. 

But the other day I heard something along the lines of:

{It is a privileged to be able to grow old with someone.}

I could not agree more.

Yet so many of us take this for granted.

One final story from this same site:

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. 

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. 

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. 

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 

"Nothing, I just helped him cry." 

To read the full article go to: "What Does Love Mean?" See How 4-8 Year-Old Kids Describe Love"

Being Intentional and Intentionally Being

Being intentional is something I have really been convicted of lately.
And when I say "lately" I really mean the last 20 months.

I thought I was good about this before.
But it has been redefined for me.
For that I am grateful.

None of us know how much time we have here on this earth.
We never know if the words we speak to our spouse, our children, family, and friends will be the last they ever hear from us.
In that light, we need to make them count.
We need to leave a heart impression every chance we get.

We get opportunities every day to make a difference in peoples lives.
Are we taking them?

Are we building relationships?
Are we caring for people the way we need to be?
Or just being too busy.
Or perhaps it doesn't fit into our own "vision".

I continually ask myself these questions.
What will my children remember from today.
What will my husband take away from this moment.

I am not perfect in this.
Far from it.

But in my heart of hearts I know that each of these moments are truly a gift.
They should be celebrated
Soaked up.
Taken in.
Cherished forever.

So, I wanted to share with you one of my "Being Intentional" moments....

I am a thrifter.
I drive my husband nuts.

But I have a few shops that if I ever get a "mommy moment" I will definitely take advantage and see what they have to offer.

I was at one re-use shop the other day and spied a treasure.
Then I spied the price - half price.
A sale at a re-use shop is like "happy birthday to me!"
You can tell I get a bit excited.

So, I found this delightful little tea set.
For.
Wait for it.
$2.50.
Can you believe it?



The special thing about this tea set is that it wasn't super girly.
It is black - about as manly as you can get there.
No handles - so big fingers can't get stuck.
Maybe you can see where I am going with this....

I actually bought it for my husband.
Some of you might be chuckling when you think of my big, broad, 6'4" husband being the proud owner of a tea set.
Okay, maybe that is worth a giggle.
Or two.

But hear me out.

My hubby and I don't drink a lot of coffee.
I only drink it, at the most, once a month.
Not that I don't like it.
So, don't start boycotting me or anything like that.

But sadly, I cannot drink it black.
That yummy vanilla cream is just so good!
However, I don't need it.
I am currently trying to live (and eat) as healthy as possible.
And coffee just sends me in the opposite direction.

So, we drink A LOT of tea.
Unsweetened.
Plain goodness.


I know someone out there will now send me an email about how too much tea isn't good for me either.
But I will tell you what I tell my doctors.
I don't drink coffee, I don't drink soda - please don't take my tea away from me too!


Anyway, back to my tea pot.
Or Jason's tea pot I should say....





We have a special area in our bedroom with a small table and two chairs.
Perfect for your morning coffee tea.
Perfect for a couple to spend a few quiet moments hearing about their schedule for the day.
Perfect for reconnecting.
Perfect for being intentional.

That is why I got the tea set.
To be a visual reminder to always be intentional.

And it works.

We kind of take turns preparing the tea.
The other will come out and see it sitting there and then we will sit.
And talk.
About everything.
About nothing.

Because what matters most is that we are together.
And that we are being intentional.

[the room] - where my world changed forever

While I was at my scan last week I thought it would be interesting to document some of it.
I had never done that before.
I don't know why.
Probably because that was not what I was focusing on at the time.

Why this time was different - I don't know.

However, as I started to take some pictures some things hit me.
Namely, a flood of memories of 2.2.2011.
The day I was diagnosed.

This is the room where we received the news of my diagnosis.

I sat in that very chair that you can see through the door there. 

I will never forget those words.

We think you have lymphoma.

5 words.

19 months and 2 days later I can still hear the doctor saying them as if they just happened yesterday. 

I had not noticed this room before during my other scans.

I guess it was one of those things where I just kept my head down and did what I needed to do. 

This time was different. 

It was strange.

And hard.

Like I had to face some of these things to truly move on. 

Healing. 

Wow.

Just when you think your "good" you realize how far you are from really being "good". 

(Pretty sure I just opened myself up to a flood of comments there. Please, just be kind.) 

Thanks for hanging in there with me and my weird photos and blog posts. 

No one has turned me in yet - so I must still be okay. 

Things are looking up yet! 

:-) 

(Yes, I typically do use sarcasm to mask and deflect my inner most feelings. That's for all my counselor friends out there. You know who you are. :-) 

Coping with Fear

I like to document the tough stuff as I am going through it.
This is not easy as it forces me to be very vulnerable.
However, I feel that this is what God wants me to do.
So, I do it.

First, I want to help others.
And it is so much easier for someone to relate to me if they are reading my words as I am going through something.
Not days or even weeks later as I am trying to remember how I was feeling.
They can say - yeah, I feel exactly the same way.
Or, that is a different perspective.
And maybe even the occasional - wow, she's crazy.
But whatever their reaction, they can see that I am coming from a very real and honest place.
And that is important to me.

Second, this helps me greatly to process what I am going through.
It forces me to look at the real issues behind whatever I am facing.
Deal with them.
Pray about them.
And.
Hopefully.
Experience healing.

Help for others.
Healing for me.
Those are good things and when you deal with cancer you need all the good things your can get.

So, the issue.
I have been dealing with fear lately.
Namely - the fear that the cancer is back.

This is a common fear I know.
Nearly every person that has battled cancer has shared the same fear at one point or another.
This fear also accompanies the fear of dying.
At least for me it does.
I don't want to speak for anyone else.

Honestly, I am just not ready to die.
Pure and simple.
That is as honest as I can be right there.
But I do realize how little control I have over that...

Anyway, I have been dealing with this fear thing.
And I wanted to share how I really cope with it.
What works for me and maybe even what doesn't.
Not sure where this is going really.

I have identified my fear as the fear of the unknown.
I don't know if the cancer is still gone or if it is back.
If it is back, will I die?
Might as well cut to the chase and be brutally honest.
Otherwise, what's the point?

Strangely, I don't fear treatment.
Treatment stinks.
In fact, if I were to ever choose a time to use stronger language that would be entirely inappropriate - this would probably be that time.
But I will refrain.
I know, such a rebel.

But I honestly can go through any treatment that is thrown at me...
As long as I live.
That is my heart right there.

I want to see my babies grow up.
I want to see them graduate.
I want to see them get married.
I want to be a grandma.
I want to have old people problems.
Whatever those are.
I want them.
I want to see my husband's hair turn gray.
I want to hold his wrinkled hand.
I want to have piles and piles of precious memories.
And when I finally get to the end of my days my family can celebrate because I lived enough.
Right now I just don't feel like I have lived enough yet.

Yes, I am crying.
So, if you are crying too then we will just cry together.

I have a few more days before I officially find out my results.
(Wednesday, for those of you who are wondering.)

So, I have a choice.
I can spend those days consumed by fear, crying non-stop.
Thinking of the "what-if's" and "unknowns".
Isolating myself from the world - and maybe even my family.

But, honestly, what good is that going to do?
None.

So, how do I get control of it?
Here is what I do...

For me, I focus on the known.
1.) I just had my blood work done in June and it looked good. There was no cause of concern then.
2.) We were prayerful and thoughtful about my treatment. God gave us a peace about it and I walked it out 100%.
3.) Just because I know people who are going back into treatment does not mean I will have to go back into treatment. Everyone is different. Every case is unique. Each cancer is different.
4.) The cure rate for the cancer I had is very high. Almost the best you can get when it comes to cancer.
5.) Even if the cancer is back that does not automatically mean that I am going to die. (This is a big one here.)
6.) Ultimately God is in control. Whether the cancer is still gone or it is back - God will give me the strength I need to get through it and do what I need to do. 

It is important to realize that because I am struggling with this issue does not mean that I am having a crisis in faith.
I say that because when you are standing on this end and you receive people's reactions - it feels like that is sometimes implied.
I know God's goodness.
Even today.

What this does mean is that I am human.
It does mean that I understand that God's will may be different than my will.
It means that I respect that just because I am a Christian that does not mean that my life is going to be rainbows and lollipops.
I am going to go through hard things.
Life is going to be hard sometimes.
After all, look at what Jesus endured.
Without sin.
He died for our sin.
The ultimate.
If He went through that, what makes me think that I won't have to go through hard things too.
After all, He was the son of God.

Yes, I cling to my faith.
I cling to my hope.
And God gives me the courage.

I pray for peace.
And I know I will find it.
Sometimes it just takes a little time.
And focusing on what I KNOW.

And what I know is...
That God is Good.
All the Time.

Thanks for reading.

My Hubby is Packing - Should I Be Packing Too?

So, we are so very blessed to have a night away for our anniversary.
And I am sitting here blogging while my hubby is packing.
(For himself of course, not for me too or that would be just rude - and strange.)
Anyway, I just couldn't help but to write about this topic.

We are definitely on the opposite side of the packing spectrum.

J is what you would call a "proactive packer".
I am sure he has a list somewhere - laminated.
One for every occasion.

Let's see...
We have the anniversary getaway list.

The very manly, stranded in the wilderness list.

The youth pastor taking your youth group on a retreat list. (This one always seems to include stuff like Mentos and Diet Coke - just in case  you need to blow something up.)

The, I don't really know what might happen, I just need to be prepared for everything list. (He seriously has this list. And he revises it regularly....Not sure of the word I would use to describe that one....)

I am being serious when I say the MAN IS PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING!

Everything is also color coordinated, alphabetized, and calculated according to size, shape, and popularity.

When my 6 year old is feeling down do you know what he and his father do.... They reorganize their survival backpacks. No. I am not kidding. They lay everything out. Talk about their items and then repack them. Evidently this makes everything all better. It totally cracks me up.

I am envious of the "proactive packer" because I am not one.

I am what you would call the "procrastinating packer".
Which means I usually wait until the day I have to leave and go to the closet (or the dryer) and pull  out a whole bunch of stuff - hoping I have enough outfits to accomplish whatever we need to accomplish.

Hey, I am not proud here.
Just being "real".
Can I get an amen.
Seriously.
I am the only one out there who does this?
I feel so alone.

However, I know what my issue is. (No, there is not just one but those are for another day.)
I try to cram too much stuff in right before we leave.
I always have these massive lists to accomplish and, of course, one more blog to write ;-) before we leave.

So, this is something I am promising now that I am going to work on.
I am going to put down the keyboard and walk away.
And I am going to pack something...
Anything!

What kind of packer are you?
Are there other types of packers out there?
Besides Green Bay?
Ha Ha.
Sorry, I thought it was funny.
Maybe not.

life with him.

This is going to be difficult to get through.

I am already crying.

He has a way of bringing that out in me.

Tomorrow is a special day for us.

It is the anniversary of our wedding day.

We have lots of special days.

And he never forgets any of them. 

But I thought I would take a few minutes to reflect upon my life with him. 

Share.

Remember.

{Love.}

Life with him is pure joy.

Sure, we have had our share of trials.

(You have been here for many of them.)

But they have always been things that happened to us - not things between us.

(I hope that makes sense.)

Loving this man is so easy.

I delight in it each day.

And, in turn, I feel so loved by him.

There are no words to describe it. 

I wake up every morning and thank the Lord that he chose me.

Our life has been messy.

4 kids has a tendency to make life interesting anyway. 

But then there was more. 

Multiple job transfers.

Lots of moving. 

Many miscarriages.

Cancer.

And the list can go on and on. 

Anyone of those things could have been enough to take our marriage down.

But instead...

We have drawn closer.

Steadfast.

Unwavering.

And through all of this messiness I believe we have truly achieved the oneness that God speaks of. 

When I was diagnosed the thought of leaving this man was beyond heartbreaking. 

I knew he would make it through it. 

It would be hard - especially with the kids.

But he is strong.

He is faithful.

But I never want him to hurt.

And.

I had made a promise.

I promised him I would grow old with him.

Sure, it was made when we were young and thought we would live 100 years.

But it was still a promise.

Until that moment it never occurred to me that it could be any different. 

Questions would race through my mind.

Did he know how much I really loved him?

Did I love him well enough?

Did I love him enough to get him through the time we would be apart if I did leave this world so soon?

Did I honor him as I have been called to do?

Did I show my children the depth of my love for their father?

Did I model the love of a devoted wife so my daughter would know how to love her husband someday?

Did I receive his love the way I was supposed to so my son's would know how to love their wives someday?

I know these questions may not make sense to some.

Or may seem obsessive. 

But when I thought of not being here much longer I just wanted to make sure I was leaving those that I love with what they needed from me. 

Nothing else mattered. 

Not me. 

Not the pain I went through.

Just them.

Just him.

As we celebrate tomorrow I can honestly say....

There is no place I would rather be.

Next to him.

Loved by him.

Doing this life together. 

Serving One as One.

J - I love you so dearly. I delight in being your wife. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for choosing this. Thank you for raising our children with me. Thank you for being the man you are - for leading our household the way you do. Thank you for always standing firm for what is right and continually shining the light of Jesus for me, our children, and all those around us. In the dark nights you have been my light - reminding me of how much Jesus loves me through your love. Thank you for cherishing me and nourishing me the way you do and for always showering me with the word of the Lord through your words, actions, and love. 

Your loving wife. 

What NOT to Do #1: Don't Tell Someone to Slap Their Child...[Yes, this happened to me!]

This little blog post has been rolling around in my head for a couple of days because I honestly didn't know how to approach it. So, I decided to start a series of what NOT to do. As things come up in life - I will add to it.

Yes, this really happened to me.... Someone told me I should slap my 18-month-old daughter. A complete stranger. In public. To me, that is wrong on SO many levels but before I get to all of that I will give you the situation. :-)

We were having a birthday lunch for Jason (yes, it made it even worse because it was a celebration) and Kearyn was getting restless. So, like most 18-month-old's do (or I guess I should say at least my kids do) she throws a fit. Now I will be honest - she let out a scream and Jason and I were mortified.

1. We are not used to these girl screams. I mean, come on! They come close to being at the level where only dogs can hear!
2. We expect our children to behave (obviously as all parents do) and so this stage of the game -when your kids are learning what is expected of them - is always a bit stressful for us.

You see, Jason and I are not pro-tantrum. We are actually anti-tantrum. We work really hard to get our kids through this stage as quickly as possible and I think we have had a bit of success with our methods. Let's examine: 2 out of the 4 children we have no longer throw fits at all (success!) and our youngest son gets dramatic every once and a while but we do what we did with our other two - we correct him - and these situations are happening less and less (partial success with an optimistic future!).

So, my baby girl lets out a scream and I hear this "Oh My ____" from the next table. It is important to note at this time that there was a partition that separated us from this table and I could hear this lady over my daughters high octave screech.

Jason and I are continuing to try to address the situation - first telling her "no-no, we don't act like this", etc., etc. I then hear it....

Lady: You need to just smack that child!
Me: (Biting tongue.)
Lady: It is hard for me to believe children act like that since I raised 2 of my own.
Me: (Still biting tongue, sitting on hands, eye-lid twitching, rocking back and forth.)

At this point the lady keeps sputtering on and Jason finally says, "Is she talking about us?"

Me: Yeppppp!

Kearyn is quiet by this point but this lady is not. I can no longer stand it... so I say something. I know, I know... all of my friends and mentors who are reading this are cringing right now saying "No Andrea, No!" But when you have a conflict with someone you are suppose to go to them, right? So, I went to her.  Here is a rundown of the conversation...

Me: Excuse me... I just wanted to apologize for my daughter making so much noise and disturbing your lunch.
Lady: Yeah, don't you know that there are actually other people in the restaurant.
Me: Yes ma'am we are but she is only 18-months-old and we are doing our best to teach her how to behave. But I am just going to tell you that I am not going to smack my daughter. I just don't believe in that.
Lady: (Deer-in-headlights look) Oh, well I wouldn't expect you to do that.
Me: Really? Well, I thought I heard you tell me that I should smack her.
Lady: Well, I just meant that is what I would have done if my children would have ever acted that way - which they didn't. Well, maybe once.
Me: Really? Wow! Because all 4 of my children have acted this way at one time.
Lady: You have four children....???? (Note shock in her voice.)
Me: Yes, the other three are sitting over here too, you probably haven't heard a peep out of them have you.
Lady: (She says nothing).
Me: Well, I just wanted to apologize for the disruption and I hope you enjoy the remainder of your lunch.
Lady: (After I sit back down.) Well, that was rude.
Lady's grown daughter who had been sitting next to her the whole time: No it wasn't.

So, why do I have such issue with this....

1.) I am the parent. I am dealing with the situation. It wasn't like we had just let her scream for 10 minutes straight. We were addressing it. It is already stressful enough for the parent - why make it worse!

2.) Why would a complete stranger feel like they can speak into my life on this level. Discipline is a very personal thing that couples have to put a great deal of prayer and thought into. So do you really think I am going to take the advise of someone I don't even know who is yelling this advise over a partition in a restaurant  Um.... no!

3.) Even if I did believe in smacking my child (Note - there is a difference between smacking and spanking. I am not talking about whether I agree with spanking or not.) that would have only made the situation 5000 times worse!

I am usually a super patient person. But when it comes to my kids - obviously the mama bear comes out. It is my pet peeve when other people discipline my children. Don't get me wrong, if I am not there and they are about ready to run into the road, by all means - tell them to stay out of the road! But then come tell me and then my husband and I will address it.

It really bugs me when I am starting to correct my child and someone jumps in and corrects them over the top of me. I want to say so badly - I am handling it and your are not helping!

It bothers me even more if they do this to my husband. My husband is supposed to be the leader of our family. When someone steps in like that they are undermining the paradigm that God has established for us. My children see this and this could potentially affect the way my 3 sons lead their households or how my daughter allows her husband to lead her household.

Anyway, I just had to share this story. Hopefully you had a good laugh and just in case you didn't know.... Don't tell someone to slap their child.  ;-)




 

Waiting & Praying

I know I am dreadfully behind on my blogging. All I can say is "sorry" to you all who look forward to reading it each day. My mind and my heart have been elsewhere for a while - not because I didn't want to be here but I just couldn't be here.

I couldn't figure out why I didn't want to write anything over the past week or so. At first I just chalked it up to the fact that I had a couple of rough treatments and I was just beyond exhausted. But it wasn't until today that I realized the real reason why. It was because I felt like my cancer was now running my life.

Each of my days are defined by how the cancer is making me feel. They are defined by treatments and medications, doctors appointments - they are defined by the dread of what comes next. This is not what life should be defined by. It should only be defined by God and God alone.

I feel like I have done my very best to see God's wisdom in it all, to trust Him, and to feel His peace. But suddenly all the lines became blurred. I started to feel like the "cancer" had taken over my life and I didn't like it at all. I don't like being sick and tired all of the time. I don't like that my husband and my kids don't like it - I think that is the worst part. I know they are so tired of this and they want their wife and mom back.

I know that things can never go back to the way they were before - I don't want them too. I have learned to much, I have gone too far to just suddenly wish it all away. But I do desire the simple things. I have said before that I don't ever feel I have taken my children for granted - Jason and I have lost too much to ever let that happen. But I did take for granted my role in their lives. This is something I will never do again.

I just had to get away from it for a little while. (At least in my mind.) I had to focus on some other things. Fortunately God has provided me with some great research opportunities that have allowed me to focus on something besides the cancer. And through that reprieve that God provided I was able to refocus on what I really needed to be focused on all along - God.

Today I had my PET Scan. The stuff they gave me knocked me down a bit which is really unfortunate because this is suppose to be my "good week" but I am glad we are to this stage of the game. Now we are just waiting and praying for the results. I am praying that the cancer is gone and that I am in remission. I am praying that I don't need that many more treatments. I would like it to be no more treatments to be really honest with you but I am preparing myself in case that is not my reality. I remind myself that the doctor said originally that I would have to go through 8-12 treatments. I mentally prepared myself for 12 treatments at that time. Anything less than 12 is a miracle.

Blessing to you all,
~Andrea

Being Real and Really Being

One of the things God has really called me to be on this blog is be AUTHENTIC. I feel like when I have a bad day, He wants me to tell you I have had a bad day -  don't sugar coat it, don't pretend, don't act like I don't have any problems.Don't tell everyone everything is rainbows and sunshine and then close my blinds and fall apart as long as no one is looking. I have cancer for goodness sake, there is just a new REALITY here that I must face. 


In turn, when I am REJOICING for the simplest thing - He wants me to share that too. He wants me to tell you that I am GRATEFUL to just be alive, to take this very breath and I don't care if I lose every hair on my head, I really don't. It is such a small price to pay for the reward He is giving me. He wants me to tell you how this, and every other hard time I have gone through has CHANGED me forever and that there is no going back to the person I was before. I don't even remember who that person was as it seems to have been a lifetime ago.  I feel that He is telling me that I must BE REAL at all times and by being real, I am REALLY BEING. Yes, I am broken all of the time but in my brokenness He is GLORIFIED. Yes, I cry and feel sorry for myself from time to time but HE has accounted for every single one of my tear and in my selfishness he brings me to a whole new level of really being for Him and Him alone. A whole new level of FAITH and a whole new level of SURRENDERING it all to Him. 


I don't know what this means to you, maybe nothing or maybe everything. Only God can speak these things into your heart as they need to be spoken.