Day 12: Remembering God

So, we went to church yesterday for Saturday night service and our pastor was so funny. He was talking about how he journaled like a "dude" using bullet points in his "man book". I can't help but to laugh even now thinking about it. I realized from his sermon that as much as he "journals" like a "dude", I very much blog like a chick. :-)

Anyway, he went on to talk about a lot of other good stuff. He talked about "remembering God" and what God has done for you in the past to get you through trials in the future. I just had to pause for a moment because that is exactly what has gotten me through this so far. I have lost a great deal in my life. I am not saying it is more or less than the next person but it has still left its mark on my heart.

I have been very open about our struggles to have our children, losing 5 babies in the process. Yet, God was faithful in giving us each of our children that we get to hold in our arms today. Each of them, their own puzzle piece to my heart, completely unique and completely irreplaceable. I can tell you in the time of each loss though I didn't understand, very much like how I don't understand why I have cancer today. I don't ask why I have cancer, I just don't understand the big picture yet, I hope that makes sense.

At the time of each loss, all I felt was the pain at first and then moment by moment God continued to reveal and remind me of His love. Finally, I would understand. For example, if we would have had our baby boy in 2009, we would have never had Kearyn. That is a certainty, as it would have been physically impossible. At the time, there isn't anything that would have caused me to give up my baby boy, even the promise of Kearyn. But now, I can't imagine it being any different as she has truly completed our family and not because she is a girl but because she is Kearyn.  

As I said before, I don't know why I am going through cancer at 31 years of age with four little ones at home. I don't know why I will have to go through chemo for 4-6 months and feel yucky more often than not. But I do know God has the big picture all mapped out. It is my job to be obedient in my faith putting one foot in front of the other even on the hard days.

I would like to think that maybe someone will be led to Christ through my story or perhaps someone's faith becomes deeper or more real to them. The thoughts of those things help me get through the tough moments as well. Ultimately, I realize those things aren't up to me. It is my job to teach and plant the seeds that God calls me to, it is His job to save, and that person's job to believe. We all must do our part in order for the big picture to become visible.

How I Feel:
I felt pretty good today. I just get tired easily and have to take frequent naps. I am thankful that I have so much help and support right now to keep all the pieces of our family going. We are truly blessed.

Prayer Request:
Please continue to pray for the health of our family.

Funny of the Day:
This will probably only make sense if you have or had little ones... Jason was feeding the baby and doing the classic airplane thing with the spoon to get her to take her final bites. (You pretend the spoon is an airplane and make the little noises and pretend to "fly" into the baby's mouth.) Later on, Creide was eating and he started doing the airplane spoon to himself. It was so funny! I guess maybe you had to be there.