Day 1: The Shock...

Day 1: The Shock....


It is important that I document this as it happens. I don't know what the future holds. I am praying that I will one day be able to reflect on this as a distant memory and that it will provide hope to others going through hard times themselves. Until then, they are just my hopes, dreams, prayers and fears as I live them out....

What in the world happened?
Yesterday I went to the doctor to see about a lump I have on my neck. It has been there for a while and I had it checked out before (that is a whole different story entirely) but for the past 2 weeks or so I noticed a significant change. With 4 kids, a busy life, and just a shear desire to avoid doctors offices in general, I reluctantly realized that this probably wasn't related to the recent cold that I was experiencing and needed to get it checked out.

The initial doctor was concerned. She thought it had to do with my thyroid. She said that it probably would have to be removed or at least part of it. There was also a chance it was thyroid cancer. The sound of that was terrifying. It was also confusing because I had specifically asked if it was my thyroid when I first found it a few months back and they had said no, my thyroid was fine and they thought it was a cyst. But that is here nor there now. She scheduled a CT-scan for the next morning and scheduled an appointment with the surgeon on Thursday. It was a long and emotional night for my husband and I, but we were determined to hang on to our faith. God would provide.

The Next Day
I went to the CT-scan and immediately knew something was wrong. The technician just had me lay there for the longest time. She let Jason back in the room and continued to scurry around. I heard the phone ring several times but couldn't hear the conversations. I asked Jason what was wrong and he didn't know either. Finally, she said that the doctor wanted to talk to me before I left. That was when I knew something was really wrong. In all my experiences with ultrasounds, x-rays, etc. I have never had the doctor request me to stay and talk to me. The results always went to my doctor first.

My suspicions, unfortunately, were right. The doctor said that he thought I had Lymphoma, a cancer of the lymph system. Jason and I just sat there. What can you say at that point? I tried hard to pay attention to everything he was saying but it was like I was in a fog.

We went back out to the waiting room where several of our close friends and family members had gathered, I just sat and cried. I am 31 years old. I am a wife and a mother to four. This couldn't be happening to me. Cancer has always been one of my biggest fears but surely it wouldn't happen to me, not when my children were so young. They still needed their mom.

From there I was rushed to get a biopsy and then on to the oncologist. I was not strong in the least. I broke down several times, which if you know me, you know is unusual. I just kept thinking the worst. I also kept reliving the fact that I had found this lump months ago and had not taken care of it. Finally a sweet nurse told me that there was nothing I could do about that now- I just had to move forward. She was right. There was no point in living in the past.

I  finally met with the oncologist. He sat down with Jason and I and endured my tears. I told him that I have four little kids at home and I needed to know if I was going to be okay or not. That is when he told me that this type of cancer that he suspects I have  has a 90%, not only recover, but curability rate. That was like music to my ears. It may have only been a drop of hope in an entire ocean of fear and sadness but it was all I needed. That is what I am clinging to.

The Rest of the Night
The rest of the night was touch and go to be honest. This single day started the greatest "battle of the mind" that I have yet to face in my life. I consciously had to dismiss one negative thought after another and replace it with something positive. They also instructed me that I couldn't nurse my baby girl for 24 hours and that was probably the hardest part of it all. All she wanted to do was nurse and I couldn't. Of course, she didn't understand. It was just a tough night.

My Thoughts....

Written February 2, 2011

My mind is absolutely numb from all of the information I have received today. To say that I am not scared would be a lie. I am terrified. I keep thinking of my four beautiful children and cannot imagine leaving them in this world without a mother. Jason is an incredible father but he shouldn't have to do in alone, should he? I know God is ultimately in control of all of this but I desperately seek Him for reassurances, grasping at any hope that I can find. 

It has been a difficult day for all. My dear husband has had to endure far more than he should. My baby girl unable to nurse for the first time in her 8 months and 1 day of life and she completely does not understand. My three boys have a distant awareness of what is going on as they have been staying with grandmas today. 

The "what ifs" race through my mind and I know I need to stop them. The love and support I feel from all is overwhelming. There are no words. With each offer of help, with each act of kindness, there is hope.

Today I have been blessed in the following ways: I cannot believe the medical attention that I received just today! They were so kind, supportive, and just wonderful. They kept apologizing for rushing me around and all I could say was "Thank You!" I couldn't imagine having all of this spread out over 2 weeks. I want to get to the bottom of this so I can move forward.

I have been blessed with so much support from my family and friends. I have been blessed with such a wonderful husband.  My family and friends were available for support even when I did not ask. I know that it is just as hard on them to watch me go through this as it is for me to go through this. I am so grateful.

Prayer requests for today: I pray for wisdom and discernment for all the medical staff involved. I pray that, if it is indeed cancer, that it is truly the "curable" kind that they speak of. I pray for my husband, that you give him peace throughout this as well as strength. I pray for my children, just please protect them. I pray for my oldest son who is so incredibly worried about his mama and my baby girl who does not understand why she cannot nurse as she has every day of her life. I pray for the rest of my family and my friends as well. God bless them all for blessing me as they have.