Scan Results Part 2 - {The Details}

Okay, so this is a little blog catch up time. 
I actually wrote this last week on the day of my scan and for whatever reason I never posted it. 
But now I am going to. 
I like when things are fresh. 
They seem more real to me. 
Deeper. 
Raw. 
Even just a week later I read this and have already forgotten most of it. 
Anyway, here you go. 
Maybe it will be valuable to someone out there. 

{9.5.12}

Oh wow.
What a day.
I am literally exhausted but I cannot turn my brain off yet to go to sleep.

This morning was pretty rough.
I literally felt sick to my stomach.
And that is pretty unusual for me.

I wanted to believe so badly that everything was going to be okay.
And this is where it gets hard to explain.

I wanted to believe that everything was good.
That I was still cancer free.
But I couldn't 100% let my guard down.
I couldn't let myself get blindsided - just in case I received the news that I did not want to hear.
I had to be able to maintain my composure and my strength for my family.
I couldn't fall apart in front of my children.
I had to be strong for them and reassure them that it was all going to be okay no matter what.
That is all I could think about.
Them. Them. Them.

As we drove into town I was thankful for our long drive.
The beautiful morning.
Our mountains.
And our radio station.
Some incredible music played and really put my heart at ease.

We arrived and I said my hellos to the many familiar faces.
They have to be some of the nicest people on the planet that work at the cancer center.
How they do it day in an day out I do not know.

They called me back to the room.
They took my blood pressure.
137/86 - not so good.
And I was trying to stay calm.

Soon after Dr. O came in.
He is so awesome.
He knows we are believers and openly talks to us about that.
He is just a nice man all around.
He asks about my kids each and every time.
Then he shares about his own kids.
If I weren't there for the reason that I am, it would almost seem fun.

Then he gets to my scan results.

You are stable - he said.

That, my friends, is a very good thing in the cancer world.
Later on he mentioned that the spot in my chest (an enlarged lymph node) that they are watching actually appears to be getting smaller.
That is the second scan where they have found that to be true.
Thank you God!

We talked some more about this and that.
I just really felt so much joy.
So much relief.
There are just not words.

From there I went to doctor #2.
Said my hellos in that office.
They took my blood pressure again.
(Not even an hour later.)
119/72
Ummm..... yeah... just a wee bit stressed before.

I received a confirmation from this doc's office on the scan results.
And they set me up for my next round.

Blood work in 3 months.
Full body scan in 6 months.
That is when I will have to drink the liquid chalk. Yum.
But we will worry about that in 6 months.
Not today.

I will then have two more scans after that 6 months apart and then we will hopefully "graduate" to the once a year gig.
That would be nice.

As I left the docs office J and the kids were in the parking lot waiting for me.
They had the windows down and I could hear them cheering for their mama.
Brings tears to my eyes even now.
Even my baby girl was cheering.

How sweet they are.
They got caught up in all this ugly mess and had to watch their mom go through the lowest of lows.
Yet, they keep cheering me on.
That is why I fought to hard.
That is why I continue to fight.
My husband and my children are my purpose.
And I will continue to fight for them until my last breath.

I am so thankful for them and the way they stood by my side.

Cancer Update: Scan Results

I haven't even left the doc's office yet. But I wanted to give you all an update.

I am still cancer free.
Still a survivor.
Still in remission.

I am elated.
Beyond grateful.

I received an email update from a friend who is currently battling cancer. Her husband said it best...

God has given me the gift of more time.

Thank you God.

I will write more later but I just wanted you all to know for now that things are good.

Blessings.

September: {Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month}

September.

It means many things to our family. 

The birthday month of our littlest boy.

Other special birthdays of family members and friends.

An anniversary month for my grandparents.

But it also means that it is the Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month as well.

If I could - I would forget all about this cancer.

But I can't.

And I never will.

Hodgkin's Lymphoma makes up around 1% of all cancers. 

It also has a very high survival rate.

If it is caught early. 

People constantly ask me what my first symptom was. 

For me, it was a lump in my neck. 

Right above my color bone.

But that is not the only sign or symptom.

And every situation is different.

I am happy to share my story with anyone who asks. 

For now.

I will just ask you to pray.

Not just for my family.

But for the next family that will be diagnosed and doesn't even know if yet.

Pray that God gives them that peace beyond all understanding.

That they cling to Him as the world as they know it is shattered.

Pray that God gives the doctor's and nurses the wisdom to treat them.

And that God gives them the strength to endure. 

Even though I do not know that family by name.

My heart breaks for them.

But all I can do is pray. 

 

I don't know if you remember the banner I designed last year. You can take a look at that here: September Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month 2011

I actually think I like this design even better. :-)

Please feel free to download and share. 

Spread the awareness.

Spread the love. 

Bless you all. 

Bad Cancer Day...

My lack of blogging in the last couple of weeks had not been due to bad things.
It has actually been the opposite.

We have been trying to soak up every last minute of summer before we start school.
But more of that later.

Today, however, was not the best day I have ever had.
I am not sharing this because I want to sound selfish in any way.
This is not about me.
This is about sharing my heart every step of this journey to help others.
Even on my bad days when I would prefer to remain quiet.

I feel called to do this to give those who may not have the words a voice to represent what they are gong through.

I feel called to do this to give those who might be looking for a way to help someone in my situation some perspective on some of the things the person they are trying to help may be dealing with.

So, what made this day so difficult? Here is a rundown...

It started with me going to church.
I ran into a friend that I actually went through radiation with.
She gave me the news that her cancer was back.
I tried desperately  to fight back the tears for her.
I failed.

I know her heart.
I know her desire to stay here on this earth to raise her little girl.
I know her fear.
I would do anything to make it all better for her and I can't.
All I can do is pray.

This hit me hard.
It hit me hard for her.
It hit me hard for me.

First, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to know you have to go back into treatment again.
The first time around is hard enough.
But the one thing you do have is ignorance.
Ignorance to the fact of how hard it is really going to be.
The second time around you don't have that anymore.
You know.
And you have to do it anyway.

She is the 4th or 5th person that I was in treatment with that their cancer has come back.
I would be lying if I said that this does not cause me fear for my own cancer journey.
And, this always seems to happen right before I go in for my own scans.

My next scan is only a couple of weeks away.
The battle of the mind began today.
I am praying diligently that I can get it in control again quickly.

Next, our church had a concert tonight where Audrey Assad was the performer.
She shared that last September her husband was diagnosed with cancer.
Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
The same cancer I had.

Then, she shares that she has a friend who is dying this week.
Yes, from cancer.
She has two small children she will be leaving behind.
Even now my tears flow.

My heart just hurts so badly for that family.
My heart also screams, "No, please don't let this happen to me!"
Please God, allow me to stay here.

I just want to raise my children.
I just want to be a wife to my husband.

Finally, we were driving home...
I was just about to ask Jason about his thoughts on all this mention of cancer.
Just at that moment a mom came on the radio and started talking about her 3 year old having cancer.

So, my heart is heavy with so many things tonight.
Sadness.
Worry.
Fear.

Yet, all I can do is remain hopeful.
Keep my faith.
Know that God has already gone before me.
Pray.

And as my husband so gently reminded me of a couple of different times today....

Don't limit God.

My [Other] Birthday Today

Yesterday was my birthday and it was amazing. I will share more about that later. But today is another big day for me....

One year ago today I received my last chemo treatment. 

Wow. 1 year has gone by? Really?

I have a ton of emotions today. I am so grateful first of all. There are just really no words that will do this justice. I am grateful that I am still here. I am grateful that I am not in treatment anymore. I am grateful to be a survivor.

I feel an excitement that this is REALLY behind me. Sometimes it is hard to believe that I am really past this and sometimes I am scared to believe it. Like if I really believe it and then I find out it isn't real I don't know if I can withstand the heartbreak. But, that is where faith comes in.

I also feel sick to my stomach when I think about one year ago today and what I was doing. I really do. I honestly hate thinking about it because it brings back how awful I felt. I can even smell and taste how it felt - yes, chemo has a taste - and it is terrible. So, I really try not to go back there for long. However, it does enhance my joy and appreciation of today to do so.

Anyway, I know that many of you have walked along this journey with me. Some in the flesh and others by reading my blog. I appreciate you all. For if it weren't for your prayers and support I know that today could have been very different. And not just for me - but for the four little precious people who call me mama and the one big precious person that calls me wife.

I think I rejoice mostly for them.

6 Months Past Treatment

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I am actually 6 months past treatment. Man, that has really gone by fast. I thought it would be a nice time to give an update on how I am feeling.

Physically

Physically I am probably doing as well as could be expected. I do struggle daily with my energy level but I think I am getting better at not overdoing it and acknowledging when I do overdo it that it is just going to take me time to recover. I don't let the expectations of others dictate my level of activity and I have gotten better at being honest and just saying, "I am tired," or "I am going to be too tired to do that." Basically I am just learning to give myself more grace.

My diet is a critical component to my energy level. I get lax on it every once in a while and then I am like, "Why am I feeling so bad lately?" Then that little voice says, "Have you checked out what you have been eating lately?" Oh yeah. Then I get back to where I need to be or at least closer to where I need to be.

Right now is a very busy season in our lives (now that I think about it, is there ever a slow season?) and keeping up with my kids takes pretty much everything out of me but I am just so grateful that I am here to even have that struggle.

I don't really have any other physical symptoms other than the fatigue to worry about. About 50% of my hair has grown back. I don't know if it will ever be like it was before but I don't even worry about that. I have always had a ton of hair and it is actually kind of nice not to have to blow dry it for two hours just to get it dry. :-)

Emotionally

Emotionally I think I handle things really well. I rarely worry about the cancer coming back. I find that a day or two before any testing I do get some butterflies in my stomach and then a day or two before I get the results the same thing happens. It takes a conscious effort to keep the fear in check when those moments come but I think overall I do a pretty good job at it.

My personal philosophy on this is that I do not know how many days God has given me. So, if I spend half of them or even all of them worrying about when that day is going to come it is a complete waste of those precious days. Worrying does nothing for today and it will not change tomorrow so why get caught up in that hamster wheel?

There was a lady that was diagnosed shortly before I was last year. She went through treatment last year and they recently found a couple of more spots indicating that she will most likely have to go back in treatment. When I hear of these situations my heart always breaks for that person. Treatment is nasty no matter how you look at it and if I could have my way no one would ever have to endure it. My heart breaks for them because I know the fear and uncertainty that they are undoubtedly facing - then there is their family and what they are going through as well. But after I get through all of that there is a tinge in my own heart - what if that is me? But then again, you just cannot let yourself go there...

Spiritually

This is kind of a hard one to explain. In many ways I feel stronger than ever but in other ways I feel a bit lost. It is kind of like I had this huge build-up of adrenaline for the past year and now it is over and I need to find my normal spiritual routine again.

For the last year I felt like I was white knuckling the cross - hanging on so tight and if I let go for even one second I would be lost forever. Now it is different. Maybe instead of white knuckling it I have my arms wrapped around it as I am completely out of energy and it alone is giving me the strength and energy to keep standing. I told you it was hard to explain. :-)

I just finished two book studies with two different groups of ladies and they were amazing. I am so glad I did each of them as it was a really good way to fellowship and just reconnect with the world again. I also learned a lot about myself and the person that I am today which is much different than the person I was a year ago.

Ultimately I am still just grateful to be done with treatment. It is the little things that continually remind me of this. Right now we are frequenting the field for baseball practices and games and I keep thinking of how hard it was last year to drag myself to the different sporting events my kids had. (Don't get me wrong - I am so glad I did and would do it all over again if I had to but it was still just hard.) My daughter's birthday is coming up in a month (a whole different post) but it is so nice to not have to plan her party around my chemo treatments. Like I said, it really is the little things.

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there and reading my rambles. I appreciate you more than you know. Praying you all have a very blessed week and here is to more days of being cancer free! (Saying that still gives me chills and makes me smile. :-)

I am Now Port Free :-)

As mentioned in my last post, I got my port out today. :-) And it was one of the creepiest experiences of my life. I was obviously all numbed up. The doc was really good at giving me more numbing stuff the couple of times I did feel pain. That was nice of him. But it was still very weird.

The best way to describe it was like when you run your nails down a chalk board and grind your teeth at the same time. Yeah, creepy huh? It was just super awkward and very strange to be awake during the experience.

He of course could not get the port out of the original incision so he had to cut a bigger one. The procedure took about an hour. Evidently you have to sew the port to the person when you put it in. I did not know that because I was knocked out when he put it in. He apparently did a very good job at attaching it to me because it took a great deal of time to un-attach it from me.

I am now super sore. I had forgotten how sore I was when they put it in - until now. Now I remember. My cute little precious baby girl is not helping much either. She still views me as her own personal jungle gym and is completely unaware of any hardship that I am enduring at the moment. The story of being a mom. :-) I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I will share more about my day tomorrow. Including some photo opportunities. :-) No, not of the port removal. That would be what I like to call an "over-share".

For now I am all doped up on Tylenol and ready for bed. Yeah, I go straight for the hard stuff. ;-)

Be blessed!
Andrea

A Big Day Today....

During my update of my last scan results I mentioned that I would be getting my port out.............. Well, today is that day!!!!

I almost missed the boat on this one - at least temporarily. Since I wasn't feeling well I waited a couple of days before I called to make the appointment. So when I called last week they informed me that the doc was going on vacation for two weeks and Tuesday (today) was the very last appointment that I could get or I would have had to wait until he got back. Waiting wouldn't have killed me. After all, I have had this thing for 13 months now - what's 2 more weeks. But it is something I want done pretty badly and I was happy that they had one last appointment for me. :-) 

So, 3:30pm today I will be saying goodbye to my port and will finally be free of all foreign devises in my body. Fortunately they can just remove it from the office and it is not necessary to be admitted into the hospital like when they put it in. Pretty excited about that. Pretty excited about the whole thing actually. :-) 

I hope you are all having a very blessed week this week. 

Blessings,

Andrea

Updates - Scan and Overall

Scan Update

Sorry for the delay in updating all of you. After my appointment this a.m. I grabbed lunch and by the time I got home with my kids I was absolutely exhausted so I attempted to rest a bit between adhering to the needs of a 6, 4, and 21 month old. Anyway, I feel like I somewhat got my second wind for the day. (This is a long day for us as Jason doesn't get home from work until late tonight.)

Anyway, the doc appointment went well. The spot in my chest that they are watching is smaller but not gone. Ultimately they would like to see it go away completely so I will definitely be praying that it does.  I got some of the details of my future care ironed out for the most part - what type of testing I will need and when. These are just general guidelines of course, it will ultimately depend on how I do.

Overall Update

Overall I am doing pretty well I think. On my good days I feel like I am operating on about 50% of my optimal energy level. When I have a bad day it feels like I go back down to the 10-15% range and that is pretty rough.

I am now 4 months past treatment and they say that it will take at least 6 more months to feel "back to normal" again. I find that having patience to allow my body to recover is one of my biggest struggles. I just want to feel better already!

Another hard part, as I have said before, is that my outsides don't match my insides. I can feel really bad on the inside but people just see that I look so much better than I did during treatment, so they think I am all better. (Really, it is not hard to look better when you looked like you were dying before.)

It takes a lot of honesty on my part to admit that I am not "super-woman" and that I am still struggling. My first instinct is to say, "Oh no, I am fine. Yep, feel great! Want to see me do a back-flip?" Then wind up in bed for 3 days because of that back-flip. :-)

It is also funny because I can now really see this in other people who are hurting or going through treatment as well. I can see that they really don't feel good at all - even though they are putting on a brave face and it has made me much more sympathetic to those situations.

Anyway, enough rambling. Thank you all for the prayers! Love you all!

Oh, I almost forgot (and I really did almost forget silly me after making such a big deal about this...)

I do get my port out! 

I don't have a date yet but I will definitely let you know. And then I think a "PORT PARTY" is in order.... Anyone want to help me plan it???

Blessings, 
Andrea

So I Survived Cancer, Now What?.... A Book Perhaps?

This is something that has been on my heart since I was still going through treatment. I just didn't know the story that God wanted me to tell until about a month ago. That is when it was laid on my heart to write a book directed at other young mothers who have been diagnosed with cancer.

I remember feeling so many emotions when I was diagnosed. One of which was a lot of confusion. How was I going to get through this with four children? How was I going to be a wife and mother and STILL make it through my treatments? It was questions like that that formed the theme of my book.

I am very excited about it but I do need a lot of prayer. I feel like this is the last element to my personal healing and it is definitely challenging me in a new way that I am enjoying immensely. But with my lack of energy it is easy to put this project on the back burner to all of the other obligations that I have right now.

So, if you could be praying for the energy I need to complete this. Also, that it is what God wants me to say to these mama's in such a desperate and lonely time and that I can provide them hope if nothing else. Again, I am very excited about it and can't wait to keep giving you updates...:-)

Blessings,
Andrea

Road to Recover: Step 2 {FASTING!}

Today we started our fast. By "we" I mean Jason and yours truly. Here's the short story...

I went on a fast about 2 weeks after I finished chemo. After about 5 days I got a lot of my energy back. Not all of it of course but I at least could go for walks and stuff. It was really nice after feeling so bad for so long.

I had these blister things on my fingers that I started to get about half way through my chemo treatments. They were awful. They hurt so bad and then they would itch too. I couldn't even turn the key to start the car without it hurting. But after about a week and a half of being on this fast all of those went away. Also, all of the numbness in my finger tips from the chemo went away.

Anyway, for just having gone through 12 rounds of chemo, I felt pretty good. But then they told me I had to have radiation. And one of the side effects of the fast is that you will lose weight (not complaining) but when you go through radiation you can't lose any weight so I had to stop the fast.

So, after having the radiation I have not been able to recover since - which is not abnormal. It is just that hard on you. I am tired all of the time. I wake up tired.

For example, today Jason and I went to the store. I had to chase Kearyn twice and Jason said he could tell I was "done for". Don't get me wrong - I am not telling you all of this because I want you to feel sorry for me. It is what it is and I am grateful for life. Period. However, I feel that it is important to document what I am going through so that people can have compassion towards others going through something similar.

The biggest thing I hear is that I "look fine." Well, I have said it many times - my insides don't match my outside. And how often does this happen in life. Everything looks fine on the outside and then we find out something and we are like, "Wow, I never knew. They looked totally fine on the outside." It doesn't even have anything to do with cancer. I think this has been a sharp reminder to me that I can never take that for granted in another person ever again.

We are all broken in some way. We are all dealing with something and sometimes we just need someone to understand and not take for granted that we look like everything is as it should be on the outside.

Being in this situation has forced me to be honest in a way that I struggle with. The "I'm doing fine," line just doesn't cut it. I have had to guard myself in a way that has required a brutal honesty on my part and then I pray that the person that I am telling listens. This has given me such a compassion for what others are going through - a lesson that I am glad I am learning, even if it is hard on me to learn it.

Back to the fast... I knew that I needed to go back to it but it isn't the easiest thing I have ever done. So, I have been praying for the strength and conviction to do it. That is when my hubby stepped forward and said he would do it with me and for this I am so grateful!

So, we started today. It is basically no white flour, no white rice, and no sugar of any kind. No big deal. ;-) The white rice and the white flour really isn't a big deal. But there is sugar in everything. Even you season salt has sugar in it. Then we can only eat chicken or fish. :-) There are also some supplements that you take as well, like lots of vitamin B, etc.

I know I need to do this. I cannot remain this tired for the next several months like they are telling me is the norm. I have a husband that wants his wife back and four children that want their mom back. I know that if I do what I need to on my part that God will bless me with the strength and energy that I need to be the type of wife and mother HE wants me to be.

I will keep you posted on how it goes...

Moving Forward...5 Tips on How to Get Going

I was actually writing about something else today and this topic was just laid very heavy on my heart so I switched gears.

I feel very much like I am starting over in life. Now this is both good and bad. It wasn't like my life was bad before. I loved my life. But obviously that season needed to come to an end for me so a new season could begin. (scripture reference: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

This can happen for many reasons - not just because of an illness. We see this happen when people go through a divorce, a death of a loved one, a career change, maybe when your children grow up and leave home... the reason isn't so much of the focus here but more of what happens next.

I feel like I just woke up from a long sleep and everything is different now. The schedule that I had once lived by is non-existent. I had to let go of all the activities and groups that I was apart of before as well. My kids are different for this has changed them too. My relationship is different with my husband, my other family members, as well as my friends. Again, different doesn't necessarily mean bad... it is just that...different. And it all takes time to adjust.

But in the midst of all of these changes you can feel a bit overwhelmed. You wonder how you even begin to move forward. You look around your house, you look at your relationships, and you look at all you need to do -  and it can be very intimidating.

As I was processing this today, I thought of how easy it could be to do nothing. Just retreat. Just say that it is too big and give up allowing the illness, divorce, loss, relationship change, career status, or whatever else that may be causing this to consume you - to become your identity.

It would be so easy to isolate yourself and never become the new person God is calling you to be and never enjoy the fruits of the new season you are being called to live in.

So, how do you move forward? How do you re-prioritize, re-establish, re-commit to things in this new season. Here are a few steps that I have come up with for myself that may help you as well if you find you are in the same situation I am in.

1. Pray. 

Ask God to give you the wisdom to know how you need to move forward. Ask him for the strength to do it. It is so easy to jump back into the "old life" and there are probably aspects of that old life that you will go back to but there may be some things that you were meant to let go of too.

I remember our old pastor giving a sermon one time on the things you do. He said just because God called you to do them 2 years ago does not mean he is calling you to do them today. That is so true and we must be prayerful about each and every thing before we place it back into our lives. Just because it was there before does not mean that it is meant to be there now.

2. Prioritize.

So after you pray, then God will help you set the priorities that you need to have. With my situation, I am dealing with a limited amount of energy. So, I can't have the list of priorities that I once had. I will share my list of priorities with you now and how I am currently addressing them.

My Faith - I know for a fact that I cannot let this slip one bit. I need to be continually seeking and growing in this area. How am I going to work on this - church, bible study, and actually writing believe it or not. I feel like my writing is a very strong form of worship in my life and it definitely keeps me centered and focused on the cross.

My Family - This is where things start to get more complicated for me. I want to pour into my family but I start to run out of energy very quickly. So, it has become more about the quality of time I spend with them right now and not necessarily the quantity of time. Now, don't get me wrong. I am with my children all of the time as they are at home with me so that equates to a lot of time being under the same roof as they are. But ultimately, if the quality is not there then that is just what it is - time under the same roof.

My goal is to make the moments I spend with my children as meaningful as possible. So, that means that I really engage with my oldest son when he has one of his conversations with me about ancient history, how some battle was fought and with what kind of weapons they used. Instead of thinking of other things, my focus is on him.

The same goes for my husband. Even if I only get 15 minutes with him before one of us has fallen asleep at night then that 15 minutes needs to be as meaningful as possible.

My Friends - Ultimately I know that I have not been a very good friend this past year. The thing about friendships is that they take some degree of energy and investment on both sides. When I was unable to make that investment some of my friendships weakened or were even lost. It doesn't make it easy by any means.

Because this is such a difficult area it is tempting to just throw myself back into these relationships full force. But once again I remind myself that I am still operating on a very limited level of energy and I must ease my way back into things. That leads me to my next tip....

3. Baby-steps.

As I mentioned before, it is very easy to become overwhelmed and then not want to do anything. You freeze-up because you just don't even know where to begin. The key here is to just start somewhere. Anywhere. And move forward with baby-steps. You don't have to be 100% overnight.

This doesn't even have to relate to a major event in your life. Perhaps you have just slipped a bit or wake up one day and don't like the choices you have made but are unsure of how to get back to where you need to be. Just make one baby-step in the direction you need to go. Maybe this means that you get back into the word a certain amount of time each day. If you are like me and are needing to reorganize your house - well, just start with one small section and go from there. Again, it is important to just move forward - not necessarily how much you move forward.

4. Grace.

Be sure to have grace for others as well as for yourself. I have found that people rarely understand the trial that you are in unless they have been there first hand themselves. But this doesn't mean that they don't want to understand.

Each time I share some of my experiences with a friend and they realize truly how hard chemo was and how badly it affected me - their perspective changes. They provide me the grace I need not to be expected to jump back into everything overnight.

You also need to have grace for yourself. I talked a great deal about this in a post I wrote a couple of days ago. (You can read that here.) You cannot have unreasonable expectations for yourself and if you fall short, then it is even more critical to have grace for yourself in those times as well.

5. Enjoy.

This is critical for me personally. I do miss different aspects of my life before all of this but I have so much to be joyful for in this new season as well. Any time I start to feel a bit overwhelmed I just think back to how far I have come, the victories I have seen, and the many things I have to be grateful for now.

So, if you are in a similar boat as I am in - maybe this post can be meaningful to you. Moving forward isn't always easy but definitely worth it.

A Different Kind of Joy

One thing that some people would never associate with cancer is joy. But as I have walked through this journey I have noticed some very distinctive times where I experience shear joy. Perhaps you become more aware of these moments because there are so many struggles along the way and when you feel joy it is more enhanced because of those hard times. 

I remember the first time I felt this joy.... it was July 13, 2011. It was the day I finished my chemo treatments. Now keep in mind, this was kind of a clouded joy as I had just spent the last 6 hours being pumped full of drugs. But I still felt joy. As my friends and family surrounded me outside the cancer center and offered me gifts of flowers and balloons to help me celebrate... I felt joy. 

The next time I remember feeling this joy was the day I finished radiation. This joy was even more powerful than the joy I felt after chemo. (A lot of this probably had to do with the fact that I was not pumped full of drugs that day.) But I really felt joy in that moment. I did it. I had endured a month of radiation every single day. As the staff played music and through confetti in my hair... I felt joy. 

The next time I felt this type of joy was 2 days ago. It was the oddest thing - I met with my first doctor and he gave me the news, yet, I held my heart back. I then went to the second doctor and he confirmed the news, yet, I still held back for some reason - like I was too afraid to believe it. It wasn't until he said the words, "You are now a cancer survivor," that it really hit me. That shear joy. I had done it. I had made it to the end. I had battled for my life and I had won. I felt joy. 

Today I woke up and had that joy as well. It was just a beautiful joy-filled day. (I am sure yesterday was the same I was just too tired to realize it.) But anyway, all I have right now is joy. 

The crazy thing is that I would have never chosen this for myself. If God would have given me a menu of "growth opportunities", there is no way I would have selected the "cancer" box. But if I wouldn't have gone through all of this I would have never felt this different kind of joy I am experiencing today. 

Would I do it again? Umm.... probably not. (Just being honest here.) But it is just a beautiful reminder of God's love for us. Not only will he walk through the valley with us but while we are standing on the mountain top he will show us the rainbow. I am on the mountain top right now and I can tell you... the view is beautiful. 

Blessing and Love,

Andrea

{exhausted}

Today..... I.am.exhausted.... It always amazes me how much energy this has taken to get through. And it is not just physical. It is mental, emotional, and especially spiritual exhaustion.

This has been my focus for so long - the finish line and it feels like I have had to use every ounce of my strength to get here. 

It is still very surreal. I don't think it has taken full effect yet. I just find myself thinking in my mind...I am cancer-free. I am cancer-free. I am cancer-free - over and over again. 

It is good to be free. 

{Rejoicing Today} I am Cancer Free!

For those of you who have been keeping up on my blog you know that today was a big day for us. Today I found out if I needed more treatment or if my scan was clear....

I am so joyfully overwhelmed to announce that I am now a cancer survivor. It has a nice ring to it doesn't it... cancer survivor, cancer survivor, cancer survivor. Okay, I will stop now. 

I do think that I am a bit in denial still because it just doesn't seem real yet....

11 months and 2 days ago was one of the hardest days of my life. It was my "d-day" (diagnosis day). It was something that I certainly never expected to happen at 31 years of age. 

Throughout the last 11 months there have been many hard days. Days that I was so weak I couldn't even get out of bed. Days where I couldn't keep one ounce of food down. Days where every ounce of my body ached so badly that I almost couldn't stand it....but not today. 

After thousands upon thousands of prayers said on my behalf from countless different locations across the world - our prayers have been answered. I am cancer free. 

I was trying to think of a way to describe my feelings at this moment. Then I thought of a roller-coaster ride. There are the ups and the downs and being yanked from side-to-side and then you climb the big mountain. You are fearful with anticipation and then you get to the top where your fear peaks.... then you stop just for a moment and there is that moment where gravity hasn't taken affect yet and you just have joy.... That is where I am right now. Floating. Joyful. Rejoicing. 

This is not the end of my ride by any means. I have many months ahead of me of tests, observations, and gaining my strength back day-by-day. But for now I am just going to sit back and enjoy the rest of this ride. It has been a long one. 

All glory goes to God for without him I would not be here today. He gave me the strength and courage to walk this out day-by-day, moment-by-moment. He never left my side and I am truly grateful that he gave me this gift of life. That he has allowed me to stay here with my husband and children. I can do nothing else but weep with joy. 

After we left the doctor's office I just sat and cried. It was like I had so much emotion pinned up inside of me and it just came flowing out. I told Jason that this journey began with tears and ended with tears... but I definitely prefer these kinds of tears. 

My children are filled with joy today as well. I told them and my six-year-old asked me... "Can I say a cheer mommy?" Sure, why not! They chanted... Mommy's cancer free, mommy's cancer free. I am so grateful for them. I am so grateful to be their mother. I am just grateful!

Anyway, I can go on and on but I will finish this up for now. Just know that the Gressman house is definitely rejoicing tonight! 

Blessings and love to all!

Andrea