What NOT to Do #1: Don't Tell Someone to Slap Their Child...[Yes, this happened to me!]

This little blog post has been rolling around in my head for a couple of days because I honestly didn't know how to approach it. So, I decided to start a series of what NOT to do. As things come up in life - I will add to it.

Yes, this really happened to me.... Someone told me I should slap my 18-month-old daughter. A complete stranger. In public. To me, that is wrong on SO many levels but before I get to all of that I will give you the situation. :-)

We were having a birthday lunch for Jason (yes, it made it even worse because it was a celebration) and Kearyn was getting restless. So, like most 18-month-old's do (or I guess I should say at least my kids do) she throws a fit. Now I will be honest - she let out a scream and Jason and I were mortified.

1. We are not used to these girl screams. I mean, come on! They come close to being at the level where only dogs can hear!
2. We expect our children to behave (obviously as all parents do) and so this stage of the game -when your kids are learning what is expected of them - is always a bit stressful for us.

You see, Jason and I are not pro-tantrum. We are actually anti-tantrum. We work really hard to get our kids through this stage as quickly as possible and I think we have had a bit of success with our methods. Let's examine: 2 out of the 4 children we have no longer throw fits at all (success!) and our youngest son gets dramatic every once and a while but we do what we did with our other two - we correct him - and these situations are happening less and less (partial success with an optimistic future!).

So, my baby girl lets out a scream and I hear this "Oh My ____" from the next table. It is important to note at this time that there was a partition that separated us from this table and I could hear this lady over my daughters high octave screech.

Jason and I are continuing to try to address the situation - first telling her "no-no, we don't act like this", etc., etc. I then hear it....

Lady: You need to just smack that child!
Me: (Biting tongue.)
Lady: It is hard for me to believe children act like that since I raised 2 of my own.
Me: (Still biting tongue, sitting on hands, eye-lid twitching, rocking back and forth.)

At this point the lady keeps sputtering on and Jason finally says, "Is she talking about us?"

Me: Yeppppp!

Kearyn is quiet by this point but this lady is not. I can no longer stand it... so I say something. I know, I know... all of my friends and mentors who are reading this are cringing right now saying "No Andrea, No!" But when you have a conflict with someone you are suppose to go to them, right? So, I went to her.  Here is a rundown of the conversation...

Me: Excuse me... I just wanted to apologize for my daughter making so much noise and disturbing your lunch.
Lady: Yeah, don't you know that there are actually other people in the restaurant.
Me: Yes ma'am we are but she is only 18-months-old and we are doing our best to teach her how to behave. But I am just going to tell you that I am not going to smack my daughter. I just don't believe in that.
Lady: (Deer-in-headlights look) Oh, well I wouldn't expect you to do that.
Me: Really? Well, I thought I heard you tell me that I should smack her.
Lady: Well, I just meant that is what I would have done if my children would have ever acted that way - which they didn't. Well, maybe once.
Me: Really? Wow! Because all 4 of my children have acted this way at one time.
Lady: You have four children....???? (Note shock in her voice.)
Me: Yes, the other three are sitting over here too, you probably haven't heard a peep out of them have you.
Lady: (She says nothing).
Me: Well, I just wanted to apologize for the disruption and I hope you enjoy the remainder of your lunch.
Lady: (After I sit back down.) Well, that was rude.
Lady's grown daughter who had been sitting next to her the whole time: No it wasn't.

So, why do I have such issue with this....

1.) I am the parent. I am dealing with the situation. It wasn't like we had just let her scream for 10 minutes straight. We were addressing it. It is already stressful enough for the parent - why make it worse!

2.) Why would a complete stranger feel like they can speak into my life on this level. Discipline is a very personal thing that couples have to put a great deal of prayer and thought into. So do you really think I am going to take the advise of someone I don't even know who is yelling this advise over a partition in a restaurant  Um.... no!

3.) Even if I did believe in smacking my child (Note - there is a difference between smacking and spanking. I am not talking about whether I agree with spanking or not.) that would have only made the situation 5000 times worse!

I am usually a super patient person. But when it comes to my kids - obviously the mama bear comes out. It is my pet peeve when other people discipline my children. Don't get me wrong, if I am not there and they are about ready to run into the road, by all means - tell them to stay out of the road! But then come tell me and then my husband and I will address it.

It really bugs me when I am starting to correct my child and someone jumps in and corrects them over the top of me. I want to say so badly - I am handling it and your are not helping!

It bothers me even more if they do this to my husband. My husband is supposed to be the leader of our family. When someone steps in like that they are undermining the paradigm that God has established for us. My children see this and this could potentially affect the way my 3 sons lead their households or how my daughter allows her husband to lead her household.

Anyway, I just had to share this story. Hopefully you had a good laugh and just in case you didn't know.... Don't tell someone to slap their child.  ;-)




 

The Temper Tantrum

Recently I was attempting to reason with my 2 year old (now 3 year old) when he decided that all negotiations were off and threw himself in the floor to begin a temper tantrum. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times he does this I still get irritated. He is our third child and I don’t seem to remember our first two children engaging in such behavior as frequently as our third son. 

I know for a fact that my first son only threw two tantrums in his toddler years and I know that my second son threw a few more then that but it didn’t seem to be as many as our third baby boy has participated in. We have always said that our third son is the most dramatic one of the bunch so I guess that tantrums fit in with that part of his personality.

This time as he began the tantrum process I just watched him instead of going right into discipline mode. It made me think of us as the human race. It made me think of myself as an individual, our family, our church body and so on down the line. I began to think of how many times I have not gotten “my way” and thrown a tantrum. Sure, I didn’t get down in the floor, kick and scream and carry on but I started to really think about my heart condition. How many times have I “pouted” before God because I simply did not get my way?!?

I thought of the tantrums that my children have thrown. In my heart as their parent I was restricting them from something that would be harmful to them in some way. Sometimes they could potentially harm themselves physically, sometimes character-wise, and sometimes something even more serious such as spiritual damage. As a parent, I was trying to keep my child safe from something. So, why cannot we give that same trust to our own Heavenly Father who is far more intelligent then we can ever dream to be. How come it is that we don’t trust the one that knows the past, future, and present? If we had that same kind of insight how would that change the way we disciplined our children?

As I watched my two year old continue his tantrum I tried to think of what this looks like through God’s eyes. How patient and loving our Father is to allow each of us to go through our own personal “tantrums” sometimes multiple times a day! Oh praise God for his patience and wisdom. Praise Him for not becoming agitated as I do when my own children act in such a way. I couldn't help but to think of the following scripture....

"because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, 

   and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Hebrews 12:6

"My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline, 

   and do not resent his rebuke, 
because the LORD disciplines those he loves, 
   as a father the son he delights in." Proverbs 3: 11-12