life with him.

This is going to be difficult to get through.

I am already crying.

He has a way of bringing that out in me.

Tomorrow is a special day for us.

It is the anniversary of our wedding day.

We have lots of special days.

And he never forgets any of them. 

But I thought I would take a few minutes to reflect upon my life with him. 

Share.

Remember.

{Love.}

Life with him is pure joy.

Sure, we have had our share of trials.

(You have been here for many of them.)

But they have always been things that happened to us - not things between us.

(I hope that makes sense.)

Loving this man is so easy.

I delight in it each day.

And, in turn, I feel so loved by him.

There are no words to describe it. 

I wake up every morning and thank the Lord that he chose me.

Our life has been messy.

4 kids has a tendency to make life interesting anyway. 

But then there was more. 

Multiple job transfers.

Lots of moving. 

Many miscarriages.

Cancer.

And the list can go on and on. 

Anyone of those things could have been enough to take our marriage down.

But instead...

We have drawn closer.

Steadfast.

Unwavering.

And through all of this messiness I believe we have truly achieved the oneness that God speaks of. 

When I was diagnosed the thought of leaving this man was beyond heartbreaking. 

I knew he would make it through it. 

It would be hard - especially with the kids.

But he is strong.

He is faithful.

But I never want him to hurt.

And.

I had made a promise.

I promised him I would grow old with him.

Sure, it was made when we were young and thought we would live 100 years.

But it was still a promise.

Until that moment it never occurred to me that it could be any different. 

Questions would race through my mind.

Did he know how much I really loved him?

Did I love him well enough?

Did I love him enough to get him through the time we would be apart if I did leave this world so soon?

Did I honor him as I have been called to do?

Did I show my children the depth of my love for their father?

Did I model the love of a devoted wife so my daughter would know how to love her husband someday?

Did I receive his love the way I was supposed to so my son's would know how to love their wives someday?

I know these questions may not make sense to some.

Or may seem obsessive. 

But when I thought of not being here much longer I just wanted to make sure I was leaving those that I love with what they needed from me. 

Nothing else mattered. 

Not me. 

Not the pain I went through.

Just them.

Just him.

As we celebrate tomorrow I can honestly say....

There is no place I would rather be.

Next to him.

Loved by him.

Doing this life together. 

Serving One as One.

J - I love you so dearly. I delight in being your wife. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for choosing this. Thank you for raising our children with me. Thank you for being the man you are - for leading our household the way you do. Thank you for always standing firm for what is right and continually shining the light of Jesus for me, our children, and all those around us. In the dark nights you have been my light - reminding me of how much Jesus loves me through your love. Thank you for cherishing me and nourishing me the way you do and for always showering me with the word of the Lord through your words, actions, and love. 

Your loving wife. 

Birthday Celebration Part 1: Can You Say Sushi?

I was treated to a birthday lunch this week. It was delightful.

The best part....

I was able to share it with this man. :-) 

{Rejoicing Today} I am Cancer Free!

For those of you who have been keeping up on my blog you know that today was a big day for us. Today I found out if I needed more treatment or if my scan was clear....

I am so joyfully overwhelmed to announce that I am now a cancer survivor. It has a nice ring to it doesn't it... cancer survivor, cancer survivor, cancer survivor. Okay, I will stop now. 

I do think that I am a bit in denial still because it just doesn't seem real yet....

11 months and 2 days ago was one of the hardest days of my life. It was my "d-day" (diagnosis day). It was something that I certainly never expected to happen at 31 years of age. 

Throughout the last 11 months there have been many hard days. Days that I was so weak I couldn't even get out of bed. Days where I couldn't keep one ounce of food down. Days where every ounce of my body ached so badly that I almost couldn't stand it....but not today. 

After thousands upon thousands of prayers said on my behalf from countless different locations across the world - our prayers have been answered. I am cancer free. 

I was trying to think of a way to describe my feelings at this moment. Then I thought of a roller-coaster ride. There are the ups and the downs and being yanked from side-to-side and then you climb the big mountain. You are fearful with anticipation and then you get to the top where your fear peaks.... then you stop just for a moment and there is that moment where gravity hasn't taken affect yet and you just have joy.... That is where I am right now. Floating. Joyful. Rejoicing. 

This is not the end of my ride by any means. I have many months ahead of me of tests, observations, and gaining my strength back day-by-day. But for now I am just going to sit back and enjoy the rest of this ride. It has been a long one. 

All glory goes to God for without him I would not be here today. He gave me the strength and courage to walk this out day-by-day, moment-by-moment. He never left my side and I am truly grateful that he gave me this gift of life. That he has allowed me to stay here with my husband and children. I can do nothing else but weep with joy. 

After we left the doctor's office I just sat and cried. It was like I had so much emotion pinned up inside of me and it just came flowing out. I told Jason that this journey began with tears and ended with tears... but I definitely prefer these kinds of tears. 

My children are filled with joy today as well. I told them and my six-year-old asked me... "Can I say a cheer mommy?" Sure, why not! They chanted... Mommy's cancer free, mommy's cancer free. I am so grateful for them. I am so grateful to be their mother. I am just grateful!

Anyway, I can go on and on but I will finish this up for now. Just know that the Gressman house is definitely rejoicing tonight! 

Blessings and love to all!

Andrea

Struggles of Today....

It is important to me that I document the emotions that I am going through as we go along. I find that it is impossible to describe them accurately later on. So, here we go.

I am battling. I am battling between the peace that God is giving me and the fear that the enemy is trying to plant. It takes constant effort to keep my focus on the cross and I realize once again how exhausting it is mentally, emotionally, and most of all spiritually.

There is a lot at stake today and many of the issues I haven't even articulated yet. They just float around in my mind. But I will do my best to articulate them now.

Basically it comes down to this - they have given me the first line of defense when it comes to Hodgkin's Lymphoma. They can only give me four more treatments of this particular type of chemo and the doctor said last time that he wasn't even sure that if they would work. Evidently, the cancer cells can be resistant to chemo - which we see all the time when treatment doesn't work for certain people. It is hard to believe that as bad as it makes you feel that it wouldn't be able to kill every last thing.

Anyway, so what I struggle with is the fact that if this line of treatment doesn't work then I will be relying on a second line of treatment and there is a reason that it is the second line - it isn't as effective.

That is what I am struggling with right now. Not the idea of going through more treatment. I will go through whatever I need to in order to get even one more minute with my husband and my children.... it is the even bigger pictures. So, with each and every moment, each and every prayer, I am continually laying those thoughts down and clinging to the peace that God is providing me.

{Thankfulness}....6 Things I Am Truly {Thankful} For

For those who know me best - you have probably noticed that I have not written about being {thankful} yet, despite it being the theme for this wonderful month. I honestly have been trying... I have started several posts. But I have so many things to be thankful for that it seemed impossible to do this subject any justice.

So, here is a feeble attempt to cover some of the things that I am so thankful for. I know I will not be able to cover it all but it is at least a start...

1. {God.} 

For those of you who are reading this - I have no idea if you believe in God or not. But for me, there is no other way but the way of the Lord. He has blessed me so abundantly - even when I did not deserve it (which is most of the time :-). I would not have survived all that I have in my life if it weren't for His grace, mercy and love.

     2.  {My Husband.} 

One of the greatest blessings that God has given me is the man that I call my husband.  He has seen me at my absolute worst and still loves me anyway. He has continually put himself last time and time again to take care of me, our children, his ministry, and everything else God has called him to do.

There are no words to describe how this man has loved me so well. He has held me when my body has hurt so badly I thought I would crawl out of my skin. He has sat by my side as I have gotten sick time and time again. He has rubbed my feet and hands for hours because he knew it made me feel just a little bit better. My husband has not just loved me with words, he has loved me with is actions, his selflessness and unconditional giving. I am so truly thankful for him each and every day. If I could choose all over again - I would DEFINITELY choose him. :-)

     3.  {My Children.} 

There are no words to describe how much I love my children and how thankful I am for them. I could literally write a book just about my kids. Probably 4 of them - one for each of them. :-) I am overwhelmed that God chose me to be their mother. I am truly honored.

Each of my children are so different and I am thankful for that as well. I love witnessing how uniquely God has made each of them. I love watching their gifts and their talents grow and develop and I can't wait to see how God ends up using each of them.

I am thankful for each day, each hour, each minute, and each second with them. One of the most heartbreaking parts of my diagnosis was not knowing how many of these I would have left. In all honesty - none of us know how much time we have left and I am determined not to squander mine on things that do not matter. My children matter.

 When each of them give me those special hugs throughout the day I find myself squeezing them for another second - soaking up the cherished moment. There is no place I would rather be. :-)

     4.  {Our Family.}

We are very blessed to live so close to so much of our family. They are there in a moments notice. They have definitely filled the gaps these last few months where we fell short. Their love for us is amazing and we are so thankful for it.

They are key fixtures in my children's lives. The time they get to spend with them is truly precious. The things that they learn from each of them and the memories that they are able to create are priceless and I know they will carry them with them for all of their days.

     5.   {My Friends.} 

Wow. Where do I begin? Thank you to my friends who have loved me even when I was unlovable. Thank you to my friends who stood by my side no matter what. Some of you came to my house and scrubbed my floors. Some of you sat there by my side while they injected me with my chemo cocktail. You called and left messages even though you knew I was too weak to return them. You sent emails even though you knew I was too tired to reply. You cooked for my family when I could not. You took care of my children when I had no energy to do so. You listened to me when I complained and felt sorry for myself. You read my blog. :-) You gave me grace. You were my friend even though I couldn't be your friend back. I am SO thankful for you. You are a true treasure. (You know who you are.)

     5.   {Our Church Body.}

There are no words to describe the love and support that our church family and friends have given us. They have stood by our sides through loss and sickness, through broken arms and ER visits. They have met us on this road called life countless times and they have helped us to keep moving forward, closer to the cross all the while growing closer to our Lord Jesus.

     6.    {Our Community.} 

The support we have received from our community has been overwhelming. People that I do not even know personally will stop me and ask me my name. They will then say something like, "I have been praying for you," or "I have been reading your blog." They hear our story from a variety of ways - our family, our friends, friends of friends. They take time out of their lives to follow our journey and truly care and for that I will be forever grateful.

So, I have to tell you this was not an easy one to write. It was very emotional for me to think of these  and try to put into words how I feel about each of them. This is only a small piece of all that I am thankful for and, like I said, I could go on and on but I will spare you from that.

I am thankful for you - all who read this as well. You have allowed me to process all of the emotions and feelings that I could have so easily stuffed down deep somewhere. You have supported me and I am grateful.

Blessings,
Andrea

Say What You Need to Say

As I was praying about what to write about today I just kept hearing these words, "Say what you need to say," over and over in my head. That is generally a pretty good indication when I need to write about something - because it doesn't ever seem to go away until I do.

So, I started to think about what that phrase means to me....then I started to remember why I started blogging so regularly when I was diagnosed to begin with. It was a scary time for me. I didn't know what my diagnosis meant. But I did know that if something happened to me - if I didn't make it - I wanted my children to know and hear my voice through the things that I wrote. I am sure I have said this a hundred times but it was (and is) so important to me that they know how much I love them, how much I love their dad, and how much I love God - even through the yucky stuff. This blog has been a huge blessing to me because I have been able to "say what I have needed to say" in each moment I was experiencing and then some...

I have always been a fairly private person. That may seem contradictory as I feel I have been pretty open and honest on here for the world to read but that is not the way I normally operate. It is so much easier for me to help others than it is to receive help myself. Needless to say, relying on others as I have had to during the last few months has been another lesson for me entirely.

My heart has changed in many ways since my diagnosis. I don't hesitate to tell a friend that I love them - something I would have felt awkward about even a year ago (except for with the youth group kids - strangely I have never had a hard time telling one of the kids that I love them - but I know that is a God thing.)

But even though my heart has been opened up some since my diagnosis - I realize I still have a long way to go. There are still words that I need to say to those that mean the most to me. There are still words that I need to say to my husband and my children because I know that I can never tell them that I love them enough. They are truly why I am going through all of this - my love for them is strong enough for me to go through the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life time and time again just so I can see my kids grow up, just so I can grow old with my husband, just so I can hold my grandkids someday. As much as I hate it - as much as I dread it with ever fiber in my body - they are the reason why in 1 week and 2 days I will go through it all over again, and then again, and then again - until I am done.

I am so grateful that God gave me my family and friends. I am so grateful that He has allowed me to love so deeply and for them to love me in return. What a lonely life it would be without them all.

So, my question to you....are you saying what you need to say? Have you told those around you how much they mean to you? You may think they know but they can always hear it again. Say what you need to say....to who you need to say it to.

Day 13: My Husband

Today I did not feel well most of the day. This is very hard for me because I feel like I have so much to do and want to be doing it. I have never been good at "sitting still" and I am the worst patient on the planet. I can't even watch t.v. without doing something else at the same time so I don't feel like I am totally wasting my time.

When my mom offered to watch the kids for us so we could go to dinner or order take-out I really wanted to take advantage so I could do something to celebrate with my hubby. Despite the icky feelings, I willed myself to feel better enough to go. (If you are a mom, you totally know what I am talking about here.) We ended up having a wonderful, quiet time. This was the first "date night" that we had since before Kearyn was born, which was over 8 1/2 months ago. It was really good to have that adult conversation without having a baby meltdown or food thrown at you. Well, there was that one time that Jason got a little rowdy with his dessert but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. (Just kidding.)

I know if it weren't for Jason that I wouldn't be able to deal with any of this. God truly blessed me so greatly when he put him in my life and God continues to bless me daily with Jason's presence. He helps to keep me strong when I am weak. When I sobbed in his arms when I first got the news that I had cancer because I was so scared to die and leave my children, he was there and he reminded me that I couldn't limit God in what He could do. He whispered to me over and over, "Don't limit God, don't limit God...." until my heart heard what he was telling me.

There are no words to express what it is like to have someone like that in your corner, constantly reminding me of my faith. I just hope and pray that I am the same light for him as he has been for me.

I love you Jason, more than you could ever know. Thank you for being my husband. Happy Valentine's Day my love.

Love Always,
Andrea