{inspired'11}: Day 1 - 30 Days to Live....

{inspired'11}

day.1


{My Prompt Response}

I remember, (Wow! It was actually 10 months ago from today!) when I was first diagnosed that the thought that I was going to die in the near future was very real to me. So, as I think about this question - if I only had 30 days to live, how would I spend it? - I would most likely do the very same things that I did when I was first diagnosed with cancer – only even more deliberate.

I remember that it was very difficult for those who were closest to me to see me plan for the worst. Many would tell me that I needed to be optimistic - they would reassure me time and time again that I was going to be fine - they would tell me to keep my faith. It wasn't that I was not optimistic - that I didn't believe with all my heart that I was going to be fine - or that I didn't have faith…. What was going through my mind at that time was that you never know what is going to happen. I wanted to hope for the best but be prepared just in case.  

I am sure that nearly everyone else out there that is diagnosed with one form of cancer or another (or any other potentially life-threatening disease) do not actually believe that they are going to die. But the fact remains, that sadly some of them do. I knew that even though I hoped and prayed to the very core of my soul that it wouldn't be me - it could be…. I also knew that if it were me - I had a duty and a responsibility to my husband and my children to leave as much of "me" behind as I possibly could. 

The first thing I started doing was writing on {here} as much as possible. I wanted my children to know my voice and if I wasn’t going to be here so they could verbally hear me then at least they would have my written word. I wanted them to know my journey – even the struggles. I wanted them to know how hard I fought for them to stay here as long as I possibly could. How I didn’t go easily. I wanted them to know my love for them and their daddy. How it was an honor to be Jason’s wife and Cale, Ky, Creide, and Kearyn’s mama.

Most importantly – I wanted them to know how much I love God. Despite it all – I love the Lord with all my heart and I wanted them to know that I wasn’t angry at Him, I didn’t blame Him, all I had was love. Even though I had cancer and was going through the hardest time of my life – I knew God was right there with me and without Him I wouldn’t have any of it…. Not even the good things that I cherish so much.

The next thing I did was have our family pictures taken. My friend, Jess (you can see her work {here}), graciously agreed to take them for us and I will truly be forever grateful for her heart of willingness. She did an amazing job and was able to truly capture the personality of our family. I will treasure those memories forever. 

It was important for me to have these done right away. I didn’t want them done 6 months down the road with my hair gone and me looking awful because of the months of drugs that had been pumped into my body. I wanted my husband and my children to remember me as healthy as they possibly could.

When the pictures were taken I had actually already gone through one chemo treatment. I remember the thought of cancelling went through my mind because I didn’t feel very well at all but I am so grateful that I didn’t.

Another thing that I did was I arranged a potluck and invited all of our friends and family. I knew that the next few months were going to be tough and that I wouldn’t be able to see them very much. I wanted one last time where we could get together and celebrate life together.

If I knew that I only had 30 days to live… after I did all of the things listed above I would spend every second possible with my husband and my children. I would ask my husband to take off as much time from work as possible and I would create as many memories as I could with them. I would document everything – both in writing and with photos. I would write letters to each of them and make sure that I was right with God….

How would you spend your last 30 days?

You can post your comments below (even anonymously) or you can email them to me at andreagressman (at) gmail.com  

This is a {prompt-response} for the {inspired'11} series I am doing for the month of December. If you would like to participate, check back daily for the writing prompt. It is as simple as that!