Resentment...

As you have probably noticed, I have been quiet on here lately. It has been nearly 2 weeks since my last post. I know there have been a few reasons why....

1.) I was just tired of writing about cancer. I was tired of thinking about it - even in a positive light of being past it and being cancer-free. And I kind of feel like you might be tired of reading about it too. I could be wrong.

It has been a year since this disease entered my life and it is definitely something that I want to put behind me completely. Yes, I will use the knowledge, compassion, and experience I have gained from it and do my best to help others. I acknowledge that I will never ever be the same - but beyond that, I do not want it to be the focus of my life.

I hear so often people say that they are grateful they had cancer. I am not one of those people. I think, "good for them" if it transformed their life in such a way. If they found salvation because they went through cancer then praise God for that. If their life was impacted in such a positive way that they can live by that statement - then I am honestly happy for them. I am just not one of those people.

I could have gone through my entire life without the experience of cancer and been perfectly happy. I do have resentment of what the cancer took from me. The precious time with my children, my "normal" life, my energy... but then I realize that is a very dangerous place to live. When we let that resentment camp out in our hearts it can be more destructive than we can possibly imagine. So, then I have to shift the paradigm of my thinking to what I know is real...

I know that it is real that there were blessings throughout my treatment. For example, I have met so many wonderful people and I will be able to cherish their friendship for the rest of my life. In fact, I was at a worship night at our church last night and one sweet girl that I met and have grown close to because of my cancer was there. She gave me a hug and told me that she loved me. My heart immediately went into a condition of thankfulness - yes, for the cancer. For if I would have not gone through that I would not have this delightful person in my life today. And there are countless people that fall into that category.

I have been able to reconnect with old friends from years and years gone by. Who knows why we fall out of touch and really who cares. The important thing is that we are able to draw near to those in our life, lift each other up, and just love one another no matter where we are at in our own lives.

I could really go on and on. No, I am not thankful for the cancer. I don't have a pillow with the saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and a purple ribbon sitting on my bed. What I do have is a grateful heart that even though I went through the darkest time of my life - God never left me and even more amazingly - HE BLESSED ME!

He didn't just get me through it - he gave me gifts of love and provisions beyond my wildest dreams. He gave me family, friends, a church family, and a community that tenderly cared for me when I could not care for myself. No, I am not grateful for the cancer. But I am grateful for what God gave me in the midst of it. Those things I will cherish always.

I know I said there were other reasons I have been absent lately but I think this is enough for today. I am teary eyed upon my reflections and that is always a good place to stop. I will write more about this later... and I will try to make that sooner than later.

Blessings,
Andrea