6 Months Past Treatment

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I am actually 6 months past treatment. Man, that has really gone by fast. I thought it would be a nice time to give an update on how I am feeling.

Physically

Physically I am probably doing as well as could be expected. I do struggle daily with my energy level but I think I am getting better at not overdoing it and acknowledging when I do overdo it that it is just going to take me time to recover. I don't let the expectations of others dictate my level of activity and I have gotten better at being honest and just saying, "I am tired," or "I am going to be too tired to do that." Basically I am just learning to give myself more grace.

My diet is a critical component to my energy level. I get lax on it every once in a while and then I am like, "Why am I feeling so bad lately?" Then that little voice says, "Have you checked out what you have been eating lately?" Oh yeah. Then I get back to where I need to be or at least closer to where I need to be.

Right now is a very busy season in our lives (now that I think about it, is there ever a slow season?) and keeping up with my kids takes pretty much everything out of me but I am just so grateful that I am here to even have that struggle.

I don't really have any other physical symptoms other than the fatigue to worry about. About 50% of my hair has grown back. I don't know if it will ever be like it was before but I don't even worry about that. I have always had a ton of hair and it is actually kind of nice not to have to blow dry it for two hours just to get it dry. :-)

Emotionally

Emotionally I think I handle things really well. I rarely worry about the cancer coming back. I find that a day or two before any testing I do get some butterflies in my stomach and then a day or two before I get the results the same thing happens. It takes a conscious effort to keep the fear in check when those moments come but I think overall I do a pretty good job at it.

My personal philosophy on this is that I do not know how many days God has given me. So, if I spend half of them or even all of them worrying about when that day is going to come it is a complete waste of those precious days. Worrying does nothing for today and it will not change tomorrow so why get caught up in that hamster wheel?

There was a lady that was diagnosed shortly before I was last year. She went through treatment last year and they recently found a couple of more spots indicating that she will most likely have to go back in treatment. When I hear of these situations my heart always breaks for that person. Treatment is nasty no matter how you look at it and if I could have my way no one would ever have to endure it. My heart breaks for them because I know the fear and uncertainty that they are undoubtedly facing - then there is their family and what they are going through as well. But after I get through all of that there is a tinge in my own heart - what if that is me? But then again, you just cannot let yourself go there...

Spiritually

This is kind of a hard one to explain. In many ways I feel stronger than ever but in other ways I feel a bit lost. It is kind of like I had this huge build-up of adrenaline for the past year and now it is over and I need to find my normal spiritual routine again.

For the last year I felt like I was white knuckling the cross - hanging on so tight and if I let go for even one second I would be lost forever. Now it is different. Maybe instead of white knuckling it I have my arms wrapped around it as I am completely out of energy and it alone is giving me the strength and energy to keep standing. I told you it was hard to explain. :-)

I just finished two book studies with two different groups of ladies and they were amazing. I am so glad I did each of them as it was a really good way to fellowship and just reconnect with the world again. I also learned a lot about myself and the person that I am today which is much different than the person I was a year ago.

Ultimately I am still just grateful to be done with treatment. It is the little things that continually remind me of this. Right now we are frequenting the field for baseball practices and games and I keep thinking of how hard it was last year to drag myself to the different sporting events my kids had. (Don't get me wrong - I am so glad I did and would do it all over again if I had to but it was still just hard.) My daughter's birthday is coming up in a month (a whole different post) but it is so nice to not have to plan her party around my chemo treatments. Like I said, it really is the little things.

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there and reading my rambles. I appreciate you more than you know. Praying you all have a very blessed week and here is to more days of being cancer free! (Saying that still gives me chills and makes me smile. :-)