Bad Cancer Day...

My lack of blogging in the last couple of weeks had not been due to bad things.
It has actually been the opposite.

We have been trying to soak up every last minute of summer before we start school.
But more of that later.

Today, however, was not the best day I have ever had.
I am not sharing this because I want to sound selfish in any way.
This is not about me.
This is about sharing my heart every step of this journey to help others.
Even on my bad days when I would prefer to remain quiet.

I feel called to do this to give those who may not have the words a voice to represent what they are gong through.

I feel called to do this to give those who might be looking for a way to help someone in my situation some perspective on some of the things the person they are trying to help may be dealing with.

So, what made this day so difficult? Here is a rundown...

It started with me going to church.
I ran into a friend that I actually went through radiation with.
She gave me the news that her cancer was back.
I tried desperately  to fight back the tears for her.
I failed.

I know her heart.
I know her desire to stay here on this earth to raise her little girl.
I know her fear.
I would do anything to make it all better for her and I can't.
All I can do is pray.

This hit me hard.
It hit me hard for her.
It hit me hard for me.

First, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to know you have to go back into treatment again.
The first time around is hard enough.
But the one thing you do have is ignorance.
Ignorance to the fact of how hard it is really going to be.
The second time around you don't have that anymore.
You know.
And you have to do it anyway.

She is the 4th or 5th person that I was in treatment with that their cancer has come back.
I would be lying if I said that this does not cause me fear for my own cancer journey.
And, this always seems to happen right before I go in for my own scans.

My next scan is only a couple of weeks away.
The battle of the mind began today.
I am praying diligently that I can get it in control again quickly.

Next, our church had a concert tonight where Audrey Assad was the performer.
She shared that last September her husband was diagnosed with cancer.
Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
The same cancer I had.

Then, she shares that she has a friend who is dying this week.
Yes, from cancer.
She has two small children she will be leaving behind.
Even now my tears flow.

My heart just hurts so badly for that family.
My heart also screams, "No, please don't let this happen to me!"
Please God, allow me to stay here.

I just want to raise my children.
I just want to be a wife to my husband.

Finally, we were driving home...
I was just about to ask Jason about his thoughts on all this mention of cancer.
Just at that moment a mom came on the radio and started talking about her 3 year old having cancer.

So, my heart is heavy with so many things tonight.
Sadness.
Worry.
Fear.

Yet, all I can do is remain hopeful.
Keep my faith.
Know that God has already gone before me.
Pray.

And as my husband so gently reminded me of a couple of different times today....

Don't limit God.

Perspective

One of the blessings that cancer has given me is perspective. I feel like I have always cherished the important things in life and I am a very sentimental person by nature. But when I thought there was a chance I was going to die – and if I am being honest, there were many moments that it more than crossed my mind – it changed everything. It was the game changer of all game changers in my life.

I thought of things like - what is my husband going to say at my funeral? Or, what is my husband going to say to my daughter on her wedding day if I am not here to show her my love and support too. Or, how can I shower my kids with enough love right now to last them a life time. But honestly, we should all be asking ourselves those questions, not just when we are facing cancer or some other life-threatening illness or situation.

The question I ask myself - if something happened to me tomorrow – did I get it right? I am not talking about perfection because I know there is no way I am going to hit that. But did I tell and show my husband I loved him totally and completely? Did I do the same for my kids? Did I show my kids how much I loved their father and what a good marriage looks like so that they can later apply those lessons to their own marriages? Did I put God first?

Don’t get me wrong, I do not think you should consume yourself with worry about these things. First of all, we are not supposed to worry {phil 4:6} but also because then there is a chance you will become immobilized by fear and worry. Besides, worry isn’t going to fix any of these issues anyway. Only action will.

Jason and I have been blessed with the opportunity several times now to share our perspective fresh from the trenches so to speak. It is something we cherish. As heart breaking as it is to relive those moments in our life, we cling to one another’s hands with tears streaming down our faces, we remember and we are beyond grateful that we are both here to share this perspective because we came so close to it being a different story entirely.

The other day I was talking with a girl about my perspective and she said, “I hope I do not have to go through what you did to have the perspective that you have.” That summed up my heart condition in a nutshell. I want to share and inspire people to make the changes that they need to make before it is too late, so that when they get to that final moment the can say, “Yes, I got it right.” 

Blessings,

Andrea

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. {Philippians 4:6 NLT}