10,000 Prayers... And Now He is Here

It is funny how life can change for you so quickly.
One minute you are are walking along one path and you look up to discover it has turned into a completely different path.
Like when you are a mom of 4 and then suddenly you realize that you are now a mom of 5.

On 8.7.14 we welcomed our newest addition to our family.

Caysen Johnse or as we call him, "Cayse".

He is amazing.

He came by complete surprise to us. Normally I don't care for surprises but he is by far the best one I have ever received... and I find myself just staring at him in awe.

He is 3 weeks old today - which have gone by in a blink of an eye despite my best efforts to soak up every moment.

I find myself kissing his little head over and over again.
As I did this a day or two ago I thought to myself, "I have probably kissed him 1,000 since he has been born."
Then I started thinking of how many prayers I said for this little boy before he finally arrived.
At first I thought that I had probably said 1,000 prayers as well... then, being the math geek that I am, I roughly counted the number of days since that winter day when I realized that I was pregnant... no... 1,000 wouldn't even come close to the number of times I prayed for this boy.

My prayer was often very simple.

Please God, keep him safe and healthy, safe and healthy, safe and healthy. Please God.

I would say that same thing over and over again countless times each day.

I don't know exactly how many times I prayed for him certainly but I am sure God does.
I am so abundantly thankful that he heard my prayers and answered by giving us this perfect little boy.

Welcome to the world sweet boy. You are so very loved.

Sad Days: Remembering Our Baby Boy

Yesterday and today mark very sad days for us. 3 years ago yesterday we found out that our little boy no longer had a heartbeat and as much as I prayed for a miracle it was not my miracle to be had. 3 years ago today marks the one an only time I got to hold him before I had to say goodbye.

This year is very different for me and I feel like I am grieving in a whole new way. 1 year after we lost our little boy I was a month and 10 days away from delivering my baby girl. Her pregnancy was filled with anxiety for me as I was so afraid something was going to happen to her as well. I spent many days in almost constant prayer in order to deal with my anxiety. So when one year rolled around it was as if I was white knuckling it - afraid to let myself feel the full impact of the sadness in fear that it might hurt my baby girl. I know that probably does not make any sense but it was where I was at the time.

Last year, year 2, was equally complicated and hard. I actually had to have my 6th chemo treatment. I can tell you that the last thing I wanted to do on this day was go through chemo. Going through chemo always took so much focus for me. It took a great deal of positive thinking as well and how can you think positively when you are grieving? It was also the day that I received the news that I would not be receiving the 8 treatments like we had thought. No, instead I would now need 12. This just compounded my grief for the day to say the least.

Today though, it is different. In a way I am grateful because I can just feel sad for my boy. I am grateful because it isn't so complicated. I can think of him and just cry my tears. Sure, I still have to be mom to my other four and we even have a baseball game that we will go to and we will cheer our 2nd son on with all of our hearts. But I am just thankful for an easier year where the grief isn't so complicated and hard.

I would just like to take a moment and remember all of the babies that have been lost due to miscarriage. Having lost 5 myself I know the pain and heartache that goes along with this type of loss all too well.

Everyone handles the grief differently. For me the pain was always very deep and long. I watched others who seemed to handle it much better than I. The important thing to remember is that grieving is a very personal thing and a miscarriage is still a loss no matter how far along you were. It still hurts.

Blessings to those who have experienced a loss of any kind. May God shower you abundantly with love and mercy.

Could it be any worse?

I actually try not to do that much research about my cancer which is very difficult for me because I am kind of a research junkie. I know, I know... weird. I love to learn about new things and I like to be informed as much as possible - especially when it comes to the health of my family. But with the cancer stuff it just gets to be depressing and the once vibrant ray of hope starts to fade as you read all these other stories of what people have had to go through - and when you are going through something like this you can't afford for that to happen.

Today, however, I could not resist and started reading some other "cancer blogs". It was then that I saw a lady who also has Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I think she was about my age and she had two children. But this is what broke my heart... she was 26 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child.... I felt like my heart stopped for a second when I read this.

Can you imagine that being your situation? This sweet mama being over half-way through her pregnancy and being diagnosed with cancer. She also stated that she was starting chemo that very next week and my heart stopped again. At that moment I praised God that he had spared me from having to make that decision because that very well could have been me.

When I was pregnant with my second son they found cancer cells and thought that I had cervical cancer. The one doctor told me that I would need to start treatment immediately. When I asked her what would happen to my baby - she said I would most likely lose him. This was just a thought I could not bare. I had lost four babies prior to finally getting pregnant with this baby and now they were expecting me to do this! I felt like they were asking me to choose between my two children - the one I had and the one that I was carrying inside me.

I quickly sought a second opinion and the second doctor said that they would just monitor me carefully throughout my pregnancy and as long as it didn't start spreading I would be fine - and I was. We now have our five year old son Ky and I can't imagine life without him. As tough as this situation was for me at the time - I cannot imagine what it would be like to be pregnant and diagnosed with something like Hodgkin's.

For those of you who are wondering what happened to the cervical cancer thing - well that was a God thing too. After I had Ky, they still found the cancer cells. In fact, for over a year every time I went in they found them. So what do I do.... I decided I wanted another baby. My fear was that if they did decide to treat me I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. So, I got pregnant with our third son and I fully expected to go through this whole thing all over again. But I went in and there were no cancer cells to be found. Perhaps that explains my shear belief this time around that God is going to heal me from this cancer too. He did it once - I know he can do it again.

I am sure I have shared this with you but I found my first symptom of Hodgkin's when my baby girl was just 2 weeks old. The next day I went into the doctor and they ran some tests and said that the lump (what we later found out was a tumor) in my neck was just a cyst. But the point is that my baby girl was only 2 weeks old. If we moved all of this up even a few months I would have been faced with this very similar situation.

My heart just ached for this mom. She only made one post and her last words were, "I am hoping and praying for the best possible outcome...." I don't know this lady's name, I don't know where she lives, but I am praying that same prayer for her as well. I am praying that same prayer for all of us who are facing cancer or anyone else who is facing tough a situation. And I am just grateful to God that this was not my own reality.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Two years ago today was the day that I delivered our 4th baby boy. The day before we found out that he no longer had a heartbeat. I ended up going into labor at home much earlier than the doctor expected and it went so fast that I did not make it to the hospital in time to have him.

He was so tiny that he fit into one hand from fingers to palm and was perfectly formed. I held him as long as I could before I had to say goodbye. His daddy took him from me, carefully wrapped him up, and that was the last that I saw of him until I finally see him in Heaven again someday.

We named him John Andrew Gressman. John is after Jason's grandpa and Andrew is after me. My heart continues to ache for him.

I was telling my nurse yesterday about him and I made mention that I know he is in Heaven and I know people think I should just let it go now and move on. Her answer: "It is completely natural for a mother to love her baby." So, I am no longer going to try to justify my grief. The babies I have lost in the past will forever be etched on my heart. Because of my love for them - they will never be forgotten.

Today is a tough one. I don't feel well at all from my chemo yesterday and in a few hours I will get a shot that will make me sleep for the next few days. Thank you for allowing me to share this about my baby boy now and allowing me to honor him in this little way.