14 Days & 21 Days From Today.... {Prayer Request}

I have enjoyed the last 6 weeks tremendously. Really, there are no words to describe my enjoyment. I have only had one doctor's appointment in that time and no treatments of any kind. It has been spectacular.

For the month of November I did very little. I basically hung out with my kids and my hubby as much as possible and just really enjoyed the normalcy of life again. I cleaned a lot too. Oh, and cooked. I really like cooking. I also had to established a "new normal" which I will talk about in a later post.

But today, it hit me.... my next PET scan is 14 days from today and then 7 days after that I will get the results. I started feeling those butterflies in my stomach. I started having that feeling of uncertainty in my heart. The "what if's" start creeping in my mind. And yes, since I am being truly honest here... even fear.

The fear of the cancer not really being gone. The fear of having to go back into treatment again - can I really endure any more? The fear, the fear, the fear.

I have heard from a few different people that fear means False Evidence Appearing Real. Well, 99% of the time I agree with that statement but when you are dealing with something like cancer I think it becomes different. Or at least it is different for me right now where I am at.

You see, I haven't received that clean slate yet. I haven't been given the good news that I am all clear. We are still in the "hoping" stage. I have also been down this road before. In August after I had finished all of my chemo and went in for my scan.... they fully anticipated me being clear then.... but I wasn't. Again, they are fully anticipating me being clear now... but...that is when the "what if's" creep in.

I struggle greatly with staying grounded enough to face reality. My reality. The reality of my situation. But also clinging to the hope and even allowing myself to dream a bit. To dream of the elation I will feel when I hear those words... the cancer is gone. It. Is. Finished. Do I dare let myself dream? Do I dare let my mind hope such a big hope. Yes, I believe all things are possible. I have faith that God can heal me if that is his plan. But it seems so much harder to pick yourself up off the floor when you have let yourself dream so big - doesn't it? But by guarding my heart am I having true faith?

But... that is also where God meets me and is meeting me this very moment as I write this. The fact remains that even if I don't get the news that I want he will still be right here with me. The fact remains that if I do have to go in for more treatment... I'm going to do it. I have too many reasons to keep pressing on. The fact remains that he will give me the strength I need when I need it.

I remember having a conversation with another lady who had been battling cancer for many years - her boys are young too. And she made the comment that we won't ever give up because we are moms. Even if we are getting sick non-stop (okay, so she said puking - let's not sugar coat things here) that we would press on for our kids. She is right. I will press in whatever my reality will be in 21 days. But until then - I will continue to hope and maybe even allow myself to dream a bit.

God bless you all in this wonderful season. If you wouldn't mind saying an extra prayer or two over the next few weeks for me and, of course, my family I would greatly appreciate it.

Blessings and Love,
Andrea