Struggles of Today....

It is important to me that I document the emotions that I am going through as we go along. I find that it is impossible to describe them accurately later on. So, here we go.

I am battling. I am battling between the peace that God is giving me and the fear that the enemy is trying to plant. It takes constant effort to keep my focus on the cross and I realize once again how exhausting it is mentally, emotionally, and most of all spiritually.

There is a lot at stake today and many of the issues I haven't even articulated yet. They just float around in my mind. But I will do my best to articulate them now.

Basically it comes down to this - they have given me the first line of defense when it comes to Hodgkin's Lymphoma. They can only give me four more treatments of this particular type of chemo and the doctor said last time that he wasn't even sure that if they would work. Evidently, the cancer cells can be resistant to chemo - which we see all the time when treatment doesn't work for certain people. It is hard to believe that as bad as it makes you feel that it wouldn't be able to kill every last thing.

Anyway, so what I struggle with is the fact that if this line of treatment doesn't work then I will be relying on a second line of treatment and there is a reason that it is the second line - it isn't as effective.

That is what I am struggling with right now. Not the idea of going through more treatment. I will go through whatever I need to in order to get even one more minute with my husband and my children.... it is the even bigger pictures. So, with each and every moment, each and every prayer, I am continually laying those thoughts down and clinging to the peace that God is providing me.