Learning to Have {Grace} for Me

Even I, even now, with so much to be grateful for, get frustrated. Mainly I get frustrated with myself. I just can't do all the things I want to. I feel like I am operating at 10% of full capacity and it just irritates me to no end.

The other day we were talking to some friends and this topic came up. He referred to me as a "high achiever". I had never thought of myself that way before. I just do what I do. But I do have to admit that he is probably right.

I will blame my parents. Just kidding. It sounded like a funny thing to say and so often in our society we end up blaming others for our issues but that is a whole other blog. Just for the record - I do not blame my parents nor anyone else. I completely own this issue as my own.

Anyway, they (meaning the cancer treatment staff) warned me against this. They said that when I finished my treatment that I would be expected to just jump back into life full force even though my body had just gone through the wash and rinse cycle over and over again for months on end. They were right. But it isn't everyone else that puts these expectations on me - or at least they don't verbalize it. I have found that it is actually me! (For those of you who know me well - I know you are probably not surprised. I am sure you are saying something like, "Um yeah, of course you are!" But for myself - this is a painful realization.)

You see, I have never been a very good patient (you can ask my beloved husband - I irritate him to no end). If he has a headache, he takes a couple of pain relievers and lays down for a bit. As for me - I forget to take the pain relievers (until he reminds me) and end up cleaning my kitchen because laying there in pain absolutely drives me nuts. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying my husband is a wimpy guy. I mean, just look at him! He is the strongest man I know and I have plenty of stories to back this up as a factual statement. However, he gets very embarrassed when I start breaking those out so I will save those for later ;-). What I am saying is that my behavior is not always "normal" in these types of situations.

Even after I had each of my children, I was up and ready to go two hours after I had them. That is just the way I operate. So, why would now be any different...

But now, I look around my house and see that it needs to be cleaned. So I clean it. Then I can barely get out of bed for three days. I repeat this behavior time and time again. Instead, I should do a little at a time... but nooooo.... I just don't seem to learn that lesson.

I have these expectations of myself and they are totally unrealistic for what I have just gone through - yet I still have them and I still get so frustrated when I fall short - even though I know I am going to fall short. It is a viscous, never-ending cycle. My expectations just continually exceed my ability at this time.

So, I am learning how to be grateful for the things I can do and to not beat myself up for the things I can't. I am learning that no matter how badly I want to do something - sometimes I just don't have the energy to do them. I am definitely learning how to prioritize in a major way. I am also learning that it is okay to allow myself the time I need to recover and baby-step my way back into this thing called life.  Ultimately, I am learning how to have grace for me.... something I am realizing that I have never had much of in the past.