My Difficult Day

This has been a difficult day. I wrote my blog post earlier to only find that I was being blocked from sharing the link on Facebook. Evidently someone had flagged my blog as "abusive and/or spammy". I have to tell you that this really hurt my feelings more than anything else, so if that was what the person was going for - well then they succeeded.

As I have written each word on here I have literally poured out my heart. I have been as authentic as I could possibly be - in a way that wasn't always comfortable. It has definitely gotten me "out of my box" that is for sure.

Most of you probably won't believe this but I am actually a very private person. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve and generally Jason is the only one who can really tell if I am upset by something. God has worked on me a bit in all of those areas to say the least and from the very beginning I knew this was something I had to do. I had to share. I had to share for all of those who couldn't, for all of those who were about to go through the same journey I have been on, and for those who love someone going through something similar as to what I am going through.

People have to know how hard it is and for those who are going through something difficult - they have to know that they aren't alone. If God can use me to do those things then it is worth it to me to go through such struggles. So, to have someone classify this as "abusive or spammy" was tough for me.

I have moved past that (and got it worked out with Facebook). I just realized that it was the enemy trying to keep me from doing what I do and we all know that it isn't going to stop me from writing. It is too much of who I am. I would be lost without this form of expression.

So, now on to the rest of my day... we do what we call a "circle prayer" at dinner time. We join hands and each person at the table prays. My children love this.

For the last 11 months I have listened to my children pray for me over and over. "Please God, make my mommy's sickness go away." I tried so hard to protect them from all of this but even at their young ages they knew what was at stake without us even having to tell them.

After my scan on Wednesday, the following day my 6-year-old asked me if I would need any more treatment or if my sickness had gone away. I didn't even realize that he knew I was having a scan done.

Tonight though, it was my 12-year-old. He said that his only prayer was for me to be cancer-free. He prayed so hard and so passionately for me. I know that if I don't get the results that we are hoping for tomorrow that it isn't just going to affect me.... and I think that is the hardest of all. I want them to have their life back too. I want them to have their mom back. I don't want them to have to say these types of prayers anymore. But I have no control over any of that.

Tonight as everyone sleeps - I am still awake. Wondering... and yes, worrying a bit. (I have to be honest.) I remember our former pastor giving a sermon one time and he said that, "worrying is temporary atheism." And he is right. He explained that when we are worrying we are doubting that God is in control. So, each time I start to worry, that pops in my head and it is like being stabbed in the heart. I love God so much and I know He has got this. He has gone before me and is with me now. It is not God that I doubt. It is me. Can I really do this? Can I really go through more treatment if I have to?....

The answer is yes. All you have to do is look at the top of this page and see those four beautiful faces. That is all the inspiration I need. I will do what I need to do. I will fight until my last breath. No matter what tomorrow brings - it will not mean defeat. There will be victory as God will be glorified no matter what.

So, tonight there is a great deal of prayer in my future and once again - like I have done a thousand times before - I will be surrendering it all.

Thank you for reading. I bet you had no idea that you would be reading something so offensive that it would be banned from Facebook because we all know what kind of things can appear on Facebook. I know, I am such a trouble-maker. ;-)

Blessings,
Andrea