Two years ago today was the day that I delivered our 4th baby boy. The day before we found out that he no longer had a heartbeat. I ended up going into labor at home much earlier than the doctor expected and it went so fast that I did not make it to the hospital in time to have him.
He was so tiny that he fit into one hand from fingers to palm and was perfectly formed. I held him as long as I could before I had to say goodbye. His daddy took him from me, carefully wrapped him up, and that was the last that I saw of him until I finally see him in Heaven again someday.
We named him John Andrew Gressman. John is after Jason's grandpa and Andrew is after me. My heart continues to ache for him.
I was telling my nurse yesterday about him and I made mention that I know he is in Heaven and I know people think I should just let it go now and move on. Her answer: "It is completely natural for a mother to love her baby." So, I am no longer going to try to justify my grief. The babies I have lost in the past will forever be etched on my heart. Because of my love for them - they will never be forgotten.
Today is a tough one. I don't feel well at all from my chemo yesterday and in a few hours I will get a shot that will make me sleep for the next few days. Thank you for allowing me to share this about my baby boy now and allowing me to honor him in this little way.
Hard hard days. Praying, girl.
ReplyDeleteOh Marisa, I know you and Adam know even more so the pain of today. I just had the most joyful image though - your Maggie Olivia and my John Andrew playing together in Heaven.
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