Kearyn's Story....Part 1

Most of our friends and family know the struggles that we have gone through having our four children. I have not hid the fact that we have lost 5 babies due to miscarriage and the pain that we have experienced through those losses. Many of you were there when we lost our little boy last year half way through my pregnancy and witnessed and even experienced some of the heartache that we went through. Many of you may be asking yourself at this very moment what this has to do with Kearyn as this is suppose to be her story. A story of joy and laughter not one of such heartache. My answer to you....everything.

I am often  asked why we didn't give up on having our children. Why we didn't stop trying after our second, third or fourth miscarriage. My answer....God didn't let me. I tried to give up, I really did. There was a point where I said that I could not take anymore heartache and that I was done. I remember having that very conversation with Jason, my husband, as if it were yesterday. I told him that we were very blessed to have ours son, Cale, and that he would probably be the most spoiled child on the planet but he was our blessing and I was going to cherish every minute that I could with him. A few months later I surprisingly found out I was expecting Ky, our second son. Twenty-two months after Ky was born we had Creide, our third son.

When I found out I was expecting our fourth son in February 2009 our heads were spinning a little but we had a great deal of joy in our hearts. When we lost him my world was rocked to say the least. I found myself in such a dark place of grief and sadness. A despair that I had never known before. I had let my guard down. We were well past the first trimester. I had allowed myself to fall deeply in love with this baby and then so suddenly he was gone....

To make things even worse I had physical complications that went along with the loss and it was the only time in my life where I truly wondered if I was going to make it. I remember praying to God over and over that he keep me here for my boys. God was faithful and kept me here for my boys. It took me four months to recover physically but much longer to recover emotionally. (I am not sure if that is a journey that I will ever actually complete to be honest with you.)

Then there was that whisper I began to hear once again. A whisper from deep in my heart. A promise that God had placed there years and years before. A promise that I would have four children. As we read in Isaiah 7 about the promise of  the birth of Jesus it was like He wrote his promise to me to have my four children just as clearly in my heart. I just kept feeling this tug to try again, try again, try again. But every time I would talk to my husband about this he was not so agreeable. You see, he was the one that had to scoop me up that night and rush me to the hospital. He was the one left waiting in the waiting room as they took me back to the operating room. As I was put under he was very much awake. He not only lost his baby that night but he had so nearly lost his wife as well and he did not want to risk that again.

But as time went on God spoke into his heart as well and he agreed to try one more time. That was only the beginning of this journey. The beginning of this story. Kearyn's story.....

Stay tuned for Part 2 of our precious baby girl's story....

Kearyn Jaedance Gressman

May 31, 2010