Yesterday and today mark very sad days for us. 3 years ago yesterday we found out that our little boy no longer had a heartbeat and as much as I prayed for a miracle it was not my miracle to be had. 3 years ago today marks the one an only time I got to hold him before I had to say goodbye.
This year is very different for me and I feel like I am grieving in a whole new way. 1 year after we lost our little boy I was a month and 10 days away from delivering my baby girl. Her pregnancy was filled with anxiety for me as I was so afraid something was going to happen to her as well. I spent many days in almost constant prayer in order to deal with my anxiety. So when one year rolled around it was as if I was white knuckling it - afraid to let myself feel the full impact of the sadness in fear that it might hurt my baby girl. I know that probably does not make any sense but it was where I was at the time.
Last year, year 2, was equally complicated and hard. I actually had to have my 6th chemo treatment. I can tell you that the last thing I wanted to do on this day was go through chemo. Going through chemo always took so much focus for me. It took a great deal of positive thinking as well and how can you think positively when you are grieving? It was also the day that I received the news that I would not be receiving the 8 treatments like we had thought. No, instead I would now need 12. This just compounded my grief for the day to say the least.
Today though, it is different. In a way I am grateful because I can just feel sad for my boy. I am grateful because it isn't so complicated. I can think of him and just cry my tears. Sure, I still have to be mom to my other four and we even have a baseball game that we will go to and we will cheer our 2nd son on with all of our hearts. But I am just thankful for an easier year where the grief isn't so complicated and hard.
I would just like to take a moment and remember all of the babies that have been lost due to miscarriage. Having lost 5 myself I know the pain and heartache that goes along with this type of loss all too well.
Everyone handles the grief differently. For me the pain was always very deep and long. I watched others who seemed to handle it much better than I. The important thing to remember is that grieving is a very personal thing and a miscarriage is still a loss no matter how far along you were. It still hurts.
Blessings to those who have experienced a loss of any kind. May God shower you abundantly with love and mercy.
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