Yikes! God was super tricky on this one...
My scan was scheduled for Monday. (Yes, Labor Day.)
It was scheduled so long ago that I guess no one noticed it was a holiday.
Until yesterday.
I received a call saying they wanted to move it.
So, they moved it to tomorrow!
It really just hit me.
I have not had my normal prep time to pray, freak out and hyperventilate (just kidding - I honestly don't do that.)
But I didn't realize how much of a routine I have when it comes to these things. Here is a bit of a rundown:
1.) Ignore it.
Honestly, this is the only way to describe what I do. I really just don't think about it that much.
I have described it before as like waking up from a bad dream. You have to think about whether or not it really happened or not because it is all such a blur. That is me. I feel like I am just waking up but instead of saying, "Oh, that was just a dream..." I get to say, "Oh, that really did happen."
2.) Start praying about it.
About 2 weeks before, I do start to think of it just a little and every time I do think about it I just pray. My worry level is still very very low at this point.
3.) Pray more.
About 2-3 days before, I have to start praying more as I do start to think about it more. I do get those butterflies a bit and I just have to pray through it.
I honestly feel like I keep my worry in check pretty well. Of course, I am human. but as I have shared before, I feel like worrying about it is a giant waste of time. It does nothing for tomorrow and only robs my joy of today.
If, in fact, I had to go back into treatment do I really want my last days before going into treatment worrying about whether or not I will have to go back into treatment or not? That was a lot to just write - I can't imagine it continually swirling around uncontrollably in my brain.
The answer.
No.
Absolutely not.
I refuse to let cancer rob any more of my joy. I know I am stuck on this roller-coaster for a while but I can choose if I am going to enjoy the ride or scream out in fear the whole time.
It isn't always easy but it is still my choice.
And this is the way I am choosing to walk it out.
But...
I still wouldn't mind your prayers. :-)
Or thoughts.
Or whatever you do.
Just as long as it's nice. :-)
Thank you all for your continual love and support through this "roller-coaster ride". It means a lot that you still pray, still read, still care.
Blessings.
Praying
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