September: {Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month}

September.

It means many things to our family. 

The birthday month of our littlest boy.

Other special birthdays of family members and friends.

An anniversary month for my grandparents.

But it also means that it is the Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month as well.

If I could - I would forget all about this cancer.

But I can't.

And I never will.

Hodgkin's Lymphoma makes up around 1% of all cancers. 

It also has a very high survival rate.

If it is caught early. 

People constantly ask me what my first symptom was. 

For me, it was a lump in my neck. 

Right above my color bone.

But that is not the only sign or symptom.

And every situation is different.

I am happy to share my story with anyone who asks. 

For now.

I will just ask you to pray.

Not just for my family.

But for the next family that will be diagnosed and doesn't even know if yet.

Pray that God gives them that peace beyond all understanding.

That they cling to Him as the world as they know it is shattered.

Pray that God gives the doctor's and nurses the wisdom to treat them.

And that God gives them the strength to endure. 

Even though I do not know that family by name.

My heart breaks for them.

But all I can do is pray. 

 

I don't know if you remember the banner I designed last year. You can take a look at that here: September Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness Month 2011

I actually think I like this design even better. :-)

Please feel free to download and share. 

Spread the awareness.

Spread the love. 

Bless you all. 

Coping with Fear

I like to document the tough stuff as I am going through it.
This is not easy as it forces me to be very vulnerable.
However, I feel that this is what God wants me to do.
So, I do it.

First, I want to help others.
And it is so much easier for someone to relate to me if they are reading my words as I am going through something.
Not days or even weeks later as I am trying to remember how I was feeling.
They can say - yeah, I feel exactly the same way.
Or, that is a different perspective.
And maybe even the occasional - wow, she's crazy.
But whatever their reaction, they can see that I am coming from a very real and honest place.
And that is important to me.

Second, this helps me greatly to process what I am going through.
It forces me to look at the real issues behind whatever I am facing.
Deal with them.
Pray about them.
And.
Hopefully.
Experience healing.

Help for others.
Healing for me.
Those are good things and when you deal with cancer you need all the good things your can get.

So, the issue.
I have been dealing with fear lately.
Namely - the fear that the cancer is back.

This is a common fear I know.
Nearly every person that has battled cancer has shared the same fear at one point or another.
This fear also accompanies the fear of dying.
At least for me it does.
I don't want to speak for anyone else.

Honestly, I am just not ready to die.
Pure and simple.
That is as honest as I can be right there.
But I do realize how little control I have over that...

Anyway, I have been dealing with this fear thing.
And I wanted to share how I really cope with it.
What works for me and maybe even what doesn't.
Not sure where this is going really.

I have identified my fear as the fear of the unknown.
I don't know if the cancer is still gone or if it is back.
If it is back, will I die?
Might as well cut to the chase and be brutally honest.
Otherwise, what's the point?

Strangely, I don't fear treatment.
Treatment stinks.
In fact, if I were to ever choose a time to use stronger language that would be entirely inappropriate - this would probably be that time.
But I will refrain.
I know, such a rebel.

But I honestly can go through any treatment that is thrown at me...
As long as I live.
That is my heart right there.

I want to see my babies grow up.
I want to see them graduate.
I want to see them get married.
I want to be a grandma.
I want to have old people problems.
Whatever those are.
I want them.
I want to see my husband's hair turn gray.
I want to hold his wrinkled hand.
I want to have piles and piles of precious memories.
And when I finally get to the end of my days my family can celebrate because I lived enough.
Right now I just don't feel like I have lived enough yet.

Yes, I am crying.
So, if you are crying too then we will just cry together.

I have a few more days before I officially find out my results.
(Wednesday, for those of you who are wondering.)

So, I have a choice.
I can spend those days consumed by fear, crying non-stop.
Thinking of the "what-if's" and "unknowns".
Isolating myself from the world - and maybe even my family.

But, honestly, what good is that going to do?
None.

So, how do I get control of it?
Here is what I do...

For me, I focus on the known.
1.) I just had my blood work done in June and it looked good. There was no cause of concern then.
2.) We were prayerful and thoughtful about my treatment. God gave us a peace about it and I walked it out 100%.
3.) Just because I know people who are going back into treatment does not mean I will have to go back into treatment. Everyone is different. Every case is unique. Each cancer is different.
4.) The cure rate for the cancer I had is very high. Almost the best you can get when it comes to cancer.
5.) Even if the cancer is back that does not automatically mean that I am going to die. (This is a big one here.)
6.) Ultimately God is in control. Whether the cancer is still gone or it is back - God will give me the strength I need to get through it and do what I need to do. 

It is important to realize that because I am struggling with this issue does not mean that I am having a crisis in faith.
I say that because when you are standing on this end and you receive people's reactions - it feels like that is sometimes implied.
I know God's goodness.
Even today.

What this does mean is that I am human.
It does mean that I understand that God's will may be different than my will.
It means that I respect that just because I am a Christian that does not mean that my life is going to be rainbows and lollipops.
I am going to go through hard things.
Life is going to be hard sometimes.
After all, look at what Jesus endured.
Without sin.
He died for our sin.
The ultimate.
If He went through that, what makes me think that I won't have to go through hard things too.
After all, He was the son of God.

Yes, I cling to my faith.
I cling to my hope.
And God gives me the courage.

I pray for peace.
And I know I will find it.
Sometimes it just takes a little time.
And focusing on what I KNOW.

And what I know is...
That God is Good.
All the Time.

Thanks for reading.

Bad Cancer Day...

My lack of blogging in the last couple of weeks had not been due to bad things.
It has actually been the opposite.

We have been trying to soak up every last minute of summer before we start school.
But more of that later.

Today, however, was not the best day I have ever had.
I am not sharing this because I want to sound selfish in any way.
This is not about me.
This is about sharing my heart every step of this journey to help others.
Even on my bad days when I would prefer to remain quiet.

I feel called to do this to give those who may not have the words a voice to represent what they are gong through.

I feel called to do this to give those who might be looking for a way to help someone in my situation some perspective on some of the things the person they are trying to help may be dealing with.

So, what made this day so difficult? Here is a rundown...

It started with me going to church.
I ran into a friend that I actually went through radiation with.
She gave me the news that her cancer was back.
I tried desperately  to fight back the tears for her.
I failed.

I know her heart.
I know her desire to stay here on this earth to raise her little girl.
I know her fear.
I would do anything to make it all better for her and I can't.
All I can do is pray.

This hit me hard.
It hit me hard for her.
It hit me hard for me.

First, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to know you have to go back into treatment again.
The first time around is hard enough.
But the one thing you do have is ignorance.
Ignorance to the fact of how hard it is really going to be.
The second time around you don't have that anymore.
You know.
And you have to do it anyway.

She is the 4th or 5th person that I was in treatment with that their cancer has come back.
I would be lying if I said that this does not cause me fear for my own cancer journey.
And, this always seems to happen right before I go in for my own scans.

My next scan is only a couple of weeks away.
The battle of the mind began today.
I am praying diligently that I can get it in control again quickly.

Next, our church had a concert tonight where Audrey Assad was the performer.
She shared that last September her husband was diagnosed with cancer.
Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
The same cancer I had.

Then, she shares that she has a friend who is dying this week.
Yes, from cancer.
She has two small children she will be leaving behind.
Even now my tears flow.

My heart just hurts so badly for that family.
My heart also screams, "No, please don't let this happen to me!"
Please God, allow me to stay here.

I just want to raise my children.
I just want to be a wife to my husband.

Finally, we were driving home...
I was just about to ask Jason about his thoughts on all this mention of cancer.
Just at that moment a mom came on the radio and started talking about her 3 year old having cancer.

So, my heart is heavy with so many things tonight.
Sadness.
Worry.
Fear.

Yet, all I can do is remain hopeful.
Keep my faith.
Know that God has already gone before me.
Pray.

And as my husband so gently reminded me of a couple of different times today....

Don't limit God.

Where My {HEART} Has Been

Does your heart ever just feel heavy?
Mine has lately.
I am sure I am not alone

The Aurora Shooting.
My heart has just been breaking for the 12 that were killed and their families.
I took some time to see their faces, learn their names, hear just a part of their story and what wonderful people they were, and cry tears for them. (I visited {here}.)

Then there are the others who are still recovering from their injuries. One special mama really touched my heart. Her six year old daughter was killed and she is in the hospital fighting for her life. The report I mentioned above said that she was in and out of consciousness and they had not told her yet that her daughter was gone.

I have no words to describe the sadness and pain that is in my heart for her. I just cannot even imagine being in that situation and what the entire family must be going through.
I can only pray.


The Columbine Shooting.
If you live in Colorado like we do, you can't have something happen like the Aurora shooting that doesn't take you back to the tragedy of the Columbine shooting.

Some of you may know that my husband worked for the sheriff's dept. that handled the Columbine shooting. Without going into a lot of detail, I can tell you that my husband's direct involvement in the aftermath of that tragic event is something that he has carried with him for the past 13 years and will carry with him for the rest of his life.

We think of and pray often for the families who were affected by the that event often and always will.


Our Hometown Tragedy
This week also marked the 3 year anniversary of our own hometown tragedy where a local police officer lost his life and two other police officers were injured. 

We have taken time to specifically remember and pray for {all} those who were affected by this tragedy.



My {heart} is heavy for these tragedies.


My {heart} mourns for those who were lost.


My {heart} grieves for those who have to survive those losses.


My {heart} prays.  

Photo of the Day: {The Foot of the Cross}

 I have to be honest...I love this photo - my daughter playing at the foot of the cross. It is this mama's prayer that each of my children are always able to find their way here and receive the comfort that it brings.

Happy Sunday.

So I Survived Cancer, Now What?.... A Book Perhaps?

This is something that has been on my heart since I was still going through treatment. I just didn't know the story that God wanted me to tell until about a month ago. That is when it was laid on my heart to write a book directed at other young mothers who have been diagnosed with cancer.

I remember feeling so many emotions when I was diagnosed. One of which was a lot of confusion. How was I going to get through this with four children? How was I going to be a wife and mother and STILL make it through my treatments? It was questions like that that formed the theme of my book.

I am very excited about it but I do need a lot of prayer. I feel like this is the last element to my personal healing and it is definitely challenging me in a new way that I am enjoying immensely. But with my lack of energy it is easy to put this project on the back burner to all of the other obligations that I have right now.

So, if you could be praying for the energy I need to complete this. Also, that it is what God wants me to say to these mama's in such a desperate and lonely time and that I can provide them hope if nothing else. Again, I am very excited about it and can't wait to keep giving you updates...:-)

Blessings,
Andrea

Moving Forward...5 Tips on How to Get Going

I was actually writing about something else today and this topic was just laid very heavy on my heart so I switched gears.

I feel very much like I am starting over in life. Now this is both good and bad. It wasn't like my life was bad before. I loved my life. But obviously that season needed to come to an end for me so a new season could begin. (scripture reference: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

This can happen for many reasons - not just because of an illness. We see this happen when people go through a divorce, a death of a loved one, a career change, maybe when your children grow up and leave home... the reason isn't so much of the focus here but more of what happens next.

I feel like I just woke up from a long sleep and everything is different now. The schedule that I had once lived by is non-existent. I had to let go of all the activities and groups that I was apart of before as well. My kids are different for this has changed them too. My relationship is different with my husband, my other family members, as well as my friends. Again, different doesn't necessarily mean bad... it is just that...different. And it all takes time to adjust.

But in the midst of all of these changes you can feel a bit overwhelmed. You wonder how you even begin to move forward. You look around your house, you look at your relationships, and you look at all you need to do -  and it can be very intimidating.

As I was processing this today, I thought of how easy it could be to do nothing. Just retreat. Just say that it is too big and give up allowing the illness, divorce, loss, relationship change, career status, or whatever else that may be causing this to consume you - to become your identity.

It would be so easy to isolate yourself and never become the new person God is calling you to be and never enjoy the fruits of the new season you are being called to live in.

So, how do you move forward? How do you re-prioritize, re-establish, re-commit to things in this new season. Here are a few steps that I have come up with for myself that may help you as well if you find you are in the same situation I am in.

1. Pray. 

Ask God to give you the wisdom to know how you need to move forward. Ask him for the strength to do it. It is so easy to jump back into the "old life" and there are probably aspects of that old life that you will go back to but there may be some things that you were meant to let go of too.

I remember our old pastor giving a sermon one time on the things you do. He said just because God called you to do them 2 years ago does not mean he is calling you to do them today. That is so true and we must be prayerful about each and every thing before we place it back into our lives. Just because it was there before does not mean that it is meant to be there now.

2. Prioritize.

So after you pray, then God will help you set the priorities that you need to have. With my situation, I am dealing with a limited amount of energy. So, I can't have the list of priorities that I once had. I will share my list of priorities with you now and how I am currently addressing them.

My Faith - I know for a fact that I cannot let this slip one bit. I need to be continually seeking and growing in this area. How am I going to work on this - church, bible study, and actually writing believe it or not. I feel like my writing is a very strong form of worship in my life and it definitely keeps me centered and focused on the cross.

My Family - This is where things start to get more complicated for me. I want to pour into my family but I start to run out of energy very quickly. So, it has become more about the quality of time I spend with them right now and not necessarily the quantity of time. Now, don't get me wrong. I am with my children all of the time as they are at home with me so that equates to a lot of time being under the same roof as they are. But ultimately, if the quality is not there then that is just what it is - time under the same roof.

My goal is to make the moments I spend with my children as meaningful as possible. So, that means that I really engage with my oldest son when he has one of his conversations with me about ancient history, how some battle was fought and with what kind of weapons they used. Instead of thinking of other things, my focus is on him.

The same goes for my husband. Even if I only get 15 minutes with him before one of us has fallen asleep at night then that 15 minutes needs to be as meaningful as possible.

My Friends - Ultimately I know that I have not been a very good friend this past year. The thing about friendships is that they take some degree of energy and investment on both sides. When I was unable to make that investment some of my friendships weakened or were even lost. It doesn't make it easy by any means.

Because this is such a difficult area it is tempting to just throw myself back into these relationships full force. But once again I remind myself that I am still operating on a very limited level of energy and I must ease my way back into things. That leads me to my next tip....

3. Baby-steps.

As I mentioned before, it is very easy to become overwhelmed and then not want to do anything. You freeze-up because you just don't even know where to begin. The key here is to just start somewhere. Anywhere. And move forward with baby-steps. You don't have to be 100% overnight.

This doesn't even have to relate to a major event in your life. Perhaps you have just slipped a bit or wake up one day and don't like the choices you have made but are unsure of how to get back to where you need to be. Just make one baby-step in the direction you need to go. Maybe this means that you get back into the word a certain amount of time each day. If you are like me and are needing to reorganize your house - well, just start with one small section and go from there. Again, it is important to just move forward - not necessarily how much you move forward.

4. Grace.

Be sure to have grace for others as well as for yourself. I have found that people rarely understand the trial that you are in unless they have been there first hand themselves. But this doesn't mean that they don't want to understand.

Each time I share some of my experiences with a friend and they realize truly how hard chemo was and how badly it affected me - their perspective changes. They provide me the grace I need not to be expected to jump back into everything overnight.

You also need to have grace for yourself. I talked a great deal about this in a post I wrote a couple of days ago. (You can read that here.) You cannot have unreasonable expectations for yourself and if you fall short, then it is even more critical to have grace for yourself in those times as well.

5. Enjoy.

This is critical for me personally. I do miss different aspects of my life before all of this but I have so much to be joyful for in this new season as well. Any time I start to feel a bit overwhelmed I just think back to how far I have come, the victories I have seen, and the many things I have to be grateful for now.

So, if you are in a similar boat as I am in - maybe this post can be meaningful to you. Moving forward isn't always easy but definitely worth it.

The "Official" Cancer Update & Prayer Request

So, we were so overjoyed at the news that I am now a "cancer survivor" that I realized I never did a complete update on my situation. I know there are some of you who are wanting to know what is going on exactly so here it is...

As far as the PET scan is concerned I am at what they call a "complete response" - which meas that there is not any cancer being detected.

I do, however, have a spot in my chest. Evidently it is an enlarged lymph node and I guess this is common for the type of Hodgkin's Lymphoma that I had. So, they will basically just watch this spot until it goes away or if it doesn't go away I guess they will just keep watching it for the rest of my life.

I have my next CT scan on 2/20 and then meet with my oncologist a week or so after that. If I get a clear scan then, my oncologist will let me get my port out. That will be a happy day because this thing honestly drives me crazy.

From there I will see my oncologist every 3 month with a scan every 6 months. Once I hit the 2 year mark my risk for the HL to come back goes down significantly. When I hit 5 years it goes down even more. In 8 years they will start watching me closely for breast cancer as my risk for that is up due to the radiation.

So, if you would like to continue to pray for me I would of course appreciate that. Please pray that my scans continue to be clear and that the spot in my chest just goes away so we don't have to worry about that.

Anyway, that is the situation for now. It really does feel so good to know that I won't have to have anymore treatment. I really don't know what to do with myself right now but I am sure I will figure something out. As of now, I am just trying to give myself the rest that I need. They say that it takes just as long to recover as it did to go through treatment so I am looking at another 8 months or so in order to get back to normal.

Thanks again for all of the prayers and other support so many of you have offered over this past year. We couldn't have done this without you and, of course, without God. For He receives all of the glory for giving me the strength and will to get to this point and for placing so many wonderful people in my life to help us in our time of need. I am truly grateful for each and every second HE has given me. They are a precious gift.

Blessings and Love,
Andrea

Lesson of Today: Keep Your Sense of Humor and God Will Provide [Even Toilet Paper]

I could not help but to blog about this today. It was just one of those moments. Let me explain...

So, Jason and I were having some prayer time this morning. This is always a struggle in our house. Mainly it is the baby who does not like that she cannot have access to everyone she wants to have access to. Her brothers do a great job of trying to distract her long enough for us to get through this process but you still get the occasional door knock with a little 19-month-old girl on the other side saying, "Ma-ma, Da-da, Ma-ma, Da-da..... Da-da-da-da-da-da.....Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma..." you get the point.

Anyway, we were pressing on trying to focus regardless of the distractions and then it comes to our quiet time..... The house was actually relatively quiet and it was very refreshing. Then I hear screaming. I am trying to make out the words of our four year old and I finally hear...."Somebody help me please... I need toilet paper!" What do you do with that? I mean really?!!?

So, I do what a lot of Christians do in that moment and take away the lesson that God is providing.... My lesson.... always keep your sense of humor and God will always provide for you... even if it is toilet paper.

Wherever you are today I hope that you too are able to keep your sense of humor... and that you have toilet paper too.

Have a great day!

Andrea

My Difficult Day

This has been a difficult day. I wrote my blog post earlier to only find that I was being blocked from sharing the link on Facebook. Evidently someone had flagged my blog as "abusive and/or spammy". I have to tell you that this really hurt my feelings more than anything else, so if that was what the person was going for - well then they succeeded.

As I have written each word on here I have literally poured out my heart. I have been as authentic as I could possibly be - in a way that wasn't always comfortable. It has definitely gotten me "out of my box" that is for sure.

Most of you probably won't believe this but I am actually a very private person. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve and generally Jason is the only one who can really tell if I am upset by something. God has worked on me a bit in all of those areas to say the least and from the very beginning I knew this was something I had to do. I had to share. I had to share for all of those who couldn't, for all of those who were about to go through the same journey I have been on, and for those who love someone going through something similar as to what I am going through.

People have to know how hard it is and for those who are going through something difficult - they have to know that they aren't alone. If God can use me to do those things then it is worth it to me to go through such struggles. So, to have someone classify this as "abusive or spammy" was tough for me.

I have moved past that (and got it worked out with Facebook). I just realized that it was the enemy trying to keep me from doing what I do and we all know that it isn't going to stop me from writing. It is too much of who I am. I would be lost without this form of expression.

So, now on to the rest of my day... we do what we call a "circle prayer" at dinner time. We join hands and each person at the table prays. My children love this.

For the last 11 months I have listened to my children pray for me over and over. "Please God, make my mommy's sickness go away." I tried so hard to protect them from all of this but even at their young ages they knew what was at stake without us even having to tell them.

After my scan on Wednesday, the following day my 6-year-old asked me if I would need any more treatment or if my sickness had gone away. I didn't even realize that he knew I was having a scan done.

Tonight though, it was my 12-year-old. He said that his only prayer was for me to be cancer-free. He prayed so hard and so passionately for me. I know that if I don't get the results that we are hoping for tomorrow that it isn't just going to affect me.... and I think that is the hardest of all. I want them to have their life back too. I want them to have their mom back. I don't want them to have to say these types of prayers anymore. But I have no control over any of that.

Tonight as everyone sleeps - I am still awake. Wondering... and yes, worrying a bit. (I have to be honest.) I remember our former pastor giving a sermon one time and he said that, "worrying is temporary atheism." And he is right. He explained that when we are worrying we are doubting that God is in control. So, each time I start to worry, that pops in my head and it is like being stabbed in the heart. I love God so much and I know He has got this. He has gone before me and is with me now. It is not God that I doubt. It is me. Can I really do this? Can I really go through more treatment if I have to?....

The answer is yes. All you have to do is look at the top of this page and see those four beautiful faces. That is all the inspiration I need. I will do what I need to do. I will fight until my last breath. No matter what tomorrow brings - it will not mean defeat. There will be victory as God will be glorified no matter what.

So, tonight there is a great deal of prayer in my future and once again - like I have done a thousand times before - I will be surrendering it all.

Thank you for reading. I bet you had no idea that you would be reading something so offensive that it would be banned from Facebook because we all know what kind of things can appear on Facebook. I know, I am such a trouble-maker. ;-)

Blessings,
Andrea

{rad-i-a-tion}

Tomorrow marks the 3rd week since I have been done with my treatment and I have been tinkering with this blog post for about 2 weeks. I am not quite sure why I haven't finished it by now. Maybe because I was just happy not to be thinking about radiation, treatment in general, and most importantly - cancer.

Whenever you are diagnosed with something like cancer (or really anything major along the same lines) it becomes so much a part of your life - whether you like it or not. It also becomes a part of who you are. It becomes a part of your testimony. But where the true battle comes in is not letting it take over and define who you are.

Yes, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Yes, I went through 6 months of chemotherapy. Yes, I went through a month of radiation. But I am not those things. They are a part of what I have done but they don't define me.

I am certain that there are many of you who can relate to what I am saying. You have these big things that happen to you, they may even change who you are completely, but they don't take over your identity. Or at least you fight like crazy to no let them.

Anyway, I don't quite know why I got off on that little tangent but I will refocus....

October meant a month of radiation for me. 20 treatments to be exact.

Prior to being diagnosed with cancer I was rather clueless as to what most of these treatment terms really meant. Honesty, I had no idea what Hodgkin's Lymphoma (or "Hodgkin's Disease" as so many are use to calling it) really was. Boy, has that changed.

I had heard of  chemo and I knew chemo was not good. EVERYONE knows chemo is not good. But I really had no idea  exactly what chemo entailed. I knew even less about radiation - so I had no idea what to expect. (With the exception of sitting next to a little old lady in a waiting room one time where she informed me that I should be SO grateful that I only had to go through chemo [this was before I knew I had to have radiation] because radiation was SO much worse than chemo. At this point I made up my mind that I never never never wanted to have radiation because if chemo was kicking my tail as badly as it was.... there was no way I could survive radiation. (Hmmm.... this may be the explanation of why I had such issues going into radiation....)

So, obviously I know a lot more about radiation now that I have gone through it myself.

Here is where I always like to include my legal disclaimer..... All cancers are different. Therefore, all cancer treatments are different. And to even complicate things further - we all react differently to our own cancer treatments. So, when I tell you how it was for me that does not mean that it will be this way for the next person. Okay, that is the end of my disclaimer....

I always like to share my experiences - not because I want sympathy for myself - but because I want people to perhaps have a bit more compassion for the next person they encounter that is battling cancer.

I know when any of us hear about someone being diagnosed with the "big C" our hearts always sink. We know the treatment isn't going to be pretty and the road is going to be long and hard but do we really know what the road looks like for them? No. And you aren't going to know from my story either. But you can know what questions to ask. You might just know a little more than you did before and for me, that is what this is all about. Informing one another so that we are better equipped to help one another.

If one person is loved on just a bit more because of what I have gone through - well then it makes it that much better for everyone involved now doesn't it.

So, back to radiation. First of all, I only received a little over half of what someone with say breast cancer would receive. So in that regard, mine was a lot easier. There were several things that concerned me about radiation and I shared many of those on here before. Namely, because of my age, it increases my risk of a secondary cancer. But after spending some time on my knees - okay, let's be honest, a great deal of time on my knees I have surrendered that to God and moved on. Really, what can I do about it? If I can't beat the first cancer, it does me no good to worry about a second one.

However, when I went in to do my "dry run" (yes, they actually do "radiation practice" before they start the real thing) they drew this thing that was the size of Texas on my chest and neck. They had said that it was going to be "spot" radiation. The only place this sucker could have been considered a "spot" is if it was on a horse.

So, again, I had to return to my knees for a great deal of prayer time. Finally I was able to surrender that over to God as well. (Are we picking up on a common theme here? Lots of knee time, lots of surrendering. The story of my life it seems.)

When you go for radiation you have to go everyday (except for weekends). So my treatments took 4 weeks. That was probably the biggest pain of it all. Trying to re-arrange my family's entire schedule just so I could have radiation each day.

At first, I noticed nothing. Then after a few days I began to feel a lump in my throat when I would try to swallow. It wasn't painful - I just had to work a little harder to get the food down. Then it started to really hurt. So, of course when you know it is going to hurt to eat you pretty much lose your appetite. For those of you who are thinking - she should of just cranked up the milk shakes - it hurt to swallow liquids too. Darn it.

However, you cannot lose more than 5 pounds when you are going through radiation or they start to get super cranky at you. Prior to starting radiation they make a mold thingy (I use terms like "thingy" when I don't know what they are really called) that you have to lay in when you get zapped (don't know the technical term here either) and so if you lose weight then you don't fit into your "mold thingy" anymore. Talk about getting stressed out every week when it was "weigh-in day". I ended up losing  6 pounds but they didn't yell at me too much.

It also burns your skin. Mine did not burn too badly. I did break out in blisters about a week or two after I was done. (The side effects of radiation continue to get worse after you are done for a few weeks before they get better - isn't that nice.) But my side effects where no where near what many go through. There was a dear sweet lady that was going through radiation for breast cancer right after me and her skin was literally purple she was burned so bad. It hurt me just looking at her and to this day I still hurt for her.

Finally, there is the fatigue. And that is what I am still dealing with. With the chemo/radiation combo it is going to just take some time for me to be back to my old self again. They guesstimated 6-8 months. So, we will see how it goes.

Sorry this one is so long. Talk to you soon!

Andrea

Could it be any worse?

I actually try not to do that much research about my cancer which is very difficult for me because I am kind of a research junkie. I know, I know... weird. I love to learn about new things and I like to be informed as much as possible - especially when it comes to the health of my family. But with the cancer stuff it just gets to be depressing and the once vibrant ray of hope starts to fade as you read all these other stories of what people have had to go through - and when you are going through something like this you can't afford for that to happen.

Today, however, I could not resist and started reading some other "cancer blogs". It was then that I saw a lady who also has Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I think she was about my age and she had two children. But this is what broke my heart... she was 26 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child.... I felt like my heart stopped for a second when I read this.

Can you imagine that being your situation? This sweet mama being over half-way through her pregnancy and being diagnosed with cancer. She also stated that she was starting chemo that very next week and my heart stopped again. At that moment I praised God that he had spared me from having to make that decision because that very well could have been me.

When I was pregnant with my second son they found cancer cells and thought that I had cervical cancer. The one doctor told me that I would need to start treatment immediately. When I asked her what would happen to my baby - she said I would most likely lose him. This was just a thought I could not bare. I had lost four babies prior to finally getting pregnant with this baby and now they were expecting me to do this! I felt like they were asking me to choose between my two children - the one I had and the one that I was carrying inside me.

I quickly sought a second opinion and the second doctor said that they would just monitor me carefully throughout my pregnancy and as long as it didn't start spreading I would be fine - and I was. We now have our five year old son Ky and I can't imagine life without him. As tough as this situation was for me at the time - I cannot imagine what it would be like to be pregnant and diagnosed with something like Hodgkin's.

For those of you who are wondering what happened to the cervical cancer thing - well that was a God thing too. After I had Ky, they still found the cancer cells. In fact, for over a year every time I went in they found them. So what do I do.... I decided I wanted another baby. My fear was that if they did decide to treat me I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. So, I got pregnant with our third son and I fully expected to go through this whole thing all over again. But I went in and there were no cancer cells to be found. Perhaps that explains my shear belief this time around that God is going to heal me from this cancer too. He did it once - I know he can do it again.

I am sure I have shared this with you but I found my first symptom of Hodgkin's when my baby girl was just 2 weeks old. The next day I went into the doctor and they ran some tests and said that the lump (what we later found out was a tumor) in my neck was just a cyst. But the point is that my baby girl was only 2 weeks old. If we moved all of this up even a few months I would have been faced with this very similar situation.

My heart just ached for this mom. She only made one post and her last words were, "I am hoping and praying for the best possible outcome...." I don't know this lady's name, I don't know where she lives, but I am praying that same prayer for her as well. I am praying that same prayer for all of us who are facing cancer or anyone else who is facing tough a situation. And I am just grateful to God that this was not my own reality.

Update.....{Prayers Needed}

I have to tell you that I have really enjoyed this past month. It was 1 month ago yesterday that I had my last chemo treatment and I have really just tried to take some time to just refresh and refuel. It has been a very busy time as well - I feel like I am finally able to reintegrate myself into the world again. It is like I have been out of the loop for the last 6 months. I do still get very tired in the afternoons and this is something that I am not use to - I have never been very good a pacing myself. But it is a lesson that I am definitely learning now.

We also celebrated our oldest son's 12th birthday - no, I can't believe I have a 12-year-old! He had a great day, or week I should say. It seems like he has been celebrating all week. Isn't it great to be a kid. :-) I will be posting some pictures of his celebration here soon.

Anyway, I have received an update and I do require some extra prayer. I had my scan this past Wednesday and they did find a spot in my neck that they are concerned about. It took me a few days to even process this news and to even get to a place where I could post this information. It is the spot that I was concerned about myself - I can't remember if I mentioned it on here or not - so I can tell you that I wasn't that surprised but I was still disappointed. I don't even know if that makes sense.

Jason and I were blessed this past week with the opportunity to go to a leadership conference and we just loaded up on all kinds of information. Anyway, there was one quote that just seemed to be so perfect to describe what I feel right now. Here it goes...

"I believe that God is good.....even when life isn't." 

So, as some of you hear this news that I am sharing with you and feel the same disappointment that we are feeling right now - please remember that. God is good. He will be glorified through all of this. He has already gone before us and has this all planned out. I feel personally that I just must press the fear and the doubt out of my heart that so easily creeps in and I pray you can do the same. 

Please do not be angry with Him in any way.This is just another reminder that He is in absolute control - not me, not the doctors, not the chemo or the other treatments... God and God alone reigns this day and everyday. 

I do have a prayer request..... Please pray that this is absolutely nothing. Pray that the cancer is out of my body and gone for good. Pray for my family as they too have to walk this very long road with me. Cancer doesn't just affect the person who has it... it is a journey for all. 

Anyway, for my friends and family who so diligently read this and continually pray for me... I am forever grateful and I love you all. 

~Andrea

From the Mailbag: {Please Join Me in Prayer}

Moments ago I just received this comment and I just had to post it and request prayer immediately....

"I have just started reading your blog. I am only up to the part where you are requesting devotionals. I just have to tell you that my daughter in law has recently been diagnosed with T Cell lymphoma. It is also located in her upper chest area. She is the mother of three young children. I have sent her the address for your blog. I thought the two of you could get in touch with each other. Her name is Jeslyn."


I have to tell you that upon reading this I just started crying. I read it to Jason and I couldn't even get through it all. I am praying so hard for this mama.... please join me. Please raise her up as well as her sweet family. I remember that time so vividly - the unknowing, the fear... I pray that God gives her a peace beyond all understanding and that she and her family can feel God's love more now than ever. I pray that God gives her doctors the wisdom to know exactly what treatment she needs. I pray for God to heal her. I pray for the protection over her children - please God protect them. Just give them all the strength and wisdom that they need to get through this time.

In Jesus' precious name,
Amen

Please keep this family lifted in prayer.

My New Struggle: {Doubt}

Like I need a new struggle.... but I have one.... It is....

{Doubt}

This past week I have really struggled with this. The doubts just start creeping in and I have to literally stop whatever I am doing and pray it/them away. Some of your remember my post from February 19th, {Faith & Fear} - I tell you what, I just went back and re-read that post and talk about ministering to myself. There I was - only 2 weeks past being diagnosed and I was honestly in a better a place than I am in now. 

A few things have happened since that time... namely 9 more chemo treatments.... falsely thinking I would be done with chemo nearly a month ago... and I definitely wasn't so tired. Those are no excuses though... my focus should be on the cross no matter what. 

When I went back and read that {Faith & Fear} post I remembered mentioning having a fear of the "unknown" - well I think the "What if's" can be classified right along with the "unknown" category. 

What if ...... the cancer is not gone?

What if....... the chemo is not working?

What if....... I have to go through more treatments?

What if....... I get another type of cancer?

What if....... there is nothing they can do, I die anyway, and leave my husband with 4 small children to raise? You see, it isn't the death I fear - I know where I am going - it is the pain my family will have to endure if I do die. That is the thought that stings the most. 

I can go on forever. But I have to just completely stop myself. I have to pray, pray, pray and realize that once again this is not about me - it is about God and his will. And by playing the "what-if" game - I am not honoring him and I am not bringing glory to him. The chemo doesn't heal me - God does. The doctors aren't the ones that will keep me here - God will. If I have to go through more treatments....God will give me the strength. And if he does decide to take me home....He will never leave or forsake my husband or my children. He is in control and he has it all planned out - and he makes all things good....

Yes, it is easy to have faith when rainbows and lollipops are falling from the sky - it is much harder when life's adversities emerge. But as my pastor told me not so long ago... God is doing a work in my heart right now...... it is just up to me to let him do it. 

I know I am not the only one who has struggles at this time. I talk to people nearly everyday that have something just as big - and even bigger - than my cancer. My prayer for you is that you don't let the doubt creep in... pray it away just as quickly as it arrives. God is in control and he loves you just as he loves me. God is good - all the time. 

Creide's Prayer...

I could not help but to share Creide's prayer last night at the dinner table. I really wish I had a tape recorder....

At dinner time the boys love to do what they call "circle prayers". We all hold hands in a circle and we take turns saying a prayer. This works really well as it prevents them from fighting over who gets to pray. Yes, this does happen in our household.

Anyway, Creide started his little prayer....

"Dear God, thank you for this day... thank you for all our food... thank you for this day... I pray for my mommy's sickness to go away... and I pray that you don't let my brother's go to college....don't let Cale go to college... don't let Ky go to college.... because I don't want them to leave .... thank you God.. Amen."

It always amazes me at what they think about.

Update on Laundry Love...

Hello everyone! I just wanted to give you and update on the Laundry Love project that will be happening tomorrow. I just got word that 66 people (30 families) are pre-registered to come down and get their laundry done. 

First of all, thank you to all of my readers who have donated money towards this cause as well as hygiene products, laundry supplies, and for those of you who have volunteered as well! It has been truly overwhelming to see God work through all of you -especially in such a short time. We feel so encouraged. 

If there are still people out there who would like to contribute just let me know and I will give you the contact information. We will be at Southside Laundry from 10am-2pm this Saturday. Since we are serving so many people we are still in the need of more quarters. If we could raise another $100 in quarters I think we will be covered. So, it is time to clean out your couch cushions (I always seem to find a couple dollars in change in their!), check the console in your car, and anywhere else quarters seem to be hanging out. 

We hope to be able to continue the Laundry Love project for as long as their is a need in this community so all donated items will continue to be used. Jason and I have also be praying about starting this project in nearby communities - possibly partnering with another ministry to help us get things coordinated as well as keeping it running. I am thinking that will be pursued post chemo unless God calls us to do it early as He did this time. We are just open and willing to serve wherever the Lord calls us to. 

We also have had a few donations so that we will be able to provide a lunch for the families as well. I am grateful that we will be able to do this as I am excited for this time of fellowship. If you have supplies that you would be willing to donate for the lunch we would be grateful - paper plates, napkins, drinks, etc. If you would like to drop off some cookies for dessert - whatever God lays on your heart. 

Please keep us all in prayer and especially the families that are in need. 

God bless you all - thanks for reading, thanks for caring, and thanks for praying. 

Love to all,

Andrea

Waiting & Praying

I know I am dreadfully behind on my blogging. All I can say is "sorry" to you all who look forward to reading it each day. My mind and my heart have been elsewhere for a while - not because I didn't want to be here but I just couldn't be here.

I couldn't figure out why I didn't want to write anything over the past week or so. At first I just chalked it up to the fact that I had a couple of rough treatments and I was just beyond exhausted. But it wasn't until today that I realized the real reason why. It was because I felt like my cancer was now running my life.

Each of my days are defined by how the cancer is making me feel. They are defined by treatments and medications, doctors appointments - they are defined by the dread of what comes next. This is not what life should be defined by. It should only be defined by God and God alone.

I feel like I have done my very best to see God's wisdom in it all, to trust Him, and to feel His peace. But suddenly all the lines became blurred. I started to feel like the "cancer" had taken over my life and I didn't like it at all. I don't like being sick and tired all of the time. I don't like that my husband and my kids don't like it - I think that is the worst part. I know they are so tired of this and they want their wife and mom back.

I know that things can never go back to the way they were before - I don't want them too. I have learned to much, I have gone too far to just suddenly wish it all away. But I do desire the simple things. I have said before that I don't ever feel I have taken my children for granted - Jason and I have lost too much to ever let that happen. But I did take for granted my role in their lives. This is something I will never do again.

I just had to get away from it for a little while. (At least in my mind.) I had to focus on some other things. Fortunately God has provided me with some great research opportunities that have allowed me to focus on something besides the cancer. And through that reprieve that God provided I was able to refocus on what I really needed to be focused on all along - God.

Today I had my PET Scan. The stuff they gave me knocked me down a bit which is really unfortunate because this is suppose to be my "good week" but I am glad we are to this stage of the game. Now we are just waiting and praying for the results. I am praying that the cancer is gone and that I am in remission. I am praying that I don't need that many more treatments. I would like it to be no more treatments to be really honest with you but I am preparing myself in case that is not my reality. I remind myself that the doctor said originally that I would have to go through 8-12 treatments. I mentally prepared myself for 12 treatments at that time. Anything less than 12 is a miracle.

Blessing to you all,
~Andrea

Day 45: Dinner and a Hair Cut.....{Part 3}

After my wonderful time getting my hair cut it was time to get ready for the fundraiser my mom had put together for me. My family has deep country roots and so she planned a night of "Dinner & Dancing" with a good ol' country bad.

We first had a baked potato bar with all the fixings. Country music artist Gary Lear performed for us during our dinner. If you haven't had a chance to listen to his music, you need to. You can visit his website here: Gary Lear's Web Site

Here is a quick way to listen to his music. For you country fans - you are going to love it. :-) (For those of you who are getting this delivered via email you are going to have to go to the blog to be able to hear his music. Be sure to mute my background music so you can be sure you can hear his. :-) You can do that if you scroll to the bottom.

After dinner was done people kicked up their heals to the Northfork Country Band. The lead singer being Bill Long.

Jason and I just felt so blessed that so many of our friends and church family came out to see us. It was kind of like a reunion. I saw people there that I haven't seen in years. There were people there that have known me since they were my kids' age and it was just very neat to visit with them all.

There are so many people I need to thank for their time, help, donations for the silent auction, food, and the list goes on an on. Please know that you all are in Jason and I's prayers. Literally - Jason has a notebook that we write everyone who has done anything for us - from meals to money and everything in between - and we pray over those names often.

Thank you again for everyone's love and support for us through this journey. We could not do it without each and every one of you. Love you all and blessing to you.

~Andrea

It's Okay to Struggle

It's okay to struggle. Did you know that? I have to remind myself of that quite often. I had to remind myself of that today in fact. It isn't that I don't want to appear weak - I know I am weak and only God provides my strength. It is that I hate to bother anyone. I think that if I admit that I am struggling that I might bother someone because they may want to help me. How silly is that? Of course we are suppose to help one another. We are the body of Christ.

Yesterday I was struggling deeply. Finally I thought to myself how silly it was for me to be worrying and struggling all by myself like that (Jason was at work) and so I called my dear friend, Maryann. I said, "Hey, Maryann, I am struggling and just need someone to talk to about it." She was happy to do so - just listen to me and let me get things out in the light so God can do His thing. She asked me a couple of questions and gave me Godly advise and then guess what - she prayed for me. It was so refreshing. I spent all of those hours worrying and stressing over these things - most of which I cannot control - and in one phone call to a friend, things were in perspective and I could cope again.

Do you have a friend like that? I pray you do. God has blessed me with people in my life, like Maryann, that I know will be there for me when I need them and sometimes, even when I don't know that I need them. I was thankful for my friend Maryann today because of her insight and her prayers, I feel like that is also why I am doing so well today. God used her to bless me in a time when I needed it most.

God bless you all!
~Andrea