I honestly hesitate to share this with you just because it is forcing me to be so very open but I know that when you all email me or make comments the number one comment is how you appreciate my honesty. So there is that and then there is the fact that this may help someone else out there so how can I not share?
Basically I had this update planned in my head... that the Shingles were nearly gone, my daughter was nearly better (for those of you who don't know she has been super sick with the cough, fever, etc. since about Thursday - and this has been a rough one), and that my port removal wounds were nearly healed.
Then I was going to go on and talk about how I felt like I was basically having to start over again with my energy level and how it seems that anytime I start to make some progress I get knocked down again and have to claw my way back up.
That is when this Toby Mac song popped into my head. I like Toby Mac. I like how upbeat his music is, oh, and of course that he is a Christian performer. My son's also like him and I have some very fun memories of Toby Mac songs playing in our home and watching all of them dance in our living room. Okay, so I danced too since we are being honest here - how can you not dance to Toby Mac?. :-)
Anyway, I went to find the lyrics for the song - Get Back Up Again by Toby Mac - because there was a very specific line I was thinking of... "You may be knocked down, But not out forever" but that is when it happened. I started reading the entire lyrics to the song as it played and I just started crying. Yes, I cried at a Toby Mac song. It was like it took me right back to the beginning when I had just been diagnosed and took me all the way through my battle to where I am today. I posted the lyrics here below so you can read them for yourself.....
You turned away when I looked you in the eye,
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,
Seems like you're fighting for you life,
But why? oh why?
Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where,
And there's always scars
When you fall back far
We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
{One day you will shine again,}
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,
Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up, get up,
{You gonna shine again,}
Never too late to get back up again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever
(May be knocked down but not out forever)
You're rolled out at the dawning of the day
Heart racin' as you made you little get away,
It feels like you've been runnin' all your life
But, why? Oh why?
So you've pulled away from the love that would've been there,
You start believin' that your situation's unfair
But there's always scars,
When you fall back far
We lose our way,
We get back up again
Never too late to get back up again,
{One day, you gonna shine again,}
You may be knocked down but not out forever,
Lose our way, we get back up again,
So get up, get up
{You gonna shine again}
It's never too late, to get back up again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever,
May be knocked down, but not out forever!
This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken,
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin',
I am so broken
This is love callin' love callin
Lose our way, (way way way ay ay ay)
We get back up, (get back up again)
It's never too late (late late late ate ate ate)
You may be knocked down but not out forever!
Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up get up
{You gonna shine again}
Never too late to get back up again
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,
This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (get back up again)
To the broken
This is love (never too late) callin'
(may be knocked down but not out forever)
This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (we get back up again)
To the broken
This is love (never too late) callin'
(may be knocked down but not out forever)
This is love callin' love callin'
Out to the broken,
This is love callin'....
I put some of the lines that really stuck in my heart in bold and as you can see there was one that really hit me....
{One day, you gonna shine again,}
I feel that is what I have not been able to do since I was diagnosed - shine. Shine for Jesus. It took every ounce of energy I had to get through treatment and now it takes every ounce of energy I have to get up in the morning and take care of my kids that I have forgotten what it is like to truly shine.
Please don't get me wrong - this is not a crisis of my faith. My faith was solid going into cancer and it was solid coming out of cancer. In fact, the other day I had a realization that I did not discover my faith through cancer as so many do, I discovered myself and who God truly wants me to be. Now it is all about living that out and finishing the discovery.
To me, the lyrics of this song was a message of hope that I so desperately needed and the crazy thing is that I didn't even realize I needed it. It is a promise to me that things will be okay and even though it will take time and I may be knocked down 1000 more times.....One day, I will shine again.
Be careful the next time you listen to a Toby Mac song - you never know what may happen. May you all be blessed and encouraged in the Lord today and always.
Blessings,
Andrea
