My Difficult Day

This has been a difficult day. I wrote my blog post earlier to only find that I was being blocked from sharing the link on Facebook. Evidently someone had flagged my blog as "abusive and/or spammy". I have to tell you that this really hurt my feelings more than anything else, so if that was what the person was going for - well then they succeeded.

As I have written each word on here I have literally poured out my heart. I have been as authentic as I could possibly be - in a way that wasn't always comfortable. It has definitely gotten me "out of my box" that is for sure.

Most of you probably won't believe this but I am actually a very private person. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve and generally Jason is the only one who can really tell if I am upset by something. God has worked on me a bit in all of those areas to say the least and from the very beginning I knew this was something I had to do. I had to share. I had to share for all of those who couldn't, for all of those who were about to go through the same journey I have been on, and for those who love someone going through something similar as to what I am going through.

People have to know how hard it is and for those who are going through something difficult - they have to know that they aren't alone. If God can use me to do those things then it is worth it to me to go through such struggles. So, to have someone classify this as "abusive or spammy" was tough for me.

I have moved past that (and got it worked out with Facebook). I just realized that it was the enemy trying to keep me from doing what I do and we all know that it isn't going to stop me from writing. It is too much of who I am. I would be lost without this form of expression.

So, now on to the rest of my day... we do what we call a "circle prayer" at dinner time. We join hands and each person at the table prays. My children love this.

For the last 11 months I have listened to my children pray for me over and over. "Please God, make my mommy's sickness go away." I tried so hard to protect them from all of this but even at their young ages they knew what was at stake without us even having to tell them.

After my scan on Wednesday, the following day my 6-year-old asked me if I would need any more treatment or if my sickness had gone away. I didn't even realize that he knew I was having a scan done.

Tonight though, it was my 12-year-old. He said that his only prayer was for me to be cancer-free. He prayed so hard and so passionately for me. I know that if I don't get the results that we are hoping for tomorrow that it isn't just going to affect me.... and I think that is the hardest of all. I want them to have their life back too. I want them to have their mom back. I don't want them to have to say these types of prayers anymore. But I have no control over any of that.

Tonight as everyone sleeps - I am still awake. Wondering... and yes, worrying a bit. (I have to be honest.) I remember our former pastor giving a sermon one time and he said that, "worrying is temporary atheism." And he is right. He explained that when we are worrying we are doubting that God is in control. So, each time I start to worry, that pops in my head and it is like being stabbed in the heart. I love God so much and I know He has got this. He has gone before me and is with me now. It is not God that I doubt. It is me. Can I really do this? Can I really go through more treatment if I have to?....

The answer is yes. All you have to do is look at the top of this page and see those four beautiful faces. That is all the inspiration I need. I will do what I need to do. I will fight until my last breath. No matter what tomorrow brings - it will not mean defeat. There will be victory as God will be glorified no matter what.

So, tonight there is a great deal of prayer in my future and once again - like I have done a thousand times before - I will be surrendering it all.

Thank you for reading. I bet you had no idea that you would be reading something so offensive that it would be banned from Facebook because we all know what kind of things can appear on Facebook. I know, I am such a trouble-maker. ;-)

Blessings,
Andrea

My New Struggle: {Doubt}

Like I need a new struggle.... but I have one.... It is....

{Doubt}

This past week I have really struggled with this. The doubts just start creeping in and I have to literally stop whatever I am doing and pray it/them away. Some of your remember my post from February 19th, {Faith & Fear} - I tell you what, I just went back and re-read that post and talk about ministering to myself. There I was - only 2 weeks past being diagnosed and I was honestly in a better a place than I am in now. 

A few things have happened since that time... namely 9 more chemo treatments.... falsely thinking I would be done with chemo nearly a month ago... and I definitely wasn't so tired. Those are no excuses though... my focus should be on the cross no matter what. 

When I went back and read that {Faith & Fear} post I remembered mentioning having a fear of the "unknown" - well I think the "What if's" can be classified right along with the "unknown" category. 

What if ...... the cancer is not gone?

What if....... the chemo is not working?

What if....... I have to go through more treatments?

What if....... I get another type of cancer?

What if....... there is nothing they can do, I die anyway, and leave my husband with 4 small children to raise? You see, it isn't the death I fear - I know where I am going - it is the pain my family will have to endure if I do die. That is the thought that stings the most. 

I can go on forever. But I have to just completely stop myself. I have to pray, pray, pray and realize that once again this is not about me - it is about God and his will. And by playing the "what-if" game - I am not honoring him and I am not bringing glory to him. The chemo doesn't heal me - God does. The doctors aren't the ones that will keep me here - God will. If I have to go through more treatments....God will give me the strength. And if he does decide to take me home....He will never leave or forsake my husband or my children. He is in control and he has it all planned out - and he makes all things good....

Yes, it is easy to have faith when rainbows and lollipops are falling from the sky - it is much harder when life's adversities emerge. But as my pastor told me not so long ago... God is doing a work in my heart right now...... it is just up to me to let him do it. 

I know I am not the only one who has struggles at this time. I talk to people nearly everyday that have something just as big - and even bigger - than my cancer. My prayer for you is that you don't let the doubt creep in... pray it away just as quickly as it arrives. God is in control and he loves you just as he loves me. God is good - all the time.