Cancer Tests Around the Corner: {Please Pray}

Yikes! God was super tricky on this one...

My scan was scheduled for Monday. (Yes, Labor Day.)
It was scheduled so long ago that I guess no one noticed it was a holiday.
Until yesterday.

I received a call saying they wanted to move it.
So, they moved it to tomorrow!
It really just hit me.
I have not had my normal prep time to pray, freak out and hyperventilate (just kidding - I honestly don't do that.)

But I didn't realize how much of a routine I have when it comes to these things. Here is a bit of a rundown:

1.) Ignore it.
Honestly, this is the only way to describe what I do. I really just don't think about it that much.
I have described it before as like waking up from a bad dream. You have to think about whether or not it really happened or not because it is all such a blur. That is me. I feel like I am just waking up but instead of saying, "Oh, that was just a dream..." I get to say, "Oh, that really did happen."

2.) Start praying about it.
About 2 weeks before, I do start to think of it just a little and every time I do think about it I just pray. My worry level is still very very low at this point.

3.) Pray more.
About 2-3 days before, I have to start praying more as I do start to think about it more. I do get those butterflies a bit and I just have to pray through it.

I honestly feel like I keep my worry in check pretty well. Of course, I am human. but as I have shared before, I feel like worrying about it is a giant waste of time. It does nothing for tomorrow and only robs my joy of today.

If, in fact, I had to go back into treatment do I really want my last days before going into treatment worrying about whether or not I will have to go back into treatment or not? That was a lot to just write - I can't imagine it continually swirling around uncontrollably in my brain.

The answer.
No.
Absolutely not.

I refuse to let cancer rob any more of my joy. I know I am stuck on this roller-coaster for a while but I can choose if I am going to enjoy the ride or scream out in fear the whole time.
It isn't always easy but it is still my choice.
And this is the way I am choosing to walk it out.

But...
I still wouldn't mind your prayers. :-)
Or thoughts.
Or whatever you do.
Just as long as it's nice. :-)

Thank you all for your continual love and support through this "roller-coaster ride". It means a lot that you still pray, still read, still care.

Blessings.

{The Sickies}

So the day after we got our good news from my last scan, J came down with a head cold and then shared it with me on Friday. I have not been able to do much since then as it has just completely wiped me out.

I have been trying to give us all the good stuff to get us healthy again but it hasn't worked so well. At least the kids haven't gotten it (yet). I think baby K was coming down with it but she ended up taking a 3 hour nap today and I that seemed to help her feel a lot better.

Anyway, I just wanted to see if you could all pray for a speedy recover for us and that our kids don't get it. I appreciate it. :-)

I also wanted to leave you with a bit of scripture for this week. Enjoy!

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever

~ Hebrews 13:8, NLT 

Blessings,
Andrea

A Heartbreaking Story....

As I wrote earlier tonight, I am preparing for my news tomorrow and admittedly I was feeling a little bit "blah" getting ready to face another day of the post-cancer life. I was surfing through the blogs I keep up on tonight passing the time before my brain would finally be ready to turn off and welcome sleep. I went to a blog of a girl who is currently going through chemo right now. You can find her at Little Blue Boo . Even though I can feel every single thing she is going through right now to the very core of my body, she has an amazing attitude about it and I love it.

However, today she had a little blurb about another family that she is doing a fund-raiser for. I just could not resist reading about them even though I knew it was going to be sad. It became a sharp reminder that no matter how bad things are for you - someone else is always going through something worse. You can read more about the family here.

The mama was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in January 2011 (I was diagnosed Feb. 2011). But here is the kicker - their baby girl was diagnosed with another type of cancer in May of 2011 at 11 months old (she was just a few weeks younger than my baby girl). Their baby girl passed away in Dec. 2011 at 18 months old. My heart literally breaks for them. I cannot imagine what they have or are going through.

I remember standing in my kitchen just a few days after my diagnosis staring off into nothingness. That is when it hit me - I was so grateful it was me and not one of my children. I literally thanked God in that very moment.

You see, I remember what it was like going through all of the surgeries and medical stuff with my oldest boy, Cale. I remember sitting in a rocking chair, holding his tiny little body, and praying that God would give me his pain. He and I did that for the first 14 months of his life (4 surgeries and a tracheotomy tube for those 14 months) and then 2 more surgeries later on and it was the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced in my life. As a mom I was supposed to make things better for him and I couldn't. All I could do was hold him and love him...

12 years later it still takes my breath away and I am so grateful that he made it through it. I cannot imagine life without him.

Anyway, I just felt convicted to share a little bit about this other family. I will be lifting them up in prayer and thought maybe you could too.

Blessings,
Andrea

So I Survived Cancer, Now What?.... A Book Perhaps?

This is something that has been on my heart since I was still going through treatment. I just didn't know the story that God wanted me to tell until about a month ago. That is when it was laid on my heart to write a book directed at other young mothers who have been diagnosed with cancer.

I remember feeling so many emotions when I was diagnosed. One of which was a lot of confusion. How was I going to get through this with four children? How was I going to be a wife and mother and STILL make it through my treatments? It was questions like that that formed the theme of my book.

I am very excited about it but I do need a lot of prayer. I feel like this is the last element to my personal healing and it is definitely challenging me in a new way that I am enjoying immensely. But with my lack of energy it is easy to put this project on the back burner to all of the other obligations that I have right now.

So, if you could be praying for the energy I need to complete this. Also, that it is what God wants me to say to these mama's in such a desperate and lonely time and that I can provide them hope if nothing else. Again, I am very excited about it and can't wait to keep giving you updates...:-)

Blessings,
Andrea

The "Official" Cancer Update & Prayer Request

So, we were so overjoyed at the news that I am now a "cancer survivor" that I realized I never did a complete update on my situation. I know there are some of you who are wanting to know what is going on exactly so here it is...

As far as the PET scan is concerned I am at what they call a "complete response" - which meas that there is not any cancer being detected.

I do, however, have a spot in my chest. Evidently it is an enlarged lymph node and I guess this is common for the type of Hodgkin's Lymphoma that I had. So, they will basically just watch this spot until it goes away or if it doesn't go away I guess they will just keep watching it for the rest of my life.

I have my next CT scan on 2/20 and then meet with my oncologist a week or so after that. If I get a clear scan then, my oncologist will let me get my port out. That will be a happy day because this thing honestly drives me crazy.

From there I will see my oncologist every 3 month with a scan every 6 months. Once I hit the 2 year mark my risk for the HL to come back goes down significantly. When I hit 5 years it goes down even more. In 8 years they will start watching me closely for breast cancer as my risk for that is up due to the radiation.

So, if you would like to continue to pray for me I would of course appreciate that. Please pray that my scans continue to be clear and that the spot in my chest just goes away so we don't have to worry about that.

Anyway, that is the situation for now. It really does feel so good to know that I won't have to have anymore treatment. I really don't know what to do with myself right now but I am sure I will figure something out. As of now, I am just trying to give myself the rest that I need. They say that it takes just as long to recover as it did to go through treatment so I am looking at another 8 months or so in order to get back to normal.

Thanks again for all of the prayers and other support so many of you have offered over this past year. We couldn't have done this without you and, of course, without God. For He receives all of the glory for giving me the strength and will to get to this point and for placing so many wonderful people in my life to help us in our time of need. I am truly grateful for each and every second HE has given me. They are a precious gift.

Blessings and Love,
Andrea

14 Days & 21 Days From Today.... {Prayer Request}

I have enjoyed the last 6 weeks tremendously. Really, there are no words to describe my enjoyment. I have only had one doctor's appointment in that time and no treatments of any kind. It has been spectacular.

For the month of November I did very little. I basically hung out with my kids and my hubby as much as possible and just really enjoyed the normalcy of life again. I cleaned a lot too. Oh, and cooked. I really like cooking. I also had to established a "new normal" which I will talk about in a later post.

But today, it hit me.... my next PET scan is 14 days from today and then 7 days after that I will get the results. I started feeling those butterflies in my stomach. I started having that feeling of uncertainty in my heart. The "what if's" start creeping in my mind. And yes, since I am being truly honest here... even fear.

The fear of the cancer not really being gone. The fear of having to go back into treatment again - can I really endure any more? The fear, the fear, the fear.

I have heard from a few different people that fear means False Evidence Appearing Real. Well, 99% of the time I agree with that statement but when you are dealing with something like cancer I think it becomes different. Or at least it is different for me right now where I am at.

You see, I haven't received that clean slate yet. I haven't been given the good news that I am all clear. We are still in the "hoping" stage. I have also been down this road before. In August after I had finished all of my chemo and went in for my scan.... they fully anticipated me being clear then.... but I wasn't. Again, they are fully anticipating me being clear now... but...that is when the "what if's" creep in.

I struggle greatly with staying grounded enough to face reality. My reality. The reality of my situation. But also clinging to the hope and even allowing myself to dream a bit. To dream of the elation I will feel when I hear those words... the cancer is gone. It. Is. Finished. Do I dare let myself dream? Do I dare let my mind hope such a big hope. Yes, I believe all things are possible. I have faith that God can heal me if that is his plan. But it seems so much harder to pick yourself up off the floor when you have let yourself dream so big - doesn't it? But by guarding my heart am I having true faith?

But... that is also where God meets me and is meeting me this very moment as I write this. The fact remains that even if I don't get the news that I want he will still be right here with me. The fact remains that if I do have to go in for more treatment... I'm going to do it. I have too many reasons to keep pressing on. The fact remains that he will give me the strength I need when I need it.

I remember having a conversation with another lady who had been battling cancer for many years - her boys are young too. And she made the comment that we won't ever give up because we are moms. Even if we are getting sick non-stop (okay, so she said puking - let's not sugar coat things here) that we would press on for our kids. She is right. I will press in whatever my reality will be in 21 days. But until then - I will continue to hope and maybe even allow myself to dream a bit.

God bless you all in this wonderful season. If you wouldn't mind saying an extra prayer or two over the next few weeks for me and, of course, my family I would greatly appreciate it.

Blessings and Love,
Andrea

My Cancer Journey is Not Over...

Many of you have been emailing, texting, calling, etc. wondering what in the world is going on with my cancer. I am sorry for the delay but it just took some time to get everything figured out and prayed about. We also took some time away where we did just that - had time away.

As I started meeting with my doctors at the end of August I was just very adamant that I needed this time away with my family before we could proceed with anything. They (a couple of them reluctantly) agreed to let me have that time and I. am. grateful! I will be posting some pictures about that soon and telling some fun stories as well. But for now... on with the update...

Here is the situation.... they can't tell me for sure if the cancer is there but evidently when you get a result like I have, that is a strong indication that the cancer is not gone.

Jason and I have spent hours praying for what my best option is right now. We have also been praying diligently for God to give the doctors the wisdom needed to make the best recommendations for my situation and so this is what has been decided as a result of all of that...

The biopsy that they wanted to do initially... that is out now. We are not doing it. After meeting with the surgeon and talking with him for over an hour we did not have a good feeling about this - which I think I can say the surgeon felt as well. I don't want to put words in his mouth or anything but he did say, "Well, you aren't going to make it easy on me are you...." It may just be me, but when surgeon says that... it doesn't give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside and you don't just automatically say, "Oh yes please, cut me open." Especially for something like I was going to have. Basically they were going to have to go in the front of my neck, miss the carotid artery, the nerve that keeps me breathing and my heart beating, the nerve to my voice box and then behind my thyroid to get to it.... So, after my multi-doctor team got together, they agreed that it is too risky and too invasive for the results that they were going to get from it. So .... the biopsy is out.

However, radiation is now in. I think many of you remember this post (Bad News Good News) where we initially decided not to go through the radiation and I ended up going through 12 treatments of chemo to try to avoid it. Well, that didn't completely work and so we need to do what we need to do in order to make sure we get this all taken care of the first time around. The risk is still there for secondary cancers, heart damage, lung damage, etc. However, we are just praying for God's protection against those things.

Moving right along to chemo.... There are actually only 4 more treatments that the doctor can give me of this particular chemo treatment and after discussing the possibility of using these yesterday with my doc he is not convinced that using these at this time is the best option. I have to tell you that I am not sad about that in the slightest. I would do it if it was necessary but I am relieved to not have to go that route - right now at least.

So, how I am doing... well I feel mentally exhausted. I find that it takes a great deal of mental energy to take all of the information in, ask the questions that need to be asked, and then process it all. Then you have to take all of that and seek God.

When I was first diagnosed....(you  remember Day 1: Shock) the decision was SOOOO easy. I like to call it a PASS/FAIL type of situation. God clearly provided the path and it was like you need to do this or your going to die. So we did it because that was a pretty simple decision to make when you are doing all you can do to stay here for your husband and your children.

Now, it is much different - much harder. There are so many more things that have to be considered and I feel a bit like I am walking a tight rope. You are thinking about the fact that you haven't had enough treatment to get rid of this cancer and what can potentially happen there, then you think about getting too much treatment and getting a secondary cancer that could be even worse. All the while you are desperately trying to hear God's voice in it all so you can truly follow His will. Finally, you just have to release it all... surrender it all to the Lord and say God, I have no idea what I am suppose to do here or if I am even hearing you correctly right now. But I do know that if I am not hearing you correctly that you will have grace for me because that is who you are.

He is ultimately in control of all of this..... radiation or no radiation, chemo or no chemo, cancer or no cancer. And as hard as it is to realize sometimes... if He wants me here He will keep me here and if He wants to take me home - well then He will take me home... All you can do is trust Him and love Him regardless.

Please just keep praying. I hear everyday from people on how they are praying for me and I am just so grateful for that. I am encouraged and amazed at the network of fellow believers that God has so faithfully surrounded me with. Blessings to you all.

~Andrea

Update.....{Prayers Needed}

I have to tell you that I have really enjoyed this past month. It was 1 month ago yesterday that I had my last chemo treatment and I have really just tried to take some time to just refresh and refuel. It has been a very busy time as well - I feel like I am finally able to reintegrate myself into the world again. It is like I have been out of the loop for the last 6 months. I do still get very tired in the afternoons and this is something that I am not use to - I have never been very good a pacing myself. But it is a lesson that I am definitely learning now.

We also celebrated our oldest son's 12th birthday - no, I can't believe I have a 12-year-old! He had a great day, or week I should say. It seems like he has been celebrating all week. Isn't it great to be a kid. :-) I will be posting some pictures of his celebration here soon.

Anyway, I have received an update and I do require some extra prayer. I had my scan this past Wednesday and they did find a spot in my neck that they are concerned about. It took me a few days to even process this news and to even get to a place where I could post this information. It is the spot that I was concerned about myself - I can't remember if I mentioned it on here or not - so I can tell you that I wasn't that surprised but I was still disappointed. I don't even know if that makes sense.

Jason and I were blessed this past week with the opportunity to go to a leadership conference and we just loaded up on all kinds of information. Anyway, there was one quote that just seemed to be so perfect to describe what I feel right now. Here it goes...

"I believe that God is good.....even when life isn't." 

So, as some of you hear this news that I am sharing with you and feel the same disappointment that we are feeling right now - please remember that. God is good. He will be glorified through all of this. He has already gone before us and has this all planned out. I feel personally that I just must press the fear and the doubt out of my heart that so easily creeps in and I pray you can do the same. 

Please do not be angry with Him in any way.This is just another reminder that He is in absolute control - not me, not the doctors, not the chemo or the other treatments... God and God alone reigns this day and everyday. 

I do have a prayer request..... Please pray that this is absolutely nothing. Pray that the cancer is out of my body and gone for good. Pray for my family as they too have to walk this very long road with me. Cancer doesn't just affect the person who has it... it is a journey for all. 

Anyway, for my friends and family who so diligently read this and continually pray for me... I am forever grateful and I love you all. 

~Andrea

From the Mailbag: {Please Join Me in Prayer}

Moments ago I just received this comment and I just had to post it and request prayer immediately....

"I have just started reading your blog. I am only up to the part where you are requesting devotionals. I just have to tell you that my daughter in law has recently been diagnosed with T Cell lymphoma. It is also located in her upper chest area. She is the mother of three young children. I have sent her the address for your blog. I thought the two of you could get in touch with each other. Her name is Jeslyn."


I have to tell you that upon reading this I just started crying. I read it to Jason and I couldn't even get through it all. I am praying so hard for this mama.... please join me. Please raise her up as well as her sweet family. I remember that time so vividly - the unknowing, the fear... I pray that God gives her a peace beyond all understanding and that she and her family can feel God's love more now than ever. I pray that God gives her doctors the wisdom to know exactly what treatment she needs. I pray for God to heal her. I pray for the protection over her children - please God protect them. Just give them all the strength and wisdom that they need to get through this time.

In Jesus' precious name,
Amen

Please keep this family lifted in prayer.

Day 36: Chemo 3 (Prayers Please)

Today chemo started out fine but just as I was finishing up things went south. The $365/pill meds they put me on this time evidently ran out just after 3 hours. For those of you who are like me and always have to break things down that is $121.67/hour or $2.03 a minute.

I ended up getting sick there in the cancer center which was actually a good thing because I still had my i.v. in and so they quickly treated me with the "Cadillac" drug that they gave me last time and pumped me full of more fluids. This did help tremendously but now I am home and battling again. I am taking the meds that I have here at home in order to try to feel better. So, if you can pray that something, anything, works I would be grateful. And don't worry, if I don't feel better tomorrow, I will call the doctors office again. (I know there are a few of you nurses out there that are keeping tabs on me :-)

Despite the crummy end to my treatment, there were lots of good things that happened during my treatment. First, my nurse was a lady that I have known since I was like 7. She is an amazing Christian lady and it was really fun to reconnect with her. Plus, when I got sick, she took great care of me.

Also during my treatment, a couple came in. The man, I will refer to him as R. as I don't want to violate his privacy, looked like he wasn't feeling well at all. I guess he has been battling his cancer for 10 years now. His dear wife, J., was really having a hard time seeing her dear hubby struggle so much. I was in the corner in my chair most of the time but at one point got up for something and on my way back I couldn't help it any longer. This lady was hurting. So, I asked her if I could pray for her. She almost started crying and so did I but I got through it with God's leading. They didn't stay much longer as I think they took him over to the hospital. I will continue to pray for him.

I met a lot of other people today too. I had a few visitors come and see me which was very nice. The staff there is so great, I just have really enjoyed meeting all of them as well. They are some of the most caring people I have ever met. We are so blessed to have such a nice facility in our community.

Anyway, I am going to lay down again and see if I can't sleep this stuff off. I will check in with you all tomorrow.

I have some great things in the works for you guys. I don't want to give you too much information right now but I am really excited about what God is doing right now. I am hoping this will help to spread His word even farther. Take care all, and thanks for the prayers in advance.

Prayer Request

Hi Everyone. I am requesting a prayer request for some dear friends of ours. Their little girl has some medical stuff going on and it may possibly be something like what I have even though it is rare in young children her age. If you could please lift this precious little girl up in prayer along with her family, we would be so grateful.

Thank you all and God Bless!

Day 20: Praying for Strength

Today was another really good day. I did a lot of writing today. Believe it or not I actually do a lot of writing that doesn't even make it on here. I guess I am trying to get in as much as I can before my next treatment.

I can't believe it has been nearly two weeks since my first treatment. Only 5 1/2 months to go. Each day that I feel good, I am grateful.

My mental preparation for Wednesday is starting to increase. I am feeling a bit more anxious about it. The unknown is still hard for me to deal with. I know how it is to go through it once but I can't help to wonder if it is going to be worse this time? I hold on to the thought that in my weakness God will provide me the strength I need to get through it, even if He has to carry me himself.

Some of our good friends came over for dinner tonight. It is good to have times of fellowship like that. That truly helps so much.

If you could all pray for strength for me I would really appreciate it. It takes a lot for me to get through what I need to get through in order for me to feel okay again. Thanks guys, I appreciate it!

Funny of the Days:

1.) I am doing some dishes today and I look over at Creide and I kid you not he winks at me. And it wasn't just a little wink, it was one of those exaggerated winks. It was so cute!

2.) Jason was doing something outside and when he came in Creide said, "Dad, I kept an eye on your girl for you." It was so funny. That is a joke that Jason always goes back and forth with him about. Jason always tells him to get away from "his girl". Creide always giggles that cute little giggle and says something like, "I am going to kiss your girl daddy."

Day 3: A Peace Beyond All Understanding

Friday, February 4, 2011

Today I completed the tests that I was suppose to complete yesterday, which consisted of another CT-scan and a PET-scan. These were done to see what other areas of my body this has spread to. Hopefully this is a big fat none but we won't know until Monday.

My spirits are good today. God has given me a huge peace over all of this and that has been wonderful. Escaping the fear an worry, for however brief, is definitely a blessing.

After so much prayer and meditation I am just holding everything with very open hands, surrendering it all to God, that includes my life. I know I have surrendered my life to God before but it wasn't until now that I realized that was the service and actions of my life. Surrendering the very breath that keeps my body alive, every heartbeat that keeps my body going is something entirely different.

So as I sit here with palms open, surrendering it all to God, the only thing that I hold with clinched fists is my faith. As a reward, my faithful Father in Heaven has given me an intense peace "beyond all understanding" which I am grateful for.

Yesterday I had to wait an hour before the scan so that the stuff they gave me could sufficiently travel through my body. I used that quiet time to just seek the Lord. There was one song verse that played over and over in my mind, "I surrender all....I surrender all." The most amazing thing happened. I fell asleep. I truly felt as if I was just resting in the arms of the Lord. Even though it wasn't for long, it was truly the most refreshing sleep I have ever experienced in my life.

When I was "ready" for the scans they laid me down on the table thing and started the process. I truly didn't know what to pray as the fear began to set in for what they might find so I just kept saying the Lord's name over and over in my mind. Within a few minutes I just felt this warmth consume my body and that is when the peace came.  I was, and still am, grateful.

We won't find out any information until Monday but at that time we should know everything including my treatment plan. So we will enjoy our weekend and then get to work Monday mentally and spiritually preparing for what lies ahead.

Thank you for all the notes of encouragement, offers of help and support, and most importantly the prayers. I know I cannot respond to each and everyone of you but please know that they do give my heart so much joy to hear from you. I love you all.

Today I received the following blessings:

• Again, just receiving the peace that God has given me has been huge. Normally I would be freaking out with worry waiting over the weekend without the results from all the testing but I am totally at peace. I know God's timing is the perfect timing. The peace may be the "calm before the storm" but I am hanging onto it anyway.
• I just have the most amazing friends and family. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. 
• I was able to nurse Kearyn this morning until my test and now I cannot nurse her again for 24 hours. But she actually took a bottle today. Praise God!  
• I was able to connect with several loved ones today and I enjoyed visiting with them no matter how brief the conversation was. 
• I was able to meditate and pray today and even rest in the Lord's arms while waiting for my test. 

Prayer Requests:

• Just for continued peace and guidance from the Lord. 
• I pray Monday goes "well". 
• The mass in my neck is pressing on my trachea and esophagus which could cause some breathing problems in the near future as well as some swallowing issues. Please pray that the treatment plan is put into place and the mass reduced before these problems affect me in a significant way. 

Funny of the Day:
I know that these things may not seem funny when reading them but when going through such a thing I find it is refreshing to hang onto any and all laughter that comes my way. So thanks for putting up with my little funny or not so funny stories.

After my test the guy that completed the test mentions to me me that if I happen to need to go to the airport or the dump today that I would "set stuff off." Although these "to do" items had not made my list for that day, I thought it would be so cool for Jason to take me to the airport so I could give it a try. It isn't everyday God gives you the ability to "set stuff off" with your own body. Jason was not amused by this and wouldn't take me to the airport as I suggested, however, he did think taking me to the dump to "set stuff off" was a fun idea....uh no.

Day 2: A Day of Rest....

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Today was suppose to be a day of more testing but we were about half way to Grand Junction and the doctor's office called me an told us that there had been a mix-up in the scheduling.

Although it would have been nice to get it out of the way so that I could get the diagnosis Friday as planned I can tell you that I wasn't that sad about it. I know God's timing is perfect in all of this.

It was nice to be at home today just having a day of rest. It was also so nice because I could nurse my baby girl today. She was definitely happy. Tomorrow will be a different story all together. I feel that my days are numbered for me to be able to nurse her and I am trying to enjoy those moments and also prepare her for the next stage so that it isn't so hard on her.

We have just been flooded with prayer and offers of help and support. I am left with no words to describe how incredibly blessed I feel. My dear sweet friends and family are just too wonderful. I love you all so much.

My Random Thoughts....

I was laying there trying to go to sleep and I thought about what it would be like if my husband or my children were to be diagnosed with this same thing. The thought of that was horrifying to me. I know that I would much rather this happen to me then them. I know that thought and the peace that it is with me and not them will carry me a long way through all of this.

My second thought came much later. I was listening to worship music as I often do, especially when I am going through a struggle, and the image of Jesus being beaten and battered came into my mind. I instantly thought - what do I have to complain about. I know that image will be a source of strength for me throughout this journey.

The Funny of the Day...


My 17 year old little brother came over this evening and when he got here he told me that when I lose my hair that I can have his "luscious locks" and that he would shave his head for me. He made some other comments about how I would look like a wild mustang galloping in the wind - or something like that - I was laughing uncontrollably at his demonstration because that is what he always makes me do....laugh. I told him that I had never been a blond before. It might be a nice change. :-)

My Blessing of Today: That I got to nurse my baby girl. I was able to take a nap with my husband. I was able to feel God's peace and protection. That I was continually provided love, support, and encouragement through my friends and family.

Thank you God.

My Prayer Request Today: That they find out what they need to tomorrow. That "it" hasn't spread through to other parts of my body. I pray for my husband and my children.

Love you all dearly,
Andrea

Day 1: The Shock...

Day 1: The Shock....


It is important that I document this as it happens. I don't know what the future holds. I am praying that I will one day be able to reflect on this as a distant memory and that it will provide hope to others going through hard times themselves. Until then, they are just my hopes, dreams, prayers and fears as I live them out....

What in the world happened?
Yesterday I went to the doctor to see about a lump I have on my neck. It has been there for a while and I had it checked out before (that is a whole different story entirely) but for the past 2 weeks or so I noticed a significant change. With 4 kids, a busy life, and just a shear desire to avoid doctors offices in general, I reluctantly realized that this probably wasn't related to the recent cold that I was experiencing and needed to get it checked out.

The initial doctor was concerned. She thought it had to do with my thyroid. She said that it probably would have to be removed or at least part of it. There was also a chance it was thyroid cancer. The sound of that was terrifying. It was also confusing because I had specifically asked if it was my thyroid when I first found it a few months back and they had said no, my thyroid was fine and they thought it was a cyst. But that is here nor there now. She scheduled a CT-scan for the next morning and scheduled an appointment with the surgeon on Thursday. It was a long and emotional night for my husband and I, but we were determined to hang on to our faith. God would provide.

The Next Day
I went to the CT-scan and immediately knew something was wrong. The technician just had me lay there for the longest time. She let Jason back in the room and continued to scurry around. I heard the phone ring several times but couldn't hear the conversations. I asked Jason what was wrong and he didn't know either. Finally, she said that the doctor wanted to talk to me before I left. That was when I knew something was really wrong. In all my experiences with ultrasounds, x-rays, etc. I have never had the doctor request me to stay and talk to me. The results always went to my doctor first.

My suspicions, unfortunately, were right. The doctor said that he thought I had Lymphoma, a cancer of the lymph system. Jason and I just sat there. What can you say at that point? I tried hard to pay attention to everything he was saying but it was like I was in a fog.

We went back out to the waiting room where several of our close friends and family members had gathered, I just sat and cried. I am 31 years old. I am a wife and a mother to four. This couldn't be happening to me. Cancer has always been one of my biggest fears but surely it wouldn't happen to me, not when my children were so young. They still needed their mom.

From there I was rushed to get a biopsy and then on to the oncologist. I was not strong in the least. I broke down several times, which if you know me, you know is unusual. I just kept thinking the worst. I also kept reliving the fact that I had found this lump months ago and had not taken care of it. Finally a sweet nurse told me that there was nothing I could do about that now- I just had to move forward. She was right. There was no point in living in the past.

I  finally met with the oncologist. He sat down with Jason and I and endured my tears. I told him that I have four little kids at home and I needed to know if I was going to be okay or not. That is when he told me that this type of cancer that he suspects I have  has a 90%, not only recover, but curability rate. That was like music to my ears. It may have only been a drop of hope in an entire ocean of fear and sadness but it was all I needed. That is what I am clinging to.

The Rest of the Night
The rest of the night was touch and go to be honest. This single day started the greatest "battle of the mind" that I have yet to face in my life. I consciously had to dismiss one negative thought after another and replace it with something positive. They also instructed me that I couldn't nurse my baby girl for 24 hours and that was probably the hardest part of it all. All she wanted to do was nurse and I couldn't. Of course, she didn't understand. It was just a tough night.

My Thoughts....

Written February 2, 2011

My mind is absolutely numb from all of the information I have received today. To say that I am not scared would be a lie. I am terrified. I keep thinking of my four beautiful children and cannot imagine leaving them in this world without a mother. Jason is an incredible father but he shouldn't have to do in alone, should he? I know God is ultimately in control of all of this but I desperately seek Him for reassurances, grasping at any hope that I can find. 

It has been a difficult day for all. My dear husband has had to endure far more than he should. My baby girl unable to nurse for the first time in her 8 months and 1 day of life and she completely does not understand. My three boys have a distant awareness of what is going on as they have been staying with grandmas today. 

The "what ifs" race through my mind and I know I need to stop them. The love and support I feel from all is overwhelming. There are no words. With each offer of help, with each act of kindness, there is hope.

Today I have been blessed in the following ways: I cannot believe the medical attention that I received just today! They were so kind, supportive, and just wonderful. They kept apologizing for rushing me around and all I could say was "Thank You!" I couldn't imagine having all of this spread out over 2 weeks. I want to get to the bottom of this so I can move forward.

I have been blessed with so much support from my family and friends. I have been blessed with such a wonderful husband.  My family and friends were available for support even when I did not ask. I know that it is just as hard on them to watch me go through this as it is for me to go through this. I am so grateful.

Prayer requests for today: I pray for wisdom and discernment for all the medical staff involved. I pray that, if it is indeed cancer, that it is truly the "curable" kind that they speak of. I pray for my husband, that you give him peace throughout this as well as strength. I pray for my children, just please protect them. I pray for my oldest son who is so incredibly worried about his mama and my baby girl who does not understand why she cannot nurse as she has every day of her life. I pray for the rest of my family and my friends as well. God bless them all for blessing me as they have. 

Prayer Request...

To All of Our Family & Friends,

I know that many of you have heard the news, many have been wondering what in the world is going on, and then there are even more that this will be the first they are hearing about this at all. I apologize for "announcing" it in this way. I wish there was a way that I could contact each of you individually and explain the situation and that you didn't have to read it on here. However, God has truly blessed us with so many wonderful friends and family that it would be impossible to reach everyone of you in a timely manner and I don't want anyone left out of the loop.

This is the short version. I will be writing more about my "journey" to this diagnosis in the future as it does reveal God's love and protection even then. But for now, here is the situation.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with what the doctors think is Hodgkin's Lymphoma. This is one of the Lymphoma cancers. I will not know the "official" diagnosis of this until Monday. Yesterday I underwent a CT-scan where they saw something incredibly wrong, they rushed me in for a biopsy which is currently in the very capable hands of the Mayo Clinic, and then I was rushed over to the oncologist. The oncologist said that he does not know what else this could be than Hodgkin's. He seemed like a very wonderful man and I was encouraged by his swift and thorough care.

Although I am praying for a miracle and if God would like to give me one I would gratefully accept, we are preparing our hearts for the diagnosis of cancer. The doctor could not give me a lot of information without all of the reports back of course, but I did point blank ask him if he thought I would be okay. His answer was very encouraging which was the best (and really the only  good) news I had gotten that day so that is what I am clinging to.

This is the very definition of walking by faith and not by sight. I have no idea what is going on in my very own body and to say that I am not scared would be a down right lie. But I know the Lord can heal me if it is His will. I, of course, for my husband and children's sake sure hope and pray that it is.

Jason and I love you all. We appreciate every one of your prayers and offers of support. You won't ever know how much encouragement each and every offer brings to me. For I know, when things get tough, and I know they will, that you will not only be there me but for my husband and my children. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Walking in His loving arms,
Jason & Andrea

P.S. I will be providing frequent updates here on this blog throughout this process. If you "subscribe" upper left side of the screen, you will get email notifications whenever I submit a new post. Sorry again for the impersonal touch this has but it is the only way I know how to keep you all in the loop.

The Write Way to Worship...

Do you ever have one of those God moments and your just think to yourself, "Why did I not think of that before?" Well, I seem to have those all of the time but one of these moments happened to me very recently that I wanted to share with you.

If you are a regular visitor to my blog you probably have noticed that my postings have kicked it up a notch in frequency. I have always been a writer. I LOVE writing. Most of you probably didn't know about that because I have kept it pretty quiet throughout my life. My mom is probably reading this right now going...huh, I never knew that. Just kidding Mom!

Since I was in 2nd grade I remember vividly thinking that it would truly be my hearts dream to be a writer and even publish a book someday. Of course I never shared this with anyone and then you start hearing how hard it is to make it as a "writer." You hear how hard it is to get published and so on and so forth until, like a lot of aspiring writers, your dream fizzles out into a distant memory.

I would have people periodically encourage me throughout the years that I did need to pursue this venture after reading something I wrote but I didn't pay much attention. After all, if it was so hard to get published then I didn't stand a chance. So, I just wrote for my own pleasure or lack there of. I would mostly write when I was frustrated or hurting. That was really how I would cope with most anything throughout my life. Jason, my dear husband, could always tell when something was wrong because I would be frantically writing in one of my journals and I can just imagine what was going through his mind....."Here we go again...." (I thank God daily that He gave me such a patient and tolerant man!)

A little over six months ago I just felt it pressed upon my heart that I needed to write more. If I would have heard God audibly it probably would have sounded something close to this...."write, write, write." Something so basic, so simple, nothing flashy. Just one word, one command. I was obedient. I started writing about anything and everything that came to mind. I literally have hundreds of things written, stored up for whatever reason or no reason at all. For some reason though (of course we know the reason) I started writing lots of devotionals. I loved it! I had never written like that before and it felt amazing. This was exactly what God wanted me to do.

So, here we are. (Fast forward six months later....) I have this incredible desire to write but wait...I am a wife and a mom of four kids. I have other obligations. Certainly I don't have time for writing. I should be doing more important things like laundry......(sounds silly to some of you....laundry over being obedient to God.....others are agreeing with me :-) That is when it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is my form of worship. I know, I know...painfully simplistic and really quite embarrassing. I had heard about people that had other forms of worship other than the traditional music form that comes to mind but that really couldn't apply to me, right? Wrong.

Here is where you come in. Thank you so much for reading. Thank you for your encouraging thoughts, words and prayers. It is my hearts desire to glorify God in all that I do and all that I write. It is my prayer that through the words that God gives me that He can inspire, touch, and give hope. If you can join me in prayer for that I would be so grateful. I want to get my story out there. I want to share how God's love has changed my life so drastically and more importantly I want others to know and experience God's love for themselves. I am praying for platforms and opportunities to do just that. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for reading this participating in my worship to the Lord. There are no words....