Coping with Fear

I like to document the tough stuff as I am going through it.
This is not easy as it forces me to be very vulnerable.
However, I feel that this is what God wants me to do.
So, I do it.

First, I want to help others.
And it is so much easier for someone to relate to me if they are reading my words as I am going through something.
Not days or even weeks later as I am trying to remember how I was feeling.
They can say - yeah, I feel exactly the same way.
Or, that is a different perspective.
And maybe even the occasional - wow, she's crazy.
But whatever their reaction, they can see that I am coming from a very real and honest place.
And that is important to me.

Second, this helps me greatly to process what I am going through.
It forces me to look at the real issues behind whatever I am facing.
Deal with them.
Pray about them.
And.
Hopefully.
Experience healing.

Help for others.
Healing for me.
Those are good things and when you deal with cancer you need all the good things your can get.

So, the issue.
I have been dealing with fear lately.
Namely - the fear that the cancer is back.

This is a common fear I know.
Nearly every person that has battled cancer has shared the same fear at one point or another.
This fear also accompanies the fear of dying.
At least for me it does.
I don't want to speak for anyone else.

Honestly, I am just not ready to die.
Pure and simple.
That is as honest as I can be right there.
But I do realize how little control I have over that...

Anyway, I have been dealing with this fear thing.
And I wanted to share how I really cope with it.
What works for me and maybe even what doesn't.
Not sure where this is going really.

I have identified my fear as the fear of the unknown.
I don't know if the cancer is still gone or if it is back.
If it is back, will I die?
Might as well cut to the chase and be brutally honest.
Otherwise, what's the point?

Strangely, I don't fear treatment.
Treatment stinks.
In fact, if I were to ever choose a time to use stronger language that would be entirely inappropriate - this would probably be that time.
But I will refrain.
I know, such a rebel.

But I honestly can go through any treatment that is thrown at me...
As long as I live.
That is my heart right there.

I want to see my babies grow up.
I want to see them graduate.
I want to see them get married.
I want to be a grandma.
I want to have old people problems.
Whatever those are.
I want them.
I want to see my husband's hair turn gray.
I want to hold his wrinkled hand.
I want to have piles and piles of precious memories.
And when I finally get to the end of my days my family can celebrate because I lived enough.
Right now I just don't feel like I have lived enough yet.

Yes, I am crying.
So, if you are crying too then we will just cry together.

I have a few more days before I officially find out my results.
(Wednesday, for those of you who are wondering.)

So, I have a choice.
I can spend those days consumed by fear, crying non-stop.
Thinking of the "what-if's" and "unknowns".
Isolating myself from the world - and maybe even my family.

But, honestly, what good is that going to do?
None.

So, how do I get control of it?
Here is what I do...

For me, I focus on the known.
1.) I just had my blood work done in June and it looked good. There was no cause of concern then.
2.) We were prayerful and thoughtful about my treatment. God gave us a peace about it and I walked it out 100%.
3.) Just because I know people who are going back into treatment does not mean I will have to go back into treatment. Everyone is different. Every case is unique. Each cancer is different.
4.) The cure rate for the cancer I had is very high. Almost the best you can get when it comes to cancer.
5.) Even if the cancer is back that does not automatically mean that I am going to die. (This is a big one here.)
6.) Ultimately God is in control. Whether the cancer is still gone or it is back - God will give me the strength I need to get through it and do what I need to do. 

It is important to realize that because I am struggling with this issue does not mean that I am having a crisis in faith.
I say that because when you are standing on this end and you receive people's reactions - it feels like that is sometimes implied.
I know God's goodness.
Even today.

What this does mean is that I am human.
It does mean that I understand that God's will may be different than my will.
It means that I respect that just because I am a Christian that does not mean that my life is going to be rainbows and lollipops.
I am going to go through hard things.
Life is going to be hard sometimes.
After all, look at what Jesus endured.
Without sin.
He died for our sin.
The ultimate.
If He went through that, what makes me think that I won't have to go through hard things too.
After all, He was the son of God.

Yes, I cling to my faith.
I cling to my hope.
And God gives me the courage.

I pray for peace.
And I know I will find it.
Sometimes it just takes a little time.
And focusing on what I KNOW.

And what I know is...
That God is Good.
All the Time.

Thanks for reading.

Sunday Scripture: {Philippians 1:6}

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

~ Philippians 1:6, NLT

Photo of the Day: {The Foot of the Cross}

 I have to be honest...I love this photo - my daughter playing at the foot of the cross. It is this mama's prayer that each of my children are always able to find their way here and receive the comfort that it brings.

Happy Sunday.

One Day I Will Shine Again

Have you ever had a blog all written out in your head but when you go to write it thing turns out completely different? If you are not a blogger perhaps you can relate with something else. Anyway, that is totally what happened today. I had it all planned out and then God went and had to change it -and in the process He totally brought me to my knees.

I honestly hesitate to share this with you just because it is forcing me to be so very open but I know that when you all email me or make comments the number one comment is how you appreciate my honesty. So there is that and then there is the fact that this may help someone else out there so how can I not share?

Basically I had this update planned in my head... that the Shingles were nearly gone, my daughter was nearly better (for those of you who don't know she has been super sick with the cough, fever, etc. since about Thursday - and this has been a rough one), and that my port removal wounds were nearly healed.

Then I was going to go on and talk about how I felt like I was basically having to start over again with my energy level and how it seems that anytime I start to make some progress I get knocked down again and have to claw my way back up.

That is when this Toby Mac song popped into my head. I like Toby Mac. I like how upbeat his music is, oh, and of course that he is a Christian performer. My son's also like him and I have some very fun memories of Toby Mac songs playing in our home and watching all of them dance in our living room. Okay, so I danced too since we are being honest here - how can you not dance to Toby Mac?. :-)

Anyway, I went to find the lyrics for the song - Get Back Up Again by Toby Mac - because there was a very specific line I was thinking of... "You may be knocked down, But not out forever" but that is when it happened. I started reading the entire lyrics to the song as it played and I just started crying. Yes, I cried at a Toby Mac song. It was like it took me right back to the beginning when I had just been diagnosed and took me all the way through my battle to where I am today.  I posted the lyrics here below so you can read them for yourself.....

You turned away when I looked you in the eye, 

And hesitated when I asked if you were alright, 

Seems like you're fighting for you life, 

But why? oh why? 

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare, 

You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where, 

And there's always scars 

When you fall back far 

We lose our way, 

We get back up again 

It's never too late to get back up again, 

{One day you will shine again,} 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever, 

Lose our way, 

We get back up again, 

So get up, get up, 

{You gonna shine again,} 

Never too late to get back up again, 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever 

(May be knocked down but not out forever) 

You're rolled out at the dawning of the day 

Heart racin' as you made you little get away, 

It feels like you've been runnin' all your life 

But, why? Oh why? 

So you've pulled away from the love that would've been there, 

You start believin' that your situation's unfair 

But there's always scars, 

When you fall back far 

We lose our way, 

We get back up again 

Never too late to get back up again, 

{One day, you gonna shine again,} 

You may be knocked down but not out forever, 

Lose our way, we get back up again, 

So get up, get up 

{You gonna shine again} 

It's never too late, to get back up again 

You may be knocked down, but not out forever, 

May be knocked down, but not out forever! 

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken, 

This is love callin'. 

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken 

This is love callin'. 

This is love callin', love callin', 

I am so broken 

This is love callin' love callin 

Lose our way, (way way way ay ay ay) 

We get back up, (get back up again) 

It's never too late (late late late ate ate ate) 

You may be knocked down but not out forever! 

 Lose our way, 

We get back up again, 

So get up get up 

{You gonna shine again} 

Never too late to get back up again 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever, 

This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (get back up again) 

To the broken 

This is love (never too late) callin' (may be knocked down but not out forever) 

This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (we get back up again) 

To the broken 

This is love (never too late) callin' (may be knocked down but not out forever) 

This is love callin' love callin' 

Out to the broken, 

This is love callin'....

I put some of the lines that really stuck in my heart in bold and as you can see there was one that really hit me.... 

{One day, you gonna shine again,} 

I feel that is what I have not been able to do since I was diagnosed - shine. Shine for Jesus. It took every ounce of energy I had to get through treatment and now it takes every ounce of energy I have to get up in the morning and take care of my kids that I have forgotten what it is like to truly shine. 

Please don't get me wrong - this is not a crisis of my faith. My faith was solid going into cancer and it was solid coming out of cancer. In fact, the other day I had a realization that I did not discover my faith through cancer as so many do, I discovered myself and who God truly wants me to be. Now it is all about living that out and finishing the discovery.

To me, the lyrics of this song was a message of hope that I so desperately needed and the crazy thing is that I didn't even realize I needed it. It is a promise to me that things will be okay and even though it will take time and I may be knocked down 1000 more times.....One day, I will shine again. 

Be careful the next time you listen to a Toby Mac song - you never know what may happen. May you all be blessed and encouraged in the Lord today and always.

Blessings,

Andrea

Keeping {Christ} in Christmas.... {idea.1}

I love Christmas. And I mean I REALLY LOVE Christmas and I always have. I love buying/making/giving gifts to my friends and family who do so much for my family throughout the year. I love giving to those who are less fortunate. All-in-all, I just love giving. 

I love trying to come up with the perfect gift that combines functionality and enjoyment or creating a special keepsake that the recipient will hopefully treasure. I also enjoy the challenge of doing all of this on a budget. It is definitely a fill for me that is for sure. 

Each year though, as my Christian faith continues to grow, I find myself wanting to challenge myself (and my family) in another area that is even more important than any gift that I could possibly give. I find myself trying to find more creative, meaningful, and powerful ways to keep Christ in Christmas. 

It is so easy to get caught up in the hub-bub of it all - just trying to get everyone checked off the list and make sure we attend all of the major functions that we are obligated to attend that sometimes these things seem more like a burden than anything else and the real meaning of Christmas is not at the forefront of our thoughts as it should be. 

So, I decided to start this series. Ideas on how our family is keeping the "reason for the season" front and center. Check back for additional ideas as the month goes on. If you have a suggestion - by all means pass it on. I would love to hear about the different traditions your family takes part in each year. 

{idea.1} 

Read the Christmas Story and the Birth of Jesus

It doesn't matter how many times I read about this in the bible.... I am still left in awe and the only thing better is sharing this with my children. For our family, we always start with the very basics and there isn't anything much more basic than how we all got here to begin with. 

Here are a couple of links for quick reference...

Mary finds out she is expecting Jesus.

The birth of Jesus foretold.

The Birth of Jesus

Matthew 2:1-12

I hope each of you are having a very blessed Christmas season so far. :-)

~Andrea

Day 35: Determination

Tuesday, Kearyn was still really sick. I only got a couple of hours of sleep but the good news is that she finally cut one of her top teethe so hopefully things will get better.

My heart is doing better today on being more prepared for chemo. It feels like I still have a lot to do today to be prepared in every other way - laying out stuff for the kids to make things easier on Jason, etc. It is not that Jason isn't extremely capable, I just do better knowing that I have done what I can to at least contribute when I am down and out.

Reading scripture today I found this one and wanted to share:

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, ~1 Peter 3:15


I really feel like this is what God has calling me to do during this whole process. I truly want people to see the joy in my heart that Jesus has put there and when they ask me about it my answer will be: Jesus. 

Day 28: The Image

This morning I woke up and felt like the cold I was battling yesterday had gotten worse. This was very disappointing to me as I feel like it is robbing me of my "good days" before my next chemo treatment. Jason gave me some, what I thought was Dayquil, which actually was Nyquil. I was sure glad my sister and brother-in-law were here because if I even sniff a Nyquil bottle I am out like a light.

My sister took great care of the baby and my brother-in-law, well, he got stuck with the boys. I always feel bad because they love him dearly and like to climb all over him. But he is patient with them and I appreciate that. 

As I started to write this I thought to myself, I really don't have anything to write about. This is amazing in itself because I always have something to write about but for whatever the reason, I just didn't feel like I had anything worthy to say tonight. Then I started thinking about my day and I realized that maybe I don't have something to say, but God does......

I thought about how another dear friend of mine came over today and we always have a great discussion about God. I always learn so much from her and today was no different. We were talking about what I have gone through so far and I mentioned that one of the first images that God brought to my mind when this all started was the crucifixion of Jesus. I literally could see him being beaten and battered, his blood spilling, the crown of thorns being pressed upon his head, and then Jesus himself carrying his own cross as he staggered towards calvary. I could see it all so vividly as if I were there. As I think of it now I cannot help but to cry. He did nothing wrong, he lived a perfect life, and out of love he went through this for us. 

When I told her of this image, she just smiled at me. She said yes, that makes total sense for God to show me that one because He was saying that He could understand my pain. He could understand what I was going to have to go through. He too had suffered. Tonight as I cry out to Him and tell him that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired He can say with love that He understands my pain and that it is going to be okay and I believe him. 

I don't know if this helps anyone out there but it certainly helped me to place myself back in the loving arms of my Father in Heaven. When times get tough it is so easy to try to separate ourselves from Him and just feel sorry for ourselves but that isn't what He wants. He wants us to cling to Him. 

Prayer Request:

If you could pray for my health to be restored as well as the health of my children I would really appreciate it. 

Praise Report:

The little girl that I had requested prayer for earlier has received a clean bill of health. Nothing at all is wrong with her, praise God!!! 

Thank you all for continuing to read this, even on my "not-so-good days". Love you all!