Bad Cancer Day...

My lack of blogging in the last couple of weeks had not been due to bad things.
It has actually been the opposite.

We have been trying to soak up every last minute of summer before we start school.
But more of that later.

Today, however, was not the best day I have ever had.
I am not sharing this because I want to sound selfish in any way.
This is not about me.
This is about sharing my heart every step of this journey to help others.
Even on my bad days when I would prefer to remain quiet.

I feel called to do this to give those who may not have the words a voice to represent what they are gong through.

I feel called to do this to give those who might be looking for a way to help someone in my situation some perspective on some of the things the person they are trying to help may be dealing with.

So, what made this day so difficult? Here is a rundown...

It started with me going to church.
I ran into a friend that I actually went through radiation with.
She gave me the news that her cancer was back.
I tried desperately  to fight back the tears for her.
I failed.

I know her heart.
I know her desire to stay here on this earth to raise her little girl.
I know her fear.
I would do anything to make it all better for her and I can't.
All I can do is pray.

This hit me hard.
It hit me hard for her.
It hit me hard for me.

First, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to know you have to go back into treatment again.
The first time around is hard enough.
But the one thing you do have is ignorance.
Ignorance to the fact of how hard it is really going to be.
The second time around you don't have that anymore.
You know.
And you have to do it anyway.

She is the 4th or 5th person that I was in treatment with that their cancer has come back.
I would be lying if I said that this does not cause me fear for my own cancer journey.
And, this always seems to happen right before I go in for my own scans.

My next scan is only a couple of weeks away.
The battle of the mind began today.
I am praying diligently that I can get it in control again quickly.

Next, our church had a concert tonight where Audrey Assad was the performer.
She shared that last September her husband was diagnosed with cancer.
Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
The same cancer I had.

Then, she shares that she has a friend who is dying this week.
Yes, from cancer.
She has two small children she will be leaving behind.
Even now my tears flow.

My heart just hurts so badly for that family.
My heart also screams, "No, please don't let this happen to me!"
Please God, allow me to stay here.

I just want to raise my children.
I just want to be a wife to my husband.

Finally, we were driving home...
I was just about to ask Jason about his thoughts on all this mention of cancer.
Just at that moment a mom came on the radio and started talking about her 3 year old having cancer.

So, my heart is heavy with so many things tonight.
Sadness.
Worry.
Fear.

Yet, all I can do is remain hopeful.
Keep my faith.
Know that God has already gone before me.
Pray.

And as my husband so gently reminded me of a couple of different times today....

Don't limit God.

Sunday Scripture: {Philippians 1:6}

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

~ Philippians 1:6, NLT

Fall in Love with Your Life

I have been on a sabbatical from the blog lately and honestly it was because I have just been so exhausted. But we were able to sneak away (more about that later) and just get some rest. It was awesome. And it is funny because when you finally get some good rest the fog kind of lifts from your brain and then the creative juices start to flow properly again. At least for me they do.

There have been many things on my heart to share for the past few months - I just didn’t have the energy to do so. So, I thought I would just start there….

The other day I was looking through some archives on a blog I read regularly. It was just one line. There was nothing else – maybe a picture but there were no other words. It said:

Fall in love with your life.

It just stopped me in my tracks because for some reason I had never thought of it that way. I then asked myself the question – am I truly in love with my life? (We’ll get to my answer later.) But I started thinking of all the messages we receive today. That we can’t be happy if we don’t earn a certain income, have a certain house, certain hobbies, friends or even a certain number of kids. But what if all that is stripped away? Are you still going to love your life?

My answer, even after facing all that Jason and I have faced together, is yes. I simply adore the life I have been given. Although I would have not signed up for each and every thing that has happened, I have witnessed firsthand the goodness of God all the way through. This is the life He has given me and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Praying that you too are in love with the life God has given you.

Blessings,

Andrea

One Day I Will Shine Again

Have you ever had a blog all written out in your head but when you go to write it thing turns out completely different? If you are not a blogger perhaps you can relate with something else. Anyway, that is totally what happened today. I had it all planned out and then God went and had to change it -and in the process He totally brought me to my knees.

I honestly hesitate to share this with you just because it is forcing me to be so very open but I know that when you all email me or make comments the number one comment is how you appreciate my honesty. So there is that and then there is the fact that this may help someone else out there so how can I not share?

Basically I had this update planned in my head... that the Shingles were nearly gone, my daughter was nearly better (for those of you who don't know she has been super sick with the cough, fever, etc. since about Thursday - and this has been a rough one), and that my port removal wounds were nearly healed.

Then I was going to go on and talk about how I felt like I was basically having to start over again with my energy level and how it seems that anytime I start to make some progress I get knocked down again and have to claw my way back up.

That is when this Toby Mac song popped into my head. I like Toby Mac. I like how upbeat his music is, oh, and of course that he is a Christian performer. My son's also like him and I have some very fun memories of Toby Mac songs playing in our home and watching all of them dance in our living room. Okay, so I danced too since we are being honest here - how can you not dance to Toby Mac?. :-)

Anyway, I went to find the lyrics for the song - Get Back Up Again by Toby Mac - because there was a very specific line I was thinking of... "You may be knocked down, But not out forever" but that is when it happened. I started reading the entire lyrics to the song as it played and I just started crying. Yes, I cried at a Toby Mac song. It was like it took me right back to the beginning when I had just been diagnosed and took me all the way through my battle to where I am today.  I posted the lyrics here below so you can read them for yourself.....

You turned away when I looked you in the eye, 

And hesitated when I asked if you were alright, 

Seems like you're fighting for you life, 

But why? oh why? 

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare, 

You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where, 

And there's always scars 

When you fall back far 

We lose our way, 

We get back up again 

It's never too late to get back up again, 

{One day you will shine again,} 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever, 

Lose our way, 

We get back up again, 

So get up, get up, 

{You gonna shine again,} 

Never too late to get back up again, 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever 

(May be knocked down but not out forever) 

You're rolled out at the dawning of the day 

Heart racin' as you made you little get away, 

It feels like you've been runnin' all your life 

But, why? Oh why? 

So you've pulled away from the love that would've been there, 

You start believin' that your situation's unfair 

But there's always scars, 

When you fall back far 

We lose our way, 

We get back up again 

Never too late to get back up again, 

{One day, you gonna shine again,} 

You may be knocked down but not out forever, 

Lose our way, we get back up again, 

So get up, get up 

{You gonna shine again} 

It's never too late, to get back up again 

You may be knocked down, but not out forever, 

May be knocked down, but not out forever! 

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken, 

This is love callin'. 

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken 

This is love callin'. 

This is love callin', love callin', 

I am so broken 

This is love callin' love callin 

Lose our way, (way way way ay ay ay) 

We get back up, (get back up again) 

It's never too late (late late late ate ate ate) 

You may be knocked down but not out forever! 

 Lose our way, 

We get back up again, 

So get up get up 

{You gonna shine again} 

Never too late to get back up again 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever, 

This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (get back up again) 

To the broken 

This is love (never too late) callin' (may be knocked down but not out forever) 

This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (we get back up again) 

To the broken 

This is love (never too late) callin' (may be knocked down but not out forever) 

This is love callin' love callin' 

Out to the broken, 

This is love callin'....

I put some of the lines that really stuck in my heart in bold and as you can see there was one that really hit me.... 

{One day, you gonna shine again,} 

I feel that is what I have not been able to do since I was diagnosed - shine. Shine for Jesus. It took every ounce of energy I had to get through treatment and now it takes every ounce of energy I have to get up in the morning and take care of my kids that I have forgotten what it is like to truly shine. 

Please don't get me wrong - this is not a crisis of my faith. My faith was solid going into cancer and it was solid coming out of cancer. In fact, the other day I had a realization that I did not discover my faith through cancer as so many do, I discovered myself and who God truly wants me to be. Now it is all about living that out and finishing the discovery.

To me, the lyrics of this song was a message of hope that I so desperately needed and the crazy thing is that I didn't even realize I needed it. It is a promise to me that things will be okay and even though it will take time and I may be knocked down 1000 more times.....One day, I will shine again. 

Be careful the next time you listen to a Toby Mac song - you never know what may happen. May you all be blessed and encouraged in the Lord today and always.

Blessings,

Andrea

God's Faithfulness...

So, I just had to share... as we were driving into town today I couldn't help but to be in awe of the beautiful mountains and the blue sky. There was a hot-air balloon even and it made me smile. I felt the warmth of the sun and that is when it happened... I felt the most intense peace once again. I have shared about that before...a peace beyond all understanding. It was 9:12 a.m.

And I just know everything will be okay.

My next blog will be the results of today. I am currently sitting in the doctor's office awaiting the results....

Tomorrow: Test Result Day

As I hold my sleeping daughter, I am experiencing all kinds of emotions about tomorrow. Tomorrow will decide a lot of things. Tomorrow will mean that I either get my life back and can once again establish a normal routine for living or I will continue on as a patient with more treatment. I am obviously routing for the first option.

In the meantime, I have been spending as much time with my husband and children as possible. One thing that I have realized through all of this is that so many times we focus on a certain event in time - whether it is the wedding day, the due date, the birthday,..... or the test result day..... whatever it is... we focus on that day so much that we miss all of the joy in the days leading up to that moment. For the past 11 months I have been very deliberate in not doing this.

If I would have spent the last two months worrying about tomorrow - I would have missed so many incredible moments. I would have just been existing and not really living.

So, tomorrow can go one of two ways and I have done my best to prepare my heart for both. I know some of you will think that my preparing for either result may be a reflection of a lack of faith. However, this is not a faith issue at all. I have faith in God and that has never wavered. It is just about being realistic.

Of course I have hope that God has healed me through the treatment I have already received. I hope that with all my heart. But I am also realistic that God may not have that in store for me just yet and I need to be obedient in whatever he calls me to do. And I will. 


In the meantime I dream of a joy that I have never experienced before. A cancer-free joy. For until you walk through the valley you can never experience the joy of the mountain top.

Blessings and love to all who read this.

Andrea

My Cancer Journey is Not Over...

Many of you have been emailing, texting, calling, etc. wondering what in the world is going on with my cancer. I am sorry for the delay but it just took some time to get everything figured out and prayed about. We also took some time away where we did just that - had time away.

As I started meeting with my doctors at the end of August I was just very adamant that I needed this time away with my family before we could proceed with anything. They (a couple of them reluctantly) agreed to let me have that time and I. am. grateful! I will be posting some pictures about that soon and telling some fun stories as well. But for now... on with the update...

Here is the situation.... they can't tell me for sure if the cancer is there but evidently when you get a result like I have, that is a strong indication that the cancer is not gone.

Jason and I have spent hours praying for what my best option is right now. We have also been praying diligently for God to give the doctors the wisdom needed to make the best recommendations for my situation and so this is what has been decided as a result of all of that...

The biopsy that they wanted to do initially... that is out now. We are not doing it. After meeting with the surgeon and talking with him for over an hour we did not have a good feeling about this - which I think I can say the surgeon felt as well. I don't want to put words in his mouth or anything but he did say, "Well, you aren't going to make it easy on me are you...." It may just be me, but when surgeon says that... it doesn't give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside and you don't just automatically say, "Oh yes please, cut me open." Especially for something like I was going to have. Basically they were going to have to go in the front of my neck, miss the carotid artery, the nerve that keeps me breathing and my heart beating, the nerve to my voice box and then behind my thyroid to get to it.... So, after my multi-doctor team got together, they agreed that it is too risky and too invasive for the results that they were going to get from it. So .... the biopsy is out.

However, radiation is now in. I think many of you remember this post (Bad News Good News) where we initially decided not to go through the radiation and I ended up going through 12 treatments of chemo to try to avoid it. Well, that didn't completely work and so we need to do what we need to do in order to make sure we get this all taken care of the first time around. The risk is still there for secondary cancers, heart damage, lung damage, etc. However, we are just praying for God's protection against those things.

Moving right along to chemo.... There are actually only 4 more treatments that the doctor can give me of this particular chemo treatment and after discussing the possibility of using these yesterday with my doc he is not convinced that using these at this time is the best option. I have to tell you that I am not sad about that in the slightest. I would do it if it was necessary but I am relieved to not have to go that route - right now at least.

So, how I am doing... well I feel mentally exhausted. I find that it takes a great deal of mental energy to take all of the information in, ask the questions that need to be asked, and then process it all. Then you have to take all of that and seek God.

When I was first diagnosed....(you  remember Day 1: Shock) the decision was SOOOO easy. I like to call it a PASS/FAIL type of situation. God clearly provided the path and it was like you need to do this or your going to die. So we did it because that was a pretty simple decision to make when you are doing all you can do to stay here for your husband and your children.

Now, it is much different - much harder. There are so many more things that have to be considered and I feel a bit like I am walking a tight rope. You are thinking about the fact that you haven't had enough treatment to get rid of this cancer and what can potentially happen there, then you think about getting too much treatment and getting a secondary cancer that could be even worse. All the while you are desperately trying to hear God's voice in it all so you can truly follow His will. Finally, you just have to release it all... surrender it all to the Lord and say God, I have no idea what I am suppose to do here or if I am even hearing you correctly right now. But I do know that if I am not hearing you correctly that you will have grace for me because that is who you are.

He is ultimately in control of all of this..... radiation or no radiation, chemo or no chemo, cancer or no cancer. And as hard as it is to realize sometimes... if He wants me here He will keep me here and if He wants to take me home - well then He will take me home... All you can do is trust Him and love Him regardless.

Please just keep praying. I hear everyday from people on how they are praying for me and I am just so grateful for that. I am encouraged and amazed at the network of fellow believers that God has so faithfully surrounded me with. Blessings to you all.

~Andrea

My New Struggle: {Doubt}

Like I need a new struggle.... but I have one.... It is....

{Doubt}

This past week I have really struggled with this. The doubts just start creeping in and I have to literally stop whatever I am doing and pray it/them away. Some of your remember my post from February 19th, {Faith & Fear} - I tell you what, I just went back and re-read that post and talk about ministering to myself. There I was - only 2 weeks past being diagnosed and I was honestly in a better a place than I am in now. 

A few things have happened since that time... namely 9 more chemo treatments.... falsely thinking I would be done with chemo nearly a month ago... and I definitely wasn't so tired. Those are no excuses though... my focus should be on the cross no matter what. 

When I went back and read that {Faith & Fear} post I remembered mentioning having a fear of the "unknown" - well I think the "What if's" can be classified right along with the "unknown" category. 

What if ...... the cancer is not gone?

What if....... the chemo is not working?

What if....... I have to go through more treatments?

What if....... I get another type of cancer?

What if....... there is nothing they can do, I die anyway, and leave my husband with 4 small children to raise? You see, it isn't the death I fear - I know where I am going - it is the pain my family will have to endure if I do die. That is the thought that stings the most. 

I can go on forever. But I have to just completely stop myself. I have to pray, pray, pray and realize that once again this is not about me - it is about God and his will. And by playing the "what-if" game - I am not honoring him and I am not bringing glory to him. The chemo doesn't heal me - God does. The doctors aren't the ones that will keep me here - God will. If I have to go through more treatments....God will give me the strength. And if he does decide to take me home....He will never leave or forsake my husband or my children. He is in control and he has it all planned out - and he makes all things good....

Yes, it is easy to have faith when rainbows and lollipops are falling from the sky - it is much harder when life's adversities emerge. But as my pastor told me not so long ago... God is doing a work in my heart right now...... it is just up to me to let him do it. 

I know I am not the only one who has struggles at this time. I talk to people nearly everyday that have something just as big - and even bigger - than my cancer. My prayer for you is that you don't let the doubt creep in... pray it away just as quickly as it arrives. God is in control and he loves you just as he loves me. God is good - all the time. 

How Can I Be Optimistic in All of This?

6 Down - 6 To Go: The Ultimate Half Empty/Half Full Scenario

For those of you who missed it - last week my doctor told me that I would not just need 2 more treatments but instead 6 more treatments. This was a big bump in the road for me to say the least.

Here I am right now, just coming off my 6th treatment and I now have 6 more treatments to face. It occurred to me that this was probably the most ultimate half empty/half full scenario that I have ever faced in my life. I feel like I have always been a fairly optimistic person - realistic but optimistic. Meaning that I like to know the facts of the situation but in the end I know what my faith is in.... God.

Despite knowing where my faith is, despite being grateful for the gift of living and seeing my kids grow up, to be really honest - I'm tired. Even more, I'm tired of being tired! I look at my life and it doesn't even resemble what it was 4 months ago. I use to do so much and now it is all I can do to get out of bed some days. How can I be optimistic in the midst of this?!?!

Ultimately though, this isn't about me. This isn't about my will. This isn't about what I want. This is about God's will. This is about an obedience to God to walk it out every day as He has called me to do it and if that is through 6 more treatments - then that is the way it is. I don't even pretend to understand what God's plan is in all of this - but I trust it. I have to clue what He is trying to do inside my heart, or the heart of my husband, or the hearts of my kids - but I believe in it. I don't even know how I will get through the next 3 months to be honest - but I know He's with me and I know God's grace will be enough.

In the end - trusting, believing, and knowing is all the optimism that I need right now. That will get me through this moment, this second, this breath and that is what He has called me to do right now. Oh, one other thing provides me the comfort of all comfort - He understands. He knows my pain and He knows my suffering. After all, He sent his only son here to die for me. Now that is optimism.  

Day 42: Is there another word for tired?

I feel like I have used all of the words that have the meaning of "tired" up and yet, I am still tired. I didn't post this last night as I went to bed so early. I am also still feeling a bit nauseated as well. I am really looking forward to that going away.

I still feel like I am in a very dark and isolated place. I realized today that I have not done anything creative in a while and that is probably why I am feeling so blah. My creativity is such an avenue of expression for me and I realize quickly that when I don't use my creativity for something, I start to get grumpy. My writing hasn't even worked. I have an account that I have to turn in an article each morning and I feel like I am barely getting through them.

I keep seeking God in this and I keep asking for His mercy - His relief in all of this. I have faith that He will answer....I just hope it is soon.

My Sunday is Coming...

One of the most powerful sermons that I have ever heard was given by our former pastor, Bryan. It was an Easter service and he talked about a message he had heard at one time himself. He gave an account of when Jesus was crucified, but Sunday was coming.  Through all of it, there was hope because Sunday was coming when Jesus would be resurrected. I  remember the power I felt in those words. "Your Sunday is coming."

We have had many challenges in our lives since then and in each of those challenges I have embraced those words over and over again in my mind. "My Sunday is coming." The day where everything will be okay and God's promises will be fulfilled.

When I went through my last chemo treatment I was not surprised that the day that I started to feel better was actually Sunday. So now as I am walking this out I know it in my heart that once again.... my Sunday is coming.

Despite what trials you go through, either now or in the future, your Sunday is coming too.

Faith and Fear

For a couple of weeks now I have felt like I needed to write about "fear". But I just felt like God was telling me it wasn't the right time. Well tonight, while at church, I felt it very clearly laid on my heart to write about fear but also include the faith factor in this as well.

I have been very honest about the fear that Jason and I have felt during this ordeal. I can tell you when the doctor first told me that he thought I had Lymphoma I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. There was no way this was happening to me. I forced myself to listen to his words and take in as much information as I could. I forced myself not to cry. You see, I have had lots of practice at that throughout my life.

The icing on the cake was when my oldest son was born with some very serious special needs at birth and after going through 6 surgeries with him, I have learned to control my emotions at all cost in order for me to get the information I needed to make the decisions I needed to make. Then I would break down later. This situation was no different. My life's training kicked in.

I remember deliriously walking down the hall to the waiting room and rounding the corner to see my sister and her husband along with two of our closest friends holding my baby girl. I could not hold it in any more. The fear gripped me. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed quietly. At that moment I lived in fear and fear alone. My only prayer over and over again was, "God, please don't let me die."

That night was a rough one to say the least. I was controlled by fear. It consumed me. It owned every thought that went through my mind. Then I began to realize what it was doing. It was robbing me of the faith that I so desperately needed to have at that time in God and God alone. If there was ever a time that I needed to have faith, it was now. So, I changed my prayers. I sought God in all that I did and I surrendered it all to Him. I literally visualized giving Him every last breath in my body, every heartbeat, everything....all to God, no questions asked.

I also remembered a phrase that Maryann, the women's pastor at my church had told me during some coaching that I had done with her. She had told me that FEAR = False. Evidence. Appearing. Real. This may be confusing to some as I was being diagnosed with cancer and that is pretty real. But I wasn't afraid of the cancer. I was afraid of the unknown and my God is the known. I know Him. I know His heart condition for me. I know His love for me. I have said it time and time again, my thoughts would go right to Jeremiah 29:11. Once I began to lay down this fear and think rationally about the things I knew to be true, God was so faithful to me once again and granted me the most intense peace I have ever known in my life. A conviction that I knew I would be okay and I carry that peace with me still today.

The reason that I am talking so openly about this is that when I talk to some people that I am particularly close with, and some that I am not, I can see the fear in their eyes. I can sense it when they talk. I can read it in their actions. I just want to say, don't be fearful for me and my future. I am in the Lord's hands. The true fear would have been if I did not believe in God and had to walk this out alone and faithless. That would have been the true tragedy.