Sad Days: Remembering Our Baby Boy

Yesterday and today mark very sad days for us. 3 years ago yesterday we found out that our little boy no longer had a heartbeat and as much as I prayed for a miracle it was not my miracle to be had. 3 years ago today marks the one an only time I got to hold him before I had to say goodbye.

This year is very different for me and I feel like I am grieving in a whole new way. 1 year after we lost our little boy I was a month and 10 days away from delivering my baby girl. Her pregnancy was filled with anxiety for me as I was so afraid something was going to happen to her as well. I spent many days in almost constant prayer in order to deal with my anxiety. So when one year rolled around it was as if I was white knuckling it - afraid to let myself feel the full impact of the sadness in fear that it might hurt my baby girl. I know that probably does not make any sense but it was where I was at the time.

Last year, year 2, was equally complicated and hard. I actually had to have my 6th chemo treatment. I can tell you that the last thing I wanted to do on this day was go through chemo. Going through chemo always took so much focus for me. It took a great deal of positive thinking as well and how can you think positively when you are grieving? It was also the day that I received the news that I would not be receiving the 8 treatments like we had thought. No, instead I would now need 12. This just compounded my grief for the day to say the least.

Today though, it is different. In a way I am grateful because I can just feel sad for my boy. I am grateful because it isn't so complicated. I can think of him and just cry my tears. Sure, I still have to be mom to my other four and we even have a baseball game that we will go to and we will cheer our 2nd son on with all of our hearts. But I am just thankful for an easier year where the grief isn't so complicated and hard.

I would just like to take a moment and remember all of the babies that have been lost due to miscarriage. Having lost 5 myself I know the pain and heartache that goes along with this type of loss all too well.

Everyone handles the grief differently. For me the pain was always very deep and long. I watched others who seemed to handle it much better than I. The important thing to remember is that grieving is a very personal thing and a miscarriage is still a loss no matter how far along you were. It still hurts.

Blessings to those who have experienced a loss of any kind. May God shower you abundantly with love and mercy.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Two years ago today was the day that I delivered our 4th baby boy. The day before we found out that he no longer had a heartbeat. I ended up going into labor at home much earlier than the doctor expected and it went so fast that I did not make it to the hospital in time to have him.

He was so tiny that he fit into one hand from fingers to palm and was perfectly formed. I held him as long as I could before I had to say goodbye. His daddy took him from me, carefully wrapped him up, and that was the last that I saw of him until I finally see him in Heaven again someday.

We named him John Andrew Gressman. John is after Jason's grandpa and Andrew is after me. My heart continues to ache for him.

I was telling my nurse yesterday about him and I made mention that I know he is in Heaven and I know people think I should just let it go now and move on. Her answer: "It is completely natural for a mother to love her baby." So, I am no longer going to try to justify my grief. The babies I have lost in the past will forever be etched on my heart. Because of my love for them - they will never be forgotten.

Today is a tough one. I don't feel well at all from my chemo yesterday and in a few hours I will get a shot that will make me sleep for the next few days. Thank you for allowing me to share this about my baby boy now and allowing me to honor him in this little way.

We Aren't the Only Ones Grieving Today....

We aren't the only ones grieving today. April 20, 1999 also marks a tragedy that so many continue to grieve each and every day. This is the anniversary of the "Columbine Shooting" at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado where 12 innocent students and 1 teacher lost their lives that day at the hands of two of their fellow students. We know at least one of the girls who lost her life that day was killed because she would not renounce her faith in God.

This too is connected to our family because my husband worked for the sheriff's department that responded to the incident. The last time he was in that building he was collecting evidence and he also had to edit the 9-1-1 tapes of the event to release to the media forever marking this event upon his heart.

In 2009, ten years after this tragic event occurred, we took a group of our youth group kids to the memorial site. This marked the first time that Jason spoke publicly about the event - reflecting on the events that occurred that tragic day. His message: those kids and the teacher woke up that morning never imagining it would be their last. They thought they were going to school just like any other day to only tragically lose their lives. We never know when our last day may come - are you right with God?

Our hearts and prayers are always with the families who lost loved ones on that day. Even though the years go by they are not forgotten. Our hearts and prayers are also with the law enforcement agents that were forever affected by this event as well as the many students that witnessed these horrific acts. May God comfort them and give them peace.

Grief

So, I brought it up a couple of posts ago and then again in my last post - I am desperately struggling to prepare myself mentally for this next treatment. It takes so much prayer and positive thinking to get me through each of these treatments and the fact that I can't do that right now is going to make it very difficult for me to get through this one.

April 20, 2009 Jason and I made the trip to the doctor's office for my monthly check-up to only find out that our  baby boy no longer had a heartbeat. I can tell you that day was one of the worst days of my life - definitely comparable to the day I was diagnosed with Lymphoma.

I was well past the first trimester, well past the stage where I had lost my other babies, well past the stage of worry. I had truly let my guard down and I was truly devastated. I will never forget that moment - staring at an ultrasound screen where there should have been a heartbeat, yet there wasn't one.

I remember talking to God at that moment telling Him that I knew He could restart my baby boy's heart. I remember asking Him, then begging Him through the silent sobs of my heart, and then finally telling Him that I would love Him even if He didn't start my baby's heart again. Those were some of the hardest words I have ever said to my Father in Heaven. Ironically, nearly two years later my dear husband said those same words to God about me. "If you take my wife - I will love you anyway."

I can tell you personally that these are words that I never thought I could say in a moment like that but it was in that moment that I knew I had to the most. I just felt like there was a fork in the road before me and I had to make a choice to either let that moment separate me from God or allow God to draw me in closer to Him. By telling Him that I would love Him no matter what I was confirming that I intended to stay on the path that lead to God and nowhere else. As I think back to that moment I think that was probably the easy part - the choice. Living it out was much harder.

I won't get into the whole story now - honestly thinking about it really is too upsetting even two years later. The memory that floods back the most is the one and only time that I got to hold my son. I still relive that moment over and over again and it still hurts deeply. I can see his little toes and his little fingers. I can see his blue eyes....

Who knew that two years later I would be having my sixth chemo treatment on the same day. How do I prepare my heart to get through the chemo when my heart is experiencing so much sadness for our loss? It seems impossible to do both but I must find a way. I know some would say that I need to look at all I have to be grateful for - and I do. I see my husband and my four children and I thank God profusely for them but that doesn't mean that I can forget about my son or the other babies that I have lost either. I remember and grieve for each of them on their own special days - I have just never had to face chemo on one of those days as well.

I guess I am writing about this for several reasons. First, it is what I do - write. Second, I can desperately use the prayers. Third, I never know when something I am experiencing or have experienced is going to touch someone else's life. Just maybe this is one of those situations.