Day 30: Reflection

So, I am a bit late posting this. Yesterday just seemed to be really busy and by the time I sat down to write this it was late and I figured no one would read it until this morning anyway.... so you will just have to forgive me for posting late.

Anyway, it is so hard to believe that it has been 30 days since all of this began. In some ways, just like a marriage, it seems like it has flown by and in other ways it seems to have been a whole lifetime ago. Of course I would not be referencing my own marriage in this analogy. ;-) (Just giving the hubby a hard time.) I adore him more each and every second I have the privilege of sharing my life with him.

Back to the point at hand.... I  really wanted to use this post as a reflection of what the last month has entailed for me. For those of you who are just reading for the first time here is what has happened in a nutshell:

God has changed my life. 

That is it - in one sentence. You see, it is much less important to me to express through what I have endured to go through the changes God is making in me as I think when I focus on those things I  have the tendency to let those things define me. My focus is totally and completely on what HE IS doing. He IS changing my life and I am doing my best to embrace it every step of the way. 

Here are the ways that He has totally and completely changed my life and my family's as well.

1.) I have experienced the greatest and most complete PEACE that I have ever experienced in my life. 

It is beyond all understanding to even myself who is experiencing it. I have a peace from the most basic thing to the biggest things. I have a huge peace with the treatment plan that He has laid before me and the medical staff He has blessed me with. He provides an everyday peace to help me get through whatever physical or mental obstacles I may have. I absolutely cherish this peace and am so thankful for it as I could not imagine waking through this with fear or bitterness of any kind each and every day of this long road ahead of me. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. ~John 14:27

2.) He has been ever so FAITHFUL.

There was a time where we did not know what the future would hold , and we still don't really, but God has been faithful every step of the way in order to, once again, give us the peace we need to walk each day out as needed. When we didn't know what type of Lymphoma I had for sure and didn't know how far it had spread throughout my body - we were very fearful that I would not see my baby girl's first birthday.I was terrified that I would not see my boys grow up and leave them here on this Earth without a mother. God has been so faithful in continually reminding us of his promise and sparing me of a future that didn't look so bright. 

God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. ~ 1 Cor 1:9

3.) He has given us HOPE.

He has given me so much hope along the way. The hope that I will indeed be here to raise my children. I will indeed be here to grow old with my husband. I will indeed be here to continue to have relationships with the family and friends I cherish so much. He has placed this hope so clearly in my heart and I rejoice in it. When I think of it something wells up inside of me and I feel like I am going to explode with excitement for I have hope for a future. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

4.) He has allowed us to SURRENDER it all to Him.

How comforting does that even sound -  "Surrendering it all to Him". He wants our burdens but so often we don't give them to Him. Why? Why do we want to hold onto such things that tear us down and make our walk so much heavier. He is there, he is willing, all we have to do is give it over and how often is it that we don't. I can tell you that I would not be able to walk one step of the journey on my own without His strength. People tell me all of the time how I am so strong. I have news for everyone and I am announcing it here, publicly for all to read- I am weak. I am frail. I am powerless. I am broken. It is only through Jesus Christ that I am able to get through one single second of this. He so graciously allowed me to give this all over to Him and I did. 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; ~ Proverbs 3:5

5.) He has allowed us to SHARE our journey with others.

One of things that has kept me going through this journey is to continually strive to glorify God throughout everything. As I said above, I would not make it one second on my own. It is only because of God that I am able to get through any of this. The fact that I have been able to share that with others has been huge for me. It is my heart that others experience God's love in the way that I have. I am humbled that He has given me the opportunity to share with you all in such a candid and real manner. You all, in turn, have blessed me greatly by your continued pray, support, and love. It has truly been amazing to watch the body of Christ work. You all have been such blessings to us and we want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;  I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly. ~Psalm 40:10

I could literally write for hours on all that God has and is doing in our lives right now in order to change us and I know for every one thing I realize that He is doing, there are probably hundreds more that I don't have a clue about. I can tell you that even though it isn't an easy journey that I am excited to see what the end result will look like. I know that this has changed me so drastically that I will never be the same - nor would I want to. As a friend of mine so eloquently put it - there is a life before cancer and a life after cancer and through the process God is creating a new life in me.

Day 19: My Miracle

Today, if I didn't know better, I wouldn't have even known I was sick. It was so enjoyable to just be in my home and spend time with my husband and my children. I couldn't help to think that it was God giving me a glimpse of what life will be like again after all of this is over with.

 I had a conversation with Jason the other day and I wanted to share part of it with you. We were talking about how so many people were praying for a miracle in that I wouldn't have cancer. I know we prayed for that same miracle but we also prepared ourselves for the reality that I did.

It was then that it hit me that I was witnessing a different kind of miracle. The way our family, friends and community have rallied around us has been amazing. It has been a miracle. The way that people respond to this blog, it has been a miracle. In the last month this blog has received over 3,200 hits from 8 different countries. That is a miracle.

I told Jason that I knew why God didn't give us that miracle - He had a completely different miracle in mind. If He would have given me that miracle, everyone would have rejoiced and then in a month (or less) it would have been forgotten by most. He has far more that He wants to accomplish through this. Out of 3,200 hits if even one of those people was not a believer and just experienced God's love, even for a second....now that is a miracle and I feel so blessed to be apart of it.

Funny's of the Day

1.) Our sink drips. We got a new faucet right before my diagnosis and of course Jason hasn't had time to install it because he is taking care of the fam all of the time. :-) So, it was dripping more steadily than normal and Jason reached over with his big bear paw and cranks it down. It makes one of those breaking sounds - hinting that it is just about to break if it hasn't already. We waited for a second and water didn't spew. I give him the look look - you know the one. The one that says, "you are so lucky." He smiles and of all he things he can say he says, "feel the power behind that." What? I started laughing at him and said, "You just earned your spot onto the Funny of the Day." His response: "Great, that is just where I want to be."

2.) So we have a "tween" in the house which is a whole new experience. It is always different when you are dealing with other people's kids. You can send them home. I tried that once with Cale and he was just waiting there for me when I got there. (That was a joke.) Anyway, we have sensed a new source of laziness with this pre-teenage status. For example, he drank a Gatorade and Jason asked him to rinse out the bottle because he was going to save it for something. Cale does it but then doesn't know where to put the clean bottle. So he walks over to the refrigerator, opens it, and says, "I am just going to stick it back in here." What? I know, I know, it is only going to get worse.