My Heart Check Moment

Today I was just kind of feeling blah. It wasn't that it was a bad day, but I just felt unfocused and uninspired. My heart was definitely not in it. I wasn't going to even blog tonight because who wants a unfocused and uninspiring blog? No one. I wasn't excited to write and you wouldn't be excited to read. But something just kept tugging at my heart. Tug. Tug. Tug. You know that type when you just cannot let it go and you know you either do it now or you are going to do it at 2 a.m. Your choice. Some choice.

So, I started to think about what to write about in my unfocused and uninspired mood. Maybe I should finish one of the couple hundred blogs I have started and not finished. (No, I am not exaggerating. There are a bunch.) No. That didn't sound exciting.

I thought of going on Pinterest and finding something interesting to share with you there. Pinterest always inspires me. But no. That wasn't appropriate for tonight either. Finally, a thought. For this I was grateful.

{What was I doing a year ago today?} 

Well by golly, let's look back through the ol' blog. I knew this things was good for something. So, I tracked it down and boy... did I have a heart check moment or what! Of all the days. Of all the things I could be feeling today compared to what I was feeling one year ago today.

Well, here it is: {Day 22: Chemo 2} You can read it for yourself and I really encourage you to do so if you have time and the interest. It is complete with my very own {life scripture} which I don't blog about very often because my {life scripture} was given to me at a very painful time in my life.

So, as a rundown - one year ago today I am blogging from my chemo chair. I was going through my 2nd chemo treatment. Talk about being cut to the core with your very own words and even feeling disappointment in myself that I didn't cherish today more like I should have. You see, it isn't about me being inspired. It isn't about what I am going through. Just as I wrote about a year ago - it is about me seeing the opportunities to help and inspire others. And I came so very close to missing that today.

Yes, I know I am human. I am swiftly reminded of that each and every day that I fall so short of where I should be. But that is no longer an excuse I can use as a crutch. I have been sharply shown what the alternative could be. Yes, I am a believer and yes, I know that I will meet Jesus when my days are up here in this world. But not now. Not yet. Not with my children so young. No, I still have too much to do.

Thank you God for using the very words you gave ME one year ago today to get me focused and inspired once again. I will do my best not to let you down.

Oh, and to add insult to injury (LOL) - I actually blogged a part 2 on this day one year ago as well. Here it is: {Day 22: Chemo 2 Part 2.... My Inspiration} As the title indicates, it is on {inspiration} just in case you need a little of that today.

Blessings and Love,
Andrea

Road to Recover: Step 2 {FASTING!}

Today we started our fast. By "we" I mean Jason and yours truly. Here's the short story...

I went on a fast about 2 weeks after I finished chemo. After about 5 days I got a lot of my energy back. Not all of it of course but I at least could go for walks and stuff. It was really nice after feeling so bad for so long.

I had these blister things on my fingers that I started to get about half way through my chemo treatments. They were awful. They hurt so bad and then they would itch too. I couldn't even turn the key to start the car without it hurting. But after about a week and a half of being on this fast all of those went away. Also, all of the numbness in my finger tips from the chemo went away.

Anyway, for just having gone through 12 rounds of chemo, I felt pretty good. But then they told me I had to have radiation. And one of the side effects of the fast is that you will lose weight (not complaining) but when you go through radiation you can't lose any weight so I had to stop the fast.

So, after having the radiation I have not been able to recover since - which is not abnormal. It is just that hard on you. I am tired all of the time. I wake up tired.

For example, today Jason and I went to the store. I had to chase Kearyn twice and Jason said he could tell I was "done for". Don't get me wrong - I am not telling you all of this because I want you to feel sorry for me. It is what it is and I am grateful for life. Period. However, I feel that it is important to document what I am going through so that people can have compassion towards others going through something similar.

The biggest thing I hear is that I "look fine." Well, I have said it many times - my insides don't match my outside. And how often does this happen in life. Everything looks fine on the outside and then we find out something and we are like, "Wow, I never knew. They looked totally fine on the outside." It doesn't even have anything to do with cancer. I think this has been a sharp reminder to me that I can never take that for granted in another person ever again.

We are all broken in some way. We are all dealing with something and sometimes we just need someone to understand and not take for granted that we look like everything is as it should be on the outside.

Being in this situation has forced me to be honest in a way that I struggle with. The "I'm doing fine," line just doesn't cut it. I have had to guard myself in a way that has required a brutal honesty on my part and then I pray that the person that I am telling listens. This has given me such a compassion for what others are going through - a lesson that I am glad I am learning, even if it is hard on me to learn it.

Back to the fast... I knew that I needed to go back to it but it isn't the easiest thing I have ever done. So, I have been praying for the strength and conviction to do it. That is when my hubby stepped forward and said he would do it with me and for this I am so grateful!

So, we started today. It is basically no white flour, no white rice, and no sugar of any kind. No big deal. ;-) The white rice and the white flour really isn't a big deal. But there is sugar in everything. Even you season salt has sugar in it. Then we can only eat chicken or fish. :-) There are also some supplements that you take as well, like lots of vitamin B, etc.

I know I need to do this. I cannot remain this tired for the next several months like they are telling me is the norm. I have a husband that wants his wife back and four children that want their mom back. I know that if I do what I need to on my part that God will bless me with the strength and energy that I need to be the type of wife and mother HE wants me to be.

I will keep you posted on how it goes...

A Different Kind of Joy

One thing that some people would never associate with cancer is joy. But as I have walked through this journey I have noticed some very distinctive times where I experience shear joy. Perhaps you become more aware of these moments because there are so many struggles along the way and when you feel joy it is more enhanced because of those hard times. 

I remember the first time I felt this joy.... it was July 13, 2011. It was the day I finished my chemo treatments. Now keep in mind, this was kind of a clouded joy as I had just spent the last 6 hours being pumped full of drugs. But I still felt joy. As my friends and family surrounded me outside the cancer center and offered me gifts of flowers and balloons to help me celebrate... I felt joy. 

The next time I remember feeling this joy was the day I finished radiation. This joy was even more powerful than the joy I felt after chemo. (A lot of this probably had to do with the fact that I was not pumped full of drugs that day.) But I really felt joy in that moment. I did it. I had endured a month of radiation every single day. As the staff played music and through confetti in my hair... I felt joy. 

The next time I felt this type of joy was 2 days ago. It was the oddest thing - I met with my first doctor and he gave me the news, yet, I held my heart back. I then went to the second doctor and he confirmed the news, yet, I still held back for some reason - like I was too afraid to believe it. It wasn't until he said the words, "You are now a cancer survivor," that it really hit me. That shear joy. I had done it. I had made it to the end. I had battled for my life and I had won. I felt joy. 

Today I woke up and had that joy as well. It was just a beautiful joy-filled day. (I am sure yesterday was the same I was just too tired to realize it.) But anyway, all I have right now is joy. 

The crazy thing is that I would have never chosen this for myself. If God would have given me a menu of "growth opportunities", there is no way I would have selected the "cancer" box. But if I wouldn't have gone through all of this I would have never felt this different kind of joy I am experiencing today. 

Would I do it again? Umm.... probably not. (Just being honest here.) But it is just a beautiful reminder of God's love for us. Not only will he walk through the valley with us but while we are standing on the mountain top he will show us the rainbow. I am on the mountain top right now and I can tell you... the view is beautiful. 

Blessing and Love,

Andrea

Struggles of Today....

It is important to me that I document the emotions that I am going through as we go along. I find that it is impossible to describe them accurately later on. So, here we go.

I am battling. I am battling between the peace that God is giving me and the fear that the enemy is trying to plant. It takes constant effort to keep my focus on the cross and I realize once again how exhausting it is mentally, emotionally, and most of all spiritually.

There is a lot at stake today and many of the issues I haven't even articulated yet. They just float around in my mind. But I will do my best to articulate them now.

Basically it comes down to this - they have given me the first line of defense when it comes to Hodgkin's Lymphoma. They can only give me four more treatments of this particular type of chemo and the doctor said last time that he wasn't even sure that if they would work. Evidently, the cancer cells can be resistant to chemo - which we see all the time when treatment doesn't work for certain people. It is hard to believe that as bad as it makes you feel that it wouldn't be able to kill every last thing.

Anyway, so what I struggle with is the fact that if this line of treatment doesn't work then I will be relying on a second line of treatment and there is a reason that it is the second line - it isn't as effective.

That is what I am struggling with right now. Not the idea of going through more treatment. I will go through whatever I need to in order to get even one more minute with my husband and my children.... it is the even bigger pictures. So, with each and every moment, each and every prayer, I am continually laying those thoughts down and clinging to the peace that God is providing me.

What's Next with the Cancer Treatment Plan

I have been getting the question...."What's next?" quite a lot lately. I realized that I had not given a "formal" update on what the next steps are for me and my cancer treatment. So here you go...

They do not do any type of testing of any kind for a minimum of two months after radiation.  Evidently they need to make sure that all of the swelling and stuff has gone away or that can make the results come back wonky. (Yes, wonky is a technical term - at least in my world.)

So, my scan is scheduled for December 28th and they will be doing a PET scan then. I then have my doctors' appointments on January 4th where I will meet with both my chemo and radiation oncologists. That is when we are hopeful (and when I say hopeful I really mean HOPEFUL) that I will get a clear report.

If I get a clear report I will then see my main oncologist every 3 months with a scan every 6 months. They will gradually move my check-ups further and further apart as I get clear resutls. If I can hit the 2 year mark without it coming back then my risk factor goes way down - at least for the Hodgkin's. If I can hit 5 years without it coming back then it goes way, way, way down!

If for some unforeseen reason my scan does not come back clear on the 4th of January - I have no idea what will happen. They really don't discuss those types of things with you in advance. Really, there is no point because you would then just worry about it and you don't need that.

How am I doing with it all? FANTASTIC! I am so ecstatic to be done with treatment right now - life truly could not be any better. I am just adoring all of this time that I have with my family and I am soaking up every second of it. I just feel truly blessed.

Some have asked how I am doing with the wait for my results and honestly I don't even think about it. It is what it is and there isn't anything I can do about it - so why worry about it?

I think when you go through stuff like this you just get so use to all of the testing and waiting that you don't pay that much attention to it anymore. You enjoy the times that you aren't in a doctors office or aren't being tested for something so much and you realize that is what is important. It seems pointless to take these precious minutes of life that I have been given and spend them worrying. Life is too short for that.

So, there you have it. I won't find out anything until January 4th. We are praying that God will bless us with a clean bill of health in 2012! (All prayers are welcome!)

Blessings and Love to All!
Andrea

It is JUST Plain Hard....

I was going to write a word of encouragement for a special someone that is going through a difficult time right now and I thought I would just post it here in the hopes that it would help some others as well.

It seems like there are so many people who are struggling right now and it is truly heartbreaking. If I could ease the burden for all of you - I would in a heartbeat,  but the reality is that I know there is very little I can do to make anything better for anyone. All I can do is share the love that God has so abundantly given me and pray for you. Both I will gladly and eagerly do.

I have spent a great deal of time in the "pit" myself. I know what it is like to claw your way out of the "pit" and then run into someone who says something like.... "You should just be grateful that you are in the pit at all". What? Grateful to be in the pit?!? Are you kidding me? All I want to do is to get out of this dark hole that I am in and you are telling me I should be happy to be here? No. Way!

Later, when you are finally out of the "pit", you then can understand what that person was saying. There are so many lessons to be learned in the "pit". There is so much growth that happens in the "pit" but when you are living it, when you are up close and personal to it, it is hard to see the blessings that are taking place.

I have struggled with this myself more times than I can remember. I vividly recall a particular battle of the mind occurring when I was about half way through my chemo treatments. I was struggling in a bad way. I was cranky and that whole "grace and peace" thing was pretty much non-existent in my world. I was at a very low point physically. Mentally and emotionally I was shot. (Not proud of all of the above.)

A friend of mine ended up coming over and told me that I should feel grateful to be getting chemo at all. That started an additional battle of the mind. Was I not grateful? Did people perceive me as not being grateful? That was never my intention at all. I did not want one person to feel like I was not grateful for every morsel of life I was being given. But I was sick and I hurt so badly - there were not words to describe how awful I felt.

Finally, another friend of mine, one who I had actually gone through treatment with for the same type of cancer (she had finished her treatment before I did). Anyway, she always has this perfect timing. She will send me a text or stop by and see me when I am struggling the most. I shared with her my struggles and she gave me true words of wisdom that I ended up clinging to - well, to this very day.

She said, "It's not that you aren't grateful. It is just hard." (I know. She is brilliant isn't she.)

Being grateful for something does not mean that you can't admit that something is hard. So many times we feel like when we are going through hard times we need to radiate this positive attitude and act like that it is all just rainbows and lollipops. (A term that Jason and I like to use a lot.) It is not rainbows and lollipops. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is... well, it is JUST plain hard.

And on the other hand, just because something is hard doesn't mean that we aren't going to receive blessings for it or aren't receiving blessings for it this very moment that we don't even realize.

When you are going through a trial (or are in the "pit" as I like to call it) it is impossible to see the big picture. Actually, we won't see the "big picture" until we finally meet Jesus. But we can't lose faith. In fact, that is the very definition of faith. Believing in what we can't see.

I know for those of you who are struggling this means very little. But perhaps, just perhaps, there is a tiny bread crumb of hope that you can cling to. It's not that you aren't grateful, it is just hard.

Blessings,
Andrea

{rad-i-a-tion}

Tomorrow marks the 3rd week since I have been done with my treatment and I have been tinkering with this blog post for about 2 weeks. I am not quite sure why I haven't finished it by now. Maybe because I was just happy not to be thinking about radiation, treatment in general, and most importantly - cancer.

Whenever you are diagnosed with something like cancer (or really anything major along the same lines) it becomes so much a part of your life - whether you like it or not. It also becomes a part of who you are. It becomes a part of your testimony. But where the true battle comes in is not letting it take over and define who you are.

Yes, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Yes, I went through 6 months of chemotherapy. Yes, I went through a month of radiation. But I am not those things. They are a part of what I have done but they don't define me.

I am certain that there are many of you who can relate to what I am saying. You have these big things that happen to you, they may even change who you are completely, but they don't take over your identity. Or at least you fight like crazy to no let them.

Anyway, I don't quite know why I got off on that little tangent but I will refocus....

October meant a month of radiation for me. 20 treatments to be exact.

Prior to being diagnosed with cancer I was rather clueless as to what most of these treatment terms really meant. Honesty, I had no idea what Hodgkin's Lymphoma (or "Hodgkin's Disease" as so many are use to calling it) really was. Boy, has that changed.

I had heard of  chemo and I knew chemo was not good. EVERYONE knows chemo is not good. But I really had no idea  exactly what chemo entailed. I knew even less about radiation - so I had no idea what to expect. (With the exception of sitting next to a little old lady in a waiting room one time where she informed me that I should be SO grateful that I only had to go through chemo [this was before I knew I had to have radiation] because radiation was SO much worse than chemo. At this point I made up my mind that I never never never wanted to have radiation because if chemo was kicking my tail as badly as it was.... there was no way I could survive radiation. (Hmmm.... this may be the explanation of why I had such issues going into radiation....)

So, obviously I know a lot more about radiation now that I have gone through it myself.

Here is where I always like to include my legal disclaimer..... All cancers are different. Therefore, all cancer treatments are different. And to even complicate things further - we all react differently to our own cancer treatments. So, when I tell you how it was for me that does not mean that it will be this way for the next person. Okay, that is the end of my disclaimer....

I always like to share my experiences - not because I want sympathy for myself - but because I want people to perhaps have a bit more compassion for the next person they encounter that is battling cancer.

I know when any of us hear about someone being diagnosed with the "big C" our hearts always sink. We know the treatment isn't going to be pretty and the road is going to be long and hard but do we really know what the road looks like for them? No. And you aren't going to know from my story either. But you can know what questions to ask. You might just know a little more than you did before and for me, that is what this is all about. Informing one another so that we are better equipped to help one another.

If one person is loved on just a bit more because of what I have gone through - well then it makes it that much better for everyone involved now doesn't it.

So, back to radiation. First of all, I only received a little over half of what someone with say breast cancer would receive. So in that regard, mine was a lot easier. There were several things that concerned me about radiation and I shared many of those on here before. Namely, because of my age, it increases my risk of a secondary cancer. But after spending some time on my knees - okay, let's be honest, a great deal of time on my knees I have surrendered that to God and moved on. Really, what can I do about it? If I can't beat the first cancer, it does me no good to worry about a second one.

However, when I went in to do my "dry run" (yes, they actually do "radiation practice" before they start the real thing) they drew this thing that was the size of Texas on my chest and neck. They had said that it was going to be "spot" radiation. The only place this sucker could have been considered a "spot" is if it was on a horse.

So, again, I had to return to my knees for a great deal of prayer time. Finally I was able to surrender that over to God as well. (Are we picking up on a common theme here? Lots of knee time, lots of surrendering. The story of my life it seems.)

When you go for radiation you have to go everyday (except for weekends). So my treatments took 4 weeks. That was probably the biggest pain of it all. Trying to re-arrange my family's entire schedule just so I could have radiation each day.

At first, I noticed nothing. Then after a few days I began to feel a lump in my throat when I would try to swallow. It wasn't painful - I just had to work a little harder to get the food down. Then it started to really hurt. So, of course when you know it is going to hurt to eat you pretty much lose your appetite. For those of you who are thinking - she should of just cranked up the milk shakes - it hurt to swallow liquids too. Darn it.

However, you cannot lose more than 5 pounds when you are going through radiation or they start to get super cranky at you. Prior to starting radiation they make a mold thingy (I use terms like "thingy" when I don't know what they are really called) that you have to lay in when you get zapped (don't know the technical term here either) and so if you lose weight then you don't fit into your "mold thingy" anymore. Talk about getting stressed out every week when it was "weigh-in day". I ended up losing  6 pounds but they didn't yell at me too much.

It also burns your skin. Mine did not burn too badly. I did break out in blisters about a week or two after I was done. (The side effects of radiation continue to get worse after you are done for a few weeks before they get better - isn't that nice.) But my side effects where no where near what many go through. There was a dear sweet lady that was going through radiation for breast cancer right after me and her skin was literally purple she was burned so bad. It hurt me just looking at her and to this day I still hurt for her.

Finally, there is the fatigue. And that is what I am still dealing with. With the chemo/radiation combo it is going to just take some time for me to be back to my old self again. They guesstimated 6-8 months. So, we will see how it goes.

Sorry this one is so long. Talk to you soon!

Andrea

My Cancer Journey is Not Over...

Many of you have been emailing, texting, calling, etc. wondering what in the world is going on with my cancer. I am sorry for the delay but it just took some time to get everything figured out and prayed about. We also took some time away where we did just that - had time away.

As I started meeting with my doctors at the end of August I was just very adamant that I needed this time away with my family before we could proceed with anything. They (a couple of them reluctantly) agreed to let me have that time and I. am. grateful! I will be posting some pictures about that soon and telling some fun stories as well. But for now... on with the update...

Here is the situation.... they can't tell me for sure if the cancer is there but evidently when you get a result like I have, that is a strong indication that the cancer is not gone.

Jason and I have spent hours praying for what my best option is right now. We have also been praying diligently for God to give the doctors the wisdom needed to make the best recommendations for my situation and so this is what has been decided as a result of all of that...

The biopsy that they wanted to do initially... that is out now. We are not doing it. After meeting with the surgeon and talking with him for over an hour we did not have a good feeling about this - which I think I can say the surgeon felt as well. I don't want to put words in his mouth or anything but he did say, "Well, you aren't going to make it easy on me are you...." It may just be me, but when surgeon says that... it doesn't give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside and you don't just automatically say, "Oh yes please, cut me open." Especially for something like I was going to have. Basically they were going to have to go in the front of my neck, miss the carotid artery, the nerve that keeps me breathing and my heart beating, the nerve to my voice box and then behind my thyroid to get to it.... So, after my multi-doctor team got together, they agreed that it is too risky and too invasive for the results that they were going to get from it. So .... the biopsy is out.

However, radiation is now in. I think many of you remember this post (Bad News Good News) where we initially decided not to go through the radiation and I ended up going through 12 treatments of chemo to try to avoid it. Well, that didn't completely work and so we need to do what we need to do in order to make sure we get this all taken care of the first time around. The risk is still there for secondary cancers, heart damage, lung damage, etc. However, we are just praying for God's protection against those things.

Moving right along to chemo.... There are actually only 4 more treatments that the doctor can give me of this particular chemo treatment and after discussing the possibility of using these yesterday with my doc he is not convinced that using these at this time is the best option. I have to tell you that I am not sad about that in the slightest. I would do it if it was necessary but I am relieved to not have to go that route - right now at least.

So, how I am doing... well I feel mentally exhausted. I find that it takes a great deal of mental energy to take all of the information in, ask the questions that need to be asked, and then process it all. Then you have to take all of that and seek God.

When I was first diagnosed....(you  remember Day 1: Shock) the decision was SOOOO easy. I like to call it a PASS/FAIL type of situation. God clearly provided the path and it was like you need to do this or your going to die. So we did it because that was a pretty simple decision to make when you are doing all you can do to stay here for your husband and your children.

Now, it is much different - much harder. There are so many more things that have to be considered and I feel a bit like I am walking a tight rope. You are thinking about the fact that you haven't had enough treatment to get rid of this cancer and what can potentially happen there, then you think about getting too much treatment and getting a secondary cancer that could be even worse. All the while you are desperately trying to hear God's voice in it all so you can truly follow His will. Finally, you just have to release it all... surrender it all to the Lord and say God, I have no idea what I am suppose to do here or if I am even hearing you correctly right now. But I do know that if I am not hearing you correctly that you will have grace for me because that is who you are.

He is ultimately in control of all of this..... radiation or no radiation, chemo or no chemo, cancer or no cancer. And as hard as it is to realize sometimes... if He wants me here He will keep me here and if He wants to take me home - well then He will take me home... All you can do is trust Him and love Him regardless.

Please just keep praying. I hear everyday from people on how they are praying for me and I am just so grateful for that. I am encouraged and amazed at the network of fellow believers that God has so faithfully surrounded me with. Blessings to you all.

~Andrea

The Waiting...

So, most of you know I had my scan about 2 weeks ago and my doctor called me to tell me that there was still a spot in my neck and they couldn't tell what it was with that scan so I had to go in for a PET Scan this past Thursday.

For all of you hold your breath we still don't have the results. Oh, you can stop holding your breath too because you will probably pass out before I get the results. :-)

Anyway, it has become clear to me that the waiting is very hard on you all. I think it is harder on you than it is for Jason and me. This does however make me feel very loved knowing that you all care so much. But really, I am doing really well. I am at peace with everything (even if I get results that are not exactly what we hoped for.)

I know God is going to heal me. It is this overwhelming feeling I feel in my chest - it is so great that it makes me feel like my chest is going to explode actually. I don't know how he is going to heal me. I don't know when he is going to heal me. I just know that he will - and maybe he already has.

Thank you for reading and God bless you all!

Chemo #12....{Hopefully My Last}

Chemo #12 was pretty rough. It was rough right out of the gate - far worse than any other treatment. I was very weak even before I left the cancer center. I am always weak when I am done with my treatments but this time I was even more so.

Upon leaving the cancer center......I was surprised by this.

These are the the friends and family that decided to surprise me outside the cancer treatment center to celebrate my last treatment {hopefully}. The crazy thing is that it was like a million degrees out there and my treatment ran late so they all waited like 45 minutes in the blazing heat! I feel so loved.

They brought me balloons, flowers, even cupcakes! I was overwhelmed of course at the thought of all of these people taking time out of their busy day to wait for me. Thank you and I love you all! It was such a blessing to have you all there.

After my treatment I was pretty much bed-ridden for the next 5 days. I couldn't hold my eyes open with toothpicks I was so exhausted. At least I wasn't throwing up though. I would much rather sleep for 5 days than throw up.

Now, I am still recovering. They told me it would take 6-8 months. I feel like I have had to dedicate so much time to this stupid disease but I know God has a plan.

So now I have to wait for the next set of tests to determine whether or not my cancer is gone and I am truly in remission. In the meantime I am enjoying the time that I have regardless. I refuse to sit and think the worst all of the time and waste my days away. Whether I need more treatments or not these days are still gifts from God and I intend to enjoy them to the fullest.
Love you all and thanks for reading.

~Andrea

Emotions are Running High!

This past week has been super emotional for me. Every time I sat down to blog I would start getting teary eyed and just not wanting to face the emotion of it all I would find myself wondering off to do something else. The emotion is not bad - what we have gone through is very emotional. I have had times where I have laughed and times that I have cried - and I am so thankful that I am alive to do both. But when you have a husband and 3 boys who are very tuned into their wife and mother - if they see me crying they immediately want to rush in a fix what is wrong and this isn't something that can be fixed.

I can't even tell you why I am so emotional. Maybe because I am at the end and I have been waiting and dreaming of this all to be over for nearly 6 long months. Maybe it is because I am scared that this next chemo treatment will be worse than the last one and I don't want to go through that again - EVER! Maybe it is because I am afraid the cancer really isn't gone and they will deliver me the news that I will need more treatments - or worse. I find myself thinking about that and holding my breath slightly - hoping for the best but still fearing the worst.

Anyway, I am also super emotional because my friend Autumn came over on Thursday and dropped off meals galore to get us through this next chemo treatment (Wednesday). She had called in the troops and they filled our freezer with the most amazing meals. That probably makes me the most emotional. Despite the fact that I usually can't eat that much during my treatments and my taste-buds are completely dead.... my friends are taking care of my family while I can't and that brings so much joy to my heart it is truly overwhelming. It is overwhelming because they know my heart is for my family and they know that if they are taken care of that I will rest easier which will allow my recovery to come much sooner. Through that I feel so loved....thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all you have done to love on me but more importantly for loving on my family.

I really feel like God is just clearly reminding me how very blessed I am. As I watched the fireworks - one of my very favorite holidays - I just soaked it all up. I was so thankful to be able to experience that once again with my family. As I have my birthday coming up tomorrow for the first time since my early twenties I am truly grateful to be turning another year older. (Yeah, I never thought that would happen.) And for those of you who are secretly wondering how old I am and are just too polite to ask (for all of you who aren't my Facebook friends where it is so glaringly displayed) I will be 32 and I am very very proud of it. (Here I go again with the tears...)

{7 Days}.....and Counting!

I am finally through treatment #11. It was by far the toughest one yet. It was so bad that on Sunday Jason had to take me to the E.R. because I couldn't even keep a sip of fluid down. I always marvel at the timing of things. Of course that could not occur on a day when the cancer center was open. No....these things always have to happen on a night or a weekend don't they.

Throughout it all, I know I have never been as bad off as I was on Sunday. I told Jason later that I felt like my life was flashing before my eyes but every time it would start to happen I would wake myself up. I remembered all kinds of things that I had long forgotten. I like to think that God was placing those images in my mind to remind me what I am fighting for but at the time I wasn't taking any chances....

I always tell Jason that the worst part for me is when my brain becomes so cloudy that I can't think straight. I was definitely there - forget about all of the physical symptoms. Time seemed to stand still as I my body agonized to recover. 

People always ask me what the chemo is like.... and for that I struggle to find the words....perhaps like the worst flew I have ever had on steroids? And then I get to go through it every other week.... I don't know. And then again, it is so different for everyone. I had a lady tell me the other day that I needed to be happy I had just the chemo (happy would probably never be a word to describe my chemo but that is just a side note) because that was the easy part for her - she "breezed right through it" and it was the radiation that did her in. She had a completely different type of cancer then I have of course. My response to her was, "Well, my chemo is doing a pretty good job of kicking my tail by yes, I am grateful that I don't have to have radiation too." What else can you say? Each battle is our own. Each type of cancer, each treatment plan, the response that each of our bodies has to it, even the treatments vary greatly from one treatment to the next. The only constant is God and I am clinging to him.

{14 Days}....and Counting!

First of all I need to share some blessings of mine today. I had many. Some very good friends stopped by and saw me at the cancer center. I always feel so blessed the people take time out of their schedules to come see me. It just means so much and it makes the 6 hours I spend there go by much faster too!

Then, my dear sweet friend Autumn brought our family dinner for tonight while I was at the center and she made me (yes, I am using the term "me" - I haven't all together decided whether or not I will share this with the rest of the fam or not) this incredible strawberry shortcake dessert. In fact, I am eating right now and it is so good. I can actually taste it. Nothing can perk you up from chemo like strawberry shortcake! Thanks Autumn!

I was also blessed because my kids were able to go to my friend Georgia's house today which they have been missing like crazy. They got to play with their 3 little friends and Georgia was able to play with the baby. I don't know who has more fun - the kids or Georgia playing with the baby. I just feel so blessed to have friends and family (and the friends who have turned into family) that we have. I love you all. 

I even think my little eye spied Miss Rissa there. (She is the babysitter that Georgia and I share.) Technically she is our babysitter first because we found her.... just kidding. Miss Rissa has a big enough heart to love us all - and there is no doubt in my mind that she does love us and we love her dearly too! 

Anyway, I feel abundantly blessed today even though I have chemo on the brain and my body is super tired. 14 days and counting until my last treatment! And then, as Autumn so frequently reminds me... we are going to party like it is 1999! Yes, you are now going to have that song stuck in your head all night....:-) 

Chemo #11....Plus a Funny of the Day

So, I am laying here (literally) after having my 11th treatment today. I feel quite haggard to be very honest with you. After coming home I ended up sleeping for several hours. Then when I woke up I was so weak that I could barely lift my arms and legs. I also started suffering from nausea and acid reflux that makes all my pregnancies look like a picnic at the park.

I took all my medication - one to cover one symptom and then others to cover the side-effects of that pill and that goes on and on it seems. Prior to this I rarely took pills of any kind - even a Tylenol for a headache. Look at me now! Soon it will be over and the pills will hopefully be gone for good.

The next 3 days will be rough. I get my immunity booster shot tomorrow and it will take me out for at least 24 hours. Sunday or Monday I should be feeling better (hopefully).

This is my 2nd to the last one. So close to the end. I am so determined to get this done and over with. I want my life back.  :-)

Thanks for all your prayers and support.

Blessings!
Andrea

P.S. Okay, I have a "Funny of the Day" for you..... My 11-year-old is a book-aholic. He reads every minute that he can. So, we were going to the store recently to get diapers and other things to prepare for my down week and my son asks, "Can I take my book in and read while we are walking around?" Yes, he was dead serious and for those of you who know him I am sure you are not surprised. I got such a kick out of this.

Chemo #10......{Come Undone}

I have always loved this song - even before I was diagnosed. Pretty crazy how things turn out sometimes. I haven't posted a new song in a while and this one has been on my heart for a long time. Finally, tonight I just really felt called to post it. It seems to describe what I am going through {tonight especially} fairly well.

I hope you enjoy it.





As I come in and out of the "chemo coma" as I call it in the most affectionate way possible I don't really have the strength for a long post - I apologize for that. You may just see "baby posts" for the next couple of days if I have the strength. (Some of you are probably cheering right now as you are tired of my long ramblings. :-)

The treatments are becoming increasingly harder. My body is weak and I have to rely on Jason to even get me out of bed right now.

My spirits are good though... I just feel like there is so much work to be done. In fact, I started crying today because I want to get on with the work I am feeling like I am being called to do and yet I am stuck in bed. Jason saw me crying and Jason asked me what was wrong and so I told him. His extremely loving and supportive answer just touched my heart.....

Jason: "So, what are you doing just laying there?"

You have to love this man. I do. He made me laugh.

I know God has his timing in all things and he wants me to fully recover. In the beginning I felt this peace about it being 4-6 months and then I would be well again. I still believe that. It is just hard when you see so much work to be done and so many people to help. But God does have the perfect timing and so I will wait as patiently as possible for him to finally tell me to "go" and I will go. (Hey, that is another song...)

Talk to you soon my friends. Love you all!

~Andrea

Prepping My {Heart} for Chemo #10

Today was a good day. I was able to have lunch with one of my closest friends and we were able to just catch up. We haven't been able to do that in quite a while and it was just nice. While having lunch our babysitter who hasn't watched the kids in a while due to the upheaval in our schedule was able to watch the kids and they just enjoyed it immensely. They have missed her so much.

Then I came home and prepped a fun oriental chicken salad dinner for the discipleship team from the youth group. (I will post a couple of pictures here soon.) We played fun youth group games and it was just so nice to be able to reconnect with them. Since my diagnosis I have not been able to be as involved as I was before and I miss them.

 Now I am sitting in front of my computer as I so often do in the evenings and I am trying to wrap my mind around my thoughts for tomorrow. I have been praying for strength lately. My body is fatigued. The last 2 treatments have been harder than the previous treatments - I know that is hard to believe as they are all just bad. During that 5 days or so I can now barely lift my head off the pillow.

I know I will get through it - God is here with me - I really do know that. But the chemo takes you right up to this line and for a while there you think that you might just fall right over the cliff. In desperation you almost start to grasp at anything you can to save yourself from going over the edge and then you have to remind yourself that the only thing strong enough to hold you is God himself. His grace is enough.

I don't have the deep since of dread that I had before last treatment. It feels like just something that I have to do - like going into labor. Although I know going through labor was much easier for me than chemo.

Anyway, I still haven't really identified how I feel about this next treatment. Maybe determination....I just want to get through it and get it over with.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. They mean so much to me. Love to all!

Andrea

30 Days & Counting.....{Take 2}

Some of you may remember this post that I posted on April 18th. It was 30 Days & Counting when I thought I only had 30 days left until my last treatment....

Today marks my new 30 day mark. 30 days from now {God willing} I will have my last treatment..... I feel this nervous excitement. Like I want to believe it but I am scared to believe. I have been battling with doubts for about a week now... The "what-if's" start creeping in and it takes a great deal of focus and prayer to get them out. I will post more about how I am dealing with that a little later.

But, here we go again.... 30 day & Counting.... {Take 2}

One Word: Dread

So I have to admit - I am absolutely dreading tomorrow. Chemo #9....

With being sick this last week I feel like I just had my last chemo treatment and then all of the sudden it is time for another one. Yet, I am not ready. I have things to do, people to see, places to go....toilets to clean....anything but having chemo.

This is where the going gets tough. I must get my big girl boots on and place one foot in front of the other. Soon I will be at the end. I have 6 weeks and 1 day until my last treatment. (Side note: my birthday is actually 6 weeks from today. I have never really cared whether my birthday came or not - at least not in my adult years - but this year I am excited for it to come because that means I will be at the end.) Anyway, 6 weeks and 1 day from today I will be having my last treatment and it can't get here fast enough.

I will have 4 treatments in 6 weeks (3 of them being in June). If I can survive June I can survive anything!

Making it even harder - Jason is leaving tomorrow morning for a mission trip. This was all planned when we thought I would only have 8 treatments - God had different plans though. I will miss Jason dearly. He takes such good care of me and puts up with my whining. It will definitely be a challenge without him. My mom is stepping in while he is gone and the kids are so happy to have grandma here.

So, where do you go when you are dreading something - the bible of course.

Psalm 27:1 (Amplified Bible)

[A Psalm] of David.

 ¹THE LORD is my Light and my Salvation--whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?

Chemo #8

So, today I had treatment #8...... the funny thing is - like there is something funny about chemo - but I keep forgetting how many treatments I have had. I have to keep reminding myself. That is a clear sign that you have had too many treatments. LOL!

There are four more to go. Four seems so much more manageable than 5 doesn't it? Maybe it is just me.

I pretty much crashed when I got home today. I usually do okay on my treatment day and have a real hard time the Thursday, Friday, and Saturday after treatment but this treatment seems to be different. What am I saying? They have all been different. Not one has been the same.

Don't get me wrong, I am doing okay. Hey, I'm alive! That is good news right there - just super tired and trying to get a handle on the side effects.

I know I am dreadfully behind on my blogging but God has just been doing so many amazing things right now. First the Laundry Love Project this past week and then He has just been presenting ministry opportunity after ministry opportunity. I am doing my best to pay attention and trying to keep up!

I will keep you all updated over the next few days on how I am doing. I appreciate all of your prayers. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I do see it. It is starting to burn brighter now and before you know it we will be there.

Love to all!
Andrea

Chemo #7.....Blah

On Wednesday I had my 7th chemo treatment. It is hard for me to believe that I have been through this 7 times now. I think it is kind of been a blur...obviously a gift from God to minimize all of the pain I have endured.

I had someone ask me the other day what chemo was like and I was really caught of guard by that. At the time I had gone through 6 treatments and that was honestly the first time someone had asked me that question. I was totally unprepared and ended up giving a terrible answer I am sure but the question has been swirling around in my mind every since. I would love to find a way to describe what it is like so that people can have a real sympathy for it - not for me - but for your neighbor, friend, and family member. Everyone seems to know someone close to them that has cancer, gone through cancer, or will go through cancer and I continually pray that the Lord will use my experience to help others. That He will use my words to articulate what it is all about so that maybe you have just a little clearer picture on what that special person in your life is going through and you can be there to support them in a way that maybe you didn't know possible before.

So what is chemo like? Now I am going to throw a wrench in the whole works and not give a direct answer - It is different for everyone. :-) I know, I know, how is THAT suppose to help you help anyone. Well, it doesn't. But let me go on......My chemo rolls around every other week which does not give me a whole lot of time to recover. I feel like I finally get to feeling well again and try to cram everything I need to do in just a few days and then it is time for another treatment. Others have chemo every three weeks, every week, once a month, and so on and so forth. It just depends on what type of cancer you have and what stage you are at.

Also, there are many different types of chemo. Evidently there are people who can just take a pill (where can you sign up for that option I would sure like to know) but for others it is done through an i.v. My chemo is pumped into me with an i.v. and as I have shared before, I have a port that creates easy access and saves my veins.

I get several drugs pumped into me during each chemo treatment. There is of course the pre-chemo cocktail as I like to call it. For everyone else in the planet it puts them into a nice nap. For me - not so much. I sit there wide awake while they continue to give me the 4 drugs that make up my chemo concoction. My plan is called the "ABVD" - (sounds like a new investment plan - I wish) and cleverly each of the letters represents one of the drugs. This is suppose to be the good stuff when it comes to kicking the Hodgkin's tail. I sure hope so.

As they inject my body with all of the stuff I don't really feel much most of the time. Sometimes I feel a bit nauseated for a few moments but that is generally something that last just for a few moments. I have had stomach cramps in the past and other funky side effects but those aren't the norm. I do know after sitting for several hours when I try to stand up my legs feel heavy and I do feel weak and that is the standard for me for the next few days.

My dear hubby kindly loads me up after chemo, takes me home, and puts me to bed. I don't feel good but I don't feel terrible at that point....just blah. Sometimes I have nausea in the evenings. I have to constantly keep something in my stomach or it gets worse. My palate is pretty limited on what sounds good now. I seem to associate everything that I use to like with the nausea and - you guessed it - the thought of that particular item makes me nauseous all over again and so it must be avoided.

I think I struggle with the nausea more than most do. You aren't really suppose to have nausea with chemo now-a-days. But I am on about 4 or 5 different nausea meds and I still struggle with it. Thursday morning is about the same as Wednesday. I just feel blah. I may be having hot flashes, etc.  but I am still able to cope pretty well. The hard part for me comes Thursday afternoon. 24 hours after chemo they give me a booster shot to help my immunity. I have heard that this can cause severe pain in people. It does cause me some discomfort but mostly it just completely knocks me out and I need to sleep a lot for the next few days. I do get some aches and pains along with it but to actually feel those I have to be coherent and most of the time after my shot I am not. I struggle with this for the next few days - usually Saturday, Sunday, and on into Monday. The times I am awake I feel uncomfortable pretty much all the time. I feel like my G.I. system is just completely shot. Everything burns when it goes down and everything causes me heartburn making it even worse. Pepto and Pepcid are close friends of mine now and they do an okay job of making the discomfort bearable.

I have done a great deal of research regarding chemo for Hodgkin's Lymphoma patients - for those who know me I know you are not surprised by this. I research everything. Anyway,  I have read multiple times that Hodgkin's Lymphoma patients should expect to feel tire 1-2 days a month - the days of their chemo. Anytime I read this I generally want to write whoever decided to put that little tid-bit of incorrect info a letter explaining what really happens and ask them where they got such information. And it isn't just me - I did consider the fact that I might just be a big baby about the whole chemo thing, I really did consider that - but I do know other patients with HL and even though they all do handle it differently and it doesn't affect us all the same, they are a bit more fatigued than just 1-2 days a month. So, if you happen to ever read that in all of the research I know you are doing on HL - just throw that concept out the window. I can tell you it is not true.

Anyway, that is my chemo in a nutshell. I am 3 days past now - dealing with heavy fatigue, the gross feeling of nausea on an off, and the feeling that my entire G.I. system is on fire but I am getting through it. For those of you who have been dying to know what my chemo is like (I am laying the sarcasm on super thick here) now you have finally found the answer and can cross that one off the list. You can move onto much more exciting things like how hang nails form or why men have the ability to actually think of "nothing".

Praying this finds all of you happy, healthy, and blessed,

~Andrea