Coping with Fear

I like to document the tough stuff as I am going through it.
This is not easy as it forces me to be very vulnerable.
However, I feel that this is what God wants me to do.
So, I do it.

First, I want to help others.
And it is so much easier for someone to relate to me if they are reading my words as I am going through something.
Not days or even weeks later as I am trying to remember how I was feeling.
They can say - yeah, I feel exactly the same way.
Or, that is a different perspective.
And maybe even the occasional - wow, she's crazy.
But whatever their reaction, they can see that I am coming from a very real and honest place.
And that is important to me.

Second, this helps me greatly to process what I am going through.
It forces me to look at the real issues behind whatever I am facing.
Deal with them.
Pray about them.
And.
Hopefully.
Experience healing.

Help for others.
Healing for me.
Those are good things and when you deal with cancer you need all the good things your can get.

So, the issue.
I have been dealing with fear lately.
Namely - the fear that the cancer is back.

This is a common fear I know.
Nearly every person that has battled cancer has shared the same fear at one point or another.
This fear also accompanies the fear of dying.
At least for me it does.
I don't want to speak for anyone else.

Honestly, I am just not ready to die.
Pure and simple.
That is as honest as I can be right there.
But I do realize how little control I have over that...

Anyway, I have been dealing with this fear thing.
And I wanted to share how I really cope with it.
What works for me and maybe even what doesn't.
Not sure where this is going really.

I have identified my fear as the fear of the unknown.
I don't know if the cancer is still gone or if it is back.
If it is back, will I die?
Might as well cut to the chase and be brutally honest.
Otherwise, what's the point?

Strangely, I don't fear treatment.
Treatment stinks.
In fact, if I were to ever choose a time to use stronger language that would be entirely inappropriate - this would probably be that time.
But I will refrain.
I know, such a rebel.

But I honestly can go through any treatment that is thrown at me...
As long as I live.
That is my heart right there.

I want to see my babies grow up.
I want to see them graduate.
I want to see them get married.
I want to be a grandma.
I want to have old people problems.
Whatever those are.
I want them.
I want to see my husband's hair turn gray.
I want to hold his wrinkled hand.
I want to have piles and piles of precious memories.
And when I finally get to the end of my days my family can celebrate because I lived enough.
Right now I just don't feel like I have lived enough yet.

Yes, I am crying.
So, if you are crying too then we will just cry together.

I have a few more days before I officially find out my results.
(Wednesday, for those of you who are wondering.)

So, I have a choice.
I can spend those days consumed by fear, crying non-stop.
Thinking of the "what-if's" and "unknowns".
Isolating myself from the world - and maybe even my family.

But, honestly, what good is that going to do?
None.

So, how do I get control of it?
Here is what I do...

For me, I focus on the known.
1.) I just had my blood work done in June and it looked good. There was no cause of concern then.
2.) We were prayerful and thoughtful about my treatment. God gave us a peace about it and I walked it out 100%.
3.) Just because I know people who are going back into treatment does not mean I will have to go back into treatment. Everyone is different. Every case is unique. Each cancer is different.
4.) The cure rate for the cancer I had is very high. Almost the best you can get when it comes to cancer.
5.) Even if the cancer is back that does not automatically mean that I am going to die. (This is a big one here.)
6.) Ultimately God is in control. Whether the cancer is still gone or it is back - God will give me the strength I need to get through it and do what I need to do. 

It is important to realize that because I am struggling with this issue does not mean that I am having a crisis in faith.
I say that because when you are standing on this end and you receive people's reactions - it feels like that is sometimes implied.
I know God's goodness.
Even today.

What this does mean is that I am human.
It does mean that I understand that God's will may be different than my will.
It means that I respect that just because I am a Christian that does not mean that my life is going to be rainbows and lollipops.
I am going to go through hard things.
Life is going to be hard sometimes.
After all, look at what Jesus endured.
Without sin.
He died for our sin.
The ultimate.
If He went through that, what makes me think that I won't have to go through hard things too.
After all, He was the son of God.

Yes, I cling to my faith.
I cling to my hope.
And God gives me the courage.

I pray for peace.
And I know I will find it.
Sometimes it just takes a little time.
And focusing on what I KNOW.

And what I know is...
That God is Good.
All the Time.

Thanks for reading.

Bad Cancer Day...

My lack of blogging in the last couple of weeks had not been due to bad things.
It has actually been the opposite.

We have been trying to soak up every last minute of summer before we start school.
But more of that later.

Today, however, was not the best day I have ever had.
I am not sharing this because I want to sound selfish in any way.
This is not about me.
This is about sharing my heart every step of this journey to help others.
Even on my bad days when I would prefer to remain quiet.

I feel called to do this to give those who may not have the words a voice to represent what they are gong through.

I feel called to do this to give those who might be looking for a way to help someone in my situation some perspective on some of the things the person they are trying to help may be dealing with.

So, what made this day so difficult? Here is a rundown...

It started with me going to church.
I ran into a friend that I actually went through radiation with.
She gave me the news that her cancer was back.
I tried desperately  to fight back the tears for her.
I failed.

I know her heart.
I know her desire to stay here on this earth to raise her little girl.
I know her fear.
I would do anything to make it all better for her and I can't.
All I can do is pray.

This hit me hard.
It hit me hard for her.
It hit me hard for me.

First, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to know you have to go back into treatment again.
The first time around is hard enough.
But the one thing you do have is ignorance.
Ignorance to the fact of how hard it is really going to be.
The second time around you don't have that anymore.
You know.
And you have to do it anyway.

She is the 4th or 5th person that I was in treatment with that their cancer has come back.
I would be lying if I said that this does not cause me fear for my own cancer journey.
And, this always seems to happen right before I go in for my own scans.

My next scan is only a couple of weeks away.
The battle of the mind began today.
I am praying diligently that I can get it in control again quickly.

Next, our church had a concert tonight where Audrey Assad was the performer.
She shared that last September her husband was diagnosed with cancer.
Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
The same cancer I had.

Then, she shares that she has a friend who is dying this week.
Yes, from cancer.
She has two small children she will be leaving behind.
Even now my tears flow.

My heart just hurts so badly for that family.
My heart also screams, "No, please don't let this happen to me!"
Please God, allow me to stay here.

I just want to raise my children.
I just want to be a wife to my husband.

Finally, we were driving home...
I was just about to ask Jason about his thoughts on all this mention of cancer.
Just at that moment a mom came on the radio and started talking about her 3 year old having cancer.

So, my heart is heavy with so many things tonight.
Sadness.
Worry.
Fear.

Yet, all I can do is remain hopeful.
Keep my faith.
Know that God has already gone before me.
Pray.

And as my husband so gently reminded me of a couple of different times today....

Don't limit God.

Struggles of Today....

It is important to me that I document the emotions that I am going through as we go along. I find that it is impossible to describe them accurately later on. So, here we go.

I am battling. I am battling between the peace that God is giving me and the fear that the enemy is trying to plant. It takes constant effort to keep my focus on the cross and I realize once again how exhausting it is mentally, emotionally, and most of all spiritually.

There is a lot at stake today and many of the issues I haven't even articulated yet. They just float around in my mind. But I will do my best to articulate them now.

Basically it comes down to this - they have given me the first line of defense when it comes to Hodgkin's Lymphoma. They can only give me four more treatments of this particular type of chemo and the doctor said last time that he wasn't even sure that if they would work. Evidently, the cancer cells can be resistant to chemo - which we see all the time when treatment doesn't work for certain people. It is hard to believe that as bad as it makes you feel that it wouldn't be able to kill every last thing.

Anyway, so what I struggle with is the fact that if this line of treatment doesn't work then I will be relying on a second line of treatment and there is a reason that it is the second line - it isn't as effective.

That is what I am struggling with right now. Not the idea of going through more treatment. I will go through whatever I need to in order to get even one more minute with my husband and my children.... it is the even bigger pictures. So, with each and every moment, each and every prayer, I am continually laying those thoughts down and clinging to the peace that God is providing me.

14 Days & 21 Days From Today.... {Prayer Request}

I have enjoyed the last 6 weeks tremendously. Really, there are no words to describe my enjoyment. I have only had one doctor's appointment in that time and no treatments of any kind. It has been spectacular.

For the month of November I did very little. I basically hung out with my kids and my hubby as much as possible and just really enjoyed the normalcy of life again. I cleaned a lot too. Oh, and cooked. I really like cooking. I also had to established a "new normal" which I will talk about in a later post.

But today, it hit me.... my next PET scan is 14 days from today and then 7 days after that I will get the results. I started feeling those butterflies in my stomach. I started having that feeling of uncertainty in my heart. The "what if's" start creeping in my mind. And yes, since I am being truly honest here... even fear.

The fear of the cancer not really being gone. The fear of having to go back into treatment again - can I really endure any more? The fear, the fear, the fear.

I have heard from a few different people that fear means False Evidence Appearing Real. Well, 99% of the time I agree with that statement but when you are dealing with something like cancer I think it becomes different. Or at least it is different for me right now where I am at.

You see, I haven't received that clean slate yet. I haven't been given the good news that I am all clear. We are still in the "hoping" stage. I have also been down this road before. In August after I had finished all of my chemo and went in for my scan.... they fully anticipated me being clear then.... but I wasn't. Again, they are fully anticipating me being clear now... but...that is when the "what if's" creep in.

I struggle greatly with staying grounded enough to face reality. My reality. The reality of my situation. But also clinging to the hope and even allowing myself to dream a bit. To dream of the elation I will feel when I hear those words... the cancer is gone. It. Is. Finished. Do I dare let myself dream? Do I dare let my mind hope such a big hope. Yes, I believe all things are possible. I have faith that God can heal me if that is his plan. But it seems so much harder to pick yourself up off the floor when you have let yourself dream so big - doesn't it? But by guarding my heart am I having true faith?

But... that is also where God meets me and is meeting me this very moment as I write this. The fact remains that even if I don't get the news that I want he will still be right here with me. The fact remains that if I do have to go in for more treatment... I'm going to do it. I have too many reasons to keep pressing on. The fact remains that he will give me the strength I need when I need it.

I remember having a conversation with another lady who had been battling cancer for many years - her boys are young too. And she made the comment that we won't ever give up because we are moms. Even if we are getting sick non-stop (okay, so she said puking - let's not sugar coat things here) that we would press on for our kids. She is right. I will press in whatever my reality will be in 21 days. But until then - I will continue to hope and maybe even allow myself to dream a bit.

God bless you all in this wonderful season. If you wouldn't mind saying an extra prayer or two over the next few weeks for me and, of course, my family I would greatly appreciate it.

Blessings and Love,
Andrea

My New Struggle: {Doubt}

Like I need a new struggle.... but I have one.... It is....

{Doubt}

This past week I have really struggled with this. The doubts just start creeping in and I have to literally stop whatever I am doing and pray it/them away. Some of your remember my post from February 19th, {Faith & Fear} - I tell you what, I just went back and re-read that post and talk about ministering to myself. There I was - only 2 weeks past being diagnosed and I was honestly in a better a place than I am in now. 

A few things have happened since that time... namely 9 more chemo treatments.... falsely thinking I would be done with chemo nearly a month ago... and I definitely wasn't so tired. Those are no excuses though... my focus should be on the cross no matter what. 

When I went back and read that {Faith & Fear} post I remembered mentioning having a fear of the "unknown" - well I think the "What if's" can be classified right along with the "unknown" category. 

What if ...... the cancer is not gone?

What if....... the chemo is not working?

What if....... I have to go through more treatments?

What if....... I get another type of cancer?

What if....... there is nothing they can do, I die anyway, and leave my husband with 4 small children to raise? You see, it isn't the death I fear - I know where I am going - it is the pain my family will have to endure if I do die. That is the thought that stings the most. 

I can go on forever. But I have to just completely stop myself. I have to pray, pray, pray and realize that once again this is not about me - it is about God and his will. And by playing the "what-if" game - I am not honoring him and I am not bringing glory to him. The chemo doesn't heal me - God does. The doctors aren't the ones that will keep me here - God will. If I have to go through more treatments....God will give me the strength. And if he does decide to take me home....He will never leave or forsake my husband or my children. He is in control and he has it all planned out - and he makes all things good....

Yes, it is easy to have faith when rainbows and lollipops are falling from the sky - it is much harder when life's adversities emerge. But as my pastor told me not so long ago... God is doing a work in my heart right now...... it is just up to me to let him do it. 

I know I am not the only one who has struggles at this time. I talk to people nearly everyday that have something just as big - and even bigger - than my cancer. My prayer for you is that you don't let the doubt creep in... pray it away just as quickly as it arrives. God is in control and he loves you just as he loves me. God is good - all the time. 

Faith and Fear

For a couple of weeks now I have felt like I needed to write about "fear". But I just felt like God was telling me it wasn't the right time. Well tonight, while at church, I felt it very clearly laid on my heart to write about fear but also include the faith factor in this as well.

I have been very honest about the fear that Jason and I have felt during this ordeal. I can tell you when the doctor first told me that he thought I had Lymphoma I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. There was no way this was happening to me. I forced myself to listen to his words and take in as much information as I could. I forced myself not to cry. You see, I have had lots of practice at that throughout my life.

The icing on the cake was when my oldest son was born with some very serious special needs at birth and after going through 6 surgeries with him, I have learned to control my emotions at all cost in order for me to get the information I needed to make the decisions I needed to make. Then I would break down later. This situation was no different. My life's training kicked in.

I remember deliriously walking down the hall to the waiting room and rounding the corner to see my sister and her husband along with two of our closest friends holding my baby girl. I could not hold it in any more. The fear gripped me. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed quietly. At that moment I lived in fear and fear alone. My only prayer over and over again was, "God, please don't let me die."

That night was a rough one to say the least. I was controlled by fear. It consumed me. It owned every thought that went through my mind. Then I began to realize what it was doing. It was robbing me of the faith that I so desperately needed to have at that time in God and God alone. If there was ever a time that I needed to have faith, it was now. So, I changed my prayers. I sought God in all that I did and I surrendered it all to Him. I literally visualized giving Him every last breath in my body, every heartbeat, everything....all to God, no questions asked.

I also remembered a phrase that Maryann, the women's pastor at my church had told me during some coaching that I had done with her. She had told me that FEAR = False. Evidence. Appearing. Real. This may be confusing to some as I was being diagnosed with cancer and that is pretty real. But I wasn't afraid of the cancer. I was afraid of the unknown and my God is the known. I know Him. I know His heart condition for me. I know His love for me. I have said it time and time again, my thoughts would go right to Jeremiah 29:11. Once I began to lay down this fear and think rationally about the things I knew to be true, God was so faithful to me once again and granted me the most intense peace I have ever known in my life. A conviction that I knew I would be okay and I carry that peace with me still today.

The reason that I am talking so openly about this is that when I talk to some people that I am particularly close with, and some that I am not, I can see the fear in their eyes. I can sense it when they talk. I can read it in their actions. I just want to say, don't be fearful for me and my future. I am in the Lord's hands. The true fear would have been if I did not believe in God and had to walk this out alone and faithless. That would have been the true tragedy.

Day 1: The Shock...

Day 1: The Shock....


It is important that I document this as it happens. I don't know what the future holds. I am praying that I will one day be able to reflect on this as a distant memory and that it will provide hope to others going through hard times themselves. Until then, they are just my hopes, dreams, prayers and fears as I live them out....

What in the world happened?
Yesterday I went to the doctor to see about a lump I have on my neck. It has been there for a while and I had it checked out before (that is a whole different story entirely) but for the past 2 weeks or so I noticed a significant change. With 4 kids, a busy life, and just a shear desire to avoid doctors offices in general, I reluctantly realized that this probably wasn't related to the recent cold that I was experiencing and needed to get it checked out.

The initial doctor was concerned. She thought it had to do with my thyroid. She said that it probably would have to be removed or at least part of it. There was also a chance it was thyroid cancer. The sound of that was terrifying. It was also confusing because I had specifically asked if it was my thyroid when I first found it a few months back and they had said no, my thyroid was fine and they thought it was a cyst. But that is here nor there now. She scheduled a CT-scan for the next morning and scheduled an appointment with the surgeon on Thursday. It was a long and emotional night for my husband and I, but we were determined to hang on to our faith. God would provide.

The Next Day
I went to the CT-scan and immediately knew something was wrong. The technician just had me lay there for the longest time. She let Jason back in the room and continued to scurry around. I heard the phone ring several times but couldn't hear the conversations. I asked Jason what was wrong and he didn't know either. Finally, she said that the doctor wanted to talk to me before I left. That was when I knew something was really wrong. In all my experiences with ultrasounds, x-rays, etc. I have never had the doctor request me to stay and talk to me. The results always went to my doctor first.

My suspicions, unfortunately, were right. The doctor said that he thought I had Lymphoma, a cancer of the lymph system. Jason and I just sat there. What can you say at that point? I tried hard to pay attention to everything he was saying but it was like I was in a fog.

We went back out to the waiting room where several of our close friends and family members had gathered, I just sat and cried. I am 31 years old. I am a wife and a mother to four. This couldn't be happening to me. Cancer has always been one of my biggest fears but surely it wouldn't happen to me, not when my children were so young. They still needed their mom.

From there I was rushed to get a biopsy and then on to the oncologist. I was not strong in the least. I broke down several times, which if you know me, you know is unusual. I just kept thinking the worst. I also kept reliving the fact that I had found this lump months ago and had not taken care of it. Finally a sweet nurse told me that there was nothing I could do about that now- I just had to move forward. She was right. There was no point in living in the past.

I  finally met with the oncologist. He sat down with Jason and I and endured my tears. I told him that I have four little kids at home and I needed to know if I was going to be okay or not. That is when he told me that this type of cancer that he suspects I have  has a 90%, not only recover, but curability rate. That was like music to my ears. It may have only been a drop of hope in an entire ocean of fear and sadness but it was all I needed. That is what I am clinging to.

The Rest of the Night
The rest of the night was touch and go to be honest. This single day started the greatest "battle of the mind" that I have yet to face in my life. I consciously had to dismiss one negative thought after another and replace it with something positive. They also instructed me that I couldn't nurse my baby girl for 24 hours and that was probably the hardest part of it all. All she wanted to do was nurse and I couldn't. Of course, she didn't understand. It was just a tough night.

My Thoughts....

Written February 2, 2011

My mind is absolutely numb from all of the information I have received today. To say that I am not scared would be a lie. I am terrified. I keep thinking of my four beautiful children and cannot imagine leaving them in this world without a mother. Jason is an incredible father but he shouldn't have to do in alone, should he? I know God is ultimately in control of all of this but I desperately seek Him for reassurances, grasping at any hope that I can find. 

It has been a difficult day for all. My dear husband has had to endure far more than he should. My baby girl unable to nurse for the first time in her 8 months and 1 day of life and she completely does not understand. My three boys have a distant awareness of what is going on as they have been staying with grandmas today. 

The "what ifs" race through my mind and I know I need to stop them. The love and support I feel from all is overwhelming. There are no words. With each offer of help, with each act of kindness, there is hope.

Today I have been blessed in the following ways: I cannot believe the medical attention that I received just today! They were so kind, supportive, and just wonderful. They kept apologizing for rushing me around and all I could say was "Thank You!" I couldn't imagine having all of this spread out over 2 weeks. I want to get to the bottom of this so I can move forward.

I have been blessed with so much support from my family and friends. I have been blessed with such a wonderful husband.  My family and friends were available for support even when I did not ask. I know that it is just as hard on them to watch me go through this as it is for me to go through this. I am so grateful.

Prayer requests for today: I pray for wisdom and discernment for all the medical staff involved. I pray that, if it is indeed cancer, that it is truly the "curable" kind that they speak of. I pray for my husband, that you give him peace throughout this as well as strength. I pray for my children, just please protect them. I pray for my oldest son who is so incredibly worried about his mama and my baby girl who does not understand why she cannot nurse as she has every day of her life. I pray for the rest of my family and my friends as well. God bless them all for blessing me as they have.